Critique thread

[Anonymous No.12199548]

New thread cause old one is over 300 replies

https://docs.google.com/document/d/172yuo35f1hj1QOXY8dlOQ_OUTbQhL57eQqT7-MtiFIo

[Anonymous No.12199552]

>>12199548
Who is she? Seen this image posted before.

[Anonymous No.12199562]

I wrote this inspired by my favourite short story. I want to know why my prose feels so artificial. It doesn’t flow smoothly at all

https://docs.google.com/document/d/16_BzjVQi6rvvmZlOyns-EyC47gjvi2iDYZHHd3qChm8

[Anonymous No.12199563]

>>12199548
Don't read this gay shit, read my novel instead

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07L74B7Q3/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1544271710&sr=1-1&keywords=death+only+knocks+sometimes

[Anonymous No.12199568]

>>12199563
“This is a really good book. You should buy it.”

[Anonymous No.12199578]

>>12199510
Should I do it?

[Anonymous No.12199582]

>>12199548
Actually quite decent. But I think it’s better if you don’t use a word as uncommon as ”frolicking” two times withing such a short span of text.

[Anonymous No.12199588]

>>12199578
Yes.

[Anonymous No.12199589]

>>12199562
This is a really good rule, actually: if you post your shit in a critique thread, tell us what your concerns are. Otherwise, we'll assume you're just looking to feed your ego and ignore you.


> Her scent. The smell of scented vanilla shampoo mixed with sweet perfume. That was it. She leaned over over the chair, licking her top lip to moisture it. And I was smitten by that action. Absolutely smitten.
The first paragraph sets the scene for the narrator being a creepy fuck. Apart from that, vanilla shampoo is scented by default, so specifying that the scented shampoo is scented is unnecessary, and you're a little wordy throughout.

> It was as if my tongue was tied, like entangled branches of a sinuous tree.
Bit dramatic, don't you think?

> “That’s okay...” she murmured but there was something in her expression that told me it was not okay. Her face was tense.
"Said" is the best word ever. 99% of the time you write dialogue descriptors, you will use the word "said." Dialogue belongs to the character, not the author. Thoughts and emotions should be set by the scene and the words, not by ellipses and "she murmured."

Somehow, she must have found the class as she was already there when I walked in. She shot me a look full of disgust, as if I had deliberately kept a secret from her. My heart felt heavy as I sat down in the chair behind her. It was like being pulled down by heavy stones, black and dark as the night.
> The sequence of events here is is confusing. Is the narrator remembering her asking him for directions, and now he's staring at her in math class like a creepy piece of shit?

> I couldn’t concentrate on the lesson. The numbers mixed in the air and fell down before me. The fluorescent lights, white and faded out, fell on her smooth brown back and the bottom of her neck. The shadows created images which occupied my mind as the class bore on. The teacher called on me but I was lost, lost in a maze of adoration and obsession. He called me an idiot out loud. She laughed, along with the rest of the class. I was an idiot. I was.
The reason your prose feels artificial is because it -is- artificial. Numbers don't "mix in the air" Sherlock-style when you can't concentrate—you simply can't concentrate. When you see things in shadows they don't "create images which occupy your mind as the class bore on," they're just distracting. Instructors will never call you an idiot in public, to your face.

Overall, just write more honestly. You're caught up in style and wordplay when you've barely scratched the surface of content and meaning.

[Anonymous No.12199616]

>>12199588
What if it's gonna turn out to be shit?

[Anonymous No.12199618]

>>12199616
You wont know till u try

[Anonymous No.12199641]

>>12199618
I don't know anon, I've always been interested in epic poems and telling a story by verse alone is something I've always wanted to do, but what I've been writing so far seems pretty bad.

[Anonymous No.12199645]

>>12199616
It probably will. But writing it and recognizing what makes it shit will make you a better writer.

[Anonymous No.12199651]

>>12199641
Ok then I guess that's it. At leats you tried eh? You'll have a story to tell
.

[Anonymous No.12199928]

>>12199548
> frolicking
> maiden
son.

[Anonymous No.12200014]

>>12199548
moar

[Anonymous No.12200085]

>>12200014
This is all I have

[Anonymous No.12200093]

Sorry I keep posting this if you've seen it before, it's barely seen critique in these threads since the first revision.


_________________

peppermint leaves study
brown heat pooled
in earthenware mugs,

winks of honey drool,
a finger stirs,
i taste their conversation—

acupuncture of twilight
beams stamp the balcony
fetal pink,

an olive oil lamp eschews
flame in austere hush.

a cellist in the street, her
crawling song wets
my heel with tongue kiss,

each note deflates a traffic light,
or cafe chatter, or
mauve from aster on windowsill...

all die to song but rise again
as its reflection, as

a basin of pinot blanc,
negro
nymphs
lactating mango
hog's blood, charles mingus
indica
venus with cloven hoof
i

reach

for her breast,
as if it were an
algum branch.

torso approaching
overboard
braced on the railing

then,

the olive oil lamp abruptly
sputters
crimson fur,

“light upon light”, the words
wade through my skull—

the cellist interrupted by
that luminous choir.

i won't reach any further,
i’ll return to my tea.

[Anonymous No.12200110]

Just a diary-entry style prose piece for a project I’m working on for a module I’m doing. Just hoping it isn’t too cringeworthy to submit, basically.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1--P31RiH-dgchp6gEgmz0480CeLa8obC5P1y1tMRToI

[Anonymous No.12200112]

>>12200093
What is your concern with this?

[Anonymous No.12200120]

>>12200093
I quite like it.

[Anonymous No.12200123]

>>12200110
Turn on sharing.

[Anonymous No.12200139]

>>12200123
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1--P31RiH-dgchp6gEgmz0480CeLa8obC5P1y1tMRToI

[Anonymous No.12200169]

>>12200112

What needs to be changed, what's working, etc.

It's my first time writing something like this so I was insecure about it.

[Anonymous No.12200199]

>>12199548
This is the opening to a fiction piece I’m writing. The narrator is supposed to be writing this pseudo-historical account around the late 19th, early 20th century, and it’s basically going to take a magical realism turn. Kind of like one of Borges’ stories that starts off with a realistic narrator, like “The Aleph,” (obviously this won’t come close to that but giving my inspiration will help you guys understand what I’m shooting for sort of). I want feedback on if it’s a decent hook, and also on the quality of the prose. I wanted a long first sentence to kind of reel people in but if I’d be better off breaking it up into smaller sentences let me know (and if you can, tell me where would be best). The 2nd and 4th sentences I am a bit unhappy with and itching to change, but I’m not sure in what way.

Cheers, and I’ll try to leave feedback for you all as the thread grows.

[Anonymous No.12200204]

>>12199641
Just do it you fuck, you can make it better in successive drafts.

[Anonymous No.12200232]

>>12200093
I like it. I don’t think you would benefit from any critique here, you’ll just get nitpickers. Submit it to some journals or take it to someone very knowledgeable about writing poetry. You’re all right, anon.

[Anonymous No.12200236]

>>12200120
>>12200232

Thanks a lot! This gives me confidence thank you.

[Anonymous No.12200240]

>>12200199
You certainly did as you intended with this piece. It's clear you've got direction. I'd like to see a sample of the beginning of the first chapter, if you've got a draft of that.

I can generally identify your concerns with sentences two and four, although I can't put my finger on it. Something about, "there would be much here" sounds awkward and clunky, but beyond that I couldn't say. I might rewrite no. 4, trying to maintain your voice, along the lines of: "Worse yet, I am an American, ever unfamiliar with the customs of this country and its cultural idiosyncrasies."

Have you ever read Poe's "Pym"? You've got a comparable narrative voice and, moreover, that mode of immersion. It's a little intense, though. Take it down a couple notches—especially in that first sentence—and see how it sounds.

[Anonymous No.12200289]

>>12200085
imagine being this attractive

[Anonymous No.12200304]

>>12200289
Imagine having sex with someone this attractive

[Anonymous No.12200308]

>>12200304
Imagine having sex.

[Anonymous No.12200313]

>>12200308
i cant. i have tried but it always goes black after she laughs at my penis

[Anonymous No.12200328]

>>12200308

[Anonymous No.12200335]

>>12199552
This is what everyone will tell you about writing, but lo and behold, it's true: show, don't tell.
>The clerk waited on me obsequiously
How does this manifest itself? If it is worth writing an adjective, it's worth writing an action into the character.
>She shot me a look full of disgust, as if I had deliberately kept a secret from her.
Again, you are communicating action by telling the reader how it felt, instead of making the reader actually feel things.

[Anonymous No.12200433]

christmas poems

[Anonymous No.12200459]

more girls in tight pants

[Anonymous No.12200472]

Here’s what Hurricane Joe said to Jay Whitley JR

HJ: Abandon ship! Abandon ship! Port port starboard!
JWJ: Why’s that Hurricane Joe?
HJ: (shifty-eyed) I’ve caught a yellow finger . . . (theme tune)

[Anonymous No.12200782]

>>12200199
Because the old timey voice is a purely stylistic feature, adopted to give a vibe, I don't think it would hurt you to err more towards the modern voice, especially when it benefits readability. I get it's a mildly pleasurable and gratifying exercise to write like they did in the old days, but you really don't need to go too far with it. I say milk it for laffs as much as you can, then tone it down... idk

[Anonymous No.12200789]

>>12200433
>>12200093
What is this abominable shit?

[Anonymous No.12200809]

>>12200085

My children will look exactly like her thanks to crispr, and that is the most reassuring thing in the world. I can die a peaceful death

[Anonymous No.12200821]

>>12200789
Postmodernism

[Anonymous No.12200871]

372 words. It's a short piece I put together for a "write a story based on this picture" thread yesterday.

Looking for general feedback, but mostly I'm curious mostly about areas where I get sloppy and break narrative voice, and areas where I could have added some complexity to the situation without it getting convoluted.

I can post the image if you think it's relevant.

[Anonymous No.12200916]

>>12200304
Can't. She's practically a higher species compared to me.

[Anonymous No.12200940]

>>12200871
justify the fucking text PLEASE

[Anonymous No.12200973]

>>12199548
>>12200085
>ywn

[Anonymous No.12201032]

>>12200093
Good shit.

