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/lit/ - Literature

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11681677 No.11681677[DELETED]  [Reply] [Original]

This thread will probably earn me ban but I need to let this out.

>be me
>spent several hours walking / traveling around the city alone this evening
>on the subway back to home around 8pm
>six drunken people get on
>two guys and four girls
>the girls sit down around me
>one sits on my left, another on my right
>two guys stay standing
>one of them says "I feel sorry for..."
>obviously mean me since the girl on my right starts talking past me to her friend
>I sit looking down rubbing my fingers back and forth to calm my nerves
>the two guys sit down
>they all keep joking etc about being drunk so early
>sit tense as hell for about ten minutes
>the drunk girl on my left is quieter than the others
>they tease her and take her photo and I lean back so I'm not in it
>start approaching my stop
>get up to leave
>girl on my left says "Bye, I love you!"
>stand away from them and frown and tense up even more
>train is about to stop
>she says "You're cute! You're cute!"
>get up and frown harder and powerwalk away

This has literally been my reaction all my life. I'm a virgin and never had a girlfriend. I always react to any attention either with feigned indifference or barely concealed hostility.

In 2015 I developed a crush on the prettiest girl I've ever met. She was literally the girl I would have wanted most to appear in my life, and she showed interest in me for a while. I was just too fucked up to do anything but pretend I didn't notice, and dwelled on my faults / deficiences to justify my cowardice and passivity.

On /sp/ last week I posted about my life in a thread and someone said I obviously had deep-rooted anxiety issues and that it has held me back my entire life and that I needed help. I didn't even post very much about myself, but he sensed that from just one post. Added to this I have for about a year or so been dwelling every day on nasty things I've posted online about people back when I was 23 or so, and I now feel unworthy of happiness knowing I may have hurt someone by my autistic and angry outburts online.

What the fuck would you do in my situation?

inb4 kys, because I'm already pushing myself towards this every day

>> No.11681688

>>11681677
Most of us live in the exact same situation you do, so this isn't exactly the place to ask.

>> No.11681699

Get some self-esteem. Read books on it since we are on lit.

>> No.11681706

I have read and feel that I meet the criteria for several personality disorders, all harmless (not a sociopath for example). I also believe I may be "manic depressive" but I feel this applies to most people. Anxiety is obviously a major problem I have to deal with.

All through my teens I became very nervous, tense etc and for some years I struggled to leave the house each summer because I had to keep making sure I didn't look weird, and when I did leave I felt like I was being judged and that I "stood out" in a repulsive way

Also, to mods who will ban me, to make this literary I also wrote a short story which was published online last year. I wrote it in two days in a manic state and it has a bunch of grammatical mistakes, but still was chosen to be published. It is literally the story in first person of an incel with major anxiety issues who obsesses over a girl and admits he's a depressive freak. I am so embarassed by this because it's now the only result when you search my name online, plus has a photo of me that they requested.

I feel I have absolutely fucked up my life and that there's no redemption possible.

>> No.11681707

>>11681688
But this just isn't true. I'm no snowflake or solipsist but the majority of the guys I've met, including the guys in literature etc, have been succesful romantically and have sometimes been confused that I am so weird and tense around others. Some of them have outright teased me for being so nervous and uptight.

>>11681699
Which books?

>> No.11681717

>>11681707
Smoke some weed

>> No.11681731

For example, in college I was in the library one night reading a book alone. I often went there late at night to read and my fondest memories of my three years of study are the nights I spent reading there alone on the top floor of the library. One night someone came and sat next to me with long dark hair. I became so uptight I couldn't even breathe properly or focus on my book. I kept turning the pages but didn't register anything and worried I was turning them too slowly (retarded) or too quickly (pretending to read). Eventually closing time approached and I prepared to leave and turned to my right. The person sitting there was actually a metalhead guy with long hair. I felt so stupid. I thought it was a girl the whole time.

Another time, again in college but in a different library, I was making notes dressed in black jeans and a green plaid shirt. I looked to my right and a girl was sitting two desks away. She looked up at me and smiled, and I could tell she kept looking at me. When I got up to leave she stopped doing whatever and turned to look and smile at me in a really open and vulnerable way, obviously displaying her affection. But I just frowned and powerwalked away. I powerwalked the whole way home (15 minutes or so) and then decided I couldn't let this chance go so I powerwalked all the way back to the campus. I reached the library again and entered and it was fuller than before, and I was so anxious I didn't even look at her desk when I passed just went to another desk and read until the library closed.

