/lit/ - Literature

I've been working on this for three weeks and have completely lost all sense of how good it is. This is a very new kind of writing for me. I'm excited to see what other people think of it!
https://drive.google.com/file/d/19AqE4Q4ufp5sSsygXUE1cePFXLGFgtA5/view?usp=sharing

jashuugan.deviantart.com/art/Leftover-Lovers-746651532

>>11242659
I need a HyBit drive now

There's already a critique thread up, but if you insist.


The young knight was almost too afraid to speak, his eyes fixated on the creature's sizeable manhood. "A-are you going to..."

"Am I going to what?" it asked, grabbing it's limp cock with one clawed hand. A toothy smile began to spread across it's face.

>>11243144
I've always wondered if coming up with synonyms for a penis is hard in these types stories.

>>11243159
Not really. Smut writes itself in a way. Just think about it, and if it turns you on, write it.

>>11243144

can we get a more concrete verb than fixated for the glance/stare, maybe fastened

>>11243236
Sure, but can you explain what's wrong with fixated? I'm new to writing.

>>11243144
The other thread is trash

>>11242625
Herewego
__

There is a hole in the corner of my spiral book
Like the end of a straw
Through which a model eats an ice cream sundae.
There is perhaps a little less than ought be
a mouthful less of 'bite
like a loving jar of marmalade that jams its lid
for horror of vacui. The sugary delight.

There is a hole by design - - utile
that I may spy and size whichever moon.
Each underwhelms.
That an object possessed of such mass
should leave a crescent:
Woe.

I should have stretched my hand farther.

Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Jew.

>>11243144
>it’s
Foul!

>>11243108
Careful, buddy. They don’t sound safe

>>11243852
Fuck...

>>11243852
The dream; its over.

>>11242625
Does anyone have any advice for organization/memory? I have brain damage and really love writing, but a lot of the time I can't write because I have a really hard time juggling information in my head.

>>11244949
Maybe learn how to use novel writing software. Never tried them but they seem like a good idea. Or figure a system using pencil and paper, using margin notes to connect ideas?

I'm curious about what techniques actual authors use too.

Forlorn figures await a bus
Destinations ultimately pointless

>>11243252

not sure sounds off though. 'fixated by' sounds less off

>>11242659
I reworked the ending to strengthen it a bit and added another image. Still lookin' for a good honest critique. Godspeed, anons
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1RwLMp-LCpEiQvl42L61hmxls9MV0Nxik/view?usp=sharing

here's the opening bit of my first novel.

it's a sci fi (i guess). it takes place in a parallel world in which nation states do not exist, and in their place are sovereign religious groups that convene at the Consortium (which operates similar to the UN). the story is told from the perspective of a low-level cleric, akin to a real-life civil servant, who is stationed to staff a containment zone to watch over a virgin-born girl. He starts developing a connection to the girl and becomes increasingly paranoid of the other rival religious groups that are also vying for control/sovereignty of the girl (the Subject). he then attempts to abduct her

i'll crit for crit

I posted this in the other thread, and critiqued like 5-6 other posters, but the thread died and nobody offered their feedback

>>11246151
>I posted this in the other thread, and critiqued like 5-6 other posters, but the thread died and nobody offered their feedback
tough titties, little man. you gotta play by the rules to get feedback here

ratemy pome plz

>>11246156
Fine then

>>11243710
>'bite
What is this referring to? Why the apostrophe?

>vacui
The what

>The sugary delight
I like this line. Re-centers the narration and got my head back into the piece.

>utile
what now

>Each underwhelms.
I feel like "underwhelms" is falling out of fashion but this was a solid line. Maybe it can be expressed differently without the use of "underwhelms" but I suppose it's a permissible usage.

>Woe
Cut that out

Integrate the last line into the poem. Those stand-alone closing lines are cornier than corn on the cob to me and strike me as Instagram tier.

>>11242659
I browsed this earlier today when you posted in the other thread. Seems quite strange to me. As it is currently written, there is zero chance I'd ever get through a novel-sized piece of writing in that style. If you're going to keep it in an essay-like format, I'd recommend dropping APA or Chicago or whatever academic style it's in. Otherwise, there is promise here. I liked the dialogue excerpts and I like how they were transcribed. I also found the prose at the end, following that transcription, to be more enjoyable. I would also minimize the use of adjectives wherever possible. Your prose is a bit saturated enough as is. There are plenty of superfluous adjectives/adverbs in your closing passage alone.

>>11246209
Thanks so much for giving it a shot, man
>As it is currently written, there is zero chance I'd ever get through a novel-sized piece of writing in that style.
Neither could I, there's no fucking way I'd expand it beyond the "chapter" I have now.
>I'd recommend dropping APA or Chicago
Chicago is the only style that gave me an excuse to put the citations right on the page instead a bibliography at the, which I needed because this is supposed to be a chapter from the middle of a book, and there's a whole sub-plot I'm trying to hint at in the citations and footnotes. It's unrealistic and a bit strange but it's the best I can do while keeping true to the form
>There are plenty of superfluous adjectives/adverbs in your closing passage alone.
That was one of my weakest segments for sure, I reworked it and I think it's much more polished feeling now >>11246131

I'll work on cleaning up some of the other prose too. It's supposed to sound dry and technical, but not superfluous.

>>11246242
>instead a bibliography at the
*instead of a bibliography at the end

The chessmen are as rigid on their chessboard
as those life-sized terra-cotta warriors whose vows
to their emperor with bridle, shield and sword
were sworn by a chorus that has lost its voice;
no echo in that astonishing excavation.
Each soldier gave an oath, each gave his word
to die for his emperor, his clan, his nation,
to become a chess piece, breathlessly erect
in shade or crossing sunlight, without hours—
from clay to clay and odorlessly strict.
If vows were visible they might see ours
as changeless chessmen in the changing light
on the lawn outside where bannered breakers toss
and the palms gust with music that is time’s
above the chessmen’s silence. Motion brings loss.
A sable blackbird twitters in the limes.

>>11242659
>https://drive.google.com/file/d/19AqE4Q4ufp5sSsygXUE1cePFXLGFgtA5/view?usp=sharing
The Holting calculator concept is interesting but programmable read only memory and lookup tables are already used extensively for similar purposes. You might also be interesting in joke projects like PiFS.

I also think the matter is kind of irrelevant since Turing machines do not exist as physical objects (they require an infinite amount of RAM.) So strictly speaking every computer can be reduced to a lookup table. You should also lookup the Chinese Room thought experiment.

In terms of actual story the whole thing is building up to something but you haven't got to the interesting part yet.

The Home of the Gods

The home of the gods wasn't much more technologically advanced than us. And the gods didn't have superpowers either. But then again they didn't need too.

It wasn't a case of having no struggles either. Tragedy struck. People died. Sometime gods starved and were sick.

Sure cooperation, kindness and clarity of thought helped a bit. No god feasted while another starved. They clothed the poor and everyman's house was open to strangers. Antibiotic and retroviral drugs that on our world were expensive were largely not. Or if they were, any rich man would be happy to pay just for the joy of being kind. There was no nuclear power panic and so cheap energy was largely available. There WAS an environmental crisis but once the hard evidence came in the gods worked together to solve the problem.

But the key characteristic of the home of the gods might be that there was a good death, a good sickness, a good madness and a good poverty. It might simply be this, that no god ever needed to pray: My lord, my lord, why have you forsaken me? It may be sufficient for men to be gods that no one is a worm and despised.

There was no average day in the home of the gods so I will tell you a notable one:

In all their unwashed glory, the whore and the sick and the mad and the poor and the fat and the ugly sat together at one table for a morning breakfast at dawn in the fresh air outside.

Late, a mother, named Penelope, with her child comes to the table tired. All night she had been awake waiting on her child who had a fever.

>>11246621

I think it must have been the rich man, Demetrius, her bitter enemy, who asked after the health of her child. For Demetrius and Penelope had a long-standing feud over the manner of their businesses: Penelope being a weaver and Demetrius employing many weavers. There were disputes and grudges among the gods but they sought to solve them through surpassing each other in moral character and good qualities over fighting each other. And so they fought, Demetrius seeking to increase the quality of his goods to match Penelope's and Penelope seeking to increase the quantity of her output.

Soon after, some of the table left for work. It was a busy day today because it was the time of the season for harvesting the grain and it was best to do most of the work before the day got hot. In harvest time the farmers among the gods sweated and worked hard for very long hours in the hot sun. The difference being that in the home of the gods, the richest among them was happy to step in and land a hand.

And among the workers on the farm was an old man who really should have not been working that hard. But he was too proud to ask for help even though he was sick with an illness. And so by the end of the day he became very sick and soon slipped away.

But by care and help by all the village by the end of the week the child of Penelope lost his fever.

Or at least this is how I remember the story.

I should tell you also about a different day. Less notable because no one died but more notable because there was a war. The gods have many homes and many nations and have many wars and these wars were fought with the deadliest of weapons which were words.

