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[ERROR] No.33972602 [DELETED]  [Reply] [Original] [4plebs] [archived.moe]

Alright, here is my Tumblr tabletop story.

Last year I put together this game with a few of my friends. Small group of just four people to play Pathfinder; me as the DM, a guy named Frank as our tank who rolled a barbarian, Adolfo who played as a caster/DPS, and Olivia who played as a ranger. All super cool people but if you have ever tried to set up a tabletop game before you know that it attracts trendy nerds like moths to a flame. So, what was supose to be a small game of just three PCs turned into a cluster-fuck of people wanting to seem geeky by playing D&D. At one point we had nine people who I only barely knew that showed up because they wanted to say they actually once played some form of tabletop. Most of these people dropped out after the first week but one girl stayed. I will call her Mel.

Mel used Tumblr. She used Tumblr a LOT. She was the typical Tumblrette who was a feminist, supported all those sexual labels, tried to fight the patriarchy, ect. On top of that she was over weight, constantly dressed/dyed her hair in a way that would try to get attention, and had a voice that made Golbert Gottfrieds sound like a chorus of heavenly angels. Mel was awful, inside and out, but I try to never turn anyone away from my table top games so when she showed up for out second session I happily found a place for her in the campaign.

She wanted to be a cleric healer so I handed her a character sheet and gave her all the reading material; told her to find a good mix of class and race that she liked then to pick a deity to call upon for her magical abilities. While she was doing that I helped a few other people figure out who they wanted to be and found little sections where they could pop into the plot. At the end of the night I had about seven character sheets of seven different PCs that I had to look over to make sure everything was balanced. Nearly everyone was fine except for Mels. Hers was a fucking train wreck.

>> No.33972621

Nothing was filled out on her character sheet sans her name ("Goddess Lightbringer") and no stats were rolled. I was so confused by all of this I text her and ask her if there was some kind of problem. This was how the chain went.

"Hey Mel, I saw that you really didn't have anything on your sheet. Was it confusing or something?"
"No, I just didn't see the point in putting any of it down."
"Uh, I mean its all pretty important. Like, you don't have any stats which means I have no idea how strong/smart/fast your character is."
"Why do you have to assign numbers to that?"
"What?"
"It seems like such a silly thing to put numbers on. Like, real humans can't be measured in numbers like that."
"This isn't real life. This is Pathfinder. The first thing you are going to fight is a bear with the head of an owl. It's fantasy escapism, not real life."
"Whatever. I'll just fill all that in next session."

I'm a bit angry now. This should really be the simplest thing you do as a PC, you are just creating a character and putting their details on paper. But I figure Mel is new and she just doesn't understand how this stuff works so I'll help her out on the next session.

About a week passes and we all meet again. This time there is only five folks; me, Frank, Adolfo, Olivia, Mel, and this guy named Jon who wanted to be an assassin. First thing I do is sit down with Mel while everyone else tells Jon what the plot is so far. I tell Mel that she has to roll and she reluctantly agrees, along with a race and class. I roll for her and start writing down all her stats, she has pretty good numbers (Most in the upper teens) and they all fit in the style of a healer. IE low strength, high wisdom, low dexterity, high intelligence. Just as I'm about to actually finalize something she takes my pen away and with the smuggest grin ever says

"Oh, I just need to change some things."

>> No.33972669

>>33972621
Mel begins to raise every single number of every stat until she is the strongest, fastest, smartest healer than ever walked the planet. At level one. So I take back my pencil and tell her in the nicest was I can that she can't just alter her stats.
"Mel, you can't just do that. Your stats are set by luck, not by yourself."
"Why can't I?"
"Because otherwise you are going to be overpowered and the the game won't be fun for anyone else."
"But-"
"Your strength and health are higher than Frank's, your dexterity is higher than Adolfo's, your charisma is higher than Olivia's, and you are the lowest possible level. We have a tank, a combat caster, a DPS, and now a rouge. Just be a healer and rely on the rest of your team to fill the other rolls."
"This is because my character is a girl, isn't it!?"

I went silent for a bit. Partially from shock, partially from rage, partially from confusion, but mostly because I was holding back my hand so I didn't smack her. No, this was not because Mel was playing a female character, this was because I don't want a broken game. But just as I was about to chew this bitch up and spit her out and idea pops into my head.

"You know what Mel? Sure. You write in your own stats. When you are done give them to me and I'll fit you into the story."

