Rate

[Anonymous No.16607092]

Rate one of my favorite passages I've written desu, it's about three years old at this point.

>Red sundress performing a ballet in the wind. The sun is her halo, I feel its warmth on my skin. Frozen in time, he observes this moment. “Femme fatale to snare my heart, where do you lead me? I ask questions to which already know the answer. I have tried to forget. About this time. About this place. About you. But it’s not possible. No matter how much sorrow they provoke nor how much I abuse my body with these poisons, your image remained unpeverted. This is the tragedy of human memory: the things you wish to leave, stays forever and the things you wish to keep, fade like sand seeping through your hands. This path is immaculate, it melts into a sea of green besieged by mountains. We shall follow it, I’ll be behind you, silent in admiration. My face wears a strange expression, lips curl upwards fattening the cheeks, I have seen it before but I no longer recognize it. We shall find ourselves in a clearing in the woods where we shall find serenity in each other’s arms. And it is there where you leave me. I am lost without you. There is only one path out. A murky alley leading to a land of shadows, the ground carpeted with the crown of Christ. I stroll through, basking in the pain. I trusted you… that was my own fault. At least I got to hear to voice as you softly laid your lies upon me. I loved you. And I despised you. “Did it help you to know you had power over me? And how long was it before you grew bored of me? It was my own fault to share my soul with another, a mistake I shall never repeat. But let me enjoy this moment with you.” The image becomes animated, sights, scents, and sensations sever my sordid soul. Her laughter, like nails on a chalkboard to his ears, fills the air and hangs like death. Her slight perfume thrusts the scent of roses upon him. This is too much, he knows he cannot continue without turning mad. He stands still, watching her immerse into the greenery, the reel of the memory continuing to project unaffected by his choice.

[Anonymous No.16607130]

>>16607092
7/10 because it succeeded in eliciting sincere pity, which I think was the goal. I could cut further, tell you that this part and that part is unnecessary or awkward but for standing on its own as a conversation with a stranger, I feel my rating is fair.

[Anonymous No.16607183]

>>16607130
To be frank, I don't think I tried to elicit pity on purpose. I just write what I feel and at that time in my life, I'd say I was very pitiable (not that I've changed much but that time was rough). But yeah, I guess I was subconsciously trying to evoke pity. Thanks for the read and rating anon, I appreciate it