/lit/ - Literature

[Poetry Thread No.18499069]

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[Anonymous No.18499076]

Branches of leaves whoosh
And smack against one another
Expelling fresh pollen!

While something inside of bushes
Bustles and causes
Fertile dust to spread 'round.

A garden shows off her colour,
The worker bees are turned on;

They pin a picture of her
Upon their lunch-room wall.

[Anonymous No.18499094]

>>18499076
Didn't get it but I liked the atmosphere

When pressure hits and pain erupts
Serenity it interrupts
Though it shall not be made well-known
As long as I remain alone
It's only when you come my dear
That I reveal one lone tear

[Anonymous No.18499171]

>>18499094
Its just about Summer and pollen, maybe this will help? I titled it "Orgy"
Regarding your poem it is simple and I like it but feels too short or like it could be a part of a little collection of love poems, that'd be nice.

[Anonymous No.18499261]

>>18499171
Oh I see. I thought so initially but then in your last stanza I thought there was a reference to some kind of unrequited love that I was missing. I like it more now that I understand it.

[Anonymous No.18499297]

>>18499076
>Branches of leaves whoosh
i appreciate woosh but this is probably the most common poetic image without much embelishment
>Expelling fresh pollen!
makes me wanna sneeze just thinking about it. the last four lines work seperately and have the only real value.
>>18499094
>Serenity it interrupts
>one lone
bit awkward and seems like theyre only there to make it work
>my dear
eh

[Anonymous No.18499335]

>>18499297
>makes me wanna sneeze
Funny you say that I actually got the idea for this while suffering from a hayfever attack while walking through nature. It kinda gave me a hyper-awareness of the pollen being in that shitty state.

[Anonymous No.18499411]

>>18499297
>like theyre only there to make it work
Yeah, I kinda kept them as kinks to disrupt or draw attention but it's not done well. E.g. "That I reveal one lone tear" could've been "That I shall shed a lonely tear" to remove the spondee and keep the rhythm but I'm trying to play with things with little success

[Anonymous No.18499420]

>>18499076
I liked the last two verses, funny.

>>18499094
like the idea but you could execute it more originally


The child with a million empty ideas
Carefully cusps bubbles
Scared of the pop
Then carelessly crushes puddles
Not knowing the drop

They'll be your friend
And you'll think they can fly
But it's nothing so dramatic
You'll turn and they'll be gone
Turns out they were imaginary all along

[Anonymous No.18499844]

>>18499076
kek

[Anonymous No.18500105]

>>18499420
The last line feels lazy, you should want the reader to come to the conclusion that they weren't real themselves. Its also just not a great way to end a poem, reminds me of a short story ending with "then he woke up" you know?
Your concepts should explore themselves and exist to their own, the addition of a narrator explaining everything in the last line takes us out of that conceptual and somewhat abstract world into something rigid and tight.
Of course, these "rules" aren't bible and they could be used effectively - in your poem, however, it serves it no good.
I like stanza one line 2-4, really lovely stuff.
I would work on this one more!

[Anonymous No.18500109]

>>18500105
*broken effectively. Apologies

[Anonymous No.18500125]

>>18499420
I liked your ending unlike the other anon but I didn't like the ending for the first stanza. Felt like you were looking for a corresponding line for the 3rd line, but "not knowing the drop" is vague. If anything, it makes me think of dubstep.

[Anonymous No.18500143]

>>18499076
Do not say I attended and orgy and fucked both men and women. Say the bees are in the bushes. Good one!

>>1849909
My first thought was physical pain. Because it erupts and there is no serenity. Like a bulging disc. Horrible stuff man.

>>18499420
I imagine fairies in the forest

-----
Now it is time for science
Very sciency and incredible!
With common household appliances
I will make these darlings edible

One part boiled pure water
Two parts juice from grape
Crush the seeds in a mortar
Set to cool a four hour wait

Avoid exposure to light
Add garlic clove chopped fine
A half hour sounds about right
Remember to stir it sometime

Through the mesh of a cloth
This one is a wrap
I proudly pass this broth
I'm happy bout' that!

You need more Morning glory
Less Hawaiian Baby Woodrose
Before the end of the story
Don't you diddle the dose!

[Anonymous No.18500159]

>>18500143
Of those deserving boast
Morning Glory has the right
it was almost as imposed
When hidden in plane sight
Legally bought
A seed for the pot
A seed for the taught
Truly I say
You have smuggled LSA
We stand in salute
Thank you for your service
By the foot of your root
The police cannot search us

With one flower completed
I have a resumption
Well handled and untreated
Fit for human consumption

A shipment of spawn
From coast to my meadows
An entheogen for axon
Hawaiian Baby Woodrose

The government makes laws
If I'm allowed to import any
Rules never read because
None remembers that many

I went ahead and ordered
The shipment must get here
Spirits protect the letter!
Fearing custom's confiscation
Nervous, I sit in anticipation
More than 200 have I hoarded
Arrived at my doorsteps
Every single one that boarded

[Anonymous No.18500174]

>>18500143
>>18500159

>Do not say I attended and orgy and fucked both men and women. Say the bees are in the bushes. Good one!
What?
Your poem is okay. I like the sterile vibe it gives however it sort of drags. You could either shorten it down or make the transition from one image or stanza to the next more exciting. The tone and rhythm is monotone after a stanza or two... the vibe and message of the poem is of no interest to me, psychedelics are fun if you're into drugs but to write directly ABOUT them is kinda whack. Its cheap and easy and has been done to death.

[Anonymous No.18500201]

>>18500105
>>18500125
Thanks for the critique guys, agree on both counts.

[Anonymous No.18500214]

>>18500201
No worries. If you end up changing anything you should post it. Best of luck guy:)

[Anonymous No.18500262]

>>18500174
I interpreted bees ans bi, bisexuals. They just love the nature. He or she, doesn't matter. Maybe I was just reading too much into it. Still though, like, Link from legend of Zelda, anyone can do that. Like, back in 2010, when emo was very important, that was a look, you know. You don't have to be gay to like do THAT one.

I will consider your advice. I'm no expert on this. Would you be so kind as to provide and example. I mean, first off, they are recipies aren't they? The poetry is more of a tool. But then again, like Morning Glory and HBWR are psychedelics, they are so incredible in themselves, the poem isn't over before you ingest. In my opinion.

