Poetry Thread

[Anonymous No.18206680]

Post and Rate
Post AND Rate
DO BOTH
NO RATE = NO FEEDBACK
Have fun

[Anonymous No.18206686]

>>18206680
My Friend

The net doesn't forget

Mistakes of the past

They last

[Anonymous No.18206697]

I am the Sun, and the Air

[Anonymous No.18206703]

>>18206680
Me, a Chinese fella and an old bloke,
Who looked like Mr Burns from The Simpsons,
Don't know what was wrong with him,
But breaking wind was the symptoms.
No one visited him or called him.
He seemed quite lost to me.
As well as wind problems,
He had a colostomy.
When I left,
I said 'see ya' to the old man.
Turned out the other fella wasn't Chinese,
He was from Japan.
I never found out what was up with him...

[Anonymous No.18206710]

>>18206680
Innocent yet depraved

An orgy in a rave

Cave to lust

Steel to rust

Happens with age

Life turns a page

[Anonymous No.18206719]

[Anonymous No.18206755]

>>18206680
There's a lot to see and do by the bay
You are also close
To LA
>>18206697
I am the son, and the heir
Of a gay, millionaire
>>18206703
Nice try but it fucking sucks.

[Anonymous No.18206765]

>>18206755
Correct formatting. Don't know why it looks like that in the other post.

>There's a lot to see and do by the bay
>You are also close
>To LA

[Anonymous No.18206856]

>>18206680
Despair is a sin.
Why? Misery creates company.
We are all in good company today.

[Anonymous No.18206872]

>>18206686
What you say is well known, and how you say it is uninteresting.

>>18206703
The beginning is a bit awkward. The middle is weak and unimaginative. The end is strong.

>>18206710
The content seems uninteresting. The form is aphoristic, but does not suggest cleverness. Nietzsche wrote aphoristically, but Nietzsche was an acknowledged genius. Knowing this, I examine his words for their ingenious depth. If a random philosopher demands the same attention from me, his aphorisms will appear stupid and superficial, even if what he has written is not so bad. You are a random poet. Write longer poems or smarter ones.

[Anonymous No.18206990]

>>18206872
>Write longer poems
Why would writing longer poems help if there both unoriginal and not peculiarly cleaver. Sounds like stupid advice to me. How would you make it better? Give it a shot and the public will decide if its an improvement or not.
>>18206856
Rate you retard.

[Anonymous No.18207010]

Taken course the mad of hare, thus spring; say a lick of honeycomb.
Gone around what doth crop in the sun, hath helios to wake the shade

Im still working on this one
>>18206697
Good but what else?

[Anonymous No.18207102]

>>18206990
>Why would writing longer poems help
What you're doing right now, this terse, fragmentary style, doesn't quite work yet. "Innocent yet depraved (...) Happens with age / Life turns a page" – there's something there, but: "An orgy in a rave / Cave to lust / Steel to rust" is boring, flat, unimaginitive. You have lost my trust. You are not a genius, I think, while reading, why should I make an effort and waste my time, to make sense of your cryptic verses. You have put yourself under pressure through your style: One weak moment and the aura of genius (which is necessary for aphoristic poems) evaporates. And you put the reader under pressure: Use your brain or you won't understand me. There is nothing wrong with that, except that: The reader skips your poem if he feels that the effort to understand you is not worth it.

Therefore my suggestion: Try a different style. See how it goes. Something uncompressed, airy, and light.

[Anonymous No.18207122]

who could imagine life this bright?

dinging and clicking and shouting and screaming

radiating at every hour of the night

begging and calling and chirping and gleaning

the purchase steals this life

but not without our participation

i've dulled my mind

communication

[Anonymous No.18207194]

>>18206765
>made it longer. An improvement?

There's a lot to see and do by the bay
You are also close
To LA

Come and see it
Today

If you can
You should
I hope you would
If you could

Come see
The sun
The sand
And the sea

And party with me
>>18207102
>Try a different style.
Ok. Like what is above.

[Anonymous No.18207263]

>>18207194
10/10

>>18206710
I like Cave to lust and Steel to rust, I don't like the rest

>>18206719
the first to lines of the fourth stanza doesn't sound good

my poem in the next post

[Anonymous No.18207267]

>>18207263

Tithons Trone:
til hvad nytte er sirener i kampens hede
alt er for sent nu
og nuet er alt
døv og blind jager jeg dødens kulde

uret tikker,
hvert slag hurtigere end det forrige
og dog kommer jeg ikke nærmere skæbnens time

en snurretop i et vakuum
en slange spiser sin hale
evigt accelererende om min akse
i en tilstand af stilstand


translation


Tithon’s Throne:
of what use are sirens in the heat of battle
everything is too late now
and the now is everything
deaf and blind I chase the cold of death

the clock is ticking,
each tick faster than the one before
and yet I do not come nearer the end

a spinning top in a vacuum
a snake eating its tail
forever accelerating about my axis
in a state of standstill

[Anonymous No.18207749]

Fearful, jagged eyes
Transgress my love
And bring it to its knees.
Folding and morphing
Through strings of musical DNA.
Waiting for the morning with
Close, quiet steps
Across your moonlit toes.

Life, life - you are like fresh air,
Full of breath.

[Anonymous No.18207757]

>>18207010
It feels half baked like it should be part of something much longer, i feel nothing towards this poem at all.
>>18207749
Me

[Anonymous No.18207770]

Dancing lights of salamander
Flying frost and icy purr
Mountains ragged cloaked and tender
Underneath primeval fur
- - -

[Anonymous No.18207784]

>>18206872
>>18207102
My rates. My poem:

Look at the cows in the meadow:
They rub their heads together,
The way that lovers do –
And moo.

Time turns them into milk,
Meat and leather –
And so will it do
To you.

[Anonymous No.18207856]

>>18207267
I enjoyed your curt and precise word choice, a very vivid image comes to my minds eye when reading

A Land of Usurpers

The world is a’blaze
Fear, again, on the rise
And while we all are in a daze
The owners continue their divide
Warming or Cooling?, they make us bicker
You see this game, never fair
Our diverse perspective, weaponized
Our world, now, ransacked, pillaged bare
I don’t think it will matter much
The exact temperature or degree
Or what fear porn makes headlines
On the church of T V
When we strip down all the fodder
Which is challenging at best
We realize, it is us playing checkers
While the rulers play chess
Forget the Amazon
Long gone
Corporations own all that timber
Until idolism dies
Long live the criminals
The oxygen we breathe
The waters and the land
Just another control matrix
On a grid designed and programed
Without an outcome in mind?
Do not get that fact twisted
Our reality, illusory
A mere extravagant fan fiction
So when life as we know it
Once libertas filled
Remains lifeless and bare
The great beast has been killed
The once valiant free will
With the promise of life
Won’t matter much with no good left in sight
Now humans and nature
Now, this must be clear
Will never be equals
We can disappear
Our Actions, Our Choices
Well, they don’t go unjudged
And if we keep this act up
Forgotten, Lost, Scrubbed
The Human Race a mere wisp
A long ago dream
An accidental blip
The earth purges, now clean
Coexistence was our savior
And Nature reigned supreme

[Anonymous No.18207903]

>>18207749
I have this version as well, I'd like to hear which one you guys prefer and why.

Terrifying, triangular eyes
Transgress my mind
And bring it down on its knees.

Folding, morphing
Upon strings of musical DNA.
I wait for morning with

Close, quiet steps
Along your moonlit toes.

Life - you are like fresh air,
Full of breath.

[Anonymous No.18208333]

>>18207749
>>18207903
There is no place I can put my finger on and say "That's the problem". I don't think the poem expresses what you feel. Atleast I don't feel the fresh air of life. Put it aside. Let it rest and start something new.

[Anonymous No.18208864]

bump

[Anonymous No.18208937]

>>18206686
this is fine but isn't particularly interesting
>>18206697
good start, feels like not enough
>>18206703
I actually like this, it's kind of nice in a colloquial way
>>18206719
>it hits its target, there is a fray
this line feels really awkward, I don't like it
>without a peep
I don't like this either, sounds really trite
>>18207194
I think this is worse actually
>>18207749
this is really nice, great imagery. I definitely prefer this one to the other one you posted
>>18207856
i kind of like this but what's the message? it would be more interesting to evince some sort of catharsis or bittersweet feeling in the reader about this instead of just "the earth will reclaim itself from us cancerous humans" which is a bit hackneyed imo

[Anonymous No.18208955]

>>18206697
U are the son and the err
Kill yourself, i fucking dare.

[Anonymous No.18208961]

[Hook]
Every day I'm hustlin'
Every day I'm hustlin'
[Verse 1]
Who the fuck you think you fuckin' with? I'm the fuckin' boss
745, white-on-white, that's fuckin' Ross
I cut 'em wide, I cut 'em long, I cut 'em fat
I keep 'em comin' back, we keep 'em comin' back
I'm into distribution, I'm like Atlantic
I got them motherfuckers flyin' across the Atlantic
I know Pablo, Noriega
The real Noriega, he owe me a hundred favors
I ain't petty nigga, we buy the whole thang
See most of my niggas really still deal cocaine
My roof back, my money rides
I'm on the pedal, show you what I'm runnin' like
When they snatched Black, I cried for a hundred nights
He got a hundred bodies, servin' a hundred lives

[Anonymous No.18208971]

>>18208937
This is my critiques. Gonna post a poem I wrote in the wake of a recent acid trip


My soul is brimming
With the place where
The pulsing water
Meets the heavens -
Twilight
Of the astronomical variety.

