/lit/ - Literature

>>11945880
Beths butt was big and the table hurt so she counts clouds

>>11945880
The hard wood felt good as Beth straingtned her back against it. The blanket she brought with her helped. Warren had decided to lay in the grass. You could see a ladybug crawl across his arm as he dozed off. Beth looked up.The wind was strong enough to move the clouds gently northward. She counted them as they passed by.

Absentminded Beth was sitting on the bench counting clouds.

>>11945880
>writing good

It should be "writing well."

>>11945928
I will use my writing for good, but to do that I must write well.

>>11945880
What if we were the bench and she sat on us?

>>11945880

The lesions etched into Beth's vaginal lesions seemed to sizzle and stew in her discomfort. "Woe is me for my pussy finna receive a dabbin but I regret it now mightily," said Beth, the dim whore

Beth has clouds in her anus

>>11945880
Beth didn't give a fuck about conventions. She stepped right on the bench and plopped her ass right on the table. She didn't want to sit where a thousand other asses had drilled farts into the bench. Her face compressed as she perused all of the faces present.
>Fuck all of these people. Why am I even here?
Bored with all of it, she looked at the sky - hoping for some kind of solace for the time she needed to kill. Nothing but meaningless blobs greeted here gaze.
>Even the clouds are boring. One.. two... three... Fuck this - fuck all of these people. I'm not staying here for this.
As her feet hit the ground she realized how easy it could be - just one foot in front of the other until she was far out of sight of those faggots - free.

Beth sat on the picnic table and begin counting clouds, exposing her slutty neck. "That one looks like a butterfly."
"That one looks like a cat."
"That one looks like a boat."
"That one looks like a pond."
"That one looks like a horse."
"That one looks like a map of Arizona."
"That one looks like a handgun."
"That one looks like a shelf full of canned goods."
Shut the fuck up, I said. You're lying. There isn't a single cloud in the goddamn sky.
Children are so fucking retarded sometimes.

The smell of fall filled the air. Beth sat at a picnic table while her mind wandered. Over cast skies provided her with ample clouds to morph into queer shapes with the power of her imagination. A blob, a cube, a spilled glass of milk? What good were her vivid dreams of strange geometry If she’d neber be able to convey her thoughts to paper. It had been a year since the accident. The stubs on the end of her arms resembled the end of a butcher’s sausage.

Thankfully the walk home was short, the sun began to set. The thin rays of light shown through the parting clouds. Beth’s father Andy was a carpenter by trade, but gave it up after the accident. He cares for Beth during the day while Margaret teaches grade school. Her health insurance was a necessity for Beth.

They had worked out a system, Beth would kick the screen door three times to let Andy know she was home. Knock knock knock. After a moment the door opened. Andy’s face was jovial and he smiled with his half crooked yellow teeth. He didn’t have the usual cigarette in his mouth which meant he was ready to speak.

Before Beth could greet her father, he spoke to her through the thin screen door.

“Honey the Cleveland Clinic called, Dr. Rossman accepted our application for the transplants.”

>>11946030
Your eight page treatment will probably read well but the straight-to-cable afternoon drama that they make out of it is going to be shit. Suck it up, though. The treatment lingers in the hands of the studio executives:
>You know who we need for this one?
>Yeah - that asshole that wrote the story about the broad with the chopped off arms.
>Exactly what I was thinking. Let's give that faggot a call.

>>11946056
Yea because i really give a fuck about Beth and her dumb missing arms. Don’t insult me with the assumption that this is the best i can do

>>11946064
>Don’t insult me with the assumption that this is the best i can do
You apparently cannot read for shit because my post opened with:
>Your eight page treatment will probably read well
Followed by my opinion of how the screenwriter would butcher your work:
>the straight-to-cable afternoon drama that they make out of it is going to be shit
I truly liked the style of what you wrote but I can also see that anything made OUT OF IT by others is going to be trash.
>Don’t insult me
I didn't. Read better next time. In my closer, people recognize the value of YOUR work - even though it gets hamfisted by others - and come looking for you. Lighten the fuck up. It was a good piece.

>>11945880
What do you mean by "pop"? Stand out? Vibrant?

Entreating thing, her gown trimmed gold,
Within pink-violet petals sewn,
Of cotton fresh and softest fold,
She sits upon an azure throne.
Too soon, with blush and maidenhead,
She goes to her far cloistered bed.

Beth leaned back and sighed. The edge of the picnic table left a comfortable ache in her back as her hands wandered back and forth across the bench's rough surface. What about splinters? Her hands dawdled for a moment before picking up pace again- faster, more terse. Beth raised her eyes from the parking lot to the sky. There where four clouds now. Beth giggled as they danced for her, then her eyes dropped back to the lot. Three cars. Mum was late. The clouds would have to do for now. Beth's hands where getting sore. It was getting dark now, and the clouds where starting to hide themselves in the violet of evening. Four cars now, and one uncle Henry. He looked very, very tired. "Where's Mum?"

>>11946102
>What do you mean by "pop"?
It's just niggerspeak for "write something with these ideas that is interesting".

>>11946127
Oh I read the prompt wrong, my bad

>>11946064
Plus - just to share my tism - your last two digits were 30. Then mine were 56 (5x6=30). Then you responded and got 64 and my counter-response got 88 (8x8=64).

>>11945880
>They served ice cream at the anniversary every year, the same old blue truck that Freeman used to drive. There was a parade, a stream of great green tanks that made the ground shudder, trucks that reminded Beth of fire engines, but instead of a white ladder they strained under the weight of ballistic missiles. There was a blue star on the side of each one, and she imagined them kissing the edge of the atmosphere, the five-point star passing the glittering night sky before the rocket acquiesced to gravity and screamed back into the atmosphere. There were men in white uniforms wiring a console to a battery of launchers, out in the grass beneath the hill with the picnic tables. Others carried fireworks and loaded them into the black tubes.

"We celebrate with rockets, too," Beth said. Mark was silent, but Beth knew he wasn't ignoring her. He had served two tours, he had his own qualms with the Patriots and Hellfires that the toy-soldiers in the pyrotechnics display were miniaturizing. Despite everything, Mark still looked young.

"Did you like the food?" He asked. He knew it was meaningless when he said it. Beth knew that was what he wanted.

"I always like burgers, even when they're not good. They still taste like when I was a kid." An implication hung in the air and neither of them dared touch it.

"Me too," said Mark. He held her hand but looked far off in the distance. Past the tiny regiments of firework artillery in the field, past the oak trees that had only grown twelve rings since the writing of the New Constitution, since the end of the war. Past the army barracks and the hazy blue silhouettes of the Rocky Mountains. Mark was thinking about when the flag had fifty stars on it instead of just one, the star that the government said stood for "sovereignty". So was she.

Beth sat on the old red picnic table and counted clouds. The sun crawled down behind Pikes Peak.

>>11945880

Beth got up on the picnic table. This was no easy matter, for it was a high picnic table, higher than what is considered average, for picnic tables, and Beth was small in stature, smaller than what is considered average, for a nine-year-old girl. Nevertheless she managed it, with her usual determination, executing a graceless little leap and heaving herself up with her scrawny arms. Having completed this maneuver, she rolled onto her back, her long blonde hair outspread about her, and began to count the clouds, describing what she saw in her small, delicate voice. I could make out very little of what she said, though I said I agreed with all of it. I did not even look at the clouds. From where I was sitting, on my lawn-chair, I could see only Beth's skinny legs spread out on the table, and her summer dress fluttering with the breaths of the breeze. Now and then the wind lifted it, and I caught a glimpse of her long, thin, golden legs, the bony knees, the taut smooth skin of her thighs. And now and then, in the dimness, disclosed by that rising fabric, for brief instants, I caught caught sight of her feminine penis.

>>11945884
Not great
>>11945891
Terrible
>>11945902
Awful
>>11945946
OK
>>11945953
Horrible
>>11945996
Could be worse
>>11946030
Good
>>11946102
Lovely poem
>>11946113
Alright
>>11946194
Not bad
>>11946205
A masterpiece

Perched upon a picnic bench Beth sat and idly counted the clouds of people walking by and counted the clouds of moisture floating in the sky and counted the clouds of worries trod across her mind and found it added up to nothing much at all.

>>11946205
Winner.

>>11946205
Nice

>>11945880
I saw Beth sit her juicy slim-thick rear on the table as she began to count clouds and let me tell you, I had never before in my life been more jealous of a table than in that moment.

