/lit/ - Literature

>>15319220
Existential depression is draining but I'm managing to get out of bed, work out, read, college etc...

I'm going to see a psychiatrist soon.

Wish me luck, anons.

>>15319220
bad

Super depressed and angry with no way to express it bro, hbu?

i think it's too late to change my hikikomori ways

So fucking sick of the lockdown

>>15319220
lonely, horny, bored, drinking too much, etc.

>>15319220
Been having a derealization episode the past few days. Been idealizing suicide. Not eating. The usual.

On the bright side I saw Evangelion for the first time since I was a teenager. So it made a lot more sense.

>>15319545
What triggers your derealization?

I've been experiencing the same for over a year.

The girls in my neighbourhood are horny af since the quarantine started. They all stare intensely when I walk by them. Anyway I went trekking through the woods and saw a pair of coyotes. It was nice.

>>15319599
>The girls in my neighbourhood are horny af since the quarantine started
where?

>>15319545
Tell me about Eva. Is it actually good in a philosophical context, or is it just usual weebcore?

>>15319220
feeling like a cringelord kinda lashed out telling my ex things i had on my chest and got a classic thot npc response lmao

>>15319618
They aren’t desperate enough to fuck you though.

>>15319524
It's never too late bro, you can do it. You only get this one life, even if it's later than for other people you can still start living.

>>15319646
>you only get this one life
get out bluepilled normie the suffering is eternal

>>15319570
I dunno. I'm fairly new to the derealization aspect of it. This is like only the 3rd or so time I've had it non-drug induced.

>>15319631
I think it was better the 2nd time around. But I'm probably not the person to ask. I'm a bit of a midwit. But there is this bottled emotion that finally gets let out around ep. 16 or so. There it starts entertaining more surreal ways of getting it's message across and getting into characters personal reasons for existing.

Downside is that it is wrapped up in weeb style shit just because it looks cool. Like all of the religious shit is just in there because it's cool imo.

Got back into school after years of living like Suttree

>>15319220
i feel great

I'm feeling and looking better than ever. It'd be nice to get a girlfriend, maybe after the lockdown, but I'm not very social and I love rarely.

>>15319692
based

Not sure what to do for my college major. Not sure how to live the rest of my life. Not sure how to make myself happy. Not sure how to succeed.

>>15319839
Same. I've been working some part-time jobs as I think about what I want to do. I'm 24 and I feel as if I'm on my deathbed. I don't even know where to begin. Almost everyone I knew growing up has a job, finished college, is married, etc. I feel like I'm going to turn 40 one day, wonder what the fuck happened, and then end it.

i just finished an essay about feminism and the civil law regarding sexual assault and rape, consent etc., which im incredibly proud and happy with. reading it over, i feel like raskolnikov when he notices that he's been published for the first time and that special electric feeling courses through his blood and bones

to quote jack horner: this is the essay, i want them to remember me by
'it's a real piece of academic commentary, jack'

>>15319932
is your thesis how the law is becoming increasingly weaponized by feminists who are not interested in due process, fair cross examinations, or innocent until proven guilty?

I keep fucking moodflipping between periods of resolve and determination to periods of self hatred and catatonic depression, like a god damn woman
Half of my behaviors and habits are those of women, why am I such an effeminate faggot bitch? Why is it so hard for me to just man up? Why can't I have a stable and healthy outlook on life? Why do I keep looking at my far off goals and thinking to myself that I'll never reach them instead of calmly and clinically taking them step by step? Why am I so impatient? Why do I want everything at once? Why does the slightest struggle or test of endurance spur me to give up insgead of trudge on and overcome?

Why am I so weak?

>>15319969
same bro if you find an answer (you) me, i thought I'd man up when getting older but it seems that i only get weaker and worse i even bought test injections and planned get on gear but im to much of a pussy to even use it

>>15319969
genetics

>>15319987
Test injections aren't the answer. It's a "quick fix" that just covers up the core issue instead of fixing the underlying issues, which is probably lifestyle related. Plus test injections will give you bitch tits.

>>15319993
I refuse to believe that genetics will completely determine my fate. I have to believe that I can change.

>>15319969
stop defining me

Going a bit stir crazy but work is easy, I finished paying off my 26k loan, and I got 25k words into the second draft of my romance novel.

Graduated with my english degree the other day. I was the anon who asked everywhere about it like a fag.
I'm doing okay. Realized I want to work in a library. Started there, and I'll end there too.

>>15319960
no i was pro feminism, extremely pro

>>15319220
I am not. I just want to be 6 feet under

>>15320030
All in one day...?

>>15319969
I feel it anon. Humanity as a whole has the weakness, women are just more prone. And all of humanity has the flippant weeks. Get yourself through your bouts, come out on the other side with a clear head.

>>15319545
Are derealization and dissosociating the same thing or am I confused?

>>15319641
>oof

In positive words me and my ex are technically talking again.

>>15319969
You're seeing parts of yourself as enemies to be defeated, rather than parts of you to be integrated. The parts of you that you call effeminate aren't going to go away by (ironically) getting emotional about them, and they aren't going to disappear because you wish they would.

You don't get to be born the way you think you should be, you are born the way you are. You either learn to work WITH what you are by channeling it into a worthwhile life, like learning to dance with an unfamiliar dance partner, or you can constantly bicker with yourself and be rendered useless as all your energies are channeled into negating yourself.

Don't take an image of a life and emulate it, take what you are and work with it

>>15320012
It's a tough pill to swallow. If you look through your recent family tree, you'll almost certainly find an older relative just like you.

>>15320096
I don't see how I am supposed to do that and still seek greatness. No respectable person has ever had those "qualities".

I'm ok I guess
I'm thinking of going to college just to socialize cuz I've been a lonely hermit for the last 3 years and I just can't keep going like this. I hate this consoomer lifestyle so much.
I want to socialize and have friends so badly but I'm just really bad at it, you feel me fellas?
the problem is that I probably have aspergers (undiagnosed) so sometimes I say some really stupid shit without realizing it and I often don't understand when someone's "fucking with me" and I get really emotinally frustrated when I do/say something wrong.
I also mumble a lot which makes people think I'm fucking stupid and to a certain degree they're right but I'd still position myself as above average in terms of intellect and pure intelligence but it just never comes across bc I talk like a fucking retard
Oh and I want to be a filmmaker but I don't know how to go about it. Sure I could just buy a decent camera and go out to film stuff but my town is fucking boring and I literally have no friends as I said so yeah fuck that idea I guess
I hate to go the typical academic route like everyone else but apparently it's the only option for a loser like me

>>15319507

I started going to the gym and was running 6 miles a day every morning for about a month before lockdown. Now I'm fatter and more depressed than I was when I started.

>>15320746
kek

Just got a bottle of vintage Nembutal. Gonna go into one last dreamless slumber. So long suckers, life fucking sucks.

Doing alright, fapping 3-5 times a day, practicing guitar, playing vidya. No GF but it could be worse.

>>15320832
>Nembutal
Where 2 cop?

>>15320832
Vintage Nembutal, what?

>>15320973
Damn, is everyone on this board suicidal?

>>15319969
Why is a question for narcissists. It's doesn't matter, it's not about. Start asking how.

>>15321168
>*about you

>>15321159
Where do you think you are?

