/lit/ - Literature

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/wg/ - Writing General Anonymous Mon Apr 3 18:05:09 2023 No.21868425 [Reply] [Original]

Welcome to "(you)r new home" edition.

Previous thread: >>21845727

/wg/ AUTHORS & FLASH FICTION: https://pastebin.com/ruwQj7xQ
RESOURCES & RECOMMENDATIONS: https://pastebin.com/nFxdiQvC

Please limit excerpts to one post.
Give advice as much as you receive it to the best of your ability.
Follow prompts made below and discuss written works for practice; contribute and you shall receive.
If you have not performed a cursory proofread, do not expect to be treated kindly. Edit your work for spelling and grammar before posting.
Violent shills, relentless shill-spammers, and grounds keeping prose, should be ignored and reported.

Simple guides on writing:
https://youtu.be/pHdzv1NfZRM
https://youtu.be/whPnobbck9s
https://youtu.be/YAKcbvioxFk

Thread theme:
https://youtu.be/XU0bpLyw764

Anonymous Mon Apr 3 18:12:44 2023 No.21868445

>>21868425
I'd like to make a public request of the pastebin manager (and I'll probably DM the guy for good measure) but the author listing ahould be expanded to include how many books the author has released and the publication date of the most recent.

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 18:31:10 2023 No.21868480 Is this acceptable prose? https://litter.catbox.moe/1tjr8i.jpg

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 18:33:54 2023 No.21868486 >>21868480 purple

Anonymous Mon Apr 3 18:35:13 2023 No.21868495 [DELETED]

File: 99 KB, 722x574, 2C01EA87-F873-4463-B71A-5AE2D9DE246F.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

Bought into the hype. Kabbalah of the Crocodile is officially the best book from here. Pic related is the first couple pages. What is F Gardner’s goal with this? Is he trying to get his book banned? I’ve never seen a book so blatantly antisemitic and Gardner’s motives seem unclear, if not nonexistent.

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 18:36:28 2023 No.21868500 >>21868486 Really? I've been told my prose was dry before. But is it bad?

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 18:37:52 2023 No.21868505 Started writing again after two years of absence from the craft. For now I'm writing a convoluted freeform book of oldschool surrealism that I will never publish anywhere while I'm still alive.

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 18:46:13 2023 No.21868528 >>21868495 >Gardner’s motives seem unclear speaking out against the jewish genital mutilation cult is a motive as pure one can get

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 18:57:14 2023 No.21868572 >>21868528 I’ve gained so much respect for Gardner with this. He’s proven himself to be the most redpilled person out of all of /wg./ Go F Gardner!

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 19:00:49 2023 No.21868586 I can't entirely tell if this is ironic shilling, or if Gardner thinks he is subtle.

Anonymous Mon Apr 3 19:02:00 2023 No.21868590

>>21868500
>He took her hand as if he were picking up a jewel
when you pick up a jewel you pinch it between your thumb and forefinger, something you never do to a hand
>Cradling the fiberglass shell he tested the joints of her fingers, and when Catherine replicated the motion,
it's not clear what you mean by "tested the joints" so it's confusing when she replicates the motion because I don't know what the motion was to begin with.
>and that which was still sprung to life in his palm, he let go, with his breath in a hold and his heart racing.
the way you've constructed this sentence makes it impossible to understand on the first read through. Stop being so cute with "that which was still" and "breath in a hold" if they get in the way of comprehension.
>In a gesture that strikingly resembled human curiosity
find a better way to prosaically describe how it resembles human curiosity
>down at the hammered inlays on the back of her forearms: a pattern like that tattooed in henna on an Indian bride, exalted to the white lustre of platinum
hard to describe how much I dislike this description for being simultaneously vague and ostentatious
>She understood that Allan had made a work of art of her, and he's meant every detail to be sumptuous and baroque
So lame. All these gay little tricks with sentence structure and word choice aren't a substitute for vivid description. The reader only sort of understands what's going on and the imagery is confused and vague.

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 19:12:36 2023 No.21868613 >>21868590 Do you quote the entire thing here on purpose?

Anonymous Mon Apr 3 19:20:06 2023 No.21868632
File: 106 KB, 800x1028, HD-wallpaper-yuri-fanart-cute-girl-lovers.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

I want to write a romance between an euphoric atheist girl and a Jehovah's Witness who is secretly a lesbian.
Before I continue though, I need to know what the fuck I am doing wrong. Rate and hate.
https://files.catbox.moe/c6f4zo.txt

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 19:28:46 2023 No.21868665 >>21868632 >I need to know what the fuck I am doing wrong Well, for starters, you're getting into writing.

Anonymous Mon Apr 3 19:36:46 2023 No.21868689

>>21868632
so while all forms of jew worship are cults, jw's are much moreso a cult than a number of others. that said the thing you have to understand is they're typically very genuinely nice, well meaning people, but because they're a cult they have very strict rules they have to follow and their activities are scheduled pretty closely. I assume you're going to have the jw girl be proselytizing and that's how she meets the fedora

so anyway what you're doing wrong is you're starting off the story after they already met each other. the scene you skipped is what caused the two to feel some attraction for the other. that's your inciting incident. that's what I want to read about.

my recommendation is you do more research on the jw's, and I would change your story to 1st person perspective. either focusing on the jw (secret lesbian) girl entirely, or swapping perspectives every other chapter. because this is a romance type story I think it'd be better if the reader is inside the character's heads.

Anonymous Mon Apr 3 19:47:02 2023 No.21868737

>>21868689
I wanted to make it into a forbidden love thing with a tragic (or at best bittersweet) ending. A story in which they both want to change the other to their ways, but it just wont work.
Are the JW's too extreme for this sort of story to be "plausible"? I know they are strong in the mind-control business and that they discourage members from talking to non-believers, but I'm not sure if they are the kind of cult that obsessively keep tabs on their members.

Anonymous Mon Apr 3 19:52:16 2023 No.21868762

>>21868737
no, jw's are perfect for this
jw's are required to go to regular sessions so they are pretty tightly controlled, however they are encouraged to spread the good word and proselytize. so while they're discouraged quite heavily on one hand, on the other they are forced to go out. this sort of internal conflict should make for a good character

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 20:57:25 2023 No.21869012 File: 508 KB, 605x468, Hornless.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>21868586 Probably a Barneyfag like situation. One man replying to himself, arguing with himself about a subject no one else cares about.

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 21:01:15 2023 No.21869025 >>21869012 I’ve developed the strange notion that the anti-Gardner poster and the Gardner shills are both Gardner in truth.

Anonymous Mon Apr 3 21:33:31 2023 No.21869118
File: 83 KB, 840x1192, soffice.bin_2023-04-04_00-30-00.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

I watched some videos on what to avoid on the first page and what to avoid in writing in general. Anything I missed? Can giving out the premise in the first sentence work?
and the most important question: would you turn the page?

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 21:42:55 2023 No.21869170 >>21869118 At first I wanted to say I didn't like the first sentence, but after thinking about it for a moment or two it works. I love it.

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 22:07:52 2023 No.21869262 It's taken me 3 years of writing and a 2 year break from writing, but I'm closing in on the final draft of my novel. I don't I'll make an attempt at getting it published but I'm happy with it

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 22:10:59 2023 No.21869275 >>21869118 what tips did you gleam?

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 22:13:26 2023 No.21869279 Sharing. https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/66501/off-world-bleak-fable-series

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 22:15:24 2023 No.21869288 >>21869118 it's ok you're on the right track

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 22:18:16 2023 No.21869298 >>21869279 Want in the pastebin?

Anonymous Mon Apr 3 22:20:44 2023 No.21869304
File: 277 KB, 1280x2508, Transmutation Magic - Sensua Silverfeather by XiryaMaharani .jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>21868425
I’m thinking of having my MC specialize in transmutation magic, what are some cool ways that they can use it, especially in a fight?

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 22:21:40 2023 No.21869306 >>21869275 I tried to avoid anything ending with -ly, the word "was", infodumping/world building on the first page and purple prose >>21869170 >>21869288 thank you sirs

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 22:23:15 2023 No.21869314 >>21869304 Two words. Penis sword.

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 22:30:59 2023 No.21869339 >>21869298 Yeah that'd be nice thanks.

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 22:32:40 2023 No.21869344 >>21869304 He should be about preparation. Unless you make him seriously op and have the swords/arrows that hit him turn into jello on impact

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 23:10:22 2023 No.21869492 >>21869262 Awesome well done. Might as well share it somewhere if you don't intend to publish. Never know what might come of it.

Anonymous Mon Apr 3 23:21:39 2023 No.21869522

>>21869279
Nice. I try to at least put all the stories from here on my follow list, though I don't read as much as I used to on account of friends and writing getting in the way.
>>21869298
https://www.royalroad.com/fiction/56518/the-child-from-the-woods
If you handle the pastebin, I'd appreciate my story also being added.
>>21869304
It is rather basic, but a simple trick my character has used is just softening the ground, either this causes them to slip, or if it is more of a liquid, they fall in and then he hardens it again so they are stuck.

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 23:23:13 2023 No.21869525 >>21869314 Okay Beowulf, calm down. Not everyone can use the three sword style.

>>	Alex Beyman Mon Apr 3 23:23:34 2023 No.21869526 >>21869298 Can I get my stuff added? linktr. ee/alexbeyman

Anonymous Mon Apr 3 23:29:19 2023 No.21869541

>>21869304
>The oni witch raised her palms in front of anon, her fanged jawline stretched into a sly smile.
>Anon held up his shield preparing himself for a fireball of a bolt of lightning.
>Frayed beams of green plasma exploded from her rough hands.
>The light enveloped Anon circling around him as he tried to slash the beams of light with his sword.
>The oni let out a smug chuckle. Anon shrank in size while his flesh transformed into chocolate.
>The oni strutted over to the tiny man, kneeling on her haunches she picked him up bringing him toward her mouth.
>Anon now the size of a delicious sweet kicked his legs as the witch dangled him over her tongue
>With a flick of her wrist she sent Anon into the air snatching him midair with her teeth.
>The oni sucked Anon passed her pursed lips into her mouth, sloshing him around with her tongue. His chocolate skin melting as it contacted her warm saliva.
>His horrified cries dissipated as his body turned into a melted puddle of candy in her mouth.
>The oni savored the sweetness of her treat. Letting out a satisfied moan as she swallowed the gooey ball of chocolate.
>She skipped away licking her lips searching for another treat.
Vore.

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 23:55:32 2023 No.21869625 >>21868737 There are tons of testimonials on youtube. Just search the anti cult or athiest channel. Theramin Trees is one. You can mine IRL stories for ideas.

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 23:56:43 2023 No.21869627 >>21869025 No. The other guy is too coherent. And only one half of the convo tends to get banned.

>>	Anonymous Mon Apr 3 23:59:14 2023 No.21869635 File: 7 KB, 250x247, 1678874595671394s.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>21869275 >glean

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 00:05:01 2023 No.21869653 File: 31 KB, 797x587, Untitled.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >search "slut" on urbanthesaurus.org >pic related What a load of woke bullshit.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 00:06:03 2023 No.21869656 File: 24 KB, 855x498, Untitled.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>21869653 not even the regular thesaurus has the balls to pull that shit

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 00:37:11 2023 No.21869787 >>21869653 what a bunch of pussies. I was looking for similar words to retarded (as in the verb, not the adjective) and it gave me a similar result.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 00:53:23 2023 No.21869839 I updated my story about a workaholic business consultant who lost all sense of humanity: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WCSU7Nqg48b5WHNAkrC1iN6_BB49vrRDsF-bnK6xKqk/mobilebasic Tell me how shit I am

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 00:58:39 2023 No.21869859

People last thread said they liked these two ideas the best, please vote to help me choose a project to just buckle down on and write: https://strawpoll.com/polls/eNg694mO3nA

Whatever /wg/ decides is what I'll focus on until at least the second draft is complete.