>>11945880
Beth sat on the old picnic table. It’s age wasn’t clear, but the sun bleached counter top and rusted frame made it apparent that the table was almost as ancient as some of the trees. She did not mind it however, in fact she rather preferred it. The old table was warm and dry due to it sitting in the sun, making it very comfortable to sit on. The wood chipping peeling off were only to the left corner of the table, making it an inconvenience that is easily avoided. She looked at the sky, drawn to the purity of the sky, a light blue blanketing the sky with little white clouds interrupting the serenity of the scene. She started to count the clouds, their sweet young innocence contrasting against the mature calm of the sky. There were 13 in all varying in size and transparency.

>>11945880
>Beth sat on the picnic table and begin counting clouds.
*began

>>11946102
Dislike vacuous, done-to-death antiquated styles that require attention to "understand", no matter how pretty they sound.

>>11945880
My Bethany, my darling girl, she sat upon the picnic bench and swayed upon hear seat, head back, and cutely numbered 'loud the clouds.

>>11947204
Antiquated? What's to understand, and why would it be bad to have to pay attention? Don't particularly care what you think, but you've got to bring some more to the table than that, I think.

>>11946205
nice

>>11945880
The sun at zenith, i lay my head down and tell the kids - " what nice weather, a cloudless day" - Tommy bursts in - "No dad there are many clouds on that site" - He begins counting the clouds, while Beth has already taken her place at the picnic table. We could be ourselves surrounded by bushes, it was just like being home.

>>11947191
I just realized I was repeating words. I really need to proofread my stuff

>>11947244
You can repeat yourself if it works/it's purposeful.

>>11945946
You realize "finna" means "fixing to", right? As in "I'm fixing to go to the store later." Don't get me wrong, I think ebonics is funny too, but at least use it correctly.

>>11947219
Im just saying i dislike your style. Paying attention impedes the visceral response of reading a poem. You treat poems like sculptures to be looked at and nothing more. Not just that, but classical sculptures from long ago, disconnected from the contemporary but nonetheless might look nice. I want more of a visceral reaction. An interactive, empathic relationship with a poem. One that speaks to me and doesn't just stand there.

>>11947423
Which elements/principles do you think I could improve on?

>>11947439
Nothing, I just dislike the style. Apples and oranges.

>>11947267
If it's used correctly then it isn't ebonics
t. grew up around jiggs

It had been a long time since I'd had a chance to sit.

My legs shook slightly as I eased into place on the worn bench. I leant the small of my back against the table; the pressure slightly uncomfortable. With my elbows firmly planted on the wooden bench, I let my head roll back. My neck creaked in protest, and my eyes closed, the familiar viens zigzagging across the backs of my eyelids. How long had we been walking? How long would we continue to walk? I had no answers. My feet shuffled in the dirt, creating tiny rolling hills and deep valleys.

I heard the others approaching and straightened my back; adjusting my position into something more formal. I watched the lazy grey clouds meander across the sky, pushed along by their invisible master. They were threatening to obscure the sun, taking away the heats purchase on my skin.

I knew it didn't have long left, anyway.

Crunching approached from my left, and people began to pass me. Their faces were worn and grey, like the clouds which framed them against the sky. They fitted in perfectly, as if they had had all the life sucked out of them. Dull, blank face after face walked past, until the crunching became a distant background noise. I sighed, taking in one last forlon look at the horizon; the looming, dark clouds ebbing in and out of existance. My body groaned as I stood, shuffling my backpack into a comfy position. My spine grated the worn pads, and I winced.

I turned my back on the grey clouds; their tendrils licking at the last remaining beams of sun. Somewhere in the background, a siren wailed and ash slowly began to filter down through the thick layers of grey.

And so, I began walking.

>pls no bully. This is my first time doing something like this ;-;

>>11945880

Heavy cumulonimbus clouds rolled in across the Texas panhandle, over the town of Amarillo. They brought with them the much needed rain that the farmers had been praying for. It had been a dry season, and the water tables were running low from irrigation. Two miles below the clouds, the farmer's daughter laid out on the picnic table. She had begun counting clouds when the rain started to fall, heavy drops out of the sky. She laid there for a couple of minutes. The rain was a break from the usual High Plains desert climate. But soon she was soaking wet. She got up off the table, her dress clinging to her skin as she walked to the door.

>>11947605
What is this, a fucking weatherforecast?

>>11947210
*her seat

>>11947630

I suppose you would rather read about her feminine penis?

>>11947516
That's the thing though, it isn't just lazy English, it has it's own rules.

any books about writing which would help getting better at it?

>>11946205
anon i..

The bench of the picnic table groans an animate sight when Beth seats herself on its old haunches. Many have placed themselves in this exact position: legs opposing the table surface, with bare feet cleated into the Astroturf; eyes interpreting the cumulus charade above. The park has recently become desolate, since the seasons changed, and a dewy permafrost bites into Beth's heels; reaffirming that her senses can still relay the message of impermanence. She's lived to see the unending cyclical nature of things coming to pass, forming distant mirages of infinity, and the dispersing of the fantasy of forever engulfing Beth like a clear sky being filled with veiny purple clouds; ready to burst.
She reaches into her purse, and pulls out the Makarov 9mm her late husband left behind. This is where they first met, and where she'll reunite with him. Beth lets out an audible groan, like the wearing haunches of the bench. She lets the barrel nestle against her chin, as she lifts her head, and tries to interpret the dancing bulges of the clouds.

Beth sat. She counted the passing clouds.
One...
Two....
Three....
Beads of sweat started to form over her brow.
Four....
Last night Beth had the most peculiar dream. She had been sitting on this exact bench, in this exact park, counting these exact clouds.
Five....
Six....
In her dream she counted. Once she had counted off eight clouds a low rumbling from the trees behind her had given her a fright. Despite this she counted on.
Seven....
Beth began to sweat more heavily, an unknown and irrational fear beginning to build.
Eight.....
A low rumbling from the trees...
In the dream she heard a feral howl and rushing footsteps as she counted off the tenth cloud.
Nine....
Beth exhaled through shaky lips...
Ten....
A scream split the air.
Why had she come here? Her dream was terrifying for reasons she couldn't quite express.
Eleven....
In spite of the previous night's odd dream she still came here.
Curiosity killed the cat.
Twelve....
In her dream she turned towards the footsteps after the thirteenth cloud.
An unspeakable abomination was closing in on her, claws outstretched.
Thirteen....
Despite her fear and against better judgement, Beth turned toward the footsteps.

>tfw dumb esl thatnever have good prose in english
>tfw reading almost exclusively in english has fucked up my spanish

The clouds looked down at the world and began to count Beths.


"That one looks like a stratus" said one, pointing to a waifish girl seated at a picnic table.


"Yeah, kind of" replied the other, disinterested.

The clouds sighed. There seemed end no to the tedium of the blue sky, the censure of the southerly winds. So they congealed and reformed, spat invective of rain and hail, exchanged tropophic gossip. As they had since time began - oppressed by flight, doomed forever to be free.

>>11948607
that will*
fuck me

>>11948611
*no end, not "end no"

>>11945880
Beth, the fat lass that she was, went out for a picnic with her dear parents on a clear Saturday afternoon.

The otherwise useless portable picnic table unfolded by the press of a button. "It's quite the novelty" said her well-meaning father.

When the father placed the dense chocolate cake on the table, the fat lass Beth decided now was the time to take a seat.

As she dug into the cake with her grotesque hands, her mother said "it's low fat, dear. Being that heavy isn't healthy." Beth pulled out her hands, letting them slide down, feeling the urge to fall down to the ground. And so she did.

While the fat lass Beth lay on the grass, legs straight up, she noticed the soft clouds floating up there, in the sky. Shutting out the noise of her parents arguing about her weight issue, she focused on the clouds, imagining them as giant pieces of cotton candy. She would keep this memory for later, along with the long desire of diving into a bath of liquid butter scotch.

>>11948701
Love it. 9.5/10, no blue-pill. Your prose flows well, your content is entertaining, and your usage is mechanically perfect.

Write for a living.

>>11948607
i know that feel, anon.

>>11948550
*SIGH....you fuck

>>11947258
Not him, but I did it in mine also. It sets a mechanical tone when done poorly. I would have caught it on a second draft.

>>11946205
pls go away Humbert

I had grown accustomed to watching Beth and the old woman. Taking a walk through the park one day you may see them there. Mother and daughter, every morning providing one another a reason to have another morning. Mrs. Gardeau puffs smoke gingerly from her flat, bruised lips as one releases air bubbles from one's asshole, afraid that someone else will hear. Beth, having grown tired of looking into her mother's wrinkled face all these years, looks upward. There are quite a lot of clouds. They ruin your perfect blue sky, don't they?

>>11945880
>writing good requires purposeful practice, don't expect to improve by just sitting down and "writing" whatever dumb shit flows out of your empty head
Nah, nope and not really.

>>11949529
So how do you improve?

