Share/critique

[Anonymous No.13995871]

Honest opinion on this anon??
Do I have a chance should I just quit n forget about it?


ve been beneath the smoke
time transcending over me
myth, fiction, realms of real
all conjured up passing
I look at them from the ground
in which I lay, all passes
over the smoke. All goes
as swiftly as burning spirits
all turns, the world, the sky, us.
Before us the scaffold, we
all walk to it, we await for our
turn, the spectacle continues.
A bed of roses awaits, lets
all pretend nothing is there
as we turn around, we all
beneath the smoke, we all pass.

[Anonymous No.13995937]

Well it's not good, but that doesn't mean you should give up writing. You have to write a lot of bad things on the way to becoming a good writer.

[Anonymous No.13995942]

Damn, Butterfly looks like THAT?

[Anonymous No.13995966]

>>13995871
sounds neat

[« Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ » !mxvabIoSIE No.13995967]

>>13995871
>>13995942
Hey now!

>ve
?
Well, you’ve got something there. I’m not a good critic of it. Rather grim.

[Anonymous No.13995970]

>>13995966
Dubs

[Anonymous No.13996015]

>time transcending over me
the fuck

how about
>time passes through my body with its indifferent transcendence
still ass but almost makes sense?

really though, ‘time passes me by’ sounds better than jamming ‘transcend’ in there

[Anonymous No.13996064]

>>13996015
I see. Yeah may be it’s too presumptuous. What I was trying to deliver was how time not only passes over you or through you, but goes beyond what one can comprehend.

[Anonymous No.13996077]

>>13996064
Why not 'time transcends knowledge'

[Anonymous No.13996128]

tell me where you got that picture and ill tell you your writings good

[Anonymous No.13996130]

>>13995871
Th-those aren't the hips of a man... have i been deceived? Then she was retarded, not because of a mental disorder, but just because she is actually a women?

[Anonymous No.13996194]

>>13996128
My free cams idk the name of model.

[Anonymous No.13996203]

Hmm. Upon careful consideration I would blast sperm inside her pussy.

[Anonymous No.13996220]

OINK OINK OINK

[Anonymous No.13996539]

your poem is shit, like the pic tho

[Anonymous No.13996641]

>>13995967
hahahaha you should post more pictures. maybe naked with a good book hahaha

[Anonymous No.13996666]

>>13995871

This is a bad poem in every aspect but you should still keep writing. Your subject is overly ambitious because you have no idea how to handle it at all and so it crumbles before the trader can even be engaged. You need to start a lot smaller, you’re not Eliot or Stevens or something, just write about how you actually feel or something you’ve really experienced for now. It’s not that the sort of grandiose abstract themes are forbidden, but when you have as little skill as you do (at this time, ofc you can improve) you’re wasting everyone’s time, including your own, by writing on them. Ever image in here is some form of cliche «everything passes in smoke» «a bed of roses» all the cliche ideas interspersed «we all pass» «let’s pretend nothing is there» «time, myth fiction,» it’s like you throw early modernism into an AI generator and it popped this out. Again, keep writing, but dont reach so high before you even know how to construct a single interesting image, or even use interesting language, because this poem shows none of that.

[Anonymous No.13996672]

>>13996666
nice digits. not him but when would you say youre "ready" to tackle abstract themes?

[Anonymous No.13996719]

>>13995942
No timestamp, no chance

[Anonymous No.13997041]

I posted this in the last critique thread and got some useful feedback, just posting it again in case I get different replies and/or other people pick up on the same points other people made, which would prioritise them.

>>13995871
Without a clear rhythm the line breaks seem to serve only to disrupt the flow of the text

[Anonymous No.13997044]

>>13997041

[Anonymous No.13997051]

>>13997044

[Anonymous No.13997056]

>>13997051

[Anonymous No.13997085]

Lugubrious, late in the night
The brass-band barrel-organ whined ...
Lost in the museum, deserted,
I looked through the glasses at the blight.

And in the world of sad glasses
I was gripped by sinister thoughts -
There were bodies of wax that sought
Escape from their hideous, fixed stares.

And the brass-band barrel organ
Gave me a satanic fright;
In coffins of glass - a noble woman
With laced mechanical sight.

And then full of horror I ran
From the sombre museum of dismay,
The town sleeping in through night span,
Like in a cavern the organ makes of me a stray.

A sad, forgotten aria
The brass-band barrel-organ whined ...
And I stood petrified .. and for millennia,
The city seemed to have been damned.

[Anonymous No.13997099]

>>13995871
sauce?!