This is extremely abnormal and fucked up behaviour.

>> No.11681745

>>11681717
I won't do that. I already smoke around seven cigarettes a day and it does nothing for me, and my main pleasure from smoking them is knowing they are harming me.

>> No.11681751

>>11681677
>This thread will probably earn me ban
Very nice intro.
>six drunken people get on
>two guys and four girls
Oh boy. Will the be an incel story or whining about the state of society?
>I always react to any attention either with feigned indifference
It's a decent tactic actually.
>On /sp/ last week
Are you the slovak hating on Pogba and Mouyes?
>I now feel unworthy of happiness knowing I may have hurt someone by my autistic and angry outburts online.
Basically everyone did at some point. Probably. Was it something extreme?
Generally, let it be in the past and don't do it again. D to the fucking UH. Basically learn from your mistakes, faggot. Seems like you're selfaware enough to do that.
>What the fuck would you do in my situation?
In the greentext story? Fucking nothing. Drunk people you don't know offer not much room for anything, unless you'd be super social and could've joined them.
In your life? Sort out my fucking priorities. Muh girls and muh sexual relationshits shouldn't be anywhere the top 10.

Also at least have the decency to mention a fucking book.

>> No.11681758

>>11681677
You couldn't have just gotten up and left?

>> No.11681764

>>11681707
https://www.amazon.com/Six-Pillars-Self-Esteem-Definitive-Leading/dp/0553374397

Here's a podcast on addiction for your pleasure:
https://www.npr.org/2011/06/23/137348338/compass-of-pleasure-why-some-things-feel-so-good

>> No.11681766

>>11681677
sounds like you should just kill yourself

>> No.11681768

>>11681764
TBHQ books are the worst possible medium for the topic. Self esteem is all about action and not information.

>> No.11681787

>>11681745
Why? You're on /lit/, potentially the most diverse and freethinking board, talking about personality and emotional disorders immediately turning you hostile to a drunk's potential advance, assumedly because you don't want to be the butt of their collective joke. You smoke cigarettes to hurt yourself. What possible good rationale could you have for not trying to use a likely available resource to make you feel even a modicum more socio-sexually functional? Are you against psychopharmaceuticals? What about only using a substance as a temporary resource to create an unburdened mental space to at least approach your psychological problems?

>> No.11681788

>>11681677
Post your pic and I'll tell if you the girls were teasing you or not. This thread will get deleted anyway.

>> No.11681789

>>11681677
>>11681706
This is great. We need more autists rejecting girls posts

>be me
>intro days at university, activities and parties every day before actual school
>one party im shitfaced and dance standing on some sofa close to the dj
>a qt3.14 girl comes up and dances with me
>constantly smiles at me, touches me
>i dont know if its my autism, my present condition or a mix of both, but i completly ignore her
>she probably tried to talk to me aswell, was too drunk to remember
>this goes on for about 5 minutes until i leave her and rejoin my new autist friends
>she still dances on the sofa, watching me from afar, obviously a bit annoyed with a frown on her face
Never saw her again, i wonder what she’s doing right now

>> No.11681790

>>11681751
I am not Slovakian. I don't know what you mean by extreme, but I'd say no it wasn't.

What I mean is that this girl wouldn't have said anything if she was alone and / or sober, but obviously she genuinely thought I was attractive, which means despite my doubts other girls, including my crush (I still think about her a lot), found me attractive. I just feel that I'm too old now to be the weird, autistic, inexperienced guy who can't deal with these kinds of things. I mean what if she said I was cute then found out I wasn't like 22 / 23 years old (which I probably still look at times)? She'd probably think wtf you're *that* old and still have the sheltered, shy mentality of a fifteen-year-old virgin at his first party?