I leave her alone and rejoin the group. They are all just looking at me confused and enraged but as they attempt to collect their thoughts I bring out my monster manual. I find a few lower level things for the rest of the party to fight (goblins, skeletons, kobalts for later in the night, basic stuff that you find at the beginning of any RPG.) but then I find monsters for only Mel to fight. Big giant fuck off monsters. Poison monsters. Goring monsters. Fire breathing monsters. Annoying things to throw at her. DMs like to call these "Meat Grinders" and they are for problem players that like to cause trouble. I had my collection of evil things and Mel rejoined us back on the table.

>> No.33972701

>>33972669
Now, you should know something. I'm not a harsh DM. I'm very fair when it comes to difficulty curves and monster levels, I don't throw anything too bad at PCs when they are just starting especially if they don't know how to play. I don't hold their hand but I also don't bully them. That is unless they are a problem player. And I had one of those in my team right now.

Mel hands me her character sheet and it's as broken as you expect it to be. The highest everything of everyone in the game. With a lucky roll she could probably break down the door of a castle, sneak past all the guards, and charm the pants off of the king all in the same turn. So, with a giant shit eating grin on my face I tell her to sit down and give them the scenario.

Through one way or another they have all ended up on the outskirts of a small town that has a goblin infestation. They little creatures have been stealing food, killing animals, assaulting the citizens, and just causing general mischief for everyone. It's the PCs job to find the root of the problem and destroy it. With a lead from the bartender they tracked down the source of the goblins to an abandoned mine shaft and as they approach three little half-level monsters pop out wanting to fight. This is how the battle goes.

Frank: I step in front of the rest of the group and block the Goblins from getting any closer.
Adolfo: I clap my hands together and begin to cast a fireball spell.
Olivia: I pull an arrow from my quiver, notch it, and aim at the goblin on the left.
Jon: I grab my daggers and attempt to sneak around them.
Mel: I step in front of Frank and cast a level 4 shield around the entire group!

Mind you, a level four sheild can resist and insane amount of damage and can usually only be cast by someone who is level 15 and above. The rest of the group is not happy.

>> No.33972737

>>33972701
Mel alone destroys the goblins and gets a small amount of experiance. The group grovels and shuffles annoyed into the mine shaft. They encounter a few more groups and Mel eats them all. No one else has taken or received and damage at this point besides her and no one has any experiance. They get down to the main cavern and finally see the source of what has been causing the rise of the goblin population. There, at the back corner of the cave, stands a ten foot tall dire goblin staring the group down. He rushes over to Mel (who now thinks she is the team leader) and screams at her.

"So you're the one who has been killing all my brothers and sisters! I will rip the meat from your bones and use it to feed the next generation!"

Mel, completely unfazed by this, attempts to cast her insane shield but the dire goblin gets too close too quick.

"What! That isn't fair, I can cast my spell as-" I had to cut her off.

"The mighty dire goblin stands over you and smirks. The rest of his 'brothers and sisters' surround you completely ignoring the rest of the group and calling for your blood. Which the dire goblin is happy to provide."

"I cast another shield!"

"You manage to cast a shield with the goblin king inside. He laughs and back hands you as hard as he can. Your face is pressed against your magical barrier and stunned for one turn."

She is getting red in the face now. Embarrassed that her "plan" has failed and now slowly becoming frustrated. She attempts to fight back but its pretty much no use.

"I try to stab him with my dagger!" It breaks against his skin.
"I thrust my wand in his eye!" You miss and it breaks off in his teeth.
"I punch him!" Your bones shatter to dust against his rock hard skin.

finally I think she just gave up and said "Fine, be like that and kill me". But I wasn't that nice. She tried to fuck my game, now I'm going to fuck her right back.

>> No.33972780

>>33972737
"The mighty dire goblin lifts you off the ground and slices the fabric holding your armor together. It falls to the ground and you dangle there unprotected. He cuts the belt from your trousers, your shift straps, and rips off any other scrap you have left on you. You hand from his callused fingers completely naked with only your shoes covering any skin."

Everyone was just looking as me awe struck, especially Mel who had finally shut up with the first time that night.

"The goblin turns his head and calls to the rest of his family: 'how long has it been since we've had a good breading girl! This one looks nice and strong, she can probably take it!' He tosses you back to a crowd of two dozen goblins and they carry you off to the mines beneath. You are now serve as their slave, maid, and whore who occasionally pops out a new goblin baby for the rest of the pack. But don't worry, you're nice and strong after all. You can take it."