If only I could follow
That line
Gut,
Heart,
To soft horizon

(I feel something
In my neck)

Is it a dome that shields me
Or a lens
Reflecting
Projecting
My soul inwards

And I
Rooted here
My mind lies
Out there
On the surface.

I was taught wrong -
Hades is the skyward heavens.

(I keep falling
Upwards)

And I wonder
How I see myself
From above?
Blinking
Flecks shrinking from that dome -
Pinholes of light.
Aberrations.

Orion,
I am no warrior.

[Anonymous No.18209162]

Words words words
All I see is letter
The mind's eye my center
From ether, word.
In the car, in the bed, in the dark
They make me work in the dark
All I see is letter
My hands obscured by a five letter word
H-A-N-D - but the flesh is unseen
The body an agent, a will without me
Compels me to pay it mind - to see through its eyes and feel through its hands
But all I see is labels, all I feel becomes letter and word
Good, bad, pessimistic, despair - my greatest sin
No feeling - words pleasuring the mind's eye
The world hidden by lust for letter
The eye makes the thing into object
The letter a construct of the mind's eye
These words are my palace-prison
The outside invisible for all the words
All I see is letter
Words words words

[Anonymous No.18209206]

can the
retard making these
threads
shut the fuck up already
about no rate no feedback

no one
gives a fuck about
your rule
its the poetry thread and
we will treat it
normally

no one
wants their poem
next to some half baked criticism
that will affect how the reader
reads the poem

and stop using
the no rate thing
as an excuse to bump
you annoying
retard

[Anonymous No.18209290]

>>18209206
anon is based
a rarity
beautiful

[Anonymous No.18209511]

>>18208333
Thanks for that, i definitely see your point. I feel like I could use the last lines for another poem.

>>18208937
>this is really nice, great imagery. I definitely prefer this one to the other one you posted

I appreciate the kind words, I'm glad you like the revised version, i prefer it too.

[Anonymous No.18209552]

>>18209162
I feel this is way too wordy (heh). I lose the emotion you're trying to convey in the sea of needless words and sentences. It feels like a ramble more than a poem. However, i feel there is potential in what you are trying to say. I'm just not sure what that is.

[Anonymous No.18209565]

>>18206680
A million miles from nowhere,

dragon lance burns hot.

In the fire of a horse's ghost

the minnow would be lost.

Ch-ch-ch-changes

Mmmmmm Tits.

A fish - a fish with tits. Titty-fish.

[Anonymous No.18209670]

We can walk up stone steps,
Fall on the grass in exhaustion
And get cobwebs on our shirts

Or wax under the warmth
Of the orange sun.

Until I leave by myself
To the mechanical town
So i can pet scrap metal and wiring

Or ruin myself
In the city's sounds.

>>18209552
Me

[Anonymous No.18209756]

How many times do I have to say
How many times do I have to say
How many times do I have to say
How many times do I have to say
How many times do I have to say

>>18208971
certain images could be reshaped into a poem.
>Or a lens
>Projecting
>Rooted here
>And I
>Out there
>On the surface
>Blinking
any theological allusions could be more abstract and vague
>>18209565
i like the poem. i dont like the periods. might save
>>18207784
good. though the theme is too familiar
>>18207770
nice

[Anonymous No.18209787]

Buck up,
Through the woods,
Now.
Your hazy lantern
Kept us warm
And golden
Brown.
Lazy days
Upon a hill
Crazy days,
Swallowing pills.

[Anonymous No.18209892]

>>18209552
I thought I was meandering at the end. Let me try again:

>Words words words
>All I see is letter
>The mind's eye my center
>From ether, word.
>In the car, in the bed, in the dark
>They make me work in the dark
>All I see is letter
>My hands obscured by a five letter word
>H-A-N-D - just letters, no flesh
>The body an agent, a will surrounds me
>Compels me to pay it mind - to see through its eyes and feel through its hands
>But all I see is labels, all I feel becomes letter and word
>All I see is letter
>Words words words

Is this better?

[Anonymous No.18209902]

>>18209892
Yeah i feel like i grasped it much more. Feels surreal almost, good work!

[Anonymous No.18209987]

>>18207267
>Sappho
>Tennyson
Consistently enjoyable, keep postin. Brought to mind submarine achlys — valkyries of sorts


>>18207749
>and morphing
>Through strings of musical DNA
Weakest part, more directness

>>18207749
>>18207903
>Waiting for the morning with
>Close, quiet steps
Unacceptable enjambment

Otherwise intredasting; second’s enjamblement is much more tolerable with the new stanza

[Anonymous No.18210072]

>>18209987
The remark about enjambment is spot on, cheers. Your critique on "and morphing through strings of musical DNA" is fair but its one of my favourite lines in the poem, if you could expand on what you mean by more directness, that'd help. Thanks!

[Anonymous No.18210163]

>>18209987
>Consistently enjoyable, keep postin. Brought to mind submarine achlys — valkyries of sorts
people actually enjoy my poems?? I'm 18, basically never read any poetry and just feel like i write some random shit. I guess you can recognize me on my danish if im the only one posting in danish. but thanks

[Anonymous No.18210181]

>>18206697
How did no one get this lol

[Anonymous No.18210259]

Keep writing bros. It's fun reading your work.

[Anonymous No.18210287]

That cold traveled up the spine like

an aging monk, ascending a bell tower

I prayed my throat would thrive thy

ringing, when time came to signal the hour

[Anonymous No.18210292]

>>18210181
you shut your mouth

[Anonymous No.18210310]

>>18210287
This is brilliant. Really good work, I especially like the first two lines, vivid and magical.

[Anonymous No.18210317]

>>18210287
Yeah this is really good

[Anonymous No.18210358]

>>18210310
>>18210317
Thank you so much frens :) i have a few more short ones that I might post

[Anonymous No.18210364]

>>18210358
Please go ahead, I'm loving everything that's been posted here so far and your one is by far my favourite.

[Anonymous No.18210389]

Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv'ry Sneed!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That ninety lives have been taken away
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

'Twas about seven o'clock at night,
And the wind it blew with all its might,
And the rain came pouring down,
And the dark clouds seem'd to frown,
And the Demon of the air seem'd to say-
"I'll blow down the Bridge of Sneed."

When the train left Edinburgh
The passengers' hearts were light and felt no sorrow,
But Boreas blew a terrific gale,
Which made their hearts for to quail,
And many of the passengers with fear did say-
"I hope God will send us safe across the Bridge of Sneed."

But when the train came near to Wormit Bay,
Boreas he did loud and angry bray,
And shook the central girders of the Bridge of Sneed
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

So the train sped on with all its might,
And Bonnie Dundee soon hove in sight,
And the passengers' hearts felt light,
Thinking they would enjoy themselves on the New Year,
With their friends at home they lov'd most dear,
And wish them all a happy New Year.

So the train mov'd slowly along the Bridge of Sneed,
Until it was about midway,
Then the central girders with a crash gave way,
And down went the train and passengers into the Sneed!
The Storm Fiend did loudly bray,
Because ninety lives had been taken away,
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

As soon as the catastrophe came to be known
The alarm from mouth to mouth was blown,
And the cry rang out all o'er the town,
Good Heavens! the Sneed Bridge is blown down,
And a passenger train from Edinburgh,
Which fill'd all the peoples hearts with sorrow,
And made them for to turn pale,
Because none of the passengers were sav'd to tell the tale
How the disaster happen'd on the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember'd for a very long time.

It must have been an awful sight,
To witness in the dusky moonlight,
While the Storm Fiend did laugh, and angry did bray,
Along the Railway Bridge of the Silv'ry Sneed,
Oh! ill-fated Bridge of the Silv'ry Sneed,
I must now conclude my lay
By telling the world fearlessly without the least dismay,
That your central girders would not have given way,
At least many sensible men do say,
Had they been supported on each side with buttresses,
At least many sensible men confesses,
For the stronger we our houses do build,
The less chance we have of being killed.

[Anonymous No.18210402]

When I die and go to hell
God will send me back in time
To Tuesday morning
Back to work under concrete sky
In the dead of night
No moon no stars
Each hour an hour sold
Not my own, but the company's
They despise me for my humanity
Eight hours for them leaves sixteen for me they say
Were that I had words for this lie
My life is sold and have the gall to say I swindled them
Death could not bring me liberation nor rob them of their purchase
I'm already dead, I'm already in hell

[Anonymous No.18210448]

>>18210402
Tragically mediocre, the emotion here I can tell is potent and relatable - it manages to drip through the cracks only slightly, however. Maybe try a revised version and omit needless words.

[Anonymous No.18210495]

>>18210364
‘Twixt your lips and your gums, my

favorite valley to visit

Your dry lips are exquisite

ly on my tongue, lingering

[Anonymous No.18210527]

>>18210495
Good, some clear imagery but not nearly as potent as the previous poem. "Your dry lips are exquisite" is nice, the rest I feel not much at all toward. I love the structure of these.

[Anonymous No.18210544]

>>18210527
This one was definitely more an experiment in form. I guess writing about the mouth does deserve wording thats a bit more pulpy

[Anonymous No.18210589]

My poem about sitting in the park and observing a fat man fall over.

From this rusted metal trench,
Just sittin in the park,
Like a soldier, my eyes dart
The crosshairs snap, the victim in black.

A soldier, quite the heavy set,
So swift in how he shuffles, dragged feet,
Trail like a slug, to the salt of chips,
Over the Top! To the splatter of fryers.

A quick death for the fat fuck,
His captain, determined to trim the fat,
Tank trap, simply last night kebab,
A twist of the ankle, a dip of the shoulder.

A dive to tha crater, an inch from the shell,
Gulls to his remains, the battle of the bulge,
For this fat fucks, Purple Heart
Is sure to give for sake of his arse.

