Nu Critique Thread

[Anonymous No.11235008]

Last his bump limit: post shit, get shit.

[OP No.11235041]

>>11235008
This is the opening to a short story btw, not the whole thing

[Anonymous No.11235199]

I saw when I stopped at the gas station. A fat family of four. One little kid crying, the other stamping the ground, looking for attention. Daddy-Jim wearing a coca cola hat didn't even bother to look them, neither did Mom. The small kid threw his hot dog on the ground and stamped on it, leading to mom finally acknowledging the poor bastard, slapping him silly up and down. Little kid started stamping even harder, yelling some nonsense about a poo car and then giggling. I managed to catch a look of daddy-Jim, who looked back at me. We exchanged a glance and a nod. Then he opened the door, gun in hand and shot the little one. Telling the others calmly to get back in the car, Mom started shrieking so he shot her too. Kid got into the car, all quiet like. Daddy-Jim threw his Coca Cola hat away in the weeds, but an extra strong wind found it, carrying it for a while. They drove off when the Sun started to pour gold everywhere.

[Anonymous No.11235217]

book idea:

super dystopian future scenario, all jobs are automated and everyone is basically a slave except a 2-strata elite of AI maintainers and AI owners (government).

asteroid hits earth, turns out to be some monolithic super computer AI from another dimension.

after a century the lower strata elite finally figure out that they can communicate with it. The thing turns out to be smarter than humans, but needs their collective conscience to get better.

All of the sudden everyone on earth gets a job/religion. 4-5 hours a day everyone jacks into these terminals that beam their consciousness to the super AI.

It gets smarter, starts to replace the 2-strata elite by replacing/maintaining the worlds automation.

then idk what else but thats my super basic idea

[Anonymous No.11235239]

Unironic thoughts on this? Not mine btw, it's Gucci Gang put through every language of Google translate

Country names
The lazy man Toneon, light,
The loaves of bread and bread fell
Previously
Coca-Cola company
Advertising

Purchases
The loaves of bread and bread fell
The lazy man Toneon, light,
The loaves of bread and bread fell
Previously
Coca-Cola company
Do you know?
Otherwise
Samsung
The loaves of bread and bread fell
All around the world
It's good for you
Big Smoke
That's what
Asbestos
What?
Thank you.
That's what
It's time
Return
Asbestos
Previously
So far
Welcome
Check out treatment
That's what
The lazy man Toneon, light,
The loaves of bread and bread fell
Previously
Coca-Cola company
Advertising

Purchases
The loaves of bread and bread fell
The lazy man Toneon, light,
The loaves of bread and bread fell
Previously
Coca-Cola company
In New York
Otherwise
Samsung
The loaves of bread and bread fell
Coach, LLL, is a collection

[Anonymous No.11235971]

https://pastebin.com/cYzvE2LS
Beginning of my story.

[Anonymous No.11236286]

https://drive.google.com/file/d/1JEP-rssa4VWxp4WGol2ypGaP4YaE8vST/view?usp=sharing

sharing link cause it's a long text

[Anonymous No.11236301]

>>11235971
A bit convoluted, and there's some grammatical errors as well.
As far as the story goes, I don't really understand it, just seems like an essay on the aerodynamics of cycling

[Anonymous No.11236315]

>>11235199
Either I'm missing something or this is just pointless. I'm leaning towards the latter.

[Anonymous No.11236316]

>>11236286
Without being too rude, I presume English is not your first language.
You clearly speak it fluently, but the whole thing seems a bit disjointed, as well as there being a few technical mistakes.
It's an interesting exercise, but I'd recommend writing in your native language depending on how serious you are about it.

[Anonymous No.11236328]

>>11235008
that's cool

[Anonymous No.11236343]

>>11236316
Well, it has become a sort of native tongue at this point. I know sometimes my grammar and some technical aspects of my writing aren't correct but that's honestly just how I like to write. I'll try to fix the flaws though and I appreciate you not being an ass about it.

[Anonymous No.11236361]

First Vorontsov had the privates flayed as they insisted to retain their innocence. Corporal Andreich was particularly affected by the scene.
-It’s only skin.
He said, but it had seemed as if more than anyone he was speaking to himself. Vorontsov then had a band of suspected Turks, around 30 in all, chained and lined-up against a pine embattlement in the north of the camp. He brought prisoner 356 alone so that all could see the events that were to subsequently unfold.

Before imprisonment 356 was a muscular and radiant man of high-rank; it was clear he had been a leader to the other prisoners. Now he stood before them, broken and malnourished after months of imprisonment - his eyes unfeeling as the ice. Vorontsov kicked 356’s thigh so that the prisoner fell to his knees.
-Remember, my good men
Vorontsov said as he looked to all who surrounded him, holding the now shaking prisoner by his hair.
-Have no pity for Turks at war.
His voice echoed throughout the immense tomb of the tundra. The general revealed a knife which shone in the morning sun and proceeded to cut the prisoner’s throat with it. He raised the bloodied knife into the air, several cheers arose from the surrounding guards. My heart leapt with excitement. Blood would soak the snow on that day.

After some time in effort beheading 356, the general fixed the head atop a bayoneted musket and paraded it in front of the line of horrified Turks. One of the prisoners had gotten sick and a few others were crying. Vorontsov let vile words to the wind. We formed an opposing line and the general ordered us to raise our guns. I lifted my gun to aim across to a Turk who’s eyes brimmed with fear; the story of the tundra was told in those dark eyes.
-Have no pity for Turks at war
I echoed into the snow.

[Anonymous No.11236403]

>>11236361
I really like it.

[Anonymous No.11236500]

Sucked forever up to the barricade
To stand arm-in-am with romantics who
Always must die up there, or I’m afraid,
Truly, to see what those heroes would do.

Enjolras calls me, but I cannot go.
For what would I watch him become up there?
Fine visions crumble and blood starts to flow,
And it’s all in the name of Voltaire.

[Anonymous No.11236533]

>>11236403
I'm glad! That excerpt is the ending, which I'm pretty happy with, but I'm still working on the rest. I appreciate it.

[Anonymous No.11236951]

>>11235217
All these stories about AI and automation are cute but these things are just a fad that we'll look back upon in embarrassment thirty years from now. Try writing something more original.

[Anonymous No.11236957]

>>11236951
>but these things are just a fad

[Anonymous No.11236974]

His eyes weren’t completely open yet and as he stood outside the gate between the two bright yellow buses, he felt the overwhelming urge to collapse then and there.

People streamed in. They come in all shapes and sizes, people do, he wondered to himself. He could picture the advertisement.

An emotional hook, something about maternal love and treasuring moments and an offhand remark about the wide range of products available followed by a rapid series of sentences full of important Terms and Conditions that no one could understand even if they wanted to.

“What a wonderful modern spin on slavery” he thought to himself.

Only, he hadn’t. He had, immersed in eclectic thought, said it out loud in the school lobby where he was as surprised to find himself as those around him were at what seemed to them a disheveled boy muttering about slavery to himself with a rather large grin on his face.