>>11681758
I did leave when the train reached my station (it was only ten minutes). There were no other seats and there were other people standing so I didn't feel the need to give up my seat just to stand among other people. I mean they weren't even talking to me or trying to get me to talk, I just sensed they were looking at me, especially the girl on my left, so I just froze up and rubbed my fingertips together and pretended I wasn't there. The guys noticed how tense I was obviously, and the girl on my left I think was embarassed by how drunk she was because she started acting sober and didn't join in with the loud drunk girl on my right. They took her photo because she seemed tired and wasn't talking much, but then said "Bye I love you!" when I got up. I stood away from them and looked down at the floor angrily, and maybe they noticed that and she felt bad so she said "You're cute! You're cute!" but I just rushed away looking hurt.

>> No.11681792

you sound like me. i'm trying to embrace loneliness and leave humanity behind. i'm gonna lift until i can deadlift 600 pounds then go raid some pedo den with a shotgun and a sword. i'm not even larping this is unironically my life plan

>> No.11681794

>>11681768
yes but there's nothing wrong with some a priori springs so that certain actions can feel more important

>> No.11681796

>>11681706
pastebin it nigga

>> No.11681800

>>11681751
How is any of this not apparent without you making a pseudpost?

>> No.11681801

fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off fuck off
>>>/r9k/

>> No.11681802

>>11681794
>>11681768
plus the first half the guy shits on ayn rand and non-free will and some other stuff, its really not a bad read

>> No.11681807

>>11681787
I wouldn't know how to get weed (a black man I passed earlier said "you smoke?" in a subtle, skillfully indirect way which obviously tried to draw my attention) and the last time I smoked weed many years ago it was a very unpleasant experience.

>>11681788
I don't have any photos of myself except the ones I took with my webcam for the people who chose my story to post online. It looks very autistic and "tryhard" I guess because my webcam is low quality and therefore looks filtered I guess. I am not rugged or conspicuously masculine, and I think most girls who have felt attracted to me have done so in a "cute crush" kind of way, which obviously has a deadline in terms of how long that will apply to me. I looked somewhat feminine throughout my teens and early twenties, despite being able to grow facial hair etc. I imagine when I was 20 / 21 when I let my hair grow long (which I often did because I was too nervous to find a hairdresser in college) some people maybe thought I was trans or an actual female.

>> No.11681810

>>11681677
You just sound like a typical /lit/ poster tbqh. Ignore the occasional humblebragging posts about girlfriends.

>> No.11681815

>>11681807
>I was too nervous to find a hairdresser in college
Same. I remember pacing outside of a barbershop for about twenty minutes before deciding I just couldn't handle it and walked away.

>> No.11681818

>>11681677
https://markmanson.net/best-articles

>> No.11681820

>>11681789
That sounds more confident and assertive than my own behaviour, as I have never rejected someone just have never been prepared to deal with their advances. For example, I almost lost my virginity to one girl after two weeks of dating (long story), and I only subtly rejected her after I had sent her mulitple texts after she became distant with me and also wrote her a hand-written letter to her. After a few months, and after hooking up with her old boyfriend, she began messaging me again wanting to see me, but I had lost interest and was too unstable and embarassed at that point to try and see her again etc.

>> No.11681822

>>11681790
>I don't know what you mean by extreme
Dunno, doxing someone. Encouraging some suicidal guy/gal to end it. Basically stuff that goes beyond wall of text whining about bitches and hoes or calling someone a faggot or whatever counts as basic 4chains discourse.

>but obviously she genuinely thought I was attractive
Everybody and everything is once your mood is good enough. But sure, let's roll with the idea that you look somewhat attractive. It doesn't matter. If you sperg out, you'd have trouble if you were 9/11, while some ugly gremlin with the right attitude will get by just fine.

And you're going to sperg out while wimin are such a big part of your life.

>She'd probably think wtf you're *that* old and still have the sheltered, shy mentality of a fifteen-year-old virgin at his first party?
So what. Who cares.

>>11681800
I just felt like noting what I read. S-sorry?

>>11681815
>not learning how to cut your own hair to the point you do it so good motherfuckers ask you to cut theirs

>> No.11681835

>>11681790

All I care to say is that you are acutely aware of your problems yet cannot bring yourself to do anything about them. It's a death-affirming state.

>> No.11681836

>>11681807
Listen, weed can be very helpful to some individuals in mitigating anxiety. You should give it a few more tries. But that's not the point: why don't you exhaust every possibility to make your life different - not necessarily better - that is available to you? Do you fear risk and consequences?