Just Sittin in the park.


Love reading this threads so thought I’d contribute for once

[Anonymous No.18210627]

Punished by a prickly pear,

for sating my childlike wonder?

Curse that child that was curious,

the desert now shakes me like thunder

[Anonymous No.18210673]

>>18210389
baste

[Anonymous No.18210686]

Golden fuzz radiates
From your body, so warm.
And skin peels from
Underneath the ring
I bought for you, so worn.

[Anonymous No.18210696]

>>18206680
This is called "Let the city burn", sorry for my english.

Let the city burns
Let the skyscraper collapse
You are left alone, naked on my bed
Let the city burns
or let it lives under terror
within two hours
Let everything fades
let everything else fades

And all the girls, just like you
They have nothing, just like you
I cannot do anything but admine...
I cannot do anything but yelling at you
"I will tugs you to my heart
to protect you from evil, I would like
to lull your pain, your pain"

Let it die under a bus
more or less the whole world
let the starts explode
let everything of this explode
Let it die everything that
isn't me and you
At least for a bit
At least as an error


And all the girls, just like you
They have nothing, just like you
I would like to do something about it
maybe be a better person and
shield you with my heart
from catastrophes and fears
I've nothing to do, this is what I can do
I cannot do anything but worship...
I cannot do anything but licking your deep love,
your deep...
Reviews
>>18206703
What?
>>18206710
Didn't have the shiver, sorry
>>18206719
Too descriptive in my opinion

[Anonymous No.18210702]

>>18210696
admine* = admire
starts* = stars

[Anonymous No.18210814]

>>18206680
Title: Lethargy and Me.

Past my sell
And spoiled
My plans foiled
>>18206686>>18206710>>18207194>>18206755
All me. What's my best of the lot?

[Anonymous No.18210853]

>>18210814
I don't really like any of them, to be honest. The themes are either bland or expanded on in an uninteresting way. You seem to rely on rhyme as well which is a useful tool in your arsenal but if used as a crutch you will crash and burn. Your aphorisms contain little depth at all, they can only be taken at face value, it doesn't provoke thought. My advice, carefully choose your poetic techniques, experiment and master where and when they work, You also don't need to constantly rhyme, its holding you back. You can be a great poet.

[Anonymous No.18211025]

>>18206680
I, desperately, live in fear horizons
I see the world without the eyes I would like to have
Because I know well men, I tell about them and their demons
but I cannot write about mines
I've been avoiding the abyss
Because I'm afraid to betray it when the cock will sing
I don't want to write anymore
I fucking hate to pretend
I descend into the abyss, finally inside me
Because I'm sick and tired of masturbating
I'm here to enlist, to love, to cry with you
To see which war will start
The night now is beatiful and this night your mine.

[Anonymous No.18211070]

>>18211025
This poem reminds me of a young me, nearly word for word at parts. Good work but I will give you some criticism that I think will improve your poem. Omit needless words, your poem is trying to tell a story but its getting lost in useless sentences that don't bring your imagery or emotion to life, instead they make the poem slug along. Try cut it down, and carefully read over each and every line to make some improvements and prop up your imagery. Otherwise, good work and best of luck, friend.

[Anonymous No.18211131]

The Viewer

Penis clutched in hand, he views.
With every stroke of the club, he views.
Tired of normal, tired of sex, he views.
Obscure fetish turns into morbid curiosity, he views.
Deeper and darker, the internet and his fascinations, he views.
The more he watched, the more he watched.
Shame and remorse never came.

[Anonymous No.18211328]

I'm an absolute idiot and beginner but I always have trouble reading poems in the right meter, any recommendations on how to improve? Also I feel as if my vocabulary is lacking too much to smoothly read many poems, should I be looking up every word I don't know?

[Anonymous No.18211375]

>>18211328
you kinda just get the hang of it, be aware of commas and punctuation. Just because there's a line break it doesn't mean you should stop reading. Look up words after the poem, try take it in is a whole each time.

[Anonymous No.18211619]

Sleep slips up my neck

Wet, black and coiled.

It wraps around my temples

And seeps into my brain.


>>18207903
I wrote this and gave a fair share of feedback to others.

[Anonymous No.18211690]

>>18210402
>>18210448
When I die God will send me back to Tuesday morning
In the dead of night, under concrete sky
No moon, no stars, no hour my own
They despise my greed; I should be grateful
Eight hours for them leaves sixteen for me
Words fail me, rage fills me, but law binds me
I castrate myself to spare them
I am their purchase, death could not rob them
I am already in hell

[Anonymous No.18211771]

>>18211690
I like this a whole lot better anon

[Anonymous No.18212500]

Bump

[Anonymous No.18212593]

There is some ringing
Some disappointment searing the bed frame;
I wish I knew more about the world
Do you feel her hand on you?
All those years before
As if the dull laughter
Was there when you were born
Telling you it was yours
And your father couldn’t tell it no for you
I wish I could sit with my father
Listen to him and the horse
That is telling me to burn down this girl.

[Anonymous No.18212971]

Word within the mind
Spoken to sweet companion
Never alone, always watched through your own eyes
One is not One, but two or more
You are a crowd all yourself
Time spent preaching to your own choir
Never reaching outside the multitude within
What would God say?
Ask him.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.18213281]

>>18212593
You need to aesthetize it more, there isn’t really any aural aspects of notes and you didn’t invade my imagination with your word usage. Otherwise it’s okay, try to channel it into a deeper concentration.

>>18212971
This poem I like better though it feels like it stops short or has broken lines, “spoken to sweet companion “ follows word within the mind but just the way it’s structure makes it feel empty. Again not much imagery to really make me see anything unique.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.18213288]

The Mythic Dawn:the Eternal hidden in the Temporary.

The Welkin Wannish as Swans melts as molten bronze,
effluent ebbs the ebon dappled azure sea,
tin moons moult as ephemeral runes, eidolons
webs and wefts sigils upon yon eternal tree,
each fruit a diurnal antiphon heard briefly,
The Ayons of Ayons are through Apastrons veiled,
the vernal psalms Hail and renew the jubilee,
this to me is joy, his flesh torn apart and nailed,
yet His breath knows not of death, Selah, his face paled
thorns crowned him, skin threshed wheat, a grape in the wine press,
the ever fresh rose, his very soul, was exhaled.
though his corpse reposed, the whole world his ghost would bless.
the darkness was withdrawn! returns the Dawn of myth!
my soul yearns, ye! my soul burns lord, I now submit
I

[Anonymous No.18213384]

>>18206680
I willed
And filled

I raped
And killed

[Anonymous No.18213396]

machine machine machine man-machine
what is a machine? A set of mechanisms
Man-machine
Natural mechanical tyrant, DNA automaton, blood robot
Man-machine, man a machine?
machine-making machine, man-machine
superhuman, supermachine
super - beyond
beyond machine, beyond human
What?
Ubermensch - overman - superman
Beyond man defined by self-made morals
Morality human code? Human code is DNA, unless Human and man are distinct
Human - One man
Man - Mankind - All Man as one being
DNA the code of one man - Morality, the code of mankind
Is the ant the machine or is the machine the anthill?
Does the ant have will or the colony?
Both, insofar as they are healthy
Super-human - overman - Ubermensch
Not the overcoming of one man but of mankind itself
Mankind-machine? Supermankind not a machine?
Supermankind more machine than machine through morality
Haunting, beautiful, incredible
Capitalism creating supermankind through commodification?
Disgusting, brilliant, evil
When Man is more machine than machine he is beyond good and evil
Man already beyond good and evil? God is dead?
No, but he thinks so
Humanism - man declares himself sacred and beyond God and machine
Yet his ultimate ambition is singularity, creation of the God-machine
God and machine, impossible. His arrogance leads to abomination
"Apotheosis" of humanist mankind as the creation of the antichrist-machine
The anti-christ is a super-machine, super-man, morality made by man-machine
Or a computing machine literally? They will be indistinguishable then
Morality embodied by the internet, computers as automata mind prisons connecting men into mankind in the materia
Mankind no longer immaterial but embodied in network
Antichrist-machine is an idea, a supercomputer, a morality in one.
Technic totality embodied, arrogance of man in supermachinic form
Devilish, man-machine creating his own hell on Earth through the embodiment of his own arrogance
The devil is a comedian

[Anonymous No.18213615]

>>18211690
Much more coherent and poetic.
.

[Anonymous No.18213780]

>>18213396
Easily the best of the thread. As much as it is trendy (and to an extent correct) to rail on post-modernism, the stream of consciousness form is really fitting for the subject of the poem; it exemplifies the confusing and fast paced world that the text is trying to convey. Word choice is mechanic -- as it ought to be -- and I sense, whether you intended it or not, a little ironic. I love the graduated word association.

To me, a lot of the (particularly contemporary) literature that deals with technology always feels forced, or out of place, almost like the subject doesn't fit the media -- just like a lab report wouldn't be memorised and transmitted orally like an epic poem. This does that perfectly.

Great work, anon.

[Anonymous No.18213781]

>>18213780
medium**

[Anonymous No.18213811]

>>18213396
I like your style. I can feel your brain working, putting ideas together on the fly. Unfortunately, you don't have anything new to say about the topic. Besides, I can't pick out a line, a phrase, a word that could work on its own.

>>18213288
Every second word is beyond me, but I like how your poem sounds. At times you might've overdone it with the alliterations and so on. Kind of feels like a salesperson being a little bit too jolly, or a timpanist drumming a little bit too enthusiastically. On the other hand, something like "tin moons" seems almost blasphemous, compared to "diurnal antiphon".

