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/lit/ - Literature

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14500739 No.14500739 [Reply] [Original]

I initially wanted to keep this poem away from the internet in order ensure that it is not stolen from me, but have recently dispelled myself of the notion that it was good enough to be published in the first place. Here it is.

Well-read users should be able to identify my favorite poet upon reading the piece, if I managed to achieve the affect I intended to. Please tell me what you think.
There is a quiet moment,
Sunken late into the night,
In which time succumbs
To the temptation of sleep.

I took sole witness to it, yes.

As the last of
Our moon’s ivory
Luminescence bled
From the slit planted in her
Smooth neck,

I knew
I would not be abandoned by the
Moment.

Never again would
It vanish into the distance like a silhouette
Passing through gates of mist;
I had caught one by the ankle,
So it then had to
Tell me its secrets.

Stasis stretched over all,
And the catastrophes and cuts
Careening after me in a
Flowing bulrush were
Turned to dust,
And for a second,
A cool, sweet second,
I had made the universe and
Its clinking chandelier of stars submit.

Now I find myself imprisoned
By a silver-rimmed clock,
My pallid face confronted by its stoic
White plate,
And I hear the whistled hiss
Of an oncoming train
Through its furtive, discreet ticks.

With a voice as mellifluous
As the patter of rain,
The still moment at which the clocks fall
Asleep sings to me from its lone beacon.

But the gears still
Turn and the watches still tick
And the wrinkles deepen.

>> No.14500739,1 [INTERNAL] 

yikes

>> No.14501044

>>14500739
Is your favorite poet Robert Browning? I think it’s really good, have you submitted it to magazines and only received rejections?

>> No.14502346

>>14501044
TS Elliot, thanks for reading, though. I submitted it to my college’s magazine last year, but they never bothered to send me a response.

>> No.14502365

>>14500739
Really enjoyed it, anon. You should delete this post and submit it to more magazines before it unironically is stolen

>> No.14502368

>>14502346
It's not Eliot-like at all, though: it's as allusive as a tadpole, and dull as one. I honestly had hopes that the poem was a parody, because I can't see anyone writing something like this with sincerity

>> No.14502382

>>14502368
Not him but I think it's a bit Eliot-like in terms of structure, not so much in themes or rhythm.

>> No.14502480

>>14502368
I’m not mad at the criticism, anon, but the only point you brought up was its lack of allusion. Surely this is not the only measure of merit you used.
What else made it shit?

>> No.14502541

What verse form do you use in most of your poems? Enjoyed this by the way.

>> No.14502544

>>14502480
You really want to know? Here, I've even put on my spectacles for this:
>in which time succumbs
>to the temptation of sleep
How many times has this cliche been played out over the years? Something "succumbs" to a "temptation." Lazy.
>From the slit planted in her
>smooth neck
Yawn. Anthropomorphizing the moon, and sexually no less. For what purpose?
>Stasis stretched over all
A resort to abstraction, and one that obscures the image for "prettiness." "Over all"? Over what?
>And the catastrophes and cuts
And what would these be?
>careening after me in a
>Flowing bulrush were
This stanza gets worse by the minute: didn't anyone teach you in creative writing class that if you're going to enjamb you might want to end on stronger words than "a" and "were"?
>I had made the universe and
>Its clinking chandelier of stars submit
So anticlimactic and useless. No one knows what the hell this stanza was about: you're sacrificing sense and meaning for ostentation.

The rest is the same bullshit. I sincerely wouldn't worry about posting this indiscriminately.

>> No.14502563

>>14502544
Yeah I suspected all of that, excluding the part about enjambs. Thanks.

>> No.14502571

>>14502544
Based

>> No.14502597

>>14502541

I dont know much about structure in poetry, I mostly just write for therapeutic purposes.

>> No.14502608

>>14502544
>Anthropomorphizing the moon
Nothing wrong with that. It's a very classic thing to do. See Robert Graves' The White Goddess. Also in some languages the moon is already female (French "la lune, Spanish "la luna"), so going from an inaninate object to making it female comes naturally, even automatically in literature.