>>15319969
Sounds like you just have low testosterone anon, go see a doctor

I MUST WRITE
>lol no bro, read these dozen and a half books first for prerequisite research and composition
haven't been sleeping well, too agitated. thank god for quarantine coinciding with my manic episode.
>i was sick, but now i'm well again, and there's work to do
>9000 captchas later
>>15319969
iktf
>>15321159
...are you not? I'm waiting until at least age 39. If it was good enough for Dazai it's good enough for me.

>>15319220
I am a CS major and I need to study a ton. I dread starting out of fear of being overwhelmed while I get more and more behind. I put of reading because I need to study but then I put of studying as well and end up in this 4chan timesink. I am a terrible person and I feel like shit. At this pace I will have my bachlors at 28. I wish I was smarter atleast. Still have anxiety from studying my ass for for maths and gloriously failing. I hate life, I really dont enjoy it.

>>15320096
Sounds stupid. Why the fuck would I want to "integrate" weakness instead of eliminate it?

Hey could anyone start me with nietzsche. Which book first? Just got back into reading so my comprehension is a bit retarded

>>15321450
Why why why. You love it don't you. The only question that doesn't foster change and is all about you.

Things have finally eased up enough here so that I could get a long overdue haircut. It's amazing how much not looking like a homeless man improves ones mood.

>>15321461
Yeah, it is all about me, considering I'm the topic of discussion at hand, asshole.

>>15319518
Buy a dog and stab it to death. If I was smarter and had more money that's what I would do. I would drive to the fucking shelter, pick one up and get stabbing.

>>15321475
Narcissist confirmed. I could answer all the whys you can ask and it still wouldn't help you.

>>15319969
Yeah, I feel the same way. I think if I could take my aggression out and stab yellow slant-eye dog eater or one of the wetbacks, I would have a good few months cool down period where I am back to normal. That feeling of power would really make me feel better.

>>15321489
Explain.

>>15321554
Literally if I could just see her die and slice her sex organs off, that alone would cool me down for a bit.

>>15321576
Try simulating it.

>23 years old
>nearly all my childhood friends are dead or in jail
>best buddy got addicted to crack and heroin and just kind of dropped off the map. last I heard he stole a bunch of shit from my dad and his lil bro was working as a slave for some drug cartel paying off debt
>firsthand witnessed multiple people murdered
>used to suffer from PTSD now I just feel a deep apathy inside
>got into an elite top tier uni then got bullied out of it, lost tens of thousands of dollars in savings plus wrecked grades so I can't ever go back
>spent two years living in poverty drifting from one community college to the next failing courses while doing unskilled bottom feeder labour
>spent last winter living in immigrant share-house/slum with six single latino men, used to study in the fire escape because it was the only time I could be alone
>broke up with fiance because she was a bitch and kept putting me down, she got a new boyfriend within two weeks, I haven't touched a women in months
>swing between feeling dead inside and despair
>should probably talk to a therapist but I wont
>seems like everyone my own age is holed up in gated university communities
>only interactions were with 50y/o Filipino boomers in the factory I was working at
>can't connect with people anyways
>now I don't leave the house at all, just collect welfare and shitpost/read books
>currently living in parent's basement, feels like I'm a teenager again but every time I look in the mirror my hair is thinning
>life just feels like a deep pit and I don't know if I've got the strength left to pull myself out
At least I have you guys

>>15321996
Which Delon kino is the pic related from? I can't lie and say I haven't put on Jef Costello's vacant stare in some social situations to cope

>>15322023
Plein soleil. It's about a prole wagecuck who murders a rich kid and steals his identity/lavish life. Based of the book "The Talented Mr. Ripley".

Great film. There's also an English film adaptation which has maybe more character development, but makes the MC into a repressed homosexual whereas the French version has the MC as a stone cold killer.

Inspired me to start practicing forgery as a hobby.

>>15321996
Cheer up bud. Just be yourself

>tfw in your mid 20s and your parents are your only friends

>>15322176
wanna be friends?
what's your fav pokemon?

>>15322187
blastoise

>>15322231
Sorry, my mom wont let me come over.

>>15321996
>>got into an elite top tier uni then got bullied out of it
no fucking way. how?

>>15322176
i know this feel

>>15322176
>"youll make friends in college easy"
>4 years later
....

I feel so bored all the time
I never want to do anything
Everybody just annoys me
I'm 22 now and there's never been a time when it hasn't been like this
I wouldn't even say I feel sad.
I used to feel very sad back when I was desperate for my first gf
As if it would mean anything whatsoever
but now I have one and she just annoys me too.
I just feel tired and thoroughly unimpressed with this planet.

I wish there was a way to convince my mom that I've been thinking it over rationally for pretty much my entire life and am now certain that existing in the world is just not the job for me. There's nothing this world has to offer me that can compare with the serene black peace I enjoyed before 1997.

>>15322256
False hug accusation (not even rape, a fucking hug).
Group of cuntbag students started following me around harassing me every time I went to campus events.
Tried to complain to the administration but they refused to do anything. Eventually told me I could take it up with student government (they have this retarded system where instead of enforcing rules they just let student government do it). Since the student government kids were friends with some of the people harassing me, they outright threatened me with institutional punishment if I went forward with my complaint.
Also got labeled a racist because I made fun of the establishment of a race segregated student dorm being set up by the student """"anti-racist"""" group. Basically ended up completely socially ostracized and it was obvious that the administration didn't give a flying fuck about me.
My mental health wasn't great because, like I said, I'd watched a couple people die months before going to school.
Posted my story a couple times on 4chan because you guys are the only people who care. You can probably find it in more detail in the archive.
Now I just shitpost on 4chan and smoke weed all day.
I don't think I'm even capable of happiness at this point. Haven't felt it in years.

>>15322454
>False hug accusation (not even rape, a fucking hug).
Story?

>>15322490
Helped walk a drunk girl home from a party.
She tried to drunkenly come onto me and I told her I'm not going to hook up with a drunk girl.
Next day she accused me of hugging her "in a sexual manner" and sticking my head in her breasts.
Multiple witnesses who were with me the whole night verified that I was a gentleman, school launched an investigation and found nothing, but I still got banned from parts of campus and slandered as a rapist by bitchy SJWs.

>>15322553
Should have just fucked her and videoed it g.

>>15319220
I keep having dreams about my time in school, even though there's nothing to remember me about when I am awake.

Why do I never wake up and feel good?

>>15319631
its weebcore and shinji deserves to burn, I fucking hate him with the core of my being

>>15319220
There is no pills for this Pain. The inescapable dullness of living.

>>15319969
Iktf

>>15322553
Sad story anon, I feel for you. I haven't experience anything as bad as you (for me it's just childhood abuse and such things) but I also have PTSD, it generally manifests as DPDR, anxiety, depression, etc. Couldn't imagine how I would react to wasting so much time and money just to get fucked over for a false accusation, it really puts things into light. One day, though, you will serve a purpose in the movement to fix things, so don't give up yet.

>>15319631
Don't listen to this retard >>15322576; it's good. It's not a work of philosophy. Moreso aesthetics and emotion. Just watch it; it's good anime.

>>15319220
I'm hungry :(

>>15319220
Pain

Physical.

56k words. It keeps me going.

>>15319220
I got a great GF that loves me.
I fight against a lustfull past.
This is my fight.

Keep it strong anons, we'll have to make it there is no other way.

>>15322992
Strength, anon.

>>15322889
Thanks anon. I'm trying to stay positive. It's hard though, all those years of hard work and it just gets flushed in the meanest pettiest way imaginable.... While I'm my most vulnerable too.

I hope I find my purpose some day.

