/lit/ - Literature

>>19794266
I used to have mad fantasies about burning down my local library, no idea why

Can someone post the old image of the funny library characters

>>19794266
>Some accidental magical spell turned the library lesbian into a bonobo and she refuses to turn back and merely fucks you into submission if you attempt to.
>She doesn't even want to.
>She is just deferring social trouble by fucking.

Interesting. I heard of wizards and how they can be illusion based or healing based among others, but I never heard of a library wizard. You learn something new every day.

>>19794498
Library wizard are just based.

>>19794266

>thereby burning down the entire library

>>19794266
>Kant goblins abducted fifth child this week

>>19794580
SEND
IN
HEGEL

>>19794284
My local library actually did burn down when I was a kid. It was surprisingly depressing to know that most of the books I had held in my hand and enjoyed up till then were turned into ashes.

>library gargoyle keeps pissing on female patrons

>College library got rid of a bunch of donated valuable rare books related to Asia in a colossal fuckup

>>19795798
I’m trying to track down an article about this. I believe it happened in Iowa or Illinois 10+ years ago .

>>19794266
>had a spiritual revelation of clarity that piracy is stealing and stealing according to divine teachings prevents one from entering Heaven and obtaining monetary blessings

>>19795812
>>19795798
https://qconline.com/news/local/augustana-library-staff-stirs-anger-over-destruction-of-18th-century-books/article_75c37b06-6345-5b6b-8238-66786978f90e.html

What a fuckup

>>19795832
Anon, use archive.is to get past the subscription only block
https://archive.is/NPjmn

My local library is still being picketed by the library jesters union, they demand a working snow cone machine - even in winter - among other things

>library sphinx is refusing me entry to the rare tomes and manuscripts section
Doesn't he know who I am!?

>byzantine librarians won't stop bludgeoning each other with picture books

>library jester keeps making announcements over the intercom and addressing everyone as ladies and germs

>library petting zoo is closed for the season

>library anteaters have taken over the pynchon section

>library humidor is out of cigars again

>library got rid of the smoking section because not enough people were using it

>library hyperbolic time chamber spat out another skeleton clutching the Science of Logic

>>19794580
Kant goblins think it's imperative to abduct children

>>19795832
>>19795843
The Quad Cities are a moral sewer

>library necromancer is making out with Shub-Niggurath again

>>19795828
Today I had a $12 pen that I didn't even like stolen from me and I wanted to set fire to my whole neighborhood as vengeance. I am still seething. Misplacing things or having them stolen upsets me so disproportionately fucking much it's unreal.

>>19797032
Where do you live?

>>19797060
>spending $12 on a pen

Just got back from my city’s enormous post-modern kike architecture library and they closed every single level except the entrance, so only DVDs and YA. To keep everyone safe from Covid. 10 levels closed to stop Covid, but three screaming bums threatened me and others within 5 minutes of being in there.

>>19797796
You're only right because it wasn't a good pen. But that's not what os keeping me awake as I ruminate. The problem is that there's a filthy goblin right now who's gloating over my pen he's found-stolen. It's unacceptable that this defeat happened to me and I do not know how exactly it went down, who it was, if it fell and he stole it before I could know where it had fallen or if he took it from my pocket with his wicked talons. This sort of thing really shakes me, it shows me that my mind is fallible, that I wasn't prepared enough to face the merciless battlefield of the world today, and things are easily taken away from a man whose mind isn't sharp enough. Today it was that pen, what will the goblins take from me tomorrow?
And that's also considering I might have simply misplaced it and it fell somewhere I couldn't see, and in that case I should be condemned for thinking ill of every innocent stranger around me. It's the fact that I was pranked by the unknown that offends me so much.

>Anglophile gang members lynched an innocent for reading Foucault

>>19797971
If you don't know what happened to the pen assume it ambiguously lost, and take better care of your next pen.

