Poetry Thread

[Anonymous No.18414327]

Last one was kill.
No rate = No Feedback.
Have a nice day!

[Anonymous No.18414330]

There are two pots of paint:
Green and red.

One is good
And the other bad.
I stick my feet in;
A foot in either one.

Like this, I will begin to squat and balance
And let my testicles hang
To wave in the breeze
Of outer space.

-
New experiment, thoughts?

[Anonymous No.18414513]

What does /lit/ think of using poetic techniques and meter from non-English poetry in English poetry?
I.E., haiku in english, galdralag in English.
Does it contribute to the art? Does it provide interesting avenues for poets in the modern age? Or does it fall flat?

[Anonymous No.18414517]

>>18414330
I actually kind of like it, though I think you should substitute 'testicles' for 'testes.'

[Anonymous No.18414567]

>>18414513
If done right, could be awesome. That's the hard part though.
>>18414517
Thanks, I'm glad you like it. Thanks for the suggestion too.

[Anonymous No.18414837]

>>18414330
Made me laugh, like it
I hath long lost any hunger
And fell into a deep slumber
Staring into the final ember
Of the faint dance of fire

I hath long lost any feeling
And struggled to find a meaning
The entire world to me seeming
To have given up all desire

I hath long lost any friend
And wandered lonely to no end
By the river’s dimm’d bend
Hoping to spark an ire

I hath long forgot what I had
And thought myself to be mad
Until a soul of golden clad
Appear’d as a flaming pyre

I hath long since woe’d
And to God’s name I call’d
But with silence He replied
Was it her or just the fire?

[Anonymous No.18414867]

A meadow here flows calmly by,
A sea of grass,
A sea of rye.

The sky unfolds above my head,
I rest myself,
Upon this bed.

No sin to curse the awe of day,
Away from dark
My soul shall lay.

-I'm new to all this, what do you think?-

[Anonymous No.18414868]

>>18414837
I'm not sure what I quite know what this one is about. I don't think the repetition of hath works well, but there is some good imagery here "river's dimm'd bend". My advice would be try to focus more on the technical aspects.

Mine:
Consumes from Within

Every feigned smile, stitched into place,
Waxwork. Something beneath was hidden.
Those marbled eyes, shining lake of illusions,
Concealed. Behind, the object of despair.
Each stencilled word, to coat carefully,
Oblivion. Silently rose in greeting.
This yawning abyss, black, came to
Swallow. Fantasy of being human.
This shell, nothing now. Find a new mask,
Pretend.

[Anonymous No.18414893]

>>18414868
Well to exactly explain what it is about id say its a mix of my god awful physical state for the past week or so mixed with some of my other thoughts
Yours I like and it kinda reminded me of some eldritch horror I've taken into liking lately, don't know how to exactly explain it. I like it tho.

[Anonymous No.18414941]

>>18414837
>Made me laugh, like it
Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Your poem is superb, one of the better ones I've read this year period. Thanks for sharing, I don't have any critique. The images felt personal to the subject but also deeply relatable to me, the reader, love that.

>>18414867
>I'm new to all this, what do you think?
I want to give feedback really badly but you should read the OP. No rate, no feedback. Everyone else does it, you should too, you know?

>>18414868
Structure way off. Feels half-baked and janky.
>Find a new mask,
>Pretend.
Good but doesn't mean anything really in context of the weird structure (not justified because its not working here). Maybe you should try and refine this poem.

[Anonymous No.18414952]

>>18414941
How am I supposed to give good feedback if I am new? Wouldn't amateur feedback be destructive?

[Anonymous No.18414954]

>>18414941
Thanks man, I really appreciate the kind words and it means a lot.

[Anonymous No.18414965]

>>18414952
No, and you should always use the chance to express yourself on any topic, especially on poetry and writing in general. If you can't express an opinion on art, how are you going to express art at all?