Beth upon waking saw the clouds crowding the horizon and with no one around to count them, too, lonely white sky-sheep let out of the pastures inside her head and so she began to number and name them, one by one, trying get them back inside again before they came and closer and rained on ruining the wedding.

(English isn't my first language sorry.)

>>11949444
Absolutely asinine, childish imagery, you should be ashamed of yourself.

>>11948550
>groans an animate sight
Clumsy mix of senses.
>haunches
Benches have them? I think this is quite a weird description. Typically one sits on their own haunches. You dont go sittin on the nnonexistent arse of a bench.
>cleated
Made up word? Sounds weird anyway especially after bare feet.
>cumulus charade
I know cumulus is a type of cloud but what does this description mean and why is she interpreting it
>legs opposing table surfaces
Clumsy
>dewy permafrost
How can permafrost be dewy and would it not bite into her bare feet not heels?
>lived to see the unending cyclic nature of things coming to pass
This phrase is semantically abit problematic. what is this infinity/cyclic/impermaneance passage getting at anyway. Abit dense. And what are veiny purple clouds.
>Beth lets out an audible groan, like the wearing haunches of the bench.
Gives me the unsettling mental imagery of a person on the lavatory groaning his way through constipation. Stop with the haunches and im not sure groans conveys the emotion you want here.
>interpret the dancing bulges of the clouds.
Dont ever use the word interpret or bulge again.

6/10 - C+

>>11949293
Yeah, but wanted to say something because there are those who think that if you repeat a word too often it's bad, but that isn't always the case.

>>11950404
I'd like to see yours buddy.

>>11950346
Outside of reading and seeing how others do it?

Writing the stuff I want (tbqh my stories develop by themselves, all I have to do is record them) and then rewriting if I am not happy with the result. Repeat ad nauseam. If you have an ounce of objectivity (or take a long enough break) it shouldn't be too hard to tell if something isn't working.

Writers aren't journalists, as important it is to grab attention, in the end it's more of an art than a craft, and focusing on singular aspects doesn't make too much sense. It be the equivalent of Leonardo painting hundreds of paintings of clouds.

Tommy handed her the joint. “Look.” She placed it to her lips and took a slow puff, he waved the smoke away from her face and continued, “The entire point of…the reason why he murders the old lady is because he wanted to be Napoleon.”

“That's ridiculous!” Her laugh seemed perfectly natural in the park, a part of the surrounding nature.

“No, you see, he wanted to be great, and if an old lady stood between you and Nap–.”

Beth began twirling in circles with her arms spread out in an invitational manner. Tommy ignored her and continued. “If something bad…having to commit a criminal act, no, a sacrifice!”

She whirled around him in widening arcs, spiraling around him in hypnotic fashion, viewed from an aerial perspective not unlike a spinning disc – him, her center, her, elusive. He tried to make her understand.

“Look, it’s complicated, but it’s serious. Don’t laugh.” She eyed him, devious. “Don’t.” She giggled.

Tommy lunged at her. She pivoted and ran, he gave chase. She hopped onto a picnic table and jabbed a finger at the sky. Defiance? He thought. No, but what?

“Tommy, look!” Her neck was tilted at a near 90-degree angle. He squinted for several seconds at nothing in particular. “What, Beth?”

“Look.”

>>11951233
Do they fuck?

The defiled crawled and slumped upon the rotten planks of what once resembled a picnic table. The acerbic wind, flinging grit and sand, whipped against her peeling bandages wrapped around her face; and Beth looked up and was mesmerized like a child by the tenebrous, heavy billows that rolled as behemoths across the fields of air. For a moment, she was carried away- the majesty and awe bewitching her sense of being and she forgot her place on the diseased and destitute earth where for a year, at the prime age of 12, she suffered the ongoing ravage of syphilis. A tap on her shoulder broke her revery, plucking her wings, and she plummeted to the sea of reality.

>>11947841
Its good but too normy. Theres a couple ones i lile better like the gingerly smoked asshole and anthropomorphic cloud ones.

>>11952804

Disagreements -

>The defiled crawled and slumped upon the rotten planks

>like a child by the tenebrous, heavy billows that rolled as behemoths across the fields of air.

>and she plummeted to the sea of reality.

7/10 - B grade.

>>11953987
Disagreements as in contradictions within those phrases or you just don't like them?

>>11951233
Seems like angsty teen lit. The dialogue is too aimless to stand alone and even if its meant to build up to the end of the poem, it doesnt bring any tension and its too aimless to make an interesting diversion of attention which would complement your cliffhanger. All your passages start with the same she did/ he did. Not only is this repetitive but the character focus (on uninteresting characters) negates coherence and continuity in the text. I like the 5th paragraph but the aerial perspective spinning disc thing ruins the flow and is unnecessary, turning imagery that easily evokes a feeling to one that involves mechanical perspective taking. Same with the 90 degree head thing. It might work in a different context though.

>>11951233
6/10 - C+

>>11954040

First one doesnt make sense to be but maybe its a punctuation or syntax thing only.

Second purely because its quite ambiguous and without OP i wouldnt know what you meant, especially as air isnt synonymous woth sky.

Third i just dislike overly abstract phrases/metaphors etc etc that disconnect away from the character too much. They can be hard to understand by a reader or sound overly dense.

Help me lads, I want to stop playing video games as a hobby and read books again so I can craft a fictional story. Before graduating high school, I would always read in my free time because it was fun to me. Afterwards when I began wage slaving, I started playing video games instead because it was easier to relax.
Video games are fucking lazy and degenerate. How do I make reading a habit again? I can't even read a single passage if its not interesting to me. I want to be able to read again, even read the boring shit.

pls help

>>11951233
>>11954059
Correction - 5.5/10 - C

>>11954096
Wrong thread, friendo.
Unless you're Beth and this is some metaphor for counting clouds.

>>11954040
For the first i think its the ambiguity of defiled that makes it - not bad - but abit ambiguous or awkward because i am confusing the verb and adjective. Plus, if she is called beth i think you need a v good reason to refer to her dualistically as both beth and "the defiled".

>>11954133
Yeah, there's ambiguity in the word "defiled". I originally had her as a leper, so it was "The leper crawled...". Decided she would be a syphillac instead and just put "defiled" without thinking.

>>11945880
With Beth sitting on the picnic table clouds were sure to be counted.

A gentle breeze blew some more leaves in across the table Beth was reading a book and a leaf plopped itself on her book, she was getting really tired by the actions of the protagonist of her book he was making all the wrong choices and yet she wanted to read it. Suddenly there was sunlight and Beth looked up from her book the clouds had scattered and it looked like Beth was in the middle of the storm's eye, ofcourse there was no storm but Beth had always been a romantic she closed her book and looked at sun with her eyes closed the rays felt warm and cosy on her face if anybody looked at Beth it would almost look like she was counting clouds but she was just embracing the sunrays after a long long time.

>>11945880
Beth sat on the picnic table and began counting clouds, the cunt.

>>11954110
Which thread do I go to? Sorry I'm a newfag on /lit/.
I asked here because I thought reading was the first step to writing.

>>11954209
3.5/10 - D-

>>11954209
Unlike the others, this isnt problems with specific phrasing but an overall holistically problematic writing style. The syntax is unconstrained and lacks punctuation. It is a simplistic stream of description that lacks emotigeness plus the storm metaphor confuses the valence of the major passage events. Suddenly shes in the eye of a storm, then its warm and comforting. Also because of your simplistic phrasing, the "suddenly there was sunlight" seems abit clumsy.

And why did she want to read her book?

>>11954209
Writing should flow in a manner like music. There’s a good quote about sentences and punctuation but I can’t remember it. Break up you structure. Vary the sentence length, and it’ll come off better.

>>11951233
I'd read this book! Make whatever you want of that.

The clouds feel my resentment. They pull and push the muscles under my eyes, tussle amongst themselves to covet my agency as if it could be some form of restitution against how i feel. Is it strange to feel a marionette when ive always thought society the same? Am i a sheep like all of you who are now reading? It doesn't matter given my involuntary gaze. A gaze not my own
Again and again toward them. They want me to worship as the nadir to their zenith. They are not clouds. They are demons. Am i at dantes lowest rung? I am glad that i can still just about anchor myself onto what the sane person calls: earth, reality. Atleast this bench is still hard and earnest. I dont fall through it as I do through my own mind. But God just smiles, inspite of all the pain dispensed from him. Schizophrenics only one of those victims.

>>11954920
Drawn again and again toward them* i think.

"One... two... three... three clouds!" Beth said as she counts the clouds while eating her peanut butter crackers at the picnic table.

While she was counting her friend, Jenny came in and sat beside her. She wore a towel wrapped on her forehead.
Jenny sees Beth looking at the clouds wondering what she is thinking about.

