Rate My Prose

[Anonymous No.16991567]

Out of ten. I’ll return the favor.
Eastcoast jannies go back to bed.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/14vPQ_KjKfB384kwqMdajp4tceWFqGyOJNXAXQI08RUc/edit

[Anonymous No.16991771]

Replying to myself to make it look like someone cares.

[Anonymous No.16991785]

>>16991771
You are someone and you care so there's no inaccuracies in that.

[Anonymous No.16991824]

>>16991785
Yeah but am I a pseud faggot for writing bitch prose because I never lived a tough life so I should kms,

or am I kino and based and /ourguy/ and clearly anticipating a seventeen figure publishing contract?

[Anonymous No.16991847]

>>16991824 probably the former but i cant be fucked

[Anonymous No.16991889]

>>16991567
Eh, it's alright. Something bothers me about the way many of these sentences are phrased, but I like the imagery.

6/10

[Anonymous No.16991895]

>>16991847
Fair enough I’ll kill myself on the way out. A thread died for this; jannies tell my family I love them.

[Anonymous No.16991898]

>>16991889
Fucking rights thanks anon I feel like I earned that six much appreciated.

[Anonymous No.16991939]

>>16991567
Straight off the bat your first two sentences start with the same word. Considering the repetition of "we came" afterwards I suspect this might be deliberate, but because the sentences are medium length and "here" is only repeated twice, it feels awkward.

You have an eye for aesthetics, but don't sacrifice prosody for imagery. I'm not saying renounce prose poetry, it's just overwrought to the extent that it distracts from clarity. At first I thought you were describing a city, but then it felt like I was listening to a stoner narrating the creation of the world in timelapse.

[Anonymous No.16991949]

>>16991939
>>16991567
Oh, I forgot you wanted a decile rating.
Idk man like... seven. An actual seven. Not an IGN seven which is basically 3/5.

[Anonymous No.16991963]

>>16991939
That’s the most meaningful criticism I’ve gotten so far anon your opinion is not wasted thank you.

I’m about 25,000 words out so into my manuscript and I picked out the epilogue, which was purple but I considered it my best.

[Anonymous No.16991984]

Sixes and sevens I’m rollin now. Anons post your work and I can give an honest take as well that was the deal.

[Anonymous No.16991994]

The use of imagery is abstract to the point of losing my place every other sentence. I enjoy the vocabulary employed but as I start to get an idea in my minds eye there's a radical shift to a entirely new set of images. Basically what's tying it together conceptually?

Great vocabulary though- the pacing is also pretty good. 7/10

[Anonymous No.16992043]

>>16991994
Right. I’m getting a sense that clarity and focus are an issue. Thanks for the seven I’m actually stoked for that.

[Anonymous No.16992079]

>>16991984
Thanks, but at the risk of sounding like a clueless faggot I'm more of an essayist and a critic than a novelist.

[Anonymous No.16992084]

>>16991567
Well its not a Dickens piece but you're better than the average person, 5/10

I think writers and readers here do not necessarily know what they're looking for, but they know what they like once they see it. I'd imagine one's eloquence and beautiful prose to come with practice and time. It's no surprise how much time the writers we look up to today spent writing. Keep at it anon, good job doing something productive

[Anonymous No.16992097]

Here’s the manuscript query that I’ll likely pitch to lit agents after I’m done, aiming for another 30k by Feb.


Mantelpiece Query

A handful of challengers are thrust into a city disinherited by violence where they are pit against one another in a fight to the death. Only one will survive and live as the champion of the contest.

As she dodges bullets and traps and certain death, Shane uncovers a plot by a dark cabal of bankers who aim to fix the contest for their own gains, and discovers that her death is all part of their plan.

Shane is outmatched in every way and must overcome all odds just to survive, let alone win. If she can only make it until morning...

Complete at 69,000 words, MANTELPIECE is a cyberpunk thriller, cold and dark. A quickly shrinking ensemble of characters make up the narrative which focuses on action and survival, and will appeal to fans of BATTLE ROYALE by Koushun Takami, and LORD OF THE FLIES by William Golding, and NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN by Cormac McCarthy.

I am anon a computer programmer and entrepreneur living in Vancouver, Canada. Although this is my first novel, I have enjoyed writing letters prolifically for my entire life. When I’m not writing, I am reading, gardening, and exploring the dark corners of my city.