>> No.14502613

I think you do that thing modern poets do where they add all these big clumsy words like "mellifluous" that honestly just bogs down the flow.

That said though, you have a knack for this and the "clinking chandelier of stars" is such a beautiful image and exactly the kind of punch poems should have. Don't stop.

>> No.14502628

>>14502613
Hey thanks, man

>> No.14502657

>>14502608
It's a tired trope, and he's certainly no Graves. And, again, I would ask you, as well as him, what exactly the purpose would be in feminizing the moon. What does it add to the poem. Nothing. It's an empty reification of the trope and nothing more.

>> No.14502689

>>14500739
https://voca.ro/aPYGCMo17wO

>> No.14502706

>>14502689
Based as fuck.

>> No.14502712

>>14502689
Lmao

>> No.14502716

this is a song

>> No.14502745

Please rate mine:
Speak to me, my master, speak to me
Come save me, Redeemer, revive me
This black void, through my heart I can't see
Your dark sky, Almighty, above me
By grace, save me
Believe in me
By grace, save me
Believe in me
I am your lie (I am, I am)
I am your lie (I am, I am)
I am deceit disguised (I am, I am)
I am your lie (I am)
Speak to me, my master, speak to me
Rise to me from the dead, appear
From this earth, this your world, this your hell
Forgive my feeble lies, I shall die
By grace, save me
Believe in me
By grace, save me
Believe in me
I am your lie (I am, I am)
I am your lie (I am, I am)
I am deceit disguised (I am, I am)
I am your lie (I am)
As masses submit to embrace
And the maker reveals his one face
As the plague of humanity arrives
I drown in this blood contrived
Creator of suffering divine
Of baseness surmounting these minds
Of reflection and reason impaired
As grief trails endless despair
By grace, save me
Believe in me
By grace, save me
Believe in me
By grace, save me
Believe in me
By grace, save me
Believe in me
I am your lie (I am, I am)
I am your lie (I am, I am)
I am deceit disguised (I am, I am)
I am your lie (I am)

>> No.14502760

>>14502657
>It's a tired trope
Don't think so. It's a very classic thing to do. Comes naturally. Borges said that whatever the poet and the era, a similar alphabet of symbols will eventually emerge. The moon, the sea, the tower, etc.
> and he's certainly no Graves
Never said he was but Graves wrote an essay-book about what he called "the white goddess", a feminine/matriarchal symbol represented by the moon that appears in mythology, pagan religions, and poetry. It's a rather universal symbol.

>> No.14502764

>>14502745
At first I was cringing but by the end I was very much caught up in this. Actually good

>> No.14502768

>>14502745
>Me me me me me me
Looks like a song

>> No.14502786

>>14502745
Kinda cringe desu

>> No.14502796

>>14502760
Just because it's quote-unquote "classical" doesn't necessitate that we have to repeat these same images ad infinitum: by your logic, we should still be using the symbols of Petrarchan love poetry to talk about women.

I'll say this once more: the way in which HE uses it is tired, derivative, and empty, no less compounded by the sexual undertone. If you're going to resort to an age-old trope, do so in a way that's either new, deconstructionist, or ironic.

>> No.14502797

>>14502764
Why is it good?

>>14502786
Why is it cringe

Offer some actual criticism you faggots

>> No.14502812

>>14502797
Are you being serious? This has the makings of a top 40 pop hit: it's so egregiously and poorly written that it would have been better served to us on a dish of irony with the requisite accoutrements of hyperbolic forks, litotic spoons, and sardonic knives. Get fucking lost, ass.

>> No.14502819

>>14502768
this

>> No.14502824

>>14502797
Ok I’m no expert but I found that by the line “as masses submit to embrace” you began to build up a sort of rhythm and momentum which carried my reading along in the imagery, a sort of ceaseless flow of suffering and passion that would not relent. The final repetition of the “I am your lie” line was fully contextualised after this, the collective meaning it was garnering through the poem was actualised in a satisfying way by the end. It was a build up of passion, and then settling down of reflective sadness, the begging for redemption was really felt because of the turmoil I experienced just prior.

>> No.14502826

>>14502824
What a pretentious fuck you are. Wannabe poet-critic or what.

