/lit/ - Literature

>>14035555
Fuck Naruto.

>>14035555
I'm torn between
a) buying a few acres in Alaska and herding sheep / reindeer while living in a tent and building a log cabin\
b) having a wife and kids, which would require much more income and living in a society

>>14035605
World needs better parents

>>14035605
pick the first one, there are millions of other office drones who picked b. the world doesnt need more of them. i was thinking about moving to alaska or idaho and trying something similar, albeit still living in a house with a family, but herding sheep sounds comfy

>>14035605
Make babies with Rupi Kaur or Mira Gonzalez

>>14035555
Does self mutilation help with coping? I'm thinking of just dropping the kitchen knife on my hand.

>>14035692
Pain does, but you don't really want to mutilate yourself, do you?
Drag your knuckles across a brick wall or something

>>14035692
No. It's mostly a way to prove to yourself that you're super duper sad, and when you do get through the hard times (you will anon, I beleive in you ;-)) you'll look back at all those ugly scars and cringe

>>14035719
I feel the pain needs to be sudden and sharp to have a cathartic effect, i'am already ugly so a few scars don't really matter.

>>14035736
Well, do whatever works for you, if it works. Be aware that it's something of a drug, though.

>>14035605
try it out first, volunteer on some remote northern farms. seems pretty based but may not be for you.
> mfw cant move to mongolia to train horses without soulcrushing burreaucracy

>>14035692
aim for painful but harmless things. crippling yourself is not the way to go, and also retarded.

>>14035783
anon's not responding anymore because he just chopped off a finger by accident

>>14035555
I suck at plotting and I don't know what to do about it. The only real stories I can write are either slice or life or porn, basically ones without any real drive or story. I realize that this might have something to do with me being dead inside, as I've never truly pursued anything and the only things that get me to act are basic necessities. But I don't know how this is going to help me write anything.

>>14035839
Plot is second to prose, anon <3

>19 Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal:
>20 But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
>21 For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.

And yet, I cannot stop thinking of her.

>>14035780
my friend taking me to live with her relatives in a yurt in mongolia was what made me really ready to commit to it.

I'm not aware you need any bureaucracy other than a valid visa, unless you're trying to sell horses to Arab princes. If it's too much you could try Kyrgyzstan or Tajikistan, there's nothing you can't get around there

Tired of life

>>14035555
I’m twenty eight years old.
It’s over.

>>14036193

>>14035555
An hour ago I turned twenty years old. In spite of the last two years, and in spite of the fact that I will spend today very much alone, I feel uneasily content.

collected ramblings:

I'm thinking about certain parts of the bible, like God saying "You cannot see my face" or "Do not make images of God" in the old testament, or the time Jesus is asked for proof that God exists, and he says "There cannot be proof, because God is invisible". Now, most believers will take the approach you mentioned: "God exists as a supernatural being that still lies in existence"
I disagree strongly with this. To say "God is such and such, and has this and this property" is already too much. Too many ideas that presuppose God's visibility; too many images of God being made, so to speak - what nonsense! To make an image of an invisible thing. Now, what is an invisible thing? A thing without properties, a thing without form, void, 0. A no-thing. A thing without thingness, an empty thing. To talk about such a thing (no-thing) makes one sound like a student dressed up as Heidegger. What I'm getting at is this: God is invisible. What can be said about God? Nothing. What are we to think about when we think about God: Nothing. No matter which way you turn God, which side you look at, which curtain you lift: you always encounter Nothing. All this talk and philosophizing about God is like putting a kingly gown on ghostly shoulders (and not even ghostly shoulders, but non-shoulders - because a ghost is already too much of a thing. a ghost's ghost's shoulders maybe). This is in fact my christianity fanfic.

If I wanted to practice this kind of Christianity, I'd be something like a Zen monk or certain kinds of mystics. Nothing mind is God mind. Like Meister Eckhart said: if you do not attach to your Self, your emotions and thoughts, you will become an empty vessel - and into this emptiness God will pour like water from big rain clouds automatically. Now, I'd add: This image of God pouring into your empty vessel is misleading, because the emptiness itself is already God - there is no extra step of filling water into the glass. Thank you for listening.

Nah. I'm with the other anon on this one. Just you being you is enough - enough to be cared for, enough to be loved, enough to be kissed and embraced. Sure you have to improve yourself, have to try to become the best you can be; but nothing you do can make your own once in a lifetime special thing leave. I have built for every being a little shelf, to put them on it, and to admire them and to love them. This I do not do for some philosophical reason, but for the sake of myself - I much rather be the loving fool than the grey-haired grump. Is this not understandable? Is this not beautiful: "It is better to love and be unreasonable than to be reasonable and love not". And who knows whether to love deeply every soul is unreasonable or not? it might be or might not be. But who am I to think myself smart enough to solve this riddle, to confidently say: "Oh, by the way, if you haven't heard already: People are worth nothing! Taadaa!". I am not smart enough to take some nitzschean risk. I have to put my money on the safe bet. The saints and my heart tell me to love everyone. How can I say no to such a sweet plea?

***

>Religion = something + dignified solemnity.
Christianity's something is Love. Christianity is the poetics of Love. If you center your life around Love, you are a Christian. Love is your main dish, crispy wild boar roast, while everything else is the garnish, the cranberries and the lettuce. Love is God, that which humbles you, that in which's presence you cast aside your Self. If you believe in Love as the guiding principle, you believe in God; for one is not different from the other. You might say "Love is just chemicals"; ok, then God is the sublimation of certain chemicals; do you think I'm afraid of weird statements? Love makes the unreasonable reasonable.

God is that which is put above all other things and which is prayed to and believed in. "Love", "chemicals", "God" - jut words. You know what is meant when it is said that "Love is God" and "God is Love" and "Believe in God" and "You need no proof" and "Just make Love the sun of your life" - What more do you need to know? Just do it - thats what I think. Never have I thought to myself, when someone said "I believe love is the most important thing", "What a fool!", always have I thought "Good for you". Because some Gods are like heavy weight on your shoulders, and some are like wings; some lead you to the abyss and stop, while some spread out like an ethereal bridge and let you cross over.

>>14035605
Try the first one for maybe half a year, if you feel comfortable and like you can keep going continue to do that. However at a certain point in your life you must make woman your own, and raise your Aryan children. As the other anon said - The World needs better parents in this World.

And no nip, it's not nudity.

>>14035970
She's ugly. And the soul of another is not a treasure upon earth, but of heaven or hell.

>>14036217
She’s just a look-alike for the girl I love

I feel conflicted whenever i can learn anything meaningful from reading fiction books. I get the info but there's nothing which hits my heart. Am i just reading the wrong books?

I'm weirdly surprised that people aren't aware 90% of a museums collection are practically worthless and you can buy ancient artefacts thousands of years old for <$100.

The only way to make politicians listen is through extreme violence. I can't be the only one agreeing that these "riots" of today aren't doing anything "look at us we stopped the traffic for 2h oops :3". When are the people going to take back control. Bust out the battering rams and guillotines, start flaying the politicians living on the steps of the white house. I don't understand why people believe violence dosen't solve problems.

>>14036299
They find so much buried shit each and every year it often gets destroyed to stop a already flooded market collapsing completely.

>>14036214
h-h-ow did you know im aryan.

Vanitas vanitatum, et omnia vanitas.
But what way is there not to participate?

>>14036299
>>14036316
How do I go about getting some?

I want to start a publishing company, but I’m not good at promotion.

>>14036299
>>14036316
But everything cool is probably mad expensive, right? I mean, no one wants some muddy shard of a clay vase or some shit.
I imagine things like pic related, jewelry and nice things from thousands of years ago aren't exactly cheap and easy. So what's your point

>>14036584
Yeah but you can buy ancient Roman coins and cool fish fossils and stuff for 10s of dollars

>>14036584
>But everything cool is probably mad expensive
Nah, you can get a page of the geneva bible from 1560 for $80 and a bronze age sword is only like $300.

>>14036516
>>14036602
I got some Roman coins of Ebay that people found in their fields or w/e. They are bronze so pretty worthless in the grand-scheme of things but still cool regardless. My favorite is my Diocletian coin

>>14036620
Where...?

