/lit/ - Literature

My grandfather actually met and was friends with Hemingway. I grew up in southern BC, but we often vacationed in Sun Valley, Idaho, where my grandfather lived. My grandfather had a great sense of humour and every summer when we visited him, he would always end up telling us a Hemingway story. I only really remember one story but it just shows what a funny man my grandfather was.

It was 1959 or 1960 and my grandfather was grouse hunting with Hemingway in the foothills just south of Ketchum. It was a warm afternoon and they took frequent breaks, sitting on the hillsides and looking out over the valley with their rifles in their laps as Hemingway’s health was failing. ‘Papa’ was a stern and quiet man by then. Grandfather liked to lighten the mood whenever he could. He would tease his friend and sometimes narrate the thoughts of the grouse as they wandered stupidly close to them. “Duh, what is that man pointing a gun at me for?” And then my grandfather would shoot the grouse. Pretty funny stuff. Hemingway never laughed because it wasn’t his nature, but my grandfather knew he liked the gags. After a short day of hunting, they would retire to Hemingway’s porch to smoke and sip from Hemingway’s large collection of Cuban rums and cigars. They continued this ritual several times in the summer of 1960. Mary would make delectable apple pie and grandfather and Papa would devour it. Papa rarely spoke, except to compliment his wife on her apple pie. My grandfather, picking up on this, decided to pull another gag. After another grouse-hunting session that had to be cut short due to Papa’s aching body and pervasive melancholy state, they were sitting on the porch. Papa turned to my grandfather and said, “I often feel that even with an infinite natural landscape before me, my mind is incapable of happiness.” My grandfather, seeing his opportunity, pulled a tin plate of whip cream from under his chair and said, “But I heard you love pie!” And creamed Hemingway in the face with the pie. It was a legendary prank and my grandfather told us that story a dozen times.

Papa died shortly after that, but I knew my grandfather must’ve been one of the last bits of joy he had in his life.

>buy a cravat, tweed jacket, and some shiny cannibal shoes
>I Have Become The Hunter
>invite an old friend of mine over for dinner...
>confit de hamburger meat, hot pocquette under a bed of marinara sauce with fried pommes du terre
>as I make the feast I imagine that it's the remains of a 23rd year old Slovakian exchange student that I have abducted.
>"wow, nice sloppy joes, anon"
>I can barely control The Beast
>Adam Chaikovsky on the radio and Drive ost
>the finest cranberry juice (Ocean Spray, 2012)
>during dinner I try to probe his mind, trying to somehow decipher the pathetic nature of Humans
>"Do you believe in god, my friend?"
>"Excuse me anon?"
>"G-god must be a madman, lest he choose to be a m-monster"
>triumphantly pop a morsel into my mouth
>it misses, bounces off my cravat
>he leaves early
>I finish the rest of the sloppy joes, content
>at school the next day everyone thinks I'm gay
>apparently my hissing, smirking and staring deep into his eyes was seen as flirtatious behaviour
>the Beast still hungers

>>10842396
i was in that thread, it was a good time

also fuck NYC. I just returned from there, it was hellish. Psychos rambling at themselves everywhere, rats and garbage in the subways, everyone angry, dreadful weather, shoebox apartments...why would anyone want to live there?

>>10842396
i get shit for it but im posting old shit anyway to keep the thread bumping

>>10843571

>>10843573

Leave Toni alone :(

>>10843582

>>10843592
my favorite

>>10843598
most of the rest are mew funnies

>>10842396

>>10843556
>everyone angry, dreadful weather
I could understand the others, but I don't get these.

>>10843589
Good one!

>>10843629
cold and dreary winters and it's often overcast. and even when it's not overcast you don't get much sun because of all the tall buildings

And what don't you get about everyone being angry? That's like the ultimate NYC stereotype. And it's true. Everyone's in a foul mood.

>>10843642
>cold and dreary winters and it's often overcast.
Which is a good thing, fuck the sunny day meme. Even then, this is untrue in the same months its true in most places in the northern hemisphere.
>And it's true.
It's not, everyone's trying to get somewhere, they aren't angry. Just because everyone in Tokyo is trained to have a plastered smile doesn't mean they feel differently.