[Anonymous No.11237011]

Recuperating

I’ve turned out every dour thought
And traded every feeling for a moving picture
I’ve changed my bedsheets twice a month
I’ve eaten every nook and cooked none.
I’ve had my share of shut eye
I hit the hay ‘till it bruised and throbbed
And we bled into each other’s skin
So I’ve worn it’s stain in lieu of a lover’s.
I’ve been tired in every other place,
And driven aimlessly as a sleepwalker
And after squeezing out every tear
I’m left huddled, dreaming here,
Recuperating until the right sun rises
Or lured away by a stronger siren.

[Anonymous No.11237021]

>>11236286
You have potential anon, and this was actually fairly gripping. Here are my critiques though:

1- your writing has that YA quality to it; characters feel the need to explain everything around them for the benefit of the reader and are quick to confide their thoughts to the people they meet.
2- I'm not sure it's right to say "leader of the castle."
3- that guy didn't have to tell Dimitri that the townspeople were poor because they were lazy. Nobles assumed by default that the common people were little better than animals.
4- peasants had always lived in poverty, so it doesn't make sense to say that someone plunged them into it. Just say that the peasants celebrated when he died. Most rulers don't have it in them to admit that they're hated by their people. It also doesn't make sense to say that many or some of the peasants did this or that. Peasant living in one town usually had one hive mind and agreed unanimously on things.
5- the lady should've introduced herself by name at first.

Just do more research on the era you're writing in and give your characters more depth.

[Anonymous No.11237036]

Dawn closes in without mercy, and my boy is here
I'll be the one to damn us both if pride is a sin
Flying on wings of faith, dying on wings of fear
No more leashes, cut the cord, no more reeling him in

Shooting star of my own flesh and blood
A comet on wings of pride
Failure flying, falling from the sky
But look at that boy try

[Anonymous No.11237106]

>>11236361
Pretty good.

[Anonymous No.11237442]

I am twenty-one years old and
like a majestic ibis
has dropped
a pomegranate into the
crown of
my head
(as if into
an offering basket)

A monk has descended
into my unconscious
to silently guide me
towards meadows of
pecan air and
perennial sunlight.

And yet, when teenaged,
I would boldly plunge through
razor clad shrubs with
hopes to
find some
bored white girl's lips, or
a proof to myself
that
I was right in a
situation where
I was hopelessly wrong.

Yes. To have a
Confident Direction is
certainly a perk of
getting older.

Though it is complimented
by the rising potentiality
of financial destitution
and many imposing defeats
that had once only sneered
from outside of university walls.

[Anonymous No.11237559]

>>11235008
I'm here to buy the talk!
All of it,
In fact, more than it could suggest.
Convince me
all, opine upon a moment
and I'll parse the goods.

Does it matter that we were there?
pah-
matters are matters, matters fact!
The fact of my mattering has meaning beyond me, I must release!
"You dogs! Hear me!"
It's all hearsay!
That's right,
he's a cunt, and
she's a cunt and me?
A specially flayed cunt!
Are you in my order or not?
The world's a crockpot, I'm a stove top."
"You're a Dog."
"Piss off - right - fuckface, righteousness serves minced words!"

Then off he barks to the whorehouse

hollering down his mega kennel.

But what about the man that guards, genteel, he muses on the scene:

"If I could take the middle ground, there is a logic game in play, you see, simply, the men on either side are too brash to see reason, I, however, purged emotions on the entrance, and would see it fit you do the same, have the lame no ear for my trademark calm?"

I can't say I'm not convinced, but strides the apt acquainted man.

"You're all morons! Have you not studied well under the fact? Have you?! Have you?! Well I've assimilated theory,
"it dictates."
"It states that -"
"Insofar as"
"I doubt that."

"Wait..that's not right..."
"H-hey, excuse me?! Can we please kill those intuitions!"

Off he goes, barking off his tuition, what a chore to listen to.
But I'm convinced! That's right I'm sold!
You've bargain bought my thoughts, I'm mold and open minded now. I think. I think I think.

[Anonymous No.11237565]

>>11235008
I'm here to buy the talk!
All of it,
In fact, more than it could suggest.
Convince me
all, opine upon a moment
and I'll parse the goods.

Does it matter that we were there?
pah-
matters are matters, matters fact!
The fact of my mattering has meaning beyond me, I must release!
"You dogs! Hear me!"
It's all hearsay!
That's right,
he's a cunt, and
she's a cunt and me?
A specially flayed cunt!
Are you in my order or not?
The world's a crockpot, I'm a stove top."
"You're a Dog."
"Piss off - right - fuckface, righteousness serves minced words!"

Then off he barks to the whorehouse

hollering down his mega kennel.

But what about the man that guards, genteel, he muses on the scene:

"If I could take the middle ground, there is a logic game in play, you see, simply, the men on either side are too brash to see reason, I, however, purged emotions on the entrance, and would see it fit you do the same, have the lame no ear for my trademark calm?"

I can't say I'm not convinced, but in strides apt acquainted man.

"You're all morons! Have you not studied well under the fact? Have you?! Have you?! Well I've assimilated theory,
"it dictates."
"It states that -"
"Insofar as"
"I doubt that."

"Wait..that's not right..."
"H-hey, excuse me?! Can we please kill those intuitions!"

Off he goes, barking off his tuition, what a chore to listen to.
But I'm convinced! That's right I'm sold!
You've bargain bought my thoughts, I'm mold and open minded now. I think. I think I think.

[Anonymous No.11237572]

A girl so passionate and full of care,
Thy voice rings true even when it's not there,
So soft like opening a key lock.
Or silence, like snow from above
Thus bringing me to higher safe loft
Thus bringing me closer to your love

[Anonymous No.11237573]

>>11235008
I'm here to buy the talk!
All of it,
In fact, more than it could suggest.
Convince me
all, opine upon a moment
and I'll parse the goods.

Does it matter that we were there?
pah-
matters are matters, matters fact!
The fact of my mattering has meaning beyond me, I must release!
"You dogs! Hear me!"
It's all hearsay!
That's right,
he's a cunt, and
she's a cunt and me?
A specially flayed cunt!
Are you in my order or not?
The world's a crockpot, I'm a stove top."
"You're a Dog."
"Piss off - right - fuckface, righteousness serves minced words!"

Then off he barks to the whorehouse

hollering down his mega kennel.

But what about the man that guards, genteel, he muses on the scene:

"If I could take the middle ground, there is a logic game in play, you see, simply, the men on either side are too brash to see reason, I, however, purged emotions on the entrance, and would see it fit you do the same, have the lame no ear for my trademark calm?"

I can't say I'm not convinced, but in strides apt acquainted man.

"You're all morons! Have you not studied well under the fact? Have you?! Have you?! Well I've assimilated theory,
"it dictates."
"It states that -"
"Insofar as"
"I doubt that."

