/vt/ - Virtual Youtubers

>>72798139
I like what I see so far. I think the font size and indentation could be eased up a little bit, that way you can fit more into a readable paragraph without it getting out of hand. This would also help you string your action scenes to be more seamless. I kinda get the vibe that the first action scene might be meant to play out like it was happening in slow motion, given the countdown, but later on when things get more fast paced, it'll be better to have your actions strung together more tightly.
I also enjoy that you have a very clear dish in the works for characters like Lui. The ending was nice, but I'm not sure how I feel about the cliffhanger/opener for the next scene. Your idea might have been to really nail home the idea that the MC is in this crazy life now, and he hasn't even scratched the surface of what is going on, but instead of this abrupt happening, he could reflect on the deal he just made, and how things are even more dangerous than they seem. Also girl flips toward Kurokami swinging her leg down, swinging let leg down. Minor spelling mistake.
Overall I liked it. I think I enjoyed thirsty Lui the most since I want to give that beautiful hawk a circus of children, but that's just my own bias. Keep it up, it's clear you want to give this story of yours life, and I think you can continue to make it better.