You probably want emotions and stuff. That was not these poems. But you know, I try to get some dad jokes in there, like, sifting it through a cloth and say it is a wrap.

And I think it is also a point, you know, there is a substance that utterly opens your mind to all kinds of experiences, some would say contact with God. ANd government and establishment is like: Nu-uh, work cuckie-boi! Only caffeine and slave drugs for yoU!

Here I am just handing out the keys to the kingdom man. Just stealthing it up. Like, now you know how to do it to.

[Anonymous No.18500280]

>>18500262
There is definitely a sexual element to my poem but its not me masking the fact ive had an orgy at all. The sexual element is more biological though, not really erotic.
Ill reply to your other stuff in a little bit, if thats okay. I have to go out now!

[Anonymous No.18500576]

>>18499069

Sneed
and
Chuck

Once
fuck
and


.... suck

[Anonymous No.18500808]

>>18500576
Stop posting this crap in every thread

[Anonymous No.18501088]

Warning, we are now entering American hours.

This means contribution will be slow and untalented.

Americans have outbred their higher white poetic talent.

Here comes American poetry!

OOGA BOOGA WUT
OOGA BOOGA BLOOD
Nanana finger on trigger
Nanana cuz I nigger
Sex with women in the cribz
In unemploymentb line for gibs
Neetbux neetbux
Gangstuz gangstuz
Yo homie homie
Hoes blow me blow me
Shooting my gun
Killing for fun
Very criminal stuff
And I can't get enough
And I don't like the cops
Cuz im robbing these blocks
Stab stab rob
US poetry club

[Anonymous No.18501112]

>>18501088
lol

[Anonymous No.18501155]

>>18501088
this comrade gets it, great satire on the alarmist focus on deaths by shooting in the mainstream media. please write one about stupid enablist fat positive bitches complaining about bloated healthcare prices. oh and you forgot to rhyme nigger with nigger.

been working on a free verse for some time.


What does reason betray

about that which inhabits the clay

so that once organized will say

"I'm walking and observing myself"?

It fashions sentience to convey

to the indivisible the infinitely divisible

which is the difference

between night and day,

sorrowful and gay,

where is safe to stray,

and where not.

[Anonymous No.18501311]

Friend

I was saddened to learn of your demise.

You'll have to forgive my having not buzzed as of late.

Surely you must have known

how it can be for a bee about the hive;

bumbling about and struggling to survive.

but i promise,

if you had not befallen such calamity

on the morrow I would have arrived

before the flowering morning

and that what was between us never changed

and it would have been a delightful surprise

sprawling flower strewn meadows

beheld by dark opal eyes.

[Anonymous No.18501332]

My piece in pieces
As my ill will increases
My spirit ceases
To see

Still when it appeases
Delivers me my releases
It barely ever pleases
To be

>>18499335
hang in there allergy bro
>>18499411
>shall
no
>>18499420
theres something very lovely here. adjectives and adverbs could be shaved off

[Anonymous No.18501377]

>>18501332
Sounds like nursery rhymes

[Anonymous No.18501929]

>>18501332
Works well and gives me a most satisfying catharsis. Good work!

[Anonymous No.18502709]

Fuzzy light splayed through pinkish-red curtains
delicately illuminating a hungover awakening
to the dim blobs of dirty laundry scattered all around
populating a small room with a mattress set on the ground
and other objects littered across the few open spaces
between the mattress and the bookshelf and the mattress and the other bookshelf and little empty spaces between the dresser, filing cabinet and the closet
more space between the table and the laundry
space underneath the table and underneath the stools
and all the omnium-gatherums pricking at my psyche not to make a misstep lest some random substance spills and seeps into the carpet
and a mess develops upon a mess on top of a human-shaped mess
stuck passively conforming to the habitual
the great consistent patterns of life developing that the mess will be blamed for
for it’s no one else’s room just some ego’s human responsibility
and at first I was against the raising growth of apathy
that could touch the outer air from within my state of mind
because circumstances seem dependent on the lives of others’ lives of others wrapped in the same apathy
but who could weather the storm better
but now I have become at least partly the apathy
when I manifest such tendencies as when I say things along the lines of
shut that hole in your tent you unlucky camper and talk to me when you’re lucky again but expect more rejection
or
I don’t care how the storm finds you
or manifest apathy simply as
I don’t care

[Anonymous No.18502723]

Ouroboros

The amber leaves falling from the oaken bough
recognize that life is a vain struggle for permanence.
The descending sun, weary and forlorn,
contends that death is a constant collapsing.

What else can one perceive amidst October's rust?
The wind whispers a promise- but of what?
The leaden sky yields no answers.
In the grass of the thicket, a copperhead chases his tail.

[Anonymous No.18503387]

>>18499420
beautiful

the five nations
---
My current iteration
I chew whatever gum makes my jaw strong
I'd quote ancient Greeks but I don't know any
In America

in america we're staying tight
I have running water and free money
matrimony and patricide
The Chinese are right, we do hate our families

There's no more out west
Only inner cities
half our people live on the internet
And God remembers none of it

Bathe the bison in this digital stream
Wash me in numbers
As the train passes by
What are you shooting at

[Anonymous No.18503408]

>>18502723
This was enjoyable but I want to know, why the ouroboros symbology? It’s such an ancient symbol. How does it relate to you today?

[Anonymous No.18503454]

>>18501088

It's like the TV is actually on.

>>18501155

Is this about cells upjumping to false sapient?

Work in progress from earlier

The Mass! THE MASS! The All-Consuming Mass
Techno-Blind Utopians
Devolving up their ass
Amoeboid in discernment
Insensate to impression
Troglodytes on couches
Vainly binging through depression

Caress the mouse and kiss the screen
A social life of Zoom
Just eat and drink and watch and sleep
Just click and click and coom
Have anything you want at all
Delivered to your room*
(*This offer voids deliverance
From existential doom)

What about your dog? Your dogs?!
An endless line of dogs
Executives in portraiture
A lifetimes' glut of dogs
Predeceased by "furry kids"
Then eulogized by dogs!
Pall-born by a sled team
Jesus Christ, your fucking dogs

[Anonymous No.18503496]

>>18499420

I also disagree with the first anon, I think the taking out of the immersion aspect of your closing line is appropriate for that piece. The longer you make it, the better that'll work. Also, the other anon is right, I'm not digging the closing to the first stanza, which is otherwise a spicy meataball.