>>15323078
Try to understand that you're part of a bigger picture, remember when you falter that you serve a greater purpose, whatever you choose that to be. Most people here find it in politics, i.e National Socialism, Communism, Fascism, Classical Liberalism, etc. Many also find it in religion. You may find it in one of these; you may instead find it in your family, or your community. Simply try and cultivate the drive to give your suffering up to some greater cause, so that others may be delivered from the pain you've experienced. There are a few, though, who can find this drive within themselves as opposed to attaching to some identity, although I'm not one of them and it is especially difficult.
This is the only way I've figured out how to cope with my PTSD, after spending most of my life wallowing in self-pity and depression I finally feel like I can do something else. If you can bring yourself to it, I would recommend meditation also, it helped me quite a bit with not letting my emotions control me.

Ya knoow what I was thinking? I need a fake p[olice badge. Bundy had a fake badge and he woukld stop women say "you've been speeding lets get back to the station" but then he would just drive them to the woods and decapitate them.

THE PROHETS HERE AND HE IS WICE!
HE HAS COME TO TELL THE WORLD
KILL HIM BEFORE HE TRIES!
KEEP THE ANIMAL INM HIS CAGE

I AM THE REAL MAN
WITH REAL NEEDS
I'LL BRING YOUR WORLD TO ITS KNEES!

Had myself an insane existential crisis last year. Very nearly killed myself.

If it weren't for the love of my family, I know I wouldn't be here right now.

That being said, right now I'm doing alright in comparison. I may be able to hold it off a bit longer.

I know that sooner or later I'll be on that precipice again.

But for now? I'm keeping myself sufficiently distracted. This little pandemic has given me the last month and a half without having to work. At least I have unemployment being paid to do nothing is nice.

>>15319220
It feels like this world is just a cartoon, and it freaks me out to think that we are actually here and that everything works and is alive in some way (serves a purpose). How the fuck did we come here? I'm turning towards God. I think this kind of moment of existential dread is what people call receiving the holy spirit, because in this moment you just can't concieve things coming into existence on their own. Keep meditating and you will have this feeling too, you will belive in God regardless if you want to or not.

>>15319969
I wasn't ready for that

>>15321460
Idk if this chart is legit I haven't read nietzsche because I am degenerate dopamine addict, yesterday anon recommended this chart

>>15321460
Here it is

>>15319220
Every night I hope to die in my sleep. The first thing I always feel in the morning is disappointment.

I have this feeling of emptyness, that there has to be more in life wich i am unable to grasp.

I'm in love with my best buddy gf.

>>15322454
stay strong anon, don't go hollow

>>15322454
>Posted my story a couple times on 4chan because you guys are the only people who care.
For how shitty this Vietnamese rice-farming forum is, I've interacted with some genuinely good and empathetic anons in /lit/

>>15321489
>>15321554
Okay, I actually looked up NPD and... yeah. I should go see a shrink. I think you're right. Thanks, Anon.

>>15322784
Come here anon, iktf

>>15320351

"respectable" people have had all kinds of qualities

"respectability" is a spook and always has been. basic stuff, really

I just want to happy and appreciate the beauty like women who're more with nature. However nature doesnt captivate me beyond "its pretty or not" and i want women annoying due to sexuality and chaotic natute. I dont know what to do and i dont feel liberated by being jaded cynic.

>>15322454
>>15322553

Millennials' children are going to rebel so hard. Boomers are bad but Millennials are bad in the way Boomers' parents were. Talk about borg-like conformists. The hive rejected you with maximum efficiency. Damn.

>>15319530
Yep. These. Fuck I need to cut back on drinking but it's the only thing that seems to help me pass the time in the evenings. During the day I'm fine, plenty to do around the house. I just love starting to work on a buzz around 3 or 4 pm and gradually build up into a solid drunk and listen to music and watch mindless tv shows.

Gotta buck the drink one night, hangover the next day.... Drink the day after that. Half a handle every other day is not going to do my liver any favors. Today is one of those days, gotta try and resist... Good luck, dude. I think we'll both need it.

my head has been killing me all fucking day. now it is night and i'm lying in bed and my head hurts so much i'm going delirious. no painkillers help.

I still think about the time we spoke for the last few hours of that party. It really felt like it could have went somewhere. I still think about her and she probably doesn't think of me. And it's too far gone to reconnect. What happened since then has only deteriorated our relationship.

>>15324626
I used to drink every evening to pass the time and I've eventually reached a point where I no longer feel the need to. I just got so sick of feeling hungover the next day. Even when I'd got enough sleep I'd just feel kinda shit for the whole next. Sometimes not in a major way, but enough to feel off. One day I made myself so sick the next day it was the straw that broke the camels back and I was like fuck it. I had to get all the alcohol out of my house, and without access to it the temptation was largely removed. I feel sooooooo much better in the mornings without alcohol in my system, and I have more clarity and energy throughout the day. I still drink with friends and everything but I've made a promise to myself to not drink at home. I never really had a drinking problem or anything, but I'm glad I nipped the habit in the bud.

Billy killed the dago tard
Billy killed the dago tard
his knife came and stabbed your heart

>>15324729
Robby raped the wop faggot
Robby raped the wop faggot
his dick came out in front of everybody at the school assembly
how embarrassing!

>>15324735
I wish I had money and my own place and was doing well. I wouldn't even think of these walking piles of trash, let alone begging them for money.

>>15324735
Literally if J came back and I had money, things would be so perfect. I would cut the rest of the world out of my life entirely. I wouldn't be some loser ranting about how an asian cunt won't give me money.

>>15319220
Had a dream about pet-playing in a hotel that was obviously the receptical of people going to a fetish event. Wandered around the corridors and stared into the empty rooms that would repeat in a loop until the rooms were suddenly filled with people going from masturbating normally and having vanilla sex to full on fetish orgies involving all sorts of BDSM gear. At some point I said "fuck it" and stripped naked before going into a puppy headspace in my dream and wandering around on all fours occasionally interacting with doms and other pups. It was cozy but then I woke up once the looping corridor no longer looped but instead tapered off and I reached the end of it. Got up, said hi to my roommates before making some breakfast and then sat down here to type this shit. Everyone have a cozy day, you're worth more than you think you are.

>>15324752
Sounds good anon. I had a dream last night that JFK survived his assassination and went into hiding, then revealed himself in 2020 and immediately got shot in the head again.

I would never even visit this site or think of any of you. If I open a book, I will see that turk idiot's face or that spic idiot and I will burst into tears. I can't even focus because my hatred for you all is so intense. I always looked down on most of you but it was never this bad.

Oh chinawoman, mein piaoliang, I should have never been so mean to you and this one isn't out of some self-serving interest for money. I genuinely feel bad for mistreating you.

>>15324763
im fucking wheezing

>>15324776
I really just wished I lived in Seattle and led a happy life. Often times, I think of buying a fake police badge so I can stop cars and capture and kill the women. I just want them all to suffer since I am denied happiness. "I didn't do anything to you." Nope, but you failed to get her back and make me adequately happy. That is worthy of death.

>>15324776
I was genuinely hoping she would pick up and come over. I would have killed her that very day, I promise you.

Not good. I'm tired of constantly shitting my pants and being in constant stomach pain from ulcerative colitis. I don't know how to find normal people, it seems like everyone is either a braindead NPC normie or a bitter 4chan racist and there's nothing in between. I don't like modern society, it feels more and more artificial and simulated by the day. I hate being exposed to literally thousands of ads daily. Suicide looks more appealing every day.