"What are you doing?" Jenny asks

"Counting the clouds." She replies

"Why are you counting the clouds? For there is only three clouds so what is the point of counting them?"

Beth looks at Jenny's eyes, confused "Why do wrap that towel on your head? For you are not sweating, bleeding, nor religious so what's the point of wearing it?" Jenny tightens her fight, and her towel in embarrassment.

"N-no! It's for uh uh uh... ugh just can you share me some of those crackers please?"

They both began to count the clouds

"One... two... three... four clouds!"

End

>>11954920
Abit of a goal directed polemic and so i think you sacrifice writing for message but the message is appreciated. Your monologue is abit immature in the sense you reduce yourself to short sharp sentences. I guess a more realistic one would delve deeper into someones history and futures. Elaboration.

7/10 - grade B

>>11954962
>For there is
Anachronistic to your own text let alone yourself

>tightens her fight,
Clumsy

3/10 - fail - unconvincing dialogue. Nothing additional to merit.

>>11954962
Terrible dialogue, anon

>>11954920
And again, it is repetotive to start sentences through proper nouns or pronouns... He though, i am, they are, you are... Boring. You can also bind some sentemces together here via better punctuation.

>>11945880

Beth sat at the picnic table without food watching the clouds in the sky noticing how their shapes almost seemed to have been influenced by the wind conditioned by the nearby mobile petrol conversion factories being operated by humans like you to displace themselves from one formalised lack of humanity to another with convenience that obviously outweighs whatever negatives it's widescale adoption brings.

She almost had a thought that mattered; but then the sound of metal on metal screeching by a nearby tram on a faulty track was so loud and lasted for such a period of time so as to ensure interruption that almost seemed purposeful put an end to that.

She then had that feeling she gets right before... Her portable radiation emitter/receiver packed with all sorts of useful to her life sophisticated marketing systems had picked up a pertinent signal, and began vibrating!

It's Warren calling!

Warren is her lawyer.

You see the legal system Beth is dealing with, is built on a garbage extremely archaic non used poorly optimized non evolving non iterating no innovation allowed hyper formality language that requires a decade to be qualified to even use in practice with no alternatives (even if they can understand your language as everyone speaks English, they will pretend not to) and with a money requirement which ensures only the top 5% will be able to afford ever having access to, yet the consumer of the language is an elderly incumbent politician all under the guise of morality, ...

Beth has contracted Warren to "represent her" for the rape case she filed on some loser in a country she wants citizenship in, she is already married and convinced the desperate for love fool into making an aggressive sexual advance on her; there is far more to the story.

She brings the portable radiation emitter/receiver to proximity of her still basically identical to first human biology human head and answers the call...

>>11955136
4.5/10 - D+.

Ever heard of a sentence? You have verbal diarrhea. Your first sentence is three lines. You swiftly bung in technical language into the proverbial burglary bag in hope you sound intelligent. Was gonna sayvl paragraph 3-5 was bad, to be kind, but whole thing is terrible. And off topic. And save the technical stuff for when you can construct good sentences. Im sure its interesting. Just shit.

Change my mind.

3/10 - fail.

>>11955207
What grade do you give mine, anon?>>11947210

>>11955207
9 lines *

3- 5 wasnt bad*

>>11955255
Too short. Numbered 'loud seems overly affected. 3/10 for no effort. Fail.

>>11947210

>>11947210

no other pornography arouses you that you have to masturbate to me?

>>11945880
Beth gaping butthole engulfed the picnic bench, and she began to count clouds as the public property wove it's way around her intestines giving her a free colonoscopy (Guess we won't be needing that Jew doctor) as it made it's way out of the other side of her body she came since it's legs were scraping the outer wall of her vagina, delightfully.

>>11955393
Very ginsburg, very rimbaud - 7.5/10 - B+

>>11955376
?

>>11955417

you wanted a "grade" for your masturbation fantasy you made about me.

>>11955393

you want me too much.

>>11955407

you have a problem with women not being satisfied by you, and you seem to think that is relatable by me; you eat my shit even and beg me for more though.

>>11955207

don't be interested by me.

>>11945880
Beth, after all, was a girl that could in most cases calm herself down, if just for a bit, when facing highly stressful and/or dangerous times ahead.
Although many of the times for which she employed these types of techniques beforehand were a result of her own auto-destructive lifestyle and involved situations which most people would call surreal, awful for such a pretty girl, bizzare, extremely thrilling or just downright infeasible, Beth was personally very prideful of her succesful use of the techniques.
She used to tell people that her calmness and calmness only saved her life multiple times. Of course, most of the times she was speaking of this were times when Beth wanted to sound mentally strong and stable when she certainly was not, and was accompanied by various boasts of other for the most part untrue mental strengths, Beth did in fact master the technique of calming herself and, yes, it did in fact save her life a couple of times.
Anyhow, Beth decided to walk her way down to the location that day. On foot, with a bottle of water in her hand, no transportation. She walked, and walked, and walked through the city eventually finding herself strolling through a park not far away from her destination. She took a sharp turn right suddenly and walked to a remote picnic table at the park. She lighted a cigarette, closed her eyes, took a puff, looked at the sun as if though searching for affirmation, squinted and turned her head below, towards the picnic table, took another puff, looked up, and started counting clouds.
That was one of her techniques. Counting fucking clouds. While most people would find it unnerving rather than calming to try and count clouds as it’s quite similar to the counting sheep thing with dreams, Beth didn’t. Beth found it calming, and although she would never admit to anyone, this, her favorite technique when the sky was at least somewhat cloudy, she learned from a stepfather in Colorado. She didn’t learn anything else from him, but she learnt that, and she always found it odd that she cared enough to remember what he told her, but still, she thought it was a damn good technique, and it was, at least for her precious soul.
So Beth was counting clouds, but things were already getting really fucking rowdy very near her.
Sorry for any and all grammatical errors, I haven't written in English, or anything for that matter, in ages, though I doubt my level of knowledge of English would be good enough for writing prose in English at this moment anyway

>>11955440
Weirdo....


0/10 - faggot grade.

>>11955533

you don't actually want to slut shame

>>11955443
Write in your native tongue.

This us fine for second language not for first so 5.5 pass. C.

A Christian's self interest aligns with God's interests. "What God wants, I want. What is good to God is good to me". How then is it possible for them to act selflessly? How can they follow God's commands and interests selflessly when they are at the same time serving their own interests?

This has confused me greatly.

>>11955567
I do it when i see it. I dont.

>>11955575

You rate that text as half a point above average?

Even writing two sentences you have a spelling error.

A B C D E
100-90-80-60-50

A B C D
100-80-60-40

Grading in universities
Percentage Grade Point U.S. Grade Equiv
60–100 3.5–4.0 A or (O)
55–59 3.15–3.49 B+
50–54 2.5–3.14 B
43–49 2.15–2.49 C+

>>11955443

What is your native language?

>>11955581
Hows doing what's best for you selfish?

Your thinking is flawed

>>11955605

self·ish
/ˈselfiSH/
adjective
(of a person, action, or motive) lacking consideration for others; concerned chiefly with one's own personal profit or pleasure.

>>11955620
But God's thought would never align one with with that behavior.

I ask again.

How is doing what is best, ever imply it ma only be self gain?

How does
Best for your self = Lacking consideration for others

>>11955634
The better I do for others, the better society I live in. It all ultimately helps me.

>>11955596

"faggot" grade and 0/10 is slut shaming.

maybe instead of being a jealous cuckold trying to barrel into a rape case for a white supremacist to take more advantage of you than they are already the moron desperate for sex pawn that you are you can actually go and satisfy a woman enough that they don't require me to exist for their orgasm.

You concern yourself with other unimportant and stupid activities like trying to breathe like me even.

The greatest accomplishment in your life is pissing on a woman just because she is Turkish.

You have such less sexual experience you measure your life by basic sexual acts.

>>11955653
It helps everyone equally, does it not?
Anon, does a farmer get the biggest ration from his own crop?

>>11955653

"""white""" people don't like to credit their actual sources.

You don't have value to ever even think my name let alone type it.

You want to distribute my words?

Distribute these of my words to yourself then: "I should tell the truth to myself".

>>11955666
I do not understand the this here in my quote; " """white"""

Can you please extrapolate upon your niche verbiage?
Are you saying your Words are Divine?

>>11955664
But I am unable to will myself to do it because it helps everyone. I know in my heart I do it because it helps me. I like to pretend, but it is never true. I do not know how to change this.

I not trying to fuck anyone even remotely related to you.

I am not trying to piss on Bangladeshi people just because they Bangladeshi.