[Anonymous No.16992126]

>>16992084
Solid.
I expected to be called a faggot so a five is a cup half full for me. Thanks. It’s true too, I assume few authors actually get worse.

[Anonymous No.16992141]

>>16992079
Well it’s to my advantage. Thanks again.
Do you do betareading?

[Anonymous No.16992166]

>>16992141
Yes.
Also not trying to be a dick but >>16992097 if your high concept is seriously The Hunger Games mixed with The Protocols, I think your prose is worthy of something a bit more highbrow than that.

[Anonymous No.16992181]

>>16991567
I give this a 5 or 6. There's no musicality to it, and in a few places it feels like you're flexing your vocabulary at the expense of writing something that reads well, talking about the flexure of arcus tides or whatever. Cool imagery overall, but the sentences feel constrained compared to what you're describing. Focus on the rhythm.

>>16992097
Kind of a YA plot for such haughty writing innit? Also Shane is a guy's name.

[Anonymous No.16992209]

>>16992166
Protocols of Elder Zion? Maybe I need a redpilling on that, had to Google it. I am sort of regretful of the Hunger Games comparison but I earned that too.

Honestly I want to finish it and shop it so I can start a new novel. I’m too dedicated to getting this one published to begin anything else now.

[Anonymous No.16992227]

>>16992181
Shane can be a girl's name. I heard it on The L Word.
He said he's an entrepreneur (which can mean a lot of things) so I'd guess he's writing this as a side hustle. YA is great for that, but teenage girls don't want prose inspired by McCarthy. They want escapism and shippable characters.

[Anonymous No.16992288]

>>16992181
I’m really stoked at the consistency of scores and critiques this morning. Gives me clear goals. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get away with writing a mature novel with such a YA template.

[Anonymous No.16992301]

The excerpt in my OP was the epilogue which is much more embellished than the substance of the novel. Most of it reads like this:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/16FDT9zuoq7iNoMp404qbmERvq9gbvh6cKsZ_NWj4NvM/edit

[Anonymous No.16992307]

>>16992209
>Protocols of Elder Zion? Maybe I need a redpilling on that, had to Google it.
It's plagiarized from another work, anyway.
>I am sort of regretful of the Hunger Games comparison
I just meant the plot. Your prose might be unfocused but it isn't terrible, certainly nowhere near Suzanne Collins' level.
This is a story that's been done many times. You just need to give it your twist. Battle Royale isn't Saw isn't Gantz. Personally I would add things to appeal to the edgy weeb crowd.
>I’m too dedicated to getting this one published to begin anything else now.
One thing at a time. You can even self-publish on Amazon if you're willing to invest in your own cover artist and marketing. It's all passive income.

[Anonymous No.16992309]

>>16992227
Yeah it was a quarantine project to begin with but I’m deadset on getting it traditionally published.

[Anonymous No.16992346]

>>16992309
Congrats on actually writing a book anyway, or getting there..
Don't try to publish it in December. NaNoWriMo saturates their submissions with schlock and a lot of publishers ignore 99% of shit they get for a month or two afterwords.

[Anonymous No.16992352]

>>16992346
*wards

[Anonymous No.16992360]

>>16992307
>one thing at a time
I needed that.
>edgy weebs
Like gory violence or something? Or sex? So far the book has some gore but no sex.
>self publishing
I don’t know why maybe because I’m a pseud but I feel like self publishing is below me which, I know, makes me pretentious and probably a faggot. And misinformed because I’m sure self published authors makes just as much or maybe more than trad authors.

[Anonymous No.16992375]

>>16991567
First paragraph needs work, it seems less "complete" than the second which is almost cramped with imagery and fine descriptions, though rather inconsistent, i.e 'This world lay like a quilt over shores and bluffs across the sediments of ages, the glaucous lesion of some dismal scourge.' being exceedingly more potent than, 'Towers the color of ice hung from paper clouds and across them their windowlight blinked and faded and fell.' Albeit both are good in their own sense when separated. Probably just me looking to scrutinize because I was asked to, but definitely not a fan of the first paragraph. 6.5/10, no idea what I'm talking about btw


here's to you, op, some stream of consciousness, since no one else will

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1UW4pG__jTXRSM0YG6PTL-RYKOE9Smf4Cd1BIZQb2xGI/edit

[Anonymous No.16992387]

>>16991898
I like your attitude, anon.