[Anonymous No.13997275]

>>13997085
So this is your work? It's good. Don't listen to any naysayers: you may have a ways to go, but you have legitimate poetic dimensions and abilities. I deal with a lot of undergrad writing, and when something like this comes along I feel lucky. It's a bit young-gothic, almost Lovecraftian, but your use of language and image is interesting, and the potential is clear. Keep it up.

[Anonymous No.13997277]

>>13997041
You writing this in latex lol?

[Anonymous No.13997339]

>>13997041
I read until the second paragraph. I suppose that should tell you something. Either it's my disinterest or your piece's lack of being interesting. A lot of your sentences are too long and partly because they are needlessly wordy.

[Anonymous No.13997350]

>>13995871
>Honest opinion on this anon??
Practice with a set meter and rhyme before trying the big leagues.

[Anonymous No.13997465]

>>13996064
>>13996077
time passes over me, transcending all that I know

[Anonymous No.13997533]

The delight of a burnt effigy,
funhouse reflection burnt into wax,
quickens the noxious breath
and sends my internal bits flying
into the great worldwide.
I've downloaded dust from every road
peering through the afterimages
of those no-faced pedestrians staring
back into a yawning abyss—
the hypnotic slink of sundrawn carriages
shatters my screen into smithereens
fracturing a whole slew of metaphorical stuff.

[Anonymous No.13997622]

>>13996666
Thanks Satan

[Anonymous No.13997756]

>>13996666
As you were, dark lord

[Anonymous No.13997909]

[Anonymous No.13998035]

Do not mind the retarded spacing...
Bring it on lads.

[Anonymous No.13998320]

I've been happy, alone and then dead for a decade
Endless decay gives my anger direction
If I'm weird to myself there's no need for connection
Baseless despair serves a sad consolation

Life ended short before I could experience
The fruits of the seeds laid down on grounds of hope
Among the trees of future growth
The big man is dead, the old trees are gone

He who lacks will is not virtuous, but lacking
Hacking away at impassible branches
Dreaming a grand plan, hoping in vain
The trees, bees and bushes will show him the way

But bees do not care about me in the slightest
Trees grow and flourish around, unimpared
They know this sorrow is mine, mine alone
I will bring all of it back, dad, I swear

[Anonymous No.13998441]

>>13997041
Rewrite the first two paragraphs, they aren’t adding to James as a character, you could use them after the 3rd paragraph ... in the third I can sense the two paragraphs that self awareness and confusion “James took off his headphones and reached...skimming the page for any sign he had retained...No use. (Same paragraphs three times in last hour). Couldn’t say what it was about.” -the fact that he has read them three times conveys he is self aware if he wasn’t he would of just read through.

[Anonymous No.13998474]

>>13996666
>>13995871
devil dislikes it, op’s poem is divine

[Anonymous No.13998481]

is it cringey for a character in a book taking place in modern times to use 4chan? I don't want to write a "le epic hacker club" book or anything, but I feel like it would be natural for one of the characters.

[Anonymous No.13998490]

>>13997044
Who/what is the story about?
Why would the dad put something important on a teenage room? We already know the kid is going to look at the papers... you also tell things you don’t have too- feelings anxiety, ennui...

[Anonymous No.13998496]

>>13998481
Nah. Based

[Anonymous No.13998606]

Your paragraphs need revision, in terms of when you are telling something, for example when you write about the parents arguing you then write about where they come from to go back to them arguing.

Why/how is James listening to his parents if it has become monotonous?

“Let go of him” -who is holding him? I get you might want to keep it secretive and mysterious but there has to be an action, “someone grab...” is there one person out, or more? Are they/he holding the dad inside the house or out?

Why did they not call the police right away? Why was James listening to what was happening instead of calling the cops?

There is no need to add caffeine tabs..

[Anonymous No.13998612]

>>13998606
>>13997056

Keep on writing.

[Anonymous No.13998633]

>>13997085
>>13997085
Sound like slow death metal Poe.

[Anonymous No.13998682]

>>13997533
“Of those no-faced pedestrians staring
back into a yawning abyss”
Like those lines.
Sounds like a war poem, or you looking at war images on the internets.

[Anonymous No.13998710]

Prologue to a story about the absurd yet uninteresting reality of rotten pumpkin disposal

[Anonymous No.13998718]

>>13997041
>anemic in the first sentence
1/10, hope it was worth the effort, because i'll never read it again

[Anonymous No.13998733]

>>13997909
Really like it. Though the first line throws me out... because it seems like you are saying listen I know a way, but you are stating the obvious without giving a solution.
Like the imagery, keep it up anon.
Good job.

[Anonymous No.13998746]

>>13998035
Nice take on relationships, though it seems idealized. Like a romcom.