"Wait..that's not right..."
"H-hey, excuse me?! Can we please kill those intuitions!"

Off he goes, barking off his tuition, what a chore to listen to.
But I'm convinced! That's right I'm sold!
You've bargain bought my thoughts, I'm mold and open minded now. I think I think I think I think.

[Anonymous No.11237685]

http://docdro.id/HSEDpm6

total has 37~ pages but I am doing some major restructuring for the later pages. can show more if there is interest

[Anonymous No.11237800]

The hog sang a familiar song as he unleashed it's full fury on the crowd of autists in front of him.

[Anonymous No.11237869]

>>11237685
forgot to say what it is - part of a book im writing with some other people to critique formal schooling

[sneed No.11237896]

>>11237685
>http://docdro.id/HSEDpm6
>we live in a society
dropped after the first sentence

[Anonymous No.11237898]

>>11237896
>http://docdro.id/HSEDpm6
not native :( glad you pointed that out
will fix

[Anonymous No.11237909]

>>11237685
>http://docdro.id/HSEDpm6
spend less time trying to explain how the world works as if you're explaining it to a somalian pirate. Strictly outline your ideas and then reason them. If you can't reason them beyond just listing your opinions, congratulations, you're a moron.

[Anonymous No.11237928]

>>11237909
im struggling with finding the balance between formality and accessibility because most beta readers have told me that its too dry for their tastes becuase they arent used to reading english

[Anonymous No.11237930]

>>11237928
keep it up, write in your native language first then get someone to translate it for you

[Anonymous No.11238090]

I've only been writing for a few days. So criticism appreciated.


"Whatcha got there, boy?", he growled.

"A l-l-laptop", the tard stuttered, staring at the table, too afraid to meet the cowboy's gaze.

"Never heard of it. That some kinda fancy machine?"

"y-y-y-yes, s-s-s-sir."

"You got some kinda problem talkin?", he questioned angrily.

"y-y-y-y...", the tard began stuttering uncontrollably, A small damp patch forming on the front of it's pants.

"Well if you ain't the sorriest specimen I've ever laid eyes on", he said disgustedly. "You got a job, boy?"

"I-I-I-I P-P-Post on l-l-lit", it finally managed.

[Anonymous No.11238141]

>>11236286
very good. But "humongous"? "They have heard God's voice"? There's also some glaring grammatical errors. Go back through and fix the stuff that sounds dumb, and this could be pretty solid

[Anonymous No.11238161]

https://pastebin.com/YMnBm1w7

I'm a Shona writer but realized the audience for Shona novels are students so I'm trying to practice my english. How is my prose. This is a short story only like 600 words.

Thanks all the love from Africa

[Anonymous No.11238348]

Tear me a new asshole.


He never thought anything could be this quiet. When he'd set out, there'd been all the usual sounds of the forest at night. The hooting of owls, the chittering of insects, the occasional rustling of some unseen animal. At some point, these had stopped entirely. All that remained were the sounds he himself created. Leaves crunching under his boots, the sound of his heart pounding in his chest, his carefully controlled breathing. If he were a superstitious man, he'd have sworn it was unnatural.

[Anonymous No.11238936]

>>11238348
Punctuation could use a lot of work.
>When he'd set out, there'd been all the usual sounds of the forest at night
I personally would substitute the period for a colon, but the comma has to go.
>At some point, these had stopped entirely.
Another useless comma. You could substitute this period for a comma and then start the following list with a colon. The structure is really same-y between these two parts.
> When he'd set out, there'd been all the usual sounds of the forest at night. The hooting of owls, the chittering of insects, the occasional rustling of some unseen animal.
>At some point, these had stopped entirely. All that remained were the sounds he himself created. Leaves crunching under his boots, the sound of his heart pounding in his chest, his carefully controlled breathing.
It is good to vary structurally. At the moment the punctuation is more distracting than the structure, but one is fixed the other will be brought to front. It's not terrible though, just needs some reworking.

[Anonymous No.11239290]

In days of love and snow
When in years passed, I’ve seen it grow
Around me; every warm body coming
Head to heart and heart to soul.
Even as a child on swing or slide
Or architect of February sleet,
A girl with frozen gloves and a
Burning mess of fears and musings
And now a living, breathing thing
Yet still without a clear voice ringing
But a deafening band of eyes, ears, minds
All singing.
In days of love and snow,
No telepathic groundhog can predict
But any early sun can thaw out
Frostbitten doubts from years ago.

[Anonymous No.11239301]

It was a reasonably cold morning on the 2nd of May when Sammy Newman’s parents called him inside for a talk. He had just lit a cigarette behind the pigpen-- well out of range of his grandmother’s scouring eyes, which regularly monitored him from the attic of the farmhouse—but before he had the chance to toke it, he heard his father’s half-angry, half-distressed voice call out, ‘Sammy! Here, lad.’
At this point he had no premonition as to what was about to occur. After all, his family regularly called him inside to scold him for his smoking habits (they were strongly against it); or shout at him for incorrectly tending to the animals. He dabbed out his cigarette on a rusty steel barrel, placed it in his pocket and gradually tottered inside.
Sammy was rather taken aback by what he saw. All around the dinner table his family were sat with solemn, perplexed faces as if they were pondering a riddle. Even grandmother had managed to come out of her recluse in the attic, something rarely seen since two Christmases ago. ‘What is it,’ Sammy said, ‘cat die or something?’ He bit into an apple that was sitting on the counter.
‘No,’ said father, seeming rather unamused. ‘Sammy, me and your mother—well, we’ve been talking. A lot.’ He paused.


Critique pls

[Anonymous No.11239325]

>>11236951
this

[Anonymous No.11239345]

No, I literally think Lupe is here illegally,” Rebecca remarked. She looked down at her phone. Suddenly, a huge smile crawled on to her face, “Oh, how interesting.”
“What?” Greg asked, not taking his eyes off Lupe. His fists clenched into tight balls on his lap to a point where his nails started to break the skin on his palms.
“The president just issued an executive order. Anyone who comes to the authorities with enough data to present someone is an illegal immigrant will get a cash reward of $30,000.”
No one dared to look at each other. The sound of the large sum of money snaked around the room, tickling at their ears and wrapping around their ankles.
Ricky shook out of it first, “You guys can’t possibly be thinking what I think you’re thinking.”
“$30,000 is a lot of money,” Rebecca asserted.
“We all know you’re set for life from your dad’s trust fund, ice princess.”
“A girl could always use more money. Isn’t that right, Ava? Well, in your case, you really do need that money.”
Ava stared at the ground. A thousand thoughts were going through her head. Lupe’s her classmate. Not even just that, she’s her friend. They’ve gotten close being in this class together. She couldn’t possibly do that to her. Yet, she lied to her classmates about her family being ok for a couple of more months. If her parents couldn’t get the landlord their rent by next week, they would be evicted from their home. She’s noticed that her mom’s been eating less and less while urging her and her sisters to eat. Her mom kept telling her that she ate earlier, but she knew that’s not true.
“I want in,” Greg declared.
Everyone stared at him.
Rebecca smiled, “Excellent.”
Lupe looked at him with tears welling up in her eyes, “You know me. How could you do this?”
Shaking with fury, Greg stood up, kicking his chair back, “Your people killed my parents! They would still be here today if Mexicans could never enter this country. It’s time to send them back to where they belong.”

