/lit/ - Literature

>>10566949
"It was a dark and stormy night."

How can i know what the first sentence is going to be if I haven't written the last sentence yet?

>>10566949
Once upon a time, in a far away kingdom...

John Cena died

‘Here is how you will write. You will use your erotic energies to push the story forward. It will sustain you. You will write continuously for the next three hours.'

The coffee was good, at least.

>>10566949
Crash!

In the early 21st century, submarines were easily defeated by hydrofoil drones equipped with KrF lasers, quickly incentivising the creation of the aqua-tank.

Are racial minorities truly human?

>>10566949
A large penguin had been standing perfectly still for around 3-4 minutes. His surroundings, frantic to an observer were incredibly calm in his own mind, mostly due to his almost meditative state.

>>10568368
That's a question not a sentence idiot.

>>10568382
but it's the first sentence in my book ):

>>10568387
A question ends with a question mark. A sentence ends with a period (if you are american a period is a full stop). Learn to grammar.

>>10568394
A statement ends with a full stop.
A question ends with a question mark.
Both are sentences.

T. Australian

I shoved my face into the crook of my elbow, bringing my arms up, pointing in the opposite direction as my face, dabbing on my haters like they were nothing.

>>10568394
tfw you never learned about declarative/interrogative statements in 5th grade

>>10568408
In an instant, I was surrounded by hellfire which engulfed me in its blaze. I tried dabbing on Satan but each dab only gave him more power as he grabbed me and pulled me into the eternal Inferno.

>>10568400
You might want to look up what those words mean before writing them down. I thought his was the smart board.

>>10568425

>>10568419
I could feel the heat of hell sinking deep within me, I had to do something to avoid this eternal damnation.

>>10568427
That makes no sense.

Only one enemy remained. Two, if you counted God.

>>10566949
Through the long arduous trial that was his life, Harold had learned only one crucial fact about human life: Serbians are not people.

Checking his clip one last time, Barron Trump paused for a moment, and then, as though some question had been answered, briskly re-holstered the Glock, pushed open his bedroom door and stepped softly out into the corridor.

>>10568585
*god
yeah, I lowercased it. triggered much?

>>10568442
Yeah it's the dictionary that's wrong, not you

>>10568442
"Smart board" indeed.

>>10568394
good lord...

>>10566949
"Condemned 92 was lined up against a wall in the prison's courtyard."

Translated from my native language, which is not English. If you want the original quote, just ask.

>>10569012
nigga how did you manage to sound so unlikeable with just one quote and a sentence

>>10568300
Underrated Post

Nel mezzo del cammin di nostra vita mi ritrovai per una selva oscura, che la diritta via era smarrita.

"One enemy remained, two if you count god."

>>10569062
Your comment has been duly noted.

>>10568394
bait

Have you ever been poisoned before?

>>10568660

>>10569122
bad for a beginning sentence

He fell for her like a fist to the face: not at all for a while, then smack on!

>>10569118
lascia ogni speranza, tu che trolli

>>10569227
V-virgilio?!

"Conner, get the fuck over here."

>>10566949

The horse neighed loudly at the picture held by the veterinarian, it depicted trains.

>>10566949
One fine morning in the month of May an elegant young horsewoman might have been riding a handsome sorrel mare along the flowery avenues of the Bois de Boulogne.

>>10569207
Very good
well worth half a (you)
and it's your lucky day, I rounded up

>>10569382
lol most first sentences close off so many possibilities

but this leaves literally every avenue open

i like it

The clinking of glass and aluminum muffled by cloth briefly caused Sam's eyes to open, one of those rare mistakes that makes itself immediately known by the torrent of vomit that follows.

My name is Jon, and I’m currently at an Anime viewing party.

>>10568271
go on...

"And so I slowly slid my massive, hulking, throbbing girth (it's a 15 inch) into the sweet and warm depths of my best friends asshole; he was so happy and in love that I could hear his muffled screams while he cried out at the top of his lungs between choked sobs."

eh?

>>10566949
Finally, he came all over the carpet and the small coffee table.

Many years later, as he faced the firing squad, Anon was to remember that distant afternoon when for the first time he gazed down on the top of a young woman's head as it gently moved back and forth.

>>10569476
>>10569426
>>10568298

only good ones itt

吾輩は犬である。

>>10569771
私はテキストをインターネット上で翻訳する

Toby was 95 percent sure he raped a child last night.