[Anonymous No.13998768]

>>13998710
I really like this (and please post it on here if you finish it). My one critique would be that the term "thus" in the fourth line doesn't seem to fit the childlike narration we get before and afterwards. It seems odd to me that someone who would describe Jack-O-Lanterns as "rotty like rotten fruit and an outside thing like leaves" would use "thus" and not a more casual, childlike phrase like "so it was natural that" or "so I guess it made since that."

Other than that, I really like it, and I'm interested to see where it goes.

[Anonymous No.13998798]

trying to start writing in a different style, so be brutally honest. If it feels pretentious or anything just let me know before I continue in this style.

[Anonymous No.13998830]

>>13998320
You jump from one idea to another...
Being dead (meaning you have no morals bc why would you), then “he who lacks will is not virtuous” you are taking a moral stand.
Are you saying that god is men n if god is dead then humanity is dead?

[Anonymous No.13998971]

>>13995871
Is this actually butterfly?

[Anonymous No.13998985]

>>13998746
Thanks, it's actually pretty much how I feel mine happened though.

[Anonymous No.13998998]

>>13998710
Good read. What else you got?

[Anonymous No.13999015]

>>13998798
It’s well written, slow and steady. Doesn’t seem pretentious. Though it does have cliches, disorderly vs orderly.

[Anonymous No.13999333]

>>13997041
Your sentences are clunky, Anon, sorry. You're probably ESL, judging from your syntax. I've graded a lot of papers like this.
Either that, or you're trying to sound sophisticated.

[Anonymous No.13999428]

>>13995871
>tfw you will never fuck a pawg in prone position

[Anonymous No.13999453]

>>13998441
Thanks

>>13998490
It's going to be 1 of 4 stories describing how I feel about the current state of western society, the direction it's heading in, and what I think *should* happen, bundled together, with no relation between the settings, only their meanings.

1. (this one) Kid runs away with the papers to his schoolfriends, their reactions reflect their positions in the British class system and political opinions, and every time they go to people older than them for help, including trusted figures e.g. parents, teachers, they are picked off one by one and it seems close to the whole adult population is in on it and whoever reads the papers kills themselves. To begin with the kids think it's a political-type conspiracy but eventually they open the case; the papers reference the heat death of the universe. It's a metaphor for the denial & lies humans tell ourselves about mortality to make life bearable and keep society functional and the idea that people will go to extreme lengths to suppress or ignore information if it poses a hazard to their own belief system, whatever that system is- faith, politics, science.
2. A wealthy man frozen in cryogenics wakes up centuries later in a utopia where all material needs are taken care of in exchange for segregation of those preserved from past eras from the general populace. They aren't allowed to reproduce but are allowed to have sex with artificial humans also grown to replace manual labour, lifetime of 6 hours. Man (who committed suicide to be frozen after learning he had a rare degenerative condition that would kill him down the line) has to reckon with being responsible for a possibly living creature's sole experience of existence. Issues of consent and the un-breachable boundary between one person's thoughts and perspective and another's. It's about taking responsibility for one's life and accepting that there is no such thing as inaction to avoid suffering, inaction is in itself an action.
3. Future where malfunctioning optic implants has led to widespread hallucinations and the breakdown of society. A visitor from another dimension arrives and tries to help by standing in as an objective mediator to describe reality but has no concept of good and evil, power etc. and is soon corrupted by human ills. Moral is that the closest thing humans come to absolute truth is our shared act of faith in reality.
4. (3 complete drafts in) A person has a disturbing dream about being shown a time traveller who goes through history telling those with unjust fates who later influenced positive developments in society that their deaths are not in vain. The narrator questions the time traveller's supposed altruism after it becomes apparent he is doing this because he's scared that nobody will do this for himself on his own deathbed, and it ends up being about how all acts are the approximation of their ideal form.

[Anonymous No.13999465]

>>13998490
Also, James never opens the case or sees the papers. The father giving him the case represents the burden a parent places on their kid when they have them whilst not believing in a traditional Abrahamic afterlife or anything like that, reproduction by rote rather than striving for a higher purpose in existence. Not a judgement call, a description of my perspective.

