Made my first poem for my writing class, what do you guys think?

[Anonymous No.14158804]

Social media is a scourging thunderstorm
Ripping apart reality, mangling the truth
You post your selfie, smiling through your teeth
As the likes come flooding in

For validation is what you seek
The tiny hearts fulfill your hearts true desire
Of being popular and well known
The need for likes masking your true self

Remove the blemishes, crop the picture
Pose in the lighting, add a color filter
Make sure the lighting is well, put on a forced smile
As the camera light flares, capturing your fake style

Like a drug, you have becomes addicted
To the tiny red hearts flashing on your screen
Will they know how great my life is?
You think to yourself as you share a fake smile to the world

You go out to eat with your friends
Camera lights flash as dinner is sat upon the table
Although the food is hot, fresh from the kitchen
The camera must always eat first

For everyone must know what a great time you’re having
Going out to places, just to capture pictures
Instead of enjoying life by the current moment
A need for validation rises in your soul
As you pose for the camera again once more

[Anonymous No.14158996]

Reading your poem made me wonder why you wrote it as a poem to begin with. There would be no difference whatsoever if this would be written in prose. What makes your poem poetic OP?

[Anonymous No.14159019]

I cringed a bit desu

[Anonymous No.14159094]

The absolute irony of caring so damn much about vanity.

>>14158996
Social media is a scourging thunderstorm, ripping apart reality, mangling the truth.
You post your selfie, smiling through your teeth as the likes come flooding in. Validation is what you seek, the tiny hearts fulfilling your hearts true desire: of being popular and well known. The need for likes masking your true self--remove the blemishes, crop the picture. Pose in the lighting, add a color filter. Make sure the lighting is well, put on a forced smile as the camera light flares, capturing your fake style.
Like a drug, you have become addicted to the tiny red hearts flashing on your screen. Will they know how great my life is? You think to yourself as you share a fake smile to the world. You go out to eat with your friends, camera lights flash as dinner is sat upon the table. Although the food is hot, fresh from the kitchen, the camera must always eat first. For everyone must know what a great time you’re having. Going out to places, just to capture pictures. Instead of enjoying life by the current moment, a need for validation rises in your soul--as you pose for the camera again once more.

[Anonymous No.14159141]

>>14158996
>>14159094
My teacher told us to write a poem about social media
>>14159019
What’s wrong with it

[Anonymous No.14159159]

Not gonna lie, I cringed broseph. How old are you? There are deeper themes than surface level vanity to discuss about social media. For this reason I've determined that you're about 16-18 years old. Once you get older and more experienced you'll see more than vanity in social media culture.

[Anonymous No.14159170]

>>14158804
first of all, this isn't even a poem. second of all,
>again once more

[Anonymous No.14159179]

>>14159170
>>14159159
Whatever I didn’t even want to write this stupid fucking poem anyway I was just doing it for my school work I could give a fuck less

[Anonymous No.14159186]

>>14159179
good, cause you didn't write a fucking poem

[Anonymous No.14159188]

Don’t be discouraged OP, 4chan will give you brutal honestly that you cannot find anywhere else. Don’t let it get you down. When you accept and learn from criticism and can view your own work critically, then there's nothing stopping you from improving.

[Anonymous No.14159203]

>>14159188
I mean I’ve always wanted to be a writer but I obviously lack the talent lol whenever I post work on here I get made fun of and torn to shreds

[Anonymous No.14159227]

>>14159203
literally just try. you didn't. even. try.

[Anonymous No.14159228]

>>14159179
>>14159188
I’m extremely embarrassed of my first poems, but that's how creativity develops. I’d be worried if you weren’t embarrassed about your first attempts at writing. don’t give up!

[Anonymous No.14159242]

>>14159228
Meant to reply to >>14159203

[Anonymous No.14159256]

>>14159227
I mean I guess I didn’t try because I don’t care about the subject in writing about. Shouldn’t writing come from the soul and not be forced upon you with the threat of a bad grade? I feel like I’m being forced to write about this even though I don’t care about it so I feel like it lacks soul

[Anonymous No.14159291]

>>14159256
It is for this reason that I stopped taking creative writing courses. Everything you say here I agree with; not to mention that in all the classes I ever took, people's criticism was either misguided or not honest enough. If you want to be a writer anon, (and I assume you’re in college?) I would take more literature classes instead. There you can learn about how real world authors gained inspiration and how they defined themselves. Just like any art: study the masters and study those who you look up to, and afterward develop up your own original style.