>>15324783
>>15324789
you ok there pal?

>>15324798
No, get HER back and you know exactly who I fucking mean. I would have no qualms with shooting you or your idiot friend and dumping you in a construction site or a river.

I'm doing alright actually. College has started up again, I'm taking digital classes which I'm enjoying immensely. This last year or so I felt constantly overwhelmed by everything there is in the world, by my need to experience it all. I woke up thinking of everything I might do during the day and all it did was paralyse me.
Now, I have my uni workload, I get up comfortably knowing I can dedicate my time to something worthwhile. I feel as if I'm finally advancing again. I'm studying up on history and learning French, take the occasional stroll through the neighbourhoud that I often deemed a waste of time, I'm not worrying about the backlogs I've accumulated in life or the limited time there is in a day. I can't work at my normal job at the moment which is the only thing putting a damper on my mood, but I've been sending out applications too and hoping it'll sort itself out soon.

>>15324795
I feel brother, wish I knew what to do about it. Maybe we can stand opposite each other in a room and shoot each other at the exact same time. If we miss we have to kiss :3

>>15324803
no thanks

>>15324822
SCREW YOU J YOU FUCKING KUNST I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE!!!!

I want dirty hairy asian cunt. I want to suck on hairy asian cunt and see the black hairs above me. I want to get them in my teeth. I want to taste the sour battery acid taste of cunt juice. I want the smell of cunt in my nostrils. I want the heavy body of an asian cunt thrusting into my mouth and nose.

I have had Indian cunt and Hispanic cunt and plenty of white cunt but no Asian cunt yet. I have had no black cunt but I have made out with black girls. I want to taste all the different cunts I want it I want it.

>>15324834
JUST KILL THEM ALL. SHOOT THEM ALL AND STAB THEM ALL. CUT THEM EAR TO EAR

>>15324831
go outside and enjoy yourself for once pal

>>15324847
I called Fan and I was hoping she would come over. If she had, I would have stabbed her to death that very day, I promise you. I would have driven her and buried her somewhere no one would find her.

>>15324852
didnt ask dont care

>>15324855
Good. I don't care if she dies and neither do you. That makes two of us.

>>15319631
It’s weebcore for pseuds

>>15324847
im gangstalked by the police vveyr time i leave the house and followed by people in the prk weher it is too loud and insufferable incessant noise and fear and in the shopes all the lights are turned up to be too bright when i come in and the security men follow me around and look in m yy eyes and try to make me undcompfortable and leave and yesterday i n some small shop there wear e miltuople people blocking the doorway and refucsing to look at me when i cam in so i had to loiter and linger aroiund and wait for them to go and idepsite the is the shopheeper tries d to get me to dgibve him the money anywya and afterwards i saw pepole hwo new me trying to talk to me on the tstreet and there werew all kinds of peple on the streets looking at me andt out of windows in houses and flats

>>15324862
whatever, just go outside for once pal. Smell the flowers, let your feet feel the grass and lower your cortisol pal.

>>15324855
It's fine if you dislike me, I get it, but can you make them stop harassing me? Day after day, for literally a decade. Can't they move on and stop antagonizing me?

>>15319969
Nofap, cold showers, exercise and paleo diet. Just do it daggot.

>>15324867
take your meds

>>15324871
I didn't like that idiot a decade ago and I sure as Hell don't now.

>>15321168
based

>>15324752
porned and coompilled

My college is paying eminent students to call the residents every week and ask if they are okay.
I'd be ok if they didn't close the campus gym and remove my kitchen access while INCREASING RENT, I'm eating cold baked beans in a metropolitan cupboard room like I'm HP Lovecraft and they're improving my "wellbeing" by organizing dance parties over zoom? Good to see my money is going to good use. I shit on their name as soon as I get out of here. I will win

>>15324962
>I'm eating cold baked beans in a metropolitan cupboard room like I'm HP Lovecraft
im fucking crying with laughter my sides

>>15322992
Based

>>15324663
Good on ya man. I know exactly the feeling you're referring to. I can go 4 or 5 days sometimes after my last night of drinking and I feel amazing and am so much more productive. I try and harness that feeling, but I see it as a bit of a reward for me to drink after a super productive day. And the cycle starts again... I'm not a full blown alcoholic, I've already been down that road a few years ago. But I just love to drink. Like anything else, it's just a matter of self control and keeping myself busy. Some days are better than others. Glad you were able to kick it though. It really is an unproductive habit.

Wasted my entire 20s basically sitting on my hands in a job I have for the most part loathed, but which I kept due to the fact I couldn't move home (mom lives with her partner who has his own sons, and is old-fashioned and bull-headed) and because the other jobs I applied for were unsuccessful. All my life I have felt unneeded, unwanted, pathetic, inferior, weird, creepy, childlike, and after gaining a humanities degree and failing to find work I compensated for these feelings by essentially trying myself to the mast of a company I make efforts not to be associated with (online, etc). Haven't taken more than a day of annual leave since January last year, and really I guess I'm just hoping I'll burn myself out to the point where I have no choice but to quit. But that doesn't seem likely so I'm just trying to repress as much as possible, except for days like today where it all comes out and I feel dazed and frantic, wanting to escape into sleep even though I slept eleven hours last night.

I'm looking at people my age like a child would look at an adult; I am inexperienced, still scared of the world, prone to catastrophic thinking (i.e., if I quit this job I'm fucked forever), and still acting like the repressed sycophant which I've tended to play in order to impress figures of authority to a pathetic degree. I assume in general that I am a drain on other people's time and so make no effort to talk to anyone IRL in a way that may lead to my forming a bond let alone a relationship. Every adult male to me seems like an unsatisfiable figure of objective authority and I don't know how to be around adult males without trying to please them even if it's at my own expense. No charisma and what were left of my physical looks have now degraded, probably in part to me recent drinking habit and 5+ cigarettes a day. I'm essentially a manchild, a puer aeternus, and what's worse is that I see no future for myself due to the fact that I have done things in life which have made me rather prominent at one time but which retrospectively will be viewed as me lying, which is something that has ruined my conscience to the point where all I want to do is sleep and smoke cigarettes (which I don't really enjoy doing).

Repeated urges to resign from my job and disappear for a while, maybe hiking across Europe or something, but really all I need (I think) is a steady job which I am not ashamed of, pays okay, and isn't more than 9-5. I literally for whatever reason can't imagine finding a girlfriend and being content living a life without writing in the hope of publication and validation. Life without writing seems pointless, but I no longer support my ambitions to write because I am ashamed of who I am and the things I have done which are contrary to my usually quite strict ethical compass. Not really sure what the future holds but really short of being able to go back several years and try again to live a more stable, all I'm doing is hiding away waiting for death.

Has anyone experienced the feeling of wanting to cry but not being able to actually physically cry? It seems to happen to me on semi-regular basis as of recent. Even if I was to cry, I wouldn't do it in front of anyone.

>>15321996
>>currently living in parent's basement, feels like I'm a teenager again but every time I look in the mirror my hair is thinning
>>life just feels like a deep pit and I don't know if I've got the strength left to pull myself out
You are young anon. Plenty of time to turn things around if you want to.

>>15324622
>Millennials are bad in the way Boomers' parents were
They are worse. The so-called "Greatest Generation" was still productive and did real labor and work, which is more than you can say for Millenials who have by and large gone into the service industry and 'creative' industry. And at least in American there was still a stream of rugged individualism running through the culture that we lack today (you can witness this in the decline of western movies desu senpai).