The buzz of televisions, radios and people's idle chatter seem to silence my inner voice. I deliberately didn't read any posts above me, it would make me forget this thought. I noticed it when my family left me home alone. Almost instantly, I started talking to myself like a loon. Shutting my mouth, the narration keeps spinning in my head like the unspoken words in a book.

I used to do this more when I lived on my own, but the internet used to drown the noise. Much like listening to white noise to shut out the environment; when the inner noise is drowned out by the outer, so is the signal. So basically I've been living most of my life as an unthinking drone: consuming intellectual media feels like thinking, but somebody else is doing the thinking for me so I can feel clever.

Anyway, living at home seems to be making me stupid in the same fashion. Writing keeps me sane, reading literature and working out. The quiet of an empty house is soothing and I'm glad I stayed home.

>messaged to provide certain information for a thing
>the thing is coordinated by a woman who's daughter I know because we had a few classes together
>think the message is from the mother, respond extra-formally
>it's actually from the girl
>if I wasn't retarded I should have been able to clearly tell the text is from the girl
>super-formal response to someone I'm supposed to be, and was in the couple past interactions, super-informal to
Christ, I probably look like some pretentious neckbeard now. Fuck. What do? Girl isn't attractive at all but still.

>>14036635
Genuine old Bible shit is widely available online, you can buy a Facsimile at "thekjvstore" and they'll give you a free 1611 Leaf.

I hate when people are happy. It makes me sick when I see them smile for no apparent reason. How can they be so excited over nothing? And how can they derive pleasure from the most meaningless and childish things? Why is it that I feel ashamed of smiling or laughing in public, while others do it so carelessly? How do they not think it rude? And why is smiling so forced upon people? “Smile!” they always say, as if that will do good. Why should I smile? If we are to smile all the time, then how shall we distinguish the good times from the bad times? When something truly makes me happy, then I will smile.

Sometimes when I’m talking with someone and they make some dumb expression, I almost feel as though I must force myself to smile or say something stupid just to prevent any awkwardness. I wish I had the will to simply ignore what they said altogether, whenever I truly don’t have anything to say. Everything just feels so fake. It’s suffocating.

>>14036620
>>14036663
>A First Edition 1582/1610 Douay-Rheims Old & New Testament Three Volumes Set is only $49k
I want it.

>>14036679
Relax you autist, smiling as you said is very easy to do and not everyone is >le pessimist philosopher, the majority of people are more simple-minded (οι πολλοί) or just have a different philosophy, one who does not consider "smiling" in public every once in a while the end of the world.

>>14036193
Yikes. It’s too late for you.

Everyone wants to bum a smoke today.

Someone's taken my favorite booth.

>>14035692
Gymming is an act of benevolent self mutilation, if you think about it. I never feel more alive than after a good deadlift. Ears ringing, foothold wavering, complete physical and mental state of shock. Don't cut your skin like a whimp, mutilate your muscles instead breh

>>14036707
Then again this is a pretty dumb reply, forget it.

>>14036707
It can be pretty oppressive in America. I admire the can-do spirit, but the downside of that is this relentless optimism that can be outright cruel at times. It's almost taboo to show unhappiness.

I find it interesting that once we start disliking somebody we get to see all their imperfections. Oh, her skull has a strange shape, oh her jaw is disgusting, ugh her voice is annoying and so on. You catch a glimpse of the person and ponder how could you not see them before.

>>14036735
I don't know how it is in America

>>14036739
What a vapid eye you have. Who cares what it sees? Her skull has a strange shape. How will she ever live it down.

My god, who cares?

>>14036802
Let me tell you then: people don't like to openly speak of misery, seemingly operating under the idea that acknowledging it will invite further misery. Or perhaps casting off the happy veneer will lead many to collapse altogether. I don't know. But happiness becomes burdensome. A task.

Happy Tuesday brehs, feeling pretty good today how about you guys? Favorite streamer online, game night tonight, pretty much done with hw for the week, test done. Feels good lads

>>14035555
Trying this Twitter thing, can't really keep up with it.
Too much information, too fast, not too sure how to get people to follow me, feels like a waste of time.


Trying to write a bunch of poems, a few short stories and some essays but it feels more like practice.
What to make of them?
Maybe a blog?
Nobody would read it and I wouldn't know how to make one anyways.

On the side I'm uploading some videos.
Very little success came from them

>>14035839
OOOH fuuuuuuuug imagine the smell.
I think im gonna acoooooom

>>14035555
Jack was standing on the roof of his own apartment, as always staring deeply into the city.He felt anxious about the next day, because he knew what awaits him

>>14036953
>awaits

I have trouble sleeping. My matress sucks ass and I like women. Thank god he created women.
/lit/ which one should Ipick?
a- a sweet gal with a perfect body but with eircing in the face thus making her face meeeh 20 yo
b- a reserved gal with broad shoulder because she was raised on a farm and did manual work. So body us feminine but with broad shoulder but she has a good looking face. 20 yo
c- a fucking hottie that is a bit narcissist from what I can see. Dosent express much emotion but when I crack her up she admires me. She is shy and discreet, feminine but sometime acts like the feminist npc. 18 yo
im 21 btw.

>>14036891
>Favorite streamer online
whomst?

I feel like a hypocrite for knowing I'd suffered. The last fortnight has been exactly what I had dreaded missing out on for years. I've been out, I've made friends, it's been amazing. I literally just came back from one of those cigarettes I remember sharing with no one on the library steps and this really beautiful girl came up to me and introduced herself saying she remembers me from friday's party. I can't even remember praying for this anymore, but I need more places to pour my gratefullness out.
It's tiny things, but never forget you deserve them.

>>14036093
you're my man, if you liked Mongolia you'd probably enjoy the north. such a pity northern natives in russia are tyrranied by oil companies in some areas, i hope Alaska is different. godspeed.

>>14036620
i saw some late 19th century german books, printed in fraktur with dulled but not worn leather covers, pretty small format (smaller than a5) with pages in great condition, for 500rub (8$) each (there were some numbered tomes) in moscow, bookinists in new arbat street

There’s something to be said for the Death of a god. We slew him, that ancient wonder upon the mountainside; the mystery of the infinite skies and the thunder at sea: dead by our hand.

Sometimes I see fragments of that shattered mirror in the every day, that sliced, minuscule echo of the divine in something obscure, that echoes down the millennia to me. It makes me said this apocryphal murder, this heretical sacrifice of our better half. Foolish and naive perhaps, but cynical or not we slew the magic of the world piece, by stinking piece until there is nothing left but us; wandering alone this ruined garden we have left ourselves.

We rose up as Angels, ourselves; rose up from perfection to seize divinity, but forever reaching, never to grasp it—an entire species pushing the allegorical rock over and over again until entropy burns is away like so much chaff.

My stomach is in pain, filled with acid. Today I was finally going to approach the woman at work. But I’m doubled over because of my stomach. I didn’t sleep well and look even more tired than usual. I’ll have to wait until tomorrow.

>>14035555
I don't feel pleasure in anything
not in books, not in vidya like i used to, not in music, not in sports, not in movies

>>14037400
probably neurochemical depression, men often don't feel that emotionally "sad" despite misbalanced neuromediators

I would love to have a girl with large pretty eyes. I would drown and get drunk in her eyes like a pond when I feel upset.

>>14037373
Nothing has changed: there has always been this divide in humanity; those that know God is dead and those that know God is alive; both speak the truth.

I feel like I'm losing sexual energy. I haven't fapped in weeks without even realising it. I've chatted up thirsty girls at parties but couldn't be bothered doing anything. I can't even remember the last time my dick was hard, how do I chose this?

also, I'm a virgin

>>14037603
I feel similar. I've learned to control my libido.
Porn has no effect on me, I haven't masturbated in 5 months and the more I continue down this road the stronger I feel.
I have lost this terrible habit and replaced it with working out
In only five months I hardly recognize myself.

Still a virgin tho.

>>14037642
i fear I'm losing libido though, and that scares me a little

>>14036205
what a beautiful image holy shit

Aldis frozen chicken breast with frozen peas and sweetcorn. Can of Coke. Ketchup.
Repeat for three nights, the fourth and fifth instead of breast you eat nuggets.
Then the Coke runs out so for the sixth and seventh you drink water, maybe orange squash if you remembered to get some. Maybe six and seven you have burgers, although if you forgot to buy rolls you have frozen pizza.
Then it's back to Aldis to shop again. Several trips, because I have a motorcycle and my backpack is too small for everything.