>>10843673
>it's sunny in most places
my bad.

>>10843616
lmfao

>>10842513
ive been to sun valley and it proved to me that hemmeister was a pseud

>>10843556
>why would anyone want to live there?
strivers following after economic opportunity, kids looking for cultural-commercial success.

>>10842513

I really hope this is a true story.

>>10843598
Explain why this is funny please

>>10844101
>military men behaving menacingly and whiteknighting irl
not at all surprised tbqhfamalama

>>10843556
>why would anyone want to live there?


high paying jobs, the diversity in beautiful successful women. the diversity in beautiful successful men.

I love when ppl from west bumfuck visit nyc for a week or even a month and think they got anywhere close to actually experiencing NYC.

>"Crash" Mom got a dog
If you don't get this get out

>>10842513
I shouldn't be laughing at this, it's very stupid

>>10844195
Wow haha three opinions lined up haha good one reddit

>>10844368
what happened to this cunt? did his 15 minutes already end?

>be me
>just starting out as a philosopher
>sell my car and fly to Paris to be philosopher
>brought nothing but the clothes on my back and a corncob pipe
>walking down the Champs Elysees looking for one of those cafes that has tables on the sidewalk
>find one
>order an aperitif
>forgot tobacco
>put empty pipe in my mouth
>snooty waiter returns with my aperitif
>"Sir, you may not smoke here."
>Here's my chance. I take the pipe in my hand and deliver my response:
>"You have reasoned that, because I put the pipe in my mouth, I intended to smoke. You have made a false assumption, as, on top of a pipe, and perhaps a match, one also requires tobacco if one is to perform the act of smoking. The pipe, however, is empty, which renders your command not to smoke entirely incoherent."
>snooty waiter, impressed by my philosophing, leaves in disgrace
>put pipe back in my mouth
>get run over by car driven by Muslim

>>10844222
kek

>>10842513
makes me sad :( I just read a farewell to arms. my first experience with hemingway was for whom the bell tolls and that book fucked me up hard. I was in a deep pensive and dissociated state for the rest of the day

>>10844195
>no “only sluts like it”
0/10

Join our group if you're on Telegram. It's called Funny Fucking Shit. It's been around for two years and we have 14,000 funny content and a family of members. Good moderation so no bananas or Reddit tier trash. You will be welcomed with open arms especially if you have funny content.

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>>10844184
not even post ironically good

>>10844130
> the diversity
> the diversity
> actually experiencing NYC

That sounds like a nightmare. I don't understand this modern white guilt induced mindset of loving diversity. It inherently breeds social disorder and is inferior to a homogenous society.

>>10844986

>>10844986
Reminder, this is the caliber of person who makes these threads.

>>10845138
I'm not affiliated with the OP. I was just desperately searching through the /lit/ catalogue for anything vaguely resembling the theme of humour so it would be justified spamming the invite link to my group. Because I want it to grow and grow fast.

>>10844101
fucking kek I am so glad this isn't real

>>10844130

>I love when ppl from west bumfuck visit nyc for a week or even a month and think they got anywhere close to actually experiencing NYC.

This sounds way more ominous than you intended it to.

>>10844120
>Explain why this is funny please
When has anything ever been funny once it's explained?

>>10844101
oh my god

>>10845245
makes me want to curl up into a quivering ball of misery and disgust/10

>>10844368
was lookin for this one, cheers mate

>>10844130
NYC girls are hideous

>>10845119
>don't understand this modern white guilt induced mindset of loving diversity.

nigga suck my dick.

>>10845563
No only the women you attract are hideuous.

>>10845119
Are you retarded? Get out of your bubble mang. Why do you /pol/ faggots always assume diversity means only racial diversity and then start something out about white guilt? Variety is always a good thing. Would you rather live in a small town out in the boonies where everyone is a factory worker or a big city where you have many different people of many different backgrounds who practice various professions?

>>10843551
Not seen this before, pretty good

>>10845591
Those girls are disgusting looking

>>10845675
t. flyover cuck.