Am I okay? I don't know. I'm turning 23 next month, and don't know what I'm doing. I want to go to graduate school, that's for sure, but increasingly I have an overwhelming desire to leave the united states and never, ever return. I'm sick of living here. I'm sick of having degrading jobs and no outlet. I'm sick of the vitriol and unimaginable stupidity I see every single day of my life. I'm sick of reactionaries and pseudo-leftists, vain insecurity disguised hyper-irony, depressing nights thinking about doing anything else.

I'm increasingly fixated on trying to raise enough money to escape to Portugal, which is cheap, quiet, under-populated, left-leaning, irrelevant. I want, desperately, to learn Portuguese, apply for one of their universities, teach english for rich kids or in some high-school in a beach town. But I know this dream is as false as it is impossible.

>>15319631
It's unironically a good series, regardless of the midwits who rag on it because they don't get it. Try it and form your own opinion.

>>15325195
At this point crying seems so pointless that when my body does for whatever start to cry I don't even react emotionally, and can shut down that emotion right away if I want to.

>>15325409
You should probably cry, my dude

>>15325409
I wonder whether this board simply draws in broken people like ourselves or what one might read in this thread is a microcosm of what a lot of people feel behind closed doors. Bit of column A and a bit of column B I guess.

Btw, same anon you replied to. If it means anything, your suffering moves me and I empathise. We are all objectifications of the same Will.

>>15323673
Same, can you describe what the crisis was like?

>>15320718
Not to discourage you, but if you make friends in college depends on your personality and how open to drink or do other stuff you might not want to do, you are.
Personally I have been studying for 3 years and when I am away from university I don't talk to the people from there at all, just like it is with work colleagues, but that is mostly on me for disliking drinking and other common activities. Other people seem to do well, even if they are a bit awkward

>>15321279
Same boat but younger, took more credits than required this semester because I had to pause for a year and now I have too much to do and can barely deal with it. Not knowing people to ask for help makes it worse too.

>>15325324

we have individualism -- way too much right now, actually -- it just isn't "rugged" because the economy no longer demands it of you. and same with jobs, Millennials are in the service industry because that comprises the bulk of our economy now.

and superhero movies are just Millennial westerns. they'll be largely ignored by succeeding generations

I have begun to embrace my romantic nature. To be honest, it is hard to tell. I never had the desire, for example, to have sex with a bunch of women, but I always wondered if that was a cope because I could not obtain such a thing. However, I think all of this is a shade of grey, I'm sure a lot of religious thinkers have tackled this issue. Am I not a sinner because I'm a coward or because I have a strong will?

Looking deep inside my self, in a navel gazing manner, I know my essence and my values. They come naturally to me. I'm known to me.

>>15324867
Connor please calm down

>>15319220
> Trying to publish the last study for my PhD
> Not sure where I get funding after August
> After graduating the best I can hope is some median paying bullshit deadend job
> 30, completely alone. Used to have a some really good friends, but we live far away from each other now.
> Only "friend" at work is an actual asspie permavirgin with horrible hygiene. He tells me about his depression unsolicited every single week, after which he will bash my research to my face, after it has gotten published in reputable journal/conference. Most likely from jealousy, but he knows the weaknesses of my research. Cant really escape the guy, tho trying to keep the contact to a minimum.
> Trauma from childhood shows in a shitty self image and low self-esteem, alcoholic narcissist loser father still calls me from time to time to tell me what a loser I am, what to spend my money on and to loan him some after he blew his inheritance on booze.
> Born and raised a beta by a single mom, 3 sexual partners in my whole life. No hopes of ever being viewed as anything else other than a provider by women. Will be bad even in providing. My ex-fiance taunted me about being beta multiple times to my face, along with other abuse worsening the self-image issues. Lately only single mothers and women older than me who ask about having children soon seem to even talk to me in online dating sites.
> I find no meaning in my life other than to make my mother proud of her achievement of raising the first academic in the family. Pressure from her is the only reason I am in the university in the first place. Future looks like wageslaving for government/corporation for the next 35-40 years and a middle class life.
> Trying hard to think of reasons to get up from the bed in the morning.

>>15322454
You had to deal with bad karma because of your actions in this life and previous lives. In fact, we’re living in an age where everyone’s karma is accelerating, both for better and for worse, sometimes both in rapid undulation. This is just your bad karma being cleared up. Soon you’ll have new opportunities and a freshened mindset, no need to worry. You always hit rock bottom before you start recuperating, happened to me too.

>>15325545
I don't drink either and I generally keep my distance from drugs in general but I was hoping to meet people with similiar interests. Surely some of these people must be interested in futurology, drain gang and movies right? I just hope to find somebody I could relate to and have fun with. I wouldn't know where else to look.
Ofc having a gf would also be nice but that seems like such a reach that it's hardly worth pursuing.

>>15319220
Feels great, I have myself

>>15319969
This is an example of something I have been observing for a while and have been working on a way to articulate. Basically, the most visible outcome of the West’s inability to acknowledge a hierarchy of values is that nobody knows *how to be.* I.e. because there is no objective ideal against which one, nobody can really evaluate themselves. This leaves one totally dependent on a society (which nobody really likes) for their sense of self, and since no “higher” ideals can be formed, what ends up occupying people’s minds is the pursuit of the most base expressions of raw power and domination — sex, money, clout, dissipation — even though, almost to a man, this is not what people claim to value.
A further consequence is the experience by the individual of the judgement of the non-society, and it’s lack of ideals as anxiety (am I valued?) or depression (I am not valued). And there is no escape from this situation, because paradoxically, the flattening of all hierarchies has meant that there is no hierarchy of values (aside crude domination) which one can ascend. People end up making abortive attempt after abortive attempt to “improve,” but cannot because that concept has no value in a society that has reached a state of relativism as advanced as ours.

>>15321996
I don't usually do this but fuck anon I hope it gets better.

Sometimes I can't even fathom that some people have gone through some genuine shit, unlike me.

Well i'm gonna be in jail this time next week because my father continually slanders and invents accusations against me to punish me for a sex offence I committed when I was 12 years old.
As I refuse to spend a single night homeless, I'm either going to turn myself in or, failing that, commit yet another hideous crime just to keep myself off of the streets.
Fun times ahead, lad. I'm not too panicked about it, however, my psychoses numbed my capacity for fear and dread, rendering me consciously, rationally, almost mechanically able to identify exactly what must be done to save myself.
And the more I talk with Him, the more I feel God is on my side.
That aside, I'm doing fine. How goes it with you, lad?

>>15325711
>but I always wondered if that was a cope because I could not obtain such a thing
I can say with some confidence that if you could, you *would* get laid with different women. But you'd hate it, because that's not what you want.

>>15319220
I gotta try to stay cheerful, but it is tough when you are able to use critical thinking and put 2 and 2 together. the lockdown was supposed to give the hospitals time to "catch up", but the hospitals are all empty! The news media are actually faking footage now! Look at this:

https://www.bitchute.com/video/oQWRCECbN-Y/

Doctors and nurses have so little to do that they create complex stage shows, dancing through the empty hospitals on tik tok videos while people who need treatment are turned away to make room for nonexistent corona flu patients. NOW they want us locked down until they have some untested experimental "vaccine" which they propose to force on us all. No one will be allowed to travel, buy food or do banking without a mandatory vaccine. Complete bullshit. No vaccine for me, I will live under a bridge first.