>> No.14502850

>>14502826
I’m just trying to say what I liked about it. If it comes across as pseudy it’s because I don’t know technical terms

>> No.14502858

>>14502826
kek

>> No.14502883

>>14502826
based, poem is shit tho

>> No.14502903

>>14502689
YOU GOTTA HAVE PEP BRO

>> No.14502907

>>14502689
THE FIRST FUCKING LINE AND IT ALREADY FALLS APART

>> No.14502919

>>14500739
Purforck?

>> No.14502962

>>14502919

TS Eliot. What did you think, though?

>> No.14502974

>>14502962
Oh shit, I see you meant to write ‘prufrock’. Yeah, the guy who wrote that poem.

>> No.14503051

>>14502824
Holy shit fucking kill yourself, you ant, you utter fucking ant. I despise people like you. I LOATHE YOU! Your entire post reads like some obese faggots precum (summoned by accident out of his own love for himself) dribbled onto a page and congealed into the trite I see before me. Fucking hell. GOOD GOD MAN! You vein little sycophant, you vile little sindwinding fart sampling supercilious little desk goblin fucking subhuman midwit fucker. I can literally imagine your room, superficially dressed up to try and impress people, your very ordered and intentional little desk layout, skewed to make you seem like some passionate yet laid back artistic youth, I can imagine you hunched over with your smug fucking face gasping and applauding yourself as your vile little goblin fuckhead brain spits these words out. Fuck you. Fucking CUNT. FUCKING LITTLE BITCH PSEUD FUCKER DONT YOU DARE POST HERE!

>> No.14503068

>>14502974
Your poem reminded me of it, didn't care about spell check nor writing a proper sentence.

>> No.14503723

>>14503051
Is this a copypasta? If not, I want to make it one

>> No.14504019

>>14503051
Based

>> No.14504154

>>14500739
I like your poem. I agree with the other anons who said mellifluous doesn't really fit.

>> No.14504162

>>14502544
>Yawn
you are a faggot
your post might be otherwise good but im not reading it

>> No.14504795

>>14504154
Understood, changing now

>> No.14506493
File: 6 KB, 390x470, toplel3.png [View same] [iqdb] [saucenao] [google]
14506493

>>14502689
this is the classic content i browse for

>> No.14506549

>>14500739
>I have recently dispelled myself of the notion that it was good enough to be published in the first place
Correct. It isn't good. Actually, it's pretty terrible. It reads like a machine wrote it. Random nouns and adjectives are thrown at each other like drunk orgy goers. Nothing in the poem has any permanence, therefore any meaning. Every word evaporates as soon as it has been read, immediately--as fleeting as the ideas of the poem's creator. Your ambitions of being a latter-day modernist will end in poverty and humiliation due to your inability to comprehend the contemporary works of your chosen art. Don't bother responding to this post with any sarcasm, greentext, or name calling, because I am leaving the thread.

>> No.14506565

>>14502689
fucking kek, is this copypasta or OC?

>> No.14506942

>>14502689
Is this copypasta? It definitely should be.

>> No.14507143

>>14502657
>>14502544
What a pretentious cunt.

>> No.14507166

>>14502689
umm, hello? Based Department?

>> No.14507430

>>14506549
Wait don't go

>> No.14507447

>>14503051
>vein
0/10 get an editor

>> No.14508125

>>14502382
Big disagree

>> No.14508132

Wow you wrote an 8th grader's plagiarized version of Alfred Prufrock good job

>> No.14508142

>Well-read users should be able to identify my favorite poet upon reading the piece

It's rare to see someone's head this far up their own ass.

>> No.14508162

>>14503723
Make it an audiopasta

>> No.14508188

>>14502689
Been a while since I've seen you my nibba, stay based

>> No.14508210

>>14502689
based

>> No.14508240

>>14502613
Big clumsy words are cool. Look into parnasianism, they all do that.

>> No.14509465

>>14502365
samefag any harder and you'll be your own sock puppet

>> No.14509510

>>14502689
It's weird how you can tell how fat he is just by his voice.

>> No.14509612

>>14509465
Swear to god it wasnt me