[Anonymous No.14159310]

>>14159291
That’s exactly what I’m doing actually. I just signed up for my next term and I’m taking literature and philosophy I think these two subjects would really help me expand my mind and write better. When I took creative writing I thought I could write about whatever I wanted to (I’m more into creating worlds and world building kind of like GoT or LoTR) but instead it’s just a weekly paper do it just feels like tacked on homework then actual writing.

[Anonymous No.14159316]

>>14159256
you literally had one rhyme in the entire thing and no discernible rhythm or meter. even if you were writing about something you cared about, it would still sound like shit because you're too """"creative"""" to practice. you think you're just going to sit down one day and write beautiful poetry like shakespeare because you saw a pretty girl and got """"inspired?"""""

[Anonymous No.14159325]

>>14159316
I thought poetry didn’t always have to rhyme? My teacher showed us an example of her poetry and it didn’t rhyme at all. But you seem to know a lot about writing, how can I improve big guy?

[Anonymous No.14159349]

>>14158804
This is terrible. Is this bait? This would be bad even by high school standards; you clearly have very little knowledge on poetic techniques and a tenuous grasp on sophisticated writing. Have even read ever read a poem? Enjambment is very impactful when you use throughout the whole thing, and just screams amature.
>>14159141
>poem about social media

[Anonymous No.14159352]

>>14159325
your teacher is a fucking hack. has she even taught you what a foot is?

[Anonymous No.14159382]

>>14159325
>showed us an example of her poetry
Jesus, when it comes to writing, the only course one should consider is English literature. The rest are unrespectable garbage.

[Anonymous No.14159431]

>>14159349
Fuck man. I’m just going to quit this writing business it obviously isn’t for me. I just wish I was talented at SOMETHING but I’m just shit at fucking everything I try

[Anonymous No.14159438]

Is it common for English poetry to not rhyme

[Anonymous No.14159444]

>>14159325
/lit/ is full of traditionalists, but there's really nothing wrong with free verse as a form. It's just that free verse isn't very steady to write by, and there's a lot of pitfalls that can make a free verse poem fail or seem hokey. See the difference in pic related. Both are free verse, but one definitely works better than the other

[Anonymous No.14159447]

>>14159431
Quitting at the first sign of not being great at something is a real easy way to end up great at nothing.

[Anonymous No.14159453]

>>14159431
YOU. DID. NOT. TRY.

[Anonymous No.14159459]

>>14159444
they're both bad

[Anonymous No.14159474]

>>14159431
seriously dude, you post to an anonymous board and not expect one bit of criticism?

people are posting world renowned philosophers and writers every day on this board and people will just call it bullshit in an instant.. it has nothing to do with inherent value

[Anonymous No.14159477]

>>14159444
Blank verse has been around for centuries, if you're too traditional for even that then you must be writing all your poetry on stone tablets

[Anonymous No.14159486]

>>14159431
I'm sorry man, I was little too honest there. Just read more, and when you finish high school do English literature and talk a lot with your peers and professor. Ask about every technique you don't know and write it down. Annotate your books and fill yourself with knowledge. Adolescence is too early to assume you're talentless. Read poetry and learn what makes it good. Keep at it

[Anonymous No.14159497]

>>14159444
I'm a brainlet when it comes to poetry so which one uses it better and how?

[Anonymous No.14159506]

>>14159477
>blank verse = free verse

[Anonymous No.14159525]

>>14159141
Its lack art. It is straightforward. I am not saying all poems need to need to be like this, but I prefer them, poems that can have multiple interpretations by different people. The poem is the poets impression of a thing.

[Anonymous No.14159528]

>>14159477
retard

[Anonymous No.14159544]

>>14159506
I was specifically talking how lit posters get triggered by poetry that does't rhyme. OP said he didn't think poetry has to rhyme, responder told him that lit is traditionalist. I didn't actually care about that content of said post past the first sentence and that is the sentence I was responding to. OP was specifically talking about rhymes in his initial question.