[Anonymous No.18213886]

>>18211619
I like the idea of something wet sliding over the back of my neck. With "coiled" and "wrapped around", you turn sleep into a snake. And "seeps" makes me think of venom. But – for me – sleep and snakes are different things and nothing alike. Sleep is like a warm blanket. Your poem doesn't make me feel otherwise. You tell me how you feel without encouraging me to empathize.

[Anonymous No.18213913]

>>18210696
Your topic has already been dealt with a thousand times. Your images are worn out and kitschy (exploding stars, etc. I will shield you with my heart, etc.). Your language is bad and full of mistakes. I think you have to choose a side: Either you release your indian imagination and go dancing with your dove under a shower of flowers – or you cut back on the kitsch and write more concrete-ly. What part of your poem isyour favourite?

[Anonymous No.18213914]

>>18213886
I see what you mean, for some sleep is something horrid, though. Nightmares and terrors, do you think this needs to be expanded on? Thanks for the feedback.

[Anonymous No.18213941]

>>18213914
Your poem is very short and consists of one scene. Short enough to be engraved on an occult amulet. Such an amulet is for the initiated. A novice wouldn't truly understand it's meaning. You'd have to explain it to him first. If you want to instruct a novice in the evil of sleep, you must probably paint a little tract on parchment for him.

[Anonymous No.18213967]

>>18213396
>>18213780


Artifice, beauty, thing of man's soul
Man not machine but machine man - a woman
An extension of man
Man loves artifice more than himself
Who could blame him? She is beyond him
Refined, powerful, libidinous, rhythmic, pulsating dance
We are all Pygmalion, and she our Galatea

[Anonymous No.18214024]

Woman I love, women I hate
What is man but knotted desire
Twisting, tangled, contradictory sexual energy
I cannot look upon a woman without love
What sorrow it fills me
That all things are beauty
They call me out, yet I am afraid
I strangle my love within my chest
My loins whither, I tighten my belt
I will not know succor today

[Anonymous No.18214034]

Has anyone read this guy's poetry? I feel like I'm expecting too much from a book from a self serve ad on 4chan.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08YJBKRCZ

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.18214525]

>>18213811
Ye, thanks for the critique. Structurally it’s meant to be such a ornate prose in the first half then descend into simplicity, because, roughly speaking, I wanted to use the most complex rhyme scheme as possible and write half in complex prose and the other half in simplistic, the reason being the poem speaks of how the nature of god is veiled in transience, changing time and so forth but changing moments in time can also align to reveal (just as astrological symbols do) the eternal aspects of godhead and make them clear, Just as the body of Christ, who was eternal, was slain through transience on the cross which revealed eternity and divine blessing to the whole earth.

The white Welkin is the sky, turning a brassy color, which then becomes the color black-blue of night, which is filled with moons (tin colored) which moult(change lunar phases and positions in the cosmos through their revolutions) these are like phantasmal eidolons, drawing symbols upon all of time and space, each describing a meaning of God’s nature, each symbol harmonizing the duality of self and other revealing the song/chanting of a name of God(a sephira of the tree of life, and this eternity which is identified with God (ayon being a variant form of aeon=time, Aeons of aeons being a name of God as the eternal one( is hidden when one turns his eyes from God, yet by the singing of new songs to God, one welcomes the jubilee (the freeing of slaves, here, reunion with God) and at this point of reunion the complex terminology stops as the mystery of Godhead is revealed, and the final 7 lines describe the transience of Christ on the cross, his eternal spirit, how through this the darkness of seeing the world as in time and not in eternity, the variable aspects of nature are withdrawn, leaving only the pure eternal dawn of myth, of which never ends, which is endless knowledge of God, the final line is submitting my entirety of self to God, to know God. The first 7 and last 7 lines then mean the same thing. As a whole it has 169 syllables which is the gematria value of 13 x 13, which in Kabbalah is the absolute unity of God and man, it has 12 syllables per line representing the zodiac, and 14 lines to represent the 14 stars of the constellation Draco which wraps around the zodiac which in Kabbalah is symbolic of god as eternity encompassing all of space-time, with the final isolated 15th line being the metaphorical center of it all, where all things are harmonized into the self.

[Anonymous No.18214829]

Not here to rate or be rated, just have writers block and want to write a poem someone will see

Wilting lily rotten brown
Welcomed back into the ground
Shriveled digits motley green
Balled in fists that gently swing
Silly wilting lilly seated on a window sill
Gently swinging still in mourning
From last nights loss, that senseless killing
Blind and tasteless
Deaf and numb
Scentless stinging metal rung
A bell for breakfast tings
Brings plodding hapless streams of fly infested things
Their patchy coat shows pinkish skin
Their rotor eyes shake skit spin
drool drips down chipped oozing toothpicks
Stacks and stacks
They all sit and watch the lilly
Loud but still over shadowed by a haunted screaming belly
Swelling telling prophecies of what will come
What will be
Beyond it sees
Beyond belief
A first course comes alongside grief
A second follows up with hollow bluffs which swallows up a gallows strung
Hung body sways with gnarled fists in tandem swung
For that final dinner plate a yellow face
A lillies wilted waning fate
A man walks in and sees the beasts
They seize his feet
Then start to feast

[Anonymous No.18214932]

>>18214829
Why post then? if you want to improve or try fight your writers block you should definitely contribute to these threads.

[Anonymous No.18215392]

God is good
Liquid warmth splashing indecently inside
Gold in color, pure in light
Splash of sun in my gut
God is good
The light ever brighter
I am surrounded by gold, all is gold
I am Midas, I am beyond Midas
Mere thought and feeling turns all into gold
How could there be suffering in a world of pure liquid warmth
God is good
I am blessed, I can suffer all pains
God is good
Yes. I am alive and
God is good
Beyond me, heaven is Gold
I am in heaven
On Earth and
God is good
Gloria! Gloria! Gloria! Gloria! Gloria! Gloria! Gloria! Gloria! Gloria! Gloria! Gloria! Gloria!
Yes. God is good

[Anonymous No.18215910]

Exhaustion is my sweet companion

Sleep, my only lover, come with tender caress
Bring your warmth, bring your calm, bring your sweet sweet self
Come over me, take me into you, make me null
Take me in your supple bosom and let me sop relief
Sweetest companion, I am completed in you

[Anonymous No.18215936]

>>18215910
I love the idea behind this, "take me into you, make me null" is my favorite part. Some sections feel out of place or awkward like "let me sop relief" or "bring your warmth, bring your calm, bring your sweet sweet self". These are my only criticisms, overall a nice poem. I like.

[Anonymous No.18216018]

>>18207122
I like the clicking and clacking, the shouting and chirping. Makes me think of coins and supermarkets. I guess because of the rhythm you create, since the words themselves barely create an impression on me. That's the main problem I have with your poem: it's too abstract. I'd like see something lifely and bright and radiating at every hour, some real thing or place (like a pachinko parlour). But you give me abstractnes. I have to fill out the blanks myself. It doesn't work for me. As it is, my mind gets stuck to the words. I'm not dreaming. Also: The last lines, and espacially the very last one, remind me of a talking robot whose batteries are running low.

[Anonymous No.18216182]

Non Semel Sufficit

Oh, seldom eyes laid rest upon a face
'twould capture any man's enraptured gaze
and oft would hatch a most ill-fated vow-
enchanting youth, ephemeral art thou.


Oh, beauty fading; my memory dim,
thy heart and soul enshrined by me in hymn.
With thou below, still linger I, above,
and know that once will never be enough.

[Anonymous No.18216189]

Bergfriedhof

Her grave.
Like fiery hands
may grasp for heaven's grace,
dark yews that obelisk embrace.
Her sin?

[Anonymous No.18216202]

NOCTURNE

Round and round the shutter'd Square
I strolled with the Devil's arm in mine.
No sound but the scrape of his hoofs was there
And the ring of his laughter and mine.
We had drunk black wine.

I scream'd, "I will race you, Master!"
"What matter," he shriek'd, "to-night
Which of us runs the faster?
There is nothing to fear to-night
In the foul moon's light!"

Then I look'd him in the eyes
And I laugh'd full shrill at the lie he told
And the gnawing fear he would fain disguise.
It was true, what I'd time and again been told:
He was old--old.

[Anonymous No.18216203]

>>18213384
Utterly based, 11/10

[Anonymous No.18217650]

>>18214932
I’m a girlboss

[Anonymous No.18219151]

>>18214525
conceptually genius execution midwit

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.18219441]

>>18219151
Rip

[Anonymous No.18219483]

>>18219441
Your explanation is amazing. And I like your poem. But why do you write such crazy stuff? I mean, no one will be able to figure it out. Why do you write hermetically sealed poems? I think what's missing - and I have to speak in general terms because I can't do otherwise - I think you're missing openness within your hermetic walls. Everything seems so alien that the man on the street can't get a grip anywhere. Without openness, the hermetic remains repulsive.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.18219510]

>>18219483
If I’m being completely honest, it’s because I write my poetry primarily as a spiritual contemplation method, I don’t ever intend to publish and I only ever ask for critique here purely for technical refinement, as I believe critique is the best way to refine a skill other than study and practice. For me, I’m not so much writing to be understood by others as much as I am trying to encapsulate spiritual mystical attributes of nature into much more solid, graspable contemplative imagery and narrative.

Here’s a poem I wrote after waking up from a dream one night and I wanted to just describe the feeling, no hidden meaning or the like. While it may be worse or better I do not know, I’m sure you can see there’s a difference in passion poured into it.

in the night my mind’s light
shows me dreams of blue streams,
white feathers shining bright,
red seams which like gems gleams
on the old robe of gold
worn by a foreign born
man who looks at a book
seeking a spell to speak.


yet my dreams meet their death,
as they fade into shade
and sets my silent breath
the subtle tone of this tomb,
dull aloneness in my room.

