/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.19923852]

>library showers are clogged for the fifth time this month
Should I even renew my platinum membership?

[Anonymous No.19924271]

>>19923852
I went back to basic membership last year because the other premium fags were insufferable. The homeless guys are great company. We even have a comfy bookclub, currently reading El Buscón with those lads.

[Anonymous No.19924279]

>tfw donated $20 and the scantily clad librarian spelled my name wrong on the simp whiteboard

[Anonymous No.19924310]

>Bought a "lifetime membership"
>Only lasts 3 years and doesn't give me access to the hardbacks
It's such a fucking scam bros

[Anonymous No.19924621]

>>19923852
Librarian here, stop waffle stomping your shit down the drain and maybe they’ll stay unclogged for more than 5 minutes.

[Anonymous No.19924628]

>>19924310
The "lifetime" memberships only last three years because they are marketed to trannies. It helps subsidize the memberships of normal people.

[Anonymous No.19924639]

>>19924628
kek

[Anonymous No.19924643]

>>19923852
Why are you taking showers at a library?

[Anonymous No.19924665]

>>19923852
My library showers are usually filled with a combination of gay trawlers, and middle aged men who are washing off after cheating on their wives with whores. I feel like I'm the only one who is actually there to wash off after a day of reading at the library. I've been told they're actually going to put in a security camera or get a guard cause of a few incidents lately...

[Anonymous No.19924678]

>library is installing pseud detectors next week

Its over...

[Anοnymous No.19925613]

>cute shelfer found the cum page
my days are numbered

[Anonymous No.19925663]

What the fuck are you all talking about?

[Anonymous No.19925685]

>Library massage parlour closed until further notice

This is really going to mess with my routine.

[Anonymous No.19925692]

>Library locker has been broken into for the sixth time this month
>They didn't take anything

Tasteless pseuds

[Anonymous No.19925698]

>girlfriend tripped the library p-zombie scanners

[Anonymous No.19925700]

>>19924271
Basado

[Anonymous No.19925703]

>>19924643
This, seriously. My library requires you to wear a mask in the shower. It's not even a group shower!
Just go outside to the onsen so you can breathe. It's not gonna burn you.

[Anonymous No.19925709]

>>19925698
Fun fact regular RFID tags set these off

[Anonymous No.19925714]

>>19923852
>book warmer broken since 2020

[Anonymous No.19925724]

>>19925714
Have you complained? This is one of the only reasons to even get a membership. Let me guess. You're too "shy" (milquetoast) to bring it up. Get your moneys worth dammit.

[Anonymous No.19925730]

Im too shy to go to the library sauna.

[Anonymous No.19925734]

>>19923852
>Pseud police are suspicious of me and keep banging the door to the bathroom stall I'm hiding in.
Last week they took some guy away for reading Land without submitting his compulsory 50 word essay on Lovecraft first. I haven't seen him since.

[Anonymous No.19925761]

>>19925734
Me and my friend submitted applications for the Pseud police at our local library the same time. I put my favourite author down as James Joyce because I thought it might impress them whereas my friend put down fucking Cecily von Ziegesar, the author of the Gossip Girl books (he fucking loves those things). My application was declined and his interview is next week. What the hell is their problem?

[Anonymous No.19925855]

>>19925692
underrated

[Anonymous No.19926006]

>Accidentally put my dick in the DVD anti-theft unlocking machine again

[Anonymous No.19926009]

>>19925663
Haven’t you ever been to a membership library?

[Anonymous No.19926020]

I do HR for a large public library and these aren’t far off the mark.

[Anonymous No.19926023]

>>19923852
Oh no... this is the /tv/ crabslegs thing isn't it?

[Anonymous No.19926079]

>>19923852
oh you paid for platinum membership separately?
i got it bundled in with my library wine club membership

[Anonymous No.19926192]

>>19924678
kek

[Anonymous No.19926198]

>Library machine knows what book I'm checking out just by weighing it
>No other kind of visual sensor or barcodes
>Somehow it just knows
>Friend calls me an idiot and says it's RFID
bros we are living in the future

[Anonymous No.19926213]

>>19925761
A+

[Anonymous No.19926245]

>>19926020
I work on custodial staff. Real fucking tired of wiping down the loads in the steam room. Can you put in a work order with LaToya?

[Anonymous No.19926257]

>>19925663
The newfag special needs school is out the door and to the left

[Anonymous No.19926859]

>lock on the bathroom asks me to enter in the dewey decimal range for natural sciences
>don't know it off the top of my head
>piss myself

[Anonymous No.19927097]

>>19926023
how new are you

[Anonymous No.19927106]

>The wine aunts got out of their holding pen in the historical fiction section again
No, bitch, I don't want to hear about the Tudors solving mysteries.

[Anonymous No.19927112]

>Forgot my basket for the bi-monthly Easter Egg hunt
Couldn't show my face there for weeks.

[Anonymous No.19927119]

>>19923852
wait, libraries have showers? not around here.

[Anonymous No.19927124]

>>19925663
Just another low-effort thread.

[Anonymous No.19927125]

>Bribed the library snipers into letting me stay for story time in the children's section
I like to shout spoilers for the Clifford books from the back row.

[Anonymous No.19927129]

>>19924678
>>19925613
Best

[Anonymous No.19927141]

>All the librarians start speaking Ebonics for black history month
>Have to donate to BLM to make them stop
I'm just getting a used book fridge and saving myself the trouble.