The rest of the group got EXP and loot. They were all happy. Mel left the group and I never heard from her again.

>> No.33972980

Breddy okay story
Could have used a bit more exposition on why we should hate Mel

>> No.33973012

go back to tumblr

>> No.33973184

"lel, tumblr landwhale feminist joined my game so instead of telling her to play like a reasonable human being or get out i raped her lol lol guys validate me."

Listen, we hate tumblr as much as you do.
But we also hate people who use bad players as an excuse to be a shit DM.
If you have an issue with a player misbehaving out of game, even if she is a SJW and a blight upon the population, you reeducate them or you be mature and turn them away with an explanation of why you will never game with them.
Don't use shitty players as an excuse to give the game an even worse reputation than it already has.

>> No.33973219

>Get ambushed by ogres in the mountains
>Bard is playing her xylophone from the seat of her steam-powered trike thing
>One of the previously wounded ogres moves to attack her
>Fumbles his attack
>She pulls out her bag of tricks and throws a badger at him
>It claws him a bit and he freaks out
>He smashes himself with his club in an attempt to kill the badger
>Deals enough damage to himself to finish himself off
>Party's face when

>> No.33973380

pretty gud story bruh

>> No.33973473

>>33973184
Thank you for summarizing that for me so I don't have to read garbage and what's probably some neckbeard's revenge fantasy

>> No.33973942

Further proof that no matter how bad SJWs get, the people who hate them with a rabid passion can still prove themselves worse.

>> No.33974187

>>33973942
More like people in general can always prove themselves worse than other people.
I think anyone can be justified in hating SJWs, it's completely unrelated to people being assholes.

Like, not many people approve of murder, but you can hate murderers and still be the kind of prick who forcibly rapes characters in DnD in a nonsexual game.

>> No.33974382

More than anything I think if I was a player there I'd be kind of pissed I had to waste a game just so a shitty player could get raped instead of just kicking her
I mean I can understand hesitation if it's a friend or something, but if you feel comfortable raping their character until they quit, why not just say "fuck off cow" or if you want to be more polite "My game isn't for you" and save everyone the time?

>> No.33974876

>ITT shit that didn't happen

>> No.33974924

>>33974382
I agree. The other players were annoyed for the entire game.

That's shit DMing. Just kick the other player and be done with it.

>> No.33975084

>>33974187
You guys are huge shitheads. OP did what he had to do, he made sure Mel would never come back to his table.

>> No.33975198

>>33975084
You know an easy way to do that?

Kick her out of the game.

A proper fucking DM keeps the enjoyment of all of his players in mind during the game and doesn't ruin it for the sake of driving off one stupid bitch.
A shithead is one who decides to knowingly let a shitty player continue to be shitty so he can use it as an excuse to be a bad DM.
Sure, the SJW was super offended, and she had it coming just for being a tumblr landwhale, but that doesn't mean you should drag out a shitty game, ruining fun and wasting time for all the other people at your table.

>> No.33975211

>>33975084
whoa I smell samefag

>> No.33975353

>>33972780
>"The goblin turns his head and calls to the rest of his family: 'how long has it been since we've had a good breading girl! This one looks nice and strong, she can probably take it!' He tosses you back to a crowd of two dozen goblins and they carry you off to the mines beneath. You are now serve as their slave, maid, and whore who occasionally pops out a new goblin baby for the rest of the pack. But don't worry, you're nice and strong after all. You can take it."
See it was okay until you turned it into complete magical realm shit.
Fuck you are your weird fetishes.

>> No.33975448

>>33972602
>Lol nobody likes this girl that's new to tabletop gaming and belligerent
>instead of killing her character off or kicking her out of the group I completely validate all of her crazy feminist theories by raping her character
Now she's probably worse and your players talk behind your back about how weird you are.

>> No.33975658

Congrats OP you're a creepy asshole who put his overblown revenge fantasy before the needs of all his other players. You're shit and your story is shit.

>> No.33975679

>>33972602
>238 replies 23 images.png

>> No.33975701

>>33975448
I can imagine her making a lengthy Tumblr post about how terrible D&D and D&D players are while other Tumblr-users who actually play D&D attempt to reassure her that she just happened across an incredibly terrible DM.

Sure showed her.

>> No.33975719

story's probably all made up anyway.

>> No.33975725

>>33972701

>Mel: I step in front of Frank and cast a level 4 shield around the entire group!