[Anonymous No.12201049]

>>12199616
It's about the process broseph

[Anonymous No.12201083]

this past week was truly

a summer of ice

a perfect condition 4

the exquisite corpse

we faked it till we made it

we made it, everybody, lets take

some time and

consider that fact

lets violently contemplate that 4 a brief moment

how great aren’t we?

i know nothing

but i feel everything

a president should have 2 phones

this city is bursting with flowers

that has been said a thousand times

but i have to stress it

dead flowers, living flowers

artificial matrix zombie alien plastic fantastic flowers

i was told i looked like a serious ghost

valerie made a book that was a grave

joyelle explained that the game was called

exquisite corpse, which was news for me

great news, great expectations

every game has a name and every name is a ritual and rituals are real and they cry so false

my name means electricity and ice

if you break it apart

like a heart

when i took a photo of the screen

the photo only contained blood red pixel flowers and 2 lines

you may kiss your wife

the lips were ice cold

[Anonymous No.12201089]

>>12200308

[Anonymous No.12201105]

>>12200085
>big hairy chewbacca vagoo of a genetically northman girl who doesn't know to shave
no thanks

[Anonymous No.12201153]

>>12201105
>he actually likes clean shaven

[Anonymous No.12201178]

>>12199552
Some Sw*de

[Anonymous No.12201189]

>>12199578
No, it's gonna be shit

[Anonymous No.12201207]

>>12201105
>not liking hairy cunts
Pleb taste. Nothing better than sliding your hand into her panties and being welcomed by a thick patch of pussy hair. Or taking off her panties with your mouth while the hair prickles your nose and lips. Or plowing her and rubbing her hairy pussy with your hand at the same time. Not to mention eating it. And then coming on it, seeing the contrast between your seed and her bush.

[Anonymous No.12201222]

>>12201153
>>12201207
not asking for clean shaven you lunatics, just something nice and managed. i don't want to be kissing pic related.

[Anonymous No.12201282]

I was eating out this hairy MILF once, I still get hard thinking about it

[Anonymous No.12201290]

>>12199548
is that the look of lust? People told me I was very handsome and I had lots of these looks in public. I always wanted to make a move but was unsure...

[Anonymous No.12201296]

>>12199589

When I try to write dialogue it feels very awkward to write the word "said". Thank you for making it appropriate again.

[Anonymous No.12201302]

>>12201290
no, it's the look of
>why are you taking a picture of me, creep

[Anonymous No.12201323]

>>12201222
I dont know if its the pornography but I really prefer clean shaven. I shave my balls every fucking month cause I think its gross.

[Anonymous No.12201328]

>>12201302
why?
I can see that she was engrossed by something very engrossing on her phone. Yet she dedicated a moment to notice someone's presence, someone out of dozens in a place full of strangers. It should at least indicate certain level of attraction. And wouldn't her looking up further benefit the accused voyeur? He had the chance to meet her beautiful eyes.

[Anonymous No.12201329]

>>12201296

You don't always have to write "said." It's just that 99% of the time that you do write something it should be the word "said," not "mutter" or "grumble" or "shout." Take more time with dialogue and context clues and you won't feel the need to because your writing will be strong.

Are you the guy who wrote >>12199562 ? Did you rewrite it yet?

[Anonymous No.12201340]

>>12201328
not everyone who looks at you is interested in you. she was probably wondering why someone stopped still on the bus in her peripheral vision. it's a normal animal behavior to check for threats.

>>12201323
used to have a qt blonde gf who had a nice trim patch. one day, she waxed it all off. was not a fan desu. too smooth and felt weird.

[Anonymous No.12201347]

>>12201340
so what would attraction look like in that situation?

[Anonymous No.12201371]

>>12201347
You cant know. 90% of the time when you have eye contact with someone you are staring at, assume they think you are a creep. It depends on my mood how I treat it, but I will never approach them for looking at me because I have no balls.

I learned very early on that consent has nothing to do with words. It is whether they are attracted to you or not that determines consent and you just cant know. You can go up to a random woman and grind on her in a club, her reaction will only depend on how attractive she finds you. It's better not to take risks, especially if your confidence comes from mummy telling you you're handsome. Join a monastery.

[Anonymous No.12201379]

>>12201371
a girl stared at me for like a minute straight yesterday as i approached and then passed her where she was standing at the bus stop
she was smiling and i think laughing at me inwardly

[Anonymous No.12201458]

>a girl stared at me for like a minute straight yesterday as i approached and then passed her where she was standing at the bus stop
she was smiling and i think laughing at me inwardly

[Anonymous No.12201485]

>>12201458
girls always laugh at me, evne girls im sleeping with, im apparently just a laughable person

[Anonymous No.12201494]

>>12201105
>she has a big hairy vagoo
STOP I CAN ONLY GET SO HARD

[Anonymous No.12201528]

>>12199562
>And then she started walking home. I watched her go by, my heart beating in tune with the swish of her dress and her soft hair tossed from side to side. Her feet whispering against the ground. She was floating and so was I.
I really like this part, but made some changes that at least according to me elevates it even further.
>And then she started walking home. I watched her go, my heart beating in tune with the swivel of her dress and the pendulum of her sweet hair. Her feet whispering against the ground. She was floating and so was I.
Also yes, it seems artificial, a little bit all over the place. Although that's usually just a sign that you just haven't found you're groove yet. Keep writing and it'll come.

[Anonymous No.12201552]

>>12201105
As a Swede; no, swedish females are not hairy neither are their vaginas. They're all clean shaven. Southern Europeans on the other hand..

[Anonymous No.12201564]

>>12200093
peppermint leaves study
brown heat pooled
in earthenware mugs,

winks of honey drool,
a finger stirs,
i taste their conversation—

This shit slaps. The rest deteriorates slightly, still good though. Keep it up buddy.

[Anonymous No.12201566]

Will crit for crit, opening to a short story I've been working on

https://pastebin.com/KZEi1n04

[Anonymous No.12201582]

>>12200014
there is no more because >>12200085 was taken without her permission on public transport by an incel creepshot faggot

[Anonymous No.12201587]

>>12200093
disgusting adjectives and metaphors, middling skill but extremely sumptuous and neurotic inner life you lead. I wouldn’t let you within 10 ft of me you unhygienic faggot.

[Anonymous No.12201588]

>>12201582
you dont need permission to photograph people in public do you

[Anonymous No.12201597]

>>12201588
that’s not the point you anti-social rodent, and in some countries yes you do.

[Anonymous No.12201599]

>>12201588
Yes, you do.

[Anonymous No.12201605]

>>12201599
i dont think you do
>>12201597
what's the point?

[Anonymous No.12201626]

>>12201605
The point is that many of us have actually masturbated to this probably underage girl or want to find out who she is because some creep took a picture of her specifically to masturbate to.

[Anonymous No.12201629]

SHUT THE FUCK UP

[Anonymous No.12201637]

>>12201626
aoc is a meme tbqh

[Anonymous No.12201646]

>>12201552
>t. virgin

[Anonymous No.12201750]

>>12200789
no poem pleases everyone! if you have any actual criticism then feel free to add :)

[Anonymous No.12201796]

>>12201083
The picture was more entertaining

[Anonymous No.12201807]

https://pastebin.com/cgZS6cdD

>Half of a short story

I've posted my works in progress here before and have gotten some very helpful/constructive feedback. If anyone feels like plowing through ~3,500 words I'd be very grateful

[Anonymous No.12201907]

Like the mountains, she is a rapport to greatness. A proud journey of intensity. A quicksand trail of manifested love.

W orshipping
E very
B reath
S hared
strewn across past intentions, I see the horizon now! I feel that heavy wind now! almost slow as I breathe it in.

Soft on me.

Warm blush of the sky as the sun passes into distant teeth. I am confident in descent on this star sung night.

---
Struggling to be concise.

[Anonymous No.12201944]

>>12200085
yummy

[Anonymous No.12201986]

pls critiq me. this is called:
"I am the ape at the end of Jimmy Nuetron, Paul"

I pay one mana and draw three cards.

I suck the cheeto dust off my finger.

But when I pull out there is only more.

I wish my dad had pulled out.

[Anonymous No.12202057]

>>12201986
Oh yes, exquisite and natural, anon. And, might I add to that first line of critique, your individuality; your otherness; exposes itself by creating an opposition to your values through, what is, a form of irony? Quite based.

[Anonymous No.12202168]

>>12201566
>The air conditioning blowing against his shirt, which was still heavy with the stench of his office, Fredi stood in the terrarium aisle.

I wouldn't begin with a backwards sentence like this. I know you're jumping into the action with lots of sensuous details (which is good) but I just find it kind of disorienting.

>He held a cold beer in his hand and gently swaying ran his eyes over the glass containers.
the gently swaying reads awkwardly to me here. Also if he takes a sip from the beer, you might be able to pack more into it.

>a encapsulated
should be an

>held his attention on ... held in a living room.
reusing held 3 times in one paragraph!, also he had to stop his attention before he held it

>19.99 read a yellow price tag below her.
awkwardly phrased again

> officescape
don't know what that is exactly. I figure it out from the next sentence, but you should specify "in the next compartment"

>Behind his desk the man scribbled furiously on a stack of paper.

I think this sentence is backwards, or there's a minor grammar error here. "The man sat behind his desk, scribbling furiously on a stack of paper." might sound better, idk... also you don't exactly scribble on a stack of paper, do you? You scribble on the top sheet. Maybe more nitpicking

>The words his ink left behind
No reason to put it like this... also this sentence is too long, you use "to" where you should use "too," and you shouldn't use "minute" where you can just use small instead

>the dull thud he produced didn’t even raise the man’s head.
it wouldn't have raised the man's head, the man would have raised it

> Fredis
apostrophe

***

Somewhat interesting premise but you really gotta work on your prose. Also, "Fredi" is a retarded name, should be Freddy or Fred. Freddi sounds like a latte size at starbucks

>>12200093
amazing

[Anonymous No.12202271]

>>12202168

That's, I probably should have read through what I posted first but I wanted to get an opinion on the rough draft. I appreciate the crit. Do you have anything you want looked at?

[Anonymous No.12202320]

http://sys.4channel.org/derefer?url=https%3A%2F%2Fdocs.google.com%2Fdocument%2Fd%2F1--P31RiH-dgchp6gEgmz0480CeLa8obC5P1y1tMRToI

Just a tangenital diary entry piece of “rituals in the everyday” for a class at uni.