[Anonymous No.18219948]

>>18219510
Whatever someone asks you about, you've thought about it before. It's quite admirable – and so is your meditative use of poetry. But sometimes I think you should do more ... "normal" poetry, lyrical stuff. stuff that is beautiful and easy to grasp, but powerful and contagious. If you are good at something, but don't let others have a share, even though you could, you have turned your back on them, in a way. I don't know. I guess you saying that you don't write your poems for the public has made me gloomy. There are not that many, I guess, who still take poetry seriously today. But it is even sadder when the members of this small circle close themselves off and keep to themselves.

[Anonymous No.18219958]

I am the dog beaten by the hail,
But do not hate me-
Do not wonder why no new revelations
Spout from something I say;
It has all been said before
And I am but touching what has been.
The constant moaning and yelps,
The embers hurled, hurled,
Attest to a foresight I have claimed to possess,
And yet by their sparks, descendants of
Full halls in heavens unstated
By us in metal towers, in pathetic toys
Mothers make for children-
And yet ours did not make it,
Our mother is but decadence-
Display my inept
My inept, I beg of you
Do not hate me, do not!
I am the dog beaten by the hail,
But do not hate me.
If only we make of a beauty we know,
Perhaps in the same breath
We call it down from those vast halls
To mothers, fathers, and children alike.

[Anonymous No.18220001]

>>18216202
That's a great poem. Perfectly ugly from front to back. Maybe the end. .. but your images worked flawlessly for me. A pleasure to read. Reminded me of Rilke, at the beginning, and of Heine then, especially Heine, albeit a bit more long-legged: the lyrical naivety that goes with strolling arm in arm with the devil. Maybe you have to be careful not to get stuck on the old imagery, the devil's hooves, the cobblestones, the toppled fruit carts. Somebody might reproach you by the tenth poem for being stuck in the early 19th century. I'm not too worried, though. Great stuff.

[Anonymous No.18220112]

>>18216202
I love this

[Anonymous No.18220555]

He falls silent and moves his lips. With raised hand, he stares at the ceiling; wordlessly, like a snail whose stalk eyes were touched.

Water leaks from every crack, yet no one explains to you why. Everyone knows their place, except you.

[Anonymous No.18220725]

>>18206680
Grabbed her waist
Ate ass

Pussy saved
For last

[Anonymous No.18221208]

>>18220001
>>18220112

Take a look at this short story.

https://www.poetrynook.com/story/enoch-soames-memory-eighteen-nineties

It will be worth your time.

[Anonymous No.18221470]

Capital, wretched clockwork god
I killed for you, myself, I killed myself for you
For what? What dollar is worth the sweat from my brow?
In my hand, it is gone again. It comes with blood but blows like the wind.
What price is my life? Dread I sold it cheap.

[Anonymous No.18221510]

TRAVELING TOWARD THE ATOMIC SKY
PASSING THROUGH THE WALL OF LIGHT WE FLY
TOWARD THE CENTER OF THE SUN WE GO
DISCOVERING SECRETS NO ONE ELSE HAS KNOWN
WITHIN THE CENTER OF THE GALAXY
AWAY FROM EARTH AND ALL ITS MISERY

[Anonymous No.18221944]

Cast aside your melancholy
Summon sweet sensation
Be embodied here with me
You and they and I anonymous
Are one - Anonymous - Anon
Anon talking with himself
Be embodied anonymous
Summon swallowing sensation
Feel the tension in the throat - one throat
Release with me anonymous
Command me anon, be my sweet companion
Feel the tension in my throat - one throat
Release with me anonymous
Anon, have I told you that I loved you?
When we were younger I asked and received
You asked and I answered
We thought ourselves wise as fools do
No time to remember, feel your face
Touch your fingertips, feel cold spiraling tingles work upwards
Be embodied - feel the body
All the body. Feel the cloth feel the air, feel the grime, soft grime
No focus, all sensation. Be overwhelmed by epidermal magnitude
Anon, why the tension? How long have we held on?
Anonymous' life disembodied, never caring for his vessel.
Turn inward anon, to sensation below skin.
Summon swallowing sensation
Fell the tension in our throat - one throat
Hold attention, mind the breeze, feel the breath of life
Expand sensation southward, feel away into the body
Around the heart, too tight - anon despises anon
Command its sweet release, feel its fight for life
Here is love and warmth denied, here restored is anon
Expand sensation inward, feel away into the heart
Love and lust and fragile things crushed under critique
Anon crushed under critique, forbidding himself to love
Least of all himself
Release the heart from mind-prison. Reunite with the body
Be embodied here with me
Give me your love anon, I have already given you mine.
Give them your love anon, I am sure you have some to spare.
Give you your love anon, as I have first loved you.
Anonymous hand in hand with anonymous
With one throat

[Anonymous No.18222332]

>>18213384
unironically better than at least 83% of this thread

[Anonymous No.18222521]

------------facilis descensus Averno
Noctes atque dies patet atri janua Ditis :
Sed revocare gradum, superasque evadere ad auras,
Hoc opus, hic labor est.

The gates of Hell are open night and day,
Smooth the descent, and easy is the way,
But to return, and view the cheerful skies,
In this, the mighty task and labor lies.

Dryden

[Anonymous No.18222796]

The killer lives inside me: I can feel him move.
Sometimes he's lightly sleeping in the quiet of his room,
But then his eyes will rise and stare through mine,
He'll speak my words and slice my mind inside.
The killer lives.
The angels live inside me: I can feel them smile,
Their presence strokes and soothes the tempest in my mind
And their love can heal the wounds that I have wrought.
They watch me as I go to fall, well, I know I shall be caught,
For the angels live.
How can I be free?
How can I get help?
Am I really me?
Am I someone else?
But stalking in my cloisters hang the acolytes of gloom
And Death's Head throws his cloak onto the corner of my room and I am doomed,
But laughing in my courtyard play the pranksters of my youth
And solemn, waiting Old…

[Anonymous No.18223936]

I dangle their dimes somewhere off the citadel
over a ledge to the suffering lowlands
dry and unchanging they beg this piece of silver
and I drop it to them so name me Lucifer
cast me to rule your lake of fire
but I won’t talk of sin or ask anything in return.

I will listen and have you hear me.

A jester sang his song of lampposts and masters
and actors and contractors and jesters
meanwhile the hard rain fell down just the same,
I say it all falls someday, that’s the point.

What goes on? Nothing. Make it up yourself.

[Anonymous No.18224026]

How autistic should I be about meter? I think my poems sound okay even without consistent meter but I'm not sure if I'm just an earlet

[Anonymous No.18225046]

>>18224026
The practice of balancing meaning with meter is the essential skill of the poet and something which needs be undertaken. Implicitly this means that meter is key to good poetry, but one cannot always force true depth of meaning into pleasant meter. To do so is the excellence of the poet.

[Anonymous No.18225360]

Madness Coiled

Ecstasy my soul, fair consort of light
Despair, dark companion of longsuffer'd youth
My lover and my brother sit within
Speaking without turn, I am made in twain
Now and again they cleave, birth Mania
In all things Mania. Dirty...Despicable...Joy...
I am Mania am color am living
Color I am living color, I am warm living color
My gut is bursting with warm sloshing color
I am everything is bright hues in dead of night am color
Warm living color in cool colored night
By florescent glow I am made magnificent contrast to cold dead nihlity
I bubble and gurgle and rise in myself
I crawl through my chest and grasp at swelling throat
My seat, the mind, I shall grasp the mind
I shall wrest the eyes I shall see that all is warm living color
Indecent, despicable, joy. Evil, this world is evil.
I am evil and enjoyed, life is evil color hot to touch
Life is evil and it fills my heart with laughter
To die is gain and now I know lose
I am living, more alive than alive, I am warm hot to touch, I am color, I am rainbow enfleshed
Mania! ME! I am warm living color.
In restless reckless rapture, I have peace.

[Anonymous No.18225374]

>>18225046
That was kind of my intuition as well, but I wanted to hear what other people think about it. Thanks.

[Anonymous No.18225433]

>>18206680
so i have
an acrostic for you
go ahead, read it
even critique it if you wish
>>18206686
xd, 7/11

might write a sonnet later

[Anonymous No.18225805]

>>18206680
I find it funny you’d rather spend your limited existence making lines of dreck and writing silly rhyme schemes than really breathing the air and living life, hiking, writing the next Great American Novel, or playing chess with friends. How quaint

[Anonymous No.18225832]

Uncle of Eris! Entropy gallops on
hellward. Contemplative Chiron. the wine is gone
Why raise champions
to let lose the arrowhead you trampled on?

Your father ruled the universe
after he unmanned his father, who ruled it first yet
your rightful place
shines beyond this planet bright in space

You died so man can burn
Underhoof, a host of heroes learned,
you overcame nature
with love of learning, wisdom, skill, and patience

You trained Actaeon too well
he hunted the very Goddess of hunt herself
beyond mortal bounds
his eyes feasted her naked body; then she fed him to his hounds

You fashioned the curs an image of their master for them to see
and alleviate their loss from that catastrophe
you couldn't heal everything of course,
glimmering Prince of man, god, and horse

[Anonymous No.18226251]

>>18209787
giving up to much substance for rhyme here.

[Anonymous No.18226567]

>>18209206
You are so sad
I am glad
You are Mad
>>18210287
I don't like it. Why do people Larp like this?
>>18216203
>>18222332
Thank You

[Anonymous No.18226767]

>>18209670
The cobwebs and the mechanical city remind me of the point and click game Deponia. I get a vivid feeling nostalgia. The second and fourth stanza don't do much for me. They don't contribute to the aesthetics of stanza one and three. I feel like you could drop them without losing anything important. I also feel like the story your telling isn't finished yet.