[Anonymous No.14159550]

>>14159528
I was talking about retards that think all poetry has to rhyme. I don't give a shit about free verse, OP was asking about whether or not it was necessary for poetry to rhyme.

[Anonymous No.14159875]

>>14159453
>>14159474
I did try though. Not as much as I could have but I didn’t think it was that bad. But apparently it’s absolutely horrible. And that’s not the first time I’ve posted my work here and been absolutely flamed. I don’t think it’s meant to be.
>>14159486
There’s no such thing as too honest. You’re completely right. I’m absolute rubbish and I should have known better.

[Anonymous No.14159895]

cringe

[Anonymous No.14159918]

>>14159431
lmao the meltdown

[Anonymous No.14159934]

>>14159875
What was the other thing you posted? I wonder if i was in that thread too.

[Anonymous No.14159942]

>>14159934
>the cool autumn winds blow through the golden topped trees
Ring any bells?

[Anonymous No.14159956]

>>14159942
How long ago was this? It sounds familiar. I think I critiqued it. Post it please

[Anonymous No.14160017]

>>14159956
I don’t want to post it everyone’s going to roast me again.

[Anonymous No.14160050]

>>14160017
You already posted and it's anonymous. People on /lit/ can be surprisingly nice and insightful. Who knows, they might say you've improved. There's no harm in doing it.

[Anonymous No.14160092]

>>14160050
This isn’t the exact piece but it’s a updated form of it

The smoke of the campfire rises to the night sky as three boys sit around the fire pit. The cool autumn winds blow through the night as the festive of Halloween draw to a close. As the boys sit counting their candy, Issac takes out a flashlight, illuminating his face in the darkness.
“Have I ever told you guys the story of the bunny man?”
Elijah and Mathew look at each other in confusion. Although the boys were quite fond of folklore and conspiracy theories, this was the first time they have ever heard of “the bunny man”.
“Legend has it that a long time ago, a man was sent to an institute asylum for killing his family. The man escaped during a bus crash while the institution was transferring the inmates to a different asylum. After spending weeks in the woods, the bunny man would survive off of eating rabbits, and hanging their carcasses around the trees of this very forest.
Elijah and Mathew sat still, completely immersed in Issac’s tale. They felt their hearts pumping and their blood flowing as the cool wind brushes across their skin. The hairs on the back of their head stand up as Elijah feels goosebumps on his arms.
“Yeah right. Sounds like a load of bull to me” Mathew says as he nervously looks over his shoulder.
Issac grins as the campfire slowly begins to burn out.
“Every Halloween, around 3:00 AM, the bunny mans soul haunts these woods, searching for anyone or anything foolish enough to enter his domain.”
Elijah looks at his watch to reveal the time 3:20 AM. A sense of dread looms over him as he begins to shake.
Issac laughs as he turns off the flashlight.
“Get over it babies. You two look like you’re about to go pale. It’s just a folk legend. You seriously think there’s a dude who eats bunnies and runs around killing people on Halloween? There isn’t even a asylum anywhere near our town!”
Suddenly, maniacal laughing is heard from deep within the forest. Issac stops talking immediately as the three boys turn their heads towards the noise. The silhouette of a tall shadow with long ears slowly forms in the night. The shadow rises its hatchet to the sky as the three boys, especially Issac, collectively scream in terror. As they flee into the night, the silhouette steps from the shadows to reveal a teenager wearing a bunny mask. Three other teenagers emerge from the bushes laughing.
“I ain’t ever see someone run so fast in my life! Looks like they were going to crap their pants.”
“Haha yeah. And look, those kids left all their candy”
The teenagers gather around the campfire as they dump all the boys candy into their bags. As the teenagers laugh and rough house around the campfire, Elijah Issac and Mathew rush back to town, as they collectively scream “Help! Bunny man!” all the way home.

[Anonymous No.14160117]

>>14159942
I think I remember that. The main anon to respond to you mentioned too many adjectives correct? Either way in case this thread is genuine you really shouldn't give up unless you aren't enjoying something. If you don't enjoy writing poetry or prose that's fine, just don't let harsh criticism stop you from continuing to practice. If you do want to improve your poetry skills I'd highly recommend The Ode Less Travelled by Stephen Fry. It's a great intro to poetry terms and techniques that it sounds like your teacher is not focusing on. It has some fun practice prompts too.

