/lit/ - Literature

[Anonymous No.13886503]

Mr Anon! Good to see you again. Your reading station will be free in exactly 5 minutes. The paper lift is still undergoing renovations, and the bellhop is mysteriously missing, but I'll have one of the macaques carry your books. Enjoy your stay at the local library.

[Anonymous No.13886536]

>>13886503
This is a really good thread

[Anonymous No.13886717]

Mr. Anon spat a hunk of chewed Doritos into the waste bin. “Okay, yeah, thanks” wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve.

While this wasn’t necessarily the worst day of Mr. Anon’s life, it was damn near close; both of his divorced parents had just disowned him, separately, and he was fired from his job at the supermarket for “his disorder,” a reason on which he could find no further information.

Mr. Anon sat glumly, chin resting in his palm, gingerly gnawing his fingernails. Somewhere, someone farted. Laughter echoed off the high ceiling and roving librarians held their fingers, sternly, to their lips. “Like to get me some of that action...” he muttered, not knowing what it meant.

“What was that, Mr. Anon?”

[Anonymous No.13886732]

>>13886503
That's a prison bracelet. That nigger is trying to steal my computer and my bike!
Stop!

[Anonymous No.13886855]

>>13886717
Mr. Anon looked back, bewildered. The head librarian had his hand cupped behind his ear, as if eager to hear what Mr. Anon would say next. “To what action were you referring?”

Everyone else in the library stopped their activities, ears perked, as if called attention. Their faces were warped with scorn and disgust, and they were all staring at Mr. Anon. “I, uh...I was just talking to mys—” But before he could finish, Mr. Anon was interrupted by a violent retching in the middle of the room. A young lady was crouched over a recycling bin, loudly vomiting, occasionally raising her head to glare and gesture angrily at Mr. Anon, as if suggesting him responsible for her sickness. Someone else whispered, “Are there any more recycling bins? Fuckin, I think I’m gonna be—BLEGH!” The sound of water splattering. “Good lord, someone fetch a mop and b—HHGMF!!!”

The head librarian came over and whispered in Mr. Anon’s ear, “I think it’s best you leave.” Mr. Anon looked around nervously and picked up his doggie bag of burritos. He slowly put up his palm in a half wave, half plea for mercy, which was met by a chorus of hissing and expulsion of bodily fluids. Downcast, he lowered his head and walked to the bicycle rack outside.

[Anonymous No.13887082]

>>13886503

Thank you Tyson, if you would be so kind to send over one of the library twinks to my station it'd be very much appreciated

[Anonymous No.13887221]

>exactly one week later

Ah, Mr Anon! Punctual as ever. Your reading station will be free in exactly 3 minutes. I must apologize for the inconveniences of your last visit. We found the bellhop - he was in the food! Dead! No wonder that nasty spectacle you had to witness. Good thing I hadn't brought you your usual serving of quail's eggs while you waited. Now, your soul must be starved. What nourishment does your reading heart desire? What may I bring you?

[Anonymous No.13887271]

One Buchpass for the Library pls

[Anonymous No.13887399]

>>13887221
I'll take a bagel with a curious schmear, veggie please

[Anonymous No.13887406]

[Anonymous No.13887431]

>>13887406
W-wait, that wasn't me!

[Anonymous No.13887434]

>>13886503
What the fuck, why do I need a "reading station"
As soon as I get a girlfriend I'll stop coming here, and spend all day at the cinema instead

[Anonymous No.13887462]

>>13887221
“Oh, it’s no problem. Let’s see..” He scratches his chin. “Do you have the second volume of David Wertsinh—” Yet, before Mr. Anon could finish his request, a muffled cough. “Or, um, perhaps I’ll settle down with a nice collection of —” Then, another, louder this time. And, as Mr. Anon feared, these coughs lead to a gradual, collective belching, which led to a choral heaving, which led to a retching, and soon, a library-wide, gastrointestinal cataclysm, the patrons gasping for breath, screaming for his expulsion, the floor glimmering with bile. Somewhere, an engine began to purr...

Reginald leans back in his chair, closes his eyes, and inhales his cigarette. “Yeah, baby, that’s the ticket.” Beneath him, the Zamboni hiccups, eager. Reginald, long since disillusioned with the resurfacing and sanitation industry (and it’s “lack of upward mobility”), opened one eye and groaned. “Ain’t like it’s going no place.” He sat up and rubbed his partially-clothed, rotund stomach. “Mmhmmm...” He searched for the chicken potato he had been warming up against his crotch, but to no avail. Like so many other things, missing... On the dash, a scotch-taped, frayed photo of a woman in profile, looking over her shoulder and pointing to a Ferris Wheel, mouth open and full of ice cream. A blurred thumb, ostensibly Reginald’s, takes up the bottom right corner. Reginald fingers the edges, wistfully.

“It ain’t like I planned for this. You with the kids, me and those goddamn sonuvabitch pygmy mice, fucking all night. Can’t even sleep no more, what with the incessant copulation...” he sighed.

A loudspeaker drones overhead: “ZAMBONI PERSONNEL, MAIN FLOOR.” And what’s more, this once-a-week Mr. Anon character was proving to be a real nuisance...

[Anonymous No.13887463]

>>13886503
Hi, um, it seems one of the female study groups escaped their dedicated floor and they aren't wearing shoes.

[Anonymous No.13887479]

>>13886503
Hey, my keycard doesn't work on the spectacles exchange. Are there house bifocals I could rent for my study session?

[Anonymous No.13887510]

>>13887463
Thank you for bringing this security breech to my attention, Sir. I will send one of the macaque squads. In fact, I have been waiting for a chance to deploy them for quite some time. Those ladies will wish they hadn't abandoned their footwear...

[Anonymous No.13887516]

>>13886503
So sorry to be this guy but I saw a bookish type male with a bandoleer of highlighters

[Anonymous No.13887532]

>>13887510
Thank you, sir. You keep a splendid library

[Anonymous No.13887540]

>>13886503
Thanks Tom, by the way, is that one of the macaques sitting at the desk right in front of us there? Wow, that's great that you guys taught them to sit in front of a computer, what a riot!

[Anonymous No.13887543]

I accidentally the book as a cumwipe but I am too impoverished to afford a replacement book please do not remove my librarying privileges.

[Anonymous No.13887547]

>>13886503
Where's Robert? What did you do with Robert?

[Anonymous No.13887865]

>>13887547
>he doesn’t know

[Anonymous No.13888977]

Finally! I've been waiting for those quail's eggs.

[Anonymous No.13889029]

>tfw the library jester is picking on me again

[Anonymous No.13889384]

One bookpass for the joker novelization asap

[Anonymous No.13889416]

>>13889384
>HALT. Show me your sex passport.

[Anonymous No.13890047]

>>13889416
I-I don't have one

[Anonymous No.13890050]

>>13886503
GO BACK TO AFRICA, NIGGER

[Anonymous No.13890191]

>>13886503
>>13887221
>>13887510
what should I call thee?

[Anonymous No.13891980]

>Tfw you will never be a library squire picking up bookish cuties
I miss home

[Anonymous No.13892001]

I hide my money in books for a good reason.

[Anonymous No.13893127]

>>13886717
>>13886855
>>13887462
you write well, I dig your style