>>14035555
Why am I so pathetic? I feel so unsatisfied in life but I know how to fix it. I've read my fair share of philosophy and I know that the one thing they all agree on from Socrates to Nietzsche is that creation is what gives life meaning. There are stories I want to create, views I want to express and things I want to do. But I can never push myself to do them. Is it a lack of Will? I always seem to tell myself "no not now, you can do it later". But when is that later? "You are not knowledgeable enough". When do I have the knowledge? I know what I must do but I just cant seem to find the fire to ignite those actions.

>>14037701
Seems like perfectionism.

>>14036205
happy birthday pal :)

>>14037671
Can't get it hard?
Taking some sort of medication?
Maybe your diet.
See a doctor if that's the case. No shame in that brother

test

I'm so hungry for approval and admiration and no matter what I do, I can't seem to be capable of getting it. Literally, nobody in this whole world likes me for who I am as a person. There are a few people who previously I had thought actually like me but it has become apparent to me that they only pity me. They feel sorry for me but not a single one of them would actually want to spend time with me or actually get to know me. I have no way of dealing with these emotions and they weigh heavily on me. I'm reminded of the DFW quote that goes "How odd I can have all this inside me and to you it’s just words.” I used to think it's a 2deep4u sentence to say that my emotions are bigger than you could ever understand but now I see it as how can this weigh so heavily on me and yet mean so little to you. I don't know which one or even if either one of them was the author's intention and I do not care.

>>14038018
Do you like yourself?

>>14038026
Not at all. I can't help but feel like a dumb, ugly and boring person.

there might be a chance to escape this torment, keep going through the motions

What will I do when she leaves?

>>14038036
You need healthy self-esteem.
>Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden
Give it a read.

>>14038053
Thanks for the advice. Appreciate it.

bump

>>14037400
I know the feels, anon.
Nothing invokes a remotely positive response in me anymore. I’ve become lifeless.

It was a dark and stormy night
Clouds were yelling at each other
All stars were looking for their light
Silver tears fell for their mother
The moon went missing that blue night

Hidden was under my cover
My blue-pale mistress of the night
She was mine for me to love her
The alarm was on while we fucked.

I hate leaving places that you've made home. Everything has become fragile like glass and my friends who i have struggled with and suffered with and laughed and loved with are leaving me one by one and i can hold anything down. It's all crumbling down, as i know that i'll restart this process and forget these beautiful moments i've had with them and every second i stay in this beautiful prison i feel like jumping out a window to stop the pain of it all fading away. I want to go home but this was my home and now i have to go back to a place that i have forsaken once and have very little connection too. god it hurts so much please make it stop.

I love my waifu. She's like my guardian angel.

>just one more coom then I'm DONE

I just had this brilliant idea. I've always considered Tinder a waste of time for sub-6 men like me but I moved to a new city about a year ago and everyone is ugly af here. I'm no price pig myself but compared to the people who live here I'm practically a Chad. I'm going to download Tinder and get my pick of the girls here

>>14036983
b

I'm thinking about going on SSRIs for my anxiety. I don't think it's too bad, but when I recall that I have 1 close friend, can't speak to others, can't think due to lethargy and brain fog, and can't sleep I start to reconsider.
Any one else find SSRIs useful for either socialization, sleep, or cognition/ motivation?

>>14039407
SSRIs are for depression not anxiety

>>14035555
Should I read or should I write?
If I read I will be happy
If I write it will be exciting
So u gotta let me know...
Aw fuck it let’s go on quatro-chin

>>14036193
Keep dreaming new dreams.

>>14038976
>Not saying “then I’m doone”
Sapped of creativity, I see.

>>14036196
Are you saying anon should get an old dude as a sugar daddy?
Based

>>14035605
Living in a society is the fucking worst

My passionate drunkeness makes a fool of me again. Here I am, professing my love for my cousins and sisters at the afterparty of my older sister's wedding, already much the fool, when I cry loudly that I would put the gun in my mouth if it were all unaffecting and selfish. They tear my sister away from me, as she confides in me the bullying and trauma she faced as a kid, and I must say it. They must know how clear and absolute my love is for her and all of them. But I am a fool. No one hears me. They scoff and pity, but do not hear me. My dear, newly wedded sister; my unfortunate sister. She is the only one that could ever hear me. But we are drunkards.

>>14035555
I am actually really stupid and need to take time to learn things slowly and literally can't keep up with society.

>>14038018
Most people are selfish meatbags and not worth pining over. The sooner you liberate yourself of your need for validation the sooner you'll be on a healthy track, and the sooner you will start behaving in ways people actually admire. Nothing shuts people down more than seeing neediness in another.

>>14036461
Only a white man would do that.

Electromagnetism is raping my brainlet asshole

It's been multiple years since me and my fiancee split, and I still miss her every day, and I still can't take another woman seriously, and it's starting to dawn on me that it's really going to be like this for the rest of time.

I am a man-made man

Why does contempt go hand-in-hand with self-aggrandizing pleasure

I’m madly in love with a beautiful woman

>>14036239
Definitely.
In the true fiction, fiction approximates reality as truly as possible. Far more to learn from a contemporary fiction than a completely fabricated history.

>>14036239
You are simply reading the wrong books, it is a difficult task since books are usually the ones who find the reader.

>>14037671
a mulatto
an albino

Onions católico de crianza y por fe; pero la posibilidad de que la tecnología termine reduciendo la conciencia humana a un simple programa dentro de una computadora me mortifica, no sé si la causa es el hecho de verme como un hombre de fe débil y que mi pensamiento subyacente sea el fisicalismo o el simplemente estar apegado emocionalmente a esta realidad que también puede ser meramente ilusoria.

>>14035555
I have a gf that doesn't read books and thinks it's fascinating that I've started reading Plato since she knows no one that would even consider reading philosophy on their own.

>>14040570
>books are usually the ones who find the reader.
What do you mean?

>>14039407
That image makes my heart a wineskin that's urging to bust

>>14040546
congrats anon. theres nothing better than selfless love for a beautiful woman.

If singles can't go see the joker, how come muslims can still fly on planes?

>>14041426
Being "in love" is in no way a selfless love

Ultimately, all my self improvement drives are aimed towards getting girls. I keep having erotic dreams every night and I can't help but orbit this girl on instagram.
This loneliness is literally hurting my soul. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

who else /out/

>>14042119
tfw lost the ability to orbit after getting rejected by my oneitis

>>14042119
This is pathetic and you should be ashamed enough to stop doing it. It's not loneliness, but incomplete self.

>>14042299
How do I complete my self?

>>14039537
Well, maybe I have depression, too. In that case, what should I do?

>>14036239
no

>>14035605
>Alaska
>living in a tent
Moron.

>>14042433
he probably meant the traditional dwelling of northern people, something like a yurt.
>>14042315
do what you want bruv, start doing it right now

Sad fact: Mosquitos have killed 52 billion people, or half of everybody who has ever lived.

>>14042495
>do what you want bruv
I want to feel loved, I want a cool girlfriend and friends
I don't see what you're trying to say

I stumbled upon a butthurt subreddit called JustBeWhite. It's full of incels who envy white men who think they can land hot not white gfs just for being white. I find this amusing because 95% of the men in question are handsome and well-made. This kind of cherry picking is standard operating procedure for the defective thinking of incels. It also gives the lie to the claim that it's only straight white men who suffer from inceldom.

>>14042507
thank god euro mosquitoes are just annoying and not deadly

>>14035555
Based Quads
I do not know why I'm doing what I'm doing but i know that I'll feel worse if i don't

>>14036726
This desu
If you want to feel pain just lift and feel DOMS all day

>>14042534
And who can say how much money they are making. The rough looking ones could easily be making gold-digger tier money.

>>14042535
For now. Climate change may very well change that.

>>14042575
Yeah but there's nothing humans can do about climate change

Listening to Ride, drinking Red Bull and vaping. Things could be worse. I do still have to finish a first draft of an essay, however I've run out of ideas

What a great evening? hey whats the word for liking fog and fresh air?