And this is where I call bullshit on this story, because Shield is a first level spell that gives you a +4 bonus to AC and absolutely nothing else.

So basically by bullshitting her bullshit spell, you've admitted to making this story up entirely so you can have people congratulate you for raping one of your players.

Good work.

>> No.33975889

>>33972602
So you let someone be a shit, and then do some kinda thing that doesn't exist, and then acted like a sperglord.

>> No.33975925

>>33974876
This is the first time I actually agree with this statement.

>> No.33975934

ITT: OP is a massive dickhole

>> No.33975944

>>33975725

Oh, Also, Fireball is a Level 3 spell. You'd need to be a level 5 wizard to cast it; If you're sending level 5 characters against goblins those best be some fucking badass goblins.

Also, the fuck is a Dire Goblin?

More evidence for the bullshit case.

>> No.33976026

>>33975725
>>33975944
Oh my god. I was so busy being mad at him for being a douchebag that I didn't even notice the obvious fabrications.

>> No.33976065

OP here. This was actually an experiment to see how /tg/ would react to this story. This story was posted on Funnyjunk first in the comments and everyone was praising the GM for it saying that he did a good thing he did and that it was a good story, and I was curious what /tg/ would think of it. http://www.funnyjunk.com/Tumblr+plays+DnD/funny-pictures/5248865/14#14

>> No.33976140

>>33976065
>It was all an experiment
Yeah su-
>Link
Oh shit, it really was.

>> No.33976159

>>33976065

Go and fuck thyself with yon spiny cactus.

>> No.33976170

>>33976065
/tg/ has achieved a state of higher moral standards than FunnyJunk.

Truly is best board.

>> No.33976380

>>33976170
Is it really that hard though?

>> No.33976481

Got a game going after a long time of looking around. I was DMing for the first time, but I had lurked on /tg for a while to learn the basics. It was still gonna be a learning experience for everyone since no one had played an RPG before.

Enter one of my friend's character: Bo. Bo was a seven foot tall Elf who rolled fucking 18 in each and every physical stat, and dick in everything else. He was insane, sociopathic, and had a climbing fetish. We called him Spider Hulk since despite being a BEAST, he was a Monk, and so liked to crawl up walls and people's elbow every motherfucker we came across. The guy was fucking crazy.

So the PCs are Assassins in a fuckhuge city, when someone offers them coin to kill the Town Crier. Bo decides he'll solo it. I at first expected him to get the guy alone. Oh no, ohhhh noooooo. He walked right up and flattened the fucker's head with his meaty beef hands. He once killed a political activist in the middle of his speech. To over a hundred people. And he intimidated them all into silence.

1/2?

>> No.33976506

>>33976170
That, and people on /tg/ are actually going to call out a shitty DM. Morals aside, the DM in the story did what he did at the expense of the fun of every player involved. FunnyJunk don't know shit about fun.

>>33976065
Dammit, the filename was the same and everything.

>> No.33976602

>>33976481
His greatest moment, or at least the most memorable to the player, was when Bo and the party got separated after a wild night of drunken revelry. He woke up with the Bard, naked, miles from town. After stealing clothes from a farmer and making their way back to town, they found the carnie folk/street performers who stole their shit and started to murderfuck them in the street. The one wearing the Bard's magical armor bolted, and Bo, the Incredible Spider Hulk, chased him while the Bard tried to calm down a panicking crowd.

Bo chased that motherfucker across the entire city. Normally a Grapple master, Bo could not for the life of him catch the slippery bastard, and it was ALL luck of the dice. His dice ate shit for the whole night except for one time. Bo chased the performer down alleyways, and across rooftops in an epic chase. He chased him through the gladiator pits and the elephant cages. He at one point grabbed a nearby bucket and hucked that fucker at the fleeing performer as hard as he could.

Nat 1. Bucket was Elephant Shit. And he missed the performer, instead dumping a metric fuckton of elephant diarrhea into a gladiator's face. And it was one with that helmet with all the holes in front. So while he choked to death, all his Gladiator buddies decided to chase down Bo and assdestroy him.

So there's some regular guy in clown makeup and fancy glittery armor, being chased by The Hulk, being chased by an army of gladiators howling for the Hulks blood.

Regular dude ducks into a crowd, but Bo's had enough of this shit. He actually starts rolling for combat, saying that he's striking out at the crowd to make them clear. He is OOC Absolutely Livid. He wants this guy dead, and he wants to shit up his severed neckhole.