>>19797810
>kike architecture
huh? Do you mean derivative of the local culture and in a somewhat hybrid style with repetitive motifs taken from the torah?

funniest /lit/ thread in weeks

>>19798024
>assume it ambiguously lost
But that's exactly what I'm not OK with! I need to know. I need to know where and how, and on top of all who was it who took it? Even assuming he did not directly steal it, what do you do when you see a $12 pen laying around unsupervised? Do you go "hehe YOINK!" like some kind of lowlife? NO, you leave it there exactly where it is, because it surely belongs to someone who's now backtracking to find it. I can't believe that people are like this.

>library serpent tried to get me to borrow that book again

>>19795832
>books have been sitting on library shelves for decades
>nobody has checked them out even once
>probably nobody even knows they're there aside from the one weeb professor who bought them 30 years ago
>library throws them out to make space for books people are actually interested in reading

>n-no, you can't throw out books that nobody reads because...you just can't, ok??

>>19798373
I'm all for pruning collections, but if the books were as valuable as the article says then it seems wasteful to recycle them instead of sell them.

>>19794332
What

>>19797060
I haven't bought a pen for years. I just steal them or 'borrow' them. Glad to know there are still penpiggies out there.

Hey bros. Just wanted to let you all know I found a badass pen the other day. God knows how much the poor fool paid for it, but his loss is my gain.

>>19798063
This is not normal behavior. You are not healthy. This is not a joke post.

>>19798373
They could have sold or donated them instead of shredding them like a bunch of niggers. My university library has a warehouse for books they don't have room for too, I don't know if they get rid of any books.

>>19794266
>Library Pirates raided, made off with the entire philosophy section

>>19795832
>Destruction of the books has rekindled a passionate debate at Augustana about a plan to eliminate traditional books in favor of a library repurposed for the next generation of students who, technical services librarian Mary Tatro said, tend to prefer digital books and electronic media.
>Written in 2011
I'm seeing red right now
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

>>19799554
>tfw he's in this thread

>>19799615
>>19797810
>Smug manga section closed due to COVID
>Librarian says if you want smug cuties you're going to have to check out Frances Hodgson Burnett from the kid's section
>'c-can't I just read brideshead again? I promise it's just for Cordelia'
>No they found out he was publishing under his wife's name and it's back in the cis male stacks
>Steal anon's pen in revenge haze and try to look like homeless orphan from india so pen police won't think my address is on register
Close call. On the upside the plot holer on the fifth floor is out of commission too.

>>19794332
seconding >>19799547, something about "funny library characters" makes it impossible to not get a qrd

>>19794266
>Someone moved the Wendigo autobiographies to the fiction section
>Lights are flickering again

>bean bag zone is closed due to COVID
>playboy magazine stall is still open
>Fap Corral is still open
I'm telling you man I don't believe in this scamdemic

>>19794580
Retroactively refuted by Platonic Pedophiles

>>19796778
>>19796542
Had to show my ID and Library Card and VaxPass to get into the Smoker's section top shelf access. They denied me access and asked to see my diploma. I gave them my diploma and they asked to see my transcripts. I gave them my transcripts and they just started pointing and laughing at me holding the purple chain rail seperating us while blowing smoke in my face. Librarian said I was a little bitch for taddling on them. No one even tells me what's in there.

>>19796508
>Librarians are crawling in the petting zoo after hours
>Neon sign says "The Heavy Petting Zoo"
>You have to wear your mask and swinger couples have to fuck six feet apart from each other

NO READING ALOUD IN THE LIBRARY

>library water cooler started sending me vitally important messages via bubbles that I can't quite decipher again

>can't get into the Greeks because the Library keeps barring me with geometry tests
>Even if I ask to study something else the Librarian guards the door and says "Start with the Greeks"

>>19800713
Go check out a self help book from the schizophrenia section

>went to the cinema and saw a movie with the gf but she insisted we go to the library and read War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy in ONE SITTING
>She's turning the 264th page as she sits on my lap in a bean bag
>We're alone on our library's highest floor
>Library Goblins grab her and drag her to the elevator
>The doors close before I can get it
>Have to ask the Library Minotaur where she is
>Blows smoke in my face and says "who the fuck knows?"
I would go look for her but it took me 3 hours to walk outside the Borges labyrinth.