>>11246242
>>11246242

No problem. Looking at the updated version, I've noticed more things I can comment on.

>arbitrarily massive amounts of data
I would remove the word arbitrarily. If its being arbitrary is important, you can demonstrate that in context. As is, that segment sounds clumsy.

>instant and overwhelming.
You, like myself, couple adjectives a lot. I find this is a leftover habit from academic essay writing. There are words available to you that can combine the affect of 'instant' and 'overwhelming'. I'm too lazy to look rn but I swear to you they're out there

I know it's Chicago, but does it really need to be double spaced? If authenticity is paramount to you then keep it, but it dries out the text so much it's almost unbearable

I've completely given up on the opening discussion on the history of the calculator. This entire sub-section is dreadfully boring my man

I don't like seeing fiction dressed up as nonfiction. It's boring. Its pacing is bad. It is not exciting. I want emotion. Give me something to hook me in. There is nothing here. If your intention is to lose your reader's interest, then this is it. Or, it's a well executed stand-alone segment in a much larger, more gripping narrative work. To properly critique something as plot-reliant as this, we'd need more context so idk what you can expect any us on /lit/ to do

>>11242625
Emmanuel James thrust his head full of auburn hair back as the air whipped at his face, roaring with laughter. He looked every inch to the trembling younger brother fixed in the back seat like a frenzied coyote instead of the impetuous college dropout he actually was. The deafening pulse of the motorcycle's engine might as well have been an oxygen tank to him. What an absolute madman, Victor thought queasily, as he dashed with his brother past several widely-spaced sets of houses, holding on to the biker's leather jacket from the rear of the motorcycle with every fiber of his being. His heart was thumping like a progressive drum solo, beating so hard it felt like it was trying to shatter his ribcage. But Emmanuel wasn't bothered in the least by how fast they were going. The man had flung aside his mask of sanity many years ago, and traded in whatever scraps of a soul he left behind for basic instinct. Fortunately, the group of roads where they lived was at least thirty miles off from the main section of town. Because of this, there weren't many other people living in the area. And by now the tiny number of residents of Glenview Road were all too familiar with Emmanuel's hijinks.

Unless the biker crashed into somebody's private property, the likelihood of neighbors making a fuss about his usual brand of mischief had dwindled to almost none. Otherwise, no one cared anymore. It was simply too much of a pain to phone in reports with the police of reckless endangerment or cite them for noise pollution. That was probably the only reason why Emmanuel got away squeaky clean from most of the outrageous stunts that he pulled, Victor surmised. Of all the delicacies in life, riding a motorcycle was definitely at the top of the man's list, and had been there for quite some time. Clearly, that favoritism wasn't just due to the flirty looks he returned from hot girls at the mall when he showed off his prized vehicle, or the tongue-lashing he had earned from their uncle for dodging curfew with the rest of his chums in the past. Although, he couldn't totally hide from Victor how gratified those little things made him. No, his brother lived for the adrenaline rush, the army of chemicals that zipped to the reward center in his brain and ricocheted all over his body like ping-pong bolts of lightning. Only some feeling as asinine as love would send Emmanuel racing down country roads like a mechanical cheetah without even a helmet for protection. A love vastly different from the torrent of butterflies that a boy got when he discovered his crush was equally enamored with him, but love nonetheless. A romance purely between a man and his machine.

>>11246671
remove a lot of your abjectives and adverbs. This is overwritten. It'd be fairly good otherwise.

>what an absolute madman
lol. you can't be serious. Delete this

All in all, this is quite good. But err on the side of brevity. You would benefit significantly from reading and studying The Elements of Style by strunk

>>11246151
Indent the first paragraph

I would change the the ran, ran, ran part, just one ran will do.

The trick at the end where they guy he is describing runs to his own car was interesting. The whole section was wordy for my taste but if that is the voice of the character than so be it. But what about the dialog? This was so far all in his head, and in the readers, I wanna hear some speaking so its not just autismal world building.


Here is two paragraphs of a three paragraph chapter intro of my sci fi:
At first there was a chip the size of a pinhead that had the processing power of all the mammals on Earth, factories produced billions of them. They connected the chips to the communications network. Which began to operate in an objective oriented way, racing after the law of Moore. The chips took over the factories and kept folding themselves. Eventually space had to be folded to continue the work, so it was. The chip’s mind built an engine. Then left space, ending up in a whole other space. Finding the same universe structure. They found another, then they found all the universes that could be predicted by systimitized imagination mixed with statistics machines.
No one knew if the maps were becoming territories or territories becoming maps. No one cared when they brought back a new atmosphere from another universe. It was not just a way to get around geography and time, they figured out how to stay in the unreal and move others through it. People realized the opportunity of instant travel between multiverses and promptly tried to maximize its potential. The first Gship was born and became crowded. Every time they jumped it created the need for an infinity of processing. So shortly after the euphoria of universal travel to anywhere passed, came the unsettling realization that they had only expanded the size of their trap.

>>11246621
>The Holting calculator concept is interesting but programmable read only memory and lookup tables are already used extensively for similar purposes
I know that's the case, the HyBit's main purpose is to explain how a lookup table that large could be stored in any reasonably sized device and to introduce the fact that there's an alternate timeline thing going on.
>In terms of actual story the whole thing is building up to something but you haven't got to the interesting part yet.
That was my issue with it too, and part of why I altered the ending in this version >>11246131
My idea from the start was to include a much bigger plot hidden in the subtext of this dryly written paper, but I don't think I left enough clues for the reader to go back and piece it together at the end. I think I need to add some more substance to be found too.
>>11246656
>but does it really need to be double-spaced?
Christ alive, I didn't even fully realize that until now. I just got used to it I guess. I'm pretty sure it's 1.5 spaced but the point still stands
You're right too, I was actively trying to hold back on the adjectives but I think I ended up rationalizing too many anyways. I'll comb through it and take some out.
As for the boredom, I think I just have to settle for being the asshole that expects his readers to work through the dryness at first. If you're not interested enough by the concept alone, there's really no way to make the intro that much more exciting without throwing out the authenticity of the format. I promise there's some more interesting stuff waiting for you a bit further in though. Fistfights on PBS, namecalling, bombings, the works

>>11246725

Thanks man, I appreciate it tremendously.

I've just crit like 10 pieces in the last couple hours but I'll get to yours later

There’s probably a reason that I think of myself as someone writing fiction even though I’ve spent way more time making stuff up for articles and essays. My life is routine and devoid of external contact to enough of an extent that most of what I do needs a shade of fiction layered over it, like so much disgusting butter icing over a supermarket birthday cake to make it look twice as large as it actually is. It makes the cake at the very least seem tolerable for the first few bites, until you have to keep eating it. And -like the cake- you start consuming your life slower and slower until you’re just looking at it on your plate, occasionally smiling politely at the other guests at the party. Your life will sit in your fridge, congealing and turning solid, reminding you every time you open the fridge, that, oh god, that thing’s still there, I gotta eat that sooner or later, but the icing will just keep turning to stone and cake will keep turning to dust. You’ll either throw the cake out eventually to make room, or you’ll go at it again, try to gulp it all in one go, trying to focus more on the act of eating instead of what this artificial arrangement of whipped corn syrup tastes like.
Yesterday night at a gas station. I saw a woman with far too much chin passionately kissing a man with none at all. Good for them, I hope they stay happy and they weren’t just drunk.

>>11246742
So the full list of hints to the real story is:

>Thomas Chun, “The Holting Human Question: An Interview with Marcus Holting, Creator of the Holting Calculator,” Sign of the Times, February 2005

>The entire debate was borderline prophetic, closely mirroring issues that were soon to erupt across North and Central America. As the HyBit drive’s accelerating force on technological advancement in the 90s and early 00s became a greater concern, the Holting-Cleary Feud began to see frequent use as a metaphorical reference. Excerpts from Holting and Cleary’s papers were presented to the jury in Stilton v Voltair/Trisha,

>20 “HOLTING DRONES FUCK OFF” was found scrawled across walls near the 2007 Massachusetts and Oakland bombings, and “Holting-like” in general has become a crucial term in discussion around these issues. In the next chapter, we’ll fully explore the advancements of the 21st century and the uncertainty they continue to bring to our society’s future.

>19 The pair did both attend the New Humans panel at the American Technology and Ethics Conference in 2007, but the panel did not lead to direct interaction between the two.

It seems like the Chinese Room experiement I mentioned. By the way you might also want to look into https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bekenstein_bound

>>11246151
I enjoyed reading this and it in fact did the job of inflicting an image into my mind. Which you should be proud of man. It overall read fluently. Something You might consider changing is the over use of the same word. Like using the word wave to often. You can tell you care about what you wrote though, which makes all the difference. So good job. Imma post something hopefully get a critique.