[Anonymous No.16992430]

>>16992375
Oh haha you took it away before I could really finish it! Yeah I mean you know what actually, it really reminded me of Sean Penn’s book, Bob Honey. Pretty clearly ‘satirical pretension’.

Like purple as hell, like literary caricature. If you meant to do that, 7/10, if not, 2.

[Anonymous No.16992445]

>>16992375
>>16992430
Oh no sorry it’s there I’m just dumb.
Heh yeah. I’m phonefagging and Google docs app won’t let me copy any of the text but pic related clearly establishes literary foul play.

[Anonymous No.16992465]

>>16992445
>clearly establishes literary foul play.
Yes.

[Anonymous No.16992477]

>>16992465
Check out pic related, you will regret it.

[Anonymous No.16992522]

>>16992346
Oh shit that is boots on the ground advice thanks anon it never even occurred to me. Noted.

[Anonymous No.16992537]

>>16992477
>Sean Penn
Oh boy, I'll read it blind, just for you

[Anonymous No.16992561]

>>16992477
>>16992537
Reading reviews for this book is more fun than reading the book itself, kek.

[Anonymous No.16992595]

>>16992360
I don't mean shock value. Berserk has sex and gore but that's not why it's popular. It has character development, Bosch-inspired art, and a gruff guy with a big sword. It's not afraid to balance these dark and masculine elements with cute witches and homoeroticism, so it evolves over time and doesn't exhaust itself.

tl;dr you need a good hook to make people care about what the MC is doing, and a twist or two with real punch. Like how a 70s moviegoer might have felt seeing Onions Green without knowing the spoiler. That stuff gets word of mouth rolling in pop culture.

For example, you city seems like it should be central to the tone. Maybe draw on Invisible Cities or Gormenghast for inspiration, or somewhere you've lived. If you're a /biz/fag and programmer I'm sure you can draw on your knowledge for a few little gimmicks to make your hypercapitalist world feel alive.
>And misinformed because I’m sure self published authors makes just as much or maybe more than trad authors.
Depends if you're shitting out 5 vore novellas a month or trying to get something in bookstores. Paper is still a big market.

[Anonymous No.16992768]

>>16992595
>Invisible Cities
First glance of this is great.
>a good hook and a twist or two with a real punch
I also see what you mean about Berserk too, using edgy elements to substantiate themes and characters I like that.

My m/s really uses the city as a central theme for sure. The passage in the OP was original my prologue but everyone I showed it to got filtered so I moved it to the epilogue. Now the m/s starts with stuff mostly like >>16992301#

>Onions Green
I lold.

[Anonymous No.16992783]

>>16991567
>avenue
>cheaper
didnt read past the first sentence, learn how to use diction well

[Anonymous No.16993046]

>>16992783
Nice, I’m gonna take a 1/10 on that before you have a chance to give me a zero.

[Anonymous No.16993286]

>>16991567
What do you have against punctuation? Have you fallen in love with the word "and"? The writing is monotonous: the sentences follow each other like soldiers in a military procession. This is not how thoughts present themselves in reality: they are not composed of distinct entities strictly separated, but rather they exist in RELATION to one another. You ignore this, and the effect is unnatural.
Also the inventions are defective.
>Here we came by the barons of squalor and the skeleton dregs and the homes of the many homeless.
The point of comparisons is surely to COMPARE something to another thing: here the metaphors have no referent, and thus are powerless. Also use "SQUALID BARON" instead. "HOMES OF THE HOMELESS" is the cheapest reversal imaginable.
>This was the world in palettes of pale green and gray pressed into history.
Colours belong more particularly to the art of painting, not writing. You clearly have a vision in mind - purge it.
>the color of ice
>glaucous
These too.

[Anonymous No.16993417]

>>16993286
Haha okay I love this. I actually love getting ripped apart when it’s that well articulated. Thank you. I especially value the critique on color since I use color a LOT in my m/s.

I need a score out of ten though.

[Anonymous No.16993426]

>>16993286
>Colours belong more particularly to the art of painting, not writing. You clearly have a vision in mind - purge it.
Bad advice

[Anonymous No.16993475]

>>16993426
No, good advice

[Anonymous No.16993484]

I guess the word ‘and’ and the lack of punctuations are stylistic choices based mostly on my personal taste.

Also readability goes up when I use ‘and’ more because it’s adds more ‘simple words’. This is why Hemingway and McCarthy score high on readability tests.

