/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.20211341]

is this good dialogue?

[Anonymous No.20211344]

Yes, better than anything /lit/ could ever come up with.

[Anonymous No.20211345]

>>20211341
There's maybe a bit too many "x said" parts, but the rest seems okay.

[Anonymous No.20211352]

>>20211345

agreed about the "x said"

[Anonymous No.20211363]

>>20211341
90% of dialogue is is ironically not dialogue, but rather adding expressions or actions that the characters are doing during the dialogue. Imagine if you changed the last line from:
>"He'd better be," Dockson said. "He'll be the one paying us, after all."
To
>"He'd better be," Dockson replied, glancing coldly at Kelsier. "He'll be the one paying us, after all."

The quality just jumps from meme fanfic to actual novel instantaneously. Just add shit like that and its ez

[Anonymous No.20211367]

>>20211363
Dont listen to this faggot, unironically do the exact opposite of what he said. Drop all the "X said" and "Y said" beyond the first times they speak since everytime after that it's obvious which one is doing the talking

[Anonymous No.20211371]

>>20211341
Why the HECK can't people accept script-like dialogue tags in novels?
A: wow I know who's talking
B: so easy to understand
C: what's so horrible about this
B: i know right

[Anonymous No.20211376]

>>20211341
That's not how people talk in real life. You might have autism if you wrote that.

[Anonymous No.20211377]

>>20211363
>glancing coldly
i thought you weren't supposed to say things like "looked angrily", "gave him a wary look" "looked scared"

[Anonymous No.20211383]

>>20211367
Ok faggot, what else would you recommend OP do? Write characters blandly talking at one another with no emotions or movement during the conversation?

[Anonymous No.20211387]

>>20211376
>You might have autism if you wrote that.
one of the most popular fantasy writers might have autism. It's from Brandon Sanderson's Mistborn

https://www.novelforfree.com/mistborn-the-final-empire_chapter_page-6_2749_1793.html

[Anonymous No.20211395]

>>20211363
Your dialogue should be written well enough to convey the intended emotion without having to add 'he said angrily.' Less is often more.

[Anonymous No.20211398]

>>20211363
terrible

[Anonymous No.20211406]

>>20211377
>show not tell
'glancing coldy' does exactly that though

[Anonymous No.20211409]

>>20211387
>one of the most popular fantasy writers might have autism
Least surprising fact I've read today

[Anonymous No.20211439]

>>20211406
I'm not certain it does, I think with 'show, don't tell' you have to write down objective physical observations which leave no ambiguity (raised eyebrows, open mouth, stumbling back, etc) and allow the reader to figure everything out by themselves.

'glancing coldy' feels like another way of saying 'glancing angrily' or 'glancing with disdain', you're pretty much directly telling the reader how your character feels

[Anonymous No.20211442]

>>20211377
The only people afraid of adverbs are those who read Stephen King's On Writing and thought it was a Bible.

[Anonymous No.20211443]

>>20211341
I lost track of who was speaking

[Anonymous No.20211452]

>>20211363
This is genuinely the shittiest, most garbage take i have and will ever see on lit. The quality of this board and it's posters just fucking plummeted with the submission of this post. Kindly kill yourself

[Anonymous No.20211459]

>>20211341
No it's not. I've never had a conversation like this in my life. So much modern trash has unnecessary dialogue, tv really lowered the bar. You're reusing "suppose", I think across two different characters, but it's not in a good way where the second character is using it in the same way the first character was. If you're writing is actually good, you shouldn't need to point out who's talking where (which, for the other anon, is why script writing is avoided, because it's cumbersome). It should be obvious who's talking based on context and the character's personality.

Additionally, there's a lot of unnecessary filler that feels like it's only there to fill out a quota and not actually develop any character. I'm basically looking at a dialogue between the same person, just that one person knows a little bit more than the other.

[Anonymous No.20211465]

>>20211363
>glancing coldly
Dont give advice

[Anonymous No.20211470]

>>20211363
why were you being mean to OP
you knew people were going to call you out on this

[Anonymous No.20211472]

>>20211377
i prefer the left

[Anonymous No.20211486]

>>20211383
emotions are supposed to come from the dialogue
"glancing coldly" is not movement
noone said not to include narration, that's just a shit way of doing it

[Anonymous No.20211494]

>>20211486
Can u give an example of better narration with the dialogue provided then, I'd like to see how you would write it differently

[Anonymous No.20211527]

>>20211341
Sanderson really lives rent free in you niggas's heads don't he

[Anonymous No.20211533]

>>20211494
no, as neither can you, because we're not great writers, we're both just anons on a cambodian basket weaving forum, arguing about how to write because we like to argue on the internet.

[Anonymous No.20211565]

>>20211363
11/10 bait

[Anonymous No.20211573]

>>20211363
I hope this is bait

[Anonymous No.20211581]

>>20211341
Define good
If you mean interesting then no this is some boring ass dialogue
I'm sure it serves some minor plot relevance but even then it seems unnecessarily long-winded

[Anonymous No.20211582]

>>20211363
>"He'd better be," Cold stare fixated on Kelsier. "He'll be the one paying us, after all."
I can't say my example is perfect, but it's better than pointing out yet again that it's Dockson talking, when anyone paying attention can easily decipher it.