Coincidentally, I wrote a sonnet about practice a few days ago.

The hardest part is first, but twist that valve
from which out pours your creativity,
be it for math or prose and poesy,
be it from with or without aid of salve.
Although it's true that grape fermented calves
a sense of confident facility,
don't let it cloud your taste of decency,
lest you then cut the vine of wit in halves.
There is but one way to create a piece
of work that holds your future's self esteem,
be it for better or for worse of time.
There is no shortened route to rent or lease
what those who slack a "gift of talent" deem,
be it for better or for worse of rhyme.

[Anonymous No.14160166]

>>14160117
That's a really nice poem anon. I agree, writing isn't something you should do for others or because you want fame; writing is something you should do because you enjoy it.

[Anonymous No.14160332]

>>14160092
I appreciate your commitment so I'll give some corrections and critiques.
>The hairs on the back of their head stand up as Elijah feels goosebumps on his arms.
It would be necks and break the sentence up. You use "as" far too much in general and could simply replace it with punctuation.
"The hairs on the back of their necks stand up. Elijah feels goosebumps on his arms."

You should also use colons and semi-colons where appropriate: "the bunny man would survive off of eating rabbits; hanging their carcasses around the trees of this very forest."
Overall your prose needs work
'“Yeah right. Sounds like a load of bull to me” Mathew says nervously, looking over his shoulder.'

For short stories in particular you ought to be ready to use a few authorial methods. Like why not describe how the wind was cold through a metaphor? Or describe Elijah's goosebumps with a simile? It's rude to ask but is English not your first language? There are a lot of grammatical errors and poor punctuation. If not that's fine, it's easy to learn.(If it is then studying it should take priority)

But as I said, keep at it, writing is its own reward. Just speak with your professor and ask them to explain these things in better depth. Please don't be discourage. Sorry if what i've said isn't very helpful.

[Anonymous No.14160443]

>>14159141
>my teacher told us to write a poem about social media
Time to find another instructor, anon

[Anonymous No.14160517]

>>14160332
>is English not your first language
Lmfao that’s it I’m done. Wrap it up folks thread is over. I got my answer

[Anonymous No.14160531]

>>14158804
Honestly I didn’t like it. The language isn’t evocative or interesting and the message is pedantic and tired.

[Anonymous No.14160587]

>>14160517
Hey that’s a good thing compared to the alternative. You just need to brush it up and since it’s your first language it should be easy and only take an afternoon. I really wasn’t trying to be malicious so you really shouldn’t give up. Do you not enjoy writing? You seems far too keen to chuck up the sponge

[Anonymous No.14160676]

>>14159459
you have to go back

[Anonymous No.14160931]

>>14159474
Yeah when you’re in a place that wouldn't be hesitant to call Shakespeare or Joyce hacks, you can’t expect coddling.

[Anonymous No.14161043]

Honestly OP some of the guys responding here are alright, perhaps even being kinder responses than the /lit/ baseline. That's good. I am in an honest mood, and also slightly sour because you remind me of my past self. Learn to drop the pretensions of being a perfectionist. You open up your work to criticism, and your reaction to criticism is to be self defeating and defensive: " ugh it was for school anyway, I didn't even care for it, I didn't even try but I did though and other people say it's trash (it is) so that must mean I'm not the florid, rosey poetic soul that I picture myself as." I'm beating you up and it's fun to feel superior on the internet, and it also comes with the advice to stop doing things just to impress other people.

