/lit/ - Literature

Don't know the point of this thread but I've saged anyway.

Also Gaiman is so shit, jesus christ.

>done three years
>don't-fuck-with-me enough
>killing time
>kept himself in shape

So many cliches, fucking hell. How can people read this and not feel disgusted?

>>7297688
Also

>he loved his wife.

Pleb

if you're so good /lit/ rewrite this sentence into something vastly superior

>>7297688
The point is to post passages which are hack as fuck.

>announcing sage

Hi redit.

>>7298237
Oh Nora, I yearn for thy supple thighs. This cell holds me and I spin coins around, wondering which ones would be fit to scoop a fart. Oh, your heavenly puckered ass pipe!

Gaiman gets name dropped a lot, so I gave him a chance with this book to try and understand what the fuss is about. Total and utter cringefest. It's not normie-tier stuff like Koontz or King, it's "I'm a freshman creative writing major xD ~~ !!" tier. Pretty long too, like 400 pages of shit smeared on pages.

Just awful. Absolutely awful.

This book was probably ghostwritten by a 13 year old girl.

>>7298237
You're asking an impossible task. The protagonist is unironically named motherfucking SHADOW in 21st century America. Everybody just accepts it too. "What's your name? Oh, Shadow, okay." Like that's even slightly normal. The only way for this to have been acceptable is if Shadow had been literally retarded to the point of severe handicap and nobody questioned him on his name because, hey, the guy's retarded, he can call himself whatever he wants. Instead he's built as some macho hardass.

It's nonredeemable in every quality from the point that Gaiman typed 'Shadow' and onward. You can't polish a turd.

>>7298285
>Call me Low-Key
>Who is the mysterious Mr. Wednesday!? It's such a puzzle.
:^)

Yeah I tried reading this after hearing the acclaim and couldn't believe how terrible it was.

>>7298302
BUT LIKE
TELEVISION IS LIKE THE NEW GOD AND LIKE
THE ONLY GODS ARE GOING BCUZ WE DONT BELIEVE

>>7298237
Shadow had been imprisoned for three years. The size of his body, and the hostile disposition he had maintained since his youth, allowed him to avoid the beatings and intimidation distributed among the fellow inmates. Instead he was confronted only by the emptiness of each passing day and the paucity of event each day provided. And so to distract himself from his isolation, Shadow lifted weight in the yard with the other whites. He taught himself to pass a coin along the backs of his fingers until doing so became more natural to him than holding it in his palm while standing in line for his weekly telephone call home. But he could not invent no distraction effective enough to deter the thoughts of the woman with whom he had intended to share his life, and whose company had been denied him on account of his crime.

>>7298311
>could not invent no
kek

>>7298319
>criticizing ebonics

Downvoted for racism

>>7298319
SATIS-FAC-TION

>>7298323
>lifting with the whites
So the omniscient narrator is a niqqa?

>>7298330
>he doesn't understand trans-racialism

Doesn't surprise me.

>>7297680
He started as a writer of comic books; don't expect top work! This is akin to complaining that R.E. Howard is 'too pulpy' or that a romance novel has a shallow plot.

>>7298335
like this?

>>7298237
>Shadow had done three years in prison. He was big enough, and looked don’t-fuck-with-me enough that his biggest problem was killing time. So he kept himself in shape, and taught himself coin tricks, and thought a lot about how much he loved his wife.

>Shadow was a big guy, and didn't really look like he would slip into darkness with just a sweater, black jeans and a balaclava on. But he did.
By the time he got caught he had enough B&E's that he had that mean confidence which expressed the ever-so-critical "don't fuck with me": a look essential for a peaceful prison stint.
So, three years in Shadow's only worry was filling time. Coin tricks, keeping in shape, and--when he could think quietly--he thought of his wife.


Its a little longer, but I tried to slip in an explanation for the faggy ass nickname shadow.

>>7298353
>got caught
>that he had that
>mean confidence
>ever-so-critical
>stint
>So,
>filling time
>keeping in shape

Just as shit if not shitter.

>>7298342
Honestly, props to her. Getting another job that quickly out of a crisis like that wouldn't have been easy.

Shadow had been in prison for a few while now. Sonic was dead; Shadow was paying the price. 'Heh...' muttered Shadow. 'So you ended up here T?'
Tails looked ashamed. Shadow killed his best friend but he couldn't help but be aroused by Shadow's musty exterior.
'You wanna kill some time T?'
Tails tried not to look.
'Heh... I've been keeping in shape, even taught my self some cock tricks... How 'bout I make you my wife'
Tails hardened at this proposal. 'I.. I GOTTA GO; FAST' Tails then rushed to the Prison toilets.

'Heh...' muttered Shadow

>>7297680
Shadda wuz da shawtime nigga, wuz da bigga nigga, wuz da boooored nigga, knowam sayun? So he dun dun sum weight, dun dun sum flippity flam flop & he dun thunk'd a big bone 4 his bitch.

Shadow went to prison for three years. He was very big so people didn't brother him. Shadow felt bored. Shadow began exercising. "I will feel less bored if I work out," he thought. Shadow taught himself coin tricks. He thought about his wife.

Shadow, in prison for three years, was big and thus avoided fights, so he lifted weights, learnt coin tricks, and thought of his wife

>>7298399
>using a semicolon in sonic fanfiction

Pshhh yeah right kid

>>7298446
>thus
>learnt

>>7298406
Underrated

Shadow was fucking huge, a real boss nigger, and so in his three prison years all he had to do was pass some fucking time. So he worked out and got even more swole, and learned some dank coin tricks, and fapped to the thought of his qt3.14.