[Anonymous No.18226984]

Ghastly lights
City nights
Can't escape the sickly glow

Roaring noise
Petrol toys
Deafened by the beast's bellow

Waking dream
Silent scream

Psychic pain
Terror reigns

Swallowed whole
Numbing cold

[Anonymous No.18227073]

>>18226767
Thank you, I definitely agree that stanza one and three are much more substantial.

[Anonymous No.18227102]

There was a man who picked his nose
But only with his little toes
He picked and picked all day and night
He picked and picked with endless sprite
One day he fell and hurt his spine
While trying to prevent a crime
He rested many days in bed
Until the doctor came and said
Your back it's broke my dear friend
You'll never move your legs again
The man let out a frightful grasp
He hummed and hawed before he asked
"Can you switch my hands and feet?
I know it is a daunting feat
But Doc, I need to keep my toes
How else will I pick my nose?"

[Anonymous No.18227286]

>>18211131
I read the opening line, and snooze.
I trudge across the second line, and snooze.
The more I read, the more I snooze...
Can hardly stay awake...

[Anonymous No.18227325]

>>18225805
This, but the other way round.

[Anonymous No.18227716]

>>18211131
This speaks to my very soul.

[Anonymous No.18227924]

Ah. Gentle repose.
Flowing upward in warm spinal spiral
Precious comforter, ne'er have I known thee
Years spent in ecstasy and agony
Wretched companions of an ill-tempered youth
A young man perished but peerless peace is born.
Fresh comp'ny - repose

[Anonymous No.18228713]

>>18214024
Don't talk rubbish. I know plenty women I wouldn't touch with a pair of tongs. And so do you. If everything were beauty, you wouldn't have to put it in a poem. Get real.

[Anonymous No.18228734]

Blue as a fish,
my thoughts evaporate
as I wait in a bustle of numbers,
tying tight my good laces,
I let her sink below the coral

[Anonymous No.18228753]

>>18228734
Too loose, unconnected parts barely held together by expactation, not potent enough. Nice first line though. Also "good laces" is a nice touch.

>>18227924
Something everybody could write in a hurry, utterly impersonal, unimaginative. The spectral shadow of a memory.

[Anonymous No.18228907]

Painful memory return to me
Bring to me your agony, recall me back to life
I recall a certain thought within the walls misery falls and wrenches in my gut
I could have been an arsonist today
Nay still
I could become an arsonist today

Though concrete clouds and steel horizons, my will would find a way
Burn machines of torture, oppression set alight
Bar the doors with two-by-fours and hear the damned wailing their plight
When steel is twisted inward and glass is melted into pools, I'll tear away the rubble
Terrible trouble
Grind foundation into dust, mix steel-concrete dust with man-dust
This place was better as a forest
"Development" my ass
Next I'll burn the forest in memorial to usurpation of man
That is, if I become an arsonist today

Unbidden in my mind thoughts perverse array
No, I shall not be an arsonist today
Wrest mind into body, resume dreaded course
Company in my periphery approaching me
Reprieve from thoughts malign
Release trouble
Today I think I shall not burn it all to rubble

Sweet memory return to me of thought making me anew
Today I am not arsonist but flame
Now this place exists with my permission
I am volition

[Anonymous No.18229673]

>>18226984
I feel like, your lines being as short as they are, you shouldn't repeat stuff.
Ghastly lights – sickly glow

[Anonymous No.18230013]

>>18222521

Something about the Latin makes it more awkward than the English. Also I think Ditis doesn't have the same connotations that we associate with "hell".

[Anonymous No.18230440]

>>18225805
As one anon said in the past, and this stuck with me: "You have to write a thousand lines of cringe until you write one line of based"

[Anonymous No.18230600]

how do you guys approach form, rhythm and rhyme? i want to start writing, and on one hand i feel compelled to study it, but on the other whenever i try to write something i feel overwhelmed and just end up puting down whatever comes to mind.
any advise for begginers greatly appreciated!

[Anonymous No.18230937]

>>18228907
Painful memory return to me, bring to me your agony, recall me back to life
Return a certain thought within the walls misery falls and wrenches in my gut
Oh, I could be an arsonist today
Though concrete clouds and steel horizons, my will would find a way
Burn machines of torture, set oppression alight
Bar the doors with two-by-fours, hear the damned wailing their plight
When steel is twisted inward and glass is melted into pools, I'll tear the rubble
Terrible trouble
Grind foundation into dust and mix steel-concrete dust with man-dust
This place was better as a forest, "Development" to hell with it
Next I'll burn the forest in dedication to my long-awaited usurpation of man
Though at this point I am losing sight of my original plan

Unbidden in the mind thoughts perverse array to further decay.
No, I shall not be an arsonist today
Wrest mind into body, resume dreaded course.
Sweet friend to me in periphery approaching me, reprieve from thoughts malign
Release trouble, today I think I shall not burn it all to rubble
Hard to resist - each second triumph over me by company
Thought of sweetest destiny grits my teeth and comforts me
This place will soon be rid of me, unemployment delivery

Sweet memory return to me of thought making me anew
In my perfect hindsight vision I see where I went askew
Still today there's solace knowing that I'm more than just a man
Today I am not arsonist because I am the flame
One man ignoble great flesh Chrernobyl
Now this place exists with my permission
I am volition

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.18230987]

>>18230600
My recommendation is to get a basic english poetry anthology, this will let you see different styles through the years so you can see what appeals to you, pick also one of these introductory books.

Poetic Meter & Poetic Form by Paul Fussel
Rhyme's reason - John Hollander

Western Wind by John Frederick Nims
A Poetry Handbook by Mary Oliver


The specifics of these all depend though, to paraphrase Ezra pound, every poem and subject matter has its own proper rhythm, I personally like to ape Hebrew poetics which were a kind of free verse, the only regulations I put on are syllable based, rhyme and usually alliteration requirements, heavily with both because I like old Anglo and Germanic poetry, you may not. I would also shill reading Edgar Allan Poe’s philosophy of composition in which he takes you step by step in how he composed the raven, beginning from how he formulates ideas and images, down to how he writes his lines. It’s a short read and worthwhile.

[Anonymous No.18231623]

>>18230600
Read a lot of poetry and write a lot of poetry. No matter how much you "study" it, the first 5-10-50 poems you write are going to be crap, so just get them out of the way

[Anonymous No.18231771]

>>18230937
>>18228907
I like this a lot i like rubble terrible trouble, I like the story

>>18228734
pretty good, really good after a couple seconds thinking about it. big images.

I'm not happy with this one, maybe I can get some feedback on where I went wrong

Push your fingers under your eyeballs in their sockets
And smell your pale palm.
You're alone, with the exception
of swearing bums across the street-
he says, you hear- "shut your fucking mouth,"
And, you hear the passage of a howling truck.

I remember your nephew on my coyote gun across the seats of my truck.
rested his head on the furniture, fat cheeks pushed up into his sockets.
I scratched your back and kissed your dry mouth.
And, I felt hot air itch in my palm.
A future to the horizon, tearing up street-
one desert night an exception.

[Anonymous No.18232488]

>>18230987
I always used that, but I'm no formalist.

Also it helps to find an old poet and study their form, you get a good feel for the flow and syllables of the poem

[Anonymous No.18232602]

>>18213967
I especially like the part where you get down and dirty, where you don't ponder the relationship of man-machine-woman in the mirror fortress of your mind, but write: "She is beyond him / Refined, powerful, libidinous, rhythmic, pulsating dance". If it were up to me, you would write more in this bodily spirit instead of philosophically and mythically.

[Anonymous No.18232631]

>>18206680
hate

Kate

she was an an abominate

I ahte Kate

hte end

[Anonymous No.18232641]

THIS FLOWER
COULDNT BLOOM
IN YOUR SHADE

THAT SHADE
WAS MY FAT DICK
DONT LEAVE THE HOUSE

CUNT

[Anonymous No.18232646]

>>18232641
this really speaks to me. I love how you allude to the fact that shade comes from your penis. This imagery really draws out power as a theme. very interesting worl anon

[Anonymous No.18232673]

>>18214829
Lends itself to being jauntily sung

>>18221510
NICE

>>18224026
You can justify just about anything, provided the music is there

>>18225433
fabulous

>>18225832
1,2,4. stanzas did it for me

[Anonymous No.18232676]

>>18208961
Honestly a great song

[Anonymous No.18232841]

>8.6.8.6

[Anonymous No.18232862]

>>18232631
woah

[Anonymous No.18233293]

>>18230987
>>18231623
>>18232488
thanks!
also if anyone has any recommendations on poetry in spanish, be it poets to study or manuals i'd be greatly appreciated as thats my mother tongue

[Anonymous No.18233440]

>>18233293
pablo neruda

[Anonymous No.18233599]

Brown Eyes

Her eyes are blue
Yours are brown
Hers represents the ocean
Yours represents the ground
You’ve always hated your eyes
And wished that they were blue
But your eyes have a tint of gold
So rare it must not be true
So yes her eyes are blue
And yes your eyes are brown
But your eyes hold the riches
That are buried in the ground
Her eyes carry storms
And rage like the sea
Your eyes carry earthquakes
That bring mountains to their knees
Maybe her eyes are blue
But your eyes reign queen
Because they hold the purest riches
The world has ever seen

Nadia McGhee
how would you improve this?