[Anonymous No.13999523]

>>13998606
-Thanks!
-Because he's an anxious kid + he's noticed something different that time which intrigues him
-That'll become clearer later on in the story, you don't find out the precise fate of the parents because it all takes place in a day and he doesn't go back there but the antagonists are revealed, human and multiple of them
-It happens too quickly for the parents to react any other way, I try to use the length of prose to denote the length of time passing- so there's a gap time-wise between the dad leaving the bedroom and the intruders arriving, for example, while the encounter with the intruders you can take as taking place exactly as it is written with no extraneous time omitted; the kid knocks at a nearby house and calls the police very next thing after that page stops; he's not expecting a violent attack on his parents and in the UK, if you hear a commotion of unknown nature downstairs and your parents are already prone to arguing, you wouldn't automatically think to call the police in the 10-20 seconds it takes for the altercation to occur- his mobile isn't charged up, which is mentioned later as it makes it harder for him to contact his friends who become equal protagonists later on
-lots of teenagers in the UK take caffeine tablets habitually for studying, wealthy kids buy ADHD prescription amphetamine

[Anonymous No.13999533]

>>13995871
the ass was fat

But when I started to think about it

The fat ass was the greatest

It was hard to understand

Why you couldn't understand the fat ass

When we both thought we knew the fat ass

I couldn't say, "Why you can't understand?"

But when I think about it

Maybe the fat ass is the most beautiful

You know the whole world could be beautiful

But I've got to tell you one thing

The fat ass is the greatest

I've tried so hard to understand

The fat ass

The fat ass is the greatest

It's always been a mystery

I know if you were the first

With a fat ass the world would have laughed at you

You'd look like a fatass

But the world hates fatasses

It's always been a mystery

I'm really glad that I could meet you

I was really tired and I tried hard

To understand

It was an incredible experience

[Anonymous No.13999552]

>>13999015
alright thanks anon. And yeah, I know the topic is kinda cliche, I'm just kinda stretching my legs at the moment.

[Anonymous No.13999582]

Bruh I can't get my ass back up

Bruh, bruh, bruh

Bruh I can't get my ass back up

Bruh, bruh, bruh

Bruh, bruh, bruh

I can't get my ass back up, I can't get my ass back up

Bruh I can't get my ass back up

Bruh I can't get my ass back up

Bruh, bruh, bruh

Bruh, bruh, bruh

Bruh, bruh, bruh

I can't get my ass back up, I can't get my ass back up

The ass was fat

I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried, I tried

Bruh and bruh, they can't hold it anymore

Bruh and bruh, they can't hold it anymore

[Anonymous No.13999602]

>>13995871
https://pastebin.com/BBmWdJSP
First few pages of my novel. Unfortunately pastebin doesn't allow italics.

[Anonymous No.13999663]

>>13997909
nice

I feel a cancer may grow in me
like my pity as I drifted
it would grow easilly

And it would sail on easy
my relic and its crew
after they had left me
With our drifting they were through

To a high sea they went
to find larger catch
but I can see the deep now
of where I’ve been sent

The winds carried moaning pity
Heavy and uselessly
as the cancer that may grow in me

[Anonymous No.13999806]

And so you walk
These empty holes
Spirals that once
You thought were gold

And so you look for mother Mary
Just to forget your empty belly

[Anonymous No.13999860]

>>13999453
Sounds pretty fucking cool

[Anonymous No.13999873]

>>13999533
Dubs I understand.

[Anonymous No.13999881]

>>13999582
Damn the new Bukowski

[Anonymous No.13999904]

>>13998682
No war influence, however the basic trauma of everyday living yes

[Anonymous No.13999942]

He hated himself
the world threw him half-victory
after half-victory
and yet—nothing proved sufficient,
which is to say he proved nothing
but that charlatanism and mediocrity
rained when he over himself reigned—
destitute the atmosphere on Earth became,
his world, oh so small—
the streets' drains clogged with fatbergs and flesh
shorn from the excesses of his redundant heart—
interludes and intermissions abound,
the saturated scene held only the superfluously superficial,
more air and less space: his was a play of bombast—
the caterers at the ball, far more dignified;
any who toiled, all who sang and sewn a song—
his death came as a gift,
I'm sick of prettying the shame.

[Anonymous No.14000015]

It's all a void
it's all devoid
i'm become paranoid
stop it
stop it now
I can't
drop it how
can I?
My breath's the plague
a solemn drop of blood
if only I could make
the film reel real
or speed to my dreams
end it now
so the manager can scream
the canyon's so grand
yawning at me
the sky opens down
and my pulses break free
the fortune of hope
and promise of some
dissolves in my eye's mind
as it considers the sum
stop it
fucking stop it
he strangles his prey
strangles the stray
human—obey
the domestic does
the sadistic was
such sweet satisfying pain
the singeing of nerves
literal and curves
welting and swerve
into traffic oncoming
the death too feverish
please end the pain
please end the pain
please now, drain the down
down the drain
round the rain
end the pain
so many strains on the name of my face
so many faces on the strains of my name
I can't nor can he or she or we
I wish I wouldn't but do so please
just end it oh fortune I can't myself
make it quick make it soft make it swift please help
the demons they whisper hell into my ears
breathing torture down my soul and making it sear
their needle needed knives slit my sin soaked son
my heart my soul if only it could run
kill me
kill me
please
please

