Copypasta

[Anonymous No.14122935]

Am I the only one who sees copypasta as a legitimate form of artistic expression?

Every now and then I like to write the silliest, edgiest and most stupid and outrageous walls of text under 2,000 chars long with the intent of getting the most replies possible and I have a great time doing it. I also have a specific folder where I keep whatever copypastas seem funny to me or worthy of being re-posted for the laughs. Sometimes I'll even check and re-read them if I'm feeling like having a laugh. If I ever have the police knocking at my door again for something I posted online at least that's exactly what I am going to tell them: It is actually all satire.

Have you written any copy pastas recently that you'd like to share?

[Anonymous No.14123001]

This but unironically.
But seriously if we are to talk about silly and outrageous writing, we should refer to dullest franchise in the history of movie franchises. Seriously each episode following the boy wizard and his pals from Hogwarts Academy as they fight assorted villains has been indistinguishable from the others. Aside from the gloomy imagery, the series’ only consistency has been its lack of excitement and ineffective use of special effects, all to make magic unmagical, to make action seem inert.

Perhaps the die was cast when Rowling vetoed the idea of Spielberg directing the series; she made sure the series would never be mistaken for a work of art that meant anything to anybody, just ridiculously profitable cross-promotion for her books. The Harry Potter series might be anti-Christian (or not), but it’s certainly the anti-James Bond series in its refusal of wonder, beauty and excitement. No one wants to face that fact. Now, thankfully, they no longer have to.

>a-at least the books were good though
"No!"
The writing is dreadful; the book was terrible. As I read, I noticed that every time a character went for a walk, the author wrote instead that the character "stretched his legs."

I began marking on the back of an envelope every time that phrase was repeated. I stopped only after I had marked the envelope several dozen times. I was incredulous. Rowling's mind is so governed by cliches and dead metaphors that she has no other style of writing. Later I read a lavish, loving review of Harry Potter by the same Stephen King. He wrote something to the effect of, "If these kids are reading Harry Potter at 11 or 12, then when they get older they will go on to read Stephen King." And he was quite right. He was not being ironic. When you read "Harry Potter" you are, in fact, trained to read Stephen King.

[Hello, I work at the LHC No.14123025]

Something went wrong yesterday with professor Chirtkov's experiment. It had to do with the production of quantum black holes from high energy proton collisions. Hypothetically these black holes should give off a unique measurable energy signature, but will decay quickly (timescale of 10^-9 seconds).

We were running it through the big ring, when suddenly the power went out, at around 2:30 pm.
Engineers reported damage to the collision chamber, it was no longer hermetically sealed.

We took the tram (that's how we get around the LHC) down to investigate, and found them examining the floor of the chamber, which they claimed had a small indetectable hole allowing air to escape. I walked under the chamber, and something caught my eye. Down on the ground, in the metal, a tiny hole, virtually invisible to the human eye. Getting down on my hands and knees I estimated it was smaller than the diameter of a human hair.

we probably have a few weeks, a month at most. The hole will gather mass exponentially as it falls through the earth.
You won't notice anything at first, it will be like every other day. But then, the earthquakes, the volcanic eruptions, the sudden loss of our magnetic field....culminating in the implosion of the surface

You have some time left, use it well. In the end, nothing really mattered after all

[Anonymous No.14123039]

not a huge fan of
the copypasta genre
too outrage-básèd

[/biz/ has ruined my life. 1/? No.14123060]

About a year ago I moved to some godforsaken shithole town in the far, far north. It was for a program where I’d be teaching. For someone like me who majored in philosophy, it was a stepping stone to a real job. I’d pay my dues, spend two years up here building a resume, and move back south where I could teach at a high school.

Not the most glamorous job but it sure beats taking orders at starbucks. When I first arrived, I could not have been happier. For the first time in my life I had a place of my own. Even if it was a flimsy trailer on the outskirts of town, it was still mine. All I had was a suitcase, a small bust of Socrates, and my faithful pet dog Bandit.

But as you can imagine, there isn’t much of a social life out here. Especially as the days grow shorter and the night grows longer and longer until the sun disappears entirely for weeks. So I’d enjoy the luxury of an internet connection, and spend my spare time shitposting on /his/ and /lit/.

The program paid for my rent, so I suddenly found myself with some cash. And with nothing to really do, I decided to do the responsible thing and invest. I’ve never been good with money, so I figured I’d trust the experts.

That was when I first found /biz/: my own personal pandora’s box.

[/biz/ has ruined my life. 2/? No.14123065]

Now when I say this town is out there… I mean it’s out there. The end of the earth. It’s barely accessible half the year.

The ground is permafrost so we can’t put pipes in – everyone here has to shit in a special bucket which is collected several times a week. The food is atrocious – and it’s even worse coming out the other end.

I first bought into crypto in March. I’d read about coins on /biz/, and I could have sworn I was some kind of King Midas. Every coin I selected would shoot up. My wealth doubled, the tripled, and by spring I had lost track.