[Anonymous No.18503654]

>>18503387
Good poem, the transition between the first two stanzas is really cool.

>>18503454
Like the poem. The last stanza it’s weird but I enjoyed it a lot.

———————

Shakespeare is mad
He caught me with another woman
Shakespeare is mad
He is threatening to tell my wife
So I put him down
I throw him into the fire
And my wife knows
Something’s wrong
She walks around the house
Like a crab snapping at anything that moves
Maybe I should just tell her,
And face the music infernal red.

[Anonymous No.18503715]

>>18503387
Don’t really get the final stanza but otherwise I like it a lot, the matrimony and patricide line is clever


Amor Fati sive Deus

Nostalgia is the only sin.
What thought besides the one that wants what cannot be could spit at God
with so much venomous spite?
A thought so feeble and absurd
It cannot even leave the mind
And remake what once was

The wicked drink their punishment
Out of their own depravity
They live, at least, in the real world
Accepting God, reality

Nostalgic ones refuse to live,
The world is not enough for them
But weak-willed wistfulness
Cannot defeat divine designs
They wish to be a God or die
And what’s the difference?

Either way it’s an escape,
A flight from fruitless striving,
And God absorbs the dead in peace,
As neither wants nor wills nor thinks.
To wish what is to be what was
Is nothing but a death-wish

[Anonymous No.18503729]

>>18503454
The last two lines seem to throw off your meter but otherwise I like it

[Anonymous No.18503739]

>>18503654

I have a Gen X cousin 20 years older than me that was essentially a predictive archetype for a good chunk of middle class bachelor degree holding Millennials, transposed into the 90s. Double income, no kids, mental health issues, lavished gross maternal attention on her fucking shitty dogs. Would roll around with them on the floor and baby talk them at Christmas, while the whole family awkwardly tried to ignore the showboating. First human being I ever watched interact with a dog that way and my parents' after event ridicule, my aunt and uncle's silent chagrin, set my mood decidedly against that kind of conduct. Dogs are wonderful but that's not a human/dog relationship, it's clearly a projection of misplaced affection and even to a child that shit is only appropriate for babies. The fact any peer aged woman I meet 26 to 35 has a good 35%+ chance of emulating THE yearly family embarrassment of 1998 to 2004 eternally rubs my ass raw. It's another arrested development marker for our bug man coevals, along with the consumerism and lowwittery.

[Anonymous No.18503758]

>>18503729

I don't think it does, but if this thread is alive tomorrow, I'll give you a vocaroo reading. I don't generally write so 1:1 with how I'd rant about something, but that shit has my speech mannerisms ingrained, especially in that stanza.

[Anonymous No.18503772]

>>18503758
>>18503729

Actually, I see what you're talking about, the pall-born line is clipped short. I still think it works though.

[Anonymous No.18503827]

>>18502723
This is really good, and I think the ouroboros connection is relevant and enhances the poem. Great work!

[Anonymous No.18503942]

>>18503654
>>18503715
>good poem, like it a lot
Thanks frens.
>>18503654
tell you the truth I would just break up with her :p
>>18503454
I feel this. Too many big words tho for me
>>18502723
Thank you Ouroboros, very cool. I like the reference to infinity in the final line
>>18502709
dirty and good

this is a data collection sting
---
what street you grew up on
what's your favorite holiday
are you school of hard knocks
and what's your favorite show

i appeal to your nostalgia
everyone's always nostalgic
they tried to call me about cars
i don't have one

everybody's the same
I don't have a car
let's verify your zip code
rest assured sir we'll have thi-

Everybody's the same.
I don't have a car.
What street did you grow up on.
This is your porn name.

[Anonymous No.18504134]

>>18503739
Kek, same as it ever was, you and your parents sound like the typical lower mid class senpai, making enough money to feel superior to others, yet not having enough self awareness to see their own faults.
You are prob cool to hang out with until you start talking behind peoples back.... good luck anon, find the enemy within, work yourself out

[Anonymous No.18504581]

Bump

[Anonymous No.18504731]

>>18501311
Can u review someone’s poem?!?

I liked the bumbling about.... line
You need to read your poem aloud, and edit it

[Anonymous No.18504882]

>>18504134

Awesome psychoanalysis, Farva.

[Anonymous No.18504893]

>>18501332
I liked reciting that

[Anonymous No.18504988]

What are your guys favourite poets/books about poetry?

[Anonymous No.18505322]

>>18504988

Palgrave's Golden Treasury is a great compilation. As is Bloom's Greatest Poems of the English Language, with the introductory essay "The Art of Reading Poetry".

Stephen Fry's "The Ode Less Travelled" (how droll) is a very entertaining overview of meter. He has a good sense of humor and a hobbyist's passion.

[Anonymous No.18505436]

>>18504988
paul fussell's

[Anonymous No.18505454]

When I die, fuck it, I wanna go to hell
Cause I'm a piece of shit, it ain't hard to fucking tell
It don't make sense, going to heaven with the goodie-goodies
Dressed in white, I like black Timbs and black hoodies
God'll prolly have me on some real strict shit
No sleeping all day, no getting my dick licked
Hanging with the goodie-goodies lounging in paradise
Fuck that shit, I wanna tote guns and shoot dice
(You talking some crazy shit now, nigga)
All my life I been considered as the worst
Lying to my mother, even stealing out her purse
Crime after crime, from drugs to extortion
I know my mother wished she got a fucking abortion
She don't even love me like she did when I was younger
(Get a hold of yourself nigga)
Sucking on her chest just to stop my fucking hunger
I wonder if I died, would tears come to her eyes
Forgive me for my disrespect, forgive me for my lies
My baby mother's eight months, her little sister's two
Who's to blame for both of them
(Naw nigga, not you)
I swear to God I want to just slit my wrists and end this bullshit
Throw the Magnum to my head, threaten to pull shit
(Nigga what the fuck)
And squeeze, until the bed's completely red
(It's too late for this shit man)
I'm glad I'm dead, a worthless fucking buddha head
The stress is building up, I can't
(Yo, I'm on my way over there man)
I can't believe suicide's on my fucking mind, I wanna leave
I swear to God I feel like death is fucking calling me
Naw you wouldn't understand
(Nigga talk to me please, man)
You see it's kinda like the crack did to Pookie, in New Jack
Except when I cross over, there ain't no coming back
(Yo, I'mma call you when I get in the car)
Should I die on the train track, like Ramo in Beat Street
People at the funeral fronting like they miss me
My baby momma kissed me but she glad I'm gone
(Put your girl on the phone, nigga)
She knew me and her sister had something going on
I reach my peak, I can't speak
(Yo, you listening to me motherfucker)
Call my nigga Chic, tell him that my will is weak
(Eyo c'mon nigga)
I'm sick of niggas lying, I'm sick of bitches hawkin'
Matter of fact, I'm sick of talking
(BANG)