[Anonymous No.12202421]

>>12199548
God, I wish that were me.

[Anonymous No.12202432]

>>12201637
>fucking a 13 year old is ok when you’re 25 because you want to
>interfering with normal teenage love and courtship patterns is cool and won’t have Levantine polygamy mass pedo incel epidemic consequences

[Anonymous No.12202444]

>>12202432
> Levantine polygamy mass pedo incel epidemic consequences
You're just throwing words together, now, Herb.

[Anonymous No.12202449]

>>12202432
>Levantine polygamy mass pedo incel epidemic consequences
based word salad poster

[Anonymous No.12202468]

Saturday night alone, writing in the room with twitching lights alongside a deep, amber Bourbon and a clementine to chase. I lived an exasperated youth. I was there when the bar would shuttle you out into the cold at 4am. Many long nights lost in the snowy streets of Saratoga. I was there. I am here now though. To some this seems like a downward trend, but I do not complain. I still have my health, a roof, my booze, and most importantly, my freedom.

Those frivolous days preceded nights forgotten in shots of cheap Tequila and frothy car bombs with friends that I never expected to have. I lived those nights to the hardest I could because I knew they would never come again. Even if they did present themselves to me now, I would possess a tamer disposition to them. I took what I could from them, quenched my demonic thirst by the pint. Those days are over.

I do not depress myself in isolation over days long gone. The happiness I wrought from them far outweighs any disillusionment I feel about their passing. Being alone was a natural state I struggled through before those times, it has now become easier. My mind now accepts the crushing realization that I may be alone for the rest of these days. It is not painful as much as completely numbing, but I will not succumb to the abyss that surrounds me. I am better than the abyss.

Where does my life lead me now? I look out to the plain of existence that lays before me and walk upon it devoid of any wonder that the mountains before had brought me. The choice to walk this plain was made long before and now, for my sins and demons that fester in scars, I must walk alone. If it were not for those nights of my youth, those wretched friends, I would collapse on my knees and proclaim to my Maker that I will walk no further on its path. My vices destined me to this fate, yet they also propel me through it.

[Anonymous No.12202479]

>>12202449
>>12202444
If you look at cultures where fucking kids is acceptable, like in the middle east, pedophilia and incel driven rebellion are extremely common due to resource and social status differentials. So, if we allow 25 year olds with 50k salaries to start fucking 12 and 13 year olds, not only would you disrupt normal same-age romantic pairings during key points in sexual development but you’d also begin robbing younger men of chances at partners from age of puberty through their tertiary education. It would create a hyper competitive environment in hs for mates and a veritable romantic desert among 13-18 year old women since they necessarily would be drawn to more physically developed and wealthier males who are free of older male subjugation from their fathers and older brothers. This is my point.

[Anonymous No.12202481]

>>12199548
can we get find a new thot to meme, this slut is passé

[Anonymous No.12202482]

>>12202479
interesting point i guess

[Anonymous No.12202502]

>>12202482
I think its pretty flexible, just the evidence when looking at menarche in nordic countries at the beginning of the 20th and then sub-saharan and levantine states it seems like the sooner you fuck the women the more social stratification happens and then you get weird sexual strategies like wive kidnapping, intertribal feuding and pedophilia becoming more prevalent. Its probably a weak correlation but it makes sense to me and im inclined to believe my own intuition about these largely out-of-reach and difficult to test socio-biological theories. Im sure you could actually figure this out in a few decades with ML and better quant techniques in socio-biology and pop dynamics.

[Anonymous No.12202506]

>>12202482
should specify, i think early menarche goes-with polygamous societies, not sure about that but it feels correct and then im also unsure what direction causality is flowing there. For me its more emotional than anything, 26 year old with finance job can easily fuck your freshman/middleschool sweetheart, you’re smaller and financially handicapped by being in compulsory edu and socially less attractive because of your parents controlling your movements.

[MN™ No.12202509]

>>12199548
OP, gonna admit, a lot of this piece of work is unattractive.

The perspective seems peculiar, as if you're shifting from the character to yourself.

It's very inconsistent, not to mention my feelings on the matter of the topic

[Anonymous No.12202516]

>>12202479
>>12202502
I understand the purpose of your word soup now, but I don't think it's as cut and dry as you state. If it is the case, the "veritable romantic desert" among young people, then I would also expect to see widespread stunted romantic development of adult men.

Generally, I think you're oversimplifying it. Those 25yo men with $50k/yr salaries don't tend to have opportunity to interact with 13-18yo girls. This has changed recently with the advent of dating apps, but even in jurisdictions where the fucking of minors is legal—most US states, Europe, others—you tend to see a small subset of older males pursuing younger girls, but never for more than sexual relations. These vapid relationships do not seem to dissuade younger girls carrying on relationships with same-age boys.

[MN™ No.12202523]

>>12202516
I think OP is just jealous he doesn't get to fuck kids.

[Anonymous No.12202524]

>>12201807
I read your work and greatly enjoyed it. There is not much I can give you as critique because you are a far better writer than I am.

I am curious as to how you plan for the story to end. Does Conner man the fuck up? Does Osiris reach his breaking point?

[Anonymous No.12202530]

>>12202506
>>12202502
it makes sense, although the way things are now I actually did compete with 25 year old guys for my girlfriends in highschool. Not 13, but 15ish and up and it was a thing.

[Anonymous No.12202697]

An excerpt, this is happening in a persons head, hence the present tense.

The sun glitter on the water sparkles with the intensity of a thousand diamonds forcing the eyelids into narrow streaks, but it’s worth keeping the eyes open even if for the slight searing pain. “Have you ever seen anything more beautiful?” June’s voice softly speaks from behind. Turning towards her, she gives a playful salute. There she is, basking in sunlight with her short brown hair becoming unkempt by the wind and her knitwear sweater protecting her from the cold front. Mid-September, the two are on a road trip, the very same one June and her husband had planned on going before he was called to duty.
Wallowing deeper into the water, the pacific waves feel like ice, but refreshingly so. This marks the halfway of the trip.

The novelty of the view begins to lose its grasp, hands now instinctively reaching to alleviate the eyes when the car door slams shut behind. June has a towel in her hands and motions to sit on the sand. Grabbing the feet and placing them on her lap, the hands feel so warm against the tingling skin. Her hands begin to massage the heel, feeling returning to the toes and with that, the tickling sensation. Imagine the scruffiest towel in the whole world and now a person who enjoys torturing people for fun. Pulling the foot instinctively away doesn’t help; on the contrary, she tightens the grip on and starts scrubbing with all her might. The sadistic smile on her face while flailing on the ground like a fledgling felt in hindsight like a perfect send-off towards home, not so much at the moment.

[Anonymous No.12202708]

Ahaha holy shit

There's a difference between having a mature voice and writing like a stuffy faggot. No wonder you all will never succeed, you just imitate what you've read and liked.

[MN™ No.12202712]

>>12202708
This

[Anonymous No.12202738]

>>12200085
ill be wanking to these later. great post.

[Anonymous No.12202864]

>>12202271
https://pastebin.com/raw/KpFC9mc4

[Anonymous No.12202865]

>>12202271
>>12202864
Sorry I was only half paying attention. Can you crit this? Just want general first impressions. You can stop if you get bored—in fact, I encourage it. Tell me when you got bored, though.

[Anonymous No.12202927]

>>12202864
>>12202865
fuck... sorry I had to make a slight change.

here, try this:

https://pastebin.com/raw/ikYnDZS5

[Anonymous No.12203233]

>>12202524
Thank you. No idea how it's gonna end yet. I was thinking maybe when they stop in Waco he sees his son there. The original plan was to end it with the fire but at this point that seems pointless.

Was the beginning scene too long for you? I was considering trimming it down but still on the fence

[Anonymous No.12203261]

>>12201552
>swedish females are not hairy neither are their vaginas
Disgusting.

[Anonymous No.12203642]

In the Fall, which was so fair, I found
False thoughts and a hook’s ensnare
Melody of regret, the muddied waters
You had all those old Russian books
Trampled over our social terrain, I
was never really that trusting until that
Bleak November rolling over into Savage December when
I came into a bath towel and was thinking of you

[Anonymous No.12203735]

>>12200809
your... children?

[Anonymous No.12203757]

A veteran investigator and a Forensic Science Grad are standing along a black cliff-face overlooking a rocky beach inhabited by jagged stones and a facedown woman.
“So the victim fell 50 meters to her death?”
“Yes, or so it seems. We can’t rule out homicide just yet, but to me this case most definitely seems to be shaping up as a suicide.”
“How do you suppose that?”
“It’s the most common case among these highschool girls. You know how they are:..” After each resounding clause the veteran investigator claps his hands mimicking the girl’s freefall with a morbid smile on his face “Boyfriend breaks up with them [slap]. Their mommy tells them they’ve put on too much weight they’re too fat [slap]. They bomb a test, they’re average is trash and they have to repeat the grade [slap] Their biological parent doesn’t care about them and their stepparent is a mentally deranged alcoholic [slap]. And why? Because these kids are so emotional. When I was their age my father beat me with a razor strop each morning just because he felt like it. And when I was whipped I ain’t ever cry or moan or feel depressed about it at all, because I’m a man, we men have no tears to shed that women can’t shed for us.”
The sun shown gloomy on the rocks and the stirring black shore and the smartly dressed body with its back to the sky.
“What was her name?” The Forensic Science Grad asked, pencil in hand.
“Ah. Oh. Don’t have the name only the initials,” he gestured to two lonely words on the margin of his notebook: H.H. “I’ll have to look it up once we get back in the squad car. You ready? We can get some Carls Jr. on the way to the station. On me. No, seriously, it’s on me.”

[Anonymous No.12203761]

>>12199548
she's wearing those pants to enrage my penis and she will pay

[Anonymous No.12203927]

I know it's bad but I thought I'd share this anyway in hopes of making it less so
https://pastebin.com/LqHn6DmP

[illiterate No.12203939]

>>12203757
I liked this. Has a postmodern Eugenides vibe. Keep developing the story.

>>12199562
>https://docs.google.com/document/d/16_BzjVQi6rvvmZlOyns-EyC47gjvi2iDYZHHd3qChm8
Cut back on the passive voice. "It broke me out of my trance." can be effectively replaced by "I broke out of my trance." Keep the reader in the present, whenever possible.