>>19800721
>go to the schizophrenia section
>it's just the exit

>>19800739
Dude it's just a regular labyrinth they call it the Borges labyrinth for Latinx diversity donor display.

>>19800739
Should have bought a goblin proof tent

>>19800752
The library was sold out

>walk into library's architecture collection
>get trapped in the non-euclidian section again
Can someone send the library jesters to get me out, it's been 3 days

>>19800721
>later that day...

>>19800746
>Ask for Latinx literature
>Once I get there I see a pile of books on the ground as tall as me next to the shelf
>Surrounded by menacing cholos
>Read shelf closely
>It says "Le Twinks"
I was raped.

>>19797060
that was either a test of a blessing from God if you robbed someone before (instead of your life He took your pen)

>epistemology centaur gets visibly erect in your presence

>>19800840
>Just blame and hold a grudge against God himself, who's now enjoying your pen
Fantastic advice anon, very uplifting

>>19797971
>and things are easily taken away from a man whose mind isn't sharp enough
all things can be taken away from anyone including their mind, you have zero control over anything, except for your fear of heavens God controls all the rest
https://www.sefaria.org/Iggeret_HaRamban?lang=en

>Today it was that pen, what will the goblins take from me tomorrow?
could be your entire bank account, it depends whether you learned your lesson with the pen. maybe you robbed someone in the past, maybe you have no faith in HaShem and this was a test to see if you would act on our anger or not, I don't know you, you have to watch a rabbi's like Yaron Reuven lectures and think about your life so far
https://youtube.com/watch?v=KKfYo9a_62Y

>>19800859
kek, not what I meant

>>19794266
>tfw can't enter the classic section without a green ++ vaxxpass premium subscription

>>19800867
>this was a test to see if you would act on our anger or not
does shitposting about it on 4chan count as a fail?
jokes aside I've had a night's sleep and I'm not nearly as mad about it as I was yesterday.

>>19798373
No one's checked the Gutenberg bible out of Widener since it was acquired in 1944, might as well chuck the old thing

>>19800902
if you shitposted while angry, yes, you failed, could be worse though, like you could have broken your phone

>library bathroom toilets overflowing again

>>19801003
I don't post from my phone like you, scumbag

>Lacanian calling me a nazi for not liking cuckoldry

>>19801077
you got me

>>19798063
Would enjoy a novel about a "well adjusted" man slowly unravelling and losing his shit over a fucking $10 pen

>Twist ending: He eventually finds that it just rolled under his fridge, and he divorced his wife and lost his job over nothing.

>>19794266
>>19796408
>ask the library sphinx for a riddle
>he says: “why would I tell you a riddle?
>don’t know how to respond
>go home
>eat
>shower
>sleep
>wake up at 3am and realize that WAS the riddle
how does (s)he do it, lads?

>everything in the Pen section is checked out already

>>19794284
That's normal. There was an abandoned bar near my house that I always wanted to burn down. I planned for years how I would get away with it. Then one day the fire department came and burned it down themselves. I think they were just waiting for some hoodlum to come torch it but that hoodlum(me) was too autistic to do it for them.

>>19799861
>a library repurposed for the next generation of students who, technical services librarian Mary Tatro said, tend to prefer digital books and electronic media.

Isn't that just a fucking empty room?? A computer lab?? Not even a library by definition just a room with WiFi

>>19801386
Did you check the Pen Island?

>>19800760
It's quicker to abseil in this weather

>>19801372
hearty kek, thanks anon

>>19801472
Jeez calm down incel, we can think of something to liven up the space a bit. A Starbucks maybe?