[Anonymous No.14161061]

>>14158804

[Anonymous No.14161205]

>>14160587
I mean I like writing but I just don’t “get it” like I was reading that poem anon wrote earlier and I don’t get how it sounds so good. Like he completely blew my shit out of the water. I’m scared that no matter what or how I write it will never “click”
>>14161043
I’m not trying to be a perfectionist but I at least want to be DECENT but no matter what I write it always comes off as sounding like a retard wrote it (and maybe I actually am a fucking retard, that’s why it sounds retarded)

[Anonymous No.14161257]

>>14159875
as a creator myself, i would never put my own work up on here unless it was satirical and supposed to be mocked. unless what you’re doing is the absolute pinnacle of edgelord, it’s gonna get ripped to shreds. nothing to do with whether or not you are a good writer

you have no idea who is posting and if their opinion matters, and they have no idea who you are. even if i was Nick Land, my opinion would be worth jack shit here

[Anonymous No.14161279]

>>14161257
also don’t take writing advice from any incel faggot on here as legit ‘literary criticism’. christ

[Anonymous No.14161474]

>>14158804
Honestly reads like rap lyrics more than poetry. Can read it in the voice of Kanye. People here don't consider that a compliment, but the majority of normies will. So take it as you will

[Anonymous No.14161502]

>>14161474
Kayne is my favorite artist, and funny enough this piece was vastly inspired by his most recent interview for his album JiK. Thank you, that actually means a lot to me, (if you’re being sincere that is)

[Anonymous No.14161509]

>>14161474
>>14161502
Also coincidentally, I’ve lately found found myself being interested in the art of music. I think I t would be really cool to write music like you said.

[Anonymous No.14162320]

>>14161205
just read more poetry until it clicks

[Anonymous No.14162331]

>>14161257
But Nick Land is a faggot. Memes aside you're absolutely right. /lit/ isn't a place to share your work, it's a place for literarily minded people to anonymously share their sorrows. Equalizing the playing field between Nick Land and some retard's high school poetry. The value of this place is catharsis and personal growth, it's not a writer's group. It's just a group of writers (and readers)
>(and retards)

[Anonymous No.14163829]

>>14161509
One thing at a time

[Anonymous No.14164168]

>>14158804
i'd love to see you write about a topic that isn't embarrassing.

you've got talent, OP, but your topic is not worth your effort.

[Anonymous No.14164189]

>>14164168
I don't know man, I want the guy to not give up but it's hard to call him talented when he posts stuff like this >>14160092

[Anonymous No.14164190]

>>14159316
>you literally had one rhyme in the entire thing
>implying poems need to rhyme

[Anonymous No.14164221]

>>14164189
i'll admit, since our critique threads have gone to shit recently I've been forced to go to reddit for feedback. I'm not happy about it, but it's better than giving feedback here and then getting ignored by every other anon who doesn't have the common courtesy to care about anything besides their own stuff.

This anon's stuff, as far as it is from perfect, shows more promise than 90% of what I saw on Reddit.

[Anonymous No.14164274]

>>14164221
Go back to r*ddit retard. I never post anything in critique threads except critiques. In this thread you'll see a lot of good advice. 90% of reddit are ESL high schoolers with measurable brain damage: that doesn't mean OPs poem is automatically radiating with talent. Sure it shows promise, but what doesn't? You don't give feedback because you want attention and a big thank you with a handjob; you give feed back to help. I've seen drunk ESL wander on here and write out garbage and ask for critiques. So compared to that, I hope OP tries again and makes another thread in the future.

[Anonymous No.14164589]

>>14164168
>>14164189
>>14164221
While I appreciate the sentiment I seriously believe you guys are just saying that. I mean for gods sake after rereading what I wrote it’s fucking embarrassing. You don’t have to lie to me to make me feel better I already know I lack talent that’s why I’m trying to improve but alas it’s easier said than done

[Anonymous No.14164670]

>>14164274
>automatically radiating with talent
never said this.
>give feedback for attention
never said this

what are you even mad about? it's like you saw the word 'reddit' in my post and it triggered a chimp-out.

[Anonymous No.14164705]

>>14164670
>I'm not happy about it, but it's better than giving feedback here and then getting ignored by every other anon who doesn't have the common courtesy to care about anything besides their own stuff.
>you've got talent, OP
Okay baby brain

[Anonymous No.14164742]

>>14164705
>giving feedback and expecting feedback in return in a crit thread
almost like that's the point
>telling the kid he's got talent is the same as saying he's amazing and it radiates off him like the sun on the ocean
talent is something you have to develop into a skill, fag, you can't rely on it.

try applying a level of reading comprehension above a 5th grader before you decide to get pissy about comments on the internet.

[Anonymous No.14164775]

>>14164742
Cope harder brainlet. Maybe you weren't an ESL you'd see why you're wrong.

