/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.15273115]

I tried to get /lit/ at a party and failed. What did I do wrong?

I was invited to a party last Friday. I usually shun human society, preferring the comfort of two-dimensional waifus and David Foster Wallace essays to the lowest common denominator rubbish that typifies most human interactions, but I had a great idea up my sleeve to agitate and offend an acquaintance of mine who I hardly knew. I had copped a picture of him in a bow-tie at an Oxford University Finance Society gathering, looking sufficiently Tory to elicit rage and condemnation from the right-on crowd that I expected to be in attendance. I’d printed this picture onto a plain white t-shirt, inserting the caption ‘TORY SCUM’ underneath the champagne glass he was holding in the picture, intending to reveal it beneath my Christmas sweater at an opportune moment.

I arrived about two hours late, hoping everyone would be suitably intoxicated so that my lacklustre social skills and emotional tactlessness wouldn’t exhibit themselves too noticeably. As expected, the party-goers were all wonderfully righteous and indignant in a way only university students can ever truly be. At least half the crowd were pseudo-vegans, and the other half looked like Labour voters of some kind. I had always found it difficult to understand why people cared about anything outside of their immediate vicinity, and half-thought about suggesting some Ayn Rand to these yahoos before I saw a semi-attractive girl wielding a dog-eared copy of a Zizek book on meta-aesthetics. I strode on another, rehearsing my utterly made-up political views so as to appease her false morality. On my way I overheard someone make a heated remark about the Agricultural Revolution, and sniggered at the futility of this moron’s historical dispute, just about loud enough for the room to fall silent and their faces to turn upon me.

“Hi, I’m Joel. I’m Jethro’s friend.”

I went up to the girl and spouted some half-baked titbits about Zizek’s philosophy that I’d picked up from 4chan memes. She seemed eminently impressed, chuckling delightedly at the nonsensical aphorisms I fashioned on the spot. All I needed to seal the deal was to somehow suggest that I had an active social conscience, something I’ve always found very hard to feign.

“And if you read the Daily Mail, you’re a racist.”

Smiling triumphantly to myself, I hoped this well-timed assault on tabloid journalism would win her over into my arms.

“Ummm, sorry?”

[cont]

[Anonymous No.15273127]

“The Daily Mail. It’s full of shit.”

She looked at me emptily, her eyes starting to dull in a way that made me think I’d said something wrong.

“What does that have to do with anything?”

I went to speak but found that my mouth was dry, a clacking sound all that I could emit. In this crisis situation I felt that there was only one thing left to do, one possible solution to her growing disinterest in my conversation.

“Yeh, I read the Guardian.”

She tittered briefly, a titter that seemed less with than at me. My palms were starting to sweat profusely, and I noticed that my Christmas sweater was drenched with liquid. Without thinking I took it off, hoping the girl wouldn’t be too put-out by my small and unshapely arms.

“Tory scum? Wait, that’s Dashiell, isn’t it? Do you even know him?”

“Well, we’re, uhhh, acquaintances of sorts.”

“I have to be honest, mate, that’s a bit sad.”

My heart stopped, and without thinking I turned to walk out of the party. I heard the door shut behind me, and realized how much truth there was in the works of Nietzsche and Schopenhauer. I was going to go home and watch anime, never again to attend one of these horrible shindigs.

[Anonymous No.15273149]

>>15273115
>>15273127
That's what you get for violating the quarantine.

[Anonymous No.15273198]

>>15273115
I have a love-hate relationship with Zizek.

He doesn't know me, but would probably hate me if he did. I watch his lectures and hate him.

[Anonymous No.15273217]

>>15273198
so where does the love part come in?

[Anonymous No.15273228]

>>15273115
>What did I do wrong?
Nothing, really. All of it is pretty based in my book.

[Anonymous No.15273235]

He's a pariah, just like all other genre fiction "writers." If you ever publish a piece (and I do mean piece) of genre fiction, it's pretty much the kiss of death as far as real writers are concerned. You're consigned to the kiddie table from then on, and will forever dwell in that ghetto. Hacks simply aren't invited to the parties. What serious artiste would ever address an envelope to a name like King or Steel or Brown? Well, I do have one story. I once attended a cocktail party in the French Riviera hosted by a indomitable poetess. Several of the big name novelists were in attendance, including many of my fellow Oxford alumni. The mood was merry until a certain hack (in)famous for writing horse stories decided to gatecrash the villa. He was no doubt emboldened by a recent prize he won for (wait until you hear this) a post-apocalyptic survival horror novel. Sorry, just let me catch my breath. The moment this lost soul stepped under the veranda the entire party went dead silent and everyone turned to look at him with a single united look of disgust. The poetess, ever the angel, swooped in and engaged the poor fraud in his level of conversation. The talentless nobody was already sopping drunk, of course. No doubt he'd needed courage to even approach the door, and so decided to "party rock" from a flask in his tiny rundown rental car outside. She graciously asked him if he was working on a new horse novel, and he replied (and I'll remember these words until the day I die), "No, a crime screenplay." The entire villa erupted in laughter and the sad little nothing was so mortified he simply slunk away. Only then did we return to our shimmering conversations about the craft. Who do these people think they are, really?

[Anonymous No.15273273]

In not going to read all that shit

[Anonymous No.15273314]

>>15273115
This is why I come to /lit/. Best thing I've read all day, chap.

>>15273235
Would Dostoevsky or Houellebecq be considered genre fiction?

[Anonymous No.15273433]

I don't believe this story is true but it's pretty good, op!