>>14043012
Being Human

I had a decent job, and I think a girl was interested in me but I quit, now I’m jobless using the only money I have just to get by, I always do this self sabotaging. Even in high school I’d stay up till 4-5 am, not even attempting to get good grades, wondering with no direction, yet sometimes I’d have bursts of greatness and surprise my teachers, yet I think they new how much of a pathetic slacker I am. I think I disappoint myself so it won’t come elsewhere, I think I mess it up so it’s on my terms. I’ve come to grips that I might of been depressed since I was 14 and I’ve only been aware of it recently. It comes from my childhood and out of brothers I’m the only one to graduate high school, so guess I it isn’t that bad; it’s a fear of not living up to what I could’ve been I suppose. To see my older brothers in worse situations it kills me. I just don’t know what I’m going to do.

ESL here. Is "He delivered the hepatectomy" a good enough pun to keep or should I just drop it because it's too subtle? (DE-liver'D)

>>14038046
Glory to us, the drowned ones.

Why is hanging philosophical quotes over your desk considered cringe?

Dis bord gay

How do I stop being an incel?
I know it is not true, but I have a a solid pre-conscious belief that I'm not attractive enough to ANY girl.
Do any of you have some experience with cognitive behavioral theraphy or something?

need gf

sheep pic

what if it's possible to enjoy the festival of life for what it is, rather than just be stuck in your head all the time

Please email me back.

My doorbell just rang even though nobody was there. Spoopy ghost shit is afoot.

>>14043465
sent ;)

>>14043530
Dick Laurent is dead

This girl that sits next to me always smells bad but today she smells like literal shit.

I am sometimes subject to terrifying bouts of sleep paralysis that are very much like waking nightmares. The body is catatonic, as if in deep sleep, yet the mind is fully alert and awake. During these moments I often believe I hear footsteps scrambling through my house. One time I perceived in my mind's eye a man in a trench coat standing feet away from my bed, staring intently at me.

>>14043613
>sleep paralysis
It's interesting as it goes to show how in certain configurations, dream and reality can overlap. In such a "mixed state" the mind overlays dream elements over the external world of normative perception. Not quite dreaming, not quite awake, but somewhere in a murky middle where the two phases overlap.

It's 4am and jerked it to porn useing a banana peel as a pseudo-fleshlight because I didn't feel like using my hand. Surprisingly enjoyable.

I feel like no one respects me, and that even my friends push me around and disregard my input on anything. I'm really sensitive and I guess everyone knows that. I can't grow a spine because I don't want to make people not like me. I'm afraid people only like me because I'm so malleable.
I'm really, really tired of feeling inferior to everyone in every way. But I'm starting to think I am just a loser. Nothing makes me happy. I don't want to live.

>>14043648
If you cant respect yourself - no one will.

>>14035555
GOD FUCKING DAMN
IS MY FALLOUT NV BUILD GONNA WORK?!
OR AM I GONNA MEME MYSELF?!

>see a cute young couple
>start getting light headed from rage and my stomach starts to hurt
why am i like this... some drunk driver should really just end it for me

everything wants to die and I can't stop perceiving it

>>14044063
I know what you mean, but that being said, have you considered that you may be projecting?

Give me a girlfriend, or give me death.

I can't fucking think straightt without my cigarettes but they kill me and make me feel like everything is useless but now I want weeeeeeeeeeeeeed more than anything

>>14044037
The ghost of Elliot Rodger has arisen.

>>14035555
I've gotten to the stage of loneliness that when I'm in my bed I can feel arms around me. I've never had anyone next to me and yet I crave it.

>>14035555
I've been alone for about 5-6 years.
No friends, no gf, nothing

I don't know how to live around people.
My family is all I have, luckily we are ina good relationship.

Life is sad at times but it's bearable.
I know no better

>>14044317
>>14044339

>mom dying of cancer or something idk lmao
>reads the bible constantly in the hospital
>I look up from the first page of Finnegans Wake that I had been perusing (this being my 4th re-reading of the ol Wake, of course), simultaneously skimming then subvocalizing and then finally fully vocalizing each passage, and I notice she is reading the KJV
>I snicker
>mother looks up, giving a weak, grotesquely skeletal smile and says "a-anon, remember when I used to read you the nativity scenes each Christmas to y-you"
>my response is the deliberate flipping of the page as my irish-tinged narration rises slightly to subtly let her know I am in no talking mood
>"th-that book y-you're reading, anon, sounds so hard. I really am p-proud of you."
>I say I wish I could say the same about you
>she is taken aback and timidly quandaries "but anon, the bible is one of the most important books in the world"
>I scoff openly as I reach for the copy of Origins: Fourteen Billion Years of Cosmic Evolution that I always turn to when Joyce no longer provides enough intellectual stimulation for me
>"actually," I say "the bible isn't essential to the western canon. the hyms to Dionysus would rank far higher in the development of western transcendental epistemological, ontic-ontologic thought."
>the bitch starts tearing up, wholly refuted, and says "a-anon" *cough cough* "I'll a-always love my b-bright young boy."
>I go over to her hospital bed and tap on the leather of her bible
>"I'm only bright because I didn't bother with this sort of hoi polloi hack pulp."
>I go out to the vending machine to get myself a soda with a few quarters I found in my mom's purse
>a qt nurse comes up to me and says she's sorry at how bad my mother's condition is. pity sex is basically a guarantee at this point
>"yyyyeah" I yawn, "but as Joyce said" I say, tapping the emergency copy of Finnegans Wake that I always have in my pocket "bababadalgharaghtakamminarronnkonnbronntonner-
ronntuonnthunntrovarrhounawnskawntoohoohoordenenthur-
nuk" (I had to pause halfway through to look up the rest but I'm pretty sure she was still impressed
>I imagine how cool it would be to pinch her ass as I walk away
>don't do it but chuckle to myself thinking how alpha it was that I thought to

>>14044549
what the fuck is wrong with you

>>14035555
Chronic fatigue, giving up on dreams, money and health issues, no gf (least of my problems). Thinking how to sort it all out. Funny thing is that I still have some irrational hope that allows me to make it through the day.

>>14044549
When my father died of a car crash, the conversation we had before he left the house was me opening up about my deep seated guilt and sadness of being non religious in a household that wants to die as members of the church. We didn't share the same goal. Part of this attempt at catharsis was the underlying idea that my parents didn't succeed in raising me as a good person, since their definition of being a good person was being a church member, and since I didn't believe in the church, then they had failed in raising me. I fully understand the values and morals that religion provides, what I believe is that one can live with those same values without attributing it all to God. One can be a good person and live a meaningful life just by, well, being a good person and living a meaningful life without the pretense of God. Our actions and goals, and their consequences on the world, should be the driving force behind our reasoning of right and wrong, which we absolutely should distinguish from each other. Among other reasons, I came to the conclusion that in order to not kill the family (because I wouldn't be able to live with the guilt if I did) then I must continue acting as if I was deeply religious when around the church community. This was me being dishonest, deceptive to myself and others, and this makes me feel miserable for my own lies and for lying to others. This, for me, is a barrier to living a meaningful life. And he acknowledged it, he said it wasn't fair to me. I hated myself for the mask I have to don. I hated that this mask prevented our family from being TRULY in order, in harmony, and that this mask was necessary for it to not die, even if it wasn't truly alive either.
He went out to pick up my brother from his after school activity. I got the call that he had died in a car crash- his truck skid and hit a tree. Maybe it was intentional. Maybe it was an accident, and that's what it looks like. I haven't been truly sober for years.

>>14037388
My stomach was fine today. I stayed at my desk all day, expecting her to come to the kitchen as she usually does to wash her Tupperware. But she didn’t appear. I saw her once from a distance but she was gone in a flash. Maybe tomorrow? Or maybe the circumstances will never fall into place. Maybe I should walk into her office like Chadwick Thundercock and just drop it on her desk with a thud. That is, before being escorted out of the building.

>>14035555
I think I want to be an editor. I find my skills better attuned to helping refine what already exists as opposed to constantly churning out new ideas. I don't think I'm smart enough for writing serious literary criticism or prose but grammar, clarity and speech writing all come rather naturally to me. Is being an editor /lit/?

>>14037388
Get on Nexium. That shit works.

>>14043645
That's kind of hot.