[Anonymous No.14164780]

>>14164775
>maybe *if you weren't an ESL you'd see why you're wrong.

[Anonymous No.14164808]

>>14164780
Damn.

[Anonymous No.14164824]

>>14164274
>>14164705
>>14164775
>>14164808

[Anonymous No.14164860]

>>14158804
hey let me try poetry it looks super easy

~ last night i scored
with a tall, blonde, brazen bitch
she sucked my dick good ~

[Anonymous No.14164906]

>>14158804
>for validation is what you seek
actually a terrible line. "for validation is what you seek" the "for" is out of place here.
>the tiny hearts fulfill your hearts true desire
this line is also garbage
>as the camera light fades, capturing your fake style
Very obviously a forced rhyme
>the camera must always eat first
this is actually a good line

the actual poem itself is very low tier. You use the same words too much, and push the same point too many times. 3/10. Considering you're probably in highschool though, it'll give you a passing grade.

[Anonymous No.14164912]

>>14158804
As cringe as the opening line is the image progression in the first stanza isn't bad. The second stanza is just insipid though, it's an overdone point with nothing to complement it. "Color" sounds like an extra syllable in the third and while it offers more to see the second stanza did, the latter half is again just insipid. I mean compare it to the smile you hit with a flood in the first stanza already; of course I'm not going to care for what's essentially the same image but less.

>"you have becomes"
>hearts again, used in the same way
>smile again, with the same adjective the last word to have been rhymed with smile had, even

The last line of the fifth stanza's at least a neat idea.

Crit thread's always open though I tend to dodge critting poetry.

[Anonymous No.14164919]

>>14164912
>to see the
to see than the

[Anonymous No.14165009]

>>14164906
>>14164912
Don’t worry I’m not going to continue this writing stuff. I tired it out but I don’t think I have that “spark” that a lot of actual good writers have. In fact I don’t think I even want to show up to class anymore my teacher probably thinks I’m a retard lol.
Also I’m not in high school I’m a freshmen in college, so that’s obviously not a good sign that people are comparing me to a high schooler lmfao Jesus Christ have mercy on my soul

[Anonymous No.14165022]

>>14165009
Stop being a fag. Grow some balls.

[Anonymous No.14165042]

>>14165009
It's not like you have a poetry stat that passively levels up much at all as you get older. Someone taking their first poetry class in college is not likely to be much better or worse than someone taking it in highschool.

[Anonymous No.14165056]

>>14165009
Oh, also, on the subject of repetition, you might want to look up something like To a Poor Old Woman by William Carlos Williams.

[Anonymous No.14165117]

Epstein
Where the fuck is Epstein
Nigga got a glock nine
Ima shoot that motherfucking pedo right on damn sight
When I see that nigga ima lead him to that hell light
Ima fight for what’s right
Ima fight the good fight

[Anonymous No.14165128]

>>14165117
based

[Anonymous No.14165156]

>>14165009
everybody's writing is shit at first. Everyone is shit at everything when they first start out. That's why you practice. Don't be like one of those fags who stops doing something just because you're not good at it right away.

[Anonymous No.14165199]

>>14159444

There's actually a lot of structurein the first one. And it's much better.

[Anonymous No.14165261]

OP you need to read some poems before trying to write one. Seriously just read some poems from highly respected poets then try, find one you like and try to imitate them. How do they create the effect you sense with the words they use?

[Anonymous No.14165373]

>>14159431
Just to join the train of people shitting on you, sounds like you're good at quitting.

[Anonymous No.14165629]

>>14165009
>people are comparing me to a high schooler
I'm sorry anon. I'm sorry I asked if you were an ESL too. Please give in you haven't even tried

[Anonymous No.14165685]

>>14165629
Whoops I mean don't give in

[Anonymous No.14166099]

>>14165199
Free verse doesn't mean "no structure" which is partly why the second one fails. Free verse is best when it makes up its own structure that reflects the content in some way. Check out how the length of the lines make a metric arc in the second stanza, possibly reflecting autumn as an arc in nature in which life reaches a climax, then quickly lessens and decays afterward.