Eldritch Casino
>Guy in his late 20s down on his luck finds a job posting for Casino concierge in Vegas and takes it hoping to improve his life. He's stuck in the hotel and things get more and more strange around him until he mentally breaks and tries to escape only to end up outside in a dark post-apocalyptic world akin to the surface world in the Matrix trilogy. Lots of political commentary along the way about how those with power don't have anyone's best interests at heart but their own and how these cycles of revolution and subjugation continue ad infinitum.

Post 1920s French
>Fresh college grad moves to Paris to try to live like his literary heroes from the lost generation except it's the early 1930s and all those artists have moved on. He's ostensibly writing for his father's newspaper but secretly trying to write an overly purple novel at the same time. He meets an African immigrant girl who's making an awful living as a working class cafe employee and has to deal with his latent racist views and his lusting over this girl ultimately learning about what it means to want, to love, and about facing his own preconceived notions of people. He is called back to America after the couple have a love affair which, unknowingly because it was kept from him, created a child. After news of the war breaks out and the invasion of Paris he enlists in the army and after a tour across Europe he makes it back to find that both his lover and the child he didn't know he had died in some way.

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 01:07:40 2023 No.21869894

>>21869859
>le spooky casino vs nigger babby
the first sounds stupid and contrived and the message entirely hamfisted so I'm gonna say the second even though it promotes racemixing. I'd easily choose the first if you didn't have the dark post-apocalyptic twist. what's wrong with simply sticking with spooky casino?

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 01:08:49 2023 No.21869897 >>21869894 Go back to pol please. You are not welcome here.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 01:13:30 2023 No.21869910 >>21869897 that's just, like, your opinion man I know, let's have a straw poll https://strawpoll.com/polls/PbZqRY4KNyN

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 01:15:21 2023 No.21869915 >>21869910 So you can brigade it? Get out of here. I don't want you and nobody in your life does either, some of them simply can't get away from you easily.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 01:17:14 2023 No.21869925 >>21869915 what dusty shithole did you blow in from?

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 01:18:33 2023 No.21869930 >>21869897 >trying to start a retarded thread culture argument instead of posting or replying to prose Loser retard

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 01:20:11 2023 No.21869932 >>21869930 >>21869925 I spit on your dead mothers.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 01:22:58 2023 No.21869939 >>21868445 https://lampbylit.com/magazine/authors/ is a better list. Also...previous thread >>21854152

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 01:29:35 2023 No.21869960 >>21868445 Once i get home ill look into changing it to include those details. i don't want the pastebin to be confusing to look at and navigate >>21869939 >better list >doesn't include any of the anons on RR or other webnovel sites

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 02:11:48 2023 No.21870145 File: 545 KB, 482x610, 1679170414429397.gif [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>21869859 Second sounds more palpable for the modern publisher.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 02:24:52 2023 No.21870183 File: 72 KB, 750x503, moonies.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>21869859 Are you going to do research? These won't work unless you nail the setting.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 02:26:34 2023 No.21870187 >>21869960 Thanks mate. I hate to shill when ever banner ad is for Kabbalah right now but its dumb to not say I released my 4th book today

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 02:31:18 2023 No.21870195

>>21869859
Second idea sounds a bit like Salinger's "A Girl I Knew". I'd like the first idea more if you removed the Matrix twist. Casinos seem like an underrated setting for horror, seeing as they try to keep you in them for as long as possible (no windows or clocks).

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 02:40:06 2023 No.21870212 Why do I hate everything I put on paper. It’s seriously becoming a problem. I can’t get past the starting point. Everything I write sounds dumb.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 02:45:09 2023 No.21870220 >>21869656 >you saucy little minx

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 02:46:44 2023 No.21870223 >>21870195 >Casinos/horror You should check out "Pretty Maggie Moneyeyes" by Harlan Ellison.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 03:12:28 2023 No.21870274 >>21870187 Shilling is fine, even expected to an extent. The issue is when people act as if they aren't shilling.

Günther Grass Tue Apr 4 03:12:51 2023 No.21870277

>>21864308
the book with the cat on it describes how young adolescent boys jack of on a partially sunken boat, how their load sizes compare and how the cum then mixes with birdshit to a sublime, slippery white mass, suitable as lube for gay sex.
>>21864154
truly sublime. i will never be able to read other authors, because I will never be able to read anything again (except the book with the cat on it)

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 03:26:40 2023 No.21870324 >>21868480 You should write it out as "four o' four".

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 03:26:42 2023 No.21870325 File: 90 KB, 1031x804, EM-aYgvU0AAaXQH.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >Somehow, I'm only averaging 12 pages a month

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 03:48:59 2023 No.21870387 >>21868495 fuck off gardner

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 03:58:04 2023 No.21870413

I want to learn to write a genuinely nice character in an adventure story. Not a roguish antihero, not a brooding emo bastard, not some smug teenaged SI, just...well, a friendly chap you'd like to be friends with.

I want to know how to make someone like that interesting. Any Recs?

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 04:06:47 2023 No.21870429 >>21870413 make him like that pudgy English bloke with his beer you see posted from time to time on varying boards

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 04:08:54 2023 No.21870431 Oh God I wish I could write I want to write Oh God Oh God Oh God

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 04:12:06 2023 No.21870435

>>21870431
Then write, do it.
It might be shit at the start, in fact, I'd say it almost certainly will be, but then you keep writing until you get better at it.
Take what you write and post it here, get criticized, do better, post it again, repeat until you have some confidence in your writing.
The worst thing you can do is want to write and then never even try.
It doesn't even cost you anything but your time, and if you are shitposting here, then you have time to spare.

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 04:45:52 2023 No.21870539
File: 52 KB, 593x680, 1590594161893.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>21868425
>Try to write a story about the relationship between a guy and a robot girl
>Ends up one of two ways
>Robot girl is kind and loving and perfect but the guy acts all tsudere because he's worried about how others will view him.
>Guy fully embraces his robot gf and it just becomes a fap fic of them fucking
Why does my brain keep coming back around to this concept and how do I make it not shit? I tried spicing it up by putting it in a post apocalyptic setting, but it just turned into the first two things only the robot girl is the gunner for the guy's Mad Max car.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 04:50:39 2023 No.21870552 >>21870539 make it mad max in space just have it be comfy adventures drifting around the the belts of Saturn or some shit I would read it

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 04:55:11 2023 No.21870565

>>21870539
You could have him build a robot with free will, at first it would be perfect, then as it learns it starts to question their relationship, drama happens, they get back together, leading to your second way.
Some concepts don't have the same legs as others, so try to think of how you could add conflict or some other hook to make the story interesting.
Or, as the other anon said, make it a comfy adventure. If it is well written, you can just write the adventures of Guy Dude the Robofucker and his Wife, no need for anything but that.

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 05:28:21 2023 No.21870626
File: 165 KB, 480x622, 1561226924110.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>21870565
I am really bad at writing relationship drama. Probably due to my own personal baggage, I feel compelled to have the guy suffer in some way for having a perfect robot waifu, while never wanting anything really bad to happen to the waifu bot. The robot always ends up being less of a character and more of a prompting for the guy to have mental anguish about how he subconsciously believes he doesn't deserve nice things.

Oh damn, I think I just realized one of the reasons why I have trouble talking to women. Thank you anon for helping me peel back this layer of my own emotional onion. Have another robot girl from my collection.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 05:29:38 2023 No.21870627 >>21870626 >the guy to have mental anguish about how he subconsciously believes he doesn't deserve nice things. Haha, wouldn't that be crazy. I mean, surely none of us clearly well adjusted individuals have such a complex.

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 05:32:38 2023 No.21870630

main character going on a vision quest inside the furthest inner chamber of a nuclear waste storage facility guarded by the solar priests who send people they dislike into the cave but Our Boy is an extremely robust mutant whose clone line of royalty was created by the freaky people who live in orbit with the intent of seeding the population of a war-ravaged Earth with advantageous artificial genes so instead of dying the radiation just makes him trip balls and see his dead dad Mufasa style

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 05:36:03 2023 No.21870634 >>21870626 The robogf is an unintentional vehicle for therapy for the guy and he slowly learns to be okay with himself with her help

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 05:52:23 2023 No.21870656

>>21870634
In the current draft of the story I'm working on, the guy receives his robot gf from the company he works at as a "social prosthesis." Because happy workers are productive workers. They want to keep workplace shootings to a minimum, so handing out a few robo waifus helps keep insurance costs down. If there's one thing that's consistent in my writing, it's that even when corporations do something good, they're doing it for greedy reasons.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 06:01:32 2023 No.21870671 >>21868632 more nigga. This is great

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 06:13:51 2023 No.21870694

>>21870656
There should be a company AI playing matchmaker and causing shenanigans, up to its own agenda that primarily involves making people happier and more fulfilled in life despite the corporation's interests, with enough control over the information flow in the company to avoid the execs ever catching on.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 06:29:43 2023 No.21870721 >>21868632 I'd read it since I'm into lesbians, but I won't touch religionfaggotry with a ten-foot pole

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 06:42:32 2023 No.21870742 >>21870694 Imagine them keeping track of all of your waifus from the media you consoom and then using it to make an aggregate personality for your waifu bot. It would be great, but the disturbing implications would almost ruin it.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 06:51:05 2023 No.21870754 all this talk of robot girls reminds me of an old setting I came up with where a group of gynoids take a vow of chastity and become nuns at the behest of a strange AI that declared itself the new pope

Alex Beyman Tue Apr 4 06:55:31 2023 No.21870764
File: 124 KB, 1170x1872, littlerobotcover.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

While we're talking robo gfs...

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B06W56VTJ2/

You can even talk to her here:
https://beta.character.ai/chat?char=SavmfthEVurQPdQSxGFgQpQmv0ZaOE3-PWKLetcNBYE

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 10:39:37 2023 No.21871053 Why do i detest hugboxing fantasy writers so much?

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 11:12:56 2023 No.21871115 >>21871053 You don't believe you deserve hugs

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 11:30:23 2023 No.21871139

>>21871115
>You don't beleive
No i do, its just i havnt found anyone deserving enough to give them in a while.

I'm starting to think my dislike stems from their espousal of inclusion. Yet when someone has a different take on their chosen genre they try and get them cancelled because they used a word like 'snigger' or 'cunt'.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 11:50:17 2023 No.21871159 >>21871053 Because you're a /pol/tard.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 12:01:56 2023 No.21871176 >show don't tell I'm struggling to understand this, coming from a film background. Isn't all text just "telling"? how do you show in text?

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 12:05:31 2023 No.21871182

>>21871176
Presenting information vs informing conclusions
Show don't tell is mostly retarded. Though, if you come from a visual media you almost definitely should take the advice when it's given
Think on the purpose of a scene. If you ever, EVER conclude a scenes purpose is to portray the visual details of the scene, slap yourself in the nuts immediately and cut that shit out

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 12:06:19 2023 No.21871183 >>21871176 It means to not stop the active scene to explain something. If it matters, it gets explained in the moment

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 13:18:50 2023 No.21871291

What's the best way to have a character who starts out as a normal guy but suddenly gets corrupted and does more and more depraved shit? Demonic possession is off the table as that wouldn't even fit with the setting. Right now I'm bouncing between the corruption being the result of a curse or the result of hereditary issues. Any other ideas?