[Anonymous No.19927180]

>>19923852
>the Joyce goblins pooped in my copy of Ulysses again

I couldn’t figure it out anyway...

[Anonymous No.19927191]

>me when I bring in outside books

[Anonymous No.19927227]

>library pool closed again
>its fucking stingrays again
this is the last year i am renewing my membership

[Anonymous No.19927267]

Shelling out an additional $80/mo for the VIP library card is really worth it if you can afford it
Opens up the seafood bar, the glory hole booths, and the banned literature section just to name a few of the perks

[Anonymous No.19927299]

>>19926859
It's a trick question, bro; everything is catalogued by LoC now, so you just turn them all to zero.

[Anonymous No.19927309]

>get job as part-time popcorn butter churner at my library
>sneak into main computer hub on break
>Add Borges to the pseud author database
>Watch a bunch of fags get arrested an hour later.

[Anonymous No.19927322]

>>19923852
Whenever I am in the library thermae, I always get into an intense staring contest with art hoes whenever I'm soaking in the calidarium. I feel so awkward that our thermae are co-ed now.

[Anonymous No.19927330]

>>19926006
>accidentally

[Anonymous No.19927402]

>>19927309
lol I did a summer internship at the AV recognition lab, and changed the calliope syndrome detectors' recording to "Borg aïs". the Hispanic population hasn't recovered since.

[Anonymous No.19927459]

Pick up the basic Friends of Israel membership. I know it has no food or towel service and you have to wear the forehead box, but if you get that, you can add on the Asian studies subscription, which comes with free towels and unlimited baked eggs and rice milk. You'll have to be able to do a narrow squat to get the Asian subscription, but you can save over $70 and you still get access to the whole ancient scrolls library, not just the biblical ones.
The only downside is you're banned from the medieval Muslim section and the BBQ rib place on the second floor.

[Anonymous No.19927476]

>Lolita pulled from the bathroom rack

Fuk

[Anonymous No.19927491]

>>19927402
Are you the reason why I had to ask for Willy Master's Year of Instruction by tfw no Goth gf?

[Anonymous No.19927499]

>library vultures have taken the human skin bound books back to their nests again
I just want to pass my anatomy test :(

[Anonymous No.19927567]

>library mice have got into the Rabbie Burns collection again
>drunken mice crying with Scottish accents all over the sixth floor
>tried to encourage one into a trap
>I wouldnae start away so hasty my earth bound companion and fellow mortal thou maun live and guess and fear forward thy-lane an I am blessed compared with thee, so if I go let thee on wit me
I swear they only read the same two poems.

[Anonymous No.19927587]

>>19927567
>they only read the same two poems.
They got into his censored poems one spring after really bad winter, and they not only had a population explosion that took over the fifth and seventh floors, they also diverted a river through the English author section and declared it the New Clyde. That's why the raunchy stuff is all on floating shelves now, and wode is banned by the front desk.

[Anonymous No.19927658]

>The World Travel Wizards summoned the ghost of Joyce again
>Keeps asking me for money every time I pass by the Ibsen section
Life is hell

[Anonymous No.19927713]

>library fingerprint scanner detected too much information again
>had to rub my index finger over a blank sheet of paper for five hours before it would let me in
It's not fair, bros, just because I use an ereader at home doesn't mean I'm not reading

[Anonymous No.19927744]

>return my book 2 days too late
>sentenced to one week or 50 hours of milking the ink cows
Better than last time when they sent me to the recycling plant to make bookmarks out of toenails

[Anonymous No.19927762]

>the flying monkeys have put all the books on the opioid crisis in fiction again
This is why they shouldn't be allowed accept private funding. Their turrets are 100% tax payer funded and they're only taking the money out of pure greed and not any academic interest.

[Anonymous No.19927797]

>they moved the geography section to a different floor to make room for manga
>didn't move the aleph
>have to listen to the pipes next to the maqfil if I want to hear about ocean crust tectonic plates
>get accused of spying on modest women and banned from the map room for six months
>nobody cares the weebs in the basement have a full window into any Japanese girls locker room
fml

[Anonymous No.19927802]

>librarian found the piss drawer in the printer
she's gonna find out it's me there's security camera all over the place I'm so fucked

[Anonymous No.19927807]

>>19923852
>Saturday morning at the library
>going to try to break my PR of pages read in Finnegans Wake
>everybody in the library watching me, cheering me on
>biggest brain guy says "you got this, bro" and comes to spot my page mark
>feel good at first, but...
>oh no, can't even get through 5 pages
>brain is getting wobbly
>I can't do this, feel weak
>need my spotter to finish the page for me
>feel disappointment and shame
>QTs that only use the YA section are giggling at me
>big brain guy says don't worry, you'll get em next time

i've obviously got a lot more training to do, but i'm too embarrassed to even show my face in there since.

[Anonymous No.19927824]

>>19927807
>taps out on the bergincellies of Miseryhill page
>In front of people
>In front of girls
oh no no no no no

[Anonymous No.19927825]

>>19927807
Seriously, take it easy for a few days and don't be too harsh on yourself. Next time set yourself a smaller goal to regain confidence in your abilities and slowly work your way up. You sound like a smart dude, I have no doubt you'll get there sooner than you think!