Anyone want to /crit/ this 1.5K word excerpt of my first attempt at a novel? It's getting workshopped on Monday and I'm nervous as fuck. Never exposed my writing to anyone in person before. You can find it below:

>https://larthurhunt.files.wordpress.com/2018/12/excerpt-01.pdf

I'm specifically worried about pacing and if the descriptive passages work as intended (i.e., punctuate the revealing, punchy dialogue with the mundane).

[Anonymous No.12203971]

A clearing in the forest is the greatest place to take someone you’re trying to get to like you. You know. Like you in that way. The water nearby will help. Even if it is downcast and cloudy the perception of an opening of light in tree shade will have a metaphorical/psychological significance you will be able to attest to in about 4 hours when you’re riding that slow boat to pussy salvation. If you are with a girl NEVER EVER SAY YOU’RE SORRY. FUCKING. NEVER. If you step on her toe at the bar or something just groan and forget about. She’ll respect you more for it. Take a shit in your pants and forget to change before the mixer? No fucking apologies. Let’s say you build a short on Yen and go long on military defence spending and you personally make millions off of Chinese aggression in the Pacific Ocean and the ensuing sanctions, then guess what motherfucker. No goddamn apologies to that dumb bitch. Personally commit genocide against Rhoyinga migrant workers in Myanmar? Want to be an alpha about it? Just say “Ouch, my bad [king emoji],” but whatever goes on in that dumb motherfucking brain of yours DO. NOT. When the washing machine of neurons are just teetering on the edge of sending dick energy. FUCKING. When you lay a quiet anxious hand on her thigh. SAY. At the moment you’ve been waiting for, she will take your penis out of your pants. That is the moment of sincere apology.

[Anonymous No.12204085]

>>12203971
>A clearing in the forest is the greatest place to take someone you’re trying to get to like you. You know. Like you in that way.
Nope.

[Anonymous No.12204090]

>>12200871
>>12200940
That's an interesting stylistic opinion, anon. Why? You really never see justified text.

[Anonymous No.12204558]

>>12203939
>all the black people stuffed in one corner

[Anonymous No.12204620]

>>12201646
>2018
>Being a virgin
Buddy..

[Anonymous No.12205454]

When I inherited my grandfather's ranch I was hit with both relief and anxiety. I was pleased to get out of the clustered life of living in the city but was worried about how living out in the country will suit with me. I was living in New York at the time of his passing and had been growing tired of the fast-paced daily life in the town. Everyone was always rushing to get somewhere, interns running in and out coffee shops, businessmen and entrepreneurs going into the colossus skyscrapers as fast as they left. It was all far too much for me, everything felt and looked like whirring streaks of colors dizzying my mind.

[Anonymous No.12205655]

>>12200093
Everyone seems to love this, but I thinks it's missing something, so maybe it's just an issue of taste for me. I tend to dislike words just standing alone in a line like
>negro
>nymphs
>lactating mango
It becomes difficult to pick out what these words are related to when there's not some action, and it begins to feel like imagery with no purpose.
I have no clue what the poem is about, which is not a bad thing, but it's tough to critique for that reason. My biggest concern is that I cannot pick out a governing principle, i.e. a meter or syllable structure, or a clear recurring theme or repeated phrase. I'm not saying it needs to be a sonnet, but even great contemporary free verse remains internally logical. I think maybe some more repetition would help, either in meter or word choice, and try not to constantly introduce new information.
Again, take my advice with a fat grain of salt, because it seems like most people like the poem.

[Anonymous No.12205713]

>>12201083
Sufficiently contemporary and not trite, don't know what it's about, but it sure sounds nice. I really like that you limited your images and kept repeating and modifying them. It seems like there's death, flowers, a game, and a girl. I don't know what they're all doing really, but it sounds pretty interesting. The only thing that bugs me is the lowercase "I". Try normal "I" and consider what changes about the poem, and if you really need to make it lowercase.

[Anonymous No.12205913]

my god this thread is awful

[MN™ No.12205936]

>>12205913
This

[Anonymous No.12206260]

>>12199578
Just want to warn you there's an independent comic that had this exact premise from a few years ago, can't recall the title. You might get accused of stealing the idea and all that stuff.

[Anonymous No.12206492]

rough greentext of the opening chapter of a novel I'm working on it.


>it began with a whisper
>the rolling fields of roses from the Earth withered and turned to dead twisted shrub
>the blue sky darkened as black clouds swirled in from ever direction
>the sound of singing birds was drowned out by the shrill howl of the cold wind whipping against her skin
>she grabbed his hand and held it tight
>they were children, comforting each other in the dark, reliant only on each other's light to lead the other into a world of insidious evil that threatened to swallow them whole
>her grip only grew tighter when she saw "it" approaching
>she knew what "it" was, she had seen it before
>she suddenly felt herself lose her grip, she let go of him as he vanished into the vast nothingness
>she was alone
>with each approaching step, the figure grew
>it grew, and grew, and grew
>until it was not only a giant, but the cruelest Fascist in the world
>she felt its cold lifeless hands touch her and she let out a scream, but she could not hear
>she let out another scream, but all she heard was the endless silence
>she had nowhere to run, nowhere to hide, she couldn't even cry for help
>as the Fascist raised her into the air, as if to savor her before devouring, she heard a sound, the most terrifying sound she had ever heard
>never before could she have imagined a sound like this
>it was more terrifying than any sound the Fascist had made
>it was an animalistic shriek, the bark of a dog, with the screech of a monkey
>she watched the Fascist's face turn white with horror
>she looked and saw a demon rise from the Earth, as if Hell itself had sent it
>it let out another terrible shriek
>she cupped her ears so she wouldn't have to hear the sound but it penetrated through, filling her with a terror greater than even the Fascist
>the apparition charged right at her
>she felt as she was thrown into the air as something impacted the Fascist, causing it to drop her
>she landed on the cold hard ground with a thud
>she looked up to the demon and the Fascist locked in deadly combat
>it was ghost-like, evading most of the Fascist's blows effortlessly
>the ones that did find their mark went through the ethereal being as if it were a cloud of smoke
>the apparition moved with such speed and agility that she could barely make out its form
>its mass was grey like the darkened sky
>it seemed half-beast, half-man
>it looked and moved with the grace and purpose of a man, but fought with the ferocity of that of an animal
>the duel between the Fascist and this phantom went on for hours
>finally the demon let out another terrible howl and raised its arm for the final blow
>the howl turned to words
>"Wake up Anne..."

I'll let you figure out what it's about.

[Anonymous No.12206680]

[MN™ No.12206692]

>>12206492
>and it was all a dream

Makes sense coming from someone who uses the word "fascist" as a buzzword so liberally.

What a putrid, steaming, pile of shit.

Sorry mate.

[Anonymous No.12206703]

>>12202468
boring people shouldn't write about their boring lifes

shouldn't write at all desu

[Anonymous No.12206708]

>>12206703
You can pull interesting literature out of mundane things, it just takes skill to see what's profound about them.

[Anonymous No.12206767]

>>12206692
>Makes sense coming from someone who uses the word "fascist" as a buzzword so liberally.

In most cases, yes. But this would actually be an extremely right-wing book with strong religious undertones. I'm actually paraphrasing a historical figure here so it is by no means a buzzword.

[Anonymous No.12206906]

>>12206680
>rhyming
>with a very poor attempt at meter
>& with tactless indentation

I'm gonna hazard a guess and say you haven't read much poetry, have ye?

[Anonymous No.12206928]

As a boy of ten it was my job to release the hens and collect their eggs in the morning. I remember they were mostly Wyandottes and Sebrites with that delicate spidery pattern to the feathers. One winter, before daybreak, I could here from a thousand yards out an unspeakable din of crows and almost human-sounding screams. I threw open the door of the coop to find a pair of foxes mutually goring a fat hen named Dina. Dina was docile. She never put up much of a fight even when I would pull the eggs right out from under her. I remember thinking: "Dina doesn't deserve this." But there was nothing I could do. Most of the others were already dying or frozen in poses of blind animal panic. The impasto of blood, shit and feathers on the floor reminds me years later of a Van Gogh painting. I recall to this day the entire scene. The foxes looked bored and crazed at the same time, as if they themselves were surprised at how easy it was to kill nearly forty chickens. They regarded me with neither fear nor animus: they knew I could do nothing. Worst of all was the sound of Dina's cries attenuating as the sound of her ripping tissue grew to its final snap. Those chickens that did survive were never the same. It would not be an abuse of words to say that they were traumatized. I could see in their glances, and in the circumspect way they treated me thereafter, that they knew I had failed them at that most dire hour.

Some years later we had moved into town. I was beginning to notice girls--I must have been around fourteen--and, no longer burdened by the isolation and drudgery of rural life, the world seemed to be opening up. There was a new sense of possibility that oozed out of the neat rows of houses and cracked pavement, the gutterspouts and mailboxes and shabby lawns. Even the memory of that horrible scene four years prior, which today reasserts itself with stark and obdurate regularity, seemed to be fading. I recall developing a crush on some wan, waifish girl in my composition class. Her name was Dina and only now do I realize that this coincidence was not the cause of my aberration but a necessary consummation of a pathology that was set in motion the very day I witnessed that carnage in the henhouse. Dina and I would take long walks in forbidden places--the quarries, municipal dumps, railyards and disused fairgrounds of our town. Something about the decay and ambient despair of these places excited me. On one of these walks I recall vividly a lone chicken pecking idly at a mound of trash. I was suddenly seized by--I admit--an urgent sexual passion, which to my surprise Dina was eager to gratify. As she fumbled tentatively at my pants, her pale, faintly sunken eyes slowly resolved into the black beady globes of a chicken's; her whispers transmuted into an inquisitive cooing. I was spent before Dina even managed to touch the scepter of my passion. It was at this point that I knew I wanted to fuck chickens.

[Anonymous No.12206977]

>>12203642

This is working towards something decent but is holding itself back by several missteps. "Melody of regret, the muddied waters" is a very nice line, but the previous two feel archaic and out of place, also, the rhyme of ensnare and fair feels awkward while it's positioned as if it's meant to be clever. I'd change that. The fourth line is fine, weirdly interesting, but "social terrain" is a clunky phrase, especially in this context. The penultimate line is pretty bad, don't use abstractions like "bleak november", create an image to express that without just telling the reader it was "bleak". Same goes from "savage december", I mean, either way that whole sentence is clunky and completely uninteresting. Find another way to convey that. The last line is gross and unfitting, I get if you want to keep that as some sort of postmodern joke but I wouldn't, especially since the previous language is almost romantic. But on that note, it could all be in a more contemporary tone, some of the lines work more than others, but overall it feels anachronistic.

