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/lit/ - Literature

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18097398 No.18097398 [Reply] [Original]

The room was dark. Water was dripping from the ceiling, onto the cold, hard floor. It smelled slightly of strawberry scented perfume. He sat up, distinctly confused. "Where..... am I?" He mumbled.

A girly, cute sounding voice sounded from behind him. "My super cute lair".

He whipped his head around. "....You couldn't be more than 14 years old, what is this..... some kind of prank?"

"Prank..? That's a funny word to use to describe what I'm gonna do to you." She winked at him.

He, in a jerky motion, attempted to get up. He couldn't. He was chained to the ground.

"Hey... now you're gonna tell me what the hell is happening, right now, or-"

"You talk like you have any power in this situation. You... don't. As we can both see... you're a bit constrained. So let's calm it down a bit, shall we?" She giggled to herself. "I'm actually surprised you didn't notice the chains when you spun your head around." She stared at him with a small smile, almost taunting him.

"Calm it down? I just woke up in some fucking dungeon, and you're telling me to calm it down?" His eyes roared with anger.

She reached into her pocket, pulling out lip gloss. She uncapped it, and slowly applied it.

"Hmmm, you seem upset. Wanna try my new peach gloss? Maybe it will help calm you down."

"What, do you think this is a joke, you prepubescent fuck?" He angrily went to raise his fist, but quickly remembered that he couldn't.

How shitty is the beginning of my story?

>> No.18097410

>>18097398
Not sure what joke you're trying to make here, but that is godawful.

>> No.18097421

>>18097398
Cut down on the anime a bit

>> No.18097448

>>18097410
damn really
the premise is a young girl (around 14-15) traps a 20-21 year old guy in her "lair" and the rest needs to be fleshed out. there is gonna be a backstory about her lair and all of that and how he ended up there and shit.
>>18097421
fuck, you can tell? kind of based ngl. i kind of want it to seem anime ish. its that obvious though?

>> No.18097458

>>18097398
I'm sorry but your writing of a 14 year old girl is just unconvincing.
Also he calls her prepubescent but that's obviously a mistake.

>> No.18097474

>>18097448
Maybe

>> No.18097491

>>18097398
Based, describe the physicality of the girl and you’ll be beyond based

>> No.18097519
File: 21 KB, 720x423, https___s3-images.ladbible.com_s3_content_4a8b871856cfef36fab430ce838f3698.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
18097519

>>18097398
This reads like something I would've busted a fat fucking nut to at age 13, please post to AO3 so my heirs can have the opportunity I did not.

>> No.18097521

>>18097448
>damn really
Anon, it's horrible. If it's written for fun or for a fetish website or something, god bless you. But if this is supposed to end up as a book I'd spend more time reading and less time watching anime.

>> No.18097584

>>18097398
>You couldn't be more than 14 years old
>As we can both see... you're a bit constrained.
>I'm actually surprised you didn't notice the chains when you spun your head around.
>I just woke up in some fucking dungeon

>> No.18097598

>>18097519
Are you 40 or something? FF.net and livejournal was full of this stuff.

>> No.18097661

>>18097448
if you're not baiting this is fucking golden
anon im so sorry but it's curdled dogshit

>> No.18097663

>>18097584
This is anime dialogue. It's used to deliver exposition while keeping production costs low. While it helps your braindead audience follow the story, it also makes your characters sound like morons. You don't have production costs, anon. There's no excuse for this.

>> No.18097683
File: 223 KB, 746x662, 1614036541493.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
18097683

>> No.18097690

>>18097398
What a terrible day to have eyes.

>> No.18097702
File: 248 KB, 500x335, interesting...png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
18097702

>>18097398

>> No.18097703

>>18097683
That pepe makes me want to throw up

>> No.18097721

>>18097703
Good

>> No.18097730

>She reached into her pocket, pulling out lip gloss.
Interesting slight of hand.

>> No.18097741

>>18097730
Sleight! I meant sleight!!!

>> No.18097744
File: 324 KB, 1920x1080, external-content.duckduckgo.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
18097744

>>18097721

>> No.18097750

damn. seems like ppl think its shit. brutal.

i liked reading it though. if i read that part, and there was more, i would continue reading it. is this not the same with you guys,you guys would not continue reading it if there was more? i really like the anime tier dialogue. im not really going for being in between the lines of "writing a book" rules. i just want to write something entertaining. thatsit really. something that makes you feel things, and leaves you entertained.

>> No.18097754

>>18097683
>>18097721
>>18097744
you've slain me, I can't stop laughing

>> No.18097758

>>18097754
Thats literally what all of us on this website are here for. Just to make one single person laugh. That person is you.

>> No.18097767

>>18097750
op, did you think we wouldnt know it's you if you write in all lowercase

>> No.18097773

>>18097750
it's fine if it's meant to be a shitpost or OP is just having fun, but the quality of the writing is so bad that it doesn't even so much make me cringe as it leaves me stupefied at the thought that a fully socialised adult could have written this

>> No.18097776

>>18097767
??? i wrote in lowercase with my other reply too, plus im using "I" in regards to the writing..obviously itsme? lol

>> No.18097777

get

>> No.18097786

>>18097750
To be fair, it was entertaining, lol

>> No.18097794

>>18097758
Accept my humble (You) which I bestow upon you with the utmost gratitude

>> No.18097814

>>18097750
Nothing wrong with that but personally I can't stand dialogue or inner monologue that breaks my immersion.

>> No.18097887

My one coworker wrote a whole novel exactly like this (but about twenty-somethings at a magic college having DBZ-style battles) and claims his writing style is exactly like Bret Easton-Ellis'. I don't know what the fuck's wrong with the dude.

>> No.18098006

>>18097448
>>18097398
Please turn this into an ending where the guy eventually salivates for her, and there is mutual LOVE MAKING,

all fillms and stories leave me blueballed

>> No.18098177

>>18097398
Please tell me this is a fucking pisstake, please tell me you wrote this as bait. PLEASE
I hope this is satire but a part of me wishes it isn't.
And if it isn't oh boy, you rather not try to show this to anyone. Also, no one talks like this, you first need to talk to someone and then make the dialogue anon.

>> No.18098199

Yeah, I’m not going to lie to you. It’s not good, but it’s not that bad. I’ve seen worse here in all seriousness. Think about why you wrote what you wrote, your word choice, and the image you’re trying to display and then do some editing.

>> No.18098204

>>18097398
It's shit but I would keep reading.

>> No.18098224

>>18098199
It reads like an anime, not that that's a problem in itself, more that it reads like a bad anime with more fan service than dialogue, but I also think you shouldn't write a story like an anime for obvious reasons.

>> No.18098425

WHAT HAPPENS NEXT!?!?!?

>> No.18098501

>>18098199
>>18098204
thanks
>>18098425
ill write a lot more tomorrow and post again.

>> No.18098513

>>18097777
BASED

>> No.18098567

>>18098501
>ill write a lot more tomorrow and post again.
TRUE BASED

>> No.18098714

>>18097398
I'll read it.

>> No.18098822

Is this how Lolita reads?