>>10843570
I fucking love this image.

>>10843571
It's OK Anon, I laughed.

>>10845715
It looks like she fell off a motorcycle face first without a helmet
Poor girl, even her eyebrows didn't survive

>>10845738
suck my dick from the back

faggot.

>>10843629
Summer is nice but fall-spring sucks.

>>10843673
>I have never left where I live
It shows. Even at the most crowded times of day people in Tokyo have some level of mutual respect about people. Even in the pushing and shoving no one gets upset at anyone. It's a common courtesy, you're all in the tube together. In New York people will yell at you and push you out of the way just to get one space ahead of you.

>>10844130
>NYC girls
>attractive
Wew lad. You're not wrong about the rest of it but girls from NYC are ugly as fuck.

>>10844373
He just released a new book that was an immediate best seller. His YouTube is actually interesting from time to time. Not sure why he gets so much hate.

>>10845762
Wrong

>>10844431
Did the muslim crash the car into the cafe?

>>10845657
the one with more white people

>the one with more white people

>>10845768
>His YouTube is actually interesting from time to time
please fuck off

>>10845747
First one was ok but she looks like a disgusting prostitute here get better taste

>>10845747
de la breadwhore

>>10846526
that’s not a bread whore you ape

>>10845591
The chick isn't that bad looking, kind of average. The scary alien standing next to her spooked me a little though.

>>10846549
chick on the right > chick on the left.

t. someone who isn't a manlet

>>10843570
This is really well done

>>10844101
This had people staring at me on the train for laughing

Does anyone have that Spanish/italian book cover with Shinji on it.
I think it had something like "amore" in the title, and it was about some school.

>>10845254
>Oy vey goy! How anti-semitic of you to imply that you should enjoy music!
I like atonal though

>>10845893
T. Cletus

>>10844130
i visited brooklyn once and passed out on a sidewalk from walking too long, i could never handle the real nyc experience

>>10846567

>clearly anorexic
>in any way attractive

>>10846581
THis is disgusting

>>10845762
hilarious opinion from an ugly, poor person who has no friends on the coasts worth a damn

>>10846748
>girls is naturally skinny and tall
>HURR SHEZ ANOREXIC

What is it like being a brainlet as well as a manlet?

>>10846821
Ok desu senpai sorry

>>10844130
People like you are the reason NYC is the shithole it is

>>10846875
>one anon's opinion is why a city of millions is the way it is
Do I even have to say it?

>>10845662
It's from /tv/

>>10845657
nyc people are the fucking worst. You're so fucking smug and it's disgusting.

>>10844101
As the writer of this it's comforting knowing that the hours I spend writing fiction might never be read but a shitpost I made up in however many seconds it took to type the thing out will live on forever

>>10843551
the man behind the mask: in short.

>>10842513
You write nicely

>>10845259
yes

>>10845657
In the middle of the wilderness, where there are no people, no non-existent problems, and only the calm and chaos of that which isn't really understood to keep one company. Cities are good in moderate doses, as are any other place in the world.

>>10845657
ny is dead. you live in a post-gentrified bug mall

>>10847087

Thanks.

>>10847009
This. I live in London and it's exactly the same here, I'd prefer to live among more down to earth people, the type of "rural shmucks" city elitists scoff at.

My all time favourite is the one where the anon answers "talent" in his class and the professor dies laughing.

>>10844197
That's partly why it's funny though. It's kind of a classic 4chan post

>>10847445
NYC has always been a bug zone you neo-romanticist swamp yankee pseud. its been a bug hive since the Dutch landed there, since the WASP's dominated that entire region and is now with the endless SWPL's, Cali transplants and mud hordes

>>10846581
The full-page answer is pretty cute. So much of the rest hurts

>>10845893
stormfags are hopeless

>>10845254
Music doesn't need melody, it just needs a beat.