>>10569765
Damn right

You already know who it is: Ishmael.

>>10569771
but do you have a name?

>>10568254
A classic but also derivative, be more innovative you fag.

"Okay..." he grunted. I'm shittin' and shootin'..." His asshole, loose as it was, opened further around my tongue.

BRAAAAAP

It was a dark and stormy night.

>>10566949

"I'm calling your mother," mom said to my father, turning to the phone as he picked up the broken wine bottle.

In more ways than one, Derik didn't care to attend to today's trash conservative meeting.

>>10566949
It's rather easy to rationalize necrophilia when your climaxing inside a corpse

>>10570432
>your

>>10569893
don't break your arm jerking yourself off, tripfag

>>10566949
The golden field was now red, feathered with what had presumably been the lady's jacket.

The shower curtains were blue, not because he was sad but because he admired the color blue, though, he was also very depressed.

First draft btw

>>10566949
"It began when his eyes were ripped from his head."

>>10568271
Would read.

>>10568419
This is an entire story in itself. Anything more would be redundant. Just tweet that shit.

>>10568633
hehe

>>10569062
Leave him alone you fag. His writing seems to suck, but there's nothing there to suggest that he's "unlikeable" (which is itself a really detestable--and not merely unlikeable!--word).

>>10569207
If you could keep this sort of tone (or tonedeafness) up for an entire book, I'd really admire that.

>>10569382
I have a feeling this is from an actual classic novel. If not, damn bro you sound like you're a minor novelist of the 1870s.

>>10571927
>feathered
Even if her jacket had feathers in it, we should not say that a field is feathered. It's both obscure and poetically uncompelling.

All the rest of you suck fuckin shit.

When I was a pre teen I read a Sasuke and Sakura lewd fanfiction and instead of the usual bad writing that comes with erotic literature, the author focused on the vulnerability and comfort found between the two characters along with the sensuality of the minute actions and events the characters experienced during sexual intercourse that I jizzed my pants and I’ve been looking for a similar high ever since.

>>10569382
Where is this from again? The Waves?

>>10571985
>>10571992
"The Plague" by Albert Camus.

"I lie a lot."

>>10572065
Am I expected to believe that, mister?

>>10571997
ew that steaming pile of anovel

>>10571963
Doesn't matter if it's a first draft. It's bad. Fag.

>>10566949
"Please, no bully," he cried.

>>10569122
"One enemy remained, two if you counted twice."

>>10572322
Much better than the first draft, mathematics are deeper than religion. Very thought-provoking.

>>10572350
thank

>>10569786
Turner back at it again, I see. Is this an autobiography? Come on, Toby just give it up, and show us your true self, it's the only interesting part of you, you fag.

>>10568300
Just like I hope your computer does for even thinking that up, you fag.

I killed my husband and stuffed him down the garbage disposal.

The end.

I probably won't be there I guess, not for those ladies. I know she'll be looking for me for her way home soon.

There is a place, just down the road, where no one ever goes.

>>10566949
In the remote parts of Siberia, in the midst of steppes, mountains, or impassable forests, there are scattered here and there wretched little wooden towns of one, or at most two, thousand inhabitants, with two churches, one in the town and one in the cemetery — more like fair-sized villages in the neighbourhood of Moscow than towns.

His long fingers grasped the heavy metal bar, he eyed his fat, unconscious target fruitfully.

I noticed that the window had been broken from the inside; this was no burglary, the scene had been set so perfectly, this was murder.

A screaming comes across the sky.

The sleeping man startled to life as the bright bolt shattered across the dark gray sky, lightening up the scenery and disturbing the dark, sombre mood.

Yo yo, it's ya boy Lil Ishmael.

>>10573513
Truly iconic

>>10573033
Fyodor, you live!

>>10566949
In the dust swept cement floors of a certain factory in the city of M-, may chance bring you to this industrial grindstone, you might happen upon a tale about a lively group of men

>>10572322
"No enemies remained, one if you counted more carefully."

The only noise heard in the room was Major Felp's footsteps as he led Jacobs out of the room at gunpoint; each man knew what awaited Jacobs on the other side of the room, each man waited with bated breath to hear the gunshot that would one day, if they were lucky, also end their perpetual suffering.