>>12206680

The entirety of this is not very good to me. I mean, the rhyme scheme of the second stanza is almost interesting but the language of the whole just feels uninspired. It sounds like it was written in the 19th century but with none of the flavor that made that stuff viable. Break out of that voice and get more creative. I wouldn't go for rhyming unless the rhymes will be particularly good, otherwise, it hinders the poem more than it helps it.

[Anonymous No.12206988]

>>12206928
I'm publishing this.

[Anonymous No.12206993]

>>12206906
I mean the rhymes are cheesy and the indentation can be debated but the whole thing is arranged in iambs pretty clearly.

[Anonymous No.12207055]

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1--P31RiH-dgchp6gEgmz0480CeLa8obC5P1y1tMRToI

[Anonymous No.12207256]

Already posted this on other threads but has now been... Reeducated

1. Big Jimmy Ritter sits upright, cross-legged at the chair, waiting to die. I watch him, sitting the same, doing nothing. The leather sticks on my skin—I am nearly always sweating these days, though there is snow on the ground. I haven't left the house in days
Sam Larsen works around us, careful, machine quiet. I only see her when she moves past me, and no longer, though I trust her enough to look her in the eyes.
She still keeps her diploma up on the wall, just like a real doctor would, and she always says that she is still a real doctor. BOSTON UNIVERSITY SCHOOL OF MEDICINE, and graduated in half the usual time, too.
Jimmy only moves to smoke, and he smokes constantly, a pack and a half a day. His hands shake when he brings the cigarette to his lips. I love him like I love myself (poorly). He's still corpse-handsome, glassy-eyed and greying.
Steady-handed Sam Larsen comes up behind me, pressing me down with that cool heavy strength. She can’t be more than eighty degrees. Eternal warmblood, built to last (expensive, and all on state grants). Her breathing is steady, and entirely for my benefit. She's dodging some unpleasantness, polite, tight jawed.
She talks about lonesome Billy and her dying sister-lover Dagmar Holm (Billy never could find a surname), and strength of character, and penicillin. And I can hardly understand it, even though she is always calm and clear. None of it means anything.
Sam says that we can make it through if we are careful. Through what?
I still keep my old I.D. in my pocket, six years expired. ROBERT MARIA WOZNIAK (, Ph.D.), handsome, broad-faced, nearly smiling. I am dying of the same disease as everyone else, only it seems to be taking longer to kill me.
And Billy still calls me Dr. Wozniak, though I don't think she ever knew me as it. It feels so cruel out here, denying any familiarity. I certainly could be more her sister than pretty Dagmar upstairs (even if I would hardly call myself a woman anymore). I had (had) six sisters just like her: tall, strong, handsome, and dead. Or most likely, anyway.
She left three days ago, on horseback, to go looking for something specific but unknown (to me). I don’t expect her back for another three days, and I am glad of it.
Dagmar sings upstairs (in Danish, I can’t understand any of it). Her voice is still very good, even though she is dying of pneumonia, or possibly tuberculosis. I can't tell the difference. Sam can, but has no reason to tell me (says she isn't contagious anymore, but what would it matter if she was). Some nights she calls me Wilhelmina (only from behind).

[Anonymous No.12207481]

>>12206680
>life is hard
>poetry
WOW!

[Anonymous No.12207509]

>>12202697
awful prose. simplify it

[Anonymous No.12207516]

>>12203971
almost funny. too much swearing though

[Anonymous No.12207517]

>>12207256
Pretentious and belaboured and utterly confusing.

[Anonymous No.12207523]

>>12202697
>a thousand diamonds
get a better simile

[Anonymous No.12207524]

>>12206928
aaand its a juvenile joke

[Anonymous No.12207526]

>>12207517
Thanks thought so. Not trying to be pretentious I just have too many autism

[Anonymous No.12207540]

>>12207517
Also if you want to complain about someone being pretentious you can't talk like that

[MN™ No.12207543]

>>12207540
not sure what you're talking about, he was being fairly concise, as far as criticisms go.

[Anonymous No.12207547]

How many times?
How many times did my brains paint the walls?
The rocks?
How many times did I walk the beaches?
The docks?
How many times did they see me?
Eyes painted white.
How many times was I dragged into shadows?
Figures in the night,
Whisper my name, pull me close.
I go looking. I’m already gone.
Knowing what I won’t find, I looked for my mind.
But they weren’t there.
They pull. They pull.
Down to the docks.
Down to the rocks.
They pull.
Their faces painted pink and red…

Shine shadows!
Whisper your thoughts,
Shake and tremble.
Scream my name!
Pull me close,
And hide me in shadows.

But these are not mine;
I am not this.
Come to me mind,
And I shall give you
A handful of bliss.

[Anonymous No.12207552]

>>12207543
Your right! Im trying to pick an idiot fight on the internet because I have nothing better to do with my time!

[MN™ No.12207554]

>>12207552
the fuck

[Anonymous No.12207558]

>>12207552
>Your
You could learn some English.

[Anonymous No.12207559]

>>12207558
>12/10/18
Yep!

[Anonymous No.12207617]

>>12199548
HHHNNNGGGGGGG 10/10 genetics, would fuck this slut all day everyday like a pitbull on a frenzy.
Would make at least 10 babies until I got bored of her.

[Anonymous No.12208508]

>>12207617
she needs a good mouth fucking.

[Anonymous No.12208582]

in this thread
>ooh my dick
>she's a slut bc i want to fuck her
>oof my willy
>big hairy vagoo

can we just make a new crit thread

[Anonymous No.12208610]

>>12199548
Id love to see her in one of those ones with the guy wanking in the car then she comes up talking dirty, gives him a bj and he cums in her hands.

[Anonymous No.12208615]

>>12208602

Please make you way to the exits in an orderly fashion.

[Anonymous No.12208645]

>>12208610
m8 i hope shes giving herself a proper wet fingering thinking about us gangbanging the fuck out of her

[Anonymous No.12208921]

>t. amateur conservative writer

For many students thinking of attending college, ever-inflating tuition costs and thoughts of burdensome post-college debt prevent them from achieving their academic goals. Cries for tuition-free higher education have become deafening in recent years, an idea which has been popularized by many high-profile progressives such as Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton. Across the country, younger Americans are flocking to leftist politicians promising a free college education to anyone that wants one. These politicians will even go as far as to say that access to higher education should be a “right” for every American. But should college really be free? Is access to higher education actually a right? Is “free” college actually a misnomer? And do tuition-free programs actually work?

[Anonymous No.12208959]

>>12201105
absolute PEAK COPE

[Anonymous No.12209014]

Nothing

From nothing comes nothing - or so they proclaim,
yet judging by our currently mad disarray,
from nothing came something, to all our disdain,
perspectives change vibrantly, wouldn't you say?

And it's not just something, that appeared from the maw,
Its matter and planets, and people as well,
but didn't it violate natural law?
As if it was God who rang in the bell.

So are we still skeptics or was it a miracle?
Are we prepared to accept the metaphysical?
So speaks the priest and makes a smug smirkel.
Yet still wasn't asked, the existential nihilist.

And so with a grin, he proclaims:

Nothing's still nothing, don't you all see?
No matter what, the world remains worthlessly.
So even if everything came from nothing, you see,
At the end of the day, it's still nothing to me.

[Anonymous No.12209098]

>>12208921
>right?
purely subjective.

[Anonymous No.12209108]

>>12208921
education is a foundation upon which a nation is built. even if you think it shouldnt be free, it shouldnt be restricted only to those who can afford it. Social mobility relies on education and opportunity. It should be as open as possible.

[Anonymous No.12209378]

>>12209108
the tribe with one genius and a ninety-nine dunces will out-compete the tribe with a hundred people who can complete a new york times crossword in a few hours.
well -- maybe im exaggerating the optimal distribution a little bit
but the progress of society definitely isnt determined by the average ability, but by the top decile -- as long as the masses are smart enough not to accidentally kill themselves
this is true of scientific progress and artistic achievement

[Anonymous No.12209405]

>>12209378
And this is precisely the TRUE reason why education should be available to everyone.
Fuck social mobility.
And fuck "letting everyone get to the finish line"
No!
Let the ones who can fly, fly but those who can't mercilessly drown, but never force those with wings to stay on the ground. For you never know who this one and who the ninety-nine are.

[Anonymous No.12209474]

>>12209405
but we have finite resources:
we can either intensively train 20% of the population, of whom 20% will succeed. or we can casually educate 100% of the population, of whom 0% will succeed, because success requires the double-lottery of intensive training and pre-inclined nature.
we could randomly select 20% of the newborns each day to be well-educated, or we could use the existing lottery of being born to rich parents.

i should point out, that i'd rather one's education level made less effect on one's quality of life. so just tax the rich parents to high heaven to compensate the badly educated kids for loss of earnings.

[Anonymous No.12209480]

>>12199589
Thabk you for reading anon. I agree with most your points, especially about the narrator being a creep. My descriptions about love aren’t coming from an honest place. I’m confused about what you said regarding distractions and how the narrator couldn’t concentrate. If I just state these things isn’t it telling instead of showing?

>>12200335
How would you rephrase those two? I get your point but I’m having a hard time changing it

>>12199563
Thanks, yeah your rewrite is better. I’m only 2 months into my writing so maybe my unique voice isn’t developed yet. All in good time

[Anonymous No.12209521]

>>12209474
This is retarded.
We could simply train 100% of the population for a little bit, and then look at how well they do. And then train the best 20% and train them so that 20% of them will succeed.
And then you get almost the same result as if you trained all 100% for almost the same cost as if you trained only 20%. Also because it is known that the sample is preselected, banks will lend money to that 20 % because they will be able to pay it back themselves. So the government doesn't actually have to play for it. Only for the cheap part of training everyone for "a bit". And that one has the double purpose of making sure that society does not collapse.

[Anonymous No.12209540]

>>12209521
yeah actually youre right.

[Anonymous No.12209926]

>>12209098
>>12209108
>>12209378
>>12209405
>>12209474
>>12209521

You all seem interested. If i posted a paste bin of my book on the subject, would you critique it?