Not to blaspheme, but I feel like a crappier reincarnation of St. Benedict Joseph Labre (without the saintliness). At 27, I have finally come to realize my vocation is with the Church, but my health isn't good enough to join, and I fell for the student debt meme. I even attended a Jesuit high school...

>>14044607
I share every one of those problems brother. Don't lose all hope.

The more study the mosquito question and climate change increasing their range of habitation , the more I realize the common mosquito may very well spell the extinction or the human species unless an aggressive campaign of specicide is implemented.
The eternal mosquito must be banished from the earth!

How to convince my friend to branch out to other things apart from anime? It's really not wholesome, and makes my conversations with them strained when the focus is just Japanese cartoons.

I already wrote what's on my mind in my journal for the past hour.

>>14045130
>It's really not wholesome
What are you, his boyfriend or something

>>14035555
You can stop hating women once you face your own mortality and recognise how truly alone you are in the universe.*
Sir Keith Joseph and his ideas will shape the next hundred years after his death - essentially Capitalist market systems as a eugenic sorting mechanism choosing who gets to reproduce and who doesn't. You can fault his all you want but - it was the 70s - someone had to do something.
Where would we be without (sexual and financial) markets?
Without the latter, still crafting tools from stones. Without the latter, nascent primordial sludge. We owe markets everything.
*Acknowledge that the system works perfectly well without you.
*********************************************
I mean, I have already had two girlfriends and I'm only nineteen, not to mention those other girls who seemed to like me. Maybe it's not so hopeless. Maybe it's not changed as much as I've thought it has.
Though it is wise to insure against the confirmation of my worst fears.
It is class, not race, might lead me to a life well lived. An idiographic and not nomothetic approach is why we do not genuflect before genocidal Teutons.
I hope no-one reads this

>>14044549
this sucks and you're gay

>>14044549
This is really good

>>14044549
UnIronically This actually made me laugh

>>14044549
We Need To Talk About Anon

It has taken me a long time to even half recognise that it's okay to like things. Or that it's okay to be an individual. I have Asperger's. I have, admittedly, weird stuff going on. My friend told me it was okay to be eccentric which is what I needed to hear after so long of having people just try to make me be like them. It never worked. I can only be me, and I'm really coming to terms with that.

I got a job a few months ago. In a position of authority. However, my boss expects me to do things his way and I simply can't. He'll ask me for help and I'll attempt it (my way) but then be told to do it his which is difficult for me. I am trying to think of a way to communicate that to him but I can't articulate it. He's a fast-paced guy and I am simply not and don't see myself being. I'm the type of person that if given four hours to build a wall the first three will be counting and readying the supplies.

i'm completely naked and standing on an infinite plane of iron.
the sun is directly overhead, it has not risen nor will it ever set.
it slowly heats up the iron beneath me, a giant griddle that i cannot escape.
my feet feel hot but i am not yet in any major discomfort.
all directions look the same, but nonetheless i walk forward toward the horizon of black iron and crimson sky.
i have no hope of reaching anything.
i can now feel the sweat all over my body as the radiating heat becomes too prevalent to ignore.
my eyes feel heavy and warm.
my feet are starting to feel pain now.
i leave footprints of dead skin behind me as i walk.
my soles are bright red and blistered.
as the temperature rises, everything around me turns into a twisted mirage.
i have no idea how much progress I've made.
i have to try and walk faster but the heat is making my body extremely sluggish.
my mouth and throat are dry.
the iron is starting to blend with the sky as it heats up.
i know that i'm only prolonging my agony, that i should just fall down and allow myself to be cooked, yet even in this hopeless situation the survival instinct keeps me from doing it.
but there is no escape, i will fall down, i will be cooked.
slowly

>>14044063
>Elliot
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT ON THAT PICTURE? Do not say that it is a sacred ceremony of some googlaboogla people. Whatever it is I think I am going to go and burn those dicks alive.

Also I know that if I said the above to my student colleagues in my uni, they would ALL CRUCIFY ME AS A RACIST. Not because they would think that I am one, but because they have a need to strike their rivals WHENEVER IT IS POSSIBLE to better up their own position. FUCKING FILTHY PIECES OF SHIT. I fucking hate people.

>>14035605
>reindeer
Bad idea
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chronic_wasting_disease

>>14046073
>Elliot
wasn't supposed to be there. Probably just mistakenly dropped there as I made a search of his name on this page.

>>14046073
the goose is calm because it's not actually on fire. It's just standing in front of a campfire and the light is leaking through

Do animals know when we're taking their picture?

>>14035555
This guy wrote "So that's what level 2 is"

Was he implying I have autism?

I went to a party over the weekend and realized I truly just dont have much in common with most people and found it impossible to make any sort of real connection, most the time all I can do is spit out some small talk.

that combined with the absolute state of the world and its bleak future left me feeling pretty isolated and alone and hopeless, and i think its probably almost a certainty that im just going to aimlessly drift through the rest of life mostly alone with no goals or anything, just wasting away, and im going to kill myself eventually when I get caught between a rock and a hard place and its not worth it to keep going

>>14035555
I have so little experience in dealing with people the probably think I'm retarded.
It's a problem

>>14046841
Just deal more and increase social skill

>>14035555
I really love her bros, but i'm happy that I know shes happy. Just imagining her smile, her happy, even without me, brings me peace albeit peace with a hint of anxiety, I can smile at such a mental image with only a terrible feeling of angst on myself that'll not bother me tonight but tomorrow.

>>14046329
Well thank God for that. Because, once I saw an art house movie where there were geese or chicken running in fire. Not sure if the dickheads making the movie had set them on fire for real or if the fire was edited on the film. I liked to watch art movies a lot in past, but I have a problem with how they treat animals in them for the sake of shocking effect.

>>14046649
I think that at least CATS know that the phone or camera flashing means that they did something special to amuse a human.

>>14046080
>https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chronic_wasting_disease
so it hasnt been transmitted to humans, hasn't been spotted in alaska, and can be avoided by not eating reindeer eyes and spines? so why should I be worried about this?

I want to fuck arthoe chicks like that booktuber emmabooks whose the biggest arthoe whore I've ever seen but I know they are all huge red flags and I don't want to deal with their emotional baggage or oxytocin lacking brains. What to do about this feel?

>>14047623
Just fuck a hooker

>>14035555
I want to move to a rural cabin and write countless stories and compose music while working a remote software develop job.

>>>/lit/thread/S14012673#p14014630
>https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SP8Bja2g8CI

Which one of you depraved animals reported this fucking channel? It doesn't matter since I previously downloaded the video, and it didn't have anything else good on it. Regardless, I KNOW it was one of you since not even the pants-around-ankles faggots on /classical/ are this petty. Fuck you.

>>14047763
what was it, exactly? just a performance? whose, of what?
if you think it's valuable, re-upload it. how do you know someone reported it? maybe some (((copyright))) company took it down

>>14047780

A MIDI (!) of Bach's BWV 1043, on a years-old midi only channel with hundreds of videos and practically no comments. Deleted some time between me posting that link on the 19th and today.

bored

i'm gonna try to record a podcast today. i hope it works out.

>>14047801
that's a shame.
what I hate most about youtube deletions and videos going private is that it doesn't display what the video was. I have shitloads of old liked videos that have just vanished, and some of them probably don't exist anymore on the Internet. if I at least knew what the motherfucking title was. although there's a piece of music I remember that has vanished, that I know the title of but can't find any mention of anywhere. can't believe it. the impermanence of content on the internet bothers me so much because it could be avoided.

>>14036217
Thanks anon, for some reason I needed to be reminded today that other people have souls too. Pray for me

Is it wrong to always avoid conflict? I tend to dillute my opinions and beliefs in fear of offending others or creating a situation where I feel I need to defend myself.

>>14047870
Yes be a man and stand up for what you believe in. Conflict builds character, you're on /lit/ so I know you read books you little bitch, what do all books have in common? Conflict. A character starts off one way, encounters conflict and comes out different on the other end. It's called growing, to deprive yourself of conflict cuz you're a little bitch and doesn't want to offend others or don't want to defend yourself is to deprive yourself of growth. So stop being a pussy. Unless you're a woman, then just do what your husband tells you to do, the rules are different for your kind.

>>14047870
Very much so. Conflict adverse people will continually find themselves in conflict situations. Paradoxically, the more you avoid conflict the more it finds you, because you signal weakness and victimhood. Bad people pounce on vulnerability. The willingness to contest those who assail you is the best policy for fending off conflict.