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 14:06:50 2023 No.21871393 >>21871291 An emotional shock out of nowhere, e.g. his fiance gets killed.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 14:10:30 2023 No.21871405 >>21871291 acute psychotic episode. psychotic disorders can be hereditary t. went in public with a knife during an episode and almost hurt a kid

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 14:12:35 2023 No.21871410 File: 77 KB, 1000x1500, 611L+iXC4NL._AC_SL1500_.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>21870634 >>21870656 >>21870694 >>21870754 Writing Emily project 2.0?

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 14:34:39 2023 No.21871469 >>21869118 It’s alright, I suppose. Reads more like the thesis of an essay than a clever book that’s supposed to convey the premise of the story.

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 14:39:28 2023 No.21871478

>>21869306
There’s nothing wrong with any of these things, provided that they’re executed well. But most people don’t know how to write first page exposition without making it boring or confusing. Also, I fully resent the idea that there’s something wrong with using -ly adjectives.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 14:42:19 2023 No.21871484 >>21869118 It sounds incredibly awkward. Are you an ESL?

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 14:52:02 2023 No.21871508

>>21869859
Alternative twist to the casino plot: the casino is run by seemingly strange and unusual (human) figures who hardly anyone sees or interacts with barring upper management. There is potential for a red herring in portraying them as mobsters, feds, or a cult. By the end of the story, the protagonist discovers that the proprietors of the casino are eldritch monstrosities which feed on human greed (in some physical and metaphysical way?). They should ideally be depicted in a way which reflects avarice, southwestern demonic aesthetics, or something else relating to the themes of your story (this part is up to you). If you use my phenomenal idea - which is arguably better than yours - please include me in the acknowledgements, anon.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 14:54:44 2023 No.21871516 >>21870325 I wish I was even that prolific. I spend too much time researching and doing the dreaded mid-writing edits. Really oughta kill those habits.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 14:55:52 2023 No.21871520 >>21870429 The tavern keeper.

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 14:58:16 2023 No.21871534

>>21871484
I am yes, I've been influenced by hundreds of english speaking movies, numerous from the era this story takes place in (early 50's).
What stood out as awkward the most? I know I struggle with dialogue because autism and being shut-in.
>>21871478
I want to execute them well, I've erased many adverbs already.

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 14:58:44 2023 No.21871536

>>21870764
>Alex Beyman
More like Alex GAYman, amirite?

Jabs aside, I see that you have a chat bot set up. Would it be interesting or cringe to use something like ChatGPT for the robot's dialog and responses? I'm not sure if that's exactly what you did, I'm not reading your book lol.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 14:59:00 2023 No.21871537 >>21871176 Show don't tell is a pitfall of a writing fallacy that media creators think is a universal truth when in actuality, it hurts more than it help if you do not know what the fuck you are doing. In writing, this is especially true.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 15:00:13 2023 No.21871540 >>21870539 Create conflict. Give the characters some reason that they can’t be together - multiple ideally, both physical and emotional. This reinforces the desire of the reader to want them to make it work. This is romance storytelling 101.

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 15:34:23 2023 No.21871631

>>21871534
>What stood out as awkward the most?
Unkempt is usually used to describe a person's general appearance, clothing, hair, or sometimes lawn. Unkempt teeth sounds weird.
>grinding together and yearning
It sounds like his teeth are doing the yearning, which is strange.
>He fell down with a high pitch cackling filling the store.
'He fell down with a high pitch cackle' would be a normal description. But adding a participle (filling...) to the end makes it sounds like the cackle is coming from somewhere else.

So it's not bad grammar, but odd choices that make it sound unnatural. You are one of the people that might actually benefit from an AI. Have it rewrite your stuff to help you calibrate the bland baseline.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 15:36:51 2023 No.21871634 I have all these great scenes in my book and the words came easily writing them. It's such a shame the other 90% remains unfinished as I find myself getting bored whenever I attempt to write it.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 15:38:07 2023 No.21871639 >>21871508 >They should ideally be depicted in a way which reflects avarice hey, cool it with the antisemitism

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 15:39:28 2023 No.21871641 >>21871634 Do you plan out every detail of the ending? If so you might want to try and include the possibility of a more entertaining, unpredictable ending to keep yourself engaged in the story.

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 15:44:43 2023 No.21871652

>>21871631
>Unkempt teeth sounds weird.
roger, I will change that
>It sounds like his teeth are doing the yearning, which is strange.
that's how I experience yearning for snacks, I want to drop in hints of my experience with autism without the book being about autism, like it's an "iykyk" moment. I do understand how this could come off as strange for others though.
>the cackle is coming from somewhere else
it was coming from the other boy who tripped Nick over, but I seemed to have forgotten that I erased the part where he was tripped over because I did a lot of edits.
The original plan was that the boys were trying to steal some candy by distracting the clerk with a broken bottle, and their plan being foiled because Nick is the shorter one of the two

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 15:45:45 2023 No.21871656 >>21871641 The picture in my head of the ending is what gave me the idea for the story and characters. Everything else is how they get to that final point.

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 15:49:35 2023 No.21871666

>>21871656
I'm not saying you should change your ending completely. I do think though that, from personal experience, knowing too much about how the story ends can be very unmotivating. You've locked in a certain amount of twists and turns in the story, and that puts a creative dampner on everything you do.

All I'm saying really is you could include a greater level of uncertainty for yourself about the ending. Typically the initial endings writers come up with are better off as starting points to even better twists and turns in the narrative.

Hope this helps.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 15:59:36 2023 No.21871682 >>21871666 I understand what you're saying though I think in my case it's more the fact I just seem to hate writing the sections that get me from scene A to scene B. Writing the cool stuff is fun, the rest not so much.

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 16:31:56 2023 No.21871768

>>21871291
Does he love his family? Have him get wrapped up in some mess they made, either covering up a murder or dealing with a shady debt they have.
I think this works as it shows him as normal due to his love of them, but also how that love can lead to a 'normal' person doing horrible things.
Maybe their sibling or parent is in an abusive relationship but he can't convince them to leave it, so he has to take matters in his own hands because if he doesn't then he believes they are actually going to be killed.
I remember overhearing my father telling my sisters that he didn't tell us boys about one of my sisters having been beaten by her boyfriend because he was worried one of us might actually kill her boyfriend.
And, for just a split second, I had the intrusive thought to actually do it, but that faded away pretty quickly. you could use that moment of passion intrusive thought to make your character do something out of the ordinary.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 20:13:47 2023 No.21872420 Is there something that would count how many times a certain word appears in my novel? I'm trying to eliminate overused words/phrases. I'm already combing through the amount of 'couldn't's and 'but's.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 20:15:10 2023 No.21872428 >>21872420 Grep if you're a linux fag, ctrl-f otherwise.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 20:57:33 2023 No.21872584 Should I use third person to avoid having to deal with the PoV of a genius protagonist?

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 21:34:07 2023 No.21872723 >>21872584 sherlock holmes did this by having watson, maybe do something like that?

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 22:09:12 2023 No.21872831

>>21869118
How often do you read? Just watching videos on a subject isn't enough to get good at it, and your writing shows why. You start with a good hook but automatically transition into a scene that has nothing to do with it. This would be fine if the scene served some other purpose, but all it offers is some weak characterization. The page ends by returning to the hook but by then the momentum is loss. To put it simply, you have the hook but no bait. Either give the reader a reason to care about the hook, or have the hook grab them immediately and not let go. Also work on your prose

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 22:25:47 2023 No.21872874

>>21869279
Premise is interesting enough, but your writing style is fucking unbearable

Write longer paragraphs

Half of the time you didn't even need to start a new paragraph

It's fucking obnoxious

And stop using he said, I said, then said, so much

That was unnecessary most of the time too

All these quirks make your already mediocre prose borderline unreadable.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 22:28:37 2023 No.21872887 >>21869118 I can't tell you how much I hate the phrase "unkempt teeth." It doesn't fit.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 22:38:47 2023 No.21872920 >>21872887 It should be tartar encrusted

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 22:47:46 2023 No.21872950 I'm new to these threads and I'd like some pointers for a short story I've written. I have it published on a substack but I was wondering if you guys have a prefered format/platform for me to post it on rather than just reading it off of that?

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 22:58:23 2023 No.21872993

>>21872874
Noted. Thanks for the feedback. I've put the sentences into longer paragraphs to fix the issue a bit.

As for the 'said' issue I really don't know when its best to remove them or keep them, so I'll need to get someone to do an edit for that at some point.

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 23:50:30 2023 No.21873120

>>21872993
I read a few paragraphs, that guy is right. You use way too many words, and you keep slipping in abstract words that disrupt the flow and pull the reader out of viewpoint.

>I woke to find I couldn’t breathe.
Adding "to find" makes this very abstract. You cannot see someone "wake up to find x". You can watch someone wake up, and you can watch someone try to breathe, and you can watch them choke; but when you express all three events into a single phrase, it breaks the illusion that we are seeing these events in real time.

>My nearly useless right hand reached into my mouth and poked into a sponge-like blockage which burst and a thick lime-tasting substance shot from my mouth like vomit.
"Nearly useless" is a judgement, and the MC would not be thinking in such a detached way while choking on a sponge thing. This muddles POV because we don't know if we are seeing the scene through MC's eyes as it is happening, or being told this story by him much later.

Don't treat the hand like it's its own fucking character. Say "I pushed my hand..." or "I reached...". Your viewpoint is fucked enough without telling the story from the perspective of the MC's bodyparts. What were his cock and balls up to? I want their opinion.

When you use "which" to create a subordinate phrase, you are treating the sentence like a solid block of information which you can only take in as a whole, like a painting. Combine phrases in a way that creates the illusion of momentum, time, and the first clause causing the second.

"I stuck my fingers into my mouth and found a spongy mass lodged in my jaw. I tried to fish it out, but it burst, shooting a stream of thick, lime-tasting liquid from my mouth."

>With each minute that passed my loud gasps for air quietened until I lay on my back on a hard grated floor. I crawled on my hands and knees until I found the corner of the cryostasis chamber.
Stop overusing phrases which fuck with the sense of time. "With each minute" and "until I did x" tell the reader to conjure up a span of several moments and then get ready to fill in the details. You can't be in the moment when several different moments are being bundled together in one sentence. Let things happen one by one and drop the qualifiers that frame them as part of a larger goal, or process.

You seem to have an idea you are passionate about, but yeah, you really need to work on prose. More than anything else, I would focus on cutting unnecessary words and creating the illusion of narrative flow in your paragraphs.

Anonymous Tue Apr 4 23:51:51 2023 No.21873125

>>21872950
If it can be fit in the postbox here then that works, if not pastebin.
Though personally I don't like reading the pastebin as much, it does have the benefit of letting me write the line number instead of needing to quote the entire section in my own post.

>>	Anonymous Tue Apr 4 23:58:54 2023 No.21873144 >>21873120 Great, thanks for the feedback, much appreciated.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 00:08:56 2023 No.21873171 >>21869839 decent

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 00:10:02 2023 No.21873173 >>21873144 That was a shockingly mature response. Well done.

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 00:17:30 2023 No.21873195

>>21868425
I'm color-coding my characters because I'm retarded. What colors best compliment cyan and red? I was going to go with violet, but I'm not sure if I like it. The colors are supposed to be symbolic and violet fits the character symbolically, but I kind of feel like it doesn't mesh with the cyan and red of the character's friends.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 00:39:30 2023 No.21873256 >>21873195 Yellow or green. RGB, is what I think about with cyan and red. I seem to recall some AV or composite cables had a green cable and some had a blue one, but I can't remember why other than adding another video signal.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 00:49:51 2023 No.21873286 >>21873195 sentai colors. red, blue, yellow, pink, green, white, black

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 00:53:38 2023 No.21873298 >>21873195 Are you writing about Pokemon or describing a harem by hair color?