>>10573515
It's about a rising star rapper going on tour with a veteran rapper, AHAB Ricky, searching for a mystical albino thot.
Thots are fish

>>10566949
>Aye you think yah better than me?

You, my dear reader, may think the man who eats himself to death to be a weak, pathetic scoundrel, but on the contrary, he is a man we should all envy; he followed and enjoyed as much pleasure as he could, never once stopping his pursuit of happiness, not even for his own health and wellbeing.

>>10571767
Don't sophisticate on your own farts while your head is up your ass, faggot.

>>10573849
*Suffocate
That shit don't even matter though.

"The gathering point of geniuses, besides the research universities, is in the prisons; I don't know who said that, but it intrigued me."

As the night drew near the previous day I had few a reason to believe that the next sunrise would bring with it any sort of existential reform.

>>10568315
Historical fiction meets pretentious sci fi gobbledigook, ashamed I even read this

>>10566949
The philosopy (from φιλοσ, 'philos', liking and σοφία, 'sophia', wisdom) is the study of the abstract knowlegde needed for the study of every real situation or object.

>>10568382>>10568394

weak bait

Discounting those who pretend not to and those who pretend to, how many humans actually do care and how many don't? What is the exact ratio? Roxana wondered as she plopped another one, but this time she felt only 1 drop on her left cheek - the 9th she had counted in total.

>>10573869
I'd read on. Pretty good

My head returned from under the bed where my discontent festered, I blamed everyone but myself for the lack of unspent whipped cream chargers.

i eat the poopoo, and i like it

"Leaving the unnatural comfort of her car’s air conditioning, she closed the door behind her, stepping into the summer heat."

Do u no da wae

>>10573607
Post what you have pls

>>10569122
This sounds like something that was written by a 15 year old who just discovered /r/atheism

>>10573337
>THE WINDOW WAS BROKEN..
>FROM THE INSIDE
I am fully captivated, this sounds like an intriguing mystery.

>>10572486
The bookstore where they sell your novels?

>>10570282
>First line
>Explicitly states political agenda
Keep writing, this is great!

>>10569419
So mysterious! I guess I have to read on to find out what happened!!

>>10572462
>For me for her
You truly are a wordsmith.

>>10573993
>As the a few a the previous day a a existential reform
Original style, can you share some more of your work?

>>10573345
>A screaming came
Me too

My head returned from under the bed where my discontent festered, I blamed everyone but myself for the lack of unspent whipped cream chargers.

>>10574180
>tfw some shitty swedes ruin a genuinely great meme

"Do you think the house’s smell changed?"

>>10574293
That last bit got me interested, but I'm easy to please

>>10566949
CRASH! The tiger is loose!

>>10574334
YES
YES!
THE TIGER IS FREE

Suddenly, the story began.

>>10574162
Good, would read more

>>10574155
I like it but the phrasing is a bit clumsy

>>10573993
Reign it in there bub

>>10573813
Also good

>>10573595
Too much "room," but a fairly strong start

>>10573535
Good, but the whole "first letter with an em dash" thing is rather quaint

>>10573511
Too many adjectives

>>10573325
"Fruitfully" is definitely the wrong word

>>10572486
This feels incredibly familiar.

>>10572322
If there's one enemy then you'll always count to one no matter how many times you do it.

>>10574234
I was actually making a bad joke but now I kinda wanna write it

>>10574404
>Reign it in there bub

Does that mean start slower?
I translated from my original language, and the "existential reform" part sounded a lot more dramatic than it should. It should be more like "change in my day to day"

>>10566949
Ensnared by the orangutan, my nude, sea salt–covered form trembled in vexation as the assault by the sheep began.

>>10569122
"one enemy remained. wait no, two, four, five...alot"

>>10566949
"Well, if Kurupt gave a fuck about a bitch I'd always be broke... I'd never have no motherfuckin' endo to smoke"

>>10574463
"Well if Kurupt gave a fuck about a bitch I'd always be broke... I'd never have no motherfuckin' endo to smoke."

Ich lüge nicht, verehrte Patres Conscripti, wenn ich sage, dass die Ereignisse, die ich im meinem Bericht wiederzugeben suche, selbst mir, der ihre Auswirkungen mit den eigenen Augen erlebt hat, kaum glaubhaft erscheinen.