[Anonymous No.18505462]

When I die, fuck it, I wanna go to hell
Cause I'm a piece of shit, it ain't hard to fucking tell
It don't make sense, going to heaven with the goodie-goodies
Dressed in white, I like black Timbs and black hoodies
God'll prolly have me on some real strict shit
No sleeping all day, no getting my dick licked
Hanging with the goodie-goodies lounging in paradise
Fuck that shit, I wanna tote guns and shoot dice
All my life I been considered as the worst
Lying to my mother, even stealing out her purse
Crime after crime, from drugs to extortion
I know my mother wished she got a fucking abortion
She don't even love me like she did when I was younger
Sucking on her chest just to stop my fucking hunger
I wonder if I died, would tears come to her eyes
Forgive me for my disrespect, forgive me for my lies
My baby mother's eight months, her little sister's two
Who's to blame for both of them
I swear to God I want to just slit my wrists and end this bullshit
Throw the Magnum to my head, threaten to pull shit
And squeeze, until the bed's completely red
I'm glad I'm dead, a worthless fucking buddha head
The stress is building up, I can't
I can't believe suicide's on my fucking mind, I wanna leave
I swear to God I feel like death is fucking calling me
Naw you wouldn't understand
You see it's kinda like the crack did to Pookie, in New Jack
Except when I cross over, there ain't no coming back
Should I die on the train track, like Ramo in Beat Street
People at the funeral fronting like they miss me
My baby momma kissed me but she glad I'm gone
She knew me and her sister had something going on
I reach my peak, I can't speak
Call my nigga Chic, tell him that my will is weak
I'm sick of niggas lying, I'm sick of bitches hawkin'
Matter of fact, I'm sick of talking
(BANG)

[Anonymous No.18506303]

>>18503454
i'm also this guy
>>18501155

>>18503454 not sure what you're asking.
it's just about consciousness and matter, inspired by personal ruminations on the mind body problem.
Your poem is another great satirical piece. pet consumption is in desperate need of critical language.
>Predeceased by "furry kids"
>Then eulogized by dogs!
People really need to stop coping via dogs, it is harmful to the beings of the species, such displaced nurturing instinct drives a feedback loop of dogs. it's too bad dog owners are the most sensitive and stupid people on the planet.

Here's my rewrite. I thought my intention was just darkly and humorously dramatizing a bee I found dead on the floor but then i became aware of some less-than-conscious contents that were emerging. i am not a poet, by far.

Dearest friend
It saddened me to learn of your demise.
And I regret having not buzzed as of late.
But surely you understood?
Or maybe surmised.
How busy the bee can be about the hive:
bumbling about his struggle to survive.

Our blood ran thicker than honey
and had you not befallen such calamity
on the morrow I would have arrived.
And the gold streaked morning
dawned on delightful surprise.
sprawling blossom strewn meadows
beheld by dark opal eyes.

[Anonymous No.18506347]

>>18506303
shit that first reply is supposed to be to >>18504731

[Anonymous No.18506556]

>>18503454
It was nice for the first 2 stanzas, then the 3rd stanzas made it better.
>>18506303
I like both the idea and the execution.


Collapsing from the inside
Brick by brick
Frightened eyes and opened wide
Darkness by a creek

Weakened under heavy lids
Loud like a stab
Weighty organs ageing kids
Yeah I got the jab

[Anonymous No.18507038]

>>18506556
I like the snappy ending but the first stanza doesn’t really do anything to build to it meaningfully so the impact isn’t as strong as it could be.