I don't owe a person more than a UNIVERSITY DEGREE.

Ungrateful parasite racist, you are no muslim.

>>11955600
Was too diarrheic and has overautobiographicization and stereotyped useage of character centred narrative.

Spelling? That doesnt matter in literature unless youre linguistically held back.

>>11955600
Youre making assumptions about what average is. My university grading was stricter but nonetheless my grades have nothing to do with that. I judge then i give the number later. And i have both a numerical and alphabetical scale. Dont get hung up buddy.

>>11955674

You are a """white""" person.

Go seek confirmation you aren't from other """white""" people as much as you want.

>>11955600
Writing alot isnt writing good amigo. Its about economy.

>>11955676
But this is God, remember his will is equal upon all.
As God is infinitely just, as he even put judgement upon him self, and he him self went to hell. It's true, it's in the Bible.
That is why having Faith onto the Son allows the forgiveness of our Sin. So even if we are selfish or not selfish we may be free to act.
Being Christian is being equal with all.


You will not have the will to help everyone equally until you let God help you

>>11955657
Faggot has nothing to do with sluts...
I cant even take you seriously so ill just ignore this faggot slut type conversation.

>>11955685
I do not know what you mean anon.
Is this a race thing, or a religion thing?
Your message is too obfuscated from basic understanding

>>11955600
A Slavic one, why are you asking?
What do you rate it, by the way?

>>11955679

I don't chase you.

I don't stalk you.

I not interested in anyone related to you or have to with you.

I not interested in you.

People who are muslim know the protocol when dealing with non muslim: I would never ever be interested in having any sex with not only you but any person that ever has sex with you, I have no interest in non peaceful people to my core.

You are just another device of white supremacy, it's pathetic.

>>11955695
Buddy, write something in line with OP or make your own thread..

>>11955708
You assume i am white...

>>11955700

Any person who has suffered racism will understand immediately what it means.

Any person who doesn't won't.

If you don't have the heart of a killer it's stupid of you to not be peaceful though.

>>11955686

No, you want it to be about "economy" because you are a """white""" person with a sexual freedom problem (you are a sexist, phobe and racist) that you decided should be my problem.

Really it's just sophisticated bargaining strategy, because I don't care what you do with your sexual life ever.

Try not slut shaming.

We not amigo's.

I don't believe in friendship, I only believe in Allah.

>>11955703

Maybe I love language.

Elise licked the coke smudge off the mirror and put it back into place, covering up the distasteful graffiti previous tenants had left, "If you boof it, it's free", nice.

>>11955717

Don't need to assume, you want my words directed at certain people those are my words.

"""white""" people care about skin color.

It's really just a convenient way of me saying "non muslim".

>>11955709
I started the tangent, not him.
I didn't think it deserved its own thread.

>>11955695
I ask daily for forgiveness and redemption. I'm told I'm meant to be spurred to action, but the motivations of myself and others who are spurred to action are suspect to me.

>>11955733
Maybe, if you like researching random languages here you go, Serbian.
Anon, you didn't answer my question though

>>11955686

Here is an economy lesson for you:

Lie to police to have them take someone hostage so you can then use the opportunity to try to extort their mother will result in a worse economy at a micro micro scale of just you, you won't succeed and you won't make me want you; then resorting to spreading dumb sexual rumors about me so you can have some worth to """white""" people, well you will only live to see the true nature of a """white""" person so I don't have to do anything for revenge except wait.

"A sky of blue and white. It's almost like a painting", thought Beth. The splotches of white that drifted aimlessly above the picnic bench to some indefinite destination enraptured her. "I'd be quite happy to be a cloud", Beth said as she lept off the picnic bench and shuffled to her mother's SUV.

>>11945880
Beth sat on an old wood picnic table.Sweat was dripping down her back and thighs. The tiny cut jeans she was wearing rode up on her reddened cheeks. *BRRRAPPP* As she leaned her body back onto the table, a loose wet fart made grace on the ears of Chad as he walked toward his women. He certainly knew that she had just shit out his cum. This made him smile with pride as he confidently strode on towards her. Beth's face conveyed great ecstasy. Her loins burned, and her thighs tightened as she smiled and counted the clouds.

>>11955752

Asking for a grade from me is stupid, I don't care about grades at all.

>>11955745
Stop pretending youre not prejudiced. You are the prejudiced one. Stop judging people you dont know. Stop being at war with people. Come on buddy.

This thread is fucccckkkked. New one?

>>11955773

People who think racism is prejudice have never lived the real thing, I would give my life for a life where that is what I considered racism.

Prejudice is just a constant racist annoyance I live that is very easily fixed most of the time, when it's not fixable you already know before it even comes.

>>11955759
Shut the fuck up dumb slut. You need a slap.

>>11955785
Shut the fuck up you drunk hobo slag.

>>11955773

You assume I judge people.

You assume I at war with people.

>>11955767
You don't have to rate it in grades

>>11955785
I don't judge anyone by skin color anon. Nor religion.


>>11955747
>I ask daily for forgiveness and redemption. I'm told I'm meant to be spurred to action, but the motivations of myself and others who are spurred to action are suspect to me.
Well we are all sinful anon, no one is perfect.

>>11955799

I have no concept of rating anything, if you ever hear me rating something you are probably hearing takiye.

You tell me what you rate it in grades.

>>11955793
Just shut the fuck up you fawkin dag

>>11955803

You either haven't lived racism or you are desensitised to it. It's not important at all.

I don't care about religion at all. I do care about who is and is not peaceful to me, just as any other human probably.

>>11955810
I thought more of a comment or the like, but if you absolutely don't want to ever rate anything, that's alright too

>>11955833
0/10

>>11955821
Mexicans and some blacks are racist to whites as well anon, it's not mutually exclusive.
In fact I literally experienced it earlier today.

>>11955833

I have only this rating to give right now:

parasite racists caused my money enough trouble, it's difficult enough not to be """white""" I didn't need any of this already, I am tired of """white""" people enough for a long time, there will never be forgiveness from me for any of these people, I am not interested in being known or having friends or any such any thing, I am only interested in how to remove the ability for white supremacists to affect my money with the pretend that I would ever be interested sexually in any of these people blahblahblah

>>11955869
Gtfo you racist shit.

>>11955869
Why are you here. Go to pol. Youve ruined a nice thread you beaner shithead or whatever piece of shit you are.

>>11955851
>Mexicans and some blacks are racist to whites as well anon, it's not mutually exclusive.
>In fact I literally experienced it earlier today.

I should restate:

I don't believe in """white""" people, they don't exist.

It's just a term I use for any and all non peaceful people.

Mexicans don't exist to me it's just humans and nations, black doesn't exist it's made up by """white""" people to divide humans, a kind of capitalism used by lousy capitalists (good capitalist doesn't need to resort to slavery).

What you consider racism is one that was designed by """white""" people to enable """white""" people and their racism.

>>11955890
I understand you know. But why use the color white? just say """"RACE""""

>>11955893

I have yet to meet a white person who wasn't racist.

I have yet to meet a person who wasn't white who was racist and it wasn't somehow the product of white people.

You all assume I hate a racist, I just don't want to live any racism, I don't care beyond that.

>>11955899
I'm white, and I'm not racist. Pleasure to meet you.

>>11955893

Also, LOOK AT THE RATIOS.

Fix the ratios, distributions, ...

White people need my help, but make it difficult for me to help.

You go ahead and live in white people fake equality, I interested in actual solutions not more stupid fucking shit whitery.

>>11955908

You think you're not racist, and you think you're """white""".

>>11955890
Based and redpilled.

>>11955893
>race
Absolute fucking brainlet.

>>11955899
>thinking anecdotical evidence is worth shit

Dw im a duran fan. Roberto duran

>>11955918

you are a """white""" scientist.

think energy transactions instead of trying to be "moral" to a """white""" person.

>>11945880
Sorry for what happened to your thread. I thought it was a good idea, anyway.

>>11945880
>Let's be real, writing good requires purposeful practice, don't expect to improve by just sitting down and "writing" whatever dumb shit flows out of your empty head. So, let's start:
And then you use reddit spacing.

>>11955885
Wasn't the thread about writing exercises? Making an argument is much more writing related than coping up with some soulless scene.

>>11955912
I said white, not """"white""""

>>11955928
>think energy transactions instead of trying to be "moral" to a """white""" person
Elaborate the idea then.

Also I don't give too many fucks about being anything beyond a writer. Obviously my skin colour affects how I perceive the world or how the world perceives me but any attribute does to certain degree.

>>11945880
For forty years she had walked alongside a man who no longer is. She recounted all her life events since the summer of '72, when George first approached her in the library. The sun shone much brighter then, and life seemed to have much more joy in it. Now that George has gone, what was there to smile about?

