/vt/ - Virtual Youtubers

>>27676868
Alright, I finally had some time to read this. First off, a bit of formatting advice: anytime you have dialogue, there should be a linebreak whenever the person speaking switches. You don’t want multiple speakers in the same paragraph. With that out of the way, onto the actual concrit.

Your battle sequences are good. There’s enough detail to visualize the scene without it being so excessive that it slows down the action. However, outside of these kinds of sequences, I’ve noticed that excessive detail is kind of a consistent weakpoint. It’s good to offer tidbits on background characters and the set dressing to make the world feel more alive, but if you describe unimportant things too often, it makes it harder for the reader to remember the things that actually matter. Take the opening.

You dump a few too many characters in the reader’s lap all at once. It starts well – you drop the reader into a scene, and spend a few paragraphs narrating the POV character’s thoughts. That’s good, we immediately get a grasp of Cahya’s personality, and from context we can infer this is a Risuner without you having to hit us over the head with it. But then you go on to spill an infodump on 8 characters all in a row. They end up becoming an indistinct blob. This is especially egregious in the opening – lengthy exposition right at the start of a story can quickly make a reader lose interest. Conservation of detail very much applies here. If at all possible, it’s better to introduce no more than 2-3 new characters in a single scene, so that each character has space to breathe. I can tell that’s kind of what you were attempting to do, glossing over the descriptions for most characters while dedicating longer paragraphs to Aria and Mea, but it didn’t quite work. Simply having Cahya immediately turn his attention to Aria and Mea instead of describing every character at the table would’ve been fine.

Which brings us to scene 2. This scene serves as an excellent character introduction, actually. It’s a far more memorable way of conveying Aria’s silk-hiding-steel personality and Mea’s no-nonsense, forceful one compared to just informing us this is what they’re meant to be like. Good work on this one. Gradually introducing characters by giving them their own spotlight like this is more effective than what you attempted in the first scene. Outside of this, your character writing is quite good.

tl;dr You have a strong grasp on how to convey a character's personality through their dialogue and actions, it's just weakened by your tendency to inform the reader what a character is supposed to be like instead of allowing the reader to draw their own conclusions.