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 00:59:47 2023 No.21873323 >>21873120 wtf. this is better advice than I get in my writing class.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 01:22:43 2023 No.21873413 >>21873298 Closer to pokemon because the colors are related to supernatural powers and are typically represented on the character as eye color. They should also represent personality traits to some degree.

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 01:25:40 2023 No.21873426

>>21869492
No, since it deals with characters, places, and topics that are important in my other stories. There's also a lot of childhood memories mixed in there.
I will take the important bits that arise from this rambling thing and build actual stories from it.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 02:10:24 2023 No.21873636 File: 51 KB, 750x305, ECEA7180-A084-43EE-86E0-3BFE088A3379.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 02:34:06 2023 No.21873713 I want to write a novel.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 02:39:08 2023 No.21873729 >>21873713 I also want to write a novel but I don't want to actually WRITE it.

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 02:46:04 2023 No.21873747
File: 1.65 MB, 1650x2550, Wake KDP copy.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

shilling my first book here, first time writing anything.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0BTS9G3MB

if you don't particularly feel like paying for it my twitter is in the author profile, if you dm me i'll send you a pdf

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 02:49:17 2023 No.21873758

>>21871291
In my opinion that kind of thing works best if there's a logical progression from virtue to depravity, perhaps some kind of situation thrusts your protagonist into doing something horrible and they find out a) it's the best way to get what they want, or b) they actually like the dark side.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 02:55:34 2023 No.21873775 >>21873747 want on the pastebin? with your twitter linked there too?

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 02:56:50 2023 No.21873781 >>21873775 Sure, thanks. I'm reading through some of the books on there right now.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 03:08:59 2023 No.21873809 Er...apparently, the & guy is a total druggie loser... >>21870704 I am SO glad I didn't send him any copies of my novels.

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 03:21:42 2023 No.21873849

>>21872420
NLTK will do that if you really want to analyze your text.

>>21872428
I would use ack

>>21872584
You can't do POV of a genius if you're not one. YOu have to do it from somebody else's POV. As the other anon said, you need a Watson to your Sherlock Holmes

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 05:05:59 2023 No.21874189

>>21872831
I read daily but I haven't been in the hoppy for long. I've only read 28 fiction books, and I feel like I really should read more books before writing one. Would you agree? I've seen 750 films and yet I feel like I'm not ready to start a screenplay.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 05:07:00 2023 No.21874192 >>21874189 >hoppy hobby* I'm sleep deprived

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 05:13:02 2023 No.21874212

>>21874189
If you want to do something you should just do it; if you want to wait until you feel "ready", the time will never be right in my experience. The most important thing is to keep momentum so you don't abandon your work in progress.

Something that I do when writing is to imagine scenes like a movie, visualizing the setting and characters, working through the dialogue that way. Not that dialogue in a book works the same as dialogue in a movie, but it helps to get the general structure down.

With all that said, I would recommend reading classics from your genre of choice and try to see why those stories work, not just the structure and characters but also the style of prose and how they lay out paragraphs and sentences. It never hurts to have a broader base of influences to draw from, but don't let a lack of experience deter you from creativity.

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 05:25:41 2023 No.21874251

Noor was sure at this point that God was playing tricks with him. He had woken up this morning determined to give that gray eyed witch a piece of his mind, and had somehow ended up having to pretend to be betrothed to her to avoid ending up in prison.

Ah well, God's will. Can't complain.

"So when exactly did you meet Noor, and become so well acquainted with him?" Asked Mary, her sky blue eyes positively smoldering as she glared at an increasingly pompous Areia.

"I'm sure I don't understand what you mean. I have a certain partnership with this gentleman for certain matters of mutual self-interest, and the circumstances of that are for private." The self proclaimed goddess said, as affronted as a Duchess.

"And that "partnership" is why you were sleeping in his bed?" Mary asked suspiciously.

"Since I am currently unhoused, yes.", Areia replied with a disdainful raise of her eyebrow. "I am quite sure that you are too well heeled a lady to be implying that I would be indulging in some disrespectable activities, so I won't openly accuse you of such. But please don't force me to do something so impolite, and keep out of the affairs of others."

Mary blinked in shock. So did Noor. That Areia could say something that ridiculous with a completely straight face would be unbelievable if they hadn't seen it by themselves.
//////////////////////////////////////////////////

The scene is supposed to be after Mary saw her sleeping in his bed at night, and is confronting him in the drawing room. Areia was only there because she is a goddess that's on the run from Eldritch Abominations while trying to carry out a mission from Not-Zeus.

I want her to come across as haughty, self possessed, and out of place. Mary is supposed to seem jealous, but not OBVIOUSLY so. Her affections for the MC are supposed to be secret at this point.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 06:27:51 2023 No.21874397 >>21873747 Advertising/begging is against global rules

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 06:35:54 2023 No.21874415 >tfw just discovery drafted the end to third book. >so good i got the chills Its all down hill from here isn't it bros.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 06:50:15 2023 No.21874434 What are some realistic experiences of having depression while being a teenager? More than cutting the wrists if you are a woman, or just feeling sad all day

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 06:51:08 2023 No.21874436 >>21874434 Feeling really lazy, and wanting to do nothing but lie around and watch vapid videos on YouTube.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 06:59:22 2023 No.21874448 >>21873747 Looks cool, good for you.

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 07:06:18 2023 No.21874460

>>21874434
what this guy said.>>21874436
I was too scared to die, but living was suffering because I was in constant pain.
I turned apathetic, just watch videos, play games, anything to keep my mind off how much I wanted to kill myself to make the pain stop. I was 15 when it happened, I'd say I was severely depressed until I was 18 or 19, at which point I finally got past it.
The pain never stopped, but now I can live without wanting to kill myself.
I finally got out of the depression when I played the game Lost Odyssey. The stories contained inside of the game wore down the shell of nothingness and I cried from something other than pain for the first time in years. At which point I considered myself out of the deep depression, and then just in a normal depression. Last time I had a depressive episode was in October, but that was just because I was out of state for a wedding in the family and I'm still a 23 year old kissless virgin who actually wants kids and a wife but I don't have any income and no matter how much people tell me it is fine, I don't want to be a burden on a significant other.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 07:26:32 2023 No.21874483 >>21874460 You're way too young at 23 to be despairing like this. You expected too much too soon, all that has happened is a reality check and recalibration of your expectations to within more reasonable bounds.

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 07:26:36 2023 No.21874484

>>21871159
I wish i could find delight there but its all so staged and played out. Honestly its just a bunch of dickbags spewing racial vitriol at each other over the news of the moment. Not that some of it isnt based on fact, but there are much better things to talk about.

Like gatekeeping flurohaired freaks screeching against the heterosexual male so he will never write words again.

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 07:34:05 2023 No.21874491

>>21874483
I expected my body to not fail me at 15, I expected to work manual labor, probably construction with my father. Maybe married by 25 like my oldest sister. I would've liked to be able to run around with my nieces and nephews again.
I don't think I expected too much, but boy was having my spine fucked outside of my expectations. And hey, I'm not 24 until the second half of July, maybe I'll be making money by then, literally anything would be nice.
I realize this may have come off as somewhat aggressive, and I don't mean it in that way.
To bring this more on topic.
I often have an issue where I write out scenes with explosive anger, then I wait an hour or so as I work through that, erase what I just wrote, and write it as something a little more level headed.
I choose to believe this is a path untaken by the main character, as an example of what could've happened if he didn't get his own anger under control.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 07:40:23 2023 No.21874498 >>21874491 Keep the angry text to mine it later for when you need authentic emotion in a passage

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 09:07:16 2023 No.21874628
File: 50 KB, 675x480, screen 1.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

I'm writing some practice stuff to try and brush up before I do longer stuff, I posted here before and got the feedback that I used too many pronouns (lots of "he said" "I did") So I tried to cut back on that, not sure if its still too much. I'm not really happy with the flow either but I think that might be one of those things that come with time. I'd really appreciate any help/critic, I'm also wondering if the descriptions are too much

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 09:08:17 2023 No.21874631 File: 48 KB, 669x402, screen 2.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>21874628

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 09:10:33 2023 No.21874633
File: 25 KB, 720x253, screen 3.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>21874631
Subject matter is silly, but I wasn't trying to write a serious thing. I was going to try to read and compare with an author I like and and do a rewrite tomorrow, also to implement suggestions for what to improve.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 09:11:20 2023 No.21874636 >>21874628 Decent. Overuse of "had". They'd gone could be they went, for example. Good thing to be conscious of.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 09:22:37 2023 No.21874648 https://resurface.substack.com/p/makeup-spills?utm_campaign=auto_share Here’s my short story. Any and all feedback is greatly appreciated <3 You can always zoom out by the way, since substack really squishes together the text.

>>	Alex Beyman Wed Apr 5 09:55:02 2023 No.21874677 Horror WIP, not sure where the plot should go, was focused on worldbuilding: https://write.as/ibl6cla2oa4zh.md

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 11:12:44 2023 No.21874806 >>21874251 Learn how to punctuate dialogue. God damn.

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 11:18:00 2023 No.21874816

>>21874806
Noor was sure at this point that God was playing tricks with him. He had woken up this morning determined to give that gray-eyed witch a piece of his mind and had somehow ended up having to pretend to be betrothed to her to avoid ending up in prison.

Ah well, God's will. Can't complain.

"So when exactly did you meet Noor and become so well acquainted with him?" asked Mary, her sky-blue eyes positively smoldering as she glared at an increasingly pompous Areia.

"I'm sure I don't understand what you mean. I have a certain partnership with this gentleman for certain matters of mutual self-interest, and the circumstances of that are for private," the self-proclaimed goddess said, as affronted as a duchess.

"And that 'partnership' is why you were sleeping in his bed?" Mary asked suspiciously.

"Since I am currently unhoused, yes," Areia replied with a disdainful raise of her eyebrow. "I am quite sure that you are too well-heeled a lady to be implying that I would be indulging in some disrespectable activities, so I won't openly accuse you of such. But please don't force me to do something so impolite and keep out of the affairs of others."

Mary blinked in shock. So did Noor. That Areia could say something that ridiculous with a completely straight face would be unbelievable if they hadn't seen it themselves.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 11:19:25 2023 No.21874819 >>21874484 The worst kind of /pol/tard, one who doesn't stay on his containment board.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 11:26:58 2023 No.21874827 >>21874819 My displaced Nigerian prince you best check (you)r levels of delusion. I haven't posted there in years.

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 11:47:33 2023 No.21874870

>>21874677
There's no story. It's just infodumping about the setting. If you want a weird world, that's fine, but don't explain it. The readers will be smart enough to piece things together themselves.

Having something totally unrealistic can be fine, as long as you don't explain it. That makes it come off as surreal horror. But as soon as you try to pass off something crazy with a scientific explanation, it shifts the genre toward sci fi. Readers will then be way more critical and rational. The idea that the sun disappears without the earth freezing is ridiculous, as is the idea people could genetically engineer plants fast enough to survive. It makes the whole thing stupid instead of dreamlike.

Also, Boomer parents? Eleven years in the future. Did they have a kid in their 60s?

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 12:35:39 2023 No.21874978 >>21874251 You seem underage. Keep this stuff private. Write more, and revise often.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 13:05:53 2023 No.21875033 What if I write something and have no talent?