2/3?

>> No.33976671

>>33976602
continue please

>> No.33976785

>>33973219

... Beautiful

>> No.33976811

>>33976602
So Bo starts murdering everyone within arm reach, and when you're seven feet tall that's a lotta fucking reach. Guards are now in pursuit along with the gladiators. Finally though, Bo sees him. Just a few feet away in the crowd. He Jumps over the entire fucking crowd and lands on the poor fucker. On the 10+ attempt, he finally grapples the guy successfully.

As soon as he did this, the Player actually shrieked, "I RIP HIM IN HALF!!!!!!!!" And he rolled on it as the Bard's player looks on, his precious magic armor in danger.

Nat. Fucking. TWENTY. Strength check to just rip the poor fuck in half. Normally that shit wouldn't fly, but he rolled on it, so I gave the kid a Fort check.

And he shit the bed with a 1. The carnie was RIPPED in half, dowsing Bo and everybody within ten feet of him in a geyser of blood and bits of magic armor. he Bard's Player's exact words: You FUCKER!

Bo now realizes he's bathing in the blood of his victim in the middle of the city square, in a city the size of Rome, and EVERYBODY just saw it, including the guardsmen and some still pissed, but reasonably worried, gladiators.

So of course he fucking bolts. Not just sprinting, but Terror Sprinting. He ran like Usain Bolt if you lit him on fire in the mojave and pointed him to an ice cream stand.

By this point, I don't want to say I'm trying to kill him, but the reasonable response to that fucking display had to be fucking fierce. Otherwise it'd be stupidly unrealistic. So I basically threw an army after him.

That goddamn beautiful freak of nature. He couldn't stop. He just flew past anyone trying to stop him, and anyone who came close to doing it got a Hulk Fist up their asshole. He fucking DESTROYED the local police force.

When he finally lost pursuit, and he fucking earned it the hard way by god, he met up with the Bard. To summarize, he arrived covered not only head to toe in Blood, but also elephant shit, and the crumpled remains of a once magically enchanted mail shirt.3/4

>> No.33976869

>>33976811
The Bard is...confused. Pissed. And in awe.

"What the FUCK happened?!?!"

"Hmph," said Bo, cool as ice, "I got your shirt."

>> No.33976872

>>33976811

This is glorious. Keep going for the love of all that is good.

>> No.33977163

>>33976869
>>33976872
I'm pretty sure that was the biggest Crazy thing Bo did. At least, in that world. The player made him again in another setting. Fucking asshole rolled 18's again I shit you not. I had those dice destroyed afterwards.

Although there was that one time when someone tried to sell him into slavery.

He was wandering the city one day, prior to ending the police as an organized institution, when suddenly he saw a raven-haired woman.

Now, to understand, the player wrote an Insane backstory for Bo. Bo was apparently always a little odd, before he baked his brains out under a desert sun and went completely lizardshit stupid. But two things remained in his fried brainpan: He was terrified of spiders, and his mother had black hair. So he was apparently fixated on black haired women, and would CHASE them down if he noticed one. He specifically made "Are there any black-haired women I can see" spot checks.

So wouldn't you know it, he finally found one. She was meant to be a major Thief Guild contact that the party ended up interacting with throughout the adventure. But right here and now she wanted to make a few bucks.

Bo followed her down an alleyway. She enticed him a few times to follow. And as he approached, a fucking net fell on him. Not to be deterred, he made his reflex save, grappled the net (why not?) and wrapped it around one of the men who ran up to hold him down. He proceeded to lay into the guy. Strength 18 plus somehow rolling solid 6's, 7's and 8's on a d8 does not look too good on a guy's face.

So one guy's basically mulch. And another net comes down. Bo dodges this one, and looks up, finally noticing a couple of goons at the top of the three story building.
1/2?

>> No.33977362

>>33977163
So of fucking course he decides to just "go get them". I'll never understand how he could keep aceing the goddamn climb checks, I just won't. He fucking Chumps up the side of the building, like he's going for a walk. The two guys who are up there shit their pants just as he reaches them, but he basically just grabs their fucking heads and starts slamming them together like an epileptic gorilla just found a bunch of coconuts.

Two guys reach the roof from a stairwell, and one of them loses his goddamn mind and charges in with a spear. The other, far more intelligent thief, decides to fuck right off and nopes out of there like no one's business. The one with a death wish lunges at Bo, and gets promptly disarmed for his trouble. And then suspended over the edge of the building. Bo choked the bitch to death one handed, and then threw his corpse at one of the two remaining thieves on the ground as an improvised projectile weapon.