If you cant imagine 17 pears together on a white clothed table, what does that say about your philosophical inquiry? How can you hold the big questions if you cant even hold 17 pears and a white clothed table?

>>14044549
was it kino

What is important? The storyteller's voice should be like a well played fiddle, stringing together high notes and low notes, counter-points, crescendos, fortissimos, pianissimos, and silence. To be understood means two things: to have explained well how each instrument of your story moves as time goes on, and to have made clear to the reader that one of those instruments is his heart. What makes a piece enjoyable? That which I have stated above, and invention. To invent is the soul of wit; it means to take a thing and turn it ever so slightly to make it interesting again, to uncover a new meaning, a new way through the woods.

>>14047831
Sometimes googling the address name helps as people often post music + description on fora etc.

>>14048610
yeah, that has very rarely worked for me

I just got a little further with my philosophical work on germanic polytheism. I'm sensing that I need to include some more explanation on the order/chaos dichotomy, and I will buy some more books on its ancient writings next saturday

I hate discourse about poetry. People make leaps of logic way, way too easily about things, blowing single words into multipage screeds about the secret meaning behind its inclusion in the poem. Actually physically talking about it devolves into indecisive, overly-generalized nonsense delivered in irritatingly soft, undetermined voices. Whenever I bring up the fact that we're frequently just reaching walls of subjectivity that, in order to pretend we're doing something, we pretend don't exist and impose meaning on the poem that there's no particular reason to assume is correct, I get (softly and figuratively) called a brainlet and that I just don't get it.

I swear to Christ, we spent an hour in seminar today trying to get past the question "What do we do with poems we disagree with philosophically but are aesthetically pleasing?" because no one would admit that there was no objectively correct answer, but simultaneously were too timid to even strongly argue their own positions, constantly waffling and trailing off. "It's difficult" was said about once a minute. I wanted to tear my hair out.

Why won't people just OWN THEIR FUCKING OPINIONS and leave it at that?

>>14048778
>Why won't people just OWN THEIR FUCKING OPINIONS and leave it at that?
Most of the time I dont know what my position on something is. I have a bag full of ideas, though they are unconnected, vague and superficial - only a few rare ones are worth a nickel. I guess many people are like this. I find it understandable to be hesitant in voicing your opinion, when an opinion should be something, atleast partly, coherent, partly interesting, partly intelligent. Generally I would agree with you. Be a good example and do what you think is the right thing. As to your disliking of certain kinds of poem analysis, I get what you feel, and do think the pseudory is rather grating; but, at the same time, it is interesting to see a person, taking a given set of symbols, building his own symbolic object - as if the poem is a door to somewhere, and everyone arives somewhere else. Eh, I agree with you practically and disagree with you theoretically.

>I swear, gentlemen, that to be too conscious is an illness – a real thorough-going illness. For man’s everyday needs, it would have been quite enough to have the ordinary human consciousness, that is, half or a quarter of the amount which falls to the lot of a cultivated man . . .1

Back after getting banned for requesting suicide methods on /k/. I stopped drinking since then and got a therapist appointment scheduled for this weekend, an extremely quick turnaround for which I'm thankful. I don't know if I have body dysmorphia, OCD, or if I'm just a tranny or whatever, maybe i'm just schizoid. I'm very neurotic as you can tell. My boss saw I was struggling at work so he pulled me into an office, turned the lights down low and asked if I might be oppressed by an evil spirit. So I got that going for me, which is nice.

I'm visiting a mosque for the first time tomorrow. I have studied the religion for about a year, I pray 5 times daily. Lately my faith has been unstable: it was very intense for a week and now it seems kind of empty and confused. But I hold onto it, I stand in the folds of Gods mantle and will not let go. I'm a relatively lonely person and I really hope to feel at home in this mosque. I visited another one earlier but it was not very personal, and it was just full of lots of people. not my kind of place. this one seems more personal. i want to belong somewhere, and where better than with people who view life like I do and can help me understand. I hope, I hope. Insha'Allah it will be good.

>>14049449
>confused
I had a personal theology that worked, but then I realized that true free will didn't fit in my model. It can, sort of, but I had developed almost a whole language for what I saw as my complete view of the world. I prayed that God would give me knowledge. He did, and now I am confused. Patience.

Last 3 times i had a date with a girl i was oblivious to the opportunities i had to fuck them.

I am physically insane. I need wet cotton panties and lesbians in my life.

>>14049635
>t. autogynephile rape hon

>>14049640
I don't know what any of those words mean.

>>14049647
do you know what the words 'have sex' mean?

>>14049647
it's not my job to educate you sweetie

>>14048069
It's called subitizing. It's the immediate intuitive perception of small quantities of objects. Psychologists have determined that the mind can hold about 7 distinct objects in consciousness simultaneously.
All it says philosophically is that our bandwidth for the direct perception of quantity is hard-capped because of memory constraints.

test

We’re witness to the upheaval that follows the death of hope. We touched the highest of heights following the death of the USSR, and however cynical everyone convinced themselves maybe *this* time would be different. Perhaps this time we will succeed where our progenitors failed.

Clearly this is not the case: an echoing nihilism grips this world, from the lowliest serf to godlike rich of the western world— were bereft of sincere ideology and religion, long since having seen whether we realize it or not the empty core that culminates this existence.

It infects us with a pervading unrest— indeed, some seek to assuage it by draping themselves in ideology like insulation before the biting agony of the winter outside. Others fall prey and can’t mold themselves to this new world, becoming medicated husks to forever till the gears of this machine. All the while we stare our doom in the face as our world comes crashing down around us, the burning torch of the Republic dimmed to naught but an ember.

What will the decay and impotence of the US pervade in the near future I wonder? What will succeed us in this world where we hold the very power of the divine in our hand, clever monkeys forging a world of golden wonders while we kill ourselves in the streets.

My schedule for today lists a six-hour self-accusatory depression

>>14049714
only six?
check out this jovial fucker here

>>14035555
What I really wanted to do was not losing anything, not risking a thing. It is ironic, I didn't want to lose anything, my solution to that was losing everything, so in the end I would have nothing to lose. I started to lose my temper, lose my ambitions; lose the things that made me who I am. It felt like a really long fall.

>>14049733
so I take it you've landed? how are things down there?

>>14035692
you should just skate. you'll feel pain and you'll also be cooler. when you notice improvement, it will boost your mood and confidence, and your overall mental health will improve.

>>14049733
My emotions made me really unstable. Do you know the weird, drunk-like happiness, and the apathy that makes you tired and hollow when you think everything is meaningless? My mood fluctuates between these two extremely opposite emotions. Getting into an empty wardrobe and asking "What good would studying for that heat transfer midterm do for me?" to yourself, generalizing questions until you question your existence and there's not enough air in the wardrobe.

>>14049740
There's no bottom as long as you breathe anon.

>>14049746
My problem is I only make attempts to make a difference. I feel like everything is pointless but necessary. So things get harder for me. I never work on things until they bear fruit. I run away. That’s the problem. Work on things that you want to work on. To know what you want, try to understand who you are. BUT IT IS POINTLESS! Doesn’t matter how I think about it, doesn’t matter that I know there should be a meaning, a purpose to orient myself around, I find this very act pointless.

>>14049764
Why would I be like this? Full of nothing but self-contempt and discontent? Don’t I want to sacrifice my pluro-potentiality for becoming an adult and taking responsibility? Freedom never comes free. I don’t feel like I need freedom, since I don’t want to do anything. I don’t know what to do with freedom. I am not afraid to traverse the unknown territory. I just have no idea what good will it do for me. Why lift a load if there’s nothing in it for me?

>>14035555
I went to the acquaintance meeting of my college’s community volunteers club. Maybe because my uncle has Alzheimer’s. It makes me apathetic. During first stage he used to recognize me but now he’s like my uncle’s body with the soul of a drugged chicken. Before me and my father visit him, along the way my father talked about how a good person my uncle was, like he died. Because the brother he knew was dead. So I want to go to old age homes and make lonely elder people feel better.

males are such viscerally disgusting creatures, looking at one ruins my day every time I see one

>>14049904
I think you mean whites, ma’shallah.

Truly will it be a holy day when Allah smites the white race from Midgard.