[Anonymous No.11239354]

[Anonymous No.11239788]

critique some shit you pseuds

[Anonymous No.11239839]

>>11239301
The first sentence puts me off. Absolutely formulaic. You linger on the description of the cigarette conflict, yet Sammy puts a burnt out cigarette in his pocket as he goes to see his parents. It would surely stink, this doesn't seem like something a person paranoid about smoking-related conflicts would do. "Taken aback" is perhaps too strong a phrase, think about what it literally means, I'm imagining him jumping backward in shock when he sees his family sitting at the table. A recluse is not a cloister, i.e. a place of seclusion, a recluse is a person who isolates themselves. Say something like "the old recluse had managed to descend from the attic." You tip your hand when you say "said father" rather than "said his father," if this is supposed to be in any way autobiographical. But regardless of whether or not it is this phrase works against the earlier style of third person narration. Cut out redundant things like "seeming rather unamused," we know his family is "solemn" already, the added description of his father's style of speech adds nothing that we didn't already know.

This is an early effort, yes?

[Anonymous No.11239860]

>>11239354
Rupi Kaur steals Nick Land's semen with a nocturnally introduced vibrator and chloroform. She self-fertilizes. Nick isn't peeved (industrial fertilization is the will of Gnon), just a little sore.

[Anonymous No.11239885]

>>11239301
How do you light a cigarette without "toking" it, toking being a weird word choice and combined with "dabbed" made it seem like you were going for some kind of subtle joke or reference to weed. Connotation must also be taken into account when choosing words.
>(they were strongly against it)
weird and redundant, less is often more.

I don't know if this was the intention but there's a sort of cheeky tone. Im interested to see what happens, but it feels like i'm being winded up towards some sort of shitpost punchline

[Anonymous No.11239895]

>>11239354
were you "that acid guy" in highschool?

[Anonymous No.11239906]

>>11237011

This is alright. It reeds as if it has a consistent meter although it doesn't. I think it'd flow better in an iambic meter personally. Also "and we bled into each other's skin" feels weirdly cliche. Not in the sense that it's been said before, but images like that are quite common and you don't seem to be doing anything to build on it. Who isn't bleeding into something these days.

>>11237036

I like the sentiment but I don't know if you're doing this dramatic heavy tone justice with the language you're using. Write what you want of course, but I'd encourage you to use lower register language and practice that before trying to jump to high register with a clear lack of skill necessary to do it justice. There's potential, of course. I particularly like "Dawn closes in without mercy". What poetry to you read?

>>11239290

Get rid of "no telepathic groundhog can predict" it doesn't suit the language of the rest of the poem. Otherwise it's pretty decent.

>>11236500

This feels weirdly like a LARP as some early 20th century modernist. What's the context? Why did you write this? It's not very inviting to the contemporary reader. The language you use isn't good enough to get away with writing on something that most people wont feel engaged by thematically. I mean, you can say you're just writing for yourself but I wouldn't believe you. Use your talent to create something more of the time.

>>11239788

This.

>>11238090

Funny guy.

>>11237442

This one is mine. Now that you fucks have gotten your (you)'s I expect you to return the favor.

[Anonymous No.11239929]

And yet, when teenaged, I would boldly plunge through razor clad shrubs with hopes to find some bored white girl's lips, or a proof to myself that I was right in a situation where I was hopelessly wrong.
Yes. To have a Confident Direction is certainly a perk of getting older. Though it is complimented by the rising potentiality of financial destitution and many imposing defeats that had once only sneered from outside of university walls.

Jesus anon

[Anonymous No.11239935]

>>11239929

Critique it. Tell me why you don't like it. "Jesus anon" isn't gonna make me any less shit.

[Anonymous No.11239938]

>>11237442
>>11239906
Parens are not really necessary in the first stanza, that phrase is directly germane. I can't see why you capitalized "Confident Direction," nor can I see why the lines are broken as they are. But I'm an amateur who writes in meter, perhaps you can explain this to me.

[Anonymous No.11239953]

>>11239935
When your "poem" is IMPROVED by removing the line breaks then maybe it should be prose.

[Anonymous No.11239955]

>>11239839
Thanks for the in-depth criticism. I'll definitely apply it.

Him not throwing away the cigarette represents his carelessness and childishness and it's important later on in the story where he kills a girl who offers him a cig. Cigarettes in this story are meant to represent friendship or socialising.

Yeah, I literally just wrote it up before I posted it here.

>>11239885
I meant to say he didn't take a puff of it. How do I re-word that?

[Anonymous No.11239963]

>>11239953
and not just improved a little, I actually quite like it as prose. Its a fucking horrid poem.

[Anonymous No.11239964]

>>11239938

I usually write in meter too. Writing in free verse stresses me out because I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. They're broken up that way because I like the rhythm it creates. My inspiration for it is William Carlos Williams, Etheridge Knight, Frank O'Hara, Gwendolyn Brooks. I feel that it creates a type of music but I'm interested in if you feel that it doesn't. "Confident Direction" was capitalized because it's important to me. Thanks for the thing about the parentheses.

[Anonymous No.11239978]

>>11239963

That's fair. A lot of the poetry I read can be easily recreated as prose but I personally prefer the poetic structure because of the music that the line breaks create. See

>>11239964

For example.

[Anonymous No.11240018]

>>11239955
>"before he had the chance to inhale"
Don't overthink minute details, it is not a phrase that is meant to have significance so its good to leave it simple. Of course that's not a rule as you can always go for a more flowery description, but when starting out leave flowery writing for significant phrases.
>"before he had the chance to invite smoke to lung's depths"
there's a million ways to phrase something simple such as this, but I personally would opt for the simple phrasing.

[Anonymous No.11240032]

>>11239978
what rhythm? the poetic structure you had there was a chore to read, it was choppy and was an aesthetic failure. It detracts from what you're saying instead of reinforcing or adding depth to it. And that's not to say you're a bad writer, just that I didn't even know that I liked it until I removed those awful janky spaces. And Im not a hater of free verse or prose poetry.

[Anonymous No.11240055]

>>11238161
DFW advised to attempt to avoid "of's," I think this is sound advice. Sometimes an "of" is a good thing, it adds rhythm to a line, but compare your first sentence with something like, "The sun shone through branch crevasses and leaves." The image you're going for is brought readily to the mind, no slogging through prepositions and articles. The second sentence is one of the worst, though it's not so bad as other things I've seen, especially from non-native English speakers. The "and" at the beginning is strange, it feels disjointed, like the second sentence wanted to be part of the first but wasn't allowed. You do this thing where you repeat a word you used immediately, in this case "gently". You do this in a few sentences. In this particular case using the word "gently" to describe the winds doesn't even make sense. Two sentences later you say, "the winter winds, strong and unrelenting as they were," as if you had already established the strength of the winds, when the opposite is true. The second comma in the second sentence is grammatically incorrect. There are other errors throughout, but grammar isn't as hard to learn as how to achieve style in a language, I see no reason to go through and list them.