>>15326403
Yeah, originally the lockdown was to slow the spread and allow hospitals to deal with the overload. THERE IS NO OVERLOAD. Latest numbers from calif show that Corona is justthe flu, at least 50X LESS deadlythan they thought.

>>15326181
Nietzsche predicted this.

>>15321450
Because that's the point when it stops being a weakness.

>>15326425
74k have died of the rona in the US, and it’s May 10th. Not to mention the second wave will likely be deadlier.

>>15326464
That is 0.02% of the US population. And a full quarter of those deaths were in New York, which is a shithole I hope to never again visit.

And for this we have shut down the entire country's economy and ability to congregate and tarvel? Fuck that.

>>15326516
>whats the point of measures that prevent deaths? look at how few have died!

>>15325181
I feel you bro, stay strong

>>15326614
The Kung Flu has been here since December. Most of the country is well prepared to deal with it. But because the pollution, unheathiness, and medical system of New York City is basically 3rd world in quality (and therefore Coronachan is much more lethal there) we have massively overreacted throughout the rest of the country where it is essentially a particularly bad flu.

>>15326614
The problem comes with the many more lives that have been ruined from shutting down the economy, the exact numbers of which we do not have yet

>>15319507

I'll be your psychiatrist.

What brings you joy?
Reflect on that. Focus only on that.
It is an answer only you can give, nobody else.

You have to dig deep for this, as one does when mining for gold.

Find this joy, your gold, then seek it everywhere, in every day of your life. Maybe the joy is a tiny dim light in the beginning, barely discoverable in your current day to day life, but it will soon be found everywhere, like the sun at dawn.

This is now the guiding force for your life. Trust the process and you will be rewarded.

>>15326640
It's killing a shitton of people everywhere it spreads untapped. Just in my country it killed a bunch of elderly in a retirement home.

I know
>wow, just a bunch of old people, who cares
But are you gonna just go around telling old people they're gonna die?

And you realize the strain it would put on medicine? Eg do you know why some young doctors with no underlying disease have died? It's because they get a massive exposure. We're talking about the physical amount of virus.

>>15326655
Yes, it's a question of balancing the ends. Like everything. But you're speaking from a point of ignorance. We've no idea how bad it would've gotten if left be.

>>15326655
So rather than protest the system that threatens you with starvation if you don’t work for 2 months, you clamor for a return to wage slavery?

>>15322187
Milotic duh!

>>15326694
>But are you gonna just go around telling old people they're gonna die?
Not just old people. News flash for you anon: you are going to die. I will too. So too will every other anon posting here. No human is immortal.

>>15326792
Egad, you’re right! Let’s just nuke the earth and get it all over with, then.

>>15326814
Not the point, you silly goose.

I'm doing pretty well but hate that I failed the road test three times before lockdown and now there are no road tests. I did a bunch of paid lessons and practice with family and it goes so well, but whenever the examiners start talking to me I go full-blown panic and all of a sudden I'm Hans Moleman behind the wheel.

>>15319220
>Finished engineering degree
>Feel like a complete retard, scared that I might get fired immediately if I get a job
I know what imposter syndrome is, and it is certainly not that.

>>15319631
It's a good show but the people who attribute philosophical greatness to it are compensating for watching anime instead of actually reading philosophy/literature

>>15319220
I want to read the Bible but i keep putting it off and have 1-2 day breaks between reading. Feelsguy.jpg

>>15326792
Yes lets scrap the whole medicine project then. Man what a colossal failure, we're gonna die regardless!

>>15327669
Again, you're missing the point. This is a bad flu, and we've shut down the world economy over it.

>>15321450
Unironically read Hegel

>>15321168
Not sure I understand. Can you elaborate based anonkun

>>15321268
People who post here keep recommending this, therefore it must have not worked or you are LARPing.

>>15320915
Christ, is she 4 foot tall?

>>15322357
How about taking LSD, anon?

Rose, I know you think it's a joke but if I could I would bound your daughter's hands together and remove her insides like she was a fish. I would make her face into a mask if I could and use it to frighten my other victims.

>>15319220

Quite horribly
I feel bad both mentally and physically
My sleep quality has been poor lately
Even just sitting at my desk is uncomfortable
I've been getting depressed far more frequently than normal an order of magnitude more and in more varied ways
I'm doing poorly in school it provides me nothing but stress and pressure
My life has stagnated as I am now I have no future I'd be lucky to be a menial laborer for the rest of my life a line of work I'm undoubtedly not cut out for
I don't read I don't write I feel as though I am barely hanging onto life by the fingertips
I haven't imploded yet but I can feel it inching closer every day
I'm pretty sure I have cavities and my wrist is sore

>>15328089
I've already tried LSD a few times. 4/6 times it just gave me a bad trip.

>no degree
>no friends
>still living in my childhood bedroom
>work in retail with no hope of anything better
>in my late 20s

Not looking so good bros...

For the last few years from the end of highschool well into university I've felt kind of disconnected but in a way that's hard to explain, I'm sure someone can relate. It's as if my vision isn't exactly focused onto the world and my mind is zoning out and floating away.

I stopped going to classes this semester and lives as a hermit. I'm probably going to drop out of college and become a monk.

>>15328370
Me too, anon.

University, indeed the entire modern world, just sucks so much. Fuck a job, i'm gonna be an e-monk.

I think I'm reaching critical depression levels. All I do is just sit in the same fucking place all the time. I barely sleep anymore. Barely eat. I'm literally wasting away. At least I've done quite a bit of reading and film watching. Barely distracts me from the horror of it all.

>>15319220
privileged enough to finish up a degree with a great GPA, and coauthored a paper with my professor. landed a great career where everyone loves me. i should be happy, but i've more days of suicide than ever. been cutting myself to get me a good high. holding up well for right now.

>>15328449
I want to cut myself.

>>15320054
Then why are you proud of it

I've been alone for close to a decade now. At this point, I don't say this with any emotion attached. I have almost no family. I used to have a circle of friends that I began shedding around high school losing all but one that I now live 1000 miles away from and rarely speak to. In retrospective, I've purposefully distanced myself from all those near me and was not able to present myself as a human to maintain relationships with others. I've long lost any relationships I've had with girls. Sexual desire has become detached from everything else and is is becoming the equivalent of hideous grotesque sore that must be treated habitually but has little chance of healing. Oddly enough, I don't desperately long for human contact at this point as I've had in the beginning of my self forced isolation. I do everything I can to minimize going out around other humans for the last decade, moving into a sparsely populated area and bulk/online shopping. I work in front of a computer, and then continue to sit in front of one 16-18 hours a day, every day. I go running sometimes but when I return, I have a rush of energy that turns into a severe down state.

I read a lot on many subjects but find myself removed and detached from the majority. I have lost interest in consumption, film, and video games over the years. I have money and have been keeping myself busy investing and maintaining a decent income/skillset.


I was going to travel before all this bullshit but my fear is that the rest of the world is just the same or worse than what I have already seen, simply different shades.

I don't know where I'm going.

>>15328681
take the trip. maybe get in over your head but nothing incredibly risky. be someone different. you might as well try

>>15328536
Why was your mom proud of the day her husband's testicles and tongue were sliced off?

>>15328284
yes, thinking back this started for me mid high school, and by university I caved into myself, abandoning those around me. Since, I drifted far away from everything and everyone I knew, and now I feel like I drifted out into the middle of some ocean, with nothingness in every direction I look.
In short, I don't think what you're experiencing is a good sign. I suggest taking it as a warning.