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 13:08:42 2023 No.21875040 >>21875033 you'll become a YA romance best seller

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 13:43:49 2023 No.21875097 >>21875040 kek.

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 14:02:45 2023 No.21875164

>>21874434
Have you read Crime and Punishment? Pay attention to Raskolnikov when he is on his couch or out and about for no reason. He is absolutely depressed and disappointed that he will never be the powerful man he hoped to be. You can see it in his mannerisms.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 15:14:30 2023 No.21875354 >>21874978 Any actual criticism, or is it all just juvenile insults?

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 15:30:08 2023 No.21875407

>Waves bashed against the manacruiser as it sputtered along the coastal regions of Rhodophyta. Rachel's rear found itself constantly unseated from the boat jumping over the waves and landing with a thud. One hand gripped tightly around the nearby rails and the other tugged tightly on her hood. Sleets of saltwater splashed over the deck and droplets rained onto her face. Visible breaths escaping her mouth quickly dissipated into the chill. All around her there was nothing but the empty sea shifting directions as chaotic as phantoms haunting the door toward the afterlife, a crash, then a disappearance, both equally mesmerizing.

I'm not sure about the metaphor. Or if bouncing butts already indicated the open sea was chaotic already. Do I just delete it?

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 15:36:56 2023 No.21875426 >>21875407 Nah I like having woman ass in my descriptions as much as possible. Throw in a juicy right after Rachel's and you're golden.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 15:45:33 2023 No.21875453 >>21875407 I like it, only part I would change is >visible breath to something a bit more evocative >Her breaths spilled puffs of vapor that whirled away in the chill or some such

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 16:30:27 2023 No.21875580 If your first chap[ter takes place a year before the rest of the book should it be a prolog?

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 16:33:53 2023 No.21875588

When I have Lord Lucisatan rape Hiro Protagonist to exert his dominance, should he come in Hiro’s ass or pull out and jizz all over his back to mark him with his evil sponge? Which is more evil/humiliating?
Is there a better way to show your villain is villainous other than a gay rape scene?

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 17:04:54 2023 No.21875710 >>21875580 What even are the qualifications for a prologue.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 17:12:20 2023 No.21875742 hello /wg/. i have an offer for a creative writing MA from warwick and birmingham. which one is better? from what i've seen they're pretty much on par with each other. that said, birmingham has a long project module which is only optional in warwick.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 17:15:14 2023 No.21875748 >>21875742 Which school has hotter chicks?

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 17:16:24 2023 No.21875753

>>21874648
I enjoyed the themes, you didn’t fall into the usual cyberpunk garbage tropes. The intro’s kind of messy and it takes a sec to finally get going, so I can imagine it might turn some people off. Sometimes it’s very obvious that english is a second language to you.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 17:40:26 2023 No.21875846 >>21875748 on a more serious note, birmingham supposedly has the better nightlife. but i don't really care about all that.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 17:43:25 2023 No.21875866 >>21875846 It does. Because you want people to read your book. Talking with others having them make silly tik tok help.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 17:46:10 2023 No.21875878 >>21875846 >british >noightloife christ

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 17:53:13 2023 No.21875914 How do i make something consistently threatening to characters when they are repeatedly exposed to it over the course of a couple of chapters?

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 18:00:27 2023 No.21875950 >>21875914 like radiation or poison? those get more dangerous with more expose. please be more specific if you want specific advice

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 18:02:05 2023 No.21875952 >>21875914 Flashes of it or trauma. People are squishy and the cringey shit I did as a kid still haunt me.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 19:16:03 2023 No.21876247 >>21875914 What is it you want to accomplish? Do you need to have the characters scared of it for plot reasons? Do you want the reader to feel the danger? Or is it something else?

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 20:28:18 2023 No.21876526 >>21875742 Warwick is considered the better university overall, and to be frank it's a nicer area too. I can't speak to the quality of the creative writing schools though.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 21:04:48 2023 No.21876643 >>21874633 It's not bad, but sounds like you are ESL. You need to take care of the small things, figure out the proper grammer and proper formatting, but your pacing, description and dialogue are basically fine.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 21:07:10 2023 No.21876655 >>21874251 Your dialogue tags are excessive. Let the dialogue line speak for itself. No need to say things like "suspiciously" when it's obvious from what they are saying.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 21:45:10 2023 No.21876786 >>21875950 >>21876247 Characters are in imminent mortal danger from monsters and i'm trying to convey it without being to purple or verbose. >>21875952 You mean sparingly? Also yeah some of my earlier writing is scream inducing bad.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 21:55:13 2023 No.21876821 >>21868613 whyd you post it then?

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 21:58:26 2023 No.21876830

I'm writing this as a kind of fairy tale inspired by Persian mythology and the Arabian Nights, set in a fictionalized version of the ancient Tarim Basin (in modern-day Xinjiang in China). This is actually the second of a series of interlinked fairy tales but they're designed to stand on their own.

It's about a princess who is the captured war bride of a king called Badalzak. She vows to kill herself if she bears his child, and attempts to do so when she does actually get prengnant, but is stopped. When she does finally give birth to the hated child, she finds herself overwhelmed with love for him; but he is taken from her, and the princess is blinded, her hands lopped off, and turned out to roam the open desert for the crime of trying to murder the king's heir.

While she roams the desert, waiting to die, a wandering daeva, a spirit of the desert, is struck by her beauty and takes her to his mansion inside the mist of a waterfall. Inside the mansion, her vision and her hands are restored to her. She does not grow old, nor feel pain, and every pleasure and entertainment is provided to her by her. But she cannot smile, and her face is shadowed by sadness. Being a daeva, not a human, her daeva-lover doesn't understand. After some time (years in the human world) he asks why she cannot smile. She says that if she could see her child again, perhaps she would be happy, but she cannot remember his face, or his hair, or his scent, only his eyes and a birth mark shaped like a comet on his forehead. The daeva, with his magic, takes a clod of dirt and shapes a child for her out of it. For the first time since arriving in the mansion, the princess smiles.

You can imagine it doesn't end well.

Anyway, just wanted to post a short sample of this. I've only gotten the first little bit of this particular tale written out, but wanted to see if there was anything I could improve. The style is deliberately archaic.

https://litter.catbox.moe/vksgla.txt

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 22:03:22 2023 No.21876852 >>21876786 easy. make them get increasingly tired and hungry and thirsty and suffer more and more injuries as each encounter wears them down

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 22:06:53 2023 No.21876871 >>21876786 as the other anon says, also good use of casual activities like, is it safe to take a shit here? might be, was the last four times-ACK!

Anonymousn Wed Apr 5 22:11:01 2023 No.21876889

>>21874628
I would say, start at 'Getting here had been an ordeal' and cut everything preceding.

As soon as I read 'Hot rays from the midday sun snapped off the ...' I groaned internally. Something about that kind of irrelevant description feels very amateurish, like the writer's picturing a little movie in their head and trying to describe it to you. It just makes me think, 'I don't care. Let them snap all they want. I'm going elsewhere.'

Yet somehow a guy getting up early, and his feeling superior to the amateurs around him, and the sense of a little fractious world of tired, superior-feeling men is immediately intriguing. I'm definitely not against abstract, meandering writing, but even very abstract writers keep things grounded in human detail.

(Also, cut 'Tch' and 'Click, click, click'.)

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 22:42:17 2023 No.21877026

Rebecca’s high heels clicked on the linoleum floor in the restaurant lobby. iPhone in hand, Ronnie followed closely behind as the two were cheerfully greeted by a petite hostess. Ronnie took the lead.

“For 2, in the dining room please. Thanks.”

The hostess flicked through her seating binder, tensed her cheeks as to make her lips as thin as possible, gently tilted her head a few degrees to the right and through squinting eyes begged forgiveness on account of the only seats available, were not in the dining room, but in the bar.

“That’s fine, right?” Ronnie looked at Rebecca but didn’t wait for a response. “We’ll take it.”

The soundtrack in the lounge, expertly curated to suit the young professionals having now descended from their grey office buildings, and carefully censored to remove any language not approved by the corporate head office, was just quiet enough that conversation was possible, albeit with some effort and the occasional need to turn one's head perpendicular to their counterparts.

As the two took their seats at the bar, Ronnie tucked the blinking iPhone into the left breast pocket and began to converse.

“You know, market research suggests that music that is played just a few, that is to say 1 or 2 decibels too loud actually promotes consumption. You see, consumers have the tendency to drink more when they aren't as engaged in stimulating conversation. We had a lunch-and-learn about this very phenomenon, and others like it, given to us by a marketing expert. He was the Vice President of Marketing, from one of the top marketing firms in the city. The thesis of the presentation was about how to incorporate marketing theory into our consulting practice, to help increase our efficiency. Using marketing. It was just before you joined the office, maybe 3-4 months before. I don’t remember the exact magnitude of the increase, but I believe it had an impact of around 5% on top line sales. I made a connection with him on LinkedIn, I could get the powerpoint deck for you if you’d like.”

Rebecca nodded along politely.

“I’ll put a reminder to get the deck for you in my Google calendar.”

Ronnies’ calendar was programmed meticulously. The time to watch Netflix - one hour - a daily allowance Ronnie awarded to the daily agenda had been substituted for this outing. Socialization and the development of Emotional Intelligence, or EQ, as Ronnie called it, was considered in some leading business journals just as important as a technical skill set and for this reason Ronnie was happy to substitute the usual Netflix time-slot for something that could be considered more productive. Quantitatively, managers with strong EQ’s outperformed their counterparts by 13%. Ronnie had been sure to highlight this statistic while reading in bed in Q4 of last year.

First part of my short story, thoughts?

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 22:49:00 2023 No.21877062 >>21877026 Numbers less than 100 should be written out. Doubly so in quotes. It looks extremely retarded. "For 2". Really? Do you even read?

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 22:54:11 2023 No.21877082

>>21877026
A few things:
1) Write out numbers, it's just the done thing in writing
2)
>tensed her cheeks as to make her lips as thin as possible
I believe you mean "so as to" here
3) Is it really necessary to brand the phone? It can come off as tacky, but I understand you're trying to lay on the image of a chic young professional. Your choice, really.
4) It's clear that you're going for a sort of updated American Psycho look at modern yuppies, but your technobabble paragraphs aren't fun to read. Yes, I realise that's the point, but I hope you can see the issue here. To be honest I don't have any solution, really. Maybe refer to similar works and see how they made them interesting.

Other than that, nice. I like your prose.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 22:57:47 2023 No.21877094 >>21874251 >fantasy gay Noor is a female arab name btw. Your excerpt is too small to say anything other than fix your formatting.

Anonymousn Wed Apr 5 22:58:11 2023 No.21877096

>>21877026
If there's nothing to this story beyond 'young marketing executives are vapid and dislikable' then I I wouldn't be interested in reading it. I already know that fact and I know the cliches of that world.

Also I don't get why everything's described in this moment-to-moment level of sense-perception detail. Maybe you just read too much 'show don't tell' advice and not enough literature?

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 23:00:24 2023 No.21877114 File: 55 KB, 542x616, 1458937896330.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] since we're on the subject of writing numbers, it's okay to type actual numbers when writing machinery\mech\weapon names right?

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 23:02:47 2023 No.21877124 >>21877114 If you're asking if AK-47 should be AK-FORTY-SEVEN then you're even more retarded than the previous poster.

