/vt/ - Virtual Youtubers

Whenever I talk about how it's wrong for my oshi to collab 1 on 1 with males or even to be in a relationship with them or any other male I get muted or banned. They banned me from every discord group I joined, even in /vt/ they ban me sometimes, my last ban expired 2 days ago, I don't know where to talk about this and my heart can't accept the fact that my oshi collabs with guys and treats them nicely while she belittles me when I tell her I'm jealous, sometimes I wish I'd just die of a stroke or something and stop suffering because I feel I can't go on. I love her like I would love a real gf and I think about her all the time, she's the light of my life. I always give her advice in comments and supas and always try to make her smile but she frowns whenever me or any other fan brings up this topic. How can I make my oshi understand that she's the world to me? I wanted to write her a fan letter but I'm absolutely certain that her manager won't let it go through.