[Anonymous No.14000233]

>>14000015
Much edgy... such sad

[Anonymous No.14000263]

>>13999860
Thematics has always been my strong point, I just hope I'm able to make my prose live up to it. Reception appears to be pretty mixed from this and the last one, I have Aspergers and am often told IRL that I'm a terminal over-explainer and I fear it leeches over into my writing. I feel like I'm missing out vital context if I don't explain lots of things surrounding the subject as well as the subject itself. And I use purple-prose vocabulary in everyday conversation that seems tryhard to some people but is honestly just my vernacular by habit. I used to get my shit kicked in at school.

[Anonymous No.14000311]

>>13999602
Cool. It’s intriguing.... the voice it’s strong. Though the story really begins until paragraph 79, the content from paragraphs 1-78 sound like many other stories.
Also the story is taking place in memory, but there are instances where you break that off paragraph 85 “below in the”. Since it’s not happening in the present it doesn’t give that snap that you are going for.
Then again in 119-137 you have this flashback, that takes us out of the rhythm.

The use of memory, and the development of the characters through the reactions they have toward each other is very well done.

Thanks for sharing. I’ll like to see the rest.

[Anonymous No.14000314]

>>14000263
Turn your strange to strength.
Trust me it’s better to over explain and then cut back. Even if you end up cutting 90% of it. Good luck.

[Anonymous No.14000315]

>>13995871
It's not good, but as I read it I could only imagine the young female in the picture whispering it in my ear, so I liked it.

[Anonymous No.14000387]

>>13997909
pretty good

[Anonymous No.14000411]

>>14000311
Thanks for reading and offering feedback. Always appreciated. The novel is complete. This is the second draft and I'm working on the third. It's slow going and sometimes feels like the grind never ends. I understand what you are saying about it not being in the present. But I have chosen past tense intentionally and I think it is the right choice. Some parts are in present tense, but not in the first section of the novel.

[Anonymous No.14000420]

>>13995871
Pics like that almost make me forgive Butterfly’s tendency to make absolutely retarded takes on almost any subject. Wish we could cuddle (platonically) sometime and talk about Ego and Its Own.

[Anonymous No.14000434]

>>13995871
Who is this? Looks like my girlfriend desu

[Anonymous No.14000649]

i know it's cringe shit. I'm a new writer, please don't hold back.
The car was a shiny, screaming blue. Light bounced off of it and into my retinas without my consent. Talk about assault- people are always going on about physical and emotional, but what about assault of the senses? Anyways, the car. It was screaming down the main artery of my suburban neighborhood. Clearly this driver was the rational type. 45 in a private road? Yeah, seems reasonable. Another funny thing about cars: They weigh more than people. They also go faster than people. Physics and all that. I wasn’t thinking about physics that much when I went flying. I wasn’t thinking about much of anything. All I remember from my incident is the 10 completely normal minutes before it and the scribbled-in-my-mind concept of pain. I know, very Hollywood dramatic of me. But that's how it was. A single chemical instinct filled my mind's eye, and that instinct read capital P-A-I-N. I describe it to other people best with a piece of paper and a pen. I turn the paper lengthwise and tell them, “Think of this paper as my brain.” I take the pen (hopefully not one of those cheap Bic disposables they have around here) and draw a straight line. “This is my brain normally.” Most people are internally rolling their eyes by this point, doesn’t take a mind-reader to see it, but I stand by my love of visual metaphor. I then start drawing straight lines off of the main line. Think of a timeline. “These smaller lines are thoughts. They’re pretty structured and they’re all about what’s happening right then.” Then I turn the paper over. I draw the same thing I did on the front, but nix the explanation this time. “This is my memory of my brain before and during my accident.” I channel my soap-opera intensity and scribble the whole diagram out. Under it I write in sharp, angular, scratchy, bold, alien letters (You know how the Greeks scratched things out? Like that.) P-A-I-N. “You think of pain as a concept and experience, right? Same here. Two seperate uses for one word. But at the moment where my soft meatbag body got taken for a surprise joyride, my soft meatbag brain took every single meaning of pain and mashed them together. On the exact impact, my vision flashed white. That’s chemical. Blood being moved fast in the head. But after, that was a different kind of chemical. Still visual, though. I saw a red fog, eyes closed and eyes open. The word PAIN was spelled out right in front of my eyes. I couldn’t understand the damage to my body then. Millions of white-hot fishhooks gouging my brain. Then darkness.”