[Anonymous No.18414969]

>>18414330
I would find a word other than "stick" that really captures the vibe. Plunge? Dunk? Dip? Stick to me doesn't capture the visual, and I wish there were something to describe the feeling of the paint, or the splash, or whatever. Something to make the paint a tangible liquid to the reader. To materially ground the abstract.
>>18414517
I like testicles better.
>>18414867
I like the first verse. It's visual and visceral. It drops off after that for me. Too abstract. If you stayed with the bed in the field, it would be cool. But the way it is now we have suddenly left this scene to someone in bed talking in generic terms about their soul. Keep going! You show promise fren. But work on more exactitude in what you're trying to say. Even if it is conceptual poetry, make sure a concept is really being conveyed, and make the images and scene inextricable from that concept, like the idea is the very soil from which the rye grows.
>>18414868
Why the stitches if you are a waxwork? Marbled is for meat: I see steakballs for eyes. Shining lake of illusions is cool. "Each stencilled word to coat oblivion" is nice. Black yawning abyss, shell and mask are overdone to describe modern alienation. You've got some really nice lines in there. As with others, I would recommend getting better at conveying one striking image/idea at a time. Even Shakespeare didn't start mixing metaphors till late in his career.

[Anonymous No.18414976]

>>18414868
More in depth critique that may help understand why I didn't enjoy it so much:

>Marbled eyes, shining lake of illusions.
You start off strong here with marbled eyes but this shiny lake of illusions doesn't actually do anything for me. This image is too broad and
doesn't work in this context.

>Concealed. Behind, the object of despair .Each stencilled word, to coat carefully, Oblivivion.
Word salad, doesn't move the poem along and just feels like vapid ramblings. No images are presented and nothing thought provoking is really said. If you have a point here, try trim it down to its bare form, it will shine like a diamond if its worth anything.

>yawning abyss
Is good. I like this image.

Your main issue is falling into rambling and word salad. Structure doesn't make much sense either.

[Anonymous No.18414988]

>>18414969
>I would find a word other than "stick" that really captures the vibe. Plunge? Dunk? Dip? Stick to me doesn't capture the visual, and I wish there were something to describe the feeling of the paint, or the splash, or whatever. Something to make the paint a tangible liquid to the reader. To materially ground the abstract.
This is perfect. Yes! I was looking for the right word and felt the exact same thing was missing thank you.
>I like testicles better.
Me too :)

[Anonymous No.18415004]

>>18414952
You like a poem, you say "i like this poem", maybe you might think of a reason you like it.
Don't like one? Tell the guy why, it will help him even if you think it doesn't matter.

[Anonymous No.18415237]

I am stumbling and bullrushing my way through what seems to be an original poetic meter that I've developed myself. I'm kind of sniffing my way forward through it. The more I write it, the more I seem to figure out what it entails, how it should sound, where to put the strong syllables and the weak syllables, where the long and the short sounds go. It's like feeling my way forward as a blind man, poetically speaking. I basically started out with a syllable number I wanted to reach, and have been constructing an actual metrical format from that number ever since.

[Anonymous No.18415289]

I love you
So so so very much
If you knew how much
Your expectations
Would be exceeded
Even if slightly so
But even so
Please please please
Please for my sake
For anyones sake
For everyones sake
For once, take a shower

[Anonymous No.18415326]

I love you
So so very much
If you knew how much
Your expectations
Would be exceeded
Even if slightly so
But even so
Please please please
Please for my sake
For anyones sake
For everyones sake
We beg of you please
To please for once
Take a shower

[Anonymous No.18415420]

>>18414867
I agree with >>18414969 that it flies the coop a little bit after the first verse, which I also agree that I liked. That said, I might change it to a two line scheme and try something like

> A meadow here flows calmly by.
> A sea of grass and golden rye.

with the little change so that "a sea of" is no longer repeated.

[Anonymous No.18415470]

>>18415237
ooh im also developing a new form
trade an example for an example?