[Anonymous No.16993499]

>>16993475
I know this is /lit/ and everyone thinks that good prose is some obnoxious aristocrat's interior monologue with no reference to anything concrete but come on, it's ludicrous to say that color belongs to painting and one shouldn't write with a "vision" in mind

[Anonymous No.16993514]

Pretty good, your metaphors and similes are decent. They may be too many of them in a row, the 2nd paragraph feels like a list of similes.

[Anonymous No.16993517]

>>16993499
If you read his critique it’s well written but strangely controversial. Unpopular opinions but I asked for it. If he’s not trolling it’s an interesting perspective.

[Anonymous No.16993525]

>>16991567
9, only docking because I think these sentences could be rephrased a bit:
>This was the glacier of arcus tides that flexure of which bound Heaven to clay in colorless chains.
The "that" doesn't seem right here, I think it wants to be "the"
>In this world the rain would start and yet it would stop for nothing but that from which the birds had flown and the vines had curled away.
The meaning of this sentence is not clear to me—it is always raining except for what the birds had flown from? What the birds flew from made it stop raining for the first time ever? I dont understand what that could refer to.

[Anonymous No.16993531]

>>16993286
I’ll award myself a 2/10 on your behalf I think that’s fair hey?

[Anonymous No.16993549]

>>16993286
this is horrific advice. a true train wreck.

[Anonymous No.16993556]

>>16993514
Heard. Heard that before too so that’s worth remembering.

[Anonymous No.16993632]

>>16993525
Okay wow highscore.
Those two examples you quoted are some of my ‘darlings’, as it were. Those I felt proud of. Criticism of the arcus tides bit has come up ITT so that advice is money in the bank.

The last part you mentioned, birds and vines, is actually referring to the next part in the m/s, the very next part that completed the prologue. Without the next part that last sentence doesn’t make sense you are correct:

https://docs.google.com/document/d/16v98NmQm_rVTAHT74YYIJBcu3V0ZfZ8P5VFS5ks-CLI/edit
I really appreciate it thanks a tril.
I’m gonna bank that Nine no take-backs thanks again.

[Anonymous No.16993633]

>>16993499
Come on, you can't doubt that the effect of "pale green and grey" is clearly visual rather than verbal - it is mixing the rules of two different arts
colours can be used in writing because certain colours inspire certain emotions, but when you try to construct a lasting image from them you are going to fail
>>16993531
6/10, it's better than ordinary but sabotaged by perverse taste
>>16993549
you mean TERRIFIC advice

[Anonymous No.16993671]

>>16993633
yes, a terror of advice—a menace

[Anonymous No.16993673]

>>16993632
How many words is this gonna be? You need a strong editor to make this into something that will sell. I don't mean you need to make it more "commercial," just that this feels sloppy as of now. It needs sculpting.

[Anonymous No.16993675]

>>16993525 #
Yeah pardon me so, the rain stopped for nothing but that: this next thing in the next part, it’s the thing that does that stuff to vines and birds.

If that makes sense

[Anonymous No.16993702]

>>16993633
Checked. I’ll take a six that’s my average score I think.
Yeah maybe simply alluding to something that is the color you want is smarter than saying a color. I can comprehend the reason in that yeah.

[Anonymous No.16993747]

>>16993673
Yeah I can only take my own work so far. After I do a final draft an editor will definitely be a part of the process. If my final draft is good enough to get to that stage. Otherwise I’m hiring an editor which idk I may as well self publish then.

I want it to be 70k
I’m projecting it to only go to 40k based on the outline and current pacing. I’ll have to decide either to try to bulk it up a lot somehow, or query it to agents as a novella. Neither are appealing options really.

[Anonymous No.16993755]

>>16993632
You deserve the high score fren, it's good writing and it's closer to McCarthy than most could do. Keep winning

[Anonymous No.16993919]

>>16993755
Checked

[Anonymous No.16994547]

Bumping for more sixes.

[Anonymous No.16995871]

I give it an honest 5. It's kind of on and on, even for prose. What am I, a bird?

[Anonymous No.16996513]

>>16995871
Halfscore. That brings my overall average to 57% which idk if that's a passing mark or not.

[Anonymous No.16998249]

>We came
Unf.

[Anonymous No.16998263]

>>16998249
OP here. Forget this thread. Help me make this magazine:
>>16997211
>>16997211
>>16997211