[Anonymous No.19927858]

>go up to the main desk and ask for the magic mountain
>everyone looks confused
>”it’s by thomas mah-nnnnn” i say
>a small hairy hermaphrodite (a total stranger) waddles over and hands me a cup of mint chocolate chip gelato
only two scoops to boot

[Anonymous No.19927872]

>>19927125
Fucking lost it

[Anonymous No.19927877]

>>19923852
>returned my copy of GR to the cute tomboy librarian I want to ask out
>forgot to remove my extensive sticky notes from THAT chapter

[Anonymous No.19927887]

>>19927877
Hope you got the money for a fur coat

[Anonymous No.19927894]

>4th floor marionette show is a flop for the 5th time in a row
id complain to management but i dont feel like dodging their guardian lammasu again

>>19927807
Gallon
Of
Milk
A
Day

[Anonymous No.19927915]

I've been to my library a couple times over the past month. look, I'm ok with homeless people hanging out there, especially since how cold it is, but all they do is eat chips and talk on their phones. fuckin a

[Anonymous No.19927932]

>>19923852
Hey Anon, here's those books you ordered. Let's see here, Infinite Jest, Blood Meridian, The Idiot, Meditations, Bronze Age Mindset, Ulysses, American Psycho, Stoner, and 12 Rules for Life. That's all of them right?

[Anonymous No.19927942]

>>19927932
Don't trigger the pseud sirens all at once like that! Some of us are trying to read and don't need to bash our heads against rocks.

[Anonymous No.19927949]

>>19927942
>he wasn't wearing ear plugs
>he probably isn't even strapped to the chair for good reading posture
lmao you deserve it

[Anonymous No.19927955]

>>19927932
bruh I never noticed how /mu/-tier /lit/ was before this post

[Anonymous No.19927956]

>>19927762
They got the golden cap of tenure so there's nothing that can be done about it. And their preferred term is "winged monkeys".

[Anonymous No.19927958]

>i can hear the rape dwarf moving in the shower air ducts again

[Anonymous No.19927975]

>>19927744
>recycling plant to make bookmarks
They only do that if you return them late AND unread. Don't out yourself like that. Do you go out of your way to show off the security anklet too, you fucking illiterate?

[Anonymous No.19927983]

>>19927958
He only attacks people who don't speak French. You're probably fine.

[Anonymous No.19927996]

>>19927983
Me voilà rassuré, merci.

[Anonymous No.19928007]

>the library hermit refuses to stop throwing his shit at me every time I walk in the door
>stirnerfags keep calling me a spook (I'm white)
>the YA coven keeps calling me their poor little meow meow
>several hundred copies of every Sally Rooney book are seemingly placed at random in every section
>the library's lunchroom only serves soup in coffee cups
>can't even open up most of the philosophy books since the pages have been glued together with cum
I'm honestly considering just getting my books off Amazon at this point.

[Anonymous No.19928036]

>>19928007
>throwing his shit at me every time I walk in the door
YO DIS NIGGA BE LIVIN IN DISCWORLD

[Anonymous No.19928046]

>>19927499
lost

[Anonymous No.19928059]

>finally got a good paying job in another town
>visit local library there to get a new membership
>library buffet doesn't serve macarons
Why does there always have to be a drawback somewhere?

[Anonymous No.19928069]

>>19923852
>buy premium membership from library to get advanced reading copies
>they let you hack authors laptops while they write
>tfw I livestream it to my incel tranny femboi discord (pbuh)
>we figured out how to hack their speakers
>we criticize their writing and say this is why they're divorced
Kino - platinum is worth it

[Anonymous No.19928093]

>>19923852
Your libraries have showers?

[Anonymous No.19928101]

Whats the best section to enjoy a can of beans bros?

[Anonymous No.19928130]

>go into smoking area
>lock door behind me
>Smoke some cigars with the Hegel Horses and the Plato People
Who’s knocking on the door?

[Anonymous No.19928177]

>>19928093
>his library doesn't have showers
do you live in angola or something lmao

[Anonymous No.19928254]

>>19928093
>he doesn't know

[Anonymous No.19928270]

>>19928059
>library buffet has no macarons
>has macrons instead
god damnit

[Anonymous No.19928326]

>>19927807
We’re all gonna read it bro

[Anonymous No.19928350]

>>19927932
>philip.jpg
lost and i dont understand why

[Anonymous No.19928351]

>the library changed the feed in their horse feed troughs outside to some organic onions-based stuff
now my horse shat all over driveway and my wife is gonna lose it when she gets back from spin class in an hour

[Anonymous No.19928386]

>>19928350
why do you think my name is so funny anon?

[Anonymous No.19928406]

>>19928270
>Hey man, what book did you pick?
>The Kama Sutra, my teacher recommended it to me!

[Anonymous No.19928424]

>>19924279
Lel

[Anonymous No.19928426]

>>19923852
>the reference shaman failed to summon the right ISBN number

He’s been off-kilter for a while now. No amount of illegally traded rhino horn powder and Dostoevsky chantings will fix this.

[Anonymous No.19928497]

>>19925730
Go to the library solarium instead. I sunned my balls this morning.

[Anonymous No.19928501]

>>19927125
Goddamn American libraries

[Anonymous No.19928504]

>Book Maintenance Engineer is on paternity leave
>characters are now sliding and falling off the books
they really can’t do anything right…

[Anonymous No.19928514]

>>19928497
Me too I finished all of BAP's Bronze Age Mindset and am going tomorrow to finish my Evola collection. My butthole is so melaninated. Watch out for the Solarium Zulus though.