[Anonymous No.12209932]

>>12209926
sure, ill be a dick though.

[Anonymous No.12209954]

posting on both threads because there both page one atm. if anyone likes poetry about algebraic topology hmu; i wrote this across the last twenty minutes.

[Anonymous No.12210461]

>>12209378
but dude. making the process as open as possible will have no effect on geniuses. wjat it will do is allow geniuses who are poor from shitty backgrounds to excel. you ass.

>>12209405
im not sure what u saying because it sounds harsh but i feel its the same as mine. make everyone have access. and the greats shall rise. its more efficient. id even be open to making grading (in the uk) stricter and more precisr because right now more people get 1:1 (an A grade or im guesing 3.5-4.0) than fail. and about 70% get equivalent of a B. Theres something wrong. And then if we improved grading then maybe you would get a more efficient segregation of work in the population. I even like the idea of streaming. Maybe after 16 or 17.

[Anonymous No.12210484]

>>12209405
and btw social mobility is letting ones fly who havent got the oppurtunity normally. i dont believe everyone has intrinsic potential. but there are smart people from poor families and they need opportunities to maximise their potential. And also kids who are really bad. We need to maximise them too so they dont end up in shit.

[Anonymous No.12210530]

>>12210461
yeah i was just being edgy. i do believe in good education.

[Anonymous No.12211592]

>>12209378
but my point is those people also exist in poor circumstances you brainless cunt. and we should let everyone have a chance. come here so i can fuck you you fool. ill rip your ass apart.

[Anonymous No.12212388]

>>12210530
fred is that you?

[Anonymous No.12212635]

I posted something like this the other day and didn't get much of a response so I rewrote it. Please see what I don't see or tell me it's shit or whatever. I'm trying really hard to put this stupid idea in my head into words.


This dream I had the other night was pretty weird. Dad and I and some other person, some passenger in the right seat, they were driving down some two lane, country road. I sat right in the middle of the back seat where I could see that oblong, passenger nose-angle you get back there. Everything kind of had that oblong angle to it. The trees we drove past didn’t fade behind us but stretched out like if someone dragged a forest picture across a broken monitor. The sky was blue but had this low fidelity to it, as though it had been recursively posted and saved for however long. Nothing happened for a while. Just that low, heavy hum of tires over road and an engine running was all that anything broke the silence for. Dad was getting tired though. I could see by the flicker of the one long spaceship eye towards me. Who could blame it though? We’d been driving for four days straight, and everyone was exhausted. Someone had to say something though otherwise we were going to crash and burn. I think that was my idea anyway. I said to Dad, “Hey I think I’m going to take a few more classes at the college next semester.” “Yeah I’m thinking like picking up calc three again and maybe a couple of other classes.” “Yeah I shouldn’t fuck it up like I did last time.” I have a bad habit of laughing after making bad jokes in a silent room. “Hey I saw the Giants lost another game. I’ll tell ya that Eli Manning.” His eyes were going; I could tell. I’m never loud enough is the problem.

His eyes shut, and we began to swerve. I didn’t tell you about passenger at all in this time, like what he was up to. That he was knitting something like a scarf I think for my mother. Real nice of the guy to do that.

[Anonymous No.12212880]

>>12199563
This is actually funny, but I'm not paying $5 for a fucking ebook.

[Anonymous No.12213266]

Please critique my poem.


Niggas iffy, uh, blicky got the stiffy, uh
Got the blicky, uh, drum it holds fifty, uh

Pop these niggas like a wheelie nigga, you a silly nigga
In the hood with them Billy niggas, and them Hoover niggas
You run up and they shooting niggas, we ain't hooping nigga
No KB, you a loser nigga, up that Uzi nigga
On the stoop, crills in my draws, your girl on my phone
She wanna fuck but keep her clothes on, I only want the jaw
Man that's really all I use her for, I kick her out the door
I don't want her, you can keep the whore, she fiendin' for some more
In New York my niggas don't Milly Rock, my niggas money bop
Blow a case a nigga throwing shots, I run 'em off they block
Quarter milli in the stash box, I grinded for my spot
Niggas talking 'bout that cash but my bag worth a lot
I don't fuck with no old hoes, only new hoes
Put my dick in her backbone, I pass her to my bro
I don't love her that's a sad hoe, she a bad hoe
I'ma fuck her then I dash home, to the cash hoe

[Anonymous No.12213605]

Pretty awful, but not as bad as my scanless poem, gentlechaps -

teenage cuckoldry


I

Dishevelled across your face, hair,
like verse sung by girl and the sun,
your nude eye peeks from under there,
you notice me and find me fun.
You; gold, brown and white, blushing, too,
know not what to say, nor I, too,
in my head are third-rate verses,
and you try to bring them from me.
"I'll compare her to a flute-song,
when really she's more trumpet, though",
but you waited there, just as I,
patient for my righting of wrongs.


II

Whatever you do, betray me, please,
smile red-lipped at other boys,
whatever you do, make me want you,
notice me, with eyes thrown at me.
A blush is married to a kiss,
but always given by some boy,
silent, unspoken, as you stare,
always at me, in betrayal.
You took my flute and played it, there,
you little kissing blushing hare.

[Anonymous No.12213657]

Rate:

Hey lolicons, what in the actual flying fuck is your God damn problem? So you like diddling cute innocent little girls, huh? So you like oppresing your big toned adult body against her flat torso because you know you are both stronger and more confident than this ignorant powerless creature. So you like tearing appart her clothes as you smuggly chuckle because of your sadist superiority complex, getting her tiny insignificant body completely naked in front of you as your virulent erection grows larger and evolves. So you particularly enjoy impaling her with said dick, filling the girl's interior with your thick dense seed as the meat of her pussy bleeds heavely surrounding your phallus, and then proceding to ruthlessly let out of your phallus a violent cascade of jizz that covers her entire virgin body while she licks the remaining drops out of the foamy glans of your mighty tip. Y'all make me feel fucking sick.

[Anonymous No.12213816]

>>12206260
>>12199578
This is literally the plot to Splash starring Tom Hanks

[Anonymous No.12213899]

>>12213657
>projecting your pedophilic nature

dude you have to be a retard to not see shes clearly of age probably between 19-22

[Anonymous No.12213942]

>>12199548
Rape or just the hottest form of sex?
https://www.amazon.com/Take-Her-Dark-Side-things/dp/1548320773

[Anonymous No.12214342]

>>12212635
Your syntax needs some real work. I don't think it's even ready for editing, but here:

I had a weird dream the other night. Dad, myself, and another man (a passenger in the right seat) drove down a two-lane country road. I sat in the middle of the back seat and saw the oblong, passenger nose-angle you get from the back.

You need work on your fragmentation, grammar, removing unneeded words, etc.

[Anonymous No.12215082]

Humiliation and insanity are powerful motivators. And in a recent event, I have felt the two so intensely that a very subversive thought has became planted in my programming: going to law school. This has been a difficult desire to grapple with, and not just because of my average brain.

There has been many types of people in my family’s ancestry. Lawyers and powerful men, have been near zero. My ancestors have, for the most part, not been the type to have these sorts of ambitions. More embarrassingly however, is my family’s tendency to be preoccupied with the vain and the fleeing. I do not come from a family that asks what it means to carry our blood, and how to exert these ideals we strongly believe in onto the world. Instead I come from people whose sole preoccupation is on how to splurge more of the little they have. Often they splurge to alleviate their never ending existential discomfort. Our mantra seems to be one of romantics and of living in the moment and the now. Money? they lust after it like most people, though not out some deep understanding of what money is. They lust for money out of a need to have as much of the shiny green bills that afford them access to the distractions they crave. In my family, we marry and create new life only to satiate the ego in the present. We don’t think or aspire for anything beyond good rum and nice music, and maybe fame if it comes from physical beauty or signing talent. But even poverty is an ideal where I come from, as long as it is blissful and you don’t go hungry.

There are no lawyers to speak of in my family. Or men who have dedicated their life to some greater principle like, what the law represents. But there are many singers who have children they abandon. And romantic artists who die penniless and leave nothing to their society or their blood, but who's lives were comfortable and highlighted by the the excess of alcohol, youthful romance and emptiness. All of which I am deeply ashamed of.

[Anonymous No.12215355]

GODDESSES AND SIRENS
a short story (-7500 words)
to be completed by march 2019

ONE autumn in 2003, I found myself divulging the yellow fare.
In a certain madness of light, my mind should stumble:

D E S G A R D E S

"F-Fwah?!" I said, "Who's there?"
"Hello David." A hispanic, wavy curled voice hit my ear.
"That isn't my name." Fucking Jasmine, calling me that stupid name.
"What? What the hell is wrong with you?" I paused. "N-Nothing..."
Our eyes met here, my calm met hers.

D _ S G A R D E S

Her demonic gaze. I could've loved her so, so much. Little did I know, the grand fisher looming behind me. It ate my mother. Spit out; no bones, no soul, nothing.
The accutane would shut down my hormones and any chance for an oedipus complex five years later.

TWO many times, I'd find myself in the uncomfortable position. Especially in my middle school years.
"You can shut up now, you're not getting any candy." Cheerleader clearly hated me.
"What the fuck is he doing standing on a desk like that? Demon.Demon.Demon.Demon.That boy is a Demon."

D _ S G A R D E _

Thus spake Cheerleader: "Father, fuckin' martin! Ain't no devil gon' get-"
Then Cheerleader paused. "I love him."

THREE Rivers, Texas. I hear this Siren song that goes:

Oh where, doth that black river flow?
Oh where, where doth it flow?
Succumb to the evening goat!
All you ever known.

Singful Satan! Snacking on Cranberry
Pie! Be mine! Be mine! Be mine!
Nev' mind to these baptism clowns!
Oh where, where, where can you go?
Escape muh' Vix-e-nous Nest!
Never shall you go!

So where, where doth that Black River Flow?
It flows, it flows, home.

=intermission-

"For thy dominion was inscribed:
VARGBLEX RX
Side effects: none
VARGBLEX RX : Don't Suffer.