[Anonymous No.18415505]

>>18414837
was it her or just the fire?
cool shit, I like it

This is a modern folk ballad in the vein of bob dylan, that old white guy your old white parents love:

Stone throat can't thirst
It hurts to think back
On tear ducts burst
And passion burn'd black
His limbs stay stuck
His body's turn'd ash

What's done is done
All left is impasse

Don't rush
(he rusted)
away today
red remains
dumb and numb

Don't rust
(he rushed it)
the pain away
in the name
of young and fun

[Anonymous No.18415810]

>>18415470
Sure. I wrote this last night, dumped it in the On Your Mind thread so I'll repost it here:

Samuel paused a moment, and his breath was hard and hot,
Panting, panting, breathing hard, he'd run for such a ways,
And at last he'd come then to a stop, and he at last
Took a moment, then, to stop, and catch his breath a bit.
Surely, surely, he had not been followed all this way.
Surely he had managed to evade the thing that had
Pursued him, its triple-trumpet baying on the breeze.
He had crossed the lakes and streams; 'twas sure this was enough.

Then upon his pale, wet neck, so soaked and drenched in sweat,
He could feel the sniffing and the breathing of the air
That came in, and out, and in, and out, and in, and out,
Breathing, sniffing, heavy, though there was no further noise,
As though the breath lived inside a vacuum, all alone.
And Samuel stood in place, a tremor through his frame.

As the big, black head came drifting over to his left,
With its long, long muzzle, and its long, long blackened jaws,
With its long snout, and those nostrils, long, atop its head,
And the shortened neck, so thick with muscle, and with strength,
Leading down to those great armored shoulders, and the plates
Of dark metal that swathed the great torso of the thing.
And the arms as well, those arms, so long, and muscular,
With their fingers three that ended in those long, long claws,
Long claws, hooked, serrated, sharpened to a killing edge.

Yet, now, as the beast came sidling up to him, it was
Its eyes that made Samuel near wet himself with fear,
Cold, cruel eyes--but bright as well. They gleamed a neon red,
The beast eyed him with its eyes of cold, cruel neon red.
And the monster fixed him with that cold, cruel neon stare,
Not blinking, its flat black pupils somehow empty, strange.

And the monster stared at him with cold, cruel neon eyes.
Then it gapped its jaws, and showed off all its sharp, white teeth.
Hell had come to earth, festooned in metal and in flesh.
Yet the creature waited--and this frightened him the most.

Until, at least, the heads of the other two appeared.
And now there were three black monsters, standing in his midst.
Coven-like, they crouched upon him. He did not know why.

[Anonymous No.18416041]

>>18414327
Breaking into your house

Or just a mouse
Or me

You tell me
>>18414330
Prose. Not really poetry
>>18414837
Not for me
>>18414867
Its ok.

>>18414867
A meadow
Flows
Calmly by

I see
A sea of grass,
And rye.

As the sky, unfolds
Above my head
I rest myself
Upon this bed

With no sin
To curse
The awe of day

Away from dark
My soul shall lay

If that is
Ok?

[Anonymous No.18416264]

Death was fun but I got bored;

So I prayed and asked the Lord;

Give me just one more day

Just enough to have my say;

My voice had been heard;

And the Lord gave his word;

So back home I flew;

To get my message through;

Oh please my son,

I have a task to get done;

Please don't judge,

or hold a grudge;

In peace let your mother mourn;

For the love of God, delete my porn

[Anonymous No.18416272]

>>18414867
I'd swap shall for will in the last line, right now you've got soul/shall and that cut-short alliteration gets in the way of the flow

[Anonymous No.18416291]

>>18414513
Have yet to see an English speaker write a haiku. They all think 575 is all there is to it, when a real haiku is about nature and conveying a definite time of year

[Anonymous No.18416364]

tripfags are subhuman
so old n stale they voted Truman
butters lookin' for a new man
no matter she fat like Newman
wrote this piece in 3 minutes
like your posts nothing here innit
moving onto next tripfag the pedo
all caps only DOOM; you not even guido
I don't give a fuck about your poems
tripfag and good? I dont know 'em

[Anonymous No.18416444]

>>18416291
Sarah ruhl

[Anonymous No.18416917]

bump

[Anonymous No.18416921]

>>18416917
Impactful meaning and vivid imagery.

