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2023-11: Warosu is now out of extended maintenance.

/lit/ - Literature

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1953619 No.1953619 [Reply] [Original]

can someone tell me if my sentence is grammatically correct? also— what do you think of it as a short story? is it good? what should i change? well— here it is. hope you like it!

>> No.1953621

oops! here it is: Justin Bieber—in an alternate reality where YouTube doesn’t exist and he lives in a near-rural suburb outside Central Florida and has since 3rd grade been the area’s iconic target of homophobia and where ~40% of his musical talents have manifested instead as social anxiety disorder and irritable bowel syndrome, leaving him, at 15, completely friendless and increasingly baffled at why he exists though somehow still determined to create music videos—staring at his older brother who is supposed to be filming him (this only after 3 weeks of ‘begging,’ pretty much, and then the compromise that he wear a shirt that says either “heroin” or “LSD” for the duration of filming in addition to paying his older brother $75 for the 15-minute drive to-and-from the park and the 5 minutes of footage which Justin Bieber hopes to incorporate into his future music videos so that at least some parts won’t seem obviously self-shot) but is instead idly rereading old text messages from his drug dealer, and doing other things that are not filming, which Justin Bieber senses after ~40 seconds (partly because of his older brother’s strangely focused expression but mostly because the iPhone has been egregiously facing an area almost a full 90 degrees to Justin Bieber’s left) and which, finally, Justin Bieber is going to remain silent about, for the first time, as he commits, now, to a life in which he does everything himself, trusts no one in anything, and suppresses—privately redirects—all his disappointments and complaints and confusions into [he isn't certain what yet but thinks it might not be music videos, might not even be anything artistic, but might be something like carpentry or mountain climbing or probably the breeding and caring for of small pets like tropical fish or ants].

>> No.1953633

ok guys! any thing good here? this bored is really slow by the way

>> No.1953638

>>1953633

/lit/ goes as fast as it needs to

>> No.1953640

>>1953638
wait— but no critique on my thing?

>> No.1953646

anybody?

>> No.1953650

>>1953640
This isn't a story. There's no story going on. You didn't even make it a story, it's just you supposing a hypothetical alternate life of Justin Bieber.
As far as grammatically correct, holy fuck no. Comma splices and incorrect use of commas all over the place. I started to edit it and just stopped because of the headache it was giving me. Taking your words into my brain and trying to understand them was like trying to chew dogshit.

>> No.1953651

Justin Bieber? Seriously?

>> No.1953652

I get the sense it might be saying something, but I can't really glean any meaning out of it. Sort of one gigantic clusterfuck of a run-on sentence. It's like watching a train-wreck in slow-motion.

Sorry. I know that's pretty harsh. But there it is.

>> No.1953653

i thought it was pretty funny, op

>> No.1953654

>>1953652

Actually, no, I've re-read it a few times now, and it's pretty alright. It's definitely got some good ideas.

Just, jesus fuck, edit that shit. As is, it's completely unreadable.

>> No.1953658

i'm no guy who knows nothing about grammar, but i personally found it quite easy and enjoyable to read.

>> No.1953657

>>1953652
Too kind in my opinion, if it was written seriously

>> No.1953655
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1953655

thanks guys— i guess i'll stop writing forever

>> No.1953661

>>1953650
>Taking your words into my brain and trying to understand them was like trying to chew dogshit.

I agree with this, but I think it was more runny and less turgid than dog shit. I would have said pig shit, or maybe the shit of cows. Cow shit is almost always diarrheic, and it falls quite a way to the ground, without little care for restraint from the defecator.

That's what OP's post is. Liquid, formless shit falling in a sickening splat to the ground.

>> No.1953663

>>1953658

> NO guy who knows NOTHING about grammar

So you know quite a bit about grammar, then, is what you're saying?

>> No.1953666

>>1953661

It's really not that bad. You can vaguely see where this would make a paragraph or two of pretty decent Don Delillo-ish prose, if it weren't a big run-on sentence.

>> No.1953667

>>1953663

maybe

>> No.1953668

>>1953655
You should do that. Refrain from touching a pencil and pressing a key or anything that can delineate the smallest resemblance of a letter, and thereby leading to a potentially periculous felony of you ending up writing a whole goddamned sentence.

>> No.1953670
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1953670

> ctrl+f "turgid dog shit"
> 1 result

Never change, /lit/. Never change.

>> No.1953685

>>1953621
Oh, it's most definitely Tao. Either him or someone trying most incredibly hard to match his style and hallmark traits.

His twitter reflects, even if by only single words and phrases, what he has posted here. Check it out.

I suspect the detractors may be him also, and someone of his ilk.

Oh, the decadence.

>> No.1953687

>>1953685

I'm one of the "detractors"
>>1953652 and >>1953654
and I ain't him.

Did I just get fucking trolled by Tao Lin?

>> No.1953688

>tao lin trying to write like DFW
aUHEHAEUAUHEEEEEEEHUEUUHea

>> No.1953700

>>1953685
It's old, from May or something. Could be anyone posting.

>> No.1953704

>>1953640

how do you do an emdash