You should know by now that it hit. And that the falling damage was stupendous. So another thief is slain. And it was at this point where Bo finally realized the black-haired woman was gone. And that he should probably question one of the two remaining thieves. But one had fucked off, and so that left the one on the street.

Bo decided he couldn't wait for the stairs. So he jumped. I seriously stare at a wall in my office some days, trying to understand just what my friend's mother did to him as a child to where he could think of this shit. And what dark sacrifices did he make with Satan to let him roll like he did. It wasn't just this adventure. Every time I play with him, he crits when he needs to, and his insane playstyle throes the DM into a catatonic state.

>> No.33977431

>>33977362
So he jumped. And he rolled to grapple the dude on the ground, who was deeply regretting his life choices as the Incredible Spider Hulk descended upon him like two hundred pounds of asskicking. He made the check to grapple the hapless thief. It didn't really matter, but there you go. The falling damage alone was enough to outright kill the guy. Bo basically rendered him into his component particles and left a greasy smear for the ancient equivalent of a janitor to pick up. Would need a HELL of a lot of Mr Clean.

And Bo walks away after rolling 1's on his own falling damage, no worse for wear except he now had no one to interrogate. So he walked off, and upon finding that political rally mentioned above, decided to sucker punch the guy speaking. Crit'd, outright knocked his ass out, intimidated the crowd to shut up and leave, the rest is history.

So /tg. How'd I do?

>> No.33977469

>>33977431
fuckin awesome, I demand MOAR!

>> No.33977504

>>33977431
's kay.
Seems like you forced the comparisons a bit, but I still got a bit of a kick out of em.

>> No.33977539

>>33977469
>>33977504
So long as it was entertaining. I'm pretty much done for the night though, so I hope someone else has some good shit to tell.

Gdnite /tg.

>> No.33977846

2 very nice stories tonight, I'm going to bed now

>> No.33978057

>>33977431
Made me laugh several times/10

>> No.33978171

>>33974876
This. So fucking hard. I can't believe I wasted my time reading OP's revenge fantasy.

Fake. Fake and gay.

>> No.33978238

>>33978171
If you read the thread you'd know that it was a copypasta experiment from FunnyJunk

Also,
>>33975725
>>33975944

Already pointed out how fake the story is

>> No.33978283

>>33978238
Yeah, I read that later. Thanks for taking the time though.

>> No.33978441

Things That Are More Pretend Than Usual: The Thread

>> No.33978527

>>33974876

First clue for me was "kobalts"
Nobody who has run a game or knows shit about D&D would call them that

>> No.33978716

>>33976065
Based /tg/ with high DM standards. fa/tg/uy is love, tha/tg/uy is life.

>> No.33979674

>>33976065
I thought you were just le rusecruising.
This would have to be one of the few times a thread with le tumblr feminazi hasn't caused a frenzy of of righteous anger and self superiority. Could this bait be too obvious for even /tg/? Amazing.

>> No.33982724

>>33972602
>letting people join your campaign completely at random like a doormat

>>33972621
>Not using point buy
>Not kicking her out at the exact point she talks about assigning numbers
>Using pens on character sheets
>Clerics having high int is "in the style of a healer"

>>33972669
>still not using point buy
>interrupting a person entirely for the purpose of being redundant
>not kicking her out as soon as she said "this is because I'm a girl"
>Kobalts
>"basic stuff that you find at the beginning of any RPG" with the obvious exceptions of nearly every RPG that isn't DnD or Pathfinder
>talking about poison, gore, fire breath, and annoying things when all you do is give her a fake "die" goblin
>Talking about meat grinders when you don't know what a meatgrinder is

>>33972701
>three little half-level monsters
>>Goblins are level 1
>Letting one of your friends ready a level 3 spell at level 1/Having a player start at level 1 when everyone else is level 5
>Explicitly letting a level 1 PC cast a fake level 4 spell, then lying that level 4 spells are unlocked at level 15

>>33972737
>Letting a single level 1 PC, no matter how big the stats, take down an encounter meant for 5 solo
>"dire" goblin
>having the fake spell be randomly not a standard action anymore
>letting enemies move action on a players turn
>interrupting AGAIN for the purpose of being redundant
>putting stun effects on attacks at random
>bullshitting up how powerful a "dire goblin" is

>>33972780
>entering the magical realm
>how the fuck did he "slice the fabric" when he's never said to have any weapons?
>all your other players including the newfag being completely okay with their cleric being explicitly raped
>giving exp and loot for no reason at all

Other than that, it's alright.