I’m >>18499420


~~~~
Sweat dripping off a cool beam
Gusts caress my bristles
Spotlight fries my back
Feet been grazed by thistles

Watched the world through the foliage
Sat in the park all afternoon
Fell asleep while the tide was rising
Woke up to a burning moon

On a bench at dusk
Harmonised with the river
Sung till my lungs gave out
Drank till I had no liver

[Anonymous No.18507699]

Bump

[Anonymous No.18508471]

last bump

[Anonymous No.18508704]

Last last bump

[Anonymous No.18508749]

>>18508704
This isn’t even allowed come on man. If the thread dies the thread dies, and no it’s not the fault of those who don’t rate. Those who don’t rate are my favorite posters

[Anonymous No.18509470]

One last bump
A call to post
Let it die
Or not I hope

[Anonymous No.18509594]

>>18509470
Another post
faithful reply
a call heard
answer supplied

[Anonymous No.18509620]

>>18509594
No I'm serious come on guys. This thread was dead long ago, and no it's not the fault of those who are irate. Those irate posters are my favorite posters.

[Anonymous No.18509635]

>>18509620
insipid lies
a hundred fold
false prophet
wrath fortold

[Anonymous No.18509771]

>>18509620
I appreciate the attempt, but irate is not the right word. Especially considering that the gatekeepers of the “no rate=no feedback” rule are bitchy, irate motherfuckers—I have the screenshots to prove it. Thanks anyways, whatever gets your spirit churning

[Anonymous No.18509861]

>>18509594
just some friendly advice, you really should study meter and how it impacts reading of poems. the first line of your poem establishes a meter of unstressed-stressed-unstressed-stressed so when reading line 2 your brain automatically falls into this pattern, now the word "faithful" has a stress at the beginning but because of the pattern your brain reads it "faith-FUL" with the stress on the second syllable which sounds completely wrong and throws the reader off. it happens again with line 4 where your brain reads "answer" as "an-SWER" which is wrong again.

see how much nicer this is to read:

Another post
I do reply
a call heard
and so supplied

[Anonymous No.18510021]

>>18509861
wow i appreciate this.
ahem.

thanks to you
mine ears define
the better sound
so near divine

[Anonymous No.18510052]

>>18499069
My balls are erect
Your mom, she regret
Fuck ing me (eminem cadence)

[Anonymous No.18510081]

>>18510021 no. wait.

thanks to you
my ears can find
the nicer sound
so near divine

[Anonymous No.18510109]

I come to the board, I search for a thread.
I've got an opinion which I want to spread.
I've read a new book, I am here to plug it.
OP says it's shit; OP is a faggot.

[Anonymous No.18510172]

>>18510081
nice, sounds a lot better!

[Anonymous No.18510177]

>>18509861
I want to know what poetry you enjoying reading. Do all of your favorite poets, or poems, conform to this significance of meter?

[Anonymous No.18510214]

>>18509594
>>18509620
>>18509635
samefag

[Anonymous No.18510219]

>>18510214
and what kind of fag are you

[Anonymous No.18510355]

Hey /lit/, English is not my fist language, and I have zero experience with poetry. Can you guys indicate for me some good poetry books(~3) that goes from novice tier to advanced-intermediary? I want something that is more classical, not something that is post-modern and "innovative"(don't even now if it is the proper designation).
I would also thank you if you could indicate some good video on how to properly read/declaim English poetry, just so I can understand barely the rhythm.

[Anonymous No.18510368]

>>18509594
A dying post.
I shall reply.
The call was heard,
And help supplied.
>BTFO

[Anonymous No.18510388]

>>18510177
i am a big fan of traditional poetry that uses meter yes, but my taste isn't really relevant here. it is an undeniable fact of biology that when reading >>18509594 the word "faithful" is read "faith-FUL" and not "FAITH-ful" like how the word should be read, and this dissonance definitely throws the reader off and hurts the flow of the poem. this can be used for effect, but i know that wasn't the intention here so i thought i'd point it out.

[Anonymous No.18510404]

>>18499076
does this really interest you or did you just want to write about pollen? last line is nice tho
>>18499094
a nice little poem a few lines could be cut
>>18507038
i like this one rhymes dont feel too forced and the story is there

peace below the pastel indigo
lying there none ask to go
life's approach assured
unrecognized even as the ears have heard
the id drifts below the moss
down the wading rivulet to elysium
our urgency is lost
fading into a solemn hymm

[Anonymous No.18510413]

>>18509861
>>18510388
I'm at a complete loss as to how you guys are not noticing the much bigger issue – a total breakdown of tempo in the thrd line which features 3 syllables instead of 4 found in other lines.

[Anonymous No.18510425]

>>18510388
Who the fuck emphasizes the second syllable of faithful

[Anonymous No.18510445]

so yall gonna post a poem or...

[Anonymous No.18510455]

>>18510413
There are still 2 metrical feet so it's ok it's just not strict

[Anonymous No.18510481]

>>18510455
No, it's not OK – the flow is broken.

[Anonymous No.18510501]

>>18510455

Compare them:
>>18509594
>>18510368
Concede defeat

[Anonymous No.18510507]

>>18510481
Not the heckin flowerino
Not the floofy meter boy

[Anonymous No.18510536]

>>18510413
of course i saw that but honestly that one i don't mind as much, the tempo breaks down sure but when it's re-established on the last line the effect is enhanced so you could argue that break is used for effect, compared to my criticism which i know wasn't intended for effect.

>>18510425
the reader subconsciously does it after reading the first line

[Anonymous No.18510549]

>>18510536
Oh wow I'm retarded and didn't read your post properly

[Anonymous No.18510634]

I came for poetry to comfy /lit/,
But all I read was putrid shit.
No rhyme, no flow, no even tempo.

It seemed to me, the best of us
Had perished or had lost their class
When witnessed I, a master come.

He wrote his verses with bravado,
Expecting anons to chant, "Bravo!"
Instead, replies were "You are garbage".

And as he read the words of shame
That criticised his claim to fame,
He typed in fury "Fuck off, niggers!"

[Anonymous No.18510661]

>>18510536
>the tempo breaks down sure but when it's re-established on the last line the effect is enhanced
Having read the poem many times, I have not noticed this work once. I'm not avant-garde enough for this shit, I suppose.

[Anonymous No.18510673]

Porcelain Doll
-------------------

Lacerated sinuses
Inhaling specks of impurities
Dry mouth a brilliant pale colour

Let it stream down
That little piece of me
Germinating from the narrow cave a vibrant crimson

Let the flower bloom
Give it the chance to moisten with their dew
Your beautifully tormented lips

May they be forever etched into your memories
Red on porcelain so vividly
Let them grow until you are no more

Thick droplets fall onto the floor
Like clockworks ticking
Painting the tips of your blank toes

May your heart stop in that very state
A puppet of flesh
Forever beautiful

[Anonymous No.18510739]

With forgetful ease,
the forgotten tease of shapeless days pass by
And I feel them hesitate sometimes and whisper their concordance of slight gestures in glass
They are mine,
and drift still with the irregularity of wine and doors, in constructed mythologies of evening reflections,