On the other hand, your story is engaging, short as it is. The subject is common but you write with honesty. Even if you happen to be writing from a common perspective on a common subject, the kernel of your style, honesty, makes this worth reading. Keep it up.

[Anonymous No.11240115]

>>11237442
It starts out nice, then progresses to stale neuroses, to end with a gentle (but overwritten) aside. Not too ken on 'rising potentiality' or 'financial destitution' these lines feel too at odds with the colorful language previous ('when teenaged' not so great imo), and not in a novel way, it just feels jarring to me. Apart from that I liked your rhythm and you paint vivid scenes.
>>11237011
I agree with the comment about 'bleed into each other' feeling redundant somehow, but I like the shape of the thing, and just love the image of the 'siren' but that's a personal preference.
>>11239354
>fizzle forth
I just, I can't see this being read out loud without a high hatted tone, the rest of the poem seems to balance the cyptic and 'stated' quite well but
>abject abeyance
There's no way most folk know what that means.
>>11239290
Really nice. Like the other poster said, get rid of 'telepathic groundhog' use that for another poem!

Posting:

I've been born already
for posterity I'll cum
and come again
from that great
gifting plague:
poised, faced and
still the same.


One ego can't bear it
so in birth we spread the load
through generations or a frill
I'll be there.


You'll be there too.


Who knows perhaps I'm here already,
graves ago I was a killer with my all exclusive smile and
self-patented high strung vox.


Of course it's not all metaphysics
there's a bell boy in afghan
whose sodden scowl I'd claim my own
yet off he goes, unknowing.

Or here in cloud wrecked British towns
A half adult more saccharine
and waxed from finer oils
yet voiced the same is
fucking oh so hard.

Ah pity pleads to nowhere,
nor would plagues
be more gentle
in craft or whole obscurities
for every you there'll be a me.

Perhaps this is a little sad
or so assured somehow sublime:
eternity fills its petri
yet I can only ever be.

[Anonymous No.11240137]

>>11237442
It starts out nice, then progresses to reflection, to end with a gentle (but overwritten) aside. Not too ken on 'rising potentiality' or 'financial destitution' these lines feel too at odds with the colorful language previous ('when teenaged' not so great imo), and not in a novel way, it just feels jarring to me. Apart from that I liked your rhythm and you paint vivid scenes.
>>11237011
I agree with the comment about 'bleed into each other' feeling redundant somehow, but I like the shape of the thing, and just love the image of the 'siren' but that's a personal preference.
>>11239354
>fizzle forth
I just, I can't see this being read out loud without a high hatted tone, the rest of the poem seems to balance the cyptic and 'stated' quite well but
>abject abeyance
There's no way most folk know what that means.
>>11239290
Really nice. Like the other poster said, get rid of 'telepathic groundhog' use that for another poem!

Posting:

I've been born already
for posterity I'll cum
and come again
from that great
gifting plague:
poised, faced and
still the same.


One ego can't bear it,
so in birth we spread the load
through generations or a frill
I'll be there.


You'll be there too.


Who knows perhaps I'm here already,
graves ago I was a killer with my all exclusive smile and
self-patented high strung vox.


Of course it's not all metaphysics:
there's a bell boy in afghan
whose sodden scowl I'd claim my own
yet off he goes, unknowing.

Or here in cloud wrecked British towns,
a half adult more saccharine
and waxed from finer oils,
yet voiced the same, is
fucking oh so hard.

Ah pity pleads to nowhere,
nor would plagues
be more gentle
in craft or whole obscurities
for every you there'll be a me.

Perhaps this is a little sad
or so assured somehow sublime:
eternity fills its petri
yet I can only ever be.

[Anonymous No.11240171]

pasting the link because it's too long to post here

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1GExirWak_sycdANLvfPGTVNfnX62JPvQqEzFhZfIyFQ/edit?usp=sharing

[Anonymous No.11240325]

>>11235199
Not enough differentiation between the children. Are there two "little" kids or just one? There really isn't much here as far as content, and I don't like the last line, personally.

>>11236361
Really enjoyed this. I might change it to "Blood soaked the snow on that day." since it feels like it's already been happening.

[Anonymous No.11240709]

>>11240325
>I might change it to "Blood soaked the snow on that day." since it feels like it's already been happening.
Very true, however I was trying to allude to that being only the beginning. The snow was not quite soaked (yet). Thank you for the critique

[Anonymous No.11240797]

>>11235199
I like this but for some reason I feel i shouldn't.
>>11235217
Hard said, ideas done different methods yields new result. Interesting.
>>11235239
Dig
>>11236361
Water. Very nice. Main violence. Don't easy to say. Very good.
>>11236500
Poems here at in this. Judge of nothing, to say here. Only of necessity, though. It ain't here in me, though what else. Don't know. That's the one. You know.

Sorry for reviewing not the many sorry,

At the in to the there. He most was not, as claimed. Or so it seemed, some asked. Truth, he at the time of the then, yes indeed did.

He had been called. Called now, that is, not then. Called, and was, or wasn't, in the that of there.

The those of they said nothing. Nothing involved much abuse. Physical? No! They, any, were nothing of the sort. They most certainly did not. Except the he. He, at a time, did. And was, too. At that time, at least. The then, so to speak.

If they could speak. But they did not. Never had, and never will. And he was not to. They showed, or didn't rather, that he did. They did not. He did.

[Anonymous No.11240848]

>>11240797
Imagine an eyes-far-apart downy writing this post out kek

[Anonymous No.11240855]

>>11240797

THIS.

[Anonymous No.11240891]

>>11235008
Gonna repost the same poem
>>11240137
with voice and music to see if the tone comes out better (I recommend everyone use naturalreaders on their poems!) :
https://clyp.it/2ghv21h1

[Anonymous No.11241013]

The chessmen are as rigid on their chessboard
as those life-sized terra-cotta warriors whose vows
to their emperor with bridle, shield and sword
were sworn by a chorus that has lost its voice;
no echo in that astonishing excavation.
Each soldier gave an oath, each gave his word
to die for his emperor, his clan, his nation,
to become a chess piece, breathlessly erect
in shade or crossing sunlight, without hours—
from clay to clay and odorlessly strict.
If vows were visible they might see ours
as changeless chessmen in the changing light
on the lawn outside where bannered breakers toss
and the palms gust with music that is time’s
above the chessmen’s silence. Motion brings loss.
A sable blackbird twitters in the limes.