[Anonymous No.14000653]

>>14000649
I’ve gone through that whole process a few times with a few different people. I’ve got a pretty big extended family. They always want the whole story. The funny thing is that my immediate relatives are the ones who asked the least. I guess it’s some sort of primal understanding. They know me better, so they can relate better? I don’t know. Human to human interaction is so repetitive when you’re laid up in a hospital bed. It’s very saccharine. “How are you doing?” Clearly wonderful. My lower body is enclosed in a plaster tomb, and seeing that the top half was never much to begin with, I don’t think a 2000-pound metal makeover helped much. Everything is about me. I haven’t had so much attention in my entire life. I get that we’re social creatures. We crave attention from others, yeah, but attention is just like food. We need it to stay healthy, but too much will do you in the same way as too little will. Such is our personal irony. All miracles of nature, 200 pounds of highly efficient biological machinery, but one chemical imbalance and your whole life’s thrown out of whack. Our physical is pretty close to our mental, too. I consider myself an authority on that subject. Easier than a PhD, you know? Get hit by a car and you’re an instant expert in lying down, taking it easy, and self-loathing.
I woke up confused. Not like in the movies, though. Not five minutes of the “Who, what, where and why?” show. It took me probably ten seconds to come to myself. If only it had been longer. I was in a hospital bed, decked out with some high fashion accessories. Firstly, a fuzzy polyester blanket covered in purple flowers. Secondly, a white hospital gown. Thirdly, a massive cast lower-body cast and enough machinery to make the Terminator a reality. I was basically half-robot. Monitors were spitting out my vitals and essentials constantly. If I were a monitor I think I’d get really sick of displaying someone else’s numbers. Maybe I wanna say something myself, you know? Luckily machines are easy. They don’t have chemicals in them, only electricity. Thank God for that. It didn’t take long for me to get used to the machines anyways. The beeping was annoying for a few weeks, but now it's as if I’ve been hearing it my whole life.
My new normal state of existing can be summed up as “fuzzy”. My head isn’t fuzzy, the pricks and pains sure aren’t fuzzy, but my thoughts are. I don’t really feel like I exist most days. I just float and float on my hospital raft through the seas of slow recovery. I know that this is just a difficult time in my life, and like other difficult times someday I’ll look at it in my rearview mirror. Memory’s a funny thing. I can pull more out of the 8 tenths of a second I was flipping through the air after being given a surprise kiss by a BMW than the four weeks of existing that came before it.

[Anonymous No.14000776]

>>14000314
Thanks

[Anonymous No.14000810]

>>13995871

[Anonymous No.14000960]

I am a man burdened with an impossible undertaking. I have only recently discovered its impossibility, much to my own embarrassment (I should have had some foresight). Unfortunately, there is no way I can turn back. Once a job has been accepted it is uncouth - barbaric, even - to abandon it. Furthermore, this is a task I alone can perform (or endure, rather). If I shall not do this, it shall never be done.
I am, in some sense, a historian. I search for artifacts of interest; I speculate as to what caused them, or who created them; I tie up and compile data, figures, profiles, biographies; I build timelines and maps, and many other things. In another sense, I am a journalist. I don't just record that which is ancient; I explore fledgling happenings, too. You may not know it, reader, but I may have picked up traces of your existence as well. Prints you have left may be neatly filed away for my later examination. Depending on how vocal you are, you could even be one of my primary interests.
I have met others like myself, yet different in their specialty. I've messaged one responsible with documenting the movements of objects. He'll spend weeks, he types me, following a plastic bag as it's carried by the wind. He inks careful observations in a notebook. He stuffs one full every week. So far, he's crafted quite an extensive history. "The History of the Motion of Objects," or "A Compendium of Paths Traveled by Things," are the two titles he's deliberating on. I typed to him about my own project. He scoffed, and typed a haughty reply (Indeed, we recorders have a sort of rivalry, or misunderstanding with each other). His mind simply couldn't fathom why I record what it is I record.
"It isn't real. What I write of is. I write of what one can see, and touch. Other men write biographies of Kings, or doccument the lives of solders. I follow objects, and write their stories because no one else will. But at least there is a story. At least what I record is physical." Those vile words glowed on my monitor. Dumb and unaware of the irony, the contradiction they represented. I stopped messaging him after this.
After some time passed I managed to forgive what he wrote. "It must have been the stress," I thought. "Our jobs are very stressful."

[Anonymous No.14001048]

>>14000653
>>14000649

You need to reread and fix your sentences, good stream of consciousness.
The format and language complement each other. Keep going.
It would be interesting if you made more car references through out.