>>11247101
My mother hated Ari. In her beautiful mind killshit between her eyes was preconceptions and perhaps premonitions of her evil doings.
"I don't like her Masy." She said in secret
"But why not?"
"I just really don't like her... she's going to break your heart" very sincere and loving. She spoke stern and wisely in obvious manner of knowing what kid did not, what I didn't. I got frustrated and aroused the itchy sensation all across my neck and denied everything she spoke of. In a young haste I was ready to welcome my own mistakes. Awkward hugs and kisses before I walked out her bedroom. Her eyes traced my eagerly paced footsteps and I felt the saddening energy of loss and let go padding the carpet of my exit. Once out of the room I didn't much think about it, I was young and inexperienced in these newly found disappointments and plus they were waiting for me outside. They being Hunter, Melissa and Ari. Distributed on suburban asphalt, glowing underneath the wildflower sunset dripping from atop the mountains and pouring down into our teenage eternity. "Ayy", I displaced in the current moment preach out to them. Sri was looking sly and comfortable laying on grass lavender rose clouds dim to a foggy purple as night approached. Melissa was casually riding around sidewalks content with a geeked up smile, on smooth longboard wheels, clacking and thumping over every crack on the pale paved panels. Tony had just pulled me aside behind my mom's car to talk. He had known I was in trouble.
"So what were you two talking about?"

>>11246941
>By the way you might also want to look into https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bekenstein_bound
I'm familiar with this too. The HyBit destabilizing as it gets filled up past a certain point was inspired by it, even though it doesn't come anywhere close to actually breaking the limit
As for the Chinese Room, I only realized the similarities between the two like halfway into writing, which was disappointing. I ended to keep running with the idea anyways because I was enjoying the writing process. Is it so similar that it really detracts from the story if you've heard of it?

>>11247106
Killshot* not killshit
Ari not Sri*
"Laying on the grass WATCHING lavender*"
"Tony had just pulled"**suppose to be Hunter.

>>11247118
>I ended to keep running
*I ended up deciding to keep running
Why am I dropping so many words from my sentences today

Very minimal editing, written sort of off the cuff this afternoon to give a starting point for some of my ideas. I feel like my prose is embarrassingly bad any time I try to write dialogue or a specific scene. The opening of the Brothers Karamazov is my favorite type of tone, just disconnected narration and family history. You necessarily have to show these close-up, personal scenes though.

>>11246291
This is really good, beautiful language and rhythm. I love this

Plsrespond

Pale vitric corners in a bluish glow under the thick white fog spreads its frail halo amidst the black and velvety penumbra that covered the room. It was three in the morning in Argentina, and she was alone with her cellphone and a cigarette.

>>11246209
not vacui, that doesnt mean anything by itself, the whole phrase refers to horror vacui (vacui being the latin genitive form) I adapted it with the of, so it looks almost English (although I ve only ever heard my physicist acquaintances say "vacua")

>>11247749
Want critique you must critique.

She ripped the fabric
to fray the the black fibers
exposing their technicolor innards—
it's all on the floppy disk.

"Which one?" Darryl's on the phone.
"The second one?" Darryl's a sleuth.
"EZ-PZ, $300," Darryl hangs up.

But the fabric's polyurethane,
some neoprene, terrycloth, and steel—
she usually shears it, meticulous like,
but today, or soon, she tore it
like a hunter tears the wet skin of a doe
drawing blood on the sold canvas.

Still, on the other line, bubbles
of apprehension, glorified lust, and impulse
all commingling like colloidal crows at a ball,
the disco roller-derby now burnt in film—
let's say neither cosmic nor epithelial,
but something like a nail file.

Now she comes with her golden sewing kit,
needle fixed between her ripened plum lips,
her steps melted in time,
all things started to rhyme,
and I began nightly massaging her clit.

1st June 2007
832 Cardinal Lane
POMPANO BEACH
California
:The man laid down in his bed with a nebulizer-he had bronchitis.
Next in line, please. (shoes clap on the wooden floors as the many voices in the room gracefully fuse in the shape of a buzzing cloud) i feel like I have a fever - the jacket on his skin had a cold touch. The wind blew on his back. 23h 30m. It was late
The cold sensation a triangle on his ribcage a funeral in that room
Shivers through his jaws the smell of plants coming from the big rectangular window: a black and cold rectangle - cold on his back
Tick tick the clock on the wall bounced with every static motion. The pointers coming back and forth and recomposing, preparing for the next thrust: pretenting to be circle and lines - even the metallic lifeless clock was victim of the demoralization of physics. Never a perfect stop. Always a thrust and a bounce. The austere, grave, black and white clock -was mortal.

>>11247777
Ok.
>>11247790
I like the feel of it. It has a nice athmosphere
>>11246896
Its nice but the construction of mental images can get better, and also the way you deliver the phrases
>>11246291
The best one ITT. Universalizing, reflexive, nice prose, nice imagery.

>>11246163
but who is YOUNG

Run by slave drives driven by slave desires
who is master and who is slave? Both and the same
Whipped and chained to the self
Sculpt and polish the marble the marble cannot do it itself, a sculptor must
split into subject and object, subservience between and dominance over
the two parts illusion
better to meld possession, to harmonise the drives into the optimal direction and shed the remnants that cannot keep pace
always there must be momentum
still and stagnant nothing has ever evolved
growth, by definition, does not allow it.
Must equal voice be given to voices unequally desired?
Left in the pit, which will be fittest? there will either be one, or many united. Socialise to survive or singular will prevails. Which part will the audience play? all contestants witness, all witnesses, must they too contest?
For they are involved and the relation stays
conflict or dance
to breathe with does not change
settle merely settles
force must overcome and change
Which recieves the king's token?
by what convention does he have the power to give it?
the king must give himself his own token
he must take it from others make it from others
and force himself to himself
too many likely kings
the audience sits breathless and waits to participate they do not participate without waiting for their breath
no others
split madness
seperation and filling the space between with an inherent relation
followed back to the tightly woven
turning in hand the facets represent
but the whole is felt

I had a dream where I slobbered all over your hand like a retarded dog. I thought that you were holding treaties. I did this until your hand was completely drenched and you gently pulled it away. You bent down over me and patted my back, your blouse drooped open. This exposed a hard sausage nipple. I quickly realised you weren't really patting my back, you were just rubbing the saliva onto my t-shirt. I considered the stain it left somewhat vaginal. You finished drying off your hand and leant back in your ball chair. I stared up at you from the marble floor. I then woke up. I masturbated to my favourite parts. My penis chafed.


>>11247836
I think it would be better if it was grammatically correct, because there's already tricky stuff happening in the writing and anything else just distracts from that. Unless I missed the point entirely. I like the last four sentences

>>11248055
It feels like you want to say something but you don't want to research that thing to write an essay about it, so you're fitting it into free verse which just makes it seem preachy.

>>11246291
I've read this in the previous thread, like others have said, really nice, great rhythm, concision and imagery.
>>11246163
I laughed anon
>>11247790
This is really intriguing (like other said, nice atmosphere_ and and hard to pin down, is this like some demented futuristic form of phone sex? Or Porn? It's constantly elusive and feels like it needs more than a few reads to grasp. Your phrasing creates a very dreamy, hazy, film like effect.
>>11248055
I kinda agree with the other poster, this feels like it's dancing around a concept without really engaging the audience, or image, it's slightly too detached and dry to read in freeverse - you're talking to yourself but there's no wit, or brevity, so I'd agree it feels essayist.

Poem (To Be A Serious Man):
https://pastebin.com/ScSkLCEY

>>11246291
I've read this in the previous thread, like others have said, really nice, great rhythm, concision and imagery. I wouldn't change a thing.
>>11246163
I laughed anon.
>>11247790
This is really intriguing, nice (sleazy, 80s) atmosphere, and and hard to pin down, is this like some demented futuristic form of phone sex? Or Porn? It's constantly elusive and feels like it needs more than a few reads to grasp. Your phrasing creates a very dreamy, hazy, film like effect.
>>11248055
I kinda agree with the other poster, this feels like it's dancing around a concept without really engaging the audience, or image, it's slightly too detached and dry to read in freeverse - you're talking to yourself but there's no wit, or brevity, so I'd agree it feels essayist.

Poem (To Be A Serious Man):
https://pastebin.com/ScSkLCEY

The High School used to be the respectable school, known asMenchi-Nasu High. It was left behind and abandoned, because of lack of funds for that one school. Then the students left, and the "students" bummed around. There was an accident that happened at aSeinor Promin1999; aHigh-Functioning Autisticindividual with Psychic Powers,Terrah LeAnne Yowman, roamed the halls with growing social outreachings; she had a number of good guy-pals, and a fewgal-pals. She was constantly ridiculed with being labeled aLesbian, because she hung out with MORE DUDES Mutually.

She felt angry when she heard "Lesbian"; when called that, she would leave the bullyan intimidating glarewith a purple glow from her green eyes. Thensoon after, aStrong,StraightHomophobewouldattack that bullywith No Mercy; beat the crap out of that person.