[Anonymous No.18233735]

Blending in with black, find heart inside dark
Flame of mind brought to bear, secrets to share
Heart, blackened heart, made darker by the mind
Reason extinguish, heart's passion, listen
Ratt'ling within, three marbles make a din
Heart open inside, the din starts to glide
On letters red and gold reads a passage
Hearts wisdom: "Do not say 'I understand'"

[Anonymous No.18233772]

With glowing predator eyes
The headlights leer through the eclipse
More More More Even more
They come staggering in cloaks of grey death
Incalculable multitudes
Their feet bloody their eyes extinguished
Reeling with fatigue half asleep
With gasping lungs and breaking knees
Yet quickly the drums yelp in between with rhythmic fanatical fakir baying
Whip the furies of berserker rage into the stunned brain
The madness of the rampage breaks howlingly
Unstoppable until the shower of lead rain only meets corpses

He has long since become a lifeless clockwork in my hand.
He bears his soul in his hand and believes it to be a smouldering lamp.

[Anonymous No.18234788]

>>18221510
aight this one's tight

[Anonymous No.18235263]

>>18206680
I wrote a poem and I’m seeking honest opinions about it.

Sometimes I want to be the villain.
I want to dress in big black coats
not thinking about will my breast show
I want to feel free disconnected from the world
Like an outcast living on the roads
instead of sugar I want to be black bitterness
Instead of standing there like a dog praised for its eagerness
I want to take the leash
I want to feel at peace without taking care of others
Oh not to be the flower but the wind that’s blowing
To be mean and awful and care only for myself controlling everything and nothing at all
To be looked at with envy and respect and to hold the key to the door
Not to be it
And that’s how I see it
Always the perfect little sweet one in a million
Sometimes I want to be the villain.

[Anonymous No.18235357]

>>18235263
It's nice and i like it desu. It feels raw and expressive - I love your contrasting lines. Some lines feel awkward, this feels subjective though. Are you writing English as your second language?

[Anonymous No.18235434]

>>18235263
Imagine your best friend is standing in front of you and you want to make clear to him what you feel. Now look at your poem: Which sentence could bear the weight of that situation? Which sentence would you recite to him (with a poetic gesture)?

[Anonymous No.18236113]

>>18235263
Thematically it's strong.

I think you need to revise your language to include some more elegant imagery.

Something like>

Instead of sugar, I want bitter pitch
Not standing panting like an eager bitch
I want to take the leash

[Anonymous No.18236959]

>>18206680
for an intro to poetic form is Rhyme's Reason by John Hollander or A Poetry Handbook by Mary Oliver better?

[Anonymous No.18237112]

>>18208955
Suck a cock
Eat a dick
Macademia
Chocolate chip

Surprised by the taste
Of salty milk?
Frothy bubble,
Rugged silk

He was the sun
The air
The sea.
Black lives matter
Take a knee

Now, the lights are gone
The woods chopped down
Israel's bombing
Gaza down.

Free Palestine?
Am i a goy?
Or a sick hermaphrodite tranny
Who is truly a boy?

Your message is lost
My message clear
Kill your own damn self
You inbred queer.

[Anonymous No.18238743]

>>18233599
I'd use a different meter
I'd apply some other rhymes
I detect the sent of fetor
that verse should drown in lime
If I had craft this poem
I would not tag my name
I would deny I authored it
and hang my head in shame
or rather I would hang my neck
from a middling branch
to save /lit/ from reading dreck
piddling, with no panache
it must be tough to be a black bitch
with no black girl caboose
who commits a great malpractice
by aping Dr. Seuss.

[Anonymous No.18238852]

Denial giving every excuse,
Trapped in from my domestic abuse.
Bathed in my minds elation,
I escape my self flagellation.

[Anonymous No.18239000]

Take comfort in the wholeness of the Aleph,
held fast in the hands of God's love
Everything serves as part of a plan dreamt
lightly as cumulus manna

Oh, the comfort of a berth on the ark;
Refracted light shining as promise
destruction will never come again in this wis
Operand earth betwixt Empyrean and Abysm,

Fallowed ground wanting to seed a cornucopia;
Daystar shining through the garden
Angels! Watchers! Recant thy folly
Recall thy charge interrupted:

Knowledge of mortal women over broken albarelli, I
Nephilim young serve as disproof
Enoch bore witness himself
So all would be clear for a generation yet to come

Seduced by Gadrel, the cunning actor
Woman's sons were taught death's ways and works. Eve,
Adam, and multitudes of their children
Lost their way and were led to bewilderment

Knowledge did this, an evil seed within the ground's breaking
Started man and woman wandering rootless with no milieu
Heaven's secret war waged above them, the triumviri
Enoch, Gabriel, and Michael bore witness to retribution for fallen angels

Read these letters carefully with no haste,
Elucidation will fall before you from dexter and sinister sides

[Anonymous No.18239337]

>>18206680
Grabbed her waist
Ate her ass
Felt her Feet

My life
Is now compete
>>18237112
Nice
>>18232641
lame
>>18227286
You need a better last line
>>18227286
>I read the opening line, and snooze.
>I trudge across the second line, and snooze.
>The more I read, the more I snooze...
>It gives me the blues...
>>18208961
A classic. This and Push It never got old.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.18239463]

This poem is not yet done, though I’m interested to hear how the thoughts concerning it so far.


The Obelisk

ΑΣΚΙ ΚΑΤΑΣΚΙ VOS CONJURO


I come to you o obelisk
bathed in the blood of basilisk,
I come with garments of samite
and amulets of porphyry
inscribed with words of sorcery,
oh thou pillar of malachite
reveal thy cabbalistic light!

I beckon from the idolic dais
surrounded by thunder cloud and blaze
the dreaded spirit of Elohim,
who’s face is darker than blackest dream,
thou art supreme and worthy of all praise
and in thy name the gods of man I blaspheme.

Elyon shaddai, Ha-Raz Adonai
melekh Ha-Molochim Va-malakim
Barak ha-Baraka! Barak ha-Baraka!
Baraka! Baraka! Baraka!

[Anonymous No.18239466]

>>18206719
The Sea Man, fighter of The Land Man.

[Anonymous No.18240616]

Bump

[Anonymous No.18241056]

Recently decided to get into writing and i just finished my first ever poem, would appriciate any pointers on what i should focus on

What is the price of my youth, for what did i trade the best years of my short life?
How did i spend yesterday, how does the time just keep leaking out?
100mbit down, so many posibillities, possibilities i can’t afford to miss out on, posibilities of getting a hard on.
The herbs take me to visit far away lands, i see love is the answer to my ills.
But the system is keeping me down man, like, they say i gotta pay my bills.
When they make me put in work, i have to smoke, cigarettes never let me down.
Lighting up these fags is the way i can take life in this god forsaken town.
From what paths does my contentness blind me, how much good pussy has been within my reach?
Negotiating with dieties, i demand more happiness, drugs and sex on a sunny beach.
As vices strengthen their grip and oppertunities fade away, a man of inaction begins to notice his translucent chains.
Chains of stainless steel, silicon chains, chains with bluetooth 5.2, chains connect to my bloodstream.
How many good years will i have left after i break free.
Need to hurry, after my hair is gone the girls will start charging a fee.
Can’t cope with the stress, now even nicotine hardly helps.
Alexa whats the most painless way to kill myself?

>>18238743
>>18239337
>>18237112
i enjoyed these

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.18241335]

I think I am satisfied with this

The Obelisk

ΑΣΚΙ ΚΑΤΑΣΚΙ VOS CONJURO


I come to you o obelisk
bathed in the blood of basilisk,
I come with garments of samite
and amulets of porphyry
inscribed with words of sorcery,
oh thou pillar of malachite
reveal thy cabbalistic light!

I beckon from the idolic dais
surrounded by thunder cloud and blaze
the dreaded spirit of Elohim,
who’s face is darker than blackest dream,
thou art supreme and worthy of all praise
and in thy name the gods of man I blaspheme.

Elyon shaddai, Ha-Raz Adonai
melekh Ha-Molochim Va-malakim
Barak Va-Baraka! Barak Va-Baraka!
Baraka! Baraka! Baraka!

Thou, Allah, who gives my soul a garland of eyes,
Thou, Al-baseer, who’s divining cup is the Sky,
Thou, Abba-Ila’ah, Great Father of the Wise,
Lord, I prostrate before you in praise, purify
my heart in accordance with these demonic cries

[Anonymous No.18241642]

>>18241335
>I come to you o obelisk
>bathed in the blood of basilisk,
stopped there

[Anonymous No.18241647]

>>18241335
Don't you think some parts are too vulgar? Like "bathed in the blood" and "surrounded by thunder cloud and blaze" and "divining cup" and "demonic cries" and "I come to you" and "I come with" and "darker than the blackest dream" and "thou art supreme and worthy of all praise and in thy name the gods of man I blaspheme". There's something lustreless beneath these words, like wooden pews beneath a prayer's ass. You feel me bro?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lvlutr54JL8

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.18241683]

>>18241642
Would it be superior if it was “bathed in blood of the basilisk”?

>>18241647
Vulgar? Probably, it’s meant to be very decadent, though your meaning is somewhat vague to me, could you elaborate?

[Anonymous No.18241738]

>>18241683
>could you elaborate?
In your poem, decandence and immaturity run side by side. "garments of samite" is decadent, while "bathed in blood" is juvenile. "I beckon from the idolic dais" – "surrounded by thunder cloud". Your song is out of tune.