Beth sat on the picnic table and began counting clouds. What first appeared as soft pillows of grandeur slowly turned to greying cold sheets. Much like that same sheet that covered George's face in the half-way-house of steel.
Beth's mind slipped into a daydream and wandered where George's spirit was now. Could it be that his face be in one of these clouds? She would typically consider such a thought foolish, but in her hours of grief, even the most ridiculous of thoughts are given validity.

>>11955941

I don't care what anyone says, I do care about my money and losing even a cent due to fucktard white supremacists (because me less money or more difficult to get money xyz means more white supremacists to lessen the quality of my existence), all you people did was make my life more difficult for no good reason.

There had been etchings all over the surface from visitors prior--seeking to leave their mark on the world through a hard and uncomfortable wooden picnic table. Beth ran her fingers along the anonymous initials. A pair of which were outlined with a jagged heart. She sighed and looked up. Her glossed eyes reflected the clouds and she began counting.One. Two. Three. Four- She ran the shape of shallow heart with each count.

>>11945880
There she gazed solemnly upwards to the night sky, there she sat in prayer wishing for the Lord to be lighted in the dark of her Eye. The old cement bench beneath her captured her in a trance like a gargoyle on a tombstone, an hours past and but her hair and blouse only moved, in the soft chill of the eve. Her wedding was tomorrow, and she questioned what it was to be in holy sanctimony that scared her so.

>>11955949

If you got a university degree thanks to free work from me, I don't owe you anything more, you should be happy enough with the university degree that you wouldn't have otherwise that I provided for free, there is no loan to be paid back nothing I don't care at all.

Any person that is non muslim is never in my interest, I only want to not have to live less quality non peace, thank you people for reducing the quality of my life to being constantly attacked by white supremacists about raping (allegedly) someone related to me.

Enjoy your university degree.

>>11955971
The important thing. Is what is your intention?

>>11955938
Stfu.

>>11955983
I like this. B. 7/10. Just abit sparse of description or imagery.

>>11955997
Kill yourself.

>>11955997
But anon, I dropped out. Besides, you were only one out of countless people (who all had different skin colours and beliefs) who made it possible, just like all of them, you owed paying taxes to the society that put you in a position to make money.

>I only want to not have to live less quality non peace
How would that be possible without the peace (by obliteration of white supremacy) Though this will only take away one of the factors that have an impact on your life.

>>11956037

how?

>>11955963
7.5/10 - B+

>>11955963
Just unclear about halfway house of steel.

>>11956047
I could see some points in which I could have improved, but thanks senpai. I guess I should proofread and edit more.

>>11956039

You are smarter than any university graduate then, but not as smart as someone who was never suckered into the white supremacy international university crime syndicate.

I was referring to someone else who people won't stop saying at me (the second people just stop talking at me about these people, I will forget them very quickly).

I don't have to be the sole person responsible, I don't care what the percentage or whatever is, I don't care about any of these things already; I already said it's yours there is no loan or anything owed etc. I don't care!

You think whatever you want, leave me out it.

>>11956053
Oh, that was the morgue.

>>11956037
Amen, fuck these sand niggers.

>>11955994
5th line?

>>11956065

You don't have the heart of a killer.

Don't "fuck me" for being a """sand nigger""", actually kill me you weak pieces of shit.

That's the worst part about you """white""" people, you can't even do what it is properly.

>>11956039
Dude hes clearly schizophrenic. Clinical in any sense.

Beth lit her cigarette and wiped the cocaine from around her nostril. She looked down to see if there was any residue on the picnic table. There was none. Buzzing in her breasts, she leaned back and breathed in the air. The sky seemed a lot bluer than earlier in the day and the clouds were flying by rather quickly. Beth raised her hand into the air and tried to touch each one that passed. One. Two. Six. Eleven.

>>11956058
The second paragraph cloud description was nice.

>>11956093
I wont kill anyone even if i could. Fuck you. You need a fucking slap bitch.

>>11956101

I am not schizophrenic, you are a racist trying to have me incarcerated because you hate non white people already and here is one that is somewhat educated at least (therefore *99999999999 more hated by you).

I am "wants person who tries to extort my mother at gunpoint after having me taken hostage for lies they made up" not ever mentioned to me in any way except "they died a horrible suffering death and you will never know they exist ever again!" happy ending.

clouds above table below beth looking 0 degree up from the ground and numbering toes

>>11956125

You are fucken soft.

If you're gonna slap someone all you did was an incomplete job at killing them (why are you trying to enter war with someone if you can't kill them? just be peaceful).

If you want to kill me and you can't kill me, just be peaceful instead, it's who you really are and can't live up to.

>>11956136
>a slap is a failed murder attempt
lmao what the f-word

>>11945880
>you won't get better by writing.

>>11956115
>than earlier in the day
Dont completely get your bluer thing but i think this takes away from it. Its not necessary. Minimise emotive statements. Keep them visceral. Dont uae statements that draw attention away like that especially when the effect is implicit. E.g "Bluer" - when is it not gonna be bluer than earlier. Unnecessary description.


>Buzzing in her breasts

Dont get this.

Ill give you a C+ - 6/10 but you boundary.

>>11956136
You are naive if you think all conflict ends in death

Just stop being annoying.

Go to /adv/

>>11956141

itt: weak dumb non muslims who can't be consistent with themselves want to call the muslim schizophrenic (and they pretend they aren't racists).

Other muslims hold different beliefs but my belief is quite simple: if you try to kill me, I trying to help you kill me / I trying to do nothing.

There is a kind of religious law that advises better to die than to commit, one of them is murder etc; if you enter into non peace a best version of your goals then is my death, to slap me (depends on many factors) is to enter into non peace with me, you are really just a lousy murderer is how you will be interpreted by me.

I don't find it very entertaining.

Where the justicar brevik's at already?

Weak people!

Either kill me or learn how to be peaceful for your own sake!

>>11956101
Dunno about that. Pretty much everything he says makes sense, I just fail to get how it works as a reply and the thread being all over the place doesn't help for sure.

>>11956128
Okay, so far it all makes sense. How did it all even start though. I am trying to follow the conversation back and get stuck at
>>11955708
Which makes sense it itself too but I fail to see how it does in context of a reply.

>>11956190
Breivik got his justice though. Shit looks weird from the POV of most vengeful societies but Norwegian crime rate shows they are doing things better than the rest of us.

Wait until the truth comes to more muslims, you think turks will appreciate all the free entertainment you are getting with no citizenship/gain for them? (not to mention the other products of you peoples dumb white supremacy)

You like to piss on people just because of their race and nationality? People are slow not stupid. Sexual fantasy is different from racism. You people can only lie about me so much. You have a university degree because of me, plus countless other many positives and in return you are just a racist who has caused me unnecessary more difficulty in my already difficult life. You have lived no real struggle.


>>11956205

No fool, I looking for breviks to try kill me instead of your weak non peace.

>>11956226
Good luck with that. Most racists are pretty passive and would prefer bitching about Ahmed dating their daughter than actually doing shit.

>>11956241

I don't ever need your description of "most racists", I was sold into slavery and have lived far more than enough racism.

Racists don't need to do anything when racism already is established and already everywhere; you are a racist for example, just a pathetic drone level racist not even aware.

As for Ahmet and daughter dating, it's not the same thing, you didn't understand at all, because you have never lived any real struggle, in your comfortable comfortable world it's that simple to you.

I don't want to break your bubble, I don't hate any racists, I just don't want to live any racism.

I don't believe in luck, I was sold into slavery by my own people before I was even birthed.

If they respected you, you would have been given a role other than one which is basically "non peaceful".

Either you make the sexual fantasy of yours happen so they get citizenship and I get paid, or you people stop bothering me with your racist/sexist/phobe sexual fantasies etc.

So far it has done nothing except be very helpful for white supremacists.

>>11956241

Why are you defiling Ahmet name?

It's bad for you to do that, take my advice for yourself.

>>11956275
>Racists don't need to do anything when racism already is established and already everywhere
Pretty much what I implied.

>you are a racist for example, just a pathetic drone level racist not even aware
Based on anything beyond growing up in a racist system? Quite a reach.

>I just don't want to live any racism
So what are you doing about it beyond random accusations on a Mongolian goat trading forum?

>>11956310
How does making a joke defile anything?

>>11945880
WOW, life sure is G R E A T here at Niggers.gov.

>>11956315

> Based on anything beyond growing up in a racist system? Quite a reach.

I realised after I posted, I very very tired and blahblahblah.

> So what are you doing about it beyond random accusations on a Mongolian goat trading forum?

I wish this was a Mongolian goat trading forum, Mongolians are very nice people.