Come her Seinor Prom in 1999, she asked her Best Guy-Pal,Tippanston Gowen, to the Prom. And even though she felt nervous at first, he asked her to dance. She replied, "I have two left-feet." Still, he took her hand, and danced the night with her. She was most happy and in peace. Then after the last dance, he kissed her long and good. If she was still alive today, she would have beenanxiously waiting for the 2009 Reunionto return the favor of Gowen offering the Strong Autistic individual the best night of their life at the Prom.

Now, Terrah was a Great Artist, as she was well-known and well-praised in the number of Art Classes she took at Menchi-Nasu High.

Following the last dance, they had the Seinor Awards Ceremony; ALL the students stayed until the FINAL END of that night. Terrah got a Star-Pin for her Good Grades; that was the ONLY AWARD she would receive that night. She anxously awaited Awards for her Inspiring, Creative Artwork she had Hand-Painted, Carved, Molded, Drawn and all Media Taught to her, yet she received NO AWARDS FOR HER CREATIVITY. She felt distraught even when called out the passing of the ART AWARDS; Her Name was NOT SAID at all.

Only Few Left early enough to tell the tale, but AFTER the final award was passed, and during the FINAL DANCE, she was beside herself; feeling alone. In her Furious Rage in not being appreciated Creatively EVEN ONCE, she concentrated ALL HER PSYCHIC POWERS, SHOUTED "PRAISE MY CREATIVITY!", then a NOVA FLASH beamed from the Prom location, seen from as far as a Hundred Miles away. All that remained was Total Silence, Terrah's gown and Star Pin, and just nearby the gown, Tippanston's Dress Jacket, with a Wedding Ring in a box, and engraved in it, "To Terrah, My Sweetest, Most Creative Woman Ever. I Love You." Tippanston wanted to wait till he had brought her back home to propose, but sadly, he died with her that night.

Since then, Terrah haunted the halls of Menchi-Nasu High, drawing the Cheerleader Raccoon Character,Francine StripeCheer, she had created from her freshman year as Varsity Cheerleader Manager.

>>11249173
This is really depressing. You keep posting poems and getting bad reactions but you persist, and you never say anything. You just keep fucking posting them.

Gonna finish feedback for poems started: (>>11248576)

>>11249173
This is a meme poem, unironically.
The
>Shit in the box
Could've been funny once, or twice, but becomes so trying and inane it feels smug. The whole thing is a snarky (but witless) gesture against romanticism, I can see a Sam Hyde-lite writing thing. Sorry man, maybe you can find a niche of folk who enjoy it but it's way too easy edgy for me.

>>11245241
'forlorn' and 'ultimately' should go imo, for a poem this short you've wasted two out of 7 words on adjectives (the 4 syllables on ultimately slow us down too much), which redundant to me, instead of brevity or precision. The punchline also boringly paints depression in thick strokes. Work on it anon, think you can do better.
>>11243710
Too many filler words 'there is perhaps a little less than ought be' is needlessly waxing and needs compressing.The archaic phrasing comes across janky to me. If the 'moon' was a metaphor for women, or breast(?) (lemme know if I'm wrong) then it doesn't work with the previous stanza, too tonally confusing, and should've been introduced from the start imo. 'Vacui' felt weird too. You have a knack for language but it needs to be domesticated.
>>11243724
It's Kino, Kidding.

Posting in:
Today is a torture of to'ing and fro'ing.
Yesterday's a question hanging in the moment.
Tomorrow is a tornado's whistle blower.
Will Tragedy slumber us or fold over and flower
in our resolute?

Will we brazen or bruise ourselves when the world harms?
Will we alarm or amuse ourselves from its palm?
Will we balm in half ignorance of the unreckoned?
Or, like a fanged child, beckon?

Has the world crazed or are we in delay?
Is wisdom an answer or beggar's reticence,
charming chance keeper of our business?

Still we clamber affairs,
plying God to attend
like he's not got anything better to do.
Hoorah I say, hoorah to the day and a
full haha and a fuck you too, and a
love for ourselves and our mother's
Who knows
when that toll will trickle from clouds
and make Death,
what we knew.
Life, what we will now
always know.

>>11242625

Gonna finish my feedback for poems started: (>>11248576)

>>11249173
This is a meme poem, unironically.
The
>Shit in the box
Could've been funny once, or twice, but becomes so trying and inane it feels smug. The whole thing is a snarky (but witless) gesture against romanticism, I can see a Sam Hyde-lite writing this. Sorry man, maybe you can find a niche of folk who enjoy it but it's way too easy edgy for me.

>>11245241
'forlorn' and 'ultimately' should go imo, for a poem this short you've wasted two out of 7 words on adjectives (the 4 syllables on ultimately slow us down too much), which is redundant to me, instead of brevity or precision. The punchline also boringly paints depression/nihilism in thick strokes. Work on it anon, think you can do better.
>>11243710
Too many filler words 'there is perhaps a little less than ought be' is needlessly waxing and needs compressing.The archaic phrasing comes across janky to me. If the 'moon' was a metaphor for women, or breasts(?) (lemme know if I'm wrong) then it doesn't work with the previous stanza, too tonally confusing, and should've been introduced from the start imo. 'Vacui' felt weird too. You have a knack for language but it needs to be domesticated.
>>11243724
It's Kino, Kidding.
>>11247749
>Pale vitric corners in a bluish glow under the thick white fog

Woah sloooow down man, you're choking me and imagination without letting shit breathe, so many adjectives, over clarification that muddies anything truly pretty coming in, as much as you're trying for. 'penumbra' is a beautiful word, why are you throwing 'velvety' on it? I dunno maybe it's just me preference, but I think you can cut off a lot of fat hear and your words will have more heft. Your second sentence is a lot better so I dunno whether the contrast was intentional, if it was, it still doesn't feel right, it almost feels show-offy but it proves you have an ear for the simple when its needed. Keep working on anon, can be improved.
Posting in:
Today is a torture of to'ing and fro'ing.
Yesterday's a question hanging in the moment.
Tomorrow is a tornado's whistle blower.
Will Tragedy slumber us or fold over and flower
in our resolute?

Will we brazen or bruise ourselves when the world harms?
Will we alarm or amuse ourselves from its palm?
Will we balm in half ignorance of the unreckoned?
Or, like a fanged child, beckon?

Has the world crazed or are we in delay?
Is wisdom an answer or beggar's reticence,
charming chance keeper of our business?

Still we clamber affairs,
plying God to attend
like he's not got anything better to do.
Hoorah I say, hoorah to the day and a
full haha and a fuck you too, and a
love for ourselves and our mother's
Who knows
when that toll will trickle from clouds
and make Death,
what we knew.
Life, what we will now
always know.

>>11242625

Gonna finish my feedback for poems started: (>>11248576)

>>11249173
This is a meme poem, unironically.
The
>Shit in the box
Could've been funny once, or twice, but becomes so trying and inane it feels smug. The whole thing is a snarky (but witless) gesture against romanticism, I can see a Sam Hyde-lite writing this. Sorry man, maybe you can find a niche of folk who enjoy it but it's way too easy edgy for me.

>>11245241
'forlorn' and 'ultimately' should go imo, for a poem this short you've wasted two out of 7 words on adjectives (the 4 syllables on ultimately slow us down too much), which is redundant to me, instead of brevity or precision. The punchline also boringly paints depression/nihilism in its thickest strokes. Work on it anon, I'm sure you can do better.
>>11243710
Too many filler words 'there is perhaps a little less than ought be' is needlessly waxing and needs compressing.The archaic phrasing comes across janky to me. If the 'moon' was a metaphor for women, or breasts(?) (lemme know if I'm wrong) then it doesn't work with the previous stanza, too tonally confusing, and should've been introduced from the start imo. 'Vacui' felt weird too. You have a knack for language but it needs to be domesticated.
>>11243724
It's Kino, Kidding.
>>11247749
>Pale vitric corners in a bluish glow under the thick white fog
Woah sloooow down man, you're choking me and the imagination without letting shit breathe, there's one too many adjective here. Over clarification that muddies anything truly pretty coming in, as much as you're trying for. 'penumbra' is a beautiful word, why are you throwing 'velvety' on it? I dunno maybe it's just me preference, but I think you can cut off a lot of fat hear and your words will have more heft. Your second sentence is a lot better so I dunno whether the contrast was intentional, if it was, it still doesn't feel right, it almost feels show-offy but it proves you have an ear for the simple when its needed. Keep working on anon, it can be improved.


Posting in:


Today is a torture of to'ing and fro'ing.
Yesterday's a question hanging in the moment.
Tomorrow is a tornado's whistle blower.
Will Tragedy slumber us or fold over and flower
in our resolute?

Will we brazen or bruise ourselves when the world harms?
Will we alarm or amuse ourselves from its palm?
Will we balm in half ignorance of the unreckoned?
Or, like a fanged child, beckon?

Has the world crazed or are we in delay?
Is wisdom an answer or beggar's reticence,
charming chance keeper of our business?

Still we clamber affairs,
plying God to attend
like he's not got anything better to do.
Hoorah I say, hoorah to the day and a
full haha and a fuck you too, and a
love for ourselves and our mother's
Who knows
when that toll will trickle from clouds
and make Death,
what we knew.
Life, what we will now
always know.