long since gone by

[Anonymous No.18510797]

>>18510739
this is prose not poetry

[Anonymous No.18511267]

>>18510797
It’s not mine. It’s a poem from the book, House of Leaves. So technically it is a poem. But perhaps ultimately it isn’t

[Anonymous No.18511809]

>>18510404
>does this really interest you
Yes

[Anonymous No.18512036]

>>18510413
This. Changing from iambic to trochaic can happen all the time especially at the beginning but the 3rd line disrupts the reading more for me.

[Anonymous No.18512639]

>>18510634

If this came out wholesale, it's alright. Putrid is a bargain bin bad smell descriptor and "putrid shit" reads like Netflix Castlevania dialogue, so I hope it's not something you've been workshopping. There's also plenty of offerings in this thread with meter and rhyme, so enjoy them.

[Anonymous No.18512659]

>>18509635

This reads like you wrote the last line first
An offering pulled, half-grown, from the earth.
I'd rate it as "subpar", but far above the worst.
Take the appraisal. Rewrite. Grow its worth.

[Anonymous No.18513708]

>>18499069

Over a mimosa just now at breakfast.

You sit and wait, uneased and all aquiver
Praying someone comes along, to you from death deliver
But vain, so vain is this coward's idle hope
Hesitation now is just a footpath to the rope

You must stand. STAND! Upon the feet you're given.
No surrogate becomes you when your fear must be self-shriven.
Rise, you poorman's poet, rise and heat this dying art.
The fires are surely fading. Catch your wind and breathe your heart.

[Anonymous No.18513733]

>>18513708

I'm buzzed and continuing.

It is no shame to cultivate a loving cadenced word.
"Anachronism" can't adhere to beauty, that's absurd.
Punch the universal keys, like music on the board.
Fuck the New Conformity, where nothing is adored.

[Anonymous No.18513748]

>>18513733

Buzzing from the PC hive (and yes, that's layered expression)
Digitized, commodified, inauthent rote repression
Snidely do the bug men gyre and gimble in their rage
Unable to appreciate beneath the heading page

[Anonymous No.18513865]

>>18513748

Muses, arm your vessels! Flames to break the falling night.
Let your artifice be shields now, Aegis on the side of right.
St. Anthony! Oh, patron of the lost and wayward things.
Psychopomp as Hermes, save our words on silver wings.

[Anonymous No.18513870]

Cancer spreading across
Your screensaver,
Fade to black

[Anonymous No.18515081]

>>18513870

"Cancer spreads across the screen,
The curtain falls and ends the scene."
He spewed from off his fingertips
On cheesedust keys, with various dips.
Mirth rippled on his second chin,
Self-satisfied with half-assed din.
How does this goblin still survive
Squatting on abused F5.
What a fucking useless jew.
Go ahead and have your (you).

[Anonymous No.18515251]

>>18515081
stupid
>>18513708
nice

tldr;
---
You're listerine puke on the bathroom floor
You're underdone and overcooked
You're something left I can talk to
You're twenty-five minutes that feels like three days
You're raised from the dead but still dead
You're this town
You're what I put out in the recycling bin
You're straight to voicemail
You're my doctor warning
You're friends still laughing
You're my clothes that don't fit
You're a last gasp effort
You're resignation
You're towels and shoes on
You're putting happy on
You're pretending until I believe it
You are so much more
You're not allowed to be said out loud
You are the books she won't read
You're the prison date she never went to
You're when the time runs out
If we still had a little money left
You'd be first in line at the EZ Mart
And what did you get
You're if we had a few more hours
And we made it into a week
Put some shit on the dirt
And just tried not to look at it
You sell what I don't own
You give what I thought I had
It's money at the end
There's nothing left to buy
You're a broken holiday
You're what I deserve
You're me on fire
You can't just die
You're me starving myself
You're every nice thing I did turned inside out
You're listerine puke on the living room floor
You're my new towels soaked in bile
You're a week sober drunk
The things in my trash
I threw out everything
You're what's at the bottom
You're not dead yet
But just waiting
You're a smile on a corpse
No more waiting
You're clout
You're me swinging my big sad dick around
You're me jerking off to Google Images
Even though you don't come up
You're fucking someone else
While I watch cuck porn
While I watch happy familes
While I think what I'd cook you
While I grasp anything
You're anywhere else
While I swallow it
You're talking
I'm too weak to kill myself
So I puke mouthwash in my lap
You're somewhere else
I'll never reach you

[Anonymous No.18515346]

>>18499076
Honestly, with a bit more time, effort and sex jokes, this could've been great.

>>18499094
Pretty fucking good desu

>>18501088
I died lmao
Here's mine. A bit old and not exactly as i wanted it to be, but no matter:

In this cosmic starlight i feel at home
Dancing with the one-legged
Gambling with the dead

With corpses at my feet, death is coming
The cold bite of the barrel is pressed into my head

"Devil knows if i'm awake and alive"
"Devil knows if i'm dreaming or dead"

With bliss i pull the trigger and feel the eternal blue consume me
Stars and emptiness
Their blackened smiles make me feel at ease
And i am home

[Anonymous No.18515369]

And so i gurgled to her, my living misery
She answered with a smile and outstretched her bloody hands
With a burning light in her pure white eyes, she smiled yet again
And she explained that i will soon get scars to call my own
I begged her to stop but we both knew i didn't want her to
These ashes are what i deserve
>>18515251
Actually pretty fucking good, really dark, painful imagery.

>>18513708
Really good. Well-rhymed, poignant choices of words

[Anonymous No.18515593]

>>18515369

There's a chain to follow them, as they occurred.

>>18513733
>>18513748
>>18513865

And thank you. For yours, I'm not sure if you're trying for meter, but the lines flow really well until the last two.

I begged her to stop
>but we both knew i didn't want her to
These ashes are what i deserve

The green seems superfluous. If it was something like

>I begged, but we both knew these ashes are what I deserve

I think that'd be a more succinct improvement. What's this about? I also wouldn't mind you thoughts on

>>18503454 since this is my other serious submission.

[Anonymous No.18515680]

>>18515593
>>18515369

Actually here's the entirety, workshopped a bit and added to.

You sit and wait, uneased and all aquiver,
Praying someone comes along to you from death deliver.
But vain, so vain is this coward's idle hope;
Hesitation now is just a footpath to the rope.

You must stand. STAND! Upon the feet you're given.
No surrogate becomes you when your fear must be self-shriven.
Rise, you poorman's poet, rise and heat this dying art.
The fires are surely fading. Catch your wind and breathe your heart.

It is no shame to cultivate a loving cadenced word.
"Anachronism" can't adhere to beauty, that's absurd.
Punch the universal keys, like music on the board.
Fuck the New Conformity, where nothing is adored.

Buzzing from the PC hive (and yes, that's layered expression) -
Digitized, commodified, inauthent rote repression.
Snidely do the bug men gyre and gimble in their rage,
Unable to appreciate beneath the leading page.

Muses, arm your vessels! Flames to break the falling night.