>> No.11681839

>>11681820
As i said i dont know if it was the autism or alcohol, but if i were to talk with her i would drop all kinds of italian spaghettis on her

>> No.11681843

>>11681796
No it's too embarassing and can be traced back to me. It's just very embarassing. My theory is that I was under such immense mental pressure, and so close to killing myself, that I was just unburdening myself of my feelings and ended up being so honest and unguarded that they perhaps mistook my frenzied cringeworthy story as being a clever, considered piece of literary fiction.

>>11681815
It happened in several situations. At one point I was going to try to apply to one of several leadership posts for a group in college I was intereste in. On my way there I overheard a girl in my class telling her friend that she was applying for the same post, and that her friend and some other people were going to vote for her. I realized literally nobody knew me and that I'd probably get few votes so I just walked home instead. It's not even worthy of pity and empathy, it's just the self-destructive behaviourof a guy with no confidence, no self-esteem and a childish unwillingness to overcome basic human discomforts.

>> No.11681849

>>11681801
cuck

>> No.11681851

>>11681822
Hmm.. Femanon?

>> No.11681853

>>11681851
What makes you think that? :o

>> No.11681855

>>11681822
No, I never doxxed anyone or encouraged suicide.

>>11681835
That's the thing, it's like the better I have become at articulating my problem, and tracing its source, and identifying logical way of overcoming them, the more passive and self-doubting I become. For example, in 2015 when absolutely fell head over heels over the girl who seemed to like me, I actually told myself one day when she came to linger near me (probably hoping I'd talk to her): "Look, you HAVE to look at her, just look at her and smile. If you miss this chance you're fucked." And even though inside I was aching and felt this pressure which needed to be relieved at that moment, another part of me just said "No! Don't look! Keep pretending not to notice!". And as I predicted after that she gradually showed less interest, and in the end I think she just became bored and moved on (understandably).

>> No.11681863

>>11681677
>>11681818
I'm going to recommend this and talking to a psychiatrist about anti-anxiety medication (benzos work really well and if you keep to a low dosage used when needed addiction won't be a real risk)

>> No.11681866

>>11681853
>"gal"
Generally desexualizing yet feminizing term. So something either a woman would call another woman in camaraderie, or an effeminate man would call a woman to desexualize and relate to the subject.

>> No.11681868

>>11681807
ALL A MAN NEEDS IS ONE SINGLE WOMAN TO LOVE AND MAKE HIS WIFE, SURELY YOU WILL FIND ONE OP, IT MAY BE HARD, BUT YOU CAN DO IT, STRIVE TO BE THE PERSON WORTHY OF YOUR DREAM WOMANS DREAMS

>> No.11681871

>>11681836
I refuse to smoke weed, I'm sorry. I tried getting drunk in college to make friend and meet girls, and it almost always ended with me acting and talking in absolutely cringeworthy ways. For example, one time I was at a "club" with some guys I knew via the one guy I hung around with, and I tried "hitting on" a girl because I just wanted to lose my virginity. She seemed absolutely creeped out by me, although my friend probably appealed to her. She wasn't even very attractive to me. The next day I'm sober and my usual tense, uptight-looking self and I'm at a grocery store. I see her and her friend, and they both keep looking at me and trying to hold my gaze, but I pretended not to notice, and I didn't feel attracted to them. Being drunk just isn't normal for me.

>> No.11681876

>>11681868
Hahahaha kys

>> No.11681877

>>11681866
It just a nicer word than "girl", and paints a more specific picture, while girl could be a 10 or a 20 year old.

>> No.11681882

>>11681868
>t. bluepilled zoomer

>> No.11681885

>>11681871
>I tried "hitting on" a girl because I just wanted to lose my virginity.
>She seemed absolutely creeped out by me
Such a shocking turn of events. Though not really the fault of alc.

>> No.11681899

>>11681871
You need more practice with both substances. In moderation. Reactivity and bioavailability take time and multiple occasions to reach a mean physical experience. Same goes with psychopharmaceuticals.

>> No.11681901

>>11681876
>>11681882
Explain?