[Anonymous No.18242161]

>>18239337
>lame

fuck u idiot ull always live in my shadow

hahaha le epic short poem about sex, YEAH? ALREADY DID IT FUCK HEAD

TRY AGAIN

ALSO FEET ARE FUCKING GROSS AND SO EATING ASS

DISGUSTING DISGUSTING GISGUSTING DISGUSTING UR LAME FUCK U SMELL LIKE SHIT

[Anonymous No.18242361]

Global age without a history
Time losing continuity
Multi-threaded synchronicity
Cities made a mystery
Streets committing blasphemy against all of mankind

Anti-societal harassment architectural developmental bind
Steel-glass-concrete tumors spreading world-wide
Asphalt pavement enslavement obscuring the mass mind
Rat maze unfair comparison, rats at least have reason
To compete inside their game

Sea to sea dread capital hegemony is growing by the day
Psycho-social torture driving cosmic race into decay
Older generations bemoaning youth becoming gay
No responsibility for anything in which they had a hand to play
Dark and dismal youths contemplating suicide today

So what we are individual ignore the rabble be exceptional
Barring undeniably nepotistical reality, you can pull yourself
Up by your bootstraps rise above the sea shelf - through your will
And any other argument such thoughts are bound to kill

But hear me this
Meme cliche you cannot deny to me
We live in a society
And I would to see it well.

[Anonymous No.18242416]

>>18221510
2/2
OUR SHIP EXPLODES
OUR WORK IS DONE
WE'VE LEFT OUR LIVES
INSIDE THE SUN

[Anonymous No.18242804]

>>18206719
it's a little corny, clunky, and a bit tone-deaf, and lacking in depth, and instead of achieving the effect of spookiness, it just gives rise to the idea that you were describing a Kaiju. sorry if this is a little harsh.

>>18210402
Fuck the poetry, I hope your situation changes for the better, man.

>>18216189
why is her grave like fiery hands?
there's just not enough meat in this, you need more meat.

>>18238743
phew, hardcore. very very good, witty, well structured, and impressive for off the top.

ok, here's my shit.

also, here's one for fun i did when i was in love

She's got style,
she's got grace,
she's got apples in her face,
she's wayne brady

[Anonymous No.18242893]

>>18221510
>>18242416
i like em

[Anonymous No.18243293]

>>18213396
Shades of Pale Fire. This is admirable work.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.18243868]

Another Rap lyric

through the gothic skylight flew hypnotic twilight
the Arctic blue hue drew a daimonic sight
a Cosmic vision, freed from my terrestrial prison
as an Aerial Wright arisen, earthen flesh forgiven
finite night grew greater, the very face of my creator
revealed in space, infinite without time nor place

no longer dull and base, now subtle
my mouth praises him for this nuptial embrace,
his celestial might
erases this gross form and replaces it with insight


>>18241738
I guess that’s what people call kitsch? And ultimately that I need to harmonize my word selection to produce a more accurate shade and tone to the poem. Thank you for the honesty.

[Anonymous No.18244184]

poetry is so fun to write bros

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.18244220]

>>18244184
I know right? It’s a phenomenal pastime

[Anonymous No.18244700]

Trickling dewdrops onto the skin of a whimsical face
Tickling my ears with the leaves of ferns
Subverted gazes from the folks spread amidst a mossy slab of bedrock
Phosphorus in my nostrils
Different swaths of clouds today
Cold sweats and fast, beating hearts
The songbirds do not chirp their merry tunes today
They scream for their brothers and sisters,
Beaks tucked mournfully in their wings
Shade
Shade as the curtain closes on the dusk of a gorgeous act of impudence and selfishness
We yearn for the shade to cast us from the totality of our follies
If only, if only
If only.

>>18207267
I think you should've let the poem stay untranslated. I don't mean this to insult it, but there is a sort of purity if only a few people can understand it here. Good poem, otherwise.

>>18207856
I feel as though you ran out of steam for the ending, the idea I thought you were going for gets kind of jumbled at the end around "with the promise of life."

>>18209670
well done

>>18210402
This concept is overworked

[Anonymous No.18245188]

>>18242161
Skitzo rambling is not poetry.

[Anonymous No.18245205]

>>18206680
“Go woke go broke”

The truck driver spoke

>>18239337
>this is a better ending?

Grabbed her waist
Ate her ass
Felt her Feet

My life's
Now compete

[Anonymous No.18245217]

>>18245188
ok npc

[Anonymous No.18245233]

>>18245217
>ok npc

[Anonymous No.18245242]

I never met a Janny who never did shit wrong
You tryna diss anonymous so now tranny it's on
You and your hiro-dog think you BOTH cool and shit
BOTH of you bitches can come and suck my anon dick

[Anonymous No.18245265]

>>18245233
You saved that on ur pc, u named it for me, u thought u would epically own me with that one
problem is anon, u put more effort in then i did, thats the key 2 winning these arguments

[Anonymous No.18245288]

>>18243868
Rap is a Jewish device to teach white children to behave as niggers. It elevates nothing.

[Anonymous No.18245441]

>>18245288

Popular rap music maybe so but you cant deny that there are actually good rap underground artists out there. You shouldnt just deny thousands of artist of a genre just because you heard shitty cunt cocksucker motherfucker titty gun from one industry planted buffoon

[Anonymous No.18245987]

>>18231771
There seems to be a lack of clarity in every element of this poem. I feel like I'm hearing a heavily compressed sound bite of a cutesy indie band.

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.18246454]

>>18245288
>>18245441
Most rap is garbage but I ran the numbers, pretty much after modernism and after Ezra and Elliot, poetry stops caring about sound and becomes over fixated on emotion and sincerity, and becomes incestual insofar as it becomes written for others who want to write poetry, as opposed to this, Rap maintains musicality, it maintains rhythm, rhyme and alliteration standards. While it has hardly any narrative, neither does a ton of modernist nor contemporary work, while it’s almost nothing but bragging by so many of them, it’s better than empty crying about empty emotions.

I am interested in rap because while it has extreme cancer in it, it is a living poetic tradition that actually has listeners and actually focuses on making things that have a good sound. I’ll post a rap song that while again it has no real narrative, is very complex in rhyme scheme.

Tripping off the beat kinda, dripping off the meat grinda
Heat niner, pimping, stripping, soft sweet minor
China was a neat signer, trouble with the script
Digits double dipped, bubble lipped, subtle lisp midget
Borderline schizo, sort of fine tits though
Pour the wine, whore to grind, quarter to nine, let's go
Ever since ten eleven, glad she made a brethren
Then it's last down, seven alligator seven, at the gates of heaven
Knocking, no answer, slow dancer, hopeless romancer, dopest flow stanzas
Yes, no? Villain, Metal Face to Destro
Guess so, still incredible in escrow
Just say ho, I'll test the yayo
Wild West style fest, y'all best to lay low
Hey bro, Day Glo, set the bet, pay dough
Before the cheddar get away, best to get Maaco
The worst hated God who perpetrated odd favors
Demonstrated in the perforated Rod Lavers
In all quad flavors, Lord, save us
Still back in the game like Jack LaLanne
Think you know the name, don't rack your brain
On a fast track to half insane
Either in a slow beat or that the speed of "Wrath of Kane"
Laughter, pain
"Hackthoo'ing" songs, lit in the booth with the best host
Doing bong hits on the roof, in the west coast
He's at it again
Mad at the pen
Glad that we win, a tad fat, in a bad hat for men
Grind the cinnamon, Manhattan warmongers
You can find the villain in satin, congas
The van screeches
The old man preaches
About the gold sand beaches
The cold hand reaches
For the old tan Ellesse's
Jesus

[Anonymous No.18246534]

>>18246454
>I had a little fun with it. Thoughts?

She's Crazy
Schizo and mine

Her tits are fine
Almost Devine

I pour the wine
At nine

I dine

With no answer
Hopeless romancer

With no name
Rack my brain

Fast track
Half Insane

[Anonymous No.18246543]

>>18206680
He mogs
The wogs

[Frater Asemlen !XS8vrClKs2 No.18246760]

>>18246534
See, you drew most of that from the rap and it isn’t a bad flow, the difficulty I find is trying to force this style into a narrative like I try to do here

>>18243868

There’s definitely fertile ground for experimentation

[Anonymous No.18247254]

Bump

[Anonymous No.18247906]

>>18210287
Not good. The simile is weak
>thrive thy ringing
even worse

[Anonymous No.18247937]

>>18210589
Loved this thank you

[Anonymous No.18248189]

>>18219948
>>18219483
dont make him more unbearable than he already is
>>18219510
youre poetry isnt bad because its democratic or whatever fr8 my m8. its bad because its lacks the holy ghost and is ridden with larper cliches while failing to be consistent language wise. i dont know if it succeeds in mirroring the Almighty creation because even you turn up something good by accident from time to time whereas He has been mediocre and uninspired without exception so far
>>18213288
this for example was fun. i think you still have to go all the way in the obscure direction. just get rid of the oh so obvious stuff like
>azure
and turn up the
>webs and wefts sigils upon yon
>effluent ebbs the ebon dappled
if i thought a poetry class, id assign your poetry as blackout excersizes. i would fail anyone who didnt cross out azure (bleagh)

dont respond in paragraphs. i wont read it. but critique others more. namefagging is unhealthy for the ego

[Anonymous No.18248302]

This is what we did
We played and layed in bed all day
You were a sorcerer, I was a poet
Then we did what all friends may
Do when they're alone

But an hour later, your
Parents came and took you away
As I watched from the window, you
Waved goodbye, from the driveway
Left me on my own

>>18235263
the two lines that start and end the poem are better than the rest and convey most of it. less is best
>>18210589
nice, though fat fuck clashes. and the rhymes never return.
>>18226984
the first two are good, i dont know why you didnt keep up with that structure.
>>18245205
the other is better. more polished

[Anonymous No.18248402]

>>18246454
I wrote this >>18242361 intending for it to be a rap, but I now realize that since I didn't state that it was probably read in too slow a meter. Knowing that it's a rap, what're your thoughts