[Anonymous No.18416983]

>>18416264
classic joke caught me by surprise

In the city we shall not be
Making up the form is we
Flesh-steel-plastic-child of destiny
Great machine subsuming thee
Where men and man, the god to be
Peering down to see her glee
All our faces, it is she
Body of new harmony
Ego - I - is dead to me
Lost in flood of conscious sea
In now embodied mass-psyche
I become idolatry

[Anonymous No.18417193]

>>18416041
>Prose. Not really poetry
Not at all prose. There's a clear metaphor and a collection of imagery going on in that poem.

[Anonymous No.18417479]

Vrangforestillinger i en Verden vendt på Vrangen:
Jeg ser Lyset med øjenlågsløse Øjne
Verden passerer gennem mit Forstørrelsesglas, indtil jeg bryder i Brand
Branden fortærer mit Kranie, jeg flyder ud i Verden
Ikke længere Menneske
Jeg er en Gud i fordærv

At vide er vanvid
At drukne er redningen fra Solen
Strømmen har ført mig Flodens ende
Og Solen har nu fordampet Vandet bag mig

Åh, min længsel efter at blændes af Mørket
I en Livmoder eller en Kiste

Men her er jeg fanget i Lysets Æon
Opløst i Verden og dog alene
Jeg er en Gud i fordærv


translation


Disillusions in a Disillusioned World:
I see the Light with eylidless Eyes
The world passes through my Magnifying Glass, until I catch on Fire
The Fire consumes my Skull, I flow into the World
No longer Human
I am a God in decay

To know is madness
To drown is to be saved from the Sun.
The stream has led me to the end of the River
And the Sun has now evaporated the Water behind me

Oh, my longing to be blinded by the Darkness
In a Womb or a Coffin

But here I am trapped in the Eon of Light
Dissolved into the World and yet alone
I am a God in decay

[Anonymous No.18417557]

Are there English equivalents to Soviet futurist poets like Mayakovsky or Hlebnikov? Specifically, the percussive use of words and rhythm?

[Anonymous No.18417805]

>>18416983
I like it, I do think theres too much reliance on ending in ee though. The subject matter is good though.

>>18416264
GREAT, well laid ryhme and a satisfying end. it's simple but effective.

>>18416041
nice, comes acroos as very mellow and wistful, captures the feeling of watching the clouds very well.


One wonders about how quiet this place could have been,
before the trams laid tracks,
or mancunians hiding from rain in green anarack,

Maybe it was quieter in the time of mills,
industry heavy as the cotton still spilled,
laid the granite stone from not so distant hills,

Probably still the clatter of hooves,
or leather bound shoes shined with finesse,
You'd have to go way back, I'd say,
for quiet on this patch,

Fore there was roads, or huts of mud,
covered in thatch, newly sown from the woods,
where bird song ruled,
no paths yet to determine town's rules,

It'd never be quiet enough,
the doves'd still the hum, the owl still hoot,
It'd be fruitless to try restore that silence,
the sound of city is just far to violent,

but I wish we could, just enjoy that soft summer sound of screamin bugs.

[Anonymous No.18418085]

>>18417805
I really enjoyed it. Everything is moving faster and faster in the area I live in. Just this year, they cleared out 10 acres of forestland for a housing development.


Delphic tripods built of gold,
Of heavenly light do glow.

Brazen bowls with carvēd scenes,
From which rich wine does flow.

Hulking statues of ages gone,
That only the Greeks will know.

Of all the past's monumental works,
What have we now to show?

[Anonymous No.18418116]

>>18418085
It's so painful to see for me. all the old haunts and bits of woods being bulldozed for ugly houses.

[Anonymous No.18419820]

bump

[Anonymous No.18421067]

Dry, cakey mouths flap.
Eyes glaze, looking for eachother.
Drunk touches, ashy hands,
Another glass. Our finest hour
Had surely passed.

---
>>18414330
>>18414567
>>18414941
All me.

[Anonymous No.18421085]

We could barely hear eachother
Behind the spinning gears
As we cycled our bikes.

But when we sat in the busy, hidden sunlight

(At least while I had you there)
I tucked a flower
On your bustling hair.


>>18421067
Me again.