>> No.11681903

>>11681877
Sounds like a "yes"

>> No.11681910

>>11681822
why are you so hostile? OP hasn't said anything particularly offensive, he's just upset that his aspie behavior negatively impacts his ability to interact with women. and as someone who has also experienced this but gotten through it, you DO have to put effort into developing social skills, so there's nothing unreasonable about his frustration. you aren't helping

>> No.11681912

>>11681868
OP here and I should point out that I am aware that relationships, especially a brief sexual experience, will by no means "solve" anything or serve as the ultimate thing I could achieve. It's just I acknowledge that being loved by someone, and loving them, is a very important way to develop empathy, a more "laid back" approach to life, and to become a more well-rounded person who is intimate with another's problems, insecurities, and is a kind of "test" that proves your selflessness, willingness to be open and unguarded, and allows deep-seated wounds or faults in your character to be gradually healed by someone whose trust and affection you have earned. I realize this may in the eyes of some jaded lotharios here seem akin to placing pussy on a pedestal, but I'm not doing that, nor am I prone to wanting to marry and idolize just any girl who shows me affection. But I feel that I need love in my life. A close family member said the same thing recently, and they are typically adept at pointing things out about me which aren't obvious. For example, I have never missed a day at work, even though I've been very ill at times. I know if someone loved me and was there to calm my anxieties about being fired, and just said "Look, you're too ill, tell you're boss you can't go in today. It's okay!" I would feel less stressed and anxious. But nobody is there, and I allow noone to be there, so I just live my life like this callous, boring automaton who just clings to his pathetic routine.

>> No.11681914

>>11681901
there are no good women worth marrying

>> No.11681916

>>11681876
>>11681882
https://vocaroo.com/i/s1yEZhm7y1WE

>> No.11681920

>>11681901
>"SCREAMS UNHELPFUL PLATITUDES"
Find a new board.

>> No.11681922
File: 36 KB, 613x531, 1529455273795.jpg [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
11681922

>>11681916

>> No.11681925

>>11681871
I'm not suggesting that you get stoned and go out to try and talk to people. That would never work. But a nice introspective high in a comfortable environment might provide you with another view of your behavior, and could lead you towards being less anxious.

>> No.11681926

>>11681912
OP, my point was, dont worry about every woman... there are 100000s of women in the world.... and you only ultimately need 1... that cares about you... yeah maybe you want to date and stuff so ok... you need to worry about what 5 or 10 women think ... out of 10050105

>> No.11681928

>>11681885
I didn't touch her or raise my eyebrows suggestively etc at her, I just tried to dance with her. Another time I was at a "club" and a girl danced near me and the guys I was with. She ended up turning around and kissing me for several seconds, mulitple kisses with my lips moving towards her and then parting, then kissing again, like in a movie or something. But then the lights came on after a song and she looked at me and rushed away in visible disgust. The guys I was with all thought I was some kind of chad, but it wasn't the case at all. One of the guys I was with had several teeth missing, and had notoriously terrible breath, but was so casually confident and carefree that I was told he usually ended up leaving with some girl.

>> No.11681931

>>11681912
you really need to find something that you're passionate about. you aren't going to get far without some kind of internal motivation, you DO ultimately need to live for yourself. productive hobbies like art always stand out to me, but even just being really passionate about anything (non-offensive) is something that shows in your character and improves your self-esteem. those things are pretty vital to being successful with women... as well as making friends.

>> No.11681946

>>11681931
Well I guess you're right, but the thing is I have never really "needed friends", or even a girlfriend most of the time, in the sense that it's not a natural longing or a box I have felt the need to tick. I have thought about hikig the pacific coast trail or something like that since I like the wilderness, but it just seems like a waste of time somehow. Thanks for your post however, and I agree.