> How does making a joke defile anything?

It doesn't exactly defile anything to me, though some Ahmet's might not fully be of the exact same disposition on the matter.

The languages such name used in, some people can be used to never having such sentence even thought of, maybe it's progressive maybe it's not, but it can cause so many other meanings and effects for others and/or yourself blahblahblah.

Even the nature of the word in some cultures, I am not sure what is the most correct _but_ I do know if my name used I can be very quick to be offended.

I need sleep right now.

Darkened rain's pouring clouded the eroded landscape's continuity as every step multiplied our burden. Above a muddied neckerchief, darting eyes gazed at a remembrance held close for many others. The steel spires truly introduced themselves on this day; a sight not beheld without repercussion by any besides scornful guardians. Staggering towards the boundaries, the sound of rapid clay mixtures flowing fast and heard strangely slowed her advance towards the yield of dolor. Grayed trunks criss-crossed above the heavy rapids with lesser bodies quivering from contact. With knees brought up slowly, muck-burdened arms pulled up her frigid frame and the loosely attached excess as it shed away from her form. As she rose her chest above the natural bridge, sharp pain brashly exuded from her left thigh and quickly grounded her into a thick layer of mud. Writhing and calling out to no one gave way to narrowing vision and a form of calmness. After hours of pleasantly dreamless sleep, she was awoken by the warmth of the often yearned heavens. Without sunlight's scathing, she focused on the passing heavenly bodies while past suffering faded; nothing more was seen but blissful whirling on the theater's stage.

>>11956017
Sorry, bro. Writing is about communication and most of the attempts in this thread don't communicate shit. Writing sentences that make sense on a surface level and that may or may not read nice isn't what writing is about.

>>11956361
>Mongolians are very nice people
Dunno. Only met one once and she wasn't too great. And generally, I doubt being "Mongolian" or whatever other nationality would do much about how nice or not nice someone is.

>though some Ahmet's might not fully be of the exact same disposition on the matter.
Of course but in the end, everyone could feel that way about any word or combination of words, making it all moot. And then if you attempt not to offend anyone by not saying anything, someone may get pissed over your silence.

Since it wasn't used in a negative connotation, a negative reaction doesn't seem appropriate.

>I need sleep right now.
You and me, mate. Though I fucked up and will have to wait 9 more hours.

>>11945880
Beth counted her days, the sheeps in her mind - her blessings - and the clouds and as she sat on the picnic table the sky fell on her.

>>11956384
Why dont you try writing a predetermined passage. If the writing in life was like you say it would be like cramming and overwriting every damn paragraph of a book. Would that be good? You dont think a thousand years of solitude doesnt have one boring passive paragraph?

>>11956365t
>Darkened rain's pouring
Weird phrasing and coupling verbs like that is inconvenient for the reader. Also misused punctuation.

> at a remembrance held close for many others
Overly ambiguous. What does this mean?

> The steel spires truly introduced themselves on this day; a sight not beheld without repercussion by any besides scornful guardians.
What does this mean? No context.

>sound of rapid clay mixtures flowing
I dont like this. Unnecessary. Imagine if i was talking to you in real life and said "sounds like rapid clay mixtures flowing". Would be okay if it was scientifically technical with tangible implications but it isnt.

>heard strangely slowed her advance towards the yield of dolor
Probably a mistake. Nonetheless yield of dolor is a phrase that is weird but doesnt add anythin interesting by being weird.

>Grayed trunks criss-crossed above the heavy rapids with lesser bodies quivering from contact.
Ambiguous.

> As she rose her chest
>brought up slowly
Is english your second language?

>natural bridge
If this was a technical noun that i didnt know it would be understandable but i feel i should know what you mean by this and i dont and i think its because youre using a vague phrase.

>(calling out) to no one
I think i know what you mean but still awkward to read in the middle of that sentence.

Im going to stop here. Full of awkward phrases that sound ambiguous to the reader and make you difficult to understand. Every metaphor or deacription needa a tangible context. You sacrifice intelligibility for phrasing/tools which imo you are using because youve heard them before in other writing but you arent nailing them correctly.

Write something simplistically with a tangible aim/narrative then elaborate it later maybe. Make sure your elaborations cohere with the context. Its important the reader knows why you choose to say a description and knows what it means beyond the pretty words.

5.5 - C grade.

It is a sunny day today thought Beth, and yet she was gloomy. Ben had brought her some sandwiches from his car which were yet to be touched by Beth. She was Hungry. She was also very mad but the reason why she wasn't eating the sandwiches was that she hated tomatoes.
"Hey I made these just for you!!"
"Then why are there tomatoes in them?"
"Just take them out and eat them Beth, I know you're really hungry, You haven't eaten anything since last night"
"Do you remove a pillar from a building after it is built or you plan ahead and not make that pillar in the first fucking place?"
Ben sighed and went back to his car, Beth noticed that during the span of their conversation sun had disappeared in to the clouds coming in from the west, Beth could look up at the sky without squinting now, she liked looking at the sky and the clouds, though she hated being outdoors she always stared at clouds even from her french windows at her dad's place. She however could'nt remember why she was mad .
Ben had another batch of sandwiches in his car which he was bringing upto beth as he saw her looking at the clouds, he thought to himself why did she count the clouds so often.

>>11956816
"Sheeps" isnt a word. Dont like your serial use of "and". Take out the "- her blessings" and youll see you have written an awkward sentence overall. Also "as she sat" doesnt completely go with "the sky fell on her". The clumsiness of this phrase is that it is ambiguous as to whether you are talking about an ongoing event of the sky falling (i suspect not) or a single occurence. If the latter, then this is awkward. You need a way of emphasising the sky falling being a singular event happening when she was sitting.

4.5/10 - D

>>11957071
On the first one, clouded should be included in the quote.

>>11957008
>it would be like cramming and overwriting every damn paragraph of a book
Not at all. Just like with everything in writing, once you get the hang of it, it happens pretty organic. Nor will it feel over-crammed.

>You dont think a thousand years of solitude doesnt have one boring passive paragraph?
Of course it does but for one, this depends a lot on the reader too. Some of the shit you or me find boring, is something someone else gets wet over. Beyond that passive isn't necessary bad, just like everything else it has its place. BEYOND that, even the most boring paragraphs and even sentence in TYOS tend to communicate something. Hell, we did more communicating in these two posts than majority of the scenes posted here.

And just for the record, I am not even shitting on /lit/ writers (this time). Coming up with crap like that on the spot isn't easy and it'd be shocking if majority of it didn't suck dick.

>>11945880
Beth sat on the wet picnic table to catch her breath, and began counting clouds in an attempt to calm herself down.

Iv only just started writing so I dont think im very good at this stuff yet, but im trying to improve

>>11945880
I fucking hate that stupid whore Beth. She's not even working. Plops her arse down on the picnic table and looks at the damn sky all day,fingers flicking as clouds pass overhead. Dumb bitch.

>>11957201
Is there a reason tge table is wet?

>>11957378
I thought maybe it showed beth didnt care about comfort and just wanted somewhere to sit down regardless
Should have added a sentence saying that though

>>11957502
Obviously its perfectly okay to have a wet bench but i just think its always an opportunity for adding meaning to the text. And i find writing funner when im writing stuff that has purpose, rather than adjectives for the sake of it. Your suggestion surely would add to the text.

Beth sat and began counting clouds.

Beth sat on the same bench she always did and counted the same clouds, they never changed. She didn't understand why, but would soon come to realise that she was living in a looping simulation built by her future self

>>11957115
Theres some errors in syntax i.e. sentencing structure, commas etc. But maybe thats accidental. Lets make this thing pop though. Lets give this passage an emotional direction too. So far it is only description. Is this a significant passage or a passive one?

>>11957798
I recommend you to watch the triangle.

>>11957798
>baaa baaaa baaaa

>doth thou wish to live deliciously?