[Anonymous No.20211588]

>>20211494
You would need context of the character, location, and situation in order to truly answer that question. I could say "He'd better be," shoving his gold plated glock inscribed 'pimpkilla' into the pouch of his Yeezy hoodie, "He'll be the one paying us, after all." And you have a generic action of a generic "gangsta", but in general it accomplishes a simple task with action: hiding his pistol on his body is a threatening action, implying that if he doesn't get the money he will have his Glock on him ready for action. I'm not saying this is a good solution, but action informing character is what you want, not narrative description.

[Anonymous No.20211602]

>>20211494
Kelsier thought for a moment. “Is Clubs still running that shop of his? He’s one of the best Smokers in the city.”

“Isn’t he hard to work with?”

“He’s not so bad, once you get used to him. Besides, I think he might be… amenable to this particular job.”

Dockson shrugged. “I’ll invite him. I think one of his relatives is a Tineye. Do you want me to invite him too?”

“Sounds good,” Kelsier said.

“All right. That leaves Yeden.”

“He’ll be there.”

“He’d better be,” Dockson said. “He’ll be the one paying us, after all.”

[Anonymous No.20211605]

>>20211367
a decent writer will remember to throw in a reminder every half a page or so.

[Anonymous No.20211607]

>>20211377
checked.
the left one is good and true. the right is damned boring.

[Anonymous No.20211611]

>>20211602
Sandersonsisters...it's over...

[Anonymous No.20211614]

>>20211602
I was going to rewrite it as well but mine was pretty much the same as this.

[Anonymous No.20211615]

>>20211341
I don't like it but I'm sure there are people that do. Or maybe you can have this sort of excessive usage of "x said" as part of the narration of a character within the text. You fucks are all tied down by rules, wallowing in your extremes like>>20211377
It doesn't fucking matter. The context and whatever it is you're writing determines how it is written and what sort of prose is called for. Fuck the rules. I make my own.

[Anonymous No.20211626]

>>20211615
If you can cut a third of the prose and not lose anything then you should. That's my rule and I stick by it.
Prose doesn't have to advance the plot. It can add flavor or characterization or even exist for its own sake if it's poetic enough. But it has to do something.

[Anonymous No.20211663]

>>20211626
Oh, I completey agree but you could just say "If you can cut a third and not lose anything then you should." instead. Point being, use whatever tool you have available. If your thought calls for drawn-out descriptions, the kind some of this board might foolishly call "purple", then just go wild. If the context calls for short, precise and perhaps even 'dull' descriptions, well, just write away.
OP's text I dislike but why trash it all together? A simpleton of a character can narrate their experience listening to this conversation. You can make anything work if you just sit down for long enough and use your brain.

[Anonymous No.20211675]

>>20211341
too much suppose

[Anonymous No.20211705]

>>20211663
A simpleton's thoughts should still be interesting to read. The speech itself can use trimming, and I don't think "X said" is part of the simpleton thought process, or any other—does your internal narration have dialogue tags?
Trimming this down doesn't make it worse for any purpose (aside from lame gotchas like "pumping up the word count", "saving time on editing", "demonstrating bloated prose", etc).

[Anonymous No.20211708]

>>20211387
Some of the other sections suggest that Sanderson is not incapable of writing flowing dialogue, so it seems this is just a particularly poorly edited snippet.

[Anonymous No.20211781]

>>20211708
>not incapable
why not just say "capable"

[Anonymous No.20211821]

>>20211363
>glancing coldly

[Anonymous No.20211829]

>>20211821
It was the liquid nitrogen of looks.

[Anonymous No.20212069]

>>20211341
Ellipses make me want to rip my eyes out

[Anonymous No.20212099]

>>20211363
Why is this post being torn apart
>glancing coldly
Thi seems fine

[Anonymous No.20212103]

Dockson's gaze swept across Kelsier, ushering in a localized fimbulwinter. Sweat froze, extremities broke off, and women rushed their children inside.

[Anonymous No.20212132]

>>20212099
If it is used sparingly, incredibly sparingly, borderline never, not at all, it is fine. If every exchange is peppered with these descriptors then the writing becomes weak and tedious. The texture and context of the dialogue should carry the meaning on its own. It's a completely unnecessary descriptor that 99/100 times could and should be conveyed contextually.

[Anonymous No.20212141]

>>20211781
Felt like it

[Anonymous No.20212169]

>>20212141
shame you didn't feel like not posting at all

[Anonymous No.20212226]

>>20212132
Thanks

[Anonymous No.20212235]

>>20212169
Fuck off, ESL

[Anonymous No.20212240]

>>20211341
I mean, I feel something more could be said than "Sounds good," in response to whatever a tineye is. But yeah, this is fine.

[Anonymous No.20212252]

>>20212235
illiterate retard

[Anonymous No.20212274]

>>20212252
My usage is not uncommon in English, so I contend that it is you who is the illiterate retard.

[Anonymous No.20212279]

>>20211341
Honestly, not bad. I found it believable.

[Anonymous No.20212857]

>>20211363
Commit suicide retard

[Anonymous No.20212887]

>>20211377
Left is better, has a storybook quality, like the opening of a tall tale or yarn. Right is writers workshop gruel.

[Anonymous No.20213008]

>>20211582
Your example is fucking shit. It's not even grammatically correct.

[Anonymous No.20213257]

>>20211363
I hope you are memeing or at least are now aware of your sinful ways anon but your advice is just yikes.