Let your artifice be shields now, Aegis on the side of right.
St. Anthony! Oh, patron of all lost and wayward things.
Psychopomp as Hermes, guide our words on silver wings.

Sever off that borrowed tongue and drink your vital flood.
Fill the inkwell with it, drown them in aesthetic blood.

[Anonymous No.18515700]

>>18515680

To finish

And if the tyrant hordes arrive to hang you in your place
Chew that sanguine pulp and spit it in their fucking face.

[Anonymous No.18515709]

You only play piano

when you’re drunken

or depressed.

​

You clunk your clumsy fingers,

spilling liquor

down your chest.

​

Your melodies are warped

by your intoxicated

brain.

​

You say your art is nothing

if it isn’t

doused in pain.

​

You only play piano

when you’re hanging

by a thread.

​

I only hear your music

when you wish

that you were dead.

​

But still, I’ll tune the pitch

and gently polish

every key

​

in hope, one day

I’ll hear you play

a pretty song

for me.

[Anonymous No.18515977]

>>18515593
>I'm not sure if you're trying for meter, but the lines flow really well until the last two.
Thank you. I have next to no idea as to what "meter" is, i have absolutely zero experience in poetry. The last two lines are kind of shit, but i failed to find a better way to get their meaning across.
>I think that'd be a more succinct improvement
Maybe, but i think i'd still need that in two lines instead of one. Just a hunch. I dunno.
>What's this about?
Something vague about... i don't know, negativity i suppose.
>What's this about? I also wouldn't mind you thoughts on
"Have anything you want at all
Delivered to your room*
(*This offer voids deliverance
From existential doom)"
Fucking genius lmao. I'm a complete novice in poetry so i'm afraid i can't give you very deep explanations as to why i like it, but i do. The way you mend words together sounds and reads very nicely.

[Anonymous No.18515987]

>>18515709
I really like this. A lot. Post more...?

[Anonymous No.18516137]

I expend
With no end
In sight

I’m broke
By night

Fall
Had it all

Well it's done
Had fun

Who Won?

>>18515709
10/10 best in thread
>>18503942
Cool concept. Don't really like the end product.

Your street
Your Name
Your Phone

Do you
Own a home
Or a car

How far
Do you drive

For what
Do you strive

What keeps
Your alive.

[Anonymous No.18516144]

>>18516137
>Your alive.
You alive

[Anonymous No.18516201]

>>18515977

How old are you? I'm new to any technical understanding of English meter, but the 30,000 foot overview is stress accentuation, long (stressed) and short (unstressed) syllables; think where the emphasis of a two syllable name falls, like David vs. Elise (DAYV-id, ee-LEES). That cadence creates a natural flow in language which a poet purposefully employs: meter. Your impression of my words as reading nicely is your intrinsic sense of what sounds good together in English. And some amount (can't ballpark you, not an expert) of other languages don't have that same stress accentuation mechanism in the linguistics. French for example, which is why American speakers of French tend to sound funny until we really get out of the habit of stressing syllables (BON-jour, bon-JOUR) because French doesn't do that. Symphrosienne is a long ass French name that is even stressed on every syllable.

There's technical terms to learn. To go from the above, David is a trochee (stress-unstressed) and Elise is an iamb (unstressed-stressed). Those are the commonest types of a metric "foot" (2 syllable flow, though there are 3 syllable as well). Rhyming isn't necessary, you can still follow a strict meter without ending on rhymes (blank verse) and you can employ meter in creative ways without strict adherence at all (free verse) But what people like Rupi Kaur do doesn't even rise to the level of free verse. It's non-verse. That doesn't mean there isn't anything worthwhile about their expressed sentiments. But there's nothing artful about those collections about poetry that sets her apart from any random selection of emotionally spewed tweet. You have to master a form to transcend it, is a line I enjoyed from My Name is Asher Lev.

Read The Ode Less Travelled by Stephen Fry. What you're expressing has merit and is already better than Rupi Kaur. But see what you might be able to master and transcend.

[Anonymous No.18516282]

>>18515977

Like, look at this guy's post. >>18515709

It's fucking great. Each stanza could easily read as two lines of seven syllables.

You CLUNK your CLUMsy FINGERS.
SPILLing LIQuor DOWN your CHEST.

Your MELoDIES are WARPED (one syllable word, surprise!)
By YOUR inTOXiCATed BRAIN.

And so on. See the flow? It's regular enough and well done. Communicates his theme beautifully and he knows what he's doing with the brickwork meter to the point that the creative spacing and interjection of that music stuff (too dumb to appreciate that on my end) enhances the overall aesthetic value of the poem. It's good shit. It's innovation with a point rooted in an understanding that there's a fundamental beauty in the language. Not to keep harping on Miss. Kaur, but there's a counter example where the irregular spacing and line breaks are just some sub-dadaiatic middle finger to tradition for the sake of being irreverent alone. Or just lazy. This dude is good.

[Anonymous No.18516550]

>>18516282
Yeah, i really liked the poem the second i read it, the "flow" just seemed very well executed.

>>18516201
18. And a half if we're being precise. I'm also sleepy as fuck and slightly high, so please excuse any temporary drop in my quality of communication. Thank you for all the advice, i've read it, i hope i'll remember it. Do you have any other recommendations besides The Ode Less Travelled to help me build not only a better concious understanding of poetry, but also a better intuition for writing poetry?

[Anonymous No.18517873]

Though this verse is witty and clever

And writing it took no time

It's all anisometric, using meters much as you would a lever

even if I did make it all rhyme.

[Anonymous No.18518054]

>>18515680
>uneased and all aquiver
>praying someone comes along to you from death deliver
Sorry, I can't go any further than this. The grammar is fundamentally revolting

[Anonymous No.18518077]

>>18503739
You're not quite a mass shooter yet but you're well on the way with this levels of pseudery and edge

[Anonymous No.18518082]

>>18502723
>oaken
Just stop and reevaluate your little life sir

[Anonymous No.18518090]

Don't get any big ideas
They're not gonna happen
You paint yourself white
And fill up with noise
But there'll be something missing
Now that you found it
It's gone
Now that you feel it
You don't
You've gone off the rails
So don't get any big ideas
They're not gonna happen
You'll go to Hell
For what your dirty mind
Is thinking

[Anonymous No.18518136]

>>18518090
Praiseworthy to me. Seems utterly cryptic, or perhaps incomplete

[Anonymous No.18518149]

>>18518136
No, it's crap like most of the trash posted here

[Anonymous No.18518159]

>>18516282
>MELoDIES
You are a retard and probably samefagging to praise your shit "poetry"

[Anonymous No.18518161]

>>18518149
If you really knew about that word, you would know that trash can be very interesting to inspect. But I get your point. You can’t help yourself I know. We will bear you

[Anonymous No.18518746]

They don't know meter
The men that come here
They call themselves poets
