/vt/ - Virtual Youtubers

>>67899003
Hrm. For starters I think you should have kept that scene with Botan and Nene from the original in, maybe placing it right before it cuts to Polka's perspective. That would tell the readers (in more depth) that Polka was previously with her friends and had left recently. Secondly I would really recommend not referring to Anon as "You" when speaking from a third person perspective. When Polka says stuff like "You are the strongest person she knows" or "It sounded like you" it sounds like she could be thinking that at Ollie, or herself since other parts of the story are still in second person. When you're following Polka's story and writing in third person, try to stick to "Anon" and "him/he/his" when referring to the main character (You).
Also I thought the original prompt was to resurrect their daughter? From that last scene it seems like she's alive and well, so I'm now wondering what's important about the item Polka is looking for. But hey, you might have some surprises in store for me.
All things considered though it's a good opening for a story and I'm absolutely looking forward to more. Here's hoping you can continue it.

>>48172007
>>48166538