>>19800760
this is a very good joke that I think will sail over everyone's head

>>19801457
Is this story a metaphor for my sex life? I think yes

>>19801372
>>19801372
>Trying to solve the Sphinx's riddle
>Librarian suggests to me I check out a book on ancient Egypt
>Checking out The Search for God in Ancient Egypt by Jan Assmann
>Find out that there's an ancient debate foreword by Joe Rogan about the eternal struggle older than mankind's memory
>There's also quoted praise by Shlomo Bübenbaum
>Early life check on Shlomo Bübenbaum, "Bübenbaum was born Bob Tetzmann to a Jewish family.[3]"
>"Bübenbaum", Assman writes, "is the leading thinker in revisionist ancient history and a pioneer in answering the intellectual hurdles that are most pressing for our age. I thank him for teaching me much and allowing me to cite his work in my book."
>Without the Bübenbaum Assman synthesis we would be stuck in the dualist schismatic dialectic for another lifetime and generations would be misinformed
>A few striking topics include:
>Cromagnon Aryan Psychedelic vs the Neanderthal Opiated Semitolophilocus
>The Boobs vs Butt Question across Ancient Megalithic Worship
>Bogdanoff Physiognomy Historiography and the advent of Ankhenaten's Monotheism
>Fiat and Feminism: how currency is basically the game for shuffled cups
Well I feel real smart now but I forgot the question

>>19804374
>>19804374
Despite popular belief, Jan Assmann prefers boobs and believes men who prefer asses to be subhuman. This lead to a falling out with his once close friend and dear colleague Bübenbaum who prefers asses. Supporters of Bübenbaum have gone as far as declaring large breasts antisemitic. White nationalists however have taken this even further declaring large nonflat asses to be a sign of colored blood blamed upon the genealogy of the lustful father. The Sphinx had no comment, reporters say

>the philosophy majors are debating in the fap corral again before it opens
>Master Debator is awarded the white ribbon
My son says he wants to study philosophy but I'm not letting him get kidnapped by the Kant Goblins again

>go into library to buy a coffee before my late afternoon reading session
>denied coffee after paying, told I need a vax pass, charged a $45 restocking fee for the coffee
>coffee wench gives the cup to the local disenfranchised fentanyl addict waiting in the lobby
>go to visit the cocaine vendor in the upstairs toilet
>ask if they have addies
>addy shipment was looted from the train in LA
>leave
>disenfranchised fentanyl addict has poured the coffee into the ventilation system, heating vent drips burnt coffee onto the book shelves
>the cocaine vendor has joined me to admire it
>'that's authentic columbian brew,' he comments. 'damn good idea to turn the heating vents into an essential joe oil diffuser.'

>library prostitute refuses to service me in the science fiction section

>library downie who I’ve named “Gleg Gleg” (despite his name tag) spat on the rough draft of my novella…
>AGAIN!

>ramp ascent is out for maintenance, cannot admit my war chariot to the history section on the top floor
>forced to lay siege to library
>manage to kill half their garrison before running out of grain supply
>have to depart back to Caesaria enduring the shame of failure
>will renew attempt when I acquire 3 bulls to sacrifice to Mithras next spring

>>19804517
>Go to computer hall
>There's old men who don't even go to this University who look like hobos all lined up on the Big iMacs.
>Travis Scott iMac is playing Ebony twerk videos.
>Sit down to study for my test on Napoleon next to some greaseball hippy who is openly whacking his meat next to me
>Look away and look at my screen
>Have to type in my University ID Code and do duo verification
>Have to play hopscotch with the librarian and capture the pace maker to decipher the SHA256 Checksum Badonkadonk coin private key
>Finally login
>Ah YES! 25 minutes of alotted time!
>This must we worth like MILLIONS in tuition! Thank God I have a CougarCatLionsBengalsPussyCatBussy2 Card! Go CCLBPCB2LGBTQ+!!!!
>Google "Napoleon" and open up Google docs and D2L to start my super important essay that is for my humanities credit in my creative writing class for my engineering degree
>Pop up appears asking me for a cover letter to continue
>Look at my neighbor's twerking video screen
>Xvideos 55:56/60:00 on his video
>Continue typing at the cover letter
>"Oof! Microsoft assistant purple gorilla and paperclip appear and they say it looks like you're trying to build an infographic!"
>Start really enjoying myself just learning starting to question-
>Librarians pacemaker is beeping
>INFORNOGRAPHY INFORNOGRAPHY INFORNOGRAPHY
>Hobo next to me stops beating his meat to look at me to shame me
>Get sent to the fap corral for public service volunteering after apologizing in court

>>19794266
t. Lives in Alexandria

>>19797060
>mail gets stolen
>have homicidal thoughts for a while week
These little things r ally contribute to a low trust environment.