[Anonymous No.14166322]

Why am I so fucking shit at fucking everything I do? Writing? Shit. Lifting? Shit. Talking to girls? Shit. I’m just going to end it all I can’t live like this anymore I have nothing going for me.

[Anonymous No.14166346]

>>14166322
Are you OP? How can you be shit at lifting? Just pick it up nigga haha put it back down again lmao

[Anonymous No.14166359]

>>14166346
Because I made no fucking progress despite working out for so long. I can’t do anything right dude. Literally nothing.

[Anonymous No.14166372]

>>14166359
It’s be poetic if you botched your suicide too. Seriously though, just pick heavy objects and then picker heavier objects when those objects feel less heavy. Welcome to adulthood, squandering splendour that you never had is par for the course

[Anonymous No.14166398]

>>14166372
Don’t worry. When I kill myself I’ll make sure I get it right.

[Anonymous No.14166438]

>>14166398
I guess that’d be poetic in its own way. Be sure to write a poem about how you’re bad a everything especially poetry. You could even include a line about how you’d probably fuck up your suicide. It’d be really meta and deep. Don’t forget to post it.

[Anonymous No.14166796]

>>14166322
It takes time to get better my friend. Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't quit lifting or writing or talking to girls. And especially don't kill yourself.

You can get better in any facet of your life anon. I believe in you.

[Anonymous No.14167216]

>>14166099

Nice

[Anonymous No.14167220]

The problem with your poem is that it contains an entire set of assumptions and a bunch of false information. The assumptions are as follows:


1. You assume that the people in your poem (and thus the readers) are of one race.


2. You assume that the people in your poem are white and that white people are inherently good.


3. You assume that you are an inherently good person and that the reader should be like you.


Your premise is false. It's also wrong and I am surprised that you even considered using this assumption in a poem.


First of all, your premise is false. The people in your poem are NOT of one race. Some are Asian and some are Black. Some are white. The point is that everyone in the poem (which is comprised of ALL people in the world) is in fact white. It's not like you have a bunch of white people in your poem. The point of your poem is

[Anonymous No.14167760]

>>14159325
>I thought poetry didn’t always have to rhyme?
yes
YES

[Anonymous No.14168093]

>>14159310
Hahahahahhahahahahhahahahha ahahahhahahhahahahaha

[Anonymous No.14168124]

>>14161502
There's your problem kid. Kanye is an amazing producer but his lyrics aren't. I love the guy but you cant use him as inspiration if you want to write poetry. He says some interesting things sometimes but don't let his words be your main source of inspiration, if you do your "art" will continue being soulless dull high school trash

[Anonymous No.14168137]

>>14166322
Lmao do you go on r9k too you fucking loser

[Anonymous No.14169578]

>>14167220
What the fuck are you talking about?

[Anonymous No.14170868]

>>14168137
That's not that much of a step down. /lit/ is just r9k for nerds

[Anonymous No.14170947]

>>14166322
don't depend on a fucking syllabus made by jews to expand your mind. do some self-study for gods sake

[Anonymous No.14171050]

>>/lit/thread/S13919942

Jesus, anon.

[Anonymous No.14171267]

>>14158804
>>14171050
People were a lot nicer this time around. Perhaps OP improved since then?

[Anonymous No.14171641]

OP did you write this?
>The three boys passed through the forest, oblivious to all of Autumn's wonders and its gentle lapse into a subdued Winter. Wayward breezes displaced leaves from their branches, which lazily drifted downwards. Isaac's sneakers trampled one such leaf, leaving only golden fragments for the wind to spirit away, like angels carrying souls to the heavens. Or so Matthew saw it. He had recently taken to poetic ascriptions (even though he had no knack for poeticism). The trio crossed the train tracks and continued towards the town. Elijah looked with unease at the tracks, as if expecting a train to come whistling along at any moment. His was a foolish fear; after all, trains no longer came along this route. Still, it paid to make sure. And double sure. Besides, he could hear the train's mournful horn on some nights. Finally, the three arrive at their destination- a large lake, encircled entirely by trees. The towering birches almost gave the lake an oppressive air, and Elijah was more than glad to have friends along with him.

[Anonymous No.14172484]

>>14159349
>Enjambment is very impactful when you use throughout the whole thing, and just screams amature.
>Enjambment
>you clearly have very little knowledge on poetic techniques

You sound like some freshman, who learned a word yesterday and now desperately wants to apply it, even if it does not fit.

