I think I miss being lonely and depressed

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I think I miss being lonely and depressed Anonymous Mon Dec 9 17:41:03 2019 No.14319425 [DELETED]

I lived the last 10 years of my life as a ghost. Prior to 2010 I was a normal enough individual with friends, a sex life, social skills etc. But due to mental health issues I got lost in my own head and around 2010 I decided to isolate myself. To everybody who knew me prior I've been dead for 10 years (cousins, friends, etc) they had already mourned my passing (they thought i had gone crazy and it was just easier to ignore it). I felt like I was trapped in the shadow realm. I couldn't establish connections with anyone and couldn't maintain the connections I had made throughout of my life so I spent 10 years by myself and the whole time I thought how horrible this was and what a curse this was i had to bare, Fast forward to this year I start taking prozac after coming very close to killing myself. I had a pessimistic outlook on ssri's but they actually worked. Within in the first few months of taking the drug I have a girlfriend after spending more 10 years alone and can now easily navigate social situations without even a second thought. But I find myself missing being alone, I miss the independence of it. Not having to rely on other people for anything. I also can see through social interaction, it being such a waste of energy and so unenriching. I find myself just doing all these normal things because I can, not because I necessarily want to. There's a freedom that feels like its gone now and I want it back. I got off the drugs and within 2 weeks I was already beginning to lose the ability to maintain a relationship with my girlfriend but I got back on them because I was scared. But a part of me desperately wants to stay off them so I can have my world back even though I know just how horrible it felt being alone for so long.

Can someone recommend me a book relating to this feeling?

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/lit/ - Literature