>>11945880
Let us think about this clearly for a second. Nobody counts clouds. It is merely an expression. I can be convinced that Beth is sitting at a picnic table but she is obviously not counting clouds. She could be looking at the clouds. That would be a more realistic proposition. But even this is unsatisfactory, because nobody "looks" at a cloud either. Glances it, maybe. Now if one indeed appears to be looking at clouds, he (or in this case she) is not actually in the active process of looking. Here looking is merely a passive action. The real activity, the active component in this case is thinking, which is what causes her gaze to be fixed upon clouds for more than a mere glance. Here, clouds and looking are trivialities, while thinking takes precedence over both. Now that we have established this fact, we are left with the only creative decision we have to make here. And that is deciding what Beth is thinking about. Now, in order to trigger a physical reaction where one's gaze is fixed upon a mudane object, something must be going on interiorly in the person's consciousness that causes this fixation of gaze (I do not claim that beutiful clouds cannot be a trigger that starts the whole chain, but that is a secondary concern). This something, cannot be something as mundane as thinking about a TV series she is going to watch later in the evening. Such trivialities pass before the mind's eye rather quickly and do not show a physical manifestation on a person's face or body. Therefore Beth has to be thinking about something that transcends everyday mundanity. It could be about a past relationship that is important to her, or perhaps something more abstract. But here I am going to claim something even more radical. Beth is not thinking a thought but is instetad thinking a feeling. The feeling that the number of injustices and ill-behavior carried out upon the face of Earth, some of which Beth as any other person undoubtedly partook in both as a victim as well as perpetuator, simply pass under the same clouds as they have for thousands of years. This makes man to ponder: Is there no judgement? I should say that this is not a nihilistic feeling, but the very opposite of it.

>>11945880
I look forward to the next iteration of this thread

>>11957958
Lack of punctuation. Sentence doesnt have any emotiveness.

5/10 - C-

>>11957845
That's the thing I don't know how to give it an emotional direction. Can you help me with that??

>>11958071
Well firstly you need the overall narrative to have an emotive element. You need that beth sitting on the bench is in the context of an emotional part of her life. Maybe she is retrospecting, maybe she is in the middle of a current emotional period, whatever. But the narrative needs to be emotional. Your passage describes these people in a place but theres no suggestion as to why they are there. This doesnt need to explicit but you as a writer need to know this. And that reason needs to be emotionally laden for you to bring emotion to the writing. You cant squeeze water out of a stone. You cant emote in an unemotional situation. In your current narrative you wont be able to have emotiveness because there is no necessity to do so; there is no emotional narrative as far as i can see. Emotion is in the backbone. Then it will spread from there. Dont try to make descriptions that are emotional with no good reason to. If it isnt justified by the emotional tone of the background narrative then it wont work.

Lady Miss Bethany hath squated upon ye picnic tabula rasa and also she beguneth her counting of the white clouds in the sky.

>>11958071
And when i say narrative. This can be layered. Like in a book. You have an overarching narrative then sub-narratives in different chapters. So when i say narrative its flexible.

>>11958124
Thanks a lot anon

>>11950463
Honestly, I expected worse. I'll gladly take this criticism. This was my first time writing anything to possibly be eviscerated by others on this board, and I got a passing grade.

>>11958124
Can you give me any examples as to how to give any narrative a emotional background, I mean how to express emotions by writing it( I mean descriptively). In short how to express emotion in a Passive narrative??

>>11945880

EXT. PARK -- DAY

BETH is sitting at a PICNIC TABLE.

BETH
Cumulus street like this, I could have been in fuckin' Dallas, man.

Beth begins COUNTING CLOUDS.

BETH
A hundred miles, easy. Four thousand. Five thousand.

>>11958194
I also recommend 1/3 person perspectives. Writing third person stuff as if the (theoretical) third person was beth. Like beth writing her own autobiography in the third person if you get what i mean. Just an exercise to encourage a style which includes her persona and therefore emotion more. But you need to really put yourself in her shoes. Think about it independently and imagine. Then write after. Maybe even draw from your own experience or observations where possible to induce a mood. Writing is childsplay. Adult imagining and make believe like you did pretending as a kid.

>>11958215
I think you also should come up with a situation or narrative first then see how you can apply emotion to that specifically. And remember emotion is diverse. Not just sadness or anger. Anything that evokes a feeling. Which as said before i think should be narrative driven... and probably character driven too. I forgot about that. Know your character before you write.

>>11958215
For the exercise given by OP. It cannot be passive. Otherwise whats the point in the exercise. Have a passive one in a story paragraph but not here.

>>11958215
Also look up at other peoples passages on this thread. The ones you instinctively think are the best and see if they convey emotion to you. Or feeling. There are some good ones up there; 2 or 3.

>>11945880
As if to gain a bit of height from a conversation she was not interested in, Beth uncrossed her legs from the grass and sat atop the picnic table behind her. She had been wanting to do that for some time, yet as soon as she did, worry filled her mind. -Does it look weird to just sit up above the group that way ? - Are they thinking I’m trying to show off or seem special or something ? -If anyone says anything i’ll let them know it’s because i was not confortable sat like that on the ground; I hope someone asks now, so I can stop them from thinking whatever they’re thinking now.
But as the noise of her worries continued echoing around her mind, her eyes were slowly and uncontrollably drawn to the majestic calmness of the sky. Soon her body followed, her hands planted themselves on the worn wood behind her, letting her upper body hang from her shoulders, and her head from the muscles in her neck. Her body was mimicking her mind, which was sinking deeper with every second into the ever so alien charm of these dense white behemoths that crowded the sharp blue sky. She marveled at the contrasts and curves of those shapes that she could not understand. All the noise around her was being muted, the pointless conversation went first, but soon after, and without Beth ever noticing it, her thoughts caved into themselves, leaving only silence. Not much existed out of those clouds now, and that which still did all seemed very secondary. As she stared at these milky clouds, as her eyes tried to decipher the lines of their incomprehensible shapes, she was penetrated by a strong sense of understanding. Beth had no idea how to conceive this understanding, yet she was fully satisfied just feeling it, letting radiate from within her and coat her every sensation, physical or spiritual. She couldn’t have moved unless something pulled her out of the state she was in, nor did she want to. Within the light they reflected, the clouds had enclosed a song. Beth knew that song was not meant for her, but only rarely had anything ever filled her with such warmth and purpose, at this moment nothing was useless, everything was in accordance to its utmost essence. Beth was filled with a burning desire that she knew not where to direct.

>>11958440
I challenge you to restrict your word count and convey something similar.

>>11945884
Fucking masterpiece

Beth sat on his slave table and began counting the cat's tail, 9.

>>11945880
>writing good
>begin counting clouds
OP, maybe you should learn basic grammar before shitting on everybody else's.

>>11945880
Sitting at the picnic table with her head cocked upward in awe, Beth tracked the monstrous billows overhead.

>>11958649
Whats with your obsession with billows btw

>>11958555
How much restriction are we talking?

>>11958660
Wym? I only mentioned billows once

>>11958831
Ha ive seen it several times in this thread

>>11958821
As small as you think you can do and convey the message. Maybe 10 - 15 lines here.

Beth into death stared at the vacancy of the cloudless sky as her fate sealed into stillness on the park bench.

>>11959024
>Beth into death stared
Whenbwas the last time you personally spoke like this?

Syntax is abit confused and messed up.

3.5/10 - D

>>11957947
V good, the analytical aspect got a little tedious, but it might’ve made the ending shine that much more. Perhaps my favorite in the thread.

>>11945880
Unfortunately for Beth, the moment she had laid her eyes upon a cloud that was explicitly stated to be my domain, she had violated the terms of our Non Aggression Principle. With a grin I levied the cross-hairs of my McNukesTM on the the picnic bench she was lounging in. "God damn do I love AnarchoCapitalism" were the last words I said before pulling the trigger.

>>11945880
Beth shat on the white picnic table(because she hates niggers) and begun counting,mentally,how many dicks she could fit in her across all holes.

>>11957947
Really good, the analytical ties into the intrigue very well

>>11945880
It wasn't madness, not yet, just a growing compulsion. Another task that could be resisted, but she would rather not. Why bother.
Beth turned her head to the sky and counted all the clouds in the sky.

>>11945880
One. Two. Three. Horse. House. A car? Family picnics were always boring, but this one was a new low. What solace the increasingly shapeless clouds offered was soon gone and Beth really wished she had somewhere else to be.

>>11945880
Listless and absent-minded, Beth lay flat on the picnic table and stared at the sky. With nothing else in the world to do, she thought it best to count the clouds above her.
"One cloud... wait, one cloud?"
Goodness, the sky was overcast--it was as if the world was covered by an infinitely spanning sheet of wool. How grey it all was, Beth thought to herself. Perplexed, she opened her pocket book and wrote a single note to herself: 'One cloud in the sky, but weather is grey and overcast--does that mean it's one cloud? But it's too big to just be a cloud--what is it?'
Frustrated by this, Beth attempted to leap on to her feet by swinging her feet in the air whilst picturing Jackie Chan in her mind--however, she had neglected to consider the picnic table's old age, thus breaking two of the wooden boards on its surface and falling into the resulting gap. With her feet sticking up, her torso curled in, and her buttocks on the grass, she resolved to continue looking at the sky and solving this annoying conundrum.

Beth's neo-vagina stung as she sat on the hard wood picnic table; counting clouds, counting minutes towards a sweet reclamation of a life once imaged, but now reality.

>>11960042
B - 7/10. I like it.