Wizard spellbooks don't belong on the shelves I'm tired of you greasy old ducks leaving your shit everywhere. Yesterday I stepped on a newt.

>>19796441
Fucking iconoclasts

>talking too loud so librarian took away my sight(????)
>muted me only after screaming that I can’t see
stupid bitch

Honestly this library needs a restructuring, we can't have the wizard section so close to the petting zoo, people are getting suspicious

>>19807647
What if the petting zoo is just people who talked too loudly and were turned into animals by the wizards? The wizards deny this but they've also conveniently moved all the occult books to behind the deli section. It just seems too convenient

>>19807680
Whilst I appreciate the wizards assisting the librarians in their duty of keeping the library quiet to facilitate learning, the economic drawback of having half of our patrons turned into animals that don't pay (or deli meat) is hurting our bottom line, and the banking goblins don't like that

>posterior analytics

>>19807705
Tell me where is Lambdalf, for I much desire to speak with him

>>19796948
Im taking your kid next

>>19807774
Hes right around where we keep the Nag Hammadi and the Dead Sea Scrolls

>>19800721
The schizophrenia section at my library blows. None of their books told me how to become schizophrenic, and I made sure to ask politely.

>need a special note from a professor to visit the restricted section

>student council is having another book bonfire
>I wasn't invited
DO YOU KNOW WHO MY FATHER IS?

>>19797971
This post is even more hilarious when you realize the pen is a metaphor for anal virginity

Thanks Patche!

>cucked by the ISBN dragon again
I just can't compete with that level of orderliness.

>go to the library to pick up Bulfinch's Mythology for the 8th time in the past year, determined to actually read it, even though it's boring as fuck
>as I'm checking out, the library hobos start getting uppity with each other and start yelling
>they start brawling and security isn't equipped to handle 5 hobos duking it out
>computer room in shambles, multiple keyboards used as longswords, monitors being thrown like shotputs, office chairs turned into makeshift shields, and the resident porn-watcher is cowering in the corner
>winter reading program is barricaded and the minimum wage bookkeepers are reluctantly protecting the kids with their lives
>volunteer student shelvers huddled together in the non-fiction section, calling the police and filming the scene
>one of the hobos breaks off and starts grabbing as many TIME magazines and weekly library crossword puzzles as he can before running out the door, before taking a glance at me and my book, and smirking
>leave the library
>still wonder if he saw right through me

>new worker at library
>top qt
>go try and strike up conversation
>she only speaks Old Church Slavonic

None of you are funny

>>19810706
>supposed to be a thread about fictional library encounters
>anon posts Seattle Library on a Tuesday

>>19811277
I'm gonna go around asking the 4chan equivalent of when the norwhal bacons to find you guys next time I'm in the Seattle pl

>get beat up by Dewey Decimal for suggesting non-fiction should be sorted differently

>>19811305
if you ask people their opinion on libraries and some guy goes, "they should be abolished," he's from /lit/
seattle is terrible, and also full, dont come here

>Libraries bookwasher broke down again

I can't take it anymore bros

>>19811373
I was born in Seattle back in the early 90s. I'd be going back, not moving there.

>>19811380
>He uses the bookwasher
>He doesn't have his own personal library slave that washes his books for him

>got molested during the Non-Fiction aisle’s pride march
I don’t know who to turn to at this point.

>sent to the ink mines for moving my chair too loud
See you in a month guys

>>19794284
Read The Temple Of The Golden Pavilion by Yukon Mishima

>book czar demands his tribute
>have had to sneak in at night to check out books because i'm flat broke
>trying to dodge his tax collectors by wearing a coof mask but they're starting to get suspicious

>library dutch oven is missing
guess the breadmaking class is cancelled

>>19800739
>gf captured by goblins
Anon I have bad news...