[Anonymous No.19928519]

>subzero broke into the library again
>now every book is falling apart

[Anonymous No.19928525]

>>19927744
lel, I keep thinking about this post. is there a book with a similar vibe? (maybe Boris Vian)

[Anonymous No.19928615]

>>19923852
Unreal levels of creativity in this thread and lost on multiple posts.

[Anonymous No.19928668]

>Crackheads printed out porn on the printer behind the counter and made the librarians get it for them again

[Anonymous No.19928683]

>tfw got caught jerking off in the children's books section again

[Anonymous No.19928691]

>Nabakov hologram doing a writing workshop at my library

Idk if I can take the criticism bros

[Anonymous No.19928701]

>>19927932
Actually I asked for the idiot stoner, but it looks like they sent him anyway.

[Anonymous No.19928770]

>Sign up months in advance to use the library's sensory deprivation tank
>FINALLY it's my turn
>Karens bring their screaming brats to the library and I hear them shrieking the entire time
Idiots, there's a REASON you're supposed to be SILENT in the library!

[Anonymous No.19928796]

>>19928691
I fucking hate living in the inner city. The last hologram lecture at my library was tupac

[Anonymous No.19928813]

>>19928691
>library gets a Nietzsche hologram
>sign up for a lecture
>his "lecture" is just him sitting in the corner drinking his own piss
don't know why they made a hologram version of him from the end of his life, but it was interesting i guess.

[Anonymous No.19928881]

>>19928813
>he doesn't understand the nihilistic siginficance of drinking your own piss
all fucking midwits must fucking hang!

[Anonymous No.19928940]

>Six years of college
>Finally complete my master's degree in library drumming
>No libraries are hiring any drummers because of fucking COVID
Just kill me already you cold cruel universe

[Anonymous No.19928957]

>muslim section of the library opened last week
>go inside to visit, pass by some prostrate guy with a funny cap on his head
>wander around the shelves for a bit
>nothing but gigantic, dusty hardcovers, all of them dark green or brown
>spines and covers virtually indistinguishable
>everything is in arabic
>icantreadthishit.jpg
>well that was a waste
>go back to where I entered
>guy i saw on the floor before is now guarding the exit with a big curved sword worn on his waist
>fucking loses his shit, wants to kill me on the spot
>calls me kafir, says i haven't even done my wudu
>demands i pay him a "jizya"
>wtf is a wudu
>he locks me in this dusty oubliette
>can hear he vigorously scrubbing himself in the parts where he touched me
>i hear faint wailings from deep underground
>i call the main desk, library says they can't reclaim me because apparently i'm in a "waqf" or something
>w/e
>now i'm wating for the guy to throw himself on the floor again so i can make a run for it
>mfw

[Anonymous No.19929103]

>>19928525
I just ripped off the popcorn mines bit don't look at me

[Anonymous No.19929128]

>>19928957
Congrats, you’re a library Dhimmi now. Make sure your book fort dwelling is shorter than that of the neighboring mosque’s roof.

[Anonymous No.19929137]

>>19928426
fuck lmao

[Anonymous No.19929145]

>>19928525
Not him but Richard Brautigan (The Abortion) and Flann O'Brien (The Third Policeman) both spring to mind alongside Vian. Actually there's a Brautigan short story that would fit in the thread well, I'll section it up and post it for you

[Anonymous No.19929161]

>>19928525
>>19929145
>Homage to the San Francisco YMCA
One upon a time in San Francisco there was a man who really liked the finer things in life, especially poetry. He liked good verse.
He could afford to indulge himself in this liking, which meant that he didn't have to work because he was receiving a generous pension that was the result of a 1920s investment that his grandfather had made in a private insane asylum that was operating quite profitably in Southern California.
In the black, as they say and located in the San Fernando Valley, just outside of Tarzana. It was one of those places that do not look like an insane asylum. It looked like something else with flowers all around it, mostly roses.
The checks always arrived on the 1st and 15th of every month, even when there was not a mail delivery on that day. He had a lovely house in Pacific Heights and he would go out and buy more poetry. He of course had never met a poet in person. That would have been a little too much.
One day he decided that his liking for poetry could not be fully expressed in just reading poetry or listening to poets reading on phonograph records. He decided to take the plumbing out of his house and completely replace it with poetry, and so he did.
He turned off the water and took out the pipes and put in John Donne to replace them. The pipes did not look too happy. He took out his bathtub and put in William Shakespeare. The bathtub did not know what was happening.
He took out his kitchen sink and put in Emily Dickinson. THe kitchen sink could only stare back in wonder. He took out his bathroom sink and put in Vladimir Mayakovsky. The bathroom sink, even though the water was turned off, broke out into tears.
He took out his hot water heater and put in Michael McClure's poetry. The hot water heater could barely contain its santiy. Finally he took out his toilet and put in the minor poets. The toilet planned on leaving the country.
And now the time had come to see how it all worked, to enjoy the fruit of his amazing labor. Christopher Columbus' slight venture sailing West was merely the shadow of a dismal event in the comparison. He turned the water back on again and surveyed the countenance of his vision brought to reality. He was a happy man.
"I think I'll take a bath," he said, to celebrate. He tried to heat up some Michael McClure to take a bath in some William Shakespeare and what happened was not actually what he had planned on happening.
"Might as well do the dishes then," he said. He tried to wash some plates in "I taste a liquor never brewed," and found there was quite a difference between that liquid and a kitchen sink. Despair was on its way.