I recommend you read Denis Johnson.

[Anonymous No.14001083]

>>14000015
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p611hMnrGKE
>>14000434
it's ur gf, desu

[« Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ » !mxvabIoSIE No.14001133]

>>14000420
What comments are you having trouble with?
>Ego
The Unique one

[Anonymous No.14001617]

>>13997275

Thank you for the kind words! What can I do to improve? A gothic style is what I went for obviously but it feels pretentious to me with the use of words such as lugubrious and satanic fright but if I removed those and replaced them with simpler terms then it feels like it loses the goth touch and ultimately the point.

[Anonymous No.14001659]

>>13996666
Nice

[Anonymous No.14001808]

Barley biscuits and
M&M packets tumble. Within
Strained hands

No more graves

He is 8 years old

'To begin again - again...' Within
Murmuring windows
To a father who will not eat

No more sisters

He eats too much

Broken bottles and
M & M wrappers on a soft night.
The bombs still falling- Within

[Anonymous No.14002116]

>>13998710
First of all, this comes as such a relief among some of the other pieces. Thank you for actually sounding like a human, like, person. Your varied sentence length, for instance
>Not rocket science.
engages the reader. Your voice overall comes across as sincere and genuine, and I loved reading it. For the most part you characterize a curious, precocious child excellently.

Seems to me your intent is to evoke this liminal stage between innocent-unaware-kid and rational,-free-thinking-adult. I like it. Let's label this character's voice the "developing" voice.

Problem: I'm getting a mixed signal between the "developing" voice and the narrator's actual, fully adult voice today. For each sentence, ask yourself: Who is saying this? Is it the narrator today, or is it the kid back then? There shouldn't be any ambiguity whatsoever, nor may the answer ever be "both."

For instance:
>Obviously I didn't get it. Know your audience, lady.
>I guess the existential horror of that little detail didn't quite register...

Only the adult narrator realistically could have said these (a child cannot possibly be aware of being unaware), yet "lady" evokes the kid voice. On top of that it kind of beats the reader over the head, telling instead of showing. I reread the passage with both of the above sentences omitted, and it reads cleaner.

Come to think of it, rereading your conclusion I recommend against invoking the narrator's adult voice at all. The conclusion leaves me yearning for more from the "developing" voice, more from the child's thoughts: I find myself asking, "Is this kid mad at her Mom for condescending her? Or else, does it comfort the kid to be condescended? Are there issues of trust now? What are other things this kid is worrying about?" You don't necessarily have to answer all these questions. The fact I'm even asking them again speaks to your strength in characterization. I love the dry conclusion.

Thanks for sharing!

[Anonymous No.14002126]

>>14001133
Don't respond to anyone talking about you in that way, thanks :3

I almost don't want to have interest in you anymore knowing that there are actually people on this site that do, so you are lucky I'm actually giving you this advice. :3

[Anonymous No.14002174]

>>13998710

>>14002116 here. One last thing.

Call it a hunch, but the whole kid voice thing combined with the no quotation marks thing reminds me a lot of Aimee Bender. Pic related is from Marzipan, itself from The Girl in the Flammable Skirt. Aimee Bender is superb at stepping into a character and letting her humor and values shine through her characters' action and voice.

If you aren't gonna include the adult voice at all, you may want to ditch the whole personal essay route and just go full-on short story. Treat the characters more like puppets, amping up certain body language and sensory details so your existential underbelly brims closer and closer to the surface without ever having to resort to merely "tell"-ing it. You definitely have the chops. Have fun with it! Go crazy!

[Anonymous No.14002312]

>>14001048
Thanks! Appreciate the critique.

[Anonymous No.14002333]

>>13996672

When you know how to use interesting, somewhat unique language, can craft an enticing image, have a thorough understanding of rhythm, have read a decent amount of English (or whatever your native language is, and if you wanna be really good, french) language poetry from throughout the centuries, meditate on the spirit of our times and and digest it, be familiar with the contemporary poets of your nation, become a scrupulous critic of your own work and others' so you get a good understanding of what works in poetry today and doesnt , consume philosophy, particularly that which addresses your subject of interest, be acquainted with visual and sonic arts, then you should be good to go, a mon avis.

[Anonymous No.14002335]

>>14001133
The ones you make when you waltz into a thread that you have no business being in—due to your rank ignorance of the topic at hand—and yet feel compelled leave your tripfag opinion behind to pollute the thread.

i.e., confusing Austrian writers like Rilke with the Austrian school of economics, thinking the managerial state had something to do with retail and fast food managers, proudly claiming to not have read Kissinger as if it weren’t in an anarchist’s best interest to learn how their chief enemies think, etc. I could go on and on. I didn’t hate you in the beginning, and I found the tranny accusations to be puerile and baseless, but I’ve since come to expect nothing but dilettantism from you, and I resent your presence much the same.