>>7298237
For three years was Shadow, whose imposing form painted terrible darkness, imprisoned in the twilit halls of concrete. And for three years, he contemplated his love: the smile that clove the cloudy sky, the shores of softest blue that rimmed her irises....

>>7298237
Thanks to his dark complexion his mates referred to him as Shadow. Mates as in inmates, because like any real black man Shadow had done plenty of time (in prison). He was often bored so he started lifting and he learned some coin tricks, which he performed in exchange for cigarettes and not getting raped. Shadow liked his wife.

The End.

>>7298399
Kek

>>7297688
>>7298311
>>7298366
>>7298399
>>7298499
>>7298500

>>7298242
>announcing sage
>redit

Hello newfriend

>>7297680
>>7298237
>3 years.
>3 fucking years
>That's 1096 days
>In that time, Shadow could've worked a day-time job, saved money, spent said money on a trip to Brazil, found love in the form of a voluptous young woman in Brazil, travelled back to the states, saved money, spent said money on getting his brazillian girlfriend to the states, married her, gotten her pregnant, held his newborn baby in his arms, given the baby back to her, then vanished at 3 AM in the night, catched a late-night plane to Brazil, hidden there while she sat at home crying and watching soap operas.
>Instead. Shadow spent those 3 years in prison, doing the same tricks with the same coins and doing the same workout in the same cell over and over. There wasn't even the occasional fight to keep things interesting. One time he (accidentally) bumped into Jamal "Mad Dog" Johnson, and Mad Dog Johnson, who was this 9 yards tall black guy with more muscles than mass, took one look at Shadow and went like "Naw, fuck that". So no fights, no nothing. All Shadow had for these past 3 years was coin tricks, pushups and the knowledge that his beloved, boring wife (not brazillian) was probably taking 9 dicks an hour on a big kingsized bed while he was rotting in here, wanking, on a shitty bunk.

Somewhat rough but there ya go.

Shadow was fucking enormous. Completely ripped, absurdly swole. He looked like he hit the gym twice a day and a third time for good measure if it looked at him funny. His whole body swung back and forth like a pendulum as he walked, because some of his muscles were too fucking huge and powerful to leave the other muscles room to keep him upright like a normal human being. His thighs were like slabs of pure murder encased in meat. His biceps bulged like throbbing beer-can-circumference cocks. His triceps hung like powerful balls. His forearms were all muscle and vein. He could kick your fucking ass, bitch. He also did coin tricks and jail and jacked off thinking about his hot wife or whatever.

I can't tell if some of the people are being ironic or are terrible writers.

>>7298725
Which people, specifically?

I want to know if I'm one of them.

>>7298725

I've only ever read one good writer on /lit/

>>7298780
Your mom was a good writer!

>>7298780
dr. peaches?

>>7298406
Wardine?

SHADOW, THRICEYEAR IMPRISONED, BIG & BUFF, TUFF ENUF, LIFTAN COIN FLICKAN & DICK SHLICKAN TO THE THOUGHT OF HIS WAIFU

>>7298780
...what was it

I like this book

>>7298766
Pretty much all of them. Only two were decent, one of them being a joke, one of them being purple and pretentious-- mine .
>>7298311
>>7298353
>>7298431
>>7298446
>>7298509
>>7298637
>>7298642

>>7299828
one of those is mine and it was 100% a joke

>>7297680
I liked the book tbh

>>7299877
I didn't laugh.

>>7300057
No you didn't

>this fucking thread

But yeah Gaiman should stick to comics. That way he can hide his prose behind pictures.

>>7298311
Actually this is pretty good for an on the spot effort.

>>7298399
I keked harder and more often when reading this than I should have

Three years since he'd been locked up. Three years of tossing coins and and lifting weights, over and over again until the other cons were too afraid to fuck with him. Three years since he'd seen her. Three years of unbearable solitude. And in three days, he would be free.

>>7300876
Shadow hated the name that the other prisoners had given him, but the quietly menacing giant couldn't deny that it suited him. After three years of lifting weights and teaching himself stupid coin tricks to pass the time, there was little left of the violent storm of a man that had been dogpiled and tazed by half of the working officers of the LAPD.

Sitting on the floor of his cell, waterfalling a quarter between the fingers of his left hand, he says: "I miss my wife."

No one answers. Of course not. They knew better than to answer when Shadow spoke. Especially when he spoke of his wife, which he had been doing more and more lately.


dude making the name "shadow" not sound hokey as fuck is just impossible

Is Sandman any good?

>>7297680
He's just trying to be a semi more serious Terry Pratchet, why you gotta give him shit. He's not trying to impress autists on this board

>>7298311
Very good anon

>>7300914
I know. Who the fuck thought that naming a man Shadow was reasonable.

Samson would have been a better fit.

>>7298399
Bravisimo dubs man

>>7300942
He should be.

>>7299828
You could exchange most of those to the original and pretty much no reader would notice that's no gaiman's prose.

The "don't-fuck-with-me look" is the only thing in original sentence that is remarkable. And, sincerely, it is ridiculous. But most people buy it anyway.

>>7300876

That's actually not half bad. Well, relative to the standards of genre fiction, at least.

>>7298237
Three years down 'til out, Shadow invictum filled the empty hall of time with building his body, building his hand-quick, building the pedestal under his wife.
He was a big guy.

>>7300876
>until the other cons were too afraid to fuck with him.
He went into prison with the others afraid to fuck with him.

>>7300931
Some is, some ain't. Generally, if the story isn't a single-issue, it's bad.

>>7301628
Tell me - why does Shadow wear the mask?

>>7301628

>He was a big guy.

>>7301628
For you.