>>10848705
What makes you think that? You could argue that it was a "bug hive" after white flight in the 1960s and the ensuing crime spike, but that was temporary (crime is remarkable low now) and even then it had its own distinct culture -- ethnic groups lived in their own enclaves but racial tensions weren't that bad outside of the 80s and 90s. Los Angeles has lower levels of blacks than almost any city in the East Coast and its the worst city in American history when it comes to racial tensions. The Watts Riots, Rodney King Riots, NWA, OJ Simpson, etc.

Gentrification, like capitalism, doesn't care about culture or ethnic ties. The things that made NYC special are all dead and gone, and never coming back. Check out "Vanishing New York: How a Great City Lost its Soul" for a social and economic commentary on this. I'm a little biased because I grew up in the 1990s when the crime wave had largely abated and gentrification hadn't run its course as much, but this city used to be something special.

>>10848750
Explain classical music

>>10848858
hit or miss since the book istelf isn't actually named

>>10848878
It was how to win friends and influence people.

>>10845269
haha

>>10848890
This is a much better version of that image.

>>10846581
Are there seriously people like this?

>>10844431
kek

>>10844101

>>10843570
This is fucking great

Happened recently but it was a gud bread.

>>10843589
Most greentext stories are surrealist shit I don't believe ever happened, but for some reason this one strikes me with realism and seems that actually did.

>>10845262
sensible chuckle

>>10849183
I don't get it

>>10849191
it's 4chan

>>10849215
I still don't get it

>>10849183
> dresses well
But also
> meat

This makes my grammar confused.

>>10848786
>i dont think he means bug the way you think

>>10848705
>neo-romanticist yankee swap pseud
this made me laugh. still—maybe it's just a matter of degrees. when i grew up there it was legit like KIDS without aids, now it's kids lined up for iphones

>>10849382
>>10848705
re-reading i see you said "swamp yankee." was still funny when i misread it

>>10842396
can someone post the one where anon wrote a book with every second word being 'nigger' or some derivation of that?

>>10843616
fucking #rekt

>>10844368
"My name is Ywhna Khadir, and I shall burn your towns like paper, mashallah!"

I did an entire Rupi Kaur parody if that counts

>>10844222
What if I actually write this.

>>10843570
Fucking saved

>>10848103
The protagonists in the book aren't douchebags though. The entire book is about how immoral it is to expect others to take care of you and how moral it is to work hard and try to accomplish things you believe in.

>>10848750
A lot of early Western music (chants and such) doesn't have a scale or a beat, or at least, doesn't notate it. Google Neumes
>>10848840
If this isn't bait, look up time signature. Better yet listen to and compare two classical pieces in different key signatures, you should be able to feel the differing pulse very intuitively

Music is kind of a nebulous term and there's not really one agreed upon definition amongst experts and music historians. My personal favorite is simply that music is humanly organized sound, which is extremely broad but so is the field of music through history. And that's just what we can know of from historical documents, notating music at all is a fairly recent development in the grand scheme of human history

>>10849861
>key signatures
Time signatures fuck

>>10849861
who are your a few of your favorite musicians

>>10843551
Cant wait to hear more tales of The Beast.

>>10848647
my mum treats someone who she likens Diogenes, basically was some cambridge grad that fell off hard now lives in squalor and does kind of walking cult thing.
unfortunately for my mum he harasses her and will call her a nazi at any given time

Fresh OC

>>10849968
terrible, stop memeing and go read something good.

>>10848930
Yes, it was memed properly

>>10847028
kek'd at the original post but this made me kek even harder, thanks anon.

>>10845748
I genuinely don't get the people who want sun 24/7, I happen to like that the seasons change. Is it just southerns and californians who don't know what snow is saying this stuff?

>>10849884
Assuming you mean classical, I'm very into the romantic composers (Lizst, Beethoven, Paganini ect.) Mahler Is probably my favorite but Beethoven is very well known for a reason and he's good to start with if your interested

>>10845254
Why do jews like atonal music?

Because its rootless.

>>10849968
I like it!

>>10850144
kek

>>10846817
Strikeout, sorry m8. Just face facts that the girls are ugly. The city attracts three types of girls: gold diggers, "career women," and artists. Even the gold digging type aren't that good looking up there.

>>10850025
Well, for one clearly I was talking strictly about the weather in NYC.