[Anonymous No.18421631]

Sub you

Inconsistent tendencies at the ends of my string

when I pull I remind you of whom you are not

Another subconscious blip speckled
throughout all that you affront

I can’t see what you see but there are times when I get what I want

Know we’re connected even when we’re apart

[Anonymous No.18422556]

>>18421085
>busy, hidden
doesnt add much
id get rid
otherwise
i loved it
>>18421067
>dry
>ashy
same as above
did almost love
>>18418085
did not care for
the larpy malarky
and the ending was
a bit Ozymandy
>>18417193
a metaphor and imagery
you did in fact do em
but (according to him)
such things did not
make a good poem
>>18416041
though its almost fine
could use another line
>>18414513
appropriation
is what some may call it, yes
but i couldn't care less

if a reader is privy
to a poems underlying plan
of exotic origin, it would but enhance
the readers perception
of the poems perfection
and hence, i say, that it doesnt fall flat
i think its silly, to say that it may: fall flat

[Anonymous No.18422759]

>>18421631
This was interesting


They sprout
green, before
They wilt and yellow
They are fruitful
As are you
High in fibre knowledge
We provide You with glucose
THE devine saccharide
Necessary for you; ‘re survival
because we want to keep you alive longer
For, this is what you wanted
To suffer more
As Do We
Rooted
Stationary
Static
Until you perish
As do they
Once green, now yellow
With every last fruit plucked
With nothing left to offer;
Wilting.
A chirping warbler perches itself on my windowsill,
Shut the fuck up already
I’m trying to sleep
Bruh, birds are gay af
I finna pull up widda Draco
And clap dis nigga

[Anonymous No.18422818]

>>18422556
>though its almost fine
>could use another line

No other line
It's fine

[Anonymous No.18422857]

>>18415810
Incredibly redundant and nauseating. Read better poetry and imitate the greats for a while, ephebe

[Anonymous No.18422863]

>>18417557
Tell me friend, what makes a poem "percussive?" Explain yourself

[Anonymous No.18423169]

bump for the sake of the thread not dying at 5am

[Anonymous No.18424404]

>>18414330
I like the last stanza, but the second seems a little too choppy
>>18414837
The ending is really good, kind of wish you hadn't used "fire" in the first stanza though, I think it takes away from the impact of the last line
>>18414867
This is a nice little poem, I'd take the comma out of the second line of the second stanza though
>>18415505
this seems like it could be really good as lyrics, do you play guitar or anything?
>>18417805
very nice, "screamin bugs" is a really good line
>>18418085
this is nice, other anon is right though that it's hard not to compare it to Ozymandias
>>18421067
>>18421085
I like your poems anon, they do a good job of taking me to the place you're describing. Maybe I just find them relatable

[Anonymous No.18424421]

Obedience ~ By George MacDonald

I said: “Let me walk in the fields.”
He said: “No, walk in the town.”
I said: “There are no flowers there.”
He said: “No flowers, but a crown.”

I said: “But the skies are black;
There is nothing but noise and din.”
And He wept as He sent me back –
“There is more,” He said; “there is sin.”

I said: “But the air is thick,
And fogs are veiling the sun.”
He answered: “Yet souls are sick,
And souls in the dark undone!”

I said: “I shall miss the light,
And friends will miss me, they say.”
He answered: “Choose tonight
If I am to miss you or they.”

I pleaded for time to be given.
He said: “Is it hard to decide?
It will not seem so hard in heaven
To have followed the steps of your Guide.”

I cast one look at the fields,
Then set my face to the town;
He said, “My child, do you yield?
Will you leave the flowers for the crown?”

Then into His hand went mine;
And into my heart came He;
And I walk in a light divine,
The path I had feared to see.

[Anonymous No.18424439]

I am not
The Universe
Experiencing itself.
For experience
Is a merely human act,
Insignificant.

I am an arrangement
An arraignment
An accident
An aberration.

I am a churning,
An upheaval
The calm before,
The calm after,
The storm.

I am a ripple in a stream.

I am the great I am.

I am not.


>>18424404
these are mine btw

[Anonymous No.18424596]

I am a dumb racist its plain to see

And my neighbor is black; woe is me