>> No.11681985

The problem seems to stem from the fact that I've been "autistically detached" my entire life, without actually being autistic (in the sense of lacking self-awareness, not understanding social cues, etc). I have always been prone to imagining and daydreaming, and pursing fantatical ideals which, when revealed to people, usually leave them confused or suspicious that I am joking. Friendship and inter-personal bonding has never been natural to me, even though I've had friends and was considered the class clown in my youth, but again due to the fact that I was "weird" and said thing that others considered inappropriate or funny in a dry, sarcastic manner. I've always felt like a kid, and still do, observing things in a very pure, straightforward way unobstructed by social norms, expected behaviour, good manners etc. For example, when the girl I briefly "dated" for two weeks several years ago started texting me and kept texting me after an embarassing first date, I told her I didn't understand why she wanted to spend time with me. But I said it not to garner pity, but because I just didn't understand. But she obviously found my honest appealing. I just don't "mature" in ways other people do, moulding my ideals, standards and so on due to my age or external context (earning more money, for example). I just "don't get it" in a lot ways, which is both a good thing in some ways but also very bad in others.

>> No.11681992

>>11681903
Well, refresh your girl, I mean gal radar then.

>>11681910
Where the hell do you see hostility?

>you DO have to put effort into developing social skills
Which is done best when you focus on it, instead of being obsessed by wimin. Pointing out that shit won't work until he starts focusing on himself as a person and not some itching in his balls is just, well stating the obvious and not meant as an attack.

And sure, while frustrations are kinda given, they aren't helping anyone either. At best one could attempt to use them to fuel motivation for change but it's more likely to end up in bitterness.

Basically all I am saying is that wimin are irrelevant for him at this point, and the sooner he realizes that, the sooner he'll be improving. And in his case it'd be pretty sad if he remained stuck in his current mindset while life passes him by because OP is obviously smart and self aware, unlike most of the "no gf"- crowd.

>>11681912
>being loved by someone, and loving them, is a very important way to develop empathy, a more "laid back" approach to life, and to become a more well-rounded person who is intimate with another's problems, insecurities, and is a kind of "test" that proves your selflessness, willingness to be open and unguarded
Carts and horses. You need all the shit mentioned to get into a somewhat functional relationshit.
>and allows deep-seated wounds or faults in your character to be gradually healed by someone whose trust and affection you have earned
Another person could at best give you pointers and help to create an atmosphere for it but the healing is all your doing.
>I know if someone loved me and was there to calm my anxieties about being fired, and just said "Look, you're too ill, tell you're boss you can't go in today. It's okay!"
Delegating this to someone else is a recipe for long term disaster. Like, dude. You already fucking did it. All you need to start believing it. You absolutely don't need another person for this.
>so I just live my life like this callous, boring automaton who just clings to his pathetic routine.
Something you hopefully heard thousand times already but ... what about muh hobbies and passions?

>> No.11682000

>>11681922
https://vocaroo.com/i/s14QlNxDdUzM

>> No.11682003

>>11681946
Why would it feel like a waste of time?
>>11681925
And this isn't me, OP, because I would actually suggest trying just that. Take a small hit or a single or double shot. But those are simple therapeutic suggestions. I agree with the anon on your need for an object of your will. Right now, it appears that object is a feminine ideal with which you simultaneously desire to augment your stunted ego. So it's a vicious cycle: you seek out an impossible ideal to provide you with the strength to seek out the impossible ideal. You need to focus your will on attaining an objective goal - like your hike - that you can egoistically refer to in response to your self-loathing. Such an accomplishment will give you the self-worth to attempt socio-sexual interactions.

>> No.11682020

>>11682003
Thank you for your well-articulated and psychologically astute post.

>> No.11682037

>>11682003
I'm >>11681925, and I'm also the guy who brought up weed in the first place. I guarantee OP would get sucked into his own head and freak out if he was high in public, at least at first

>> No.11682080

>>11682003
>feminine ideal with which you simultaneously desire to augment your stunted ego
couldn't you say that about 90% of the population. isn't that what all guys are after

>> No.11682111

>>11681992
>>11681912
basically it seems like he is experiencing the crest of a wave, a culmination, an extremer than average bout of loneliness, I havent had love for x amount of years, I see love everywhere, everyones happy, I deal with it on a daily basis because I tell myself some day I will have it, but all the sudden right now I cant stand it any more, I want it now i want it now I want it now I want it now I need it now now now now now whew... ok... I feel better.... back to working on reasonably bettering myself to increase my chances of finding love

>> No.11682216

>>11681985
sounds like a case of being me

>> No.11682461

>>11681706
I‘ve read this on here before. I‘d love to read your story but there‘s no way you‘d post a link:(