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 23:06:11 2023 No.21877135 File: 60 KB, 1000x800, 1612258810606.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>21877124 gotcha

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 23:07:12 2023 No.21877140

>>21877026
>The soundtrack in the lounge, expertly curated to suit the young professionals having now descended from their grey office buildings, and carefully censored to remove any language not approved by the corporate head office, was just quiet enough that conversation was possible, albeit with some effort and the occasional need to turn one's head perpendicular to their counterparts.
this sentence. goodness. I like what you're trying to say but some of the verbs and articles are off.
The soundtrack in the lounge, expertly curated to suit the tastes of young professionals - and tastefully censored in order to assuage their neuroses - was just intrusive enough to permit conversation while also facilitating misunderstandings on every third or fourth word.

Anonymous Wed Apr 5 23:08:06 2023 No.21877143

>>21877096

yea thats kind of it, but I wanted to paint Ronnie as more of a tragic figure who has an incredibly empty life. I try to do that in the rest of the story.

>>21877082
>your technobabble paragraphs aren't fun to read

Yea I dont know how, they were supposed to be excessive. I thought theyd be more entertaining for people who arent working white color jobs, but most people who read probably are.

I read Captain Pantoja and the Special Service and Vargas Llosa nails when he describes the pimping service in the form of a militray memo. I wanted to steal that a bit. Maybe that technobabble style only works if youre explaining something ridiculous, if not it jsut reminds people of work.

and yes, numbers

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 23:09:41 2023 No.21877149 >>21877140 >facilitating misunderstanding on every third or fourth word lol i like that

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 23:40:22 2023 No.21877281 >>21877140 Using neuroses colloquially leaves a bad taste in my mouth

>>	Anonymous Wed Apr 5 23:53:28 2023 No.21877323 >>21877281 I can see that. it may also be a little too on the nose. maybe expertly curated to suit the tastes of young professionals - and tastefully censored to appease the grey suited curators

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 00:18:29 2023 No.21877446 >>21877026 >tensed her cheeks >tilted her head >squinting eye >to turn one's head >nodded along Too much of this shit turns it into pantomime. You don't need every gesture and tic.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 00:21:39 2023 No.21877455 >>21877323 you're getting closer: professionally curated to suit the taste of young suit wearing professionals - and tastefully censored to suit the young professional expert curators' tastes

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 00:23:54 2023 No.21877470

>>21877140
>The soundtrack in the lounge, expertly curated to suit the tastes of young professionals - and tastefully censored in order to assuage their neuroses - was just intrusive enough to permit conversation while also facilitating misunderstandings on every third or fourth word.
The soundtrack in the lounge--expertly curated to suit the tastes of young professionals and tastefully censored in order to assuage their neuroses--was just intrusive enough to permit conversation while also facilitating misunderstandings on every third or fourth word.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 00:49:12 2023 No.21877587 Anyone know how to put a Scrivener work into AO3?

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 00:56:33 2023 No.21877618 File: 3 KB, 188x120, file.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] How do I get from 2 to 4...

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 01:00:13 2023 No.21877644 >>21877618 put gamer moment before cucked again

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 01:32:11 2023 No.21877787 >>21873747 Aerodyne is an actual company. Hope you don't get sued.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 01:35:05 2023 No.21877797 >>21875033 Welcome home.

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 01:38:31 2023 No.21877808

>>21877587
What do you mean? Posting a full scriv project to Ao3 all at once?

Dunno if there's a way to do that. Even if there was, you shouldn't. As an author without an active fanbase, the only way to get traffic is through "recently posted" and "recently updated". If you have a large backlog, you want to post chapters once every day/few days, as to maximize views.

If you mean how to move text from scriv to ao3 without losing formatting (italics, bold), copy and paste from scriv to word, then word to ao3 (rich text setting, not html).

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 01:39:57 2023 No.21877812 >>21877787 >getting sued over your fictional company in your fiction book I don't think so

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 01:43:17 2023 No.21877818 File: 268 KB, 622x745, snip snap.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] Tell me if I have any hope. It's about a person who finds out they have a large family and goes around the world visiting each to find their father.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 01:46:03 2023 No.21877824 >>21877812 If you use a trademarked name, and the company decides to raise a stink about it, you're in deep crud.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 02:06:10 2023 No.21877885 >>21877824 oh fucking please

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 02:08:06 2023 No.21877892

I find myself lurching on my projects. I suppose I should spend this weekend trying to find a cyberpunk-esque cover artist worth a damn so I can move forward on finishing and releasing this novel. Of all my projects, copy editing that is the quickest to finish.

>Just wrapped up a short story for a contest due this month, sent it to my workshop group for feedback
>I've got 20k words to add to this isekai manuscript
>>Also have to interest some more beta readers for it
>Need to get 1 alpha reader for my zombie novella
>I've got 2 months backlog for my RR webnovel but two months will pass before I know it
>At some point need to start a fresh manuscript
>Not to mention I need to shill my books constantly

I think this is too many possible projects at once right now. I should put off the new manuscript for a couple months.

I also need to think of a new title for the aforementioned cyberpunk. The working title was Dateless because the story kicks off over a guy's gf cheating on him, but he's actually the exact opposite of an incel and just has idiotic taste in women, so that's a bad title. I could do "Mindbreaker" as a title but that doesn't really convey that the story is a drawn out chase. "Wall Runner" would make sense but reeks of trad pub bad marketing.

Any constructive opinions on the matter would be appreciated.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 02:09:18 2023 No.21877897 >>21877885 Well, he's not entirely wrong, but it requires the novel becoming big enough to matter, which has happened 0 times in /wg/ history so ... yeah, anyone can do whatever they want.

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 02:10:06 2023 No.21877898

>>21877885
Fine, whatever. You have been warned.
And since you're such a petty, mean-spirited sort, I'm not going to read the "Look Inside" portion of your book.
We're all drowning in content, and I'm not going to waste my precious time on some asshole.
You have a lot to learn about interacting with the public.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 02:11:26 2023 No.21877903 >>21877898 nta but cringe

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 02:14:11 2023 No.21877913 >>21877824 How did BE Ellis survive writing that Patrick Bateman found a bone in a Luna bar? Or all the other trademarked things besides content that warranted death threats from people?

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 02:23:07 2023 No.21877937 >>21877892 Cuckoo punk.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 02:29:40 2023 No.21877955 >>21877892 >cyberpunk-esque cover Why not use Stable Diffusion?

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 02:38:53 2023 No.21877981 >>21877898 your an idiot

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 02:41:51 2023 No.21877985 >>21877981 You're*

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 02:45:51 2023 No.21878001

going insane
thats the post that s it
cant get pubslished no onlyfans no twitter with butts no simps
should do andrew weir and just ragepost the whole thing

IF I AM NOT PUBLISHED BY 2026 I AM RAGEPOSTING THE MS FOR FREE
FUCKIGN FREE
ONLINE
set out a tip jar and wait
done with this shit fuck agents

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 02:46:00 2023 No.21878002 File: 575 KB, 512x768, 00003-1540756311-cyberpunk parkour, noir.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>21877955 Here's a potential cover for your novel, courtesy of Stable Diffusion.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 02:47:02 2023 No.21878003 File: 581 KB, 512x768, 00004-1956696744-cyberpunk parkour, noir.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>21878002 And another.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 02:48:41 2023 No.21878009 >>21874434 >have extensive and vivid experience in this >not giving my material away i suffered for that material fuck you dude, go get your own depressive episode

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 02:49:43 2023 No.21878012

>>21878001
>andrew weir
It certainly worked out for him, didn't it?
Anyway, you can always post it for free online.
Depending on the content, places like RoyalRoad, ScribbleHub, and WattPad might be appropriate.
Some people pair that with a Patreon account, to try to get paid.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 02:51:04 2023 No.21878021 >>21877981 >>21877985 illiterate opinion discarded

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 02:53:57 2023 No.21878028 >>21874434 Just read >>>/lit/wwoym/ ... most of it is depressive whining.

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 03:00:11 2023 No.21878044

>>21878012
but my fucking thing is, what the fuck good are agents? agents turned weir away by the dozen. he went on to be a best seller even without their platform and management. if agents can't discern good novels from bad, why the fuck are they in the industry? where is the accountability for their choices? if they suck at their job they ought to be fired. but there is no mechanism to fire these weasels.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 03:06:35 2023 No.21878064 When should I stop writing FanFic and try and try to start my own shit, I'm worried about the universe I was writing in seeping into my own works.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 03:07:07 2023 No.21878068 >>21878044 Don't worry about firing them...simply make them irrelevant by working outside of their system.

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 03:11:13 2023 No.21878077

>>21878064
I'm going to give you some advice.
So long as you are not wholesale plagiarizing the other story, it is fine.
Every work has been built, consciously or not, on other works. Comparison will happen, but the same concepts can be written in different ways, or even in a similar way, and not be a shameless ripoff.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 03:17:24 2023 No.21878091 The Dresden files books use real company names it I don’t think just mentioning a company can get you in trouble.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 03:18:14 2023 No.21878093 Is there a better way to write thisline for my screenplay. The context is the ehero detective is walking out of his office after being suspended: Keep it up fucker and you'll be serving espressos at starbucks soon enough.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 03:40:08 2023 No.21878157 >>21878093 how about shoveling shit down at sanitation

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 04:01:31 2023 No.21878201 How do I know when to abandon an idea?

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 05:24:21 2023 No.21878407 Is there anything digital I can use just for writing? Like a big calculator type tablet I know it sounds weird, but writing physically takes forever, and writing on a pc or phone is too distracting.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 05:32:39 2023 No.21878424 >>21878091 As long as it's not Disney. Never make the mouse angry.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 05:33:26 2023 No.21878425 >>21876830 this is really good. don't know what you're doing in these threads.

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 06:30:59 2023 No.21878506 [DELETED]

>>21876830
This is genuinely pretty nice. And the influence of a thousand and one nights comes off strongly. I loved that book when I was a kid.
I don't appreciate how it reminds me of the fact that I was much smarter as a kid. I wouldn't have had a problem with this prose when I was younger. Now I just stop for a moment every time I find non-conventional (for me) grammar within prose. I really should read the KJV.
But aside from that personal problem, it's very nice and it imitates the style of old tales nicely.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 06:39:53 2023 No.21878522 >>21876830 It's very nice. The influence of the 1001 nights comes off strongly and I enjoyed the prose. It also has the right tone to be a fairy tale or an old folklore story. Nice.

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 08:15:21 2023 No.21878704

Thinking about writing an autistic character but avoid directly mentioning it and just have the reader go, "huh, maybe she's autistic"

I don't want to poorly portray an autistic person and piss people off, so I want to give myself that out. "She's not autistic, she's just antisocial and kind of dumb with talking to people but she's really smart when it comes to anything that doesn't have any abstractions to it."

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 10:40:29 2023 No.21878908

>>21878002
>>21878003
I am considering working with an illustrator who offloads most of the work to SD, but it's currently very obvious when it comes to humans. It still gets anatomy wrong.

Also, there's a lot of discrimination against AI art at the moment.

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 13:05:23 2023 No.21879266

>>21878044
There's no reason for agents to exist in the twenty first century. There's no reason for publishing houses to exist. It's an archaic industry running on inertia.

Eventually the whole thing will disintegrate into a few companies that print the books and a few companies that handle advertising and promotions. Authors will self publish ebooks at first, and if the titles are successful, they'll move on to contracting those companies to print and distribute the hard copy. The market will decide. Agents won't factor into it all.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 13:13:54 2023 No.21879301 >>21878908 Ask /sdg/ on /g/. They might do recs. Some of those guys are pretty good.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 13:16:38 2023 No.21879312 I feel that if I start the story with mortals being made to fight in a proxy conflict for gods, that's basically what the entire story will be about. No matter what elements I add later, the plot will be irreversibly hijacked.