[Anonymous No.11241255]

I've been working on this for three weeks and have completely lost all sense of how good it is. This is a very new kind of writing for me. I'm excited to see what other people think of it!
https://drive.google.com/file/d/19AqE4Q4ufp5sSsygXUE1cePFXLGFgtA5/view?usp=sharing

Any thoughts at all are appreciated. Feedback for other anons incoming in another post

[Anonymous No.11241352]

>>11241013
Really nice, really good to see someone till writing this kind of poetry. Your prosody managed to give me ASMR. My only suggestion would be to work on the actual overarching sentence structures, they kind of range from overly simplistic to contrived at some points
>>11240171
I'm just three pages in but your writing style is sticking out. You've got some really nice turns of phrase here and there so there's definitely potential in you, but you need to really hone your focus and prose in until you have the basics down to a tee and have developed your own style. Just keep it simple, man. There's no race to prove to your reader that you have some complex prose chops

[Anonymous No.11241390]

>>11235008
This dialog is oof, dude
Sounds like a college junior who thinks they "get" uncanny comedy
Remove some of the ironic distance and get more genuine

[Anonymous No.11241427]

>>11239906
"Funny guy" is not critique. How's my writing?

[Anonymous No.11241439]

>>11241390
You're absolutely right anon, it's too arch and self conscious, will work on.

[Anonymous No.11241441]

>>11241439
You handle criticism very well and I admire that, my friend
Godspeed

[Anonymous No.11241518]

>tfw no critique

[Anonymous No.11241532]

>>11241352
Thank you for the critique! I really have worked a lot on this story, but I feel like maybe I haven't written/practiced enough over all. I will review and think about how I can keep it simpler.

[Anonymous No.11241616]

>>11241518
which one is yours? If it's poetry, I'm too inexperienced.

[Anonymous No.11241640]

>>11241616
It's a poem, sorry dear anon.

[Anonymous No.11241656]

Here's an excerpt from my novel:

7th Grade

Gonzo had decided to meet me under a peach tree eight minutes far from our school. I arrived after our final class and found cooled seating under shading branches and their attached tarred peach doppelgängers.

My waiting was too deprived of length to be significant; he showed with one arm crossing his stomach and gripping the other; the way it had been all day.
"Okay, I'm here, what did you wanna tell me?"
Apparently I was exclusive to speaking ability under the peach tree; and the grass became his newfound fixation. I trailed his eyesight with my head and bent all spine to watch his pupils.
"What's wrong?"
His neck turned his head away from me to be plastered by a doppelgänger. Fresh oxygen from the bark; I heard him; watched this sound become nasal action before he gifted me his attention; and to this day I cannot be convinced that that peach hadn't possessed him.

One finger at a time; one fingerprint countdown; one set of five equally distinctly chewed fingernails rising; and there it was: the missing piece to our Lego Death Star submerged at its corner in his arm. Like twin lips we peeled to show each other the inside of our mouths.

"You found it! You found the piece! Was it in your arm the whole time?" His virgin arm found a well fitted, curving embrace around the back of my neck.

"It went under the couch in the living room when we built it. Me and my big brother moved it to wrestle this morning and he jumped on me in the air and I guess I landed right on the piece." I held myself by the knees to look at his numb faced arm closer. The bruising puncture that seemed exceedingly proud to present its veins holding the Lego piece was still drooling bits of blood.

"How are we gonna get it out?" I asked.
He took a large breath and held me at the shoulder.

"Pull."

And so began the best summer ever.

[Anonymous No.11241749]

opening bit of my first novel.

it's a sci fi (i guess). it takes place in a parallel world in which nation states do not exist, and in their place are sovereign religious groups that convene at the Consortium (which operates similar to the UN). the story is told from the perspective of a low-level cleric, akin to a real-life civil servant, who is stationed to staff a containment zone to watch over a virgin-born girl. He starts developing a connection to the girl and becomes increasingly paranoid of the other rival religious groups that are also vying for control/sovereignty of the girl (the Subject). he then attempts to abduct her

i'll crit for crit

[Anonymous No.11241793]

>>11241749
>i'll crit for crit
No, you're going to give feedback first like everyone else

[Anonymous No.11241797]

Critique appreciated.
"Come on, boy. Undertaker's gotta make a living."

With tears welling in it's eyes, the tard got up from the table and slowly made it's way outside. "A-are we g-gonna h-h-have a d-d-duel?", it sputtered, as they passed through the doors of the saloon.

The hint of a smile came across the cowboy's face. "A duel?", he asked. "Why? You got a gun?"

"N-n-no", it confessed.

"Know how to use one?"

"N-no..." it repeated, it's voice quivering.

"Well then I guess there ain't gonna be no duel."

[Anonymous No.11241843]

>>11241797
>>11241749
>>11241656
THERE'S SOMETHING YOU'VE FORGOTTEN TO DO

[Anonymous No.11241847]

>>11241518
ill crit you my man

[Anonymous No.11241866]

>>11241847
Right back at you,
I'm here
>>11240137

[Anonymous No.11241892]

>>11241843
>>11241793

You're both right.

>>11241656
>eight minutes far from
Do you speak ESL? The word you're looking for is away, not far.

This piece suffers from grammatical mistakes throughout. E.g.,

>Apparently I was exclusive to speaking ability under the peach tree
This needs complete rearrangement for it to make sense.

It's a shame your grammar is so poor because your diction and general ability to capture dialogue very well. There is a lot that needs improving here, though.

>>11235008
You would benefit from replacing some of those unnecessary commas with elipsis points or em dashes.

Why is it written in first person present. E.g.,

>Hardy claps inwardly then digs his head to shirt
And not
>Hardy clapped inwardly then dug his head into his shirt
The latter sounds a lot more natural and improves readability a lot.

You need to take better care of the minute aspects of your piece. The grammar, the small punctuation, the pacing on each line. This is not the work of a refined craftsman, in my view, but a novice who is clearly learning the ropes.

>>11235199
I liked this. Your writing style is fun. You could probably include more substance in here and I'd find it more enjoyable/worthwhile

>>11237011
>it's stain

I haven't read anything in this tone/style actually get published in literally decades. This is an incredibly outmoded way of writing poetry. Feel free to do it, but I think it boring, unimaginative, uninspiring, etc. and seemingly I'm not the only one

>>11236361
Didn't have time to read this all but I see potential here. I don't really fuck with this kind of writing but it seems like you've got the style down

[Anonymous No.11241917]

>>11241892
>but a novice who is clearly learning the ropes.
DAS RIGHT

[Anonymous No.11242027]

bump
please

[Anonymous No.11242052]

Plez be sincere but not mean, im depressed and fairly autistic.

Why is the most sorrowful song,
the one written in strife?
Alas, keep on fighting more
though your spirit seeks to shrive
and keep on fighting for
the passions that you strive
your heart will push you onwards
until your destined time.
and fight on ever more
just for the taste of breath
Anticipation.