I sauntered in to the maisonette, with my inward existential sensibilities directed outward in an encompassing ray of ever-sententious light.

When I was very young and could still understand a bit of German, I overheard my grandfather say to my grandmother that he wouldn't mind to die of a heart attack while tending the cattle.

The pattering of the rain wouldn't stop, the nauseous drip drop

>>10574770
lovely.

>>10569122
"One enemy remained, over 7 billion if you count the souls."

This shirt is fucking thight. I sighed.

He was so full of life.

Embracing Apollo's unrelenting glare I escaped -less than willing- the grip of the forest's cool and soothing aura and stepped onto the road laying before me.

>>10569122
"One enemy remained, zero if you don't count."

You might be wondering how I got here, and so am I! I was diagnosed with AIDS when I was just seven years old.

>>10574882
AHAHAHHAHAHAHAH

The pattering of the rain just won't stop, the nauseous drip drop

>>10574778
>>10574938
Oh fuck my mistake, I have short term amnesia, I forgot I posted in here earlier

Time is running away from me.

Today started the same as the rest - with the promise that it would be different.

I never understood wooden homes.

>>10575000
>>10574855
>>10574293
>>10573535
>>10572486
Would read more.

Call me Abraham.

>>10574272
"One enemy remained, one if you count god."

"I first met Davis Graham in Thailand, at a Full Moon Party."

"Make like your mom and blow me, queer"

>>10566949
The man stirred, so did the nightmare.

The city was dead.

I've come to hate the widespread celebration of weakness and degeneracy in modern society.

It became quite clear to me, as I sat in the cafe, waiting for my orders, that I was not prepared to do my duty.

>>10575195
>Passion for righteous violence
>Desire for justice
>Respect for aesthetics

The absolute state of internet 'fascists'.

bump

>>10575195
Lol'd

>>10575195
>fascism
>opposition to materialism
>literally invented by an ex commie who overdosed on nietzsche
sbrofl

What the fucking fuck did you just say to me, you little bitch? Elliot thought to himself as he walked down the school corridor that Monday morning.

>>10575195
>Respect for aesthetics
>Opposition to materialism

Lmao

>>10572486
Comfy

>>10574770
This is good, even with a slight question-mark over the grammar of "...mind to die....".

>>10573869

This is a good hook.

Reminds me of Joe Pesci in Casino:

"Yeah, that's right, ya fuckin' dummy, look at him. If you had any fuckin' heart at all you'd be out fuckin' stealin' for a livin'."

>Une à une, je déloge les aiguilles de pin plantées sous mes pieds.

I doubt it'll actually end up being the first sentence but heh.

>>10566949
"Bane?" I inquired, "why does he wear the mask?".

>>10566949
Honestly, I don't even know how many times I
already said that to myself.

There were no longer any fascists or communists, only anti-fascists and anti-communists.

The one true savior of man, is a roll of the die.

"Curvy narrow road, green hills, lake and three small barns - this is where we stayed for a night and at the time we did not feel that this will be our grave soon."

>>10576910
Sounds like very, very early Hemingway.

Shouldn't it be 'we did not feel that this WOULD be our grave soon'?

>>10576936
English is not my native, maybe it should be this way. I just translated my sentence.

>>10576950
Ah, OK.

In English we would probably say "Winding narrow road", not "Curvy narrow road". "Curvy" will make your reader think of a woman.

Still, the opening is good.

>>10576968
Thank you for a hint, did not know that "winding" means that. A new day, new word.

Just last think if you want to help, do you REALLY think that opening is good? It's important to me.

>>10576978

Sure. The reader wants to know how and why you are going to get killed. People love mysteries and they love violence.

So you set the scene and make it quite likely the reader is going to read the next sentence :)

>>10576991
Do not be angry at me, but the truth is I had a dream today which scared me a little and I always wanter to start writing, I still do but I do not know how. The above sentence is not from my book or novel really, I made it a few minutes ago thinking about the dream.

You gave me something that, I hope, will push me into writing finally. I always wanted to do various things but never be brave enough...

I thank you anon, I really thank you, you made me happy and I even got wet eye. To be honest I even told that my fiancee a minute ago because she knows I wanted to start writing and now someone said that one sentence is actually good.

I remember times in elementary school when I tried to write some stories but my mom were always telling me that it is not good enough, you can do better, this is shit etc. so even after allt hose years I still did not started actually writing, even if I really want.