>>19802953
well, it's said Euclid was not very much Euclidian himself

>>19810799
>the library orthobros are putting icons on the book covers again
when does it stop

>library bar is closed every time I try to go

>Library bathroom troll had to be put down for ripping a kids arm off
Why even live?

>>19808173
Once you know how they attack schizophrenia, you have the tools to defend yourself. From there you need merely plant the seed and watch it bloom, the books say nothing, since only you have the wyrds to become.

>library shooting range out of sandbags
>gather paperback /sffg/ for backstop and burn off 200 rounds
>seething bugmen come up crying that i put a hole in their favorite fantasy series and they will never know how it ends
>dryfire at their face and say, "that's how it ends," and walk out
>range wrangler mad, got a 2 week b&

>library hot-dog stand ran out of ketchup again

>ask for directions to the esotericism section
>push through the heavy red curtain to enter
>the only thing in the room is a big mirror
>my reflection is smiling
Wtf where are the books I need to curse my neighbour's dogrhshn

>got lost in a Babel wing again

fuck these gayass hexagons

>>19794266
>finally found the book of life during my expedition through the pseudofiction section
>immediately grab it and run to check it out
>open it
>some dude wrote his name in every single blank space so I couldn't write my name in it
Fuck you Joey Rumstrugen.

>>19797060
Distance yourself from your possessions

>had to pay the pen Jizya again

>>19815688
>printer caliph wouldn't let me print my document
>called me 'infidel' and wants me to convert to HP
>had to back out slowly from the printing room

HEY, WHO'S FUCKING CAT IS THAT, THE BLACK ONE, IT'S RUNNING AROUND BETWEEN PULP AND HORROR, I THINK ITS EATING A SQUID AL FREDO

>tfw the prose plumbers are on strike again

>the prosaic mosaic failed to kindle any inspiration

>>19817035
If it pulls a gun on you, it's more likely Behemoth.

>Imaginary girlfriend makes fun of my literary taste

>Zoomers shitting up the local library again.

>>19810937
ACADEMIC IN THE LIBRARY

ACADEMIC IN THE LIBRARY

KICK HIM OUT

>library showers clogged with pages from Infinite Jest

>Library men's cumbuckets are full AGAIN
>Have to use the fucking tranny buckets

>>19818327
everyone in this thread is funny except for you

>>19818328
Congrats, you just got triggered. WOW!

>>19818331
that all you got?
0 for 2. try harder.

>>19818341
>tha-that all you-you g-g-got?
0 for 2. T-try harder!!

>>19818348
You wandered into this humorous thread and wanted to post something funny, and your mind defaulted to "quick, what's something offensive and disgusting I can post? I know, cum and trannies!" That is literally the peak of your sense of humor. You have no sense of nuance or subtlety. Anyone can say "lol cum and trannies". Use your fucking imagination. I want to see something funny. Make a funny tranny joke. That one wasn't.

>>19818341
I can smell your fishy-shit aroma through my fucking computer screen, loser

>>19818360
You sound really upset over nothing you little bitch

>>19818369
>Y-you sound really u-upset over n-nothing you little b-b-b-b-itch
You sound really butthurt that someone didn't think you were funny and called you out for it.

>>19800721
>go to the schizophrenia section
>philip k. dick starts telling me I've been here before

>>19794284
mine has gender neutral bathrooms i fuck women in them

>>19801472
yes just a computer lab with a starbucks attached full of homeless watching tranny porn at full volume with out headphones

>>19806357
Anon....that wasn't a newt

>>19818327
You gotta watch it for the pace maker and really really really identify as a tranny or else the buckets spill on ya, man. I'm still crusty from my lesson yesterday

>>19818577
kek you should attach a sign on the door that says
>Abandon all hope, ye who enter

>>19818328
>reeee how dare you mention that trannies exist aaaaaaa!!!!!
lmao GOTTEM we found the troon
TRIGGER WARNING TRIGGER WARNING TRIGGER WARNING you dont pass

>>19820159
Again, any retard can say “lol trannies”. Make an effort

>>19817557
Zoomers in a library? Now that's just made up