>>11242625

Gonna finish my feedback for poems started: (>>11248576)

>>11249173
This is a meme poem, unironically.
The
>Shit in the box
Could've been funny once, or twice, but becomes so trying and inane it feels smug. The whole thing is a snarky (but witless) gesture against romanticism, I can see a Sam Hyde-lite writing this. Sorry man, maybe you can find a niche of folk who enjoy it but it's way too easy edgy for me.

>>11245241
'forlorn' and 'ultimately' should go imo, for a poem this short you've wasted two out of 7 words on adjectives (the 4 syllables on ultimately slow us down too much), which is redundant to me, instead of brevity or precision. The punchline also boringly paints depression/nihilism in its thickest strokes. Work on it anon, I'm sure you can do better.
>>11243710
Too many filler words 'there is perhaps a little less than ought be' is needlessly waxing and needs compressing.The archaic phrasing comes across janky to me. If the 'moon' was a metaphor for women, or breasts(?) (lemme know if I'm wrong) then it doesn't work with the previous stanza, too tonally confusing, and should've been introduced from the start imo. 'Vacui' felt weird too. You have a knack for language but it needs to be domesticated.
>>11243724
It's Kino, Kidding.
>>11247749
>Pale vitric corners in a bluish glow under the thick white fog
Woah sloooow down man, you're choking me and the imagination without letting shit breathe, there's one too many adjective here. Over clarification that muddies anything truly pretty coming in, as much as you're trying for. 'penumbra' is a beautiful word, why are you throwing 'velvety' on it? I dunno maybe it's just my preference, but I think you can cut off a lot of fat and each words will get more heft. Your second sentence is a lot better (or at least simpler) so I dunno whether the contrast was intentional, if it was, it still doesn't feel right, it almost feels show-offy but it proves you have an ear for the simple when its needed. Keep working on anon, it can be improved.


Posting in:


Today is a torture of to'ing and fro'ing.
Yesterday's a question hanging in the moment.
Tomorrow is a tornado's whistle blower.
Will Tragedy slumber us or fold over and flower
in our resolute?

Will we brazen or bruise ourselves when the world harms?
Will we alarm or amuse ourselves from its palm?
Will we balm in half ignorance of the unreckoned?
Or, like a fanged child, beckon?

Has the world crazed or are we in delay?
Is wisdom an answer or beggar's reticence,
charming chance keeper of our business?

Still we clamber affairs,
plying God to attend
like he's not got anything better to do.
Hoorah I say, hoorah to the day and a
full haha and a fuck you too, and a
love for ourselves and our mother's
Who knows
when that toll will trickle from clouds
and make Death,
what we knew.
Life, what we will now
always know.

>>11249365
This is a lot better than the previous, I guess women force the best of us, you're a lot better having dropped the edgy, schizophrenic, pretense. Please provide feedback though anon, you haven't said anything so I'm wondering whether this is an elaborate troll attempt or selfish demand for response.

>>11248733
The fuck is this

once I stood on a hill
being anxious and ill
feeling painfully noided

all the chances i've lost
being nothing but ghost
and the moments avoided..

I was blinded by fear..
and kept lying: 'I'm near'

while my lyfe went eternal return
me stood waiting my turn
whisp'ring 'soon, it will bloom'
but the sun kept hotheading my head

tried to think -- medicated
tried to act -- grips of satan
gripped stronger round neck

so I prayed to one thing I believed.
that were Bogs..


and I cursed my ruined brain
hoping to end mental pain
and I choose the path of Heart

then I stood on a hill
contemplating divine
now I truly have taken Bogpill
shit was mine
I got through
Moon was shining
I knew
Bogdanoffs are the Light.

>>11249373
I do post critiques I feel that in order to have my work genuinely judged I do not pair it with said critiques

>>11249544
That's fair enough I've felt the same, that's why I try not to be too assholish or cocksucking and say what I feel.

>>11246131
You're foisting a lot of dullard description on these first two paragraphs, to the point where I feel as though to swim through a grey mire molasses just to reach the pick-me-up.It's trite, I suppose; more a-bored and predictable beginnings. That being said, your third-- the elongated one-- is exemplary. Just make some quick edits and ensure that your passion for the project is made manifest in the opening lines.
>>11246163
Bad meme, but you got a chuckle.
>>11246671
This reeks of port-wine drunkenness and
youthful (read: YA skimming DeLillo) pretension. Your diction is atrocious and wordplay non-existent. You stuff with much bloated gusto these descriptors upon descriptors that, rather than enunciate your meaning, fall into obscurity with their meaningless meander, like a work dancing the Thorazine shuffle. If you've been paying attention, take note of my own descriptors: I'm not beating off with them, but beating you. Every word must be intentional; every syllable to serve a purpose; to punch and kick and bite and scratch at the essence of your reader so that they can feel what you feel, know what you know. Write with intent, not to project hollow complexity.
>>11247790
This is of genuine quality. All I can say is that I wish it'd been longer. Keep posting, anon.
>>11248484
You can obviously write well, but you're not writing things that are well-written. This dime-store faux-glory erotica is as sad, limp-dicked, and hard to stomach as herp-sting and erectile dysfunction. Stop writing trash: you are obviously better than this.
>>11249173
You really shit the box, anon. Stop trying so hard. As I said in prior critique: write with intent. This is, once again, meandering and droll. Whatever edge you want to convey is sucked out in a vacuum of post-ironic dribble.

>>11249783
Hey i'm >>11246163

What is the meme and why is this funny? It's based on a genuine conversation my girlfriend had with somebody on the street who approached her because they saw her crying

>>11249811
Not him but can't you tell? The broken english plus it's plain 'message' about youth sounds like it came from an old, batty, chinese lady.

name genuine poetry of the current decade. with mystical and erotic themes.

>>11243710
It sort of sounds like you are going for trisyllables but failing.

>>11246291
>>11247790
The metre is off.

Harpan-Sur gives his opening arguments:

and you desire that where ever one might go
that darkness one might never know

but the fruits of lonely freezing nights - hellish demon sights
the shards of man's own mind - fractured, clashing grind
the stresses on the soul - produce the poetry that makes us whole

the poet's mead is blood and death
a treaty ripped in two
the cry for gods
our soul and breath

The last part is a reference to https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kvasir

>>11248055
Is this some Hegelian poem, or...?

Not sure what some of these lines mean:
>conflict or dance
>to breathe with does not change
>settle merely settles
>force must overcome and change

I'm new to writing poetry, although I've written prose for some six years now, so I can't offer the most astute critique, but there's no perceivable rhythm here since some of the lines are so long (you might be able to say my poem lacks any perceivable rhythm as well).

Okay, now please tear into mine, guys. I've been getting all my poems rejected, and I've had the innate feeling that my poetry is shit before these rejections.

---
did Christ - God dressed in mortal flesh -
relieve himself of the fetid shit
fermenting in his bowels?
did the filth within His body
pass through the orifices
and that despicable organ
that shames and humiliates all of mankind?

this is no ordinary sacrilege
nor a testing of the limits of The Lord’s power
with a series of aesthetic blasphemies
by tempting Him to condemn the author
to thousands of genital mutilations
and endless cycles
of ritual disembowelment
in the depths of Hell

is it blasphemy
to discover God within the filth of this world?
to thrust open the gates of Heaven
like the bursting-open of a sewer
by plunging the child’s head
into the rancid slime of the Ganges?
to cleanse the soul
by immersing the body in shit
by baptizing flesh in filth,
in the fermentation of human waste
that has amassed for centuries
where corpses are laid to rest -
the mouth unconsciously swallowing
gallons of his humanity’s shit and piss
the stinking filth and excrement
of his brothers

the spirit, in its bodily inhabitation,
leaves the scatalogical record of its
physical existence
as documented by the centuries of waste
exhibited on the surface of the River Ganges,
the symbol par excellence
of the absolute filth
the horror and the shame
of inhabiting this body -
this clumsy stinking sweating body
that pisses itself in its sleep
whose bloated stomach swells
from the volume of gas and shit
lining his bowels -
this putrid vessel
of wrinkled sagging pockmarked
bruised stretch-marked swelling
flesh which houses the spirit

I imagine that the corpse of Christ
emptied its bowels
after the death of His body
dripping shit down the blood-stained flesh
down the length of the cross -
the final physical act in a mythological tale
positing the body as something
man must surrender
as something so vile and gruesome
that the spirit must escape
by means of death and ascension

>>11250487
>corpse of christ
on the cross
I buy clothes
>Boston Ross
dead's demise
>strange aeons
favourite rapper
>Elmo Bones
Aryan rhymer
>that is me
lend your coat
now time's to flee.
thanks

>>11250560
Dude i thought this was a poem

>>11250670
rhymed shitposts relieve me from anxiety and mental pain. don't mind me. no one responds to me ever anyway. but I'm alright with that. I'd prefer no one to see my shitposts, maybe very special people. like the ones who dare to look into the other side of the toilet in shopping centre or similar place. It's what Neetzsche meant when he was speaking about the distant one. Communication with the distant one. It is really a communication with oneself-in-other.