Someone explain to me, if I have to go through all my life suffering and in pain why the FUCK should I spare even a single one of you?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKEH2x9o0ms

>>15319599
>The girls in my neighbourhood are horny af since the quarantine started

God I’ve noticed this too, I’ve had at least 2x the usual smiles from girls

>>15320832
based.

>>15320973
leave your email if serious.

>>15328809
NO ONE FUCKING CARES. NO ONE GIVES A SHIT. SAYT IT FIFTY MORE FUCKING TIMES AND I STILL WONT FUCKING CARE.

>>15328787
I will. I want to see various natural settings. Physical risk doesn't bother me. I find myself at relative peace when I am alone in remote natural settings, and feel strangely invincible.
I can't bring myself to be around people in a social sense. I find I don't have anything to say, no matter how hard I try. I know this might sound awfully corny, but I really forgot how to smile and hold superficial conversation. Mental deterioration I suppose

Mr. D, you believe me, right? I'm going to kill A LOT of people one day and there will be nothing you can do stop me. You know I am speaking the truth?

If I could, I would even tie your own wife up and slice her breasts off. If she tried to struggle, I would stab her twice as hard and just laugh.

>>15324332
Buddy, how about you just start it and see if you can connect with it?

>>15324386
That's tough. Remember that you are not your thoughts, and that love needs your permission to blossom.

>>15319220
Turning 32 soon. Not bad, jobwise, financially and in a relationship for almost seven years.
I feel like a fraud every day and nothing I does makes it better, I can't really remember the last time I actually felt content. Drinking doesn't help.

>>15328916
what do you think would make you feel genuine?
I'm guessing you wouldn't know yourself as this is a difficult question to answer

>>15319631
It's pretty lit, not /lit/ but, lit.

>>15328199
>I'm doing poorly in school it provides me nothing but stress and pressure
school/work is the only thing that kept me out of a deeper hole. When I was in uni, I used to procrastinate until last second, and then binge work/study. Had good grades as a result but was exhausted and even worse off.
In retrospect, I realize that this was a risk reward mechanism I was forcing myself into that I became addicted to. It felt good to squeeze by in last second and perform.

If you can make it through school and/or get a steady job, you may save yourself temporarily at least. There's always the emptiness to deal with

>>15328945
Over the last few years I could distill two notions:

1. Do/make something that helps humanity
2. Die for a good cause

I know both are rather vague, but I wasn't able to properly act on anything, because helping humanity is a huge undertaking and it's not like I will invent something great tomorrow. And the second one, I frankly can't think of a cause good enough to die for. Maybe save a drowning child and drown myself or something like that. I don't know, it's dumb and naive and someone my age should know better what they want.

>>15325894
>> 30, completely alone. Used to have a some really good friends, but we live far away from each other now.
In the same boat. I've lost all but one friend. We grew up together, he's married and lives across the country seemingly much happier with a fraction of my wealth.
>My ex-fiance taunted me about being beta multiple times to my face, along with other abuse worsening the self-image issues.
Love yourself before trying to love anyone else. Having a parasite whore in your life will only drag you down deeper.

>> Trying hard to think of reasons to get up from the bed in the morning.
The fact that you could leave everything behind and live in a cave for all that you care. As long as you still have and love yourself. Nothing is permanent

>>15329040
I suppose we're different at a fundamental level. I have a difficult time seeing value in any causes or humanity in general. Perhaps selfish but I think core reason goes deeper than that

>>15325195
>>15325409
I can't cry unless I get blind drunk. I haven't been able to cry sober for years.
When I am hammered and crying it seems crystal clear what I am crying about however, I can never remember the reason the next day.

>>15325195
Quit porn and video games. I was numb for a long time too

>>15329040
>Maybe save a drowning child and drown myself or something like that. I don't know, it's dumb and naive and someone my age should know better what they want.
I fantasize about the same thing all the time anon. Dying saving a kid from a fire. No memorial, no funeral, just a way to go out with a semblance of dignity.

>>15319220
A month ago I promised my director I would have a project 100% done by the end of next week. My progress has only left me about 45% done. I wanted to look strong and confident. Now I don't know how to feel about myself. Just ambivalent.

>>15327833
Let's quote the seminal text on the matter:

>"...nobody asking "why" ever intended to change (in the wider sense, of act). With exceedingly rare exceptions the asker's just looking for some kind of excuse to discard the whole stack -- which is why kids ask it so often. They're not "curious as to how things work", they're trying to produce a list out of the endless pile of nonsense they have to deal with that is sorted by importance. That's how childhood learning works, it's not that they ask why and you explain why and they understand why and now know shit. It's that they ask why and you explain why and they score your explanation for relative importance implied upon the subject of the why and move on. The resulting sorted list is then, sorted and sorted and sorted again, what you misinterpret as "knowledge", but in point of fact until they start doing things on their own they know nothing. Eventually they may start deploying the only productive form of this question, "why are you doing it like that [rather than like this]", but it'll never happen very often mostly because it's the sort of question that requires a very specific audience."

>>15329294
Same here. You've gotta watch out though, sites like this will do it too...

>>15329294
I don't watch porn or play video games though.

>>15328800
shit thanks anon

Quarantine's been lifted here so I went out drinking but now I'm home half drunk and listening to Mat Elliott Drinking Songs while feeling like absolute shit, at least I'll see my friends pretty soon.

>>15325894
This sounds like a great novel that I would read. Not even joking.

>>15319220
Alright, I guess. Had a weird manic realization that things were alright for me after all on a late night drive last night. Sure, things haven't turned out for me like I thought they would, but I have a good writing job (still) and money to piss away on more books than I can read. I also just had my first short story published - kind of peanuts, but it was my English department's undergrad lit magazine. Haven't had a drink in two months and I'm getting back into the loop of exercising. I'm still lonely, but I've been lonely before.

>>15319631
Don’t watch it for philosophy. It’s one of the last gasps of the once great Japanese cinema movements broken into a short series. The inspirations from European cinema, particularly Antonioni and modernist films, are worked in relatively well considering it’s also a show about fighting giant monsters. Don’t get too wound up on it.

i have insomnia and it’s so fucking frustrating, rn it’s 4:50am in france and i’ve been trying sleep since midnight, reading and music is nice but comes a point where i just want to pass the fuck out and SLEEP

>>15330792
I feel you anon, I've struggled with insomnia over the years and there is no worse feeling. It's very hard to explain how crushing it is to somebody who hasn't experienced it. Unfortunately I have never found a specific cure, but do you exercise during the day? Vigorous exercise in the morning will usually make me tired enough by the evening to fall asleep. The problem can sometimes be staying asleep though... and unfortunately the gyms are not open at the moment..

>>15325572
I’m in the same boat except I also picked up a part time data monkey job because I need working experience that isn’t flipping burgers tier and I have very little free time now

Are most of you in mid to late twenties because I am and it fucking sucks.

>>15320915
>fapping 3-5 times a day
anon, I don't think you're doing alright

>>15328284
I wrote a short story relevant to this recently.

I took a two hour walk, down to the beach and back, with my Kindle 3 reading trashy japanese light novel translations and now I'm plumb tuckered out. It's a nice feeling. I'll probably read another chapter in bed in a minute and then pass out.

The only reason I'm still awake and online is I'm trying to put together a curriculum for self-study of the Classics and I'm at the point of finding the best English translation of Homer and a good commentary on it.