(1/2 sorry if formatting is fucked)

[Anonymous No.19929166]

>>19929161
(2/2)
He tried to go to the toilet and the minor poets did not do at all. They began gossiping about their careers as he sat there trying to take a shit. One of them had written 197 sonnets about a penguin he had once seen in a travelling circus. He sensed a Pulitzer Prize in this material.
Suddenly the man realized that poetry could not replace plumbing. It's what they call seeing the light. He decided immediately to take the poetry out and put the pipes back in, along with the sinks, the bathtub, the hot water heater and the toilet.
"This just didn't work out the way I planned it," he said. "I'll have to put the plumbing back. Take the poetry out." It made sense standing there naked in the total light of failure.
But then he ran into more trouble than there was in the first place. The poetry did not want to go. IT liked very much occupying the positions of the former plumbing.
"I look great as a kitchen sink," Emily Dickinson's poetry said.
"We look wonderful as a toilet," the minor poets said.
"I'm grand as pipes," John Donne's poetry said.
"I'm a perfect hot water heater," Michael McClure's poetry said.
Vladimir Mayakovsky sang new faucets from the bathroom, there are faucets beyond suffering, and William Shakespeare's poetry was nothing but smiles.
"That's well and dandy for you," the man said. "But I have to have plumbing, REAL plumbing in this house. Did you notice the emphasis I put on REAL? Real! Poetry just can't handle it. Face up to reality," the man said to the poetry.
But the poetry refused to go. "We're staying." The man offered to call the police. "Go ahead and lock us up, you illiterate," the poetry said in one voice.
"I'll call the fire department!"
"Book burner!" the poetry shouted.
The man began to fight the poetry. It was the first time he had ever been in a fight. He kicked the poetry of Emily Dickinson in the nose.
Of course the poetry of Michael McClure and Vladimir Mayakovsky walked over and said in English and Russian, "That won't do at all," and threw the man down a flight of stairs. He got the message.
That was two years ago. The man is now living in a YMCA in San Francisco and loves it. He spends more time in the bathroom than everybody else. He goes in there at night and talks to himself with the light out.

[Anonymous No.19929170]

>>19928691
If they don't set up the Vera hologram, you won't get any feedback.

[Anonymous No.19929173]

>tfw my library bar has been out of everything for 2 months except duck milk
these mfers could at least buy some teabags or something

[Anonymous No.19929186]

Call of the Crocodile by F Gardner.

[Anonymous No.19929202]

>>19929173
>at least buy some teabags or something
Do you have any idea how much silver that would cost now that the post colonial studies group has taken over the acquisitions department?

[Anonymous No.19929251]

>book pirates only handing over pdfs
>okay it's still cheaper than going to the desk
>asked if they have any in English
>they laugh and tell me I should ask a privateer if I want licensed English works
H-has anyone come back from talking to the press gang in periodicals? Should I just read French?

[Anonymous No.19929256]

>librarian caught me reading a pdf of Edith Hamilton's Mythology instead of the source material on papyrus and scrolls

[Anonymous No.19929268]

>>19929251
>H-has anyone come back from talking to the press gang in periodicals
Burroughs, but he hasn't been right since
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=trbvx1U6Ry8

[Anonymous No.19929308]

>>19928101
Cynics forum, they fuggin love legumes. Just don't go if it's raining because the porch belongs to the stoics and they get pissed off about anything that tastes nice.

[Anonymous No.19929331]

>Visit a Japanese maid library
>18 year old qt reads Evola to me while another serves me saké
>Chat with the receptionist after
>She compliments my vocabulary
>Mirin
>Come home
>Someone took a shit in the history section
>Librarian calls me a racist for complaining about homeless burning books to heat a can of beans

[Anonymous No.19929338]

>>19929331
>>She compliments my vocabulary
>>Mirin
Everyone gets nihongo jouzu'd in the Japanese maid library, they're paid to say that

[Anonymous No.19929350]

>>19928093
yeah but you gotta give a secret code to the beardy guy who's always reading Husserl sitting on the floor in a corner
sometimes it changes though

[Anonymous No.19929356]

>>19929350
>sometimes it changes though
It's been Pharaoh II for years

[Anonymous No.19929366]

>>19928770
Anon, those booth are sound proofed; that's just your inner child talking.

[Anonymous No.19929471]

>marine corps boot camp
>go to the base library
>some fat disgusting slob hasn't returned his overdue book yet
"Alright you maggots! Since Private Pyle here is such a Rhodes scholar, I'm gonna have all of YOU hit the deck while Private Pyle reads his novel!"
>Have to do pushups for hours while Pyle reads Proust
That evening we all made sure Private Pyle had some "bad dreams"

[Anonymous No.19929476]

>>19929471
Bro, he chose to read Proust, he's into what you're doing.

[Anonymous No.19929485]

>accidentally smear shit on the urinal e-reader
>trying to wipe it off but someone comes in the bathroom
>quickly stand at a different urinal and pretending to pee
>guy walks up behind me asks me what book’s on my urinal ereader
>oh, uh, nothing actually,
>starts lecturing me on how much time I’m wasting by not using the urinal ereader when I piss
>walks up to the other urinal talking about how personally he can’t get enough of Yeats, how poetry is basically a diuretic
>slowly comes to silence as he notices the shit smear all over his urinal ereader
>mfw
>zip up my pants and out of the bathroom without washing hands
Haven’t been back since bros

[Anonymous No.19929529]

>>19929331
>anon goes to Japanese maid cafe
>can ask them to bless his omelette and rice with any mystical power
>chooses Evola
Ask me how I know you were wearing compression leggings

[Anonymous No.19929540]

The McCarthy and Faulkner fags really need to stop spitting everywhere, it's rude.

