/lit/ - Literature

>the author tells you that he doesn't really care about you and that just reading his works doesn't mean that you are any closer to him than you are to any other stranger

>the author is coming to your house to collect what he is owed

>>19077115
>the author calls you "my friend"
>I now use that in my writing

>>19077115
>The author laughs at your face for either paying money for his shit, and/or wasting your time consuming his shit instead of creating your own shit.

>the author cringily refers to you as constant reader

>>19077115
>The author tells you his point would require another book

>the author dedicates the book to his wife and kids

>>19077115
>"Some people think all great books should start with a dare. And those folks can't be brig readers-because really, when was the last time YOU read a book that began with a dare? Well, this one does. And that's not some ham-fisted gambit to position it as "great" because we just established that only half literates conflate opening dares with greatness. So, it's truly, just a simple dare. And it's this; I dare you to FINISH the fucker. And let's be real- you probably won't. It's 547 pages printed, after all.

>>19077132
this one must've had a really bad experience with a fan for them to go out of their way to write something like this haha.

>>19077220
It was Maugham (somewhere in The Summing Up, I can't be bothered finding the exact quote) and I suspect it was mostly because he enjoyed being a crotchety old man for most of his later life.

>>19077228
Even better.

>>19077115
>the author informs you he will be killing himself after he's done with the book

>>19077162
Literally Darwin—and no, he never wrote the other book his On the Origin of Species was a fucking "brief abstract" for (even after the fucking abstract recurved six editions).

>Author apologizes for his book

>>19077115
>The author urges you to shut his book before it makes you terribly sad

>The author says nothing of essence, in fact it just feels like psychobabble.

>You’ve opened the book at this page. You’ve turned over two or three pages, glancing idly at the title, the name of the author, the publisher, and perhaps you’ve looked for the phrase in quotation marks that’s nearly always to be found at the beginning of novels
it's an e-book asshole

>>19077265
>author informs you that he will be killing you after he's done with the book

>>19077190
>Author invites you to punch him in the face

>>19077115
Which books do the authors actually congratulate the reader?

>author leaves his contact info at the end of the book asking you to send him nude photos and correspond with him

>>19077132
>>19077134
>>19077157
>>19077265
>>19077637
>>19077649
>>19077661
>>19077700
>>19077688
Based
>>19077115
>>19077140
>>19077176
Cringe

>>19078146
Nobody asked

>author says in the epilogue that reading literature is a waste of time

>>19077695
Probably books based on video games, that type of style.
For something literary though, William Gass’ The Tunnel takes a picture of its reader when you get somewhere in the middle of the book. It‘s kind of a ‘secret’ for actually getting that far, in video games terms it’s like you’re being inducted into the leaderboard of people who have actually read The Tunnel. Although it has a more literary meaning than that and it’s not entirely unambiguously certain that Kohler is talking to the real reader there.

>the author has no wife or kids, thus dedicates it to his dog

>author tells me to kill myself
>realize the author is one of the voices
>the antichrist must be defeat

>author starts the book with a boomer anecdote wall of text spanning 10 pages, and not in any way related to the book
>this book is for: *names every group of people in the world*

>>19077666
underrated post

>author dedicates the book to his secret gay lover

>the author dedicates the book to the virgin Mary, queen of heaven

You may be "author thanking the reader" cringe

But you'll never be "Joan Baez thanking the listener on the notes on the back of her album 'Farewell Angelina' " cringe

>>19078772
Baezed

>Author tells you yo check out that other book of him if you want to learn more about a particular topic
>No copies of that other book have survived to our time

>In closing, gentle reader, I'd like to thank you. `What's that?' you say? Me thanking you? No, it's not a misprint, for you see, I enjoyed writing this book as much as you enjoyed reading it. The End.

>the author refers to you by your full name and address

>>19077115
>the author stops writing his overrated pulp fantasy series 3 books before the ending but keeps lying it will be finished despite he's nothing but a childless disgustingly obese geriatric neckbeard that can die any moment

>The author threatens to rape you

>"The present author urges the reader to find more information about this topic on his or her own".

>>19077176
Female hands drew this. Is Pepe nearly done?

>>19077115
>the author says the careful reader will remember X

>>19079261
>her
Yeah, right, good luck with that, pal

Book is dedicated to his stolen foreskin

>>19078772
Joanie is based

>>19078772
I'm special

>>19078693
Every time.

>author says "I should have liked to produce a good book. This has not come about." in the introduction.

>>19077115
>author calls you a failure and is disappointed in you
>the agents in van outside your house starts aiming their brain fryer directly at your head