But the reason isn't clear

And when a real poet posts
the readers disappear

[Anonymous No.18518974]

>>18518159

It'ds okay that you can't scan poetry, dude. Some people just have no ability, you can have other hobbies.

[Anonymous No.18518983]

>>18518077

And how are your fur babies today, ma'am?

[Anonymous No.18519126]

>>18518054

I've got two alternatives, but I think I'll leave those lines in as a filter.

[Anonymous No.18519176]

>>18518090
This is Radiohead

[Anonymous No.18519408]

>>18504134
>making enough money to feel superior to others, yet not having enough self awareness to see their own faults
lmao, I had no clue some tax brackets came with enlightenment. Quick! Tell the Dalai Lama!

[Anonymous No.18519473]

>>18519408

He's also totally wrong, we were the poorer part of my family.

>>18519126
>>18518054

Actually, you're right. I come here for an asshole's honest critique, I should accept it when you're right.

You sit and wait, uneasy in each punctuated breath,
Praying someone stands and thus delivers you from death.

[Anonymous No.18519620]

There is no thing we cannot overcome;
Say not thy evil instinct is inherited, Or that some trait inborn makes thy whole life forlorn,
And calls down punishment that is not merited.

Back of thy parents and grandparents lies,
The Great Eternal Will! That too is thine
Inheritance,—strong, beautiful, divine,
Sure lever of success for one who tries.

* * * * * * *

There is no noble height thou canst not climb;
All triumphs may be thine in Time's futurity,
If, whatso’er thy fault, thou dost not faint or halt;
But lean upon the staff of God's security.

Earth has no claim the soul cannot contest;
Know thyself part of the Eternal Source;
Naught can stand before thy spirit's force:
The soul's Divine Inheritance is best."

-Anonymous

[Anonymous No.18520310]

>>18519620
I dont like canst. I know what you're going for. The butler is reading the poem. Try "There be no cravas that rebjeufs ascending"

------

Did you fart?
From your heart?
Do you have minor detials up your ass?
Dingling little berries...
That jingle when you pass?

[Anonymous No.18520539]

Dark like summer prunes!
Potent magic mushrooms!

The come up is different!
I took such great prehension
I mixed it out with black currant
This is turbulent ascension!

Clear my head!
For I have psilocybes!
To see what hides
Expose the lie
In hidden mines
Deep within the mind

Mind starts to wonder
This be no truffle
No, this is much stronger
There is a joker in the shuffle

Ouhuhu! Maybe it be dangerous?
Perhaps I might get hurt?
Best meditate all rigorous
They're expecting me to work!

This was strong
This was very very strong!
Getting stronger by the hour
Take a short break
Then sit up right
Receiving all this power!

This was no beginners trip
We must find a cooperation
I'll take care of the censorship
Ignore spooky visualization

That clown is looking spooky
It might have sinister motives
But take color and the beauty
Like those shiny neon lotus

It is easy to lose oneself
In someone so fantastic bright
But I am on the wrong shelf
And you will help me make things right

Psiliocin
Deep within
Begins to sing
Myself I am tripsitting

This is a heavy hitter
I almost go astral projection
But I decline the offer
While boarding flying saucer
For I have no sitter
For protection

Someday I'll fly like the birds
Now, not entirely free to roam
remember the words
Don't be afraid to go it alone

Shrooms I should
Often I will choose
Back on track
These are good
Yes this one I can use
I'll be back

These trancending practises
Divination with the additives

This epical snake dance
My chemical romance


>>18518746
I'd say "With reasons unclear".
When he posts "The reader ghosts"

>>18517873
Very meta. Struggling for those (You) and dopamine in a depressed world. Whoever controls the dopamine controls the world.

>>18516137
Very good, I enjoyed this. What more is there to say? You even managed to pose some contemporary questions.

[Anonymous No.18520773]

>>18520539
this poem is an example of anisometry which was taken from a wiki page. People here seemed to be too ignorant of that fact that poetry is still poetry without meter at all. I understand the need to have a hierarchy but not the need to praise any one hierarchy in poetry. The freedom found in expressing myself in poetry is all I need, and has honestly saved me from some of my deepest struggles in this life. I’d even go as far as to say that literally anything that a poet deems to be poetry, is poetry

[Anonymous No.18520783]

>>18520773
and I was talking about this poem>>18517873

[Anonymous No.18520977]

>>18520773

You're 90% of the way to based and I'll put you there on the caveat that you acknowledge poetry's sole universal rule: that it is aspirational. By this, I mean that the writer aspires to a fuller expression of their sentiment, idea, experience, etc. by the employment of language elevated above normal speech by consideration the most beautiful, sincere way of communicating it. You're right that meter, rhymes, convention aren't necessary or set in stone for something to be poetic. But the conveyor belt of twitteresque thoughtstreams that have no intent behind their line breaks or lack of punctuation aren't aspirational language, and the writer of such a thing (even if their sentiment is worthwhile) is not a poet.

[Anonymous No.18522122]

>>18520977
thank you so much for your reply. I really needed this.

Simply put, I think the world needs a particular kind of poet right now. Since I was first introduced to poetry in middle school I’ve had the sense that Poetry seems lame and unnecessary in our contemporary times. I think a lot of people feel this way. But I realize now that we are just figuring out a new form for the content, to express to the world the necessary visions and/or understandings of our collective aspirations that are crucial to our sanity. Right now I don’t see my poetry merely as a tool for pleasure, but more so for purposes of, what I’ll call, “ecstatic therapy”

[Anonymous No.18522392]

>>18522122
I gazed into your verse and knew you were my aesthetic nigga. You could not be echoing my own thoughts of the last couple months more exactly. There's so much that's beautiful in the hundreds of years of our languages poetic tradition, so much good it's capable of in easing suffering. There's a real cathartis in looking at a poem and seeing a reflection of yourself or having something truly epiphanic communicated. The written word is the closest we come to permeating the membrane between us and someone else, and the heights poetry can reach manages it more succinctly than prose of the same quality (not a statement on which medium is better).

But long-winded prose, long and standardized metric poetry, through no fault of its own may pragmatically be something that has to be cast aside for now because I can't imagine it being capable of piercing through the layers of distraction and attention deficit that the masses have. And there are people out there who deserve to be edified by aspirational language because there's such a deficit of it.

[Anonymous No.18523260]

If we ever meet again


merely for me to utter your name
could enliven the forgotten
dread
of our decrepit love

blame me not for reinforcing still
the walls of alienation
that we long ago
imposed

[Anonymous No.18524382]

Picrelated is mine.

>>18523260
Kinda corny desu
>>18520539
I like this, fun to read.