You can be a real retard sometimes (most of the time). But I would almost be okay with it if I could cuddle with you on a plush couch by a fireplace and talk about [The Unique One] and Its Own.

[Anonymous No.14002961]

>>14002174
I read the pic before your pic, thought you wrote that. I like it, regardless, I think I'll pick it up sometime.

[Anonymous No.14003493]

>>14002116
>>14002174
This is great feedback, thank you. I've never gotten around to Aimee Bender but the section you've posted has piqued my interest!
Quick question: you gender the narrator as female. Was there anything about the text that made you perceive them that way or did you just pick a gender at random since none is specified? I'm really curious for some reason

[Anonymous No.14003697]

>>13995871
You will never be as good as the tiger poem but you can hope
to get at a close level as homer

[« Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ » !mxvabIoSIE No.14004060]

>>14002335
Threads aren’t sacred ground and conversations are best when they’re about teaching and learning and not mutual masturbation.

>confusing Austrian writers ... with the Austrian school of economics
It was phrased in the form of a question, wasn’t it? I did apologize. And I still see no pictures of Rilke or the others. It’s always Mr Sweatband etc.
>thinking the managerial state had something to do with retail
Being an anarchist I’m against all unjustifiable hierarchies. (Kissinger) and I hate Kissinger. All one has to say is that you’re reading him to know your enemy, and I did leave it at that. Fuck.
>dilettantism
I’m self educated. And frankly feel like poking people here when they don’t make any effort. Again, I apologize for poking the decent folks. Hard to tell you apart at first, you must understand.

Hope we can find people to cuddle with someday, anon.

[Anonymous No.14005303]

bump

[Anonymous No.14005536]

Yeah I fuck
yeah I putt
those nuts in that butt
asshole in one
I make merry with marry
pop Cherry's cherry
I give Rhonda my anaconda
and sip sherry out of Sherry
I'm a pro creative
I'm a pro procreator
I'm an instant inseminator
ne'er a masturbator
my genes dominate the pool
semen prominent at school
pop quiz 'bout my jizz
all the ladies drool
straight retarded on this dick
can't speak on this dick
crashin' drivin' stick
I put the man in manual
I'm the man in the manual
I fuck my own grandmother
metaphorical and others
I break barriers like rams
battering and Los Ange
I smother the competition
with a smattering of cum petitions
to impregnate all women
yeah the father of all children
yeah fuck diverse children
I fuck diverse children
agists can fuck chickens
I lick the morticians
I prick the statistician
I kiss the beautician
Brenda the bootylicious
brownbag them bitches
tolltag the britches
I am the bridges
to all moral midgets
the glorified and seditious
check the yaw I am vicious
damn I'm good lookin'
look I'm damn cookin'
ham and that bacon
raking in that making
satisfying the atoms
in the worldwide stratum
it's a fact, I'm at 'em
the world records, bobbing for apples
the bucket is made of grapple
tape and diamond staples
my smegma is syrup maple
the core is iron fables
the middle is ironic tables
tablets on the papal
state propping the label
the heat can't take it
a cool sky saddened by
the dreary drapes of passersby
this plane, unplain, of sexistence,
yeah I put the sex in existence,
for instance, the death of Ishmael
reflects a song I wish I knew—
my dick's moby the DJ—
testicles 2 Live Crew—
can't conjure the sedated
souls aboard a ship sinking
a ship made of lead and an inkling
of a whirlwind, the effervescent lips
of nightmares equipped with wooly fangs
the trap-jaw of mature resignation
borne out a misery of 11 years
where ossification metes a single leer
from Beatles yesterday, Jim Jones today
and a King tomorrow who you can't name,
as the stray dog sleeps alone
I call its name and its name alone
(my dick is its bone,
my ship is its home).

[Anonymous No.14005885]

>>14004060
>Threads aren’t sacred ground and conversations are best when they’re about teaching and learning and not mutual masturbation.
If you had any humility and self-awareness, you’d ask questions or observe instead of making retarded statements. You often don’t start conversations, but rather derail them for attention. And that’s what annoys the hell out of me about low-quality tripfags. It’s all about look at me-me-me!!! and not about the subject at hand anymore.

[« Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ » !mxvabIoSIE No.14005902]

>>14005885
>instead of making retarded statements.
>He says on 4chan. Home of the low quality anonymous posters.

There’s people on here I wish I could ignore. But you all have the same name.
>look at me-me-m
Weak.