My stomach is bad again today. Even worse, for the third day she hasn’t walked by my desk. The portion of my mind that invents things tells me she’s on to me. When I’m more lucid I realize she still doesn’t know I exist. Or that if she does, that I’m an insect that happens to sit near the kitchen. My plan, when I’m well, is to offer her food. (My department receives free food in the kitchen and hers doesn’t.) in my imagination, this conversation is when I become a person in her eyes. In reality I’ll remain an insect.

>>14036983
All three of them

>>14035555
Talking to people feels pointless. If a "friend" doesn't look at me when I walk past him, I feel relieved since there will be one less person that I feel obligated to talk to. And I laugh at something most people would find unfunny on the street, it feels really liberating.

I've started to write down my dreams in a little notebook whenever I wake up. Last night I had a surprisingly good sleep and a fairly interesting dream. There isn't much use in repeating it here, since most of it pertains to people in my life though I will mention that towards the end Iggy Pop punched a man who was harassing me on the street. I said, "I love you, Iggy" and he gave me a winning smile.

>>14049873
I volunteer at an Alzheimer's home and it's rewarding for an autist like me. You don't have to talk that well and all of the resident's appreciate you just by being there. I would definitely do it anon.

>>14047951
>>14047993
You are right in that all books have some sort of conflict. But is conflict necessary for humans? I was raised under the impression that conflict should be avoided as much as possible in order to not stir up any trouble, but it seems as if I cannot avoid it. Where can I go to read more on this?

>>14050069
Ideally you shouldnt look for trouble but be able to stand your ground.

>>14050008
Dream books are the best. Dreams become crystal clear, and when it is a lucid dream it's great. Went to shopping with Emma Watson, made an interview with Keanu Reeves, stared at a giant black jumping spider that has a head as big as mine and slowly moving fangs. Dead cold because I thought if I move it could kill me in an instant. With HM static. Great experiences.

>>14035555
I just talked to two of my honest friends, talking to people who care about me reminds me that I'm not completely lost. It made me happy.

I'm still pissed off that my parents mutilated my dick

>>14050176
Here anon, let me kiss it better :3

I find myself wondering on one question - is it possible to do random things and stumble upon your "talent area"?

>>14050196
sure whatever, It's not like I would feel it

>>14050084
That's an interesting way to put it. I've been told I need to be more assertive in defending my own beliefs and not let people walk over me. Perhaps this is the good kind of discussion/introspection that might lead to a good change in my life. Cheers

>>14050069
You should not go seeking trouble. But you should confront conflict when it gets to you.

>>14039407
someone... pls...

Okay guys I'm here now, let's go

The idea of having sex is completely incomprehensible to me. I understand how it works mechanically obviously but I can't imagine the series of events that would have to occur for me to actually do it. Like even if I miraculously started going on dates with a girl I don't think I could possible manage to go beyond kissing her (and even that's hard for me to picture). It blows my mind that almost everyone I know, from my weird geek acquaintances to my friends to my coworkers to randoms on the train all have sex. While my virginity itself doesn't bother me that much it does feel like I'm separated from the rest of the world at times, like there's this huge facet of life that's just missing in me.

>>14050533
Your problem is that you think it all has to happen out of your own actions, rather than a half half sorta deal. I was in a similar position till I went on a date with some girl that ended in a way that basically made it impossible for me not to kiss her, naturally.
I'm still dealing with the sexual harassment proceedings, but it was worth I guess.

>>14050475
Don't go on SSRIs. They're based on outdated junk science. Meta-analyses of the drugs show they are virtually ineffective at treating depression and anxiety. The entire premise that seretonin is the main neurochemical agent regulating mood is questionable. More likely what you need is a dopamine agonist or reuptake inhibitor.

https://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-blog/ssris-virtually-ineffective/

>>14050604
Indeed, the fact that dopamine is the far more likely causal agent for elevated mood, and that this knowledge has been available for decades, betrays bad faith on the part of the pharma industry.

SSRIs have a pacifying, quelling effect. They make you content enough to shuffle around and go to work but not buoyant. Take a whiff of cocaine (which acts on dopamine) while depressed and see the symptoms vanish in an instant. The problem is high levels of dopamine create a more independently motivated and unsociable mindset.

I hate having a male body.
>Receding hairline
>Linebacker shoulders
>Ogrish brow
>Giant head
>Deep voice
>Giant hands
>Small eyes
I've spent so much time on trans forums and learning how to clock AMAB people that I'm hyper aware of every masculine trait I have. I've had to take down all the mirrors in my apartment. I even avoid breathing without having white noise playing because it sounds so gross. Burping, sneezing, and hiccuping too. It's just a hyper consciousness that I can't get out of my head. It's left me an anxious wreck. Alcohol amplifies all of these feelings (and paradoxically numbs then too) so I've quit drinking. Phenibut helps, but that wears off sooner than I'd like. For some reason, I have the mental expectation that my body is supposed to be feminine, no idea where it comes from. I have exclusively male interests and don't kind being a man socially (that much, it's not perfect), I'm attracted to women too, so it's not because I'm a repressing gay or anything like that. I'm seeing a specialist to talk about this soon, but I don't know what they can really help me with. Maybe it's just anxiety about aging or something, my hair has been really going these last few months and I'm getting a lot of body hair I didn't used to have. Ugggh

my psychologist told me people who have ADHD-inattentive (like me) tend to have a above average IQ. I'm pretty sure it's bullshit cause ADHD is caused by an underdeveloped frontal lobe... which means I'm actually retarded.

>>14050769
you're mentally ill

>>14050821
I don't disagree. It's pretty much my entire personality at this point.

I used to comfort myself about mortality with the idea that it's all in aid of the continuous cycle of rebirth and that eventually the whole universe will collapse in a big crunch and cause another big bang, and this probably happens for eternity so it's just a process of continual change

then I found out that in 2011 they discovered that a heat death is now the most likely of the theories about the universe's life cycle and they've ruled out a big crunch / cyclical model of the universe as a possibility

so it really is just a continual running down, running out, one way street to oblivion and one day there will be no more change, no more possibility, no more life or existence of any kind, no rebirth, our existence is a one-off aberration

I'm scared again

>>14050633
I've been on adderall before for ADHD. Now I'm not sure I even have ADHD, as some symptoms of anxiety are similar (inattention, lack of motivation, isolation, and so on). Adderall, however, makes my anxiety much worse. To the point of delusion and derealization, on higher doses.

>>14050856
It's impossible to really know in 2019 how the universe and existence itself will end, I'm curious to know what 2011 "discovery" gave you such concrete confirmation

>>14050972
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/10/111004091704.htm
these guys' work in part

>>14050769
On the flip side I have the opposite of most of those traits but instead of being a qt anime trap I'm just a childish, weird looking man.

>>14051062
actually I have had people misgender me a few times, I'm pretty sure it's because they thought I was trans and wanted to be polite though kek. I don't know how anyone can look at my face and go "yeah that's a girl."

>>14051086
It's not fair

Black hole sun
Won't you come

>>14051229
Soon brother.... Soon

i hate taking pisses and shits. it used to not bother me, i even enjoyed them in the past, but now i just get annoyed that i have to shit or piss, like "fuck, this again?"

>>14036660
Don't worry about it at all
>>14036689
What is the significance of the white capirote? What crime does it represent penance for? Been trying to find out for a while now but this seems like one of those bits of information it would be opportune to erase from search results.

>>14035555
I'm thinking about a story I'd like to write; it's about a girl in a post apoc urban setting where her group get dragged into a conflict resulting in her getting her right arm blown off, and how she'll need to live with that in her world. The setting is a bit scifi mixed with post apoc, so there's many factions around the ruins of a previously large urban city.

>>14050859
It's all very hit and miss. Psychopharmacology is very much like throwing shit at the wall expecting some of it to stick. Adderall is a subclass of amphetamine and does act on dopamine . It could be that your anxiety is correlated with an agitated state of over-alerness, in which case stimulants would not be your fix.

Contrarily, dopaminergic action could give you a boost of confidence and boldness that would overwhelm your anxiety .

The psychological content of anxiety is basically an assumption of ones own inability to tolerate life's stresses. A boost in dopamine would counteract it , in theory , by imbuing you with a dash of bravado .