The branching path unwinding,
While the canvas, bland and binding,
A cruel white bekons refining,
The tracing of an angelic line.
Anticipation.
Perplexing, and infuriating,
Anticipation.
And before I can draw
breath again,
Anticipation.

Now, with strings of a dozen guitars,
I'll braid together a steel-bound rope,
to strangle this cruel, undying hope,
out of my heart,
just for the taste of breath;
Anticipation.

this is your destined fate
the time that you ascend
a taste of joy and woe
the time of your own end

You must heed, eternal tale
of city of your birth
For it will last beyond your home
all buried under earth,
Till the sky, already in motion
Will try to drag the mist away
With firm, mindless, devotion
Like hand through lover's hair

And past early morning fog you'll see
Visions of the things to be
The pains that are withheld for thee
To realize; all thats yours was ment for me.

[Anonymous No.11242057]

Author's note: to be read in bad-ass narrator voice and accompanied by 80s synth track.


By the year 2041, every 10th child was born autistic. Under mounting pressure to stem the tide of defective genes, the United States government introduced the Autism control act. Every person found to be autistic was to be executed on site. This became known as the great autism purge of 2042. Those lucky enough to escape the purge now live in hiding. Underground, in the shadows, they fight day by day to survive, ruthlessly hunted by a new breed of warriors known as Exterminators.

[Anonymous No.11242071]

>>11242057
>>11242052
Gib feedbacks anons

[Anonymous No.11242078]

>>11242071
You've had more than enough feedback, fat ass.

[Anonymous No.11242081]

>>11242071
Who are you? And wy didnt you reciprocated as a sing of good faith? How self centered of you anon-kun.

[Anonymous No.11242101]

>>11242078
>>11242081
Fucking leeches

[Anonymous No.11242124]

>>11242101
"F-fucking leech", it muttered under it's breath.

"What'd you say, boy?"

"N-nothing s-sir."

The cowboy drew his revolver and pistol-whipped the tard on the side of it's head. It fell in a crumpled heap, blood leaking from it's ear.

[Anonymous No.11242131]

>>11242101
How is anyone supposed to know who you are if you dont leave your post id >> you assblasted mongotard.

[Anonymous No.11242144]

>>11242124
*clumsily touches your balls and butthole as I die which makes you feel kind of upset and grossed out for a few days*

[Anonymous No.11242179]

“C’mon boy, get up”, he demanded. The tard remained motionless. “Ahh, shit,” he sighed. Had he really hit it that hard? His concern was not that he might have just killed this idiot, but that he wouldn’t get the pleasure of shooting it in the back like he’d intended.

[Anonymous No.11242305]

>>11240137
I can see that the general theme is the idea of ancestry being the spreading out of spirit (perhaps?) throughout time as one ego can't bear the load of existence. Maybe by gifting plague you mean existence itself, the human condition?

yet voiced the same, is
fucking oh so hard.

Ah pity pleads to nowhere,
nor would plagues
be more gentle
in craft or whole obscurities
for every you there'll be a me.

This part is very good. I think the stanza after it is also good, but maybe try only the closing line to finish to keep the momentum of that previous stanza

yet voiced the same, is
fucking oh so hard.

Ah pity pleads to nowhere,
nor would plagues
be more gentle
in craft or whole obscurities
for every you there'll be a me.
yet I can only ever be.

Very complex poem and I definitely didn't pick up on all of it, but I like what I read. I already got a lot of (You)'s but >>11236361
is me.

[Anonymous No.11242414]

>>11241352
Hey anon, did you ever finish reading? I'm really curious what else you think. Also any other critiques for >>11240171 please.

I did quite a few critiques also, so I'm not leeching.

[Anonymous No.11242617]

bump

[Anonymous No.11242619]

I had a dream where I slobbered all over your hand like a retarded dog. I thought that you were holding treaties. I did this until your hand was completely drenched and you gently pulled it away. You bent down over me and patted my back, your blouse drooped open. This exposed a hard sausage nipple. I quickly realised you weren't really patting my back, you were just rubbing the saliva onto my t-shirt. I considered the stain it left somewhat vaginal. You finished drying off your hand and leant back in your ball chair. I stared up at you from the marble floor. I then woke up. I masturbated to my favourite parts. My penis chafed.

[Anonymous No.11242872]

The young knight was almost too afraid to speak, his eyes fixated on the creature's sizeable manhood. "A-are you going to..."

"Am I going to what?" it asked, grabbing it's limp cock with one clawed hand. A toothy smile began to spread across it's face.

[Anonymous No.11242890]

>>11241427

Oh I thought you posted that as a joke. Idk, your language makes it seem like cartoonlike in a way thats somewhat jarring. Having things like "the tard stuttered", the dialogue, "a smalldamp patch forming on the front of it's pants." it just seems silly. I mean, I don't really know if that's just what you're going for and it could mean a different thing. But the way it seems to me, maybe you'd benefit just from writing & reading more to develop your skill.

[Anonymous No.11242896]

>>11242890
Well it is written as a joke, obviously. But how's the actual writing?

[Anonymous No.11242903]

>>11242890
If you can't read that and tell it's meant to be comedic, you might actually be autistic. In which case you have no business criticizing writing of any kind.

[Anonymous No.11242917]

>>11240137

This was fun to read, reminds me of T.S Eliot or Auden and I think that's cool. But because of that I think it's also a really hard style to pull of and maybe too high register. I don't really know how to describe it. While the language is definitely beautiful its delivered in a way that seems insincere, the grandeur of the tone feels put on. And also, while it's definitely cool to write in a similar style to people like Eliot (idk if he's a literally influence of yours, but I think your know the style) I think it'd be more interesting if you gave it more of your own voice in a more contemporary style/tone. Not literally Rupi Kaur but just lower register language and less grand delivery& sentiment. Overall there's clear talent, just a little too ambitious imo.

[Anonymous No.11242936]

>>11242896
>>11242903

It's not that I can't tell it's meant to be comedic I just mean the language itself is cartoonish in a way that seems more obnoxious that genuinely humorous. I see what you're trying to do, and it is kind of funny, but I think you could be doing it better. Phrases like "the tard stuttered" and the dialogue in general feel overly absurd because of the language you use to do it. It feels like comic book dialogue or something idk. I'm not really sure how to say umm, give it more of a literary quality than cartoonish and it may come off funnier.

[Anonymous No.11242953]

>>11242936
You think I should play it more straight?

[Anonymous No.11242968]

>>11237909
>>11237930

https://www.docdroid.net/X9aj3jH/gg.pdf

some more content feedback pls /lit/

[Anonymous No.11243001]

>>11242917
>too ambitious
I feel you anon, sometimes I like being casual and playful but every so often I slip into this portentous, grandiose 'THIS IS LIFE' sort of writing. I do hope to be sincere, but sometimes I overwork things and go for function over feeling and texture (which may explain the high register, precise, but slightly detached phrasing) thanks for sharing your thoughts anon it really helps give me a fresh perspective and confirm thoughts I've had in the back of my mind.