I convinced myself that I really was living in the best of all possible worlds – there was no other explanation. It was like magic. I hitched a ride south one weekend and went on a shopping spree, buying up all the expensive wines I had lusted after back in university.

I called up my only living relative, my hag of a grandmother, to gloat about my success. I rubbed it in her face. Said I was the happiest man on the goddam planet. She disagreed:

“I doubt that. There’s a mongoloid down the hall from me who is the happiest man in the world. You should see his stupid face. Though I’m not supposed to say that nowadays, right?” I could hear her laughing to herself. She continued: “Life isn’t all about money. That kind of happiness is fleeting. Take it from an old broke bitch like me – without you here, I’ve never been happier!”

“Fuck you, you dumb cunt. I hope you rot in that cancer ward.” I said, and hung up. We never spoke again.

[/biz/ has ruined my life. 3/? No.14123072]

As the year ended, and I had to find something to do over the break. I had mentioned my investing success to a colleague, who recommended me to his friend. We’ll call that friend Joe.

Joe was a real salt of the earth guy. Huge. Smelled like shit. But not for lack of hygiene, it was a part of his job. He went around picking up everyone’s shit buckets. He needed help getting the company’s finances in order.

Of course I volunteered.

The work was… unexpected. As it turns out, Joe wanted me to do some money laundering. He and his buddies didn’t just take out the shit buckets, they also ran a smuggling ring. Some of them would poach protected animals. Others would sell opiates around town (what else are people going to do in this wasteland?). They heard about my knowledge of crypto and treated me like some kind of wizard.

Everything was great. But then the dip hit. My portfolio was in the red. I tried to trade again but the magic was gone. I read a few white papers and had considerable assets in coins that just melted away. I was also late on the XRB train and bought in at the top. But I refused to sell, as I didn’t want to succumb the “buy high sell low” /biz/ meme.

I even consulted a local native shaman. I asked her for trading advice. She took some coins out of my pocket and told me that if I challenged them, they would lose all value. Real mystical mumbo jumbo. But I thought – she must be referring to fiat money. The dollar will fall, but only if I challenge it.

[/biz/ has ruined my life. 4/? No.14123076]

I thought to myself: fate rewards the daring. Crypto would always beat Fiat in the end. Those bold enough to see that would win big. I started chain smoking and taking caffeine pills, staying up all night trading. There was a period at the beginning of December where I didn’t sleep for a week straight.

But I fucked up /biz/. Like Icarus I flew too close to the sun.

One day, at work, I fell asleep at my desk. My dog Bandit must have wandered off, because when I awoke, he was dead. One of the guys had accidentally ran him over. I was devastated.

I started to drink like I’d never drank before. I’d go through the thousands of dollars of expensive wines, binge drinking and trading and browsing /biz/. In early-January I had an idea: I would invest my company’s money. They had a lot of money. More than I could make in my lifetime if I kept teaching. XRP had been hitting new highs, and I thought it was a safe investment. I went all in.

Around that time I passed out at work after a particularly bad bender. I was also bleeding out my nose after snorting too many caffeine pills. I woke up in a hospital in a city far to the south. I was fine, but I’d been out for a few days. By the time my hospital stay was over, and I made it back north, it had been just shy of a week.

When I got back and checked my crypto portfolio, I vomited. It had plummeted. I came to my senses and convinced myself it was a temporary fluctuation. I spent my time resting and letting the market sort itself out – time in the market was better than timing the market, I told myself.

A few more days passed and I just couldn’t take it. The siren song of crypto was calling. I panic sold all of the XRP. I had lost an unimaginable amount of money.

I put it all into Bitcoin. But I had not hit rock bottom yet.

[/biz/ has ruined my life. 5/5 No.14123086]

And then it happened. Joe demanded to see the finances. I didn’t see any other option – the guy is much stronger than me – so I showed him.

He and his buddies proceeded to tie me to a chair and beat the shit out of me. I lost several teeth, and broke my nose in a way where it will always be crooked. I don’t have insurance to fix either of these deformities. They also dumped several of the shit buckets on me, and held my head in a trough of sewage until I’d almost drowned.

Joe made me give up my teaching job and start working for them full time. He doesn’t trust me with the finances, so I have to drive around the truck and empty the shit buckets. I asked him how long it would take for me to pay off my debt.

His answer: forever.

So here I am, stuck in this freezing hell, forever. I can’t get the smell of shit off me. And this isn't nice grassy cow shit, this is the product of a diet of beef jerky, canned seafood, and booze. It’s in my hair, under my fingernails. I scrub and I scrub but it just won’t come off.

After leaving the teaching program I lost my trailer so I now sleep at work. I have a mattress I put out on the office floor at night, where I drink bottom shelf vodka and browse 4chan.

But I still have one ace up my sleeve. There’s one wallet they didn’t get to. It’s this really exciting coin that has flown under most people’s radar. I’ve read the white paper and everything. It’s called Digibyte (DGB), and it could just be my ticket out of here.