>> No.33982892

>Be a Bard
>Party gets a few jobs done for the local wizard-king
>Wizard-King decides to pay them for all of their help
>Everyone gets a deck of many things
>mfw
>Everyone immediately begins drawing cards
>Dread Wraiths
>Soul stealing
>One guy just flat out explodes
>It comes time for me to draw mine
>Gain a human fighter who serves me
So my first game went pretty good.

>> No.33983014

>>33972602

Oh lord, if you're a troll it'll restore my faith in humanity.

>> No.33983049

>>33983014

He is >>33976065.

>> No.33983096

>>33972780
>breading girl
Where's Ainsley when you need him?

>> No.33983377

>>33972780
no john you ARE that guy

>> No.33983487

>>33972602
Here's something that happened recently:

>Only three players manage to show up: Me with my teenage female warlock (why mention these details? because it will be important), The Stonechild knight (guy had his character die previous session and thus has a new character) and the drunken monk hobo.
>Since our current batch of characters have actually never met (drunken monk hobo had missed several sessions since my last character died) we have a new meeting in an inn. On the astral plane due to shenanigans by characters who no longer live.
>Make plans to get back to the material plane, but get lost trying to find a cleric to bring us over. Eventually we are attacked in an abandoned street by a beholder and his flunkies. The beholder keeps his anti-magic field aimed at me rendering me helpless.
>Monk and knight fight flunkies. Beholder throws in support with his extra eyes.
>Eventually knight activate his magic item and the beholder turns to supress him. I immediatly strike. But the beholder counterattacks with a disintegrate which brings me to negative hp.
>Ceasefire is negotiated, since the monk and knight can oneshot the beholder but not before he kills me. Both groups go seperate ways.
>Party members stabilise me and drag me to the nearest tavern. Ask for a room for three. Let me reiterate this: Two adult men dragging a teenage girl ask for a room for three.
>They get the room, dump me in the bed and go downstairs to get drinks.
>After a bit of drinking (and us wondering about not fading to black) a group of paladins burst in, having been alerted by the barkeep. Detect evil however gives nothing (Monk was lawful good, knight was lawful neutral). Paladins ask about me.
>Instead of an explanation the monk jumps in and says. "She's legal in her homeland." This results in paladins investigating, but finding nothing. Did get free healing out of it, due to the paladins needing my testimony.
>cont.

>> No.33983507

>>33983487
>Find our way to material plane, after buying superbooze on the astral plane (100% alcohol enchanted to not make it instantly lethal)
>Arrive in new town, get two rooms in the inn. decide to try out the superbooze in the material plane.
>Drunkard monk tries the drink, fortitude save rolls a 1, instantly falls asleep and is brought to his room.
>I try the drink, last three rounds before I roll a two and fail the save, passing out. Knight prepares to drag my ass upstairs.
>Paladin sitting in the corner intervenes, detects evil but finds nothing.
>fucking white knights...
>Next day we work to gain a permit to sell the booze in this town. Give free samples to Orc mercenaries, obtain friends.

Of course once the sorceror player returned shenanigans happened and two sessions later we find ourselves in the capital of an empire ruled by a lich queen.

>Enter tavern, find barkeeper and mysterious stranger only ones there.
>As everyone begins to spread out and do things the monk challenges the stranger to a drinking contest. Stranger stares intently at the monk for a moment.
>Everyone convinced he is a paladin (which he turns out to be.)
>I suggest we give him a glass of the ├╝berbooze.
>Everyone rolls saves, I roll another 2.
>Pass out, miss part of the vital plot conversation.

>> No.33983515

>>33972602
Sorry for all these white knights OP. /tg/ is infested with them.
It is funny how people here can talk wiser than philosophers, but when it comes that the creature with the boobs they all go butthurt whiteknight.

>> No.33983563

>>33976065
>>33976170
The thing about /tg/ is that we're honest.
We aren't nice, or especially fair, or even that productive.
However, if something is absolute shit, we'll say so.
If someone has a perfectly good thing, then we'll tell them they have a perfectly good thing.
We won't sing false praises, and we won't make up fake criticisms much.