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 13:40:18 2023 No.21879387
File: 1 KB, 158x156, 1669190348477646.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>Have a chapter containing a small mystery that needs to be solved
>Evidence is all there and set
>Write like 7 pages worth (I know that isn't a unit of measurement, fuck you)
>Get this far and find out I'm unsure how to resolve the mystery
>Like none of the evidence really amounts to anything or can amount to anything
>Characters are about to watch a video as part of the clues
>If crucial evidence that I don't know isn't presented during this stage, everything is fucked unless I deus ex the whole fucking mystery
Jesus I really wrote myself into a corner, huh?

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 13:58:13 2023 No.21879420

>>21879312
>"Never bring Time Travel, the Cthulhu Mythos, or Giant Robots into an established setting, because if you do, all it will ever really BE about from then on is Time Travel, or the Cthulhu Mythos, or Giant Robots. Or Giant Robots traveling through time to fight the Cthulhu Mythos."

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 14:16:43 2023 No.21879459 >>21879387 Happened to me too. I resolved it in the stupidest way possible and just more or less ignored it. Let the reader figure it out while the MC remained oblivious and an idiot

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 14:51:57 2023 No.21879562

>>21879387
>>21879459
You gotta start with the trick for solving the mystery and then work backward from there. Like I had an idea of illegal contraband being photographed while sitting on a wooden table. The characters realize the natural wood grain is basically like a fingerprint. Then they just have to find the table, compare it to the photo, and confirm they're the same. That was the starting point. I had to construct the crime and mystery and resolution around it.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 15:29:13 2023 No.21879671 File: 45 KB, 500x381, s-l500.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>21878407 like an electronic word processor ex. the AlphaSmart? I haven't ever used one, but I think they are neat.

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 15:40:22 2023 No.21879707

>>21876830
I have an idea for the sequel. The main character is the son of Badalzak. Troubled by war and inquisitive about his past, he wants to find his mother. After a few failed attempts in his search, getting scammed, mugged and even losing track of Kingdom, reduced to the status of a slave. Eventually, after the hardship of reclaiming his freedom, he finds his mother. He doesn't know who she is, she doesn't know who he is, and she has not aged at all thanks to the daeva. After spending time together, the prince is infatuated. And eventually, they have sex.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 15:43:49 2023 No.21879717 Hello, would love feedback on my latest post about the Renaissance. Thanks! https://docs.google.com/document/d/1V_pevJ9RwoDZFV9fiXz7WSO_UEXgRtcYNPNf3jrlXrk/edit?usp=sharing

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 17:14:16 2023 No.21880041 Is it >You're hot, girl; the world just needs to see it. or >You're hot, girl: the world just needs to see it. or should I not be fancy and just write >You're hot, girl. The world just needs to see it.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 17:17:23 2023 No.21880055 >>21880041 just use a period or an em dash

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 17:20:19 2023 No.21880070 >>21880041 Semicolon, em dash, or period. The connection between the two clauses isn't strong enough to justify a colon, nor does the sentence meet any of the other reasons why one might use a colon.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 17:22:15 2023 No.21880079 File: 219 KB, 1024x1104, 162922789.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] >>21880070 >>21880055 thx frens

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 17:22:43 2023 No.21880083 I will name the antagonist of my novel Henry Edward Pankinson Hank E. Pank

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 17:24:47 2023 No.21880092 >>21880055 >>21880070 >em dash boomerspeak aside would you really use just one dash? It is a parenthesis and you wouldn't use just a ( without closing it.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 17:28:33 2023 No.21880101 >>21880092 yeah, the em dash is more like a comma than a parathesis.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 17:37:44 2023 No.21880129 >>21880101 >>21880092 I'm def not using any em dashes, I'm writing a screenplay and that shit is cliché as fuck in them

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 17:40:03 2023 No.21880136 >>21880129 >I will not use this commonly used device because I am a special snowflake good luck with that

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 17:40:44 2023 No.21880139 >>21880129 You're writing a screenplay and having a character say "You're hot girl, the world just needs to see it," there is nothing you can do to make it more cliché or cringe so just roll with it

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 17:41:05 2023 No.21880140 >>21880129 It's just punctuation. Use it for effect and clarity.

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 18:06:00 2023 No.21880228
File: 5 KB, 384x193, Untitled.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

I wrote this unironically

>>21880136
You have no idea how cliché I'm talking

>>21880139
That's a good point, I guess cliché sells better too

>>21880140
Clarity shmlarity, I wanna be a special snowflake

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 18:07:40 2023 No.21880236

>>21876852
>>21876871
Forgot to say thanks for advice, still digesting it desu. I think i may have shot myself in the foot with the setting. Characters are superhuman and cognitively enhanced + dont need to poop.

Already used 'in spite of x', 'despite y' and 'even though' a couple of times, plus a bunch of other negative adjectives. I'm not yet at the point where i have to pull a 'stop invincible son' and break my plot, but I think i may have to go full purple prose to drag the reader along.

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 18:30:02 2023 No.21880316

Tempted to write a story on Royal Road that appeals to the userbase there. Might be fun to churn out a story and not worry if its going to be my magnum opus. Basically put my writing abilities to use as a service than writing my own deeply personal story. Dunno, might have to have a think about what kind of story people desperately want to read more of. Not smut though, even I'm not that pathetic.

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 19:00:31 2023 No.21880437

>>21879671
I wrote my first short story on that thing. I had several I did in gradeschool but destroyed all the writing it was that cringe.
>Lovecraft pastiche gone wrong because it involved a clumsy "truth to power" that made no sense
>haunted hotel with ghosts inspired by bullshit I saw on rotten dot com
>another story about a day laborer who has a mental breakdown near a fairy circle over some kind of weird romantic complex
>a hero quest inspired by Deltora and shonen with 7 elemental wizards and basically Cloud Strife with green hair
>a grimdark shonen of tournament series inspired by Chinese Zodiac
And MUCH more cringe.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 19:13:18 2023 No.21880471 >>21880437 It's best to never delete your older works, even when they are cringe worthy. It's nice to go back and see how much you improved and your child self's works may end up having some cool element that you can recycle for your current work.

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 19:24:50 2023 No.21880500

>>21880316
Smut isn't a top performer on RoyalRoad. It's LitRPG and cultivation. Obviously other stuff crops up but quality becomes more important.

Anyway, not sure why erotica gets so much hate compared to other low effort genre fic. It's all bottom of the barrel. Thinking about writing number go up RR shit and saying "at least it's not erotica" is pretty pathetic. I don't even have anything against genre fic writers (necessarily) but the inconsistency makes me roll my eyes.

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 19:27:43 2023 No.21880508

>>21879562
It also works when there is a mastermind behind the mystery. First you come up with the big reveal, them you work your way backwards. The mastermind's actions will conveniently lead to the clues being left where they are, taking advantage of the fact that we never see how he accomplished those feats in the first place. You just need to worry about making sure that what he did is coherent with his motivation and to not accidentally give him an unbelievable amount of foresight.

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 19:33:32 2023 No.21880521
File: 57 KB, 640x800, 1663470276293454.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

I have a PhD in literature. I've only ever written research articles and my monograph. I've decided to try my hand at writing an actual book. I've bought:
>The Elements of Style
>On Writing
>Zen in the Art of Writing
>Plot and Structure
>Steering the Craft

How likely is it that I can study these books and produce an adequate book in about a year? I'd like to think that I am reasonably intelligent, but I don't feel like a particularly creative person. When I read books in the New Weird genre, for example, I'm blown away by the incredible ideas they come up with and I'd love to do something similar. I am mostly impressed with books that are idea-driven and that's something I'd like to explore.

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 19:38:22 2023 No.21880543

>>21880471
I actuall remember enough of the hero quest that I worked into a really sick spiritual fantasy with a belief/character development based magic system that was a fusion of four classic elements and biblical context of them. Simply put water was childlike faith, fire was zeal, earth was godless practicality and wind was devilworship. But I had decided I enjoyed writing litfic so much that project might be tabled forever. I was pleasantly surprised Elden Ring had a cool quasi-faith based system as the Grace vs Fingers (works) is actually a massive theological can of worms. Being able to come up with some cool symbolism that is spiritually engaging I think is really cool, cooler than elements just being different damage types.

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 19:45:11 2023 No.21880577

It’s a headline to bounce around empty skulls and pour buckets of subzero liquid on people’s dry tongues. Just like for any other sour candy, they had to put a kiddy spin on the same old slop for people to suck on it. Something to all-inclusive lap dance the unspoken need of the masses. A current thing. For too long they had gone without a circus to their bread.

<: MY DAUGHTER ASKED ME ABOUT THE SUEZ NUKEOUT – AND I COULDN’T BE HAPPIER.

<: In the age of dirty bombs, the capitalist is shitting his pants!!!

<: WHODUNIT? – Mother Gaia doesn’t care!

A current thing was just around the corner, and the popcorn-for-brains producing newspapers were already about to blow their own load all over – before even asking who was behind it all. But Memphis knows. He knows exactly who is going to do it, because he’s the one who decides. Well, technically it was the script that they had given him that decided. Or maybe it was the writing hands that called the nuclear spiked shots - punching on the big red button. Even he's unsure about the realiti on this one. Any hand can push buttons, slap detonators. But they all lacked the finesse required to twist incidents, split seas of people and turn tides of spit in heated online arguments. Nowadays, that was a greater weapon of maximized mental discord than any explosion of poison.
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Thoughts? Pointers?

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 19:49:52 2023 No.21880597 >>21879671 well preferably something a bit more modern that I could upload to my pc or into a cloud

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 20:12:49 2023 No.21880700 >>21880521 reading all those books is a colossal waste of time. skim a couple, at best. stop procrastinating you fool

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 21:00:24 2023 No.21880882 I wrote a fantasy book. Can I post it on here?

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 21:01:22 2023 No.21880884 >>21880882 Yes, I'll read some pages

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 21:17:43 2023 No.21880986

My dad gave me advice and told me to do what Dostoyevsky did.
>Don't use your good characters to preach your own message, and don't make evil characters into easy to attack strawmen
>Instead write everyone in a serious and belivable way, let them dictate what they say and do, and let the reader make the final verdict
Is this good advice or nah?

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 21:20:07 2023 No.21880995 >>21880986 seething_nabokov.txt

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 21:23:09 2023 No.21881009 >>21880521 You want to have your own voice, you don't want to end up reading the same as everyone else who tries to paint by the numbers so to speak. I don't think they are going to hurt, but don't feel the need to follow them exactly.

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 21:33:14 2023 No.21881043

>>21880521
Reading books on craft is where I made my mistake. I became more obsessed with process than product. You're better off re-reading your favorite books and trying to figure out a) what about it you actually liked and b) how the author created those effects through the text. Then you can try to write something in a similar vein, maybe focusing on one or two specific things at a time. Short stories are good for this since you can iterate quickly.

Ideation specifically is usually just a combination of some disimilar ideas.
You can do this for practically any literary element. e.g setting: desert island and school. Plot: a serial killer murder mystery and a comedy of manners. Tone: medieval and hard-boiled. An easy one to start is take two cliched character archetypes and create a unique relationship between them. e.g nerd and school bully but the relationship is father and son, or criminal and cop, or brother and sister etc. Generally you would start with one such idea and develop it by asking questions about it. Answers, even mundane ones, will suggest new, more specific questions.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 21:37:50 2023 No.21881058 >>21881043 Surprisingly insightful post, thanks anon!