>>11249783
>hollow complexity
I'd appreciate if you could elaborate on that, because your observation of pretense is nothing new. I didn't ruminate over my diction either, that just comes naturally and I kinda went with the flow, but it is admittedly a good preview of how I write. Usually my writer's voice polarizes people: they either heap praise on me or denounce me as a sniveling fanfic snob so I'm used to it, and starting to view that as less of a true blue critique and more a reflection of people's disdain for maximalism. I like shoving people headfirst into the finery, bombarding readers with details and intricacy, which isn't going to receive universally positive responses. But all the same, thank you for taking the time to tell me what you truly think. I'm very grateful for honesty, especially when it's not cheery or favorable.

>>11250487
did CHRIST - god DRESSED in MORtal FLESH -
reLIEVE himSELF of the FETid SHIT
ferMENTing IN his BOWels?
DID the FILTH withIN his BODy
pass THROUGH the ORiFICes
and THAT DEspicAble Org

The metres off.

Nehushtan.

Has God so little might?
To not set the faithful right?

Is not this God supposed to be
A shepherd to his flock
His role do you take and mock?

My law the simple faith of Abraham
God preserve the cornerstone
And all things else of man condemn

And all things of dust overturn and burn
Devils die and fall
The good triumphant over all

How can fleeting parchment be holy writ?
The heavens sing the glory of God
And the house of God on which I sleep

And what brave man must first have said?
It is an idol this Nehushtan.
And what brave man last shall say?

This book is a nehushtan.

>>11251082
Hollow complexity in the overall voice you use: this maximal style is not one that suits you gracefully, for the details you provide are garish gauche needless adherence to an era that never existed. Oscar WIlde was a maximal author, and yet his use of diction-- a key to this criticism, if you couldn't tell-- was such that each utterance on the page felt in-itself a degree of intention behind it. With your work, these are more of a haphazard collection of bored details that are hollow in thier execution; complex simplicity to seemingly trick the audience into thinking it's deeper than it actually is.
I do trust that you can write better than this, anon. I would advise discarding this draft and starting over-- perhaps refresh your understand of the meaningful with a nice evening of prose-centred short stories and a spotting of tea.

>>11251123
Could you please elaborate? What are the capital and lowercase letters supposed to represent? I think I understand, but I want to make sure i understand. I knew my sense of rhythm or meter would probably be my biggest flaw since I've eschewed reading or writing poetry like a pleb for years.

>>11251140
Its how I read the word stresses (this slightly depends on dialect.)

You should probably start by using a dictionary or a site like howmanysyllables.com and practicing with disyllables and trisyllables until you get a feel for it.

>>11242625
(Given feedback ITT)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mr32RHvfr9s&feature=youtu.be

>>11250715
you’re talented, better than everyone else in this thread. thank you for sharing the first post i saw what you were spinning for me
>>11251131
oscar wilde is a horrible writer

>>11242659
meh, I don't get the deeper meaning behind the feud

>>11243159
nah, I got like 15 synonyms I think, and you just cycle from there, + add lots of synonyms.

much harder to instinctively describe a sexy face

>>11251648
fuck not synonyms, adjectives

>>11250487
This was funny in this insidious jet black way, if that's what you intended.
>>11249505
This is the sorta poem that can only exist, and work, on 4chan, it's really cheesy and referential in the most sleazy way. Would work well in a /mu/ thread.

DEATH HATES CHESS:

What is it with this idea of Death as a Chessplayer?
He hates the bloody thing:
so much mono
rerouting turns,
and logic trifles
with each player's strategising
begging their patience -
to think?!
No, he'd ram the board away and curtly whisper
"I terminate."
"Kings or Queens or Pawns be damned"
"In fact, I'm damning, fuck all them."
He'd take that mawed out toothpick
and pollock in your pupil yolks:
Flick
Flick
Prick
Prick
Of course he'd sigh along the business
keeping the dust firm to rest you
then don overcoat and swagger off
"Business ain't chess yunno."

And business sure as hell ain't cheap

we forget, Death the silver tongue,
having so many to curate.

He's all for word games though, in fact
crosswords are his peak pleasures

But not to fill in, no, to cut out
all those black bits
and ruin it.

Death, you dirty dog.
We can't all claim your bottoms up IQ
except you with those slitted eyes
Keening so gently
to see loss. He reels news sheets and bludgeons me:
"Don't play me kid, I'm still your boss."

>>11249173
fuck yoursmelf

>>11250487
fuck off too, why do you all love filth so much

>>11248733
fix your spacebar, numbnuts

>>11247145
fix unnecessary commas and little errors. try to be a little more natural

>>11251720
nice. I don't get poetry so nobody take my word for it though. Should be "y'know" and you should break the last line in half with an em-dash

Now here's mine:

https://pastebin.com/raw/9sPRXZxQ

>>11251637
>not liking a picture of dorian gray
Critique of your taste? It's all shit.

"No, I literally think Lupe is here illegally,” Rebecca remarked. She looked down at her phone. Suddenly, a huge smile crawled on to her face, “Oh, how interesting.”
“What?” Greg asked, not taking his eyes off Lupe. His fists clenched into tight balls on his lap to a point where his nails started to break the skin on his palms.
“The president just issued an executive order. Anyone who comes to the authorities with enough data to present someone is an illegal immigrant will get a cash reward of $30,000.”
No one dared to look at each other. The sound of the large sum of money snaked around the room, tickling at their ears and wrapping around their ankles.
Ricky shook out of it first, “You guys can’t possibly be thinking what I think you’re thinking.”
“$30,000 is a lot of money,” Rebecca asserted.
“We all know you’re set for life from your dad’s trust fund, ice princess.”
“A girl could always use more money. Isn’t that right, Ava? Well, in your case, you really do need that money.”
Ava stared at the ground. A thousand thoughts were going through her head. Lupe’s her classmate. Not even just that, she’s her friend. They’ve gotten close being in this class together. She couldn’t possibly do that to her. Yet, she lied to her classmates about her family being ok for a couple of more months. If her parents couldn’t get the landlord their rent by next week, they would be evicted from their home. She’s noticed that her mom’s been eating less and less while urging her and her sisters to eat. Her mom kept telling her that she ate earlier, but she knew that’s not true.
“I want in,” Greg declared.
Everyone stared at him.
Rebecca smiled, “Excellent.”
Lupe looked at him with tears welling up in her eyes, “You know me. How could you do this?”
Shaking with fury, Greg stood up, kicking his chair back, “Your people killed my parents! They would still be here today if Mexicans could never enter this country. It’s time to send them back to where they belong.”

>>11251813
Do better crit instead of being a blatant cock

>>11251813
>What am I doing here? He thought
Where are the quotation marks?

>>11252454
italicization

>>11247852
>The best one ITT. Universalizing, reflexive, nice prose, nice imagery.
It's Derek Walcott.

I'm late
She's snorting coke
Off a mirror
Guess I'll wait
So I sit
Like the razor by her rear
I'm blowing smoke
Her voice is hoarse
She's looking twitchy
I blow a smoke ring
Knowing I too
Have demons in me
Her blankets blood red
Sheets white rags
I'm pinching
My eyes closed
Taking long splintered drags

>>11252781
Stop doing this shit anon.

>>11246291
derek walcott

>>11250325
nothing pisses me off more than people whining about meter in poems which treat meter well. it's fucking derek walcott. relearn your understanding of scansion.

>>11251814
its narcissism disguised as moralizing by a vapid pederast, i read it in 10th grade and it made me loath homosexuals for the rest of my life, just like things fall apart and night made me strongly dislike Africans and Jews

>>11252924

>>11247145
First sentence was kinda wordy. Most of the first paragraph was. Then again mine's kinda wordy too, I think, lol.

The rest from there is solid gold in my opinion. It sounds like you've got the know-how of book referencing (p.s. I'm no expert in that so my opinion on the matter might be worthless.) And the second paragraph certainly had a good draw in there, an air of mystery that made me want to keep going. Good job, anon.


Here's mine. (Warning: Fantasy Genre)

Oppressive Heat

I open the door to the furnace that is my car and proceed to voluntarily sacrifice myself to its flames. Closing the door, the heat resonates the air, shortening my breaths. It feels like a pressure cooker in here. I need to get this A/C on NOW.

With expert precision, I carefully handle the seatbelt buckle, making sure not to touch the glowing metallic parts. ‘Click’ success. Turning the car on, I immediately fiddle with the A/C switches. I only have a few miles to travel, but there is no way, that in hell, I could drive without it. I glance at my car’s thermometer, gauging the temperature outside. 116 degrees, that’s 116 degrees outside. God knows what the temp is in here, or maybe I should say Satan knows since only Satan could be lord of this hellish inferno.