>a tenuous grasp on sophisticated writing
>This is terrible. Is this bait?
>This would be bad even by high school standards
Zero arguments. Pure feelz. Sounds like you just want him to feel bad, so you can feel less insecure.

[Anonymous No.14172509]

>>14172484
>>14172484
Whoops I meant to say not very impactful. Why are you projecting so hard? I apologised to him but you can’t deny it’s a bad poem. Also nice twitter reaction image. Why don’t you try to retort what I said next time instead of being obnoxious; I was simply pointing out the lack of punctuation and poetic devices in compact manner. Like yeah a poet could incorporate enjambement throughout the poem, so not mentioning the technique when bringing up OPs lack of punctuation at the each sentence would appear uninformed.

[Anonymous No.14172571]

>>14172509
What do you want me to retort? You had literally no substance besides one single point:
"use enjambment, cause it is very impactful"
Rest was drivel.

I already gave you my retort to that point, but let me paraphrase it:
You seem to be insecure and don't seem to know too much. That's why you pulled some random knowledge piece, declared it as important and used it to validate the rest of your opinion.
Peppering subjective opinion with technical terms lends you the authority you can appeal to.
Very good technique. Very convincing. Given that your conversation partner is a complete retard.

[Anonymous No.14172598]

>>14172571
Kek you clearly didn’t read my post. I wanted to mention the odd fact that OP hadn’t used punctuation at the end of most of his lines and sentences. Of course in poetry you can do this and it’d be called enjambement. Of course doing it throughout the whole poem isn’t very impactful and if it was intentional it would come off as very amateurish. You clearly know squat which is why you feel that what I said was random or uninformed. You’re clearly getting so uppity about it because you don’t know these terms or they seem highbrow to you because you don’t read poetry. Also if you weren’t so autistic and read the guy’s poem you think it was bait at first too. It’s a social media poem. Or maybe it’s just so similar to what you’d write you feel personally attacked and feel compelled to incorrectly try to retort me calling a shitty poem bad, “insecure”

[Anonymous No.14172943]

>>14159316
>hurr it didn't rhyme
although I will agree, he really needs to develop some kind of rhythm, even of he's writing free verse

[Anonymous No.14174022]

>>14172598
> hadn’t used punctuation at the end of most of his lines and sentences
>it’d be called enjambement
lol. You are even wrong about this one single point you made. Look the words up, before you use them. It's not about punctuation...

Even then: Lack of punctuation is completely valid as it implies a hasty pace, lack of structure, being rushed. This perfectly fits the subject.

>me calling a shitty poem bad
That's exactly the point. You wanted to diss the poem (and I admit: it's not that good), but you don't have the toolset to criticize it on objective grounds, so you use random technical terms to validate your argument, which only shows what a poser you are, because those terms don't apply and you don't even seem to know it.

Add to that your typos and sentences like
>Have even read ever read a poem?
It just shows a disorderly, unfocused mind.
Using wrong technical terms and being so hostile just screams insecurity and desire to get attention or validation.

[Anonymous No.14174921]

>>14158804
Learn to take feedback before you write anything else, kid

[Anonymous No.14175264]

>>14172598
>I wanted to mention the odd fact that OP hadn’t used punctuation at the end of most of his lines and sentences. Of course in poetry you can do this and it’d be called enjambement.
the anon who called you a freshman was overrating you if this is what you think enjambment is

[Anonymous No.14175371]

>>14175264
Is enjambement not when you continue a line of verse into the next line without pause or stopping?

[Anonymous No.14175652]

>>14175371
Yes, but these are clearly all separate verses.
If you want to look at real enjambement look at e. e. cummings.

[Anonymous No.14175808]

>>14175371
>>14175652
Neither are me, but also >>14165056 where it's actually changing the meaning of lines.

[Anonymous No.14177521]

>>14175371
just read the fucking definition of the fucking term.

[Anonymous No.14177548]

>>14177521
>the continuation of a syntactic unit from one line of verse into the next line without a pause
How is that different to what I said?

[Anonymous No.14178060]

>>14177548
syntactic unit =/= line of verse