Thank you again. You are awesome and I wish you the best from my heart.

Sorry for my mistakes but I am kinda shaky now.

THANK YOU!

>>10574463
Oh, if it's a translation that explains a lot. Your diction just came across as unnatural, kind of like you were trying to make your narrator sound deep and brooding and so on

The Arab was dead, and the sand was painted crimson in blood.

He had not felt the ground in a long time.

>>10577073
Not a bad hook. Makes the reader think "what the hell is he talking about?" without being annoyingly obscure.

>>10577072
a) Shouldn't it be "crimson *with* blood?
b) "Crimson" sounds a bit bright. Blood soaking into sand quickly becomes darker red, almost brownish.

Other than this it has promise. I for one am relieved to hear that the wicked Arab got what he deserved.

>>10577080
My book is called "Gravity's Jabbajoo-doo". I'm not gonna get published, not in my wildest dreams, and I can't afford an editor. I'm gonna kill myself soon, but I appreciate the compliment.

The sea is a fine tomb.

>>10577105
I'm sure there are people on /lit/ who will happily edit it for no payment whatsoever other than an assortment of degrading sexual favours.

>>10577119
I like this. Probably no-one else will, but that's because they are fools.

The egg, flawless, fell from a flawed womb.

>>10566949
"Dr Pavel, I'm CIA," quipped Bill Willson, his thumbs resting in his belt loops.

>>10577238
Eggs don't come from wombs. Check biology.

>>10574441
I'd write it for you but I haven't read MD

What makes Iago evil?

Bully me senpais

>Honest men follow their own rules. Viktor smoked outside his bar.

>>10577307
you never heard of a period? fuck sake, people here are nitwits.

>>10577416

OK, there's a problem with this.

When you say "Honest men follow their own rules", it sounds as though you are saying they *make up their own rules just for themselves*.
It's like saying "he follows the beat of his own drum" or something like that - it is implying he DOESN'T stick to "what everyone else has to do".

This is the opposite of what you intend.

What you mean, I assume, is that Viktor owns a bar, and he has a rule that no-one is allowed to smoke in there, and even though he himself could because he's the owner, he smokes outside, just like everyone else.

But it doesn't read like this - it shoe-horns the reader into exactly the wrong interpretation.

You could say

>Honest men follow the rules they set for others. Viktor smoked outside his bar.

But I agree this doesn't sound as punchy as the way you had it.

Give us Version 1.1 and we'll see.

>>10577441
I guess I'd just cut the 'for others'
>Honest men follow the rules they set. Viktor smoked outside his own bar.

>>10566949
Pussy farts taste like armpit.

Not writing anything at the moment, so I’ll give you something from when I was a teenager:

>An attempt on my life was made yesterday, and of all the hardships I had faced, that was the least horrifying.

>>10577419
Hmmmm an unfertilized human egg doesn't really interact with the womb at all as it never implants, so just sounds misleading to say it "falls *from* the womb".
If you're talking about something going wrong very early in pregnancy e.g. after taking an abortifacient you MIGHT describe it like this.

>>10577476
Does it really matter? His symbolism seems clear, I don't really care if it's anatomically accurate

>>10577444
Yeah, this works, I think.

>>10577444
>There are no double standards for an honest man. Viktor smoked outside his own bar.

maybe

>>10577487
I'm not sure it works for me; would have to see at least the next paragraph.
If the egg is falling BECAUSE the womb is flawed, that wouldn't be a normal period, would it?

>>10577508
I like "honest men follow the rules they set" - I think that gives the reader enough of a push into the right interpretation, and it's more vigorous, more in keeping with the second sentence.

>>10577531
Okay.
Right.
Bum.

>>10577508
>honest men have only one standard; Victor smoked outside his bar.

>>10577581
I like that, but I'd use it in a different story. Something about knights maybe, so you can use the archaic definition of standard.

>>10577600
>honest men have only one standard; Victor smoked outside his tavern

>>10577606

What's wrong with

>Honest men follow the rules they set. Viktor smoked outside his own bar.

>>10577614
This has the added advantage of establishing right away that Victor is the sort of no-nonsense man who SETS RULES.

It's his bar, dammit, and if any man lights up in there, then he's gonna have to deal with VIKTOR, and let me tell you, not only is he gonna wish he quit smoking, he's gonna wish he went into a different bar, in a different town, in a different god-damn country.