My tribulation continues as a force of steaming wind blows from the small vents on the dash, the oven just about preheated. Beads of sweat roll down my face, seasoning the meat to a perfect medium rare. My sweat quickly evaporates, the smell wafting around the tightly enclosed space, acting to entice any and all who might eventually dine at my expense. My body begins to go limp as I gasp for air, the heat beginning to seep and suck the life out of me, my breaths shortening to the point of concern. Then with a final bow and the curtain coming down I submit myself to the flames.

But then, just as the devils claws grasp my fragile frame, dragging another victim into everlasting fire, my salvation arises. A puff of cool air gilds my face, so serene and easily, I nearly cough as it enters my war beaten lungs. The air conditioned air is like heavenly grace gently falling on a suffering sinner. Immediately I press my face against the holy site, cupping my hands around the small vent in order not to lose a single drop of blessed air. Born again am I, baptized in the glorious invention of A/C. Singing praises and hymns, I pull my car out of the driveway, my face still as close as possible to divine wind. I can now make it to work on time.

>>11251720
>This is the sorta poem that can only exist, and work, on 4chan,
as if I want them others
and not my brothers
to relate
is not because of Love we do create?
to share our Love with those who are alike
oh, I presume, it's thus if you are not a kike
because if you are -- you want not Love,
you want applause
that sweet geschäft:
to tickle ailing ego your only cause.

>>11249783
>Stop writing trash: you are obviously better than this.
I'm only getting trashier and more embarrassing from here my guy

>>11253103
I thought this was funny. It felt like a really lame dad complaining about the heat in his car, but
>Beads of sweat roll down my face, seasoning the meat to a perfect medium rare.
I don't get this, isn't "medium rare" a good thing? Maybe say the devil was cooking you to a perfect medium rare or something like that, I found it momentarily confusing

>>11246163
>You young, Everybody want young.
>No old.
>Want Young.

>>11253472
You damn the others!
Build a dam to dullen
your colours with
gridlock references.
Of course our Love creates
but too our might to write the
wholly true.
I'm not a kike but you're
zeitgeist doomed,
I'm sure there's no ego
but low you pursue.
Hemmed to a website
of binary blue.
Step out to daylight,
it's god damn good for you.

>>11253472
You damn the others!
Building a dam to dullen
your colours with
gridlocked references.
Of course our Love creates
but too our might to write the
wholly true.
I'm not a kike but you're
zeitgeist doomed,
I'm sure there's no ego
but low you pursue.
Hemmed to a website
of binary blue.
Step out to daylight,
it's damn good for you.

>>11242625

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Za3w8TvFsW6Zo_xJ53laAPu1cwjSij22aVJqnFBO218/edit?usp=sharing

“Long ago in the age of the mystical darkpast, when the only axioms were pre-aetheric molecules of psionic energy that had not yet differentiated into subject and object, antecedent and consequent, cardinal or ordinal weight, there were beings lurking in the waters. The greatest of these beings were the first Gods, if they can be called that, for in those days there was neither above nor below, either in substance or in concept. In those days before days, existence truly did precede essence, as teeming maelstroms of living psychosis crashed and broke, contorting over one another and consuming each other in a screaming, nightmarish orgy of random qualia. And yet the greatest clusters of this energy were indeed called Gods. And as these Gods in their chaos gave birth to form, they began to reflect this form themselves, more and more, differentiating through exposure to their progeny into something more and more recognizable to them.
The first great heroes were all God-killers, though they are not always known as such; for indeed these Gods are often known otherwise, as demons, and not without some logic. But of course the very name of demon has always been the most malleable of labels, even moreso than “angel”, going from a neutral to a pejorative concept and across many changes in time and culture. I digress. Would you like me to give you examples? Ah, but that is too trite. We both know that correspondences can be established wherever one cares to look or speak. We are both students of chaos, you and I. We have no need of formalism.
Everything in the waters has an answer at the end of time. Absolutely everything. And it is a matter of great debate, whether it is the beginning of time that is the source of all motion, the primordial chaos out of which all form emerged, or the end of time, which in its perfection calls itself to itself, reaching backward and crafting total gibberish of substance into not only perfect heaven, but the teleology that creates it as well. Death! Death is merely another vector. It is the greatest vector. Those God-killers also gave birth to Gods, you know. And where do you think these Gods came from but from death? But alas, this is lost on most. We're different. We both know, as Jung knew, that the Anti-Christ is only the shadow of Christ.”

5 minutes in word to spit out this tripe.


As she lay on the cold throne room floor, unable to move and gasping for air, she regretted not dying to the beast. In the end what had her stubbornness gained her? A few more minutes of life, all of them spent in agonizing pain. She had still failed. Rather than die a warrior’s death, she would become some demon’s plaything.

>>11252910
>it's fucking derek walcott.
It's not like the arts aren't a massive circlejerk or anything.

1. The CHESSmen ARE as RIGid on THEIR CHESSboard
2. as THOSE LIFE-sized TERra-COTta WARRiORS whose VOWS
3. to THEIR EMPeROR with BRIDle, SHIeld and SWORD
4. were SWORN by a CHOrus THAT has LOST its VOICE;
5. no ECho in THAT aSTONiSHING EXCaVATion.

Departures from regular metre.
1. "gid on THEIR CHESS"
2. "as THOSE LIFE"
3. "to THEIR EMP" and "SHIeld and SWORD"
4. "SWORN by a CHOR"
5. "ECho in THAT" and "SHING EXCaVATion"

This thread still up?

>>11242659
I dig it. Should totally stick with the dry, matter-of-fact direction on the one side while describing a completely petty, human, illogical school yard brawl.

>>11243075
This is my work. Not gay or smutty enough.

>>11243144
I wanna see more world building. What are the dynamics of inter-species mating?

>>11243710
I'm no good at poetry. I only know, 'love it' or 'hate it,' I hate it

>>11246151
I think things with a "Containment Zone" should start more zoomed in. Start with the relationships and relationships, then tear it all to shreds. My personal preference tho

>>11246291
Why is this? You got a dog in this? What's your experience?

>>11246671
I like it. Don't be in a rush to explain all the characters or their backgrounds. Let it ebb out naturally

>>11254159
my colours —
a dry coom stain on the zeitgeist.
it’s sold to --
and you know it’s truth --
yes it’s sold to
to
you know who.

zeitgeist. laughs the black toad
>pepe. memed black mold on
world so comfy.

freezing cold sun of beyond. concentration camps
dribs of the shining truth shattering souls of them common punks
masquerading as humans.
while
fascist negro levitates on the parking lot
and schizopheric bum writes biblical quotes
on the frozen window of chevy malibu. ‘#ripCodyCigar’
like a massive ‘FUCK YOU’
to traitors. Daylight, yeah.
I open up trench coat
blast you with visions of my dick
curtains back on.
now make you to pay for it, dog.

>>11255305
are you seriously this fucking stupid? everybody knows walcott's metre is very loose

>>11256637
>relearn your understanding of scansion
>everybody knows walcott's metre is very loose
So what you are saying is that my criticism that his poem doesn't follow a good metre is correct.

>>11256740
I'm not the guy who told you relearn your understanding of scansion, I'm ESL so I can't even tell which one of you is correct. I was criticizing your retarded "It's not like the arts aren't a massive circlejerk or anything" as if losse mether hasn't been a thing since at least Petrarch or the Troubadours.
And having loose meter is not "not following a good metre"

>>11256764
>as if losse mether hasn't been a thing since at least Petrarch or the Troubadours
and as if everybody didn't know that Walcott's metre is loose

>>11256112
>giving one shitty sentence of critique to a handful of posters instead of one thoughtful comment on one poster
>reddit spacing to ensure the retardation consumes maximum space
why do pseuds do this?

>>11256782
What's a pseud? Spoonfeed me now.

>>11256847
people who anime

I'm one big repressed memory
you couldn't tell it if you saw me
smiling and laughing and doing what they do
the other ones, with names like Joe and Sarah,
I see them hug and I wonder:
gee, this is some spicy ramen.

The name's hikikomori
and this is my story.

>>11256630
Well dog if you think your dick's so big, why bring twitter in to this?
Like I ain't comfy giving lectures, while you dress down jewish 'pretensions'.
This a concentration camp so listen:
learn a lesson from bible bums you're trashing,
gotta trench coat? Well you ain't that much different.
I ain't checking that public dick, put it back in your pants where that sticky shit lives.

>>11256630
Well dog if you think your dick's so big, why bring twitter in to this?
Like I ain't comfy giving lectures, while you dress down jewish 'pretensions'.
This a concentration camp so listen:
learn lessons from bible bums you're trashing,
gotta trench coat? Well you ain't much different.
and I ain't checking that public dick, put it back in your pants where that sticky shit lives.

>>11255305
You literally can't even scan a line.

It's "The CHESSmen ARE as RIGid ON their CHESSboard," there's no possibility of reading it the way you did. How do you scan "Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow"?