>>15319220
I should read more.
Concerned about my academic future.
I need a girlfriend, badly.
Having more and more intrusive thoughts holed up and with family.

>>15330894
>will hit mid 20s soon
>corpocuck shell of a person
>consooming isn't even satisfying
AAAA

>>15331297
In case anybody cares, I've settled on Fagles but plan to go back and read Lattimore at a later point when I'm more familiar with the Greek classics, but I'm intrigued by Emily Wilson's recent translation of The Odyssey. I don't think I'll ever study Ancient Greek and read Homer in the original unless I become fabulously wealthy and retire to a life of leisure.

Its been about 9 months since I read a book cover to cover due to an anxiety disorder that has made it difficult to concentrate while reading.
In that time I've been alternating between school work, video games, Netflix, exercise,and music.
I'm attempting to get back on the /lit/ wagon but I've had horrible time concentrating, however, I've found I'm most attentive to what I'm reading when I'm smoking something, either a pipe or a cigar.
I shall use these implements to train myself to read peacefully once again.
My first book shall be the Meditations of Marcus Aurelius

i'm scared i'll never be as successful as everyone thinks i can be. i know i'm intelligent but i don't think i have a high intellect.

>>15319220
I just graduated but don't really feel like I should be proud since I've been in a downward spiral of existential depression and bad habits for half a year now. I wonder if I will ever truly be able to be less of a lazy fuck on the inside

I've been more emotional than general so I've been crying at everything. I cried at a cat video yesterday. Hopefully it'll be done by the end of this week because this is a bit much.

>>15329407
Can't place the source. Is this the Last Psychiatrist?

>>15321996
>firsthand witnessed multiple people murdered

how

>>15319524
if you truly don't value your life then going out and do a massacre or something would be much better right

>>15325973
stfu

>>15326352
gl

Whenever I make any effort to write a serious post it either gets ignored or the thread dies, but it is still somewhat enjoyable to know that there are people who are similar. In that regard, 4chan seems like some sort of sunken underachiever bay.
Anyways, I have probably been depressed since when I turned seventeen and I was to move abroad in order to prepare for university studies.
It was a funny experience. I never managed to make any friends, being not too terrible at socialising in my home country. I was even mocked for my accent and attitude to some extent, being from Eastern Europe. I was a year older than everyone in my class and lived on my own in the cheapest university dorm filled with Asian students with whom I couldn't connect either. I remember not saying anything for months, besides speaking to teachers when handing in an assignment or saying hello and thank you to a cashier. Being a coming of age awkward teenager didn't help me much. At some point I started to feel completely out of touch with reality and being paranoid about ridiculous things as if there was toothpaste on my cheek or if I smelled, because there was no person to tell me otherwise. I even developed a habit of yawning whenever I thought people are looking at me in a weird fashion which I keep to this day. Slacking in terms of academic performance, I browsed 4chan and played vidya. Read about helium suicide and was thinking about jumping off that beautiful chalk cliff hundred miles away from my town.
At the end of the year I just went home and upon my arrival thought that I won't go back, graduated high school and enrolled into a terrible uni. The story here is that essentially my parents told me from a young age that I shall be studying X because my parents run a small business that works in X field. Had to retake the first year and dropped out completely in the middle of my second year. Ever since I came home my parents never stopped telling me how far behind I my peers I am.
Big argument with my parents, evaded that by moving to my friend and just leeching off him for two or three months, gradually reconciled with them as the year passed. Moved into a new flat, found a job which pays average (i.e. bad), started dating since I was finally somewhat comfortable with my self and my situation.
I have mixed feelings about this year. I am somewhat financially independent, two of my friends turned into stoners with whom it is impossible to hold any conversation, my best mate started dating a terrible person, so I end up seeing no one for months, whereas by any means i am not an asocial person. I will be 24 this week with absolutely no accomplishments and no degree.
My parents are 'loving' only because they play the role as a sort of obligation imposed on them by the society, rather than having actual care for me, even though they are convinced that they have good intentions.

>>15333170
Continuation:
My condition is that I don't have nor mental nor physical energy and I usually barely do the minimum for the day, having wandered around my flat for three hours doing nothing in the morning.
My memory, in terms of everyday life is so bad. I can remember Anki words, but when I am looking for something in my flat I just forget about what I was looking for when I get into the other room, nevermind tasks for the day or week.
Getting up and falling asleep are things that demand serious mental effort.
I don’t feel joy. The other day I thought about how my brain just desperately tries to squeeze any pleasure out of itself by eating junk food or smth like that, but failing. I am interested in so many things, but doing so little. I don’t have any concentration, my brain is foggy anyways.
I oversleep. If I sleep for less than ten hours a day I feel terrible, but I never feel rested.
And on top of that thoughts about great ambition, but I reckon everyone here was told that they are smart by their teachers, parents and other surrounding people.
I don’t have any bad habits in the traditional sense (excessive wanking, drugs, cigarettes, alcohol), I ocassionally drink coffee, tea or one or two beers a month. My flat is dirty and cluttered.
Thanks for reading my blog if you did.

>>15333170
>>15333174
I read the whole thing, mate. Very relatable desu.

>>15319220
I hate how relationships change when your friends get girlfriends.

>>15332885
No. The TLP version is:

>"But you want "why", you're drawn to "why" like you're drawn to a pretty girl in the rain. Let me guess: she has black hair, big eyes, and is dressed like an ingenue. "Why?" is the most seductive of questions because it is innocent, childlike, infinite in possibilities, and utterly devoted to you. "Why am I this way? Why do I do what I do?" But what will you do with that information? What good is it? If you were an android, would it change you to know why you were programmed the way you were? "Why" is masturbation, "why" is the enemy, the only question that matters is, now what?"

I hope there's a treatment for femine personality or homosexuality in a man besides a bullet

>>15322357
Do you like Cioran?

>>15333170
>>15333174
Read all of it anon. Honest and relatable. You could say I'm in a different situation because instead being unable to function I go on high functioning anxiety self improvement bouts until I crash and reset, find something else to improve and do that until I fail and so on ad nauseam. I'm also from Eastern Europe with the classic eastern European parents so I know where you're coming from.

i started talking to this 35 year old girl. she's 10 years older than me. mommy. i want to fuck her brains out. but she lost interest in me i think. now i'm upset.

I try to deal with this irrational sadness on a daily basis. I wake up and do everything i need to do mostly because i've always lived my life thinking that you first must do your duty and then you can use you free time to enjoy yourself, which for me is mostly reading, writing, painting and maybe watching or playing something in the evening. Thing is even though i'd say im decently succesful i can't shake this empty feeling. I don't feel satisfied and i am mainly occupied thinking how i can keep or better my quality of life and that of those close to me, but on the other hand i don't care. The only thing keeping me from ending it for years now is this obsession i have with duty. Life feels abstract as sin, luckily i'm able to hide it from the outside world/

>>15331747
I prefer Lattimore to Fagles, but it's a debatable point (FWIW, I also prefer Fitzgerald for Virgil). But I don't know why anyone would be intrigued by Emily Wilson.

>Tell me, Muse, of the man of many ways,
vs
>Tell me about a complicated man

Wilson stripped the poetry from Homer.

I don't know. I'm fine now, but I know eventually that the usual aches and pains will return. At this point it seems like the only enemy I have is luck, and she's proving to be formidable indeed. I'm not scared that I'll kill myself, I'm scared that I will lead a life of horrible, lonely mediocrity.

>>15319220
All this corona shit makes it feel like i'm really in Book 1 of GR