[Anonymous No.19929584]

Guys, the penis inspector in the third floor bathroom didn't have an Ernest name tag or a mirror, and he never called me Scott. I don't think he's legit. Only using the second floor bathroom from now on.

[Anonymous No.19929689]

>library stopped handing out free plastic bags in the steam room
>waterproofing is now a "premium only perk"
Wtf do they expect us to do? Only read the Rosetta stone in there?

[Anonymous No.19929701]

>the pseuds escape from the library penal colony
>one of them gives the pauper page turner boy a platinum membership card

[Anonymous No.19929711]

>>19929701
>pseuds escape from the library penal colony
I bet it was Papillon

[Anonymous No.19929765]

>wake up 9am head down to the library for a shower
>walk in the front entrance
>immediately a cackle of arthoes assails me talking about I should sign a petition
>grab one of the papers being flung about my face and read the title
>Remove Racist Monument of Ignatius J Reilly In Library Atrium
>they’re all yelling over each other that I should sign to help remove the 25 foot bronze Ignatius statue
>it’s 9am on a fucking Wednesday
>yell over them, Is my paranoia getting out of hand or are you mongoloids really talking to me?
>complete silence
>take that as my queue to leave
>continue to my morning library shower

[Anonymous No.19929791]

>cute librarian girl smiles as she scans my Heidegger
>"Hope you enjoy the book, anon"
T..Thanks.. You too..
>Realize my blunder and run out the door
>Don't even take the Heidegger with me
Haven't been able to show my face there since. Do you think she's still holding onto the Heidegger?

[Anonymous No.19929848]

>>19928007
>not bringing your own soup in a thermo

[Anonymous No.19929879]

>>19929485
>not having pseud detectors on the toilets

[Anonymous No.19929894]

>Local library turns into a nightclub after hours
>Hide between the stacks so they won't kick me out because I'm absorbed in my book
>Nightclub crowd comes
>Still reading my book
>Bouncer discovers me and assumes I hid so I wouldn't have to pay the nighclub cover charge
>Chads and Stacies point and laugh as the bouncer drags me out kicking and screaming
Guess I should've forked over the money for the library card

[Anonymous No.19929902]

>>19929791
when this happens you can easily save face by saying
>Haha I mean I hope that I'll enjoy you too ... *wink wink*

[Anonymous No.19929929]

>>19929902
Do you think it would be too late for me to go back and use that line on her now?

[Anonymous No.19929951]

Anyone have tips on picking up girls at the library? It used to be a lot easier when everyone wasn't glued to their iphone all the time

[Anonymous No.19929977]

LIBRARY VALET SCRATCHED MY CAR DOOR

[Anonymous No.19930092]

>Have a conference room booked for quiet study time
>Fucking library Sphinx won't let me use it without answering its riddles
This is bullshit. I had it reserved a week in advance.

[Anonymous No.19930101]

>another Hemingwayfag parked his boat in the handicap spot
>go inside to give him a piece of my mind
>he blew his head off in the atrium with a shotgun

[Anonymous No.19930112]

>>19930101
>Another blind Borgesfag parked on the sidewalk again

[Anonymous No.19930116]

>>19923852
>forgot to make a reservation at the library but tipped the librarian $20 so i got seated anyway

[Anonymous No.19930125]

>drive thru librarian won't let me check out books even though i'm on rollerblades

[Anonymous No.19930137]

>>19930112
>roach infestation at my seedy fucking local library
>kafkafags all make a huge fuss every time I step on them
this is why we can't have nice things

[Anonymous No.19930139]

>>19928386
i mean no disrespect philip, i value your presence here

[Anonymous No.19930146]

>>19928350
that Patrice O'neal bit about owning a slave always comes to mind whenever I hear the name Philip now and I always end up laughing a little

[Anonymous No.19930213]

>library gold membership invoice arrives in the mail
>realize writer-in-residence receives $0.25 from each membership as honorarium
>send inquiry to membership board about the purpose of this wage
>"The writer-in-residence provides writing workshops, lectures, and one-on-one counseling (upon request) to gold and platinum members. It is a vital resource at our library."
>"It"
>Decide to sign-up for weekly workshop
>Workshop is held in library basement after hours
>Writer-in-residence is a 6'5'' bald man in a rough-hewn leather jacket and alligator boots
>Only two other people show up to workshop--a fast-talking grad student whose masters thesis is focused on Huysmans' fiction and a 14-year-old homeless boy
>workshop begins with the writer asking me my favourite breed of clay
>confidently answer terracotta
>a sinister grin appears on his face
>he picks up a wireless telephone hanging on the wall and whispers something into the handset while staring me straight in the eye
>he restores the telephone to its hook
>"Terracotta is an earthenware. May I see your membership card?"
>flee to the first floor washrooms
>frantically try to upgrade to platinum before writer-in-residence catches me

[Anonymous No.19930217]

>>19928350
Philip is the exact /lit/ equivalent to /tv/'s Robert.