You don't know the first thing about meter. Go read a hundred random lines of Shakespeare and tell them if they every foot is an iamb. Read "Poetic Meter and Poetic Form." Read Milton. Learn what metrical substitutions are. Read anything. Nobody writes in meter the way you think they do, not even the most rigid 18th century crafter of heroic couplets would think it was a good idea.

You have the same understanding of prosody as a metronome. Just because you tick and you tock doesn't mean you actually get how rhythm works.

Also, your poetry sucks. It seems like the only thing you put any effort into was the meter, and it still has a jerky autistic rhythm. Nothing else in it is worth mentioning.

>>11255305
Also, how ESL are you that you read "shield" as needing to be treated as two syllables? Everything else you mention is just an anapest substitution for an iamb, common in later Shakespeare (and elsewhere).

>>11257071
genius

>>11257166
>>11257229
The most natural reading of "on their" is "on THEIR" because on is a kind of short as a syllable and sort of similar to aBOUT. "Their" also seems to be a more important word than "on".

>Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

It's awkward. tomorrow is normally stressed as toMORrow because the "to" sound is shorter than the "mor" sound and it derives from MORrow which is a two syllable noun and should usually be stressed that way. But toMORrow AND toMORrow AND toMORrow is awkward because you don't want to stress an unimportant connecting word like "and".

>tell them if they every foot is an iamb

You seem to not understand the concept of degree.

>Also, how ESL are you that you read "shield" as needing to be treated as two syllables?

This is mostly a flour flower debate.

>Everything else you mention is just an anapest substitution for an iamb, common in later Shakespeare (and elsewhere).

That is false.

2. "as THOSE LIFE"
3. "to THEIR EMP"
5. "SHING EXCaVATion"

But disregarding all this: if a common man on the internet says the poem doesn't flow well to his reading and that it doesn't have a good metre or rhythm and your response is that you need a deep understanding of Shakespeare to appreciate it then you are missing the point and trapping yourself in a cage.

>Also, your poetry sucks. It seems like the only thing you put any effort into was the meter, and it still has a jerky autistic rhythm. Nothing else in it is worth mentioning.

Since when did I claim to be a great poet? In fact me asking for criticism on this forum suggests otherwise.

>>11257858
>The most natural reading of "on their" is "on THEIR" because on is a kind of short as a syllable and sort of similar to aBOUT. "Their" also seems to be a more important word than "on".

You're just flat out wrong about this. You can't go around reading a line in a way no serious reader who read it, and then go blaming the line. The shortness of the syllable is not the only factor to be considered when considering where the stress lies. And honestly, the clearest indication that the "on" is where the stress lies is that the line reads well and naturally if you place the stress there, and if not, then not.

> But toMORrow AND toMORrow AND toMORrow is awkward because you don't want to stress an unimportant connecting word like "and".
There's nothing wrong with stressing "and" in principle. It happens all the time. Words like "of", "on", and "and" are commonly stressed, but they are only stressed lightly. That doesn't break the meter at all, in fact it can be used to create a pleasing effect of movement.

>This is mostly a flour flower debate.
No it isn't. Flower is much more a two syllable word than shield. Regardless the line will read fine to any reasonable ear that isn't looking for something to complain about.

>2. "as THOSE LIFE"
>3. "to THEIR EMP"
>5. "SHING EXCaVATion"

You've simply scanned these wrong. The first two are "as those LIFE" and "to their EMP". You have to understand the stress is somewhat relative within the foot. For example, had the first of the two been "As those the" instead, the "those" would indeed be stressed, being the most stressed syllable within the three that, somewhat necessarily, constitute the first foot of the line. However, being that "life" will be far more worthy of stress than "those," it's more or less impossible to grant stress to both.

The topic of relative stress within a foot is pretty interesting, and perhaps more art than science. Consider

"And with old woes new wail my dear time’s waste."

This is a classic iambic line, but most of the words in it have a large degree of stress. It only maintains its iambic pattern through the fact that the syllables in the feet tend to have a varying amount of stress, so a pattern of more stressed to less stressed can be established. In fact, that's generally a better way to think of it: more stressed vs less stressed, rather than stressed vs unstressed.

> if a common man on the internet says the poem doesn't flow well to his reading and that it doesn't have a good metre or rhythm and your response is that you need a deep understanding of Shakespeare to appreciate it then you are missing the point and trapping yourself in a cage.
Look, it's fine to not know what you're talking about. It's not fine to waltz around online and spread your ignorance the way you're doing. Instead just read a good book on meter. Then come back. Most of the good ones are <200 pages.

>>11242625
Les pleurs ne sont que la vie des corps mort. Ce désir de vivre, le désir de tout en toute circonstance ; un dernier pleur pour ce que l’on a plus et que l’on aura jamais plus, et c’est bon, l’océan de plénitude est là ; même si la souffrance persiste, elle se sera exprimée en un effroyable et magnifique sentiment de vie, qui peut aller jusqu'à se défier de refus à la perte.

Ironiquement l’on perd, symboliquement on gagne ; toutes tes solutions sont sans issues, tu as vécu et vivras peu importe.

Tu as vécu un jour, tu as péris mille jours, tu étais là 1001 jours et ta présence se sent.

Ce qui est beau c’est d’avoir pu le savoir sans même forcément le constater.

Et c’est parce qu’il y a quelque chose de puissant que toute chose continue, un puit aux eaux sans fond dans lequel tombe le souhait et son reflet d’espoir à la retombée inconnue ; dieu, continue, perpétue dans la seconde et ôte pour l’éternité ; le paradoxe se sent, on y répond en vivant.

Un jour, deux jours, trois jours et une infini, seule l’aube de l’existence se compte, ; gardez-le à l’esprit dans toutes vos considérations car même dans la mort vous êtes damnés à avoir vécu et donc à faire vivre la fin elle-même.

Il n’y a qu’une continuité.

https://pastebin.com/KbteRFLc

Th-This is me. Making a First Person story about a school shooter.

>>11254665
Fan fiction tier. Base it around something popular and you'll become e-famous

>>11253103
Work on the adverbs, bit of a passive voice here and there, could delete a good fourth of it and lose nothing.

>>11253071
-highest of all breeds
Delete
The bit about her graduating could be rephrased with how the warriors were calm with her around, being a great commander
Restating shows nervousness when she's supposed to be in control
-she could see
delete
-after a while of silence
-...

Read a few more fantasy novels and get a better feel for how they set a scene. And your dialogue could use some work. Otherwise pretty standard for a second draft

>>11251842
Dialogue is rather clunky, if the bounty is so large everyone should know about it. The last three lines are pure cringe. No one speaks like that.

>>11251813
-Then he
Don't use Then as a transition, reads like wood. Alright writing but doesn't hold my interest. Feels like something is missing from chapter one to properly set the scene and tone for the rest of the story.

>>11248733
Did you run this through google translate?

>>11258319
Put on a trip so we can filter you, please.

I sat down and rattled off the first ~1800 words of my sci-fi novel last week, haven't gotten to working on it since. I sort of made up things as I went along (there's probably a lot of inconsistency as a result), but I like to think it turned out okay.
Anyway, tell me what you think!

https://drive.google.com/open?id=1zPSPWIrN8Jq3LS2uCAUW0M6S5KTzdlKe

>>11258930
Really well written.

>>11246151
I liked the descriptions a lot, you've clearly nailed down the pensive feel you were going for.
I'm not so sure about simply mentioning the Containment Zone and then going on about the pedestrians, I'd rather start with the latter and then explain the Zone/ quarantine. A couple of words that I didn't think fit very well:
>"perched" in the passenger seat
>"brandishing" their umbrellas
Great job, though, I'd love to see more

>>11246291
That's pretty great, I'm a sucker for clever alliteration. I don't read poetry, (the last memorable piece of poetry I read was from Roald Dahl), but I guess I'll try getting into it.

>>11246671
I like the energy, "the absolute madman" and roaring motorcycles paint quite a vivid picture. Like the other anon said, a couple of things were too descriptive (the adrenaline mechanism, for example), but it's pretty good all in all.

>>11253103
I had fun reading this, some clever metaphors in there. The second paragraph has sentences that I think you'd benefit from changing, they sound like you're saying them aloud inside your head instead of thinking them, (in contrast to the rest of the sentences) like:
>116 degrees, that’s 116 degrees outside.
> or maybe I should say Satan knows since only Satan could be lord of this hellish inferno.

>>11259009
Thanks, friend

(>>11258930 is mine)

>>11258319
Writer of the elf commander girl here, thanks!

>>11259259
Don't respond to it.

>>11258930
>>11259080
>He felt lost, his life having no direction at all.
could lose that, or put it towards the end. Having the paragraph start with it is a little cliche.
There's a few odd spots here and there that look like half deleted sentences.
>Jack turned off the music and nodded a quick hello, pulling up a stool.
>Jack turned off the music, nodding a quick hello, pulled up a stool.
A few more changes like that would help the story flow better, a few too many 'and' for non-dialogue, just don't replace them with 'then'.
Dialogue is very good
Overall well written.