=end intermission-

There is no such thing as a nine or a six in diplomacy

that's all i got so far

[Anonymous No.12215430]

>>12213816
it's also one of the stories from the Odyssey. and probably Guardians of the Galaxy vol2

>>12199578

[Anonymous No.12215464]

Robert knows that this is about. He likes to take psychedelic drugs and when he takes them, I paint beautiful pictures for him. A month ago, he sent around one hundred pounds sterling to a man in Peru. In return, the man would export nine hundred grams of powdered San Pedro cactus. The plant contains mescaline. I live inside mescaline.
The ruler of the United Kingdom decided that people who posses mescaline should be sent to prison. It also chose to allow the free sale of dried cactus powder in shops across its great land. The ruler of the United kingdom is a radioactive isotope. As it decays, it emits particles. The particles signal a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’, depending on which of two Geiger counters detects one first.

Robert’s eyes are cadmium red. They produce tears when talking to Scarlett. His family is there, he derives no comfort in this. He guesses that they must be suffering greatly.
I can see that his younger brother sees the current act of law enforcement as unjust.
The middle child is thinking about the small amount of cocaine that he keeps in a safe in his bedroom. He is picturing the combination.
I step inside his brain and whisper.
‘Locks only keep the criminals out.’
He shivers.
Robert’s mother is worried that her firstborn will be taken from her.
His father is personally embarrassed about what he thinks his son is.
The dog is afraid, and wishes to be a mastodon. I do not grant this wish.
Robert sees none of this, but feels great sadness about his assumption of the family’s pain. In equal measure he feels terror.

[Anonymous No.12215477]

>>12215464
oh, context:
it's a drug bust in a suburban home, scarlet is a pig

[Anonymous No.12215531]

>>12215082
Writing some deviant, a little mad talk (I guess that it was your goal here ?...) is pretty hard. The logic in the internal dialogue has to seem both kind of intelligible and morally broken at the same time, and it could soon sound ridiculously exagerated. Here, no offense, I felt it to be rather heavily staged. You go way to far and not in the right places, and your character's psyche becomes inconsistent (if he had to be mad or a some kind of jerk it could still have consistancy). You're on the edge of the comical effect.

[Anonymous No.12215598]

How's the overall style coming along in my website pieces that I've been doing?

https://christianjaroschdialogues.com/

[Anonymous No.12215978]

>>12215531

Was it too much details of the wrong thing? I am trying to show the reader the sort of view the main character has on his family and the world. Thanks for the feedback btw

[Anonymous No.12216397]

In the Fall, which was so fair, I found
False thoughts and a hook’s ensnare
Melody of regret, all twisted around
Old men they tell me beware:
Behind every pleasure is some kind of pain

You had all those old Russian books
And you called me the pessimist
That Autumn sun shafts poured through peepholes
Onto some slipstream of memory I wish I forgot
The name of Virtu’s vowels sinking into the blue; that night
I came into a bath towel and was thinking of you

>>12206977
Thanks for seeing something in the initial draft. It was very bad. This is draft two. I took the overall vibe of your advice, but I didn't necessarily agree with everything. Fair was never meant to rhyme with ensare. I am trying to have a constant juxtaposition of an archaic aesthetic (beautiful, transcendental, and idealized) with a modern aesthetic (degenerate, confessional, and yearning). I didn't even notice it until you pointed it out. Fair only existed in my mind as an alliterative device.

[Anonymous No.12216539]

i need to fuck this blonde chick. gonna wank on my phone. bet she sucks like a pro. and her ass is wide. urgh im dieing i need 2 fuck her

[Anonymous No.12216782]

>>12213605
This is really sincere and reminds me of a sappy indie film, which I enjoy very much. I have beef with this line
>In my head are third-rate verses
because the rest of the poem feels like an internal monologue, and people almost never use this sentence structure casually, so it feels jarring. Despite my disinterest in the topic of cuckoldry, this poem is nice.

[Anonymous No.12216894]

Well, I feel like what I'm writing is garbage, but I might as well put it up for critique. Feel free to make comments in the doc.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1pAcA1BRqGnov4gU_lKlx5OFQg80XuJAfDNLTmmmb9qE/edit

[Anonymous No.12217021]

>>12214342
Hey thank you man. I tried to take your advice, even if I was a bit stubborn in the first few sentences (I hate parentheses). I'm not sure if the dash worked either though.

I had a weird dream the other night. Dad, myself, and some guy—a passenger in the right seat—drove down a two lane back road. I sat in the rear middle seat where I saw that oblong, passenger nose-angle you get back there. Everything had that oblong look. As they passed my window, the trees and sky stretched out as if someone had over enlarged a blurred image of a forest. Nothing happened for a while. The low, heavy hum of tires over road and an engine running made a noisy silence.

Dad was getting tired. His one long spaceship eye flickered REM siren songs. We had been driving for four days, and everyone had black, swollen eyes. Someone had to say something though. If the hummed up silence had its way, I knew we’d wrap around a tree. I said to Dad, “Hey I think I’m going to take a few more classes at the college next semester.” “Yeah I’m thinking like picking up calc three again and maybe a couple of other classes.” “Yeah I shouldn’t fuck it up like I did last time.” I have a bad habit of laughing along a silent room after making bad jokes. “Hey I saw the Giants lost another game. I’ll tell ya that Eli Manning.” His eyes were going. I’m never loud enough is the problem.

His eyes shut, and we began to swerve. I didn’t tell you about passenger: like that he had been knitting a scarf for my mother. It’s real nice of the guy to do that.

[Anonymous No.12217049]

>>12209480
Not him but,

show don't tell > show and tell > tell don't show

[Anonymous No.12217059]

>>12215464
I would read the fuck out of a novel written like this.

[Anonymous No.12217466]

And so Davin wakes up, to a sight of blinding light. Where is he? What happened? He can't tell, his memories are dizzy, and everything is cuddled in a bright white light. Davin instinctively grabs the bottle of vodka that is standing on the ground and takes a sip, something strange has happened, has he finally lost it? The day before he was drinking sure... but it wasn't that much. It does not help, the light is still there. And it is getting warm here, wasn't he supposed to sleep on a park bench?
Well, whatever, maybe it will get better if he stands up. Maybe his nerves just need some stretching. So Davin turns around and starts reaching for the floor with his feet. As he finds something solid, he leans in with his weight and tries standing up.
To his surprise, the ground that felt solid turned out to be not so much so. And before he realizes what happened, he finds himself in free flight. The light gets dimmer, and he starts to see. But now the ground is starting to get dangerously close. Yet to his surprise - and great luck, might I add, he dives into ice cold water.
And so there he is now, in the dark, ice cold salty water. A moment of silence, a moment of peace, but his senses come back to him, and he dives up to the surface again.
A breath of fresh sea air, and now looking up, he realizes that he has just fallen from a lighthouse.
"Oh, god, what on earth happened yesterday?", are his thoughts while proceeding to swim towards the shore.

Is my writing style good? I'm not a native English speaker, also I'm concerned if it is noticeable. Also, what do you think about it in general? I'm a bit insecure if writing like this is cringy or something.

[Anonymous No.12217670]

>>12217466
dont do rhetorical questions, especially during the intro. It's redundant as fuck. Also the whole story seems like I'm seeing everything through tunnel vision instead of seeing the whole thing.

[Anonymous No.12217674]

>>12216539
The first novel truly of the 21st century

[Anonymous No.12217675]

>>12215598
>https://christianjaroschdialogues.com/
Idk what I'm reading. Is each one a prose poem for the guys you hook up with or something?

[Anonymous No.12217692]

>>12216894
adverbs man

[Anonymous No.12217698]

>>12217670
>dont do rhetorical questions
Thanks, noted.

>tunnel vision
Well, it was kind of meant to be this way. I wanted to play around with the perspective. But do you think that this is necessarily a bad thing?

[ilVate No.12218159]

Blank Verse Trochaic Tetrametric Quatrain, followed by Dactylic Trimetric Triplet (with some deviation) and a final Primus Paeonic Dimetric Couplet.

Playing with an old unconventional poem based on a book from Homer's song of Ulysses and making it conventional

pumpkin pumpkin mary pumpkin
was white was white was white as snow
pumpkin pumpkin mary pumpkin
couldn't keep her couldn't keep her
higgledy higgledy piggledy
flowers ever blossom so
higgledy higgledy piggledy
difficulties difficulties
difficulties difficulties

[Anonymous No.12218829]

>Come playfellow, I will speak rich and you will hear poor
>But what would world be if tongues would aid truth, and
>Ears not hear deceit? The tale told by me, indeed, me, is
>Of as great of deep ditches as of great high heavens; My
>Story wears a lot of stiches and with what I will dress you
>Has the last one by me sewd, but when you will wear it...

Posted before, first lines, speak seizures

[Anonymous No.12219000]

What do you think of this paragraph? Is it confusing or overwrought?

----
At their feet was a half-rotten head lodged in the mud, with long, spotty hair and maggots spilling from the left eye socket. The right temple and side had been flattened by the mausoleum, and through the skull dripped a black paste that they figured used to be the brain.“Dude,” George whispered, extending his hand. He grabbed the ear and pulled lightly, almost ripping it off. He freaked out, recoiled, but Julian grabbed his shoulder, told him to chill. He took it by the sideburns, tried to pull it out like a vegetable in harvest. The head budged a little. Encouraged, Julian planted his feet, firmly gripped a lock of hair, and jerked once, twice, three times, the head flying off the mud and in the air, the force landing Julian on his ass, his disgusted screech resonating for miles as the head twisted and spinned and fell squarely on his lap.
-----

I'm particularly concerned with the "head flying off the mud." It makes sense to me, but I wonder if it will be confusing for anyone else.

Thanks!

[Anonymous No.12219028]

>>12199548
It blows my fucking mind that this kind of beauty can be produced by nature, jesus christ

[Anonymous No.12219058]

Going through and pruning them out. Thanks!

[Anonymous No.12219085]

>>12201371
>being this virginal

[Anonymous No.12219091]

The beginning of a short story I'm writing. It's going to be a dreamlike satire written in a mockingly archaic style. I'm aware of how over-descriptive it is, just throwing everything at the canvas.

1/2

My acquaintance and I met on the first snowy night of December at a dinner party hosted by our mutual friends, the esteemed Governor and his wife. I'd been praying he'd shut his gob for some time, as I politely sat sipping my schnapps. He was raving on and on about his dearest Anna, and I was finding it increasingly difficult not to throttle him from across our little table. I kept composed though, nodding along and smiling endearingly, but inside I was beginning to boil. Who was this scoundrel to brag of his dearest before a lonely bachelor sipping schnapps at a dinner party? And with such a scoundrel's nose, indeed!