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 22:18:02 2023 No.21881228 >>21880521 I really liked the art of fiction by john gardner, I reread it every now and then. It's very much about the art aspect and not the technique (though there is a chapter on common mistakes). Even the first few pages were really helpful

Anonymous Thu Apr 6 22:41:54 2023 No.21881290
File: 225 KB, 1200x627, 14508.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

>>21879707
An interesting idea anon, but I have bad news for you. Badalzak, his son, and the city of Badalbasar are destroyed in the story preceding this one by an ancient witch and an immortal prince (made immortal by his mother in order to take revenge on Badalzak) who was enslaved by Unush. But that's another tale.

The clod-of-dirt child grows up in the mansion and is raised by Iltanu (the princess) and Arshaka (the daeva), but the ghost of Badaldun (the real child) resides in the child's mirror, drawn to him from beyond the pale of death, and whispers to him about his destiny and who he really is. Eventually, dirt-boy confronts Iltanu and Arshaka, calling them and himself false and beginning to uproot the flowers from the garden. For the first time since the birth of the dirt-child, Iltanu begins to weep. Arshaka, being a daeva, not a human, not understanding, but loving Iltanu in his way, is enraged, and returns the child to what he really is - a clod of dirt, as punishment.

This devastates Iltanu, and she tries to kill herself. But the knives turn to flowers, the poison to sweet wine, and when she jumps from the heights she sprouts feathers and flies. Arshaka tells her that he will cast a spell upon her that will make her forget her life in the human world. The spell works, but no matter what, she cannot forget her son and her love for him. Finally she asks Arshaka to leave the mansion. Arshaka warns her that she will be blind again, and she will have no hands. She will grow old and die. Iltanu says that she still wishes to return to earth, and so Arshaka, loving her in his way, takes her back.

A hundred years have passed. Badalbasar is a forgotten ruin on the edge of the desert. Everyone Iltanu every knew is dead and gone. She is blind, and her arms end in knotted stumps. But she remains in the ruins of Badalbasar, dragging stones, building a cairn to her lost child, her lost life. Arshaka, loving her, conjures food and water for her, but never reveals himself, taking on the form of a kindly shepherd who makes sure to look out for her when he grazes his flock nearby. Finally, after seventy years of dragging stones with her scraped and calloused stumps, her cairn is complete, and Iltanu dies. The daeva Arshaka, returning to his mansion of pleasure and forgetting, never smiles again.

>>	Anonymous Thu Apr 6 23:19:36 2023 No.21881390 >>21881290 Seems like pointless tragedy to be honest. A trick story without much substance.

Anonymous Fri Apr 7 00:06:08 2023 No.21881537

>>21881390
I could see that argument for sure, of course it's all about the delivery and I'm hoping that that will drive home the point of the story which is that love is a spell, it has no reason and obeys no logic, it is above us. It's why a mother who saw her child's face just one time can love him for more than a hundred years and a daeva who has never known sadness or pain can love a blind, suffering woman. There's also a conceit (conveyed through some exchanges/imagery) that love is a prison to be escaped. As Iltanu lays dying she's smiling - she's achieved a kind of freedom. At the same time, Arshaka, an immortal spirit, is doomed to eternal love.

I get that it is a pessmistic/tragic kind of story though and I get the idea that it might not seem to have substance. I haven't finished writing it though so perhaps it will grow in the telling, and I'll keep your commentary in mind. I appreciate you for engaging with it at all.

>>	Anonymous Fri Apr 7 00:15:24 2023 No.21881554 >>21881537 I really enjoy the style desu, I think that other anon is just getting sadistic enjoyment from tearing down a more skilled stranger

>>	Anonymous Fri Apr 7 00:43:14 2023 No.21881644 File: 115 KB, 750x608, 5652F441-2375-4809-9D17-455EF3275833.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]

Anonymous Fri Apr 7 00:48:58 2023 No.21881665

>>21881537
I thought the style was quite suitable, so don't take what I said to be completely condemnatory. If you can adequately incorporate the elements you posted, then it will be a great story. I, personally, still won't like it because I disagree with its proposed philosophy, but I wouldn't deny that it's a great story (I feel this way about many of Chekov's stories for example).

If we go by the Aristotelian model, a tragedy is only pointless if there's no catharsis, and catharsis requires hamartia, peripetia and anagnorisis (usually all coming together at the same moment). I see now that, in fact, this story has all those elements coming together at the very end (even without your addendum) and that I was mistaken in calling it pointless. If you can sufficiently render that moment incorporating all the irony and contrast between Badalzak's love, Arshaka's love and Iltanu's love, then it will be a very special story indeed.

Aristotle also encouraged a pedagogical component to tragedies (and the 1001 Nights has this as well), but obviously this story has a more modern sensibility (it could even become postmodern--and that might be an interesting angle in itself, if e.g it's framed as lost stories from the 1001 Nights (with corresponding metacommentary and annotation)). Compare this with Skinny Gotami and the Mustard Seed from the Pali Canon.

>>	Anonymous Fri Apr 7 00:54:49 2023 No.21881681 >>21880882 RoyalRoad might eat that up. >>21881644 Was ChatGPT trained on this? I mean, that would explain a lot...

>>	Anonymous Fri Apr 7 00:56:16 2023 No.21881688 File: 95 KB, 703x962, Capture.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google] Abandonded this story last year but I'd like some input on the prose. So sleepy... gonna take a nap. I'll respond in a while.

>>	Anonymous Fri Apr 7 01:01:43 2023 No.21881706 I wrote a YA adventure romance because that's what I like to read and write. I'm too scared to try and get it published but I'm glad I did it.

>>	Anonymous Fri Apr 7 01:04:54 2023 No.21881716 >>21881706 Are you kidding? That probably has major commercial possibilities! Go for it!

>>	Anonymous Fri Apr 7 01:05:13 2023 No.21881720 >>21881706 good for you now write something else

>>	Anonymous Fri Apr 7 01:17:53 2023 No.21881779 >>21881688 your first line would sound much better without the word moist

>>	Anonymous Fri Apr 7 01:41:05 2023 No.21881827 >>21877818 Hey anos, its bad as hell. You should read more.

>>	Anonymous Fri Apr 7 03:27:29 2023 No.21882140 >>21880986 Depends on what kind of story you are writing. Morally grey characters who compete over their own personal ideologies is one thing, but the classic clash between good and evil can also be appealing.

Anonymous Fri Apr 7 04:00:05 2023 No.21882253

>>21880986
>and don't make evil characters into easy to attack strawmen
this is goddamn golden advice, I fucking hate it HATE IT when a character is a strawman for everything the author dislikes, even if I don't like those things myself it just takes me right out of the story

Anonymous Fri Apr 7 04:04:59 2023 No.21882264

>>21877818
>Tell me if I have any hope
You can always improve, so saying you have no hope would be incorrect. However...this is definitely not good. You would drastically benefit from reading a lot more while paying attention to what certain writers are doing and why they may have made the decisions that they did. It doesn't even have to be a well-written classic novel. Pick up a popular fantasy novel and try to figure out what about it makes the reader want to keep turning pages. You severely lack an understanding of what makes writing interesting and enjoyable to read. Reading your excerpt made me feel like I was just having a bunch of trivial information listed off to me. I didn't get a sense of any interesting characterization or an enthralling narrative. There's nothing there to convince me to turn to the next page

Anonymous Fri Apr 7 04:17:09 2023 No.21882288

>>21881688
>that is, of course, expected of an island where it never rains
Extremely weak. You can find a more interesting and less matter-of-fact way to tell the reader this information
>just fine, for, even through
You don't need the comma after 'for'. This sentence would also be stronger overall if you changed the order: A calm life suits these folks just fine; for an endless summer presides even through suns and passing moons
>crops are not grown, for / everyone is friendly, for
You repeat this phrasing way too many times.
>life is assured...for a time
I'd avoid using an ellipsis when you could make a dash work perfectly fine.

That's all that I have time for right now. Overall it's not that bad. I think you have some bad habits with overly relying on certain phrasings and sentence structures, but that can be easily cleaned up as you become more conscious of it

Anonymous Fri Apr 7 04:33:21 2023 No.21882341

Can't sleep.... I'll try again later.
>>21881779
It's because of the slang term, isn't it?
>>21882288
Thanks for the feedback. Your specificity is appreciated. Around the time I wrote this, "for" was at the 'forefront' of my mind for some reason. hehehe. I should employ word play into my stories more often. Anyway, yeah, looking through more recent work I don't see myself making that same mistake, but it's good to note for future reference. I suppose I still do have habits I should quit, so I'll poke around for those tomorrow.

Good night.

>>	Anonymous Fri Apr 7 05:52:44 2023 No.21882517 >>21869118 I think "the candy section" is better than "a candy section" for readability/clarity

Anonymous Fri Apr 7 09:45:07 2023 No.21883010

Maori Fantasy. Prologue

From upon the ancestral mountain, beneath the ominous skies, the world of the living breathed with the whispers of ancient spirits. Shadows stretched, intertwined with the essence of the sacred land, as if Marunui itself were a canvas, capturing the primal darkness that precedes creation. The embers of a setting sun retreated behind the mist-shrouded peaks, igniting the horizon with the fury of the gods, their wrath a lingering echo in the dimming light.
Amidst the ferns and the karaka trees, the tohunga stood, his tattoos a living testament to the legends that flowed through his veins. Clad in a flax cloak woven with the stories of ancient battles, he seemed to embody the dreams and fears of a bygone era, his eyes burning with the knowledge of both the seen and the unseen. The wind whispered his name, Hotukura, The Red Sorrow his prophecy forged in the stars and bound to the earth.
He gazed upon the vast ocean, its waves reflecting the eternal darkness that beckoned from the depths. The whispers grew louder in his mind, a chorus of forgotten voices crying out for vengeance, for retribution. The ocean's relentless surge whispered to Hotukura the secrets hidden within its abyss, ancient truths long buried under the weight of time.
As the final light of day bled into twilight, Hotukura found himself surrounded by a procession of wretched warriors, their faces etched with the anguish of a thousand sunsets. Their eyes, black as the void between stars, shimmered with the tears of lost souls, and their corrupted haka thundered a relentless beat that echoed across the sacred land. Their voices, once the song of the earth itself, now tainted by the sorrow of half-death, surged through Hotukura's very being. The tohunga beheld these fallen spirits, their once-proud lineage now a harrowing testament to the eternal struggle between the living and the dead.
The wind carried the scent of impending doom, and the earth trembled beneath their feet, as though fearing the awakening of primordial forces. Hotukura lifted his hands toward the heavens, beseeching the gods for guidance, but the silent cries of the lost drowned his supplications in the vast expanse of the cosmic void.
With a sigh as heavy as the ocean's depths, Hotukura turned his gaze to the gathering darkness, to the first glimmers of distant stars. He knew the time had come, the hour of reckoning when the living world would stand at the precipice, its fate uncertain in the face of the coming doom.
And so, beneath the shroud of twilight, Hotukura ran, driven by the weight of ancestral wisdom and the promise of redemption. As he followed the path down the mountain, a single question haunted his every step: could the living world be saved from the encroaching darkness, or was it already lost to the taint of undeath?

Anonymous Fri Apr 7 11:09:25 2023 No.21883170

>>21883010
Lots of ancient, ancestoral and lineage and history and primordial stuff here. It sometimes get very bland when reading this style of describing a culture, even if I get which tribal itch you want to scratch with that. I'm not super familiar with Maori culture (beyond Bionicles) but I'd say the islander-style of reverance for the past can be a lot more subtle.

>>	Anonymous Fri Apr 7 12:47:37 2023 No.21883366 The bread is moldy The bread is old The baker is away

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