>> No.33983677

>>33975084
Go away OP

No one believes this happened anyway

>> No.33983703

>>33972780
>Everyone was just looking as me awe struck

That wasn't awe. It was disgust, shock or contempt.

>> No.33984111

>>33983677
>>33983703
Here
>>33976065

>> No.33984265

>>33983487
>>33983507
>having shitty fort saves
>doing a thing that requires good fort save
This is a thing you are supposed to not do.

>> No.33984279

>>33972780
Nigger you just went full Dark Side. You never go full Dark Side.
The girl's a colossal cunt and you've become one.
Just learn to kick people out of the group you pussy.

>> No.33984333

>>33976065
Oh thank God.

>> No.33984355

>>33984265
Actually I've got the best saves in the party. Just shitty luck on those two occasions.

>> No.33984724

>>33984355
>warlock
>best fort save in the party
Well that's unusual. The fuck does the knight have for con?

>> No.33984815

Okay, gentlemen, here's my ThatGuy story. So I have had a number of groups over the years, but the first group I ever gamed with were my stupid friends. We started with werewolf, went on to DnD, gained and lost memebers, but for were for the most part solid.

Then one day, ThatGuy showed up, and because Im an asshole, Ill refer to him by name, Dom. Dom joined, we were in the middle of a 4e campaign. He made a Thri Keen ranger, and took a theme that allowed him to create items. Alchemist or something. He was a basic murder hobo, although he tried to scavange everything off of everyone because he wanted to build some kind... of rube goldberg killing device? i dunno.

by itself, thats kind of a cool idea, but after a while, he just wanted to use it to build powerful weapons, basically, so he could get extra initiative passes for his automatons. Since he was not interested in roleplaying this in the slightest, it felt like blantant powergaming. It also didnt help that he wanted to his thri keen claws ability every round, at range. I was okay with the range thing, but giving him an abusable minor action attack at will seemed much. I got into it with him. Tempers where high, I won.

>> No.33984867

>>33984724
You underestimate the power of magic items. And in 3.5 Constitution is one of the important stats.

>> No.33984960

>>33984815
The breaking point came when I wanted to start a Mutants and Masterminds campaign. The theme was teen titans. 90 point buy, no magic. then Dom caught wind i was using HeroForge demo to check the math.

He went out and bought a license, spent a week with the fucking program, and came to me with a 17 page character sheet. He had 30 in every stat. Remember, 90 points. PL 6

I asked him what sorcery he used to accomplish this. He actually had no idea. I found he had enabled some house rules.
Free Equipment
Equipment as device.

Equipment is M&M's way of implementing normal weapons. Bond's PPK, or batman's batterangs. Devices are more permanent fixtures. Iron mans suit, Green Lanturn's ring.

In a super hero game, most of the time, a normal gun isnt going to hurt them, so the system has a house rule to give them to characters for free. Fucker combined these two rules and said it was a impanted super brain or someshit. Thats not even including powers (which were mostly just redundant instances of fly or blast.)

I uncheck these boxes.

He had almost 350 points

>> No.33985116

>>33984960
I call bullshit on his shenanigans, and tell him to come back. Two days later, he brings me a revised sheet. Its down to 12 pages. I demand to see everything. hes down to 250 points, and has replaced some of his bullshit with another tactic (hes discovered how to make custom items, for which he can set the cost of in the builder. Never mind Im supposed to be doing that, as the DM)

I tell him no. At that point, the fucker actually cries.

"Well, I guess you just want her to suck."

I ran a few sessions for the other guys He played in the 4e campaign. Eventually, I started fucking this chick who was free sunday evenings. Blowjobs offered by greasy nerds: zero. For their part, they decided I wasnt worth their time either, so in the end, they kind of kicked me out, and replaced me with Dom.

Thats all that there is, TG. I was dampered on M&M for a long while after.

>> No.33986981

>>33972780
That was kind of an asshole move.
Dont get me wrong, i fucking hate people like mel, but you should have just insisted on her making a normal character or told her to fuck off.
Or at least you could have made her downfall more interesting and satisfactory then "lol u get ur butt kicked by goblins and then raped"

>> No.33987074

Ah like OP's DM.

Shame he only has hambeast SJWs to game with.

>> No.33987325

>>33986981
The truth behind most "that guy" stories: It takes two to tango.

>> No.33987995

>>33982724
>Not immediately calling bullshit when one of the group members' name is Adolfo

>> No.33988112

>>33972780
>Goblin rape

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