/vt/ - Virtual Youtubers

>>56493840
Ok, so I read the whole thing and here are my thoughts:
First off, the good stuff -- your prose is great. It doesn't overstay its welcome with excessive adjectives or complicated words you'd need a dictionary for, but is able to set a nice scene that I can paint in my mind. There's no problems with it. The part I enjoyed the most about this story was the first half, where you detailed the past that Anon shared with Suisei and the kind of bond they built growing up. That was a beautiful thing to read through and fuck me, that scene where they witnessed a comet after sharing a forbidden kiss was splendid. Incredible. The scenario, the setting, everything. I almost squealed like a girl.
Then came the second half... where everything kinda fell apart. I'm going to struggle to put this into words, but I'll try. Suisei during the sex felt a bit OOC, but I guess the smut itself was decent. I'm not much of a coomer so I don't have a lot to say on the quality of the sex. The scene with A-chan, Sora and Yagoo was done poorly. Yagoo and A-chan were completely out of character, it felt like needless drama and bringing up Rushia was in bad taste. The band-aid scene was cute, but then A-chan comes up and starts her jealousy act, which again felt OOC and unnecessary.
Cue (an OOC) Yagoo and his blackmailing, which just made things worse. As I was reading that whole exchange I just kept thinking "What am I reading? What is the point in this sub plot? This feels like a poorly written middle school play with bad actors". I can forgive the strange characterization of Yagoo since he's not a chuuba and is often used as a convenient character to paste a personality on, but the only words I can use to describe that subplot is "goofy" and "unnecessary".
The ending felt a bit abrupt. When I read about Suisei researching astronomy and that the comet they were looking for was coming within the next few days, I was excited to see them finally discover it together after making that promise together so long ago. That would have been a great scene to close out the story -- Anon and Suisei under the starlight, fulfilling that promise. But then it just... ended. I can't criticize this too much because it wasn't anything you did wrong, just a missed opportunity.
Finally, I'd recommend splitting up your paragraphs more. Single line breaks between dialogue and sentences are fine, but sometimes its good to add a double line break to split up the text, even if there's no sequence break or timeskip.
After writing this I realize that it might seem like I have more bad to say than good, but that's only because it's easier to write crticism. As I said, the first was was a fantastic read and I thoroughly enjoyed it, which is why I can't help but feel disappointed with the narrative that followed. Nonetheless, thank you for the read. Despite everything, I enjoyed the experience.