Adderall also acts on norephinephrine, which probably explains how it made your anxiety worse. This chemical activates fight or flight response.

If America is the "land of the free" then how come I don't have the right to kill people? Why is it the government's business if I want to put a bullet in someone's head?

>>14050803
I have a friend with a near genius level of intellect who also has ADHD. He explained to me a sensible theory about how it could have an adaptive benefit .

He is always one to notice things at the far fringes of awareness. Whenever something odd would happen outside what everyone else was paying attention to, he'd be the first to nice. That's because his attention was more ambient, distributed than the average . His mind is always jumping to something else, and thus the set of things that pass under his awareness exceeds that of neurotypicals. He is like a human radar .

However, ADHD is not probably not the sole cause of this. It interacts with his extraordinary intelligence to produce novel results , just like many mental disorders

>>14051465
>First to nice
Notice

>>14051394
focus on finishing middle school first kiddo

>>14051394
I think it's because the moniker "land of the free" is nothing more than a platitude born out of a distant revolutionary history whose concept of freedom was wholly different to the modern one, but I'm not sure bruh

Popsicle stick philosophy.

>>14051394
>>14051912
the absolute state of brainlets

Last year I took a couple of homemade LSA (psychedelic related to LSD) doss and I'm pretty sure it's permanently altered my psychology.

>>14050803
I know how you feel. I have ADHD and without medication I feel retarded.

I'm painfully asynchronized socially. I fear inaginary judements from those I interect with. I'm afraid of being direct and I often construct elaborate artifice in order to speak to people. There's a girl I like in my uni classes but I can't speak to her myself directly, so I followed her to the bus stop and "accidentally" dropped some of my books so she could help me pick them up because I wanted to say hello to her but I had to create a situation where she could interact with me through artifice

>>14036206
Meditation is the practice of Death

>>14051944
Did you extract from Morning Glory or Hawaiian Baby Woodrose? I'm dying to try Psychs but don't know where to start.

>>14051949
Well put. How do people just walk up and talk with somebody?

>>14051949
you just created a context where it was appropriate to talk to her. you can recognize other contexts where it's appropriate to talk to her if you don't want to create them yourself. you're correct in thinking that if you just approached her out of the blue, for no reason, and started talking at her that she would think you're weird.

>>14051979
morning glory as you can get the seeds basically anywhere
honestly I wouldn't really recommend it except for sheer curiosity, it wasn't a "fun" trip like you'd associate with acid for me, it was like being in a deep dream while being awake (which incidentally has made the thought that waking reality is just another level of dream stick with me, even if I don't believe it fully). I got some visual stuff with the second, higher, dose but it just seeing patterns on things, not colors and warping walls and stuff.

I want to try some proper psychedelics at some point but I haven't had a good chance, I know that I'm high strung enough to NEED a nice, safe setting to do it.

>>14035560
yeah fuck him

There was a pretty lady on the bus today and I had the sudden urge to vigorously sniff her hair, even though I was aware that it likely was pungent and filthy. The simple intimacy of simultaneously touching and angering some stranger tempted me, but my consciousness quickly reined me back. A close call.

I just finished playing Disco Elysium and it was pretty fucking good.

>>14037682
No one likes turning twenty.

>>14036205
You might not always be alone. You're still a spring chicken and things can change for you, even without trying, because you're still developing. Come back when you're 35 and you'r shit's all consolidated. I know of some ugly ducklings who the second wave of puberty hit them and changed everything. Exercise, develop your mind, and abandon hopelessness.

I'm considering embracing loneliness. There's something about me that scares everyone away. It hurts, unfortunately.

I was in such despair yesterday that I couldn't even put a name to it. I imagined how good it would be if my mind were to slip off the edge over an endless abyss, and how our drive to annihilation is just as valid as a reason for our existence as any other proposed in all of our precipitous rise and likely as-precipitous fall of mankind. And yet that's all inexorably past, passed into that eternal yesterday indistinguishable from all others that make up that word. For now I just feel at peace and within myself.

>>14052284
You ever read Rilke's Letters to a Young Poet? He treats the topic of loneliness in a very unique way, though his message may not necessarily be: that to be alone is potentially the most positive experience you can ever have as a person

>>14052309
I haven't read it, no. I will. Maybe it will cheer me up.

At night my delusions about the woman at work run wild. I imagine my schemes to approach her actually working. During the day, under the soul-deadening florescent lights, I lose all bravery. Then my stomach fills with acid and I'm paralyzed at my desk.
I hope my plan succeeds tomorrow so I can at least hear her voice at last. I think she grew up in Brooklyn. Will she have an accent? I hope she does have one, if it means she won't speak in the dead neutral tone of every other professional woman in Manhattan.

>>14041200
Unironically, welcome to the club

I had a bizzare dream the other night where my younger brother--or rather a simulacrum of him--handed me a pistol. Except it was a technologically antiquated type of handgun, a revolver. Something about the revolver seemed harmonious to me; it was a balance between ultimate killing capacity and levity. You only have six shots, so whatever you're trying to kill ought to be worth it. Miss a few times and you're done.
The very limitation of the weapon enforces a morality. This perhaps is the most fatal moral argument against the public sale of high-cap fully automatic assault rifles. Killing in that instance is inherently an act of either cowardice or (military) necessity. Otherwise, the act of killing implies a universal judgement that ought to involve every moral fiber of one's being.
Anyways going back to this dream, I was bewildered why my younger brother was handing me a revolver. I held it in my hands in pure ecstasy; it was a liberation, my truth. Still, the panicked state my brother was in sent me into terror and sorrow. I felt that it was all up to me to protect him, and the same hopeless abyss that gnawed at him was nipping at my fringes.

I really want to die and I think I’m getting closer to actually being able to do it. It’s so hard. I know I will never be “happy.” That’s no longer what I strive for. But I at least want to be comfortable with myself, I don’t want to hate myself, I want to be content with the person I am. But this seems impossible. I reach out to people, and I still feel lonely. I try to take care of myself, read more, and I still feel so unsure of myself and hate the things I said or thought in the past and regret little things I do throughout the day. I exercise and eat right and continue to hate my body. I hate the person I’ve become. I hate the amenable, spineless coward I am. I’ve grown into such a rotten adult, and I just keep thinking that I should’ve died before I could become this person.

Sometimes there are such shattering moments of lucidity and epiphany that briefly it seems if the heavens themselves have split apart, that life itself has been made comprehensible in all its deepest and most obscured contours. And I think the constant search for this, for this next high if you will, constitutes the main tragedy, but sometimes even triumph, of all readers and writers, preachers and scientists, artists and dilettantes alike. The Spirit of gravity that drags us back down to Earth is the most significant force in this world

>>14051394
It says it there right in the constitution.
>>14051912
Don't pretend America isn't emblematic of the completion of some Hegelian dialectic. It's formation is logically sequenced to the French Revolution, and explains in many ways why the French were economically and militarily supportful of the Americans during the revolution. It's not that they believed their own revolution was a success; in fact it was more likely viewed as a tragedy. In the end it wasn't simply antagonism towards the British that motivated them, it was the hope that the lost ideals of the french revolution would find final expression in America.

Indeed, in many ways the development of the American ideal in actualizing Enlightenment values parallels the supposed actualization of Abrahamic religion by Islam. The same Hegelian dialectic reaching a point of convergence is expressed in both cases in appearance.

Hegel in contrast saw the east as inert of dialectic, more occupied with an internal balance. Which perhaps explains why India and China, despite their potential, have never seemed to emerge as an imago does from its chrysalis.

>>14052539
Actually I'm fag. The American revolution happened before the French revolution. I had it a bit backwards, the French took inspiration from the Americans, and it's telling that the French revolution happened 3 years after the conclusion of the American revolution.

>>14052559
>3
6

I'm en route to her party.

>>14035555
I night I can't sleep, I toss and turn, candle sticks in the darks, visions of bodies being burned,

>>14050224
yeah, I'm pretty sure that's how it works

>>14036193
I'm 34 and things have never been better.

>>14050769
looks like butterfly forgot to use xher name and trip on that post.

>>14048575
>1.3 MiB for that shitty spoiler pic
Jerk

>>14053095
>yeah, I'm pretty sure that's how it works
But from what i've read highly talented people started from yearly years rather than 30-40.