It began like this:

Picture myself, quietly indulging in the cocktail shrimp at my solitary office in the corner of the dining hall. A waltz is being played on the piano, the gentlemen are smoking their pipes, or engaged in a heated game of Durak or Go Fish, and their wives are all in a flock near the hostess. With her frilly red dress, blossoming lips, and enormous pearl earrings, she stands out amongst the ladies, and looks more like a dream consort than the wife of that burly old man, the Governor. A jovial air of chatter and laughter hangs over the party. Beholding the high stacks of pastries and sweets that had just been laid out on the table in the center of the room, I am perfectly content in my own company.

Presently enters our devil in question, who, after surveying the party from the entryway, catches my wandering gaze. At first he acts coy, his shifty eyes darting left to right in a clear mockery of suspicion, but I must have been of peculiar interest to him, for he very quickly begins slithering towards me through the crowd. Judging by the devious grin he now bares across his face - one which looks to suggest an intrigue, or an inside joke - I realize this will not be an encounter I can easily avoid.

"Imagine us!" Was his grand introduction. "Two handsome young gentlemen of the highest standard health and grooming, with the whitest of teeth, and a full head of hair, here alone at a society party with neither of us a date by our side! What's your excuse?"

He sat down promptly across from me, plucked a shrimp from my glass, and popped it into his mouth. He wore a long, elegant swallowtail coat, fine, leather boots, and donned on his bird's nest of curly hair, a black top hat, which he was evidently very proud of by the way he delicately caressed the brim between two spindly fingers. His face was waxy and unusually handsome, but had the disconcerting quality of a mask. I mildly suspected he was not actually on his own here, but it was of no consequence to me.

[Anonymous No.12219099]

>>12219091
2/2

"I'm just here on invitation," I said. (A lie.)

"What's your relation to the Governor?" He asked.

"A distant nephew." (Another lie.)

He leaned back in his chair and scrutinized me closely.

"Ah well, myself... Just out to enjoy the evening. I really know nobody here." With that he gave a wink. "Oh, but look! The snow's already beginning to fall!"

I turned to look out the window across the room, and indeed outside, soft thickets of white snow were falling gently from the darkening sky.

"It's sure to be a wonderful night!" He said. "One might fancy a stroll through the streets if one doesn't find oneself bogged down here with this unruly bunch for too long..."

"A little chilly for me," I said.

He began musing: "If only my dearest Anna were here... Isn't it a sweet thing, our love? If only you knew... On a night like tonight, with such a moon in the sky! She'd start us off the couch with a little tickle under the arm, as she usually does when some whimsical fancy's got ahold of her senses, and, well, you know women!..." And so on.

The more he spoke, the more animated he became. Soon he was gesticulating wildly. Every now and then, his eyes would burst aflame, and he'd shoot me a strange glance, as if to make sure I was listening to every word he was saying, and read by the look on my face the affect his words were having on me. Was I envious? He must have thought. Was I impressed? Had I been swept away by his irresistable charm? I imagined this really mattered to him. The longer I sat in silence, seeding him on with my courteous nods and bashful toasts, his confidence seemed to grow. His tone was haughty and patronizing. He spoke sharply and eloquently, never skipping a beat, or tripping over his own tongue; but the words he spoke were shallow and monotonous, bold and braggadocious, clearly designed to stir with their sizzle, rather than their substance. He went on, and on, and on, and only spoke of his splendid Anna, who by now I was convinced bore some distant relation to the late Cleopatra. I was at once confused, irritated, and at a loss for words. My patience was waning. As I've already mentioned, it took quite a lot of restraint not to simply fling my snack in his face, and walk away. But I couldn't bring myself to say a word against him, shy creature that I am! I must have been red as a beet and sweating profusely.

My eyes fell upon the candle in the center of the table, its pathetic flame working desperately to free itself from the wick. I scoured my mind for a way out. It had even occurred to me (such was my desperation) that perhaps if I simply brought my feet up off the floor and onto the chair I was seated, it would spring into life, as if on cue, and carry me out of the room, like a wise and loyal animal, prancing away on its four wooden legs. But this never happened.

[Anonymous No.12219145]

>>12199552
There were webms of her on /gif/ a few days ago, you might want to have a look there.

[Anonymous No.12219683]

the cloakroom pegs are empty now,
and locked the classroom door,
the hollow desks are dim with dust
and slow across the floor
a sunbeam creeps, until
the sun is seen no more.

[Anonymous No.12219685]

>>12219091
>>12219099
I do like it, but I'm not sure why
Where is this is all going?

[Anonymous No.12219701]

>>12219683
This is nice. I'm tired of vague, rambling stream of consiousness stuff. I like to be transported to a moment like this

[Anonymous No.12219717]

>>12219683
This paints an excellent picture. The rhythm of the language carries it very well, it captures the moment. Its almost like a lullaby. Great work!

[Anonymous No.12220136]

>>12219685
Much appreciated. Our hero and his new acquaintance will proceed to go on a long late night stroll through the town, but it will end with a startling twist.

[Anonymous No.12220522]

[Anonymous No.12220591]

>>12220522
this feels like it needs a lot more development to it. I like the format and pacing but it feels underdeveloped. I'd like to know more about Emma and all that shit.

[Anonymous No.12221455]

https://pastebin.com/s5894M9B

I'm terrible at writing but I wanted to try my hand at writing erotica. It's about a succubus corrupting a young boy (18, go away FBI). Just a short snippet because I'm nervous about my writing being too awful to continue. Are there any glaring mistakes in grammar or just the writing itself?

[Anonymous No.12221460]

>>12220522
Sounds like a Jewish mom asking her son about someone.

“ARCHIE WHATEVA HAPPEND TA EMMA THE ONE WITH THE NOVELS!!?”

[Anonymous No.12221474]

>>12221460
fucking lost my shit

[Anonymous No.12222053]

>>12218159

all those devices you mentioned early only accentuates how cringe this is

[Anonymous No.12222065]

>>12222053
>>12218159


sorry i'm being harsh actually, let me elaborate, mentioning all of those devices and then following t up with a mildly joycean tone in what feels like a very contrived rendition of what you're drawing on feels abrasive to me, not to say that you don't have skill, obviously you must if you wrote this at all and are aware of what you're doing, but, i don't think you succeeded at "making it conventional', it feels antiquated and could have more life in it, sorry about my initial reaction i was just off put by it

[Anonymous No.12222750]

It's a quiet morning. They always are. A cold mist rolled down out of the mountains last night, obscuring anything futher than a hundred yards. The smell of rain held its hand. The lethargy is broken by the squeal and snap of a long hauler grinding to a halt. A man hands the driver a couple bills before falling more than stepping from the cab, hauling a large duffel behind him.
"Take care now," the driver proffers. The man doesn't respond and gently closes the door behind him. The driver shrugs.
A retch of black smog bursts into the air as the truck shambles away. It passes through a puddle; the water rinses some grime from the truck, depositing it onto the slush in the gutter. The man coughs lightly as the diesel fumes disperse. He presses his fingers into his eyes, pinches the bridge of his nose, scratches his cheek, yawning, rolls his neck, picks up the duffel, and walks. The waitress at the diner across the street watches him as she prepares the first pot of coffee of the day. He'll probably be coming in. Showtime. Service with a smile. Start the day right with a nice tip. The man keeps walking.
It's around this time that the sun should be rising, dyeing the passing clouds in all those colors you think of with the word "sunrise". It should be the kind of sight that endows your morning with a touch of life. Like chocolate to go with your morning coffee. Instead, as the man walks, the sky melts slowly from a shitty dark gray to a shittier light gray. No sunlight to burn off the mist today. None of those clichés here.

[Anonymous No.12223171]

>>12208921
If you don't bring up how "free" college is regressive like every non means tested government handout you should kys

[Anonymous No.12223765]

My hops
They wanna see me gone cause of my hops
Shot in the dome cause of my hops
And fallin' on four cause of my hops
My hops
They wanna see me sprained cause of my hops
And sleeping in a grave cause of my hops
And not getting paid 'cause of my hops

[Verse 1]
Ballers know the deal when they see me in the place
Follow up, two hand dunk
Nuts in ya face
See, you was under the goal
Where the big boys play
So now you know
I'm 6'2 with crazy hops
From that two-hand in my video
I'm still gettin props
Like me, I wear a size 10
That's why I'm gettin' bucked time and time again
Boys look like they wanna squabble
When they see me snow-bird
'Cause they know they gonna get a 2 hand reverse!
Or I might just do a self alley...
And hang on the rim until your posse wanna blast me
Yeah, that's how I do
On this hoop court, I'm a fool
And I'm still getting up
To get the whole place crunk

[Hook]
My hops
They wanna see me gone cause of my hops
Shot in the dome cause of my hops
And fallin' on four cause of my hops
My hops
They wanna see me sprained cause of my hops
And sleeping in a grave cause of my hops
And not getting paid 'cause of my hops

[Verse 2]
I'm paid, I gives a fuck about a win
I'm trying to get me a nasty bandit
A loss I dont par—
I leave the court and get freaked by three stars
That's the life of a G
My hoop shorts too long to ever see a knee
White or black t-shirt
That's a bet
And I'm always dry, 'cause real ballers never sweat
Damn, a thug got game
I could've hooped in the pros
But motherfuck a play
And boys know where I be
Marian ballin, is where to find me
Hooping on a Thursday night
Rising to the occasion, and taking type flight
And oh yeah, I got that thang with me
Under the bleachers you'll do a 360

[Hook]
My hops
They wanna see me gone cause of my hops
Shot in the dome cause of my hops
And fallin' on four cause of my hops
My hops
They wanna see me sprained cause of my hops
And sleeping in a grave cause of my hops
And not getting paid 'cause of my hops
My hops
They wanna see me gone cause of my hops
Shot in the dome cause of my hops
And fallin' on four cause of my hops
My hops
They wanna see me sprained cause of my hops
And sleeping in a grave cause of my hops
And not getting paid 'cause of my hops
My hops

[Anonymous No.12224161]

>>12201587
Brutally incisive.

[Anonymous No.12224403]

>>12200093
>le minutiae in minutiae
Too sensitivo por moi.