[Anonymous No.19930231]

>>19929951
Typically you want to hand them a note for why they should date you and it's quieter. I'd go with a "I have a bomb."

[Anonymous No.19930339]

This is actually a good thread. It is fun and stimulates the creativity of /lit/'s own "writers in residence"

[Anonymous No.19930606]

>>19929331
>Evola and sake at the maid library
>Not ordering the Dao buri
It's still omurisu but in a bowl not plate. They bring it out and say
>The rice is cold, the eggs are overdone, this is a useless meal, and so it will last longer than any maids we have or you. In uselessness it finds its eternal nature Moe Moe kun
They don't even make you do the chant with them and it's very half hearted. They kind of just lift their hands and little and shrug and walk away to think about things. It's all I ever wanted from premium membership, I've been eating here every day since.

[Anonymous No.19930690]

>Be soldier
>Be in a battle
>Shit be crazy yo, fuck this, I ain't sacrificing my life for this shit yo
>Duck into nearby building
>Huge-ass library
>Librarian comes up to me
>Giving me this disrespectful look and askin for my library card and shit
>Fuck you bitch, I don't need no fuckin library card
>Burn that library to the mother fucking ground
>Become immortalized in history books
>yfw I burned down the Library of Alexandria
Suck it, bitch

[Anonymous No.19930699]

>>19930690
>I burned down the Library of Alexandria
Who hasn't tho?

[Anonymous No.19930709]

>>19924678
>walk around with phenomenology of spirit
>didn't get past first page

[Anonymous No.19930716]

>>19925663
>he doesn't go to the library
typical /lit/ poster

[Anonymous No.19930718]

>>19930709
Just answer Switzerland and Napoleon every second question, you've a 50/50 chance of passing

[Anonymous No.19930739]

>>19923852
>got caught putting the bible and other religious texts into the fiction section again
>this time it was the cute desk check-out girl chewing me out
>she asks me to wait at a table in the corner
>the book delivery Chad shows up drops his truckload as she talks to him and they both come over to me with a strange sense of menace
>librarian girl pops a cross out from under her shirt
>she gets on her knees, unzips Chad's jeans and sucks his cock in front of me
>try to leave but Chad pushes me back into the seat without ever leaving her mouth
>she's staring right into my eyes while sucking his prodigious circumcised member
>call her an evil disgusting whore while trying but failing not to look
>she laughs and with a mouth new baptized by cum asks 'based on what exactly?'
>feel the last of my ego deflate as my pants tighten with sudden realization
>decide I'll make another anti-Christian thread on /lit/ later as my revenge

[Anonymous No.19930740]

>>19930690
>reincarnate a thousand years later or so
>conquistador
>ignorant yowling natives rushing at with sticks and rocks
>mow them down like grass
>steal their women
"Sir, we found some books. It seems like the subhuman creatures somehow learned how to write"
"Burn 'em"
>round up every last scrap of 'literature' and smoke it like your mama smokes my dick
That's what they get for all those creepy-ass human sacrifices and shit

[Anonymous No.19930757]

>/lit/ made me go to the gym today
Thanks bros, y'all well rounded citizens

[Anonymous No.19930766]

>>19930739
wtf did I just read

[Anonymous No.19930769]

>>19930116
>tipping at the library
American detected

[Anonymous No.19930779]

>>19930766
Anon's exploiting the loophole that it's not fanfiction if you don't have fans.

[Anonymous No.19930782]

>>19930739
I came here to kek not to fap.

[Anonymous No.19930791]

>librarian scanning several books keeps saying based or cringe after each scan.
>she only sad based to the idiot by Dosto and some book of Flemish Poetry and everything else is cringe

[Anonymous No.19930818]

>Evolafags are drinking their own cum by the fountain again

[Anonymous No.19930828]

>>19930818
Yeah it's best not to visit during yoga hour

[Anonymous No.19930927]

>>19929166
What brautigan book is this from?

[Anonymous No.19930944]

>>19930927
Revenge of the Lawn short story collection. It's pretty commonly available compared to his other stuff.

[Anonymous No.19931011]

>tfw new library doesn't have mysterious guru who sits on top of the towel dispenser surviving by trading towels for sweat

[Anonymous No.19931041]

>>19931011
Probably because the Dune movie just came out

[Anonymous No.19931049]

>>19930944
What the fuck no way! I've read that multiple times and don't remember this one. I mostly remember the last story where his wifes dad dies and he lists all of the things he knew about him in dot points. Made me cry

[Anonymous No.19931066]

>>19931049
I remember the Scarlatti Tilt because it's perfect and tiny. That and A Very High Building in Singapore. The last one never hit me that hard. I don't have any of his super rare story collections, and if it's a short story by Brautigan it's almost guaranteed to be in Revenge of the Lawn.

[Anonymous No.19931256]

>>19923852
>Finally get hired as a library aide after failing the Latin exam twice.
>Stuck with shifts in the children's section.
The kids themselves are pretty good but the mandatory chastity cage really chafes.

[Anonymous No.19931261]

>>19931256
Lambswool. Thank me later

[Anonymous No.19931476]

>accidentally kick library gnome while on my way back from the sauna
>"sorry I just didn't see you"
>stink eye
>petty cunt moved all my favorite erotica on top shelves, near the event horizon the wizards SWORE they'd deal with
I need to find a library in the suburbs

[Anonymous No.19931481]

>>19931476
>find a library in the suburbs
Or just stop kicking gnomes bro

[Anonymous No.19931588]

>>19929173
do you know how many ducks you have to crush for a single gallon of milk? be appreciative towards your local duck squeezers, anon

[Anonymous No.19931594]

I'm about to go to debtor's prison for compound interest on an Animorphs book I forgot to return 24 years ago. Any good books to read in library jail?