[Anonymous No.11243030]

[Anonymous No.11243035]

>>11243030
Reads like something a schizophrenic hobo would be yelling at people on a street corner. I hope this is a joke.

[Anonymous No.11243042]

>>11243030
AABB ... doesn't work that well for you anon

[Anonymous No.11243054]

>>11242052
Earnest but fairly samey and cliche, anon - when you speak so generally about 'passion' 'fate' 'joy' it's hard not to fall into the same limp ideas and old wisdoms we've heard time and time again. They're so many opportunities for strong and precise imagery, but you lapse into generality too much:
'the sky...already in motion.'
'with firm, mindless devotion'
There's also too much bland clarification, you set up an image, then shove adjectives down our throat without letting the image breathe by itself, it's cheap clarity. I think you have a heart for the poetic but this needs to be whittled down to its essentials and built firmer imo. Thanks for sharing and keep writing anon!

Posting:
So you want answers kid,
you've been selected,
isn't that enough?

But first, questions:
"How do I play?"
"is this necessary?"
Why wouldn't it be?
"Would it?"
"What's it?"
"Or not?"
That's one too many,
don't piss me off.

We've audiences to entertain,
from, we're entertained.
That guy in the stands?
He's paying this thing.

The richer than riches,
in those pitch black slacks,
would only give pity,
if not to lean back,
and laugh.
To work!
Decisions!
No more practice questions.
Have you any will?
like a good contestant?
Or will you, on seventh repeat,
bolt from seat and scream
"I knew it all along!"
That's not how it works.
That's not how any of it works!
Have a hand for trying.
Here's Death.
You are wrong.

[Anonymous No.11243063]

>>11235008
>>11242052
Earnest but fairly samey and cliche, anon - when you speak so generally about 'passion' 'fate' 'joy' it's hard not to fall into the same limp ideas and old wisdoms we've heard time and time again. There's so much opportunity for strong and precise imagery here, but you lapse into generality too much:
'the sky...already in motion.'
'with firm, mindless devotion'
There's also too much bland clarification, you set up an image, then shove adjectives down our throat without letting the image breathe by itself, it's cheap clarity. I think you have a heart for the poetic but this needs to be whittled down to its essentials and built firmer imo. Thanks for sharing and keep writing anon!

Posting(I'm OP, this is the poem I'm basing the short on):
So you want answers kid,
you've been selected,
isn't that enough?

But first, questions:
"How do I play?"
"is this necessary?"
Why wouldn't it be?
"Would it?"
"What's it?"
"Or not?"
That's one too many,
don't piss me off.

We've audiences to entertain,
from, we're entertained.
That guy in the stands?
He's paying this thing.

The richer than riches,
in those pitch black slacks,
would only give pity,
if not to lean back,
and laugh.
To work!
Decisions!
No more practice questions.
Have you any will?
like a good contestant?
Or will you, on seventh repeat,
bolt from seat and scream
"I knew it all along!"
That's not how it works.
That's not how any of it works!
Have a hand for trying.
Here's Death.
You are wrong.

[Anonymous No.11243353]

[Anonymous No.11243368]

>>11242953

Yeah in a sense. It feels too over the top.

[Anonymous No.11243370]

>>11243001

Understandable. You still have a lot of potential so I'm sure you'll figure out the proper balance for your voice.

[Anonymous No.11244095]

>>11241749

>still no crit

[Anonymous No.11244186]

>still no responses

[Anonymous No.11244475]

White orchids hinting drops of scarlet
billow in the breeze
A hue that nature breath in blood to rose bloom decree
Nicotine stained the day’s heat spent with her
Love withers on a park bench, the petals plunge in turn
Till the grass adorned as such by little blots
Of snow. Till summer come again would then my orchids grow
Then the only bloom to bloom would write itself in thought

>>11244186
which post is yours?

[Anonymous No.11244502]

>>11235217

>dystopian

NEXT

[Anonymous No.11244565]

>>11244475
>which post is yours?
This guy right here >>11241255
I showed it to one of my professors hoping for feedback but she called it "U.S.-centric" and a "male-dominated narrative" and said she wanted to see more diverse opinions represented. She also wanted me to explicitly state the sub-plot that I wanted the reader to have to work to put together from the beginning. So basically I'd really just appreciate an honest critique by this point

[Anonymous No.11244601]

Have a question, how broke does this line sounds:

"You man of strong, honest spine."

It isnt written by me, I'm just curious about lack of "are" - is ti common to omit it like that in poems sometimes?

[Anonymous No.11244609]

>>11244601
Sounds like dialog from this character

[Anonymous No.11244635]

>>11243030
>>11243353
I don't like any of it. Not at all.
>>11241656
You either are not a native English speaker or are trying to be too experimental where experiment is not needed.
>found cooled seating under shading branches
Here for example, I don't think the playing with language is having the effect that's intended. It comes off as pretentious, "look at how much I am saying", but with empty words. As Flaubert said, something to the tune of: In the attempt to find the words to express a full soul out comes the emptiest of metaphor. I don't mean to say that the style you are going for is impossible or that you should altogether change style, but put some thought to this quote by Winslow Homer: Paint what you see, anything else you have to offer will show itself anyways. It seems like a lot of your writing is absurd for the sake of absurdity, or saying things in a trivially different way for the sake of being different. I may be literately conservative pertaining to this topic and feel free to dismiss my critique. As you said yourself you've a whole novel, but if I provoke a little thought I will be glad.

[Anonymous No.11244638]

>>11244609
It is left out deliberately, not broken English.
I'm asking if it is a common thing in poems and/or does it sounds bad/unusual?
(from the PoV of native speaker, I'm not obviously)

[Anonymous No.11244647]

>>11235239
Great

[Anonymous No.11244663]

>>11244609
KEK
>>11244565
w-was that fiction?

[Anonymous No.11244695]

>>11244638
Its very common in poetry to play with syntax for sake of meter/rhythm/form. You will often see archaic phrasing and word order. It sounds fine in context, but isolated in combination with that other anons connotation of the asian accent I can only read it in that voice.

[Anonymous No.11244729]

Kate scanned the terrain. The Fairy lurked somewhere out there. It was omnipresent in her mind, moving in a hunched gait, its purposes unknown but most assuredly evil. Kate knew in her bones the creature was bad, that it meant them harm. It did not belong in her world. Since first seeing the monster the ancient primal fear within Kate had not stopped screaming, Run! Run or die!

[Anonymous No.11244761]

>>11244729
It always makes me laff when people post two lines of YA. What am I supposed to say? Its fine anon.

[Anonymous No.11244789]

>>11244729
>Run! Run or die!
first run should not be capitalized. also the above poster is right to laff

[Anonymous No.11244853]

>>11244663
>w-was that fiction?
You tell me ;)

[Anonymous No.11244982]

[Anonymous No.11244999]

>>11241656
>my waiting was too deprived of length
its an instant classic. just gotta neck yourself after you release it and youll be a literary legend