[Anonymous No.19931629]

>>19931594
Digimon Adventure on File Island

[Anonymous No.19931707]

>Mishima Japanese Male Festival is next week
>Mom has me practicing in the recital with Yukio's official branded dildo
>It's his exact skin tone, length and girth!
>Dad is so proud of me
>My sister is making the Mishima closet float boat for the road
>my uncle is the Toyota mechanic but he can't find Haynes for the trucklet
This is worse than Christmas being canceled, Ameribros
Grandma is going to be so upset I didn't make it this year
Books for this feel?

[Anonymous No.19931766]

>bookwyrm guarding the magic realism section again
why do we pay levy again?

[Anonymous No.19931783]

>>19931766
Gold, but only if you have enough to not insult it. It's better to pay nothing and not read Borges than to underpay and get eaten alongside your small stack of bars because it's grumpy and can smell your additional metallic content.

[Anonymous No.19931786]

>>19930739
Ah wholesome Christian kino my favorite

[Anonymous No.19931794]

>>19931707
>>19930739
Dude same thing happened to me a Mishima con but with no women the were just by standers filming

[BUTTERCUMFLY No.19931817]

>>19931786
I do get hard at making these antichristian threads though

[Anonymous No.19931833]

who the fuck keeps giving Br literature to the inter-dimensional monkeys?
the little fuckers are telling me they plan to meddle in this years' elections
now we are going to become an even greater meme...

[Anonymous No.19932170]

My local library is the worst. They're too cheap to pay for regular books so instead they pay these English lit majors slave wages to write books specially just for the library. Sure, they fill the shelves up, but the books themselves are such garbage

[Anonymous No.19932202]

>>19928007
>I'm honestly considering just getting my books off Amazon at this point.
Well that's not really going to solve the cum problem.

[Anonymous No.19932225]

>>19928007
>can't even open up most of the philosophy books since the pages have been glued together with cum
That's how philosophy books are intended to be. They come that way straight from the manufacturer, dumbass

[Anonymous No.19932229]

Hey guys I tried going to one of those "little free library" things and now I'm stuck, the only food in here is a greasy McDonald's wrapper someone left between a copy of "lolita" and half of an Aldi circular. Can someone come with a flat bar and pry me out?

[Anonymous No.19932318]

>checking out more than ten books at a time banned after some German manlet stood on a stack to hang himself
>library card suspended after requesting a copy of Culture of Critique for the catalog

[Anonymous No.19932345]

>little wooden book exchanges have been mysteriously popping up over night all around town
>people have actually started using them, everybody is reading outside together
>its turning into some big cultural event like pokemon go
>notonmywatch.fgardner
>just bought 700 copies of Call of the Crocodile

[Anonymous No.19932553]

>>19930739
I think I checked out a doujin similar to this a few months back

[Anonymous No.19932606]

>>19929103
well, it was very well done. The idea of milking ink cows inside a library is absolutely hilarious to me, idk why

>>19929145
>>19929161
>>19929166
thanks for the recs! Looks nice

[Anonymous No.19932631]

>>19930112
>>19930137
Kek

[Anonymous No.19932652]

>>19932345
Are these any good? I see his stuff advertised here so much I just assumed it'd be trash

[Anonymous No.19932710]

>>19932652
i plead the fifth

[Anonymous No.19932757]

>>19932710
You're better off pleading the eighth

[Anonymous No.19933147]

>>19927744
You think that's bad? I was one hour late, I told the witch clerk, "it's no big deal" and now my left foot is rotting and every fifth word I say is a croak.
I wish they stopped hiring Romanians.

[Anonymous No.19933237]

>>19923852
>Dropped the only copy of local townships mortuary records into my tomato soup in the libraries foodcourt

[Anonymous No.19933272]

>>19927227
KeK

[Anonymous No.19933282]

>>19933237
That's only really a problem if some of them aren't actually dead.

[Anonymous No.19933288]

Just shower at home. The smell is a sign of power

[Anonymous No.19933314]

>Man-at-arms position to the Renaissance Era Hermetic text section keeps getting filled
>I have to keep murdering them with a bec-de-corbin to get in
Fucking stop taking applications dammit. Trying to get the pick out before the local gendarmes come around is eating into my time too much

[Anonymous No.19933405]

>>19930101
Holy shit kek

[Anonymous No.19933530]

>>19931594
0-590-99732-7

[Anonymous No.19933558]

>library door often held open
>today it's closed, took a lot of effort to open since the door is heavy
>goes to the computer to look for Scifi
>Atlas shrugged is checked out today

[Anonymous No.19934935]

>hiding in the ceiling of the library lactation room
>havin a cheeky wank
>watching the sows
>[fappin intensifies]
>knock the tile i'm on loose with my writhing, manic orgasm
>fall into the midst of it all
>naked, but the sweat and semen covering my body
>the sows rear up and stampede, wanton destruction everywhere
>like a bull in a china shop, but it's a library
>cheese it outta there, stealing ANOTHER copy of Management and Welfare of Farm Animals

Call me Charlie Sheen boys, cuz I just can't stop #winning