Y'all getting the picture?

DON'T MESS WITH VICTOR.

Now, where was I?

>>10568442
Now that's a good first sentence

>>10569382
Isn't that the sentence the guy in the plague kept trying to reword? I remember something about a woman on a horse

Henry was never bothered by the cold.

The unforgiving cold of a night in December didn't look like the gentle old men most people associate

>>10577783
This sentence doesn't make sense

The Chinaman made an awful ruckus, would I too?

So here I am enjoying the elbow-room and the flight attendants are closing the overhead lockers, when up at the front there's a call on the intercom and they push the door open again and in she comes, a little out of breath, and as she moves down the aisle everyone gives her a look, the men with wives and girlfriends being careful not to look too long, and then she spots the empty seat beside me and checks her boarding pass and I'm sitting here thinking, oh boy, it's a ten-hour flight, who needs elbow-room anyway?

A knife cutting flour can do no more than to force the powder into a fine haze in the eyes of the wielder, an effect causing little more than a disturbance.

I would kill you, but I dare not litter the floor.

>>10566949
I dreamt about lawn people mowing my lawn and they frightened me, sitting on their lawn mowers; the grass was like a jungle, tall, but they rode through it with ease.

this is actually just a note about my dream last night

>>10568419
Keked

>>10569012
what's your lingo?
post it

>>10568298
Hey faggot, I've been writing with you in mind

>>10577904
A new and frightening interpretation of The Lawnmower Man

>>10577972
Except it seems from the first sentence that he is not the one lawnmowing.

>>10577487
>>10577514
got you two faggots talking about it, didn't i? it's good to know i can do that from a sentence i made in ten seconds.
Besides, the egg falls from the womb in a period, it goes right through the sucker. The egg was flawless, yes. the womb is flawed as an aspect of the flawed woman.

>>10578023
Why isn't the egg, coming from the same woman, also flawed?

>>10578052
Cause babies are perfect but women are whores

>>10578052
the egg is flawless in this instance. to reveal more of the sentence would be to reveal more of my story. which i am not at liberty to do, as it is a fantastic work in the making. i'm fairly certain i have picked a perfect initial sentence with this simple experiment, however. kudos to OP for the idea.

Als Paulus von Eitzen, gebürtig dem Hause Tuche und Wolle zur Hansestadt Hamburg, Superintendantus designatus ihrer Herzöglichkeit Adolf zu Schlosse Gottorp im Herzogtum Schleswig, Doctor Theologiae in Gnaden der ehrwürdigen Universität Lutherstadt Wittenberg, den Ruf zur Übernahme des nördlichsten Bistums des heiligen römischen Reichs folgend das provinzielle Kaff, dass sich Hauptstadt des Fürstentums schimpft, zu Pferd erreicht, durchnässt von drei Wegstunden seit letzterem Zwischenstopp beim gastfreundlichen Landadel Rendsburgs – eine andere, dir ungnädig in ihr geboren zu seiende Stadt im Fürstentum – als er dort die Riemen seines Schimmels anzieht, um am fürstlichen Forst im norddeutschen Pieselwetter innezuhalten und von der Hügelkuppe aus auf das alte Schloss, noch nicht im Kleide einer kitschig-barocken Verschnörkelung und vollkommen stillosen Überornamentierung mit sinnfreiem Zierrat, sondern als noch recht stattliche, mittelalterliche Burg zu sehen; als er da so anhält, er versucht ein wenig Ehrfurcht zu fühlen, ob seiner neuen Aufgabe, als Bischof aus dem unfrommen Schleswiger Gesindel ein Volk G'ttes zu gestalten, aber unter all diesen Umständen: das scheußliche Wetter, die fürchterliche Abgeschiedenheit dieses hinterweltlerischen Ortes, der leere Magen, der sich ihm ein Wurstbrot ersehnend windet, möchte es ihm einfach nicht gelingen, und sei es auch nur der Hauch einer Erleichterung des Endlichankommens.

>>10576675

I know what you mean, but I felt when I wrote "mind dying," that it gave the impression that he desired it right then, at the present moment, rather than as a general desire for the future, whenever he was due to go.

>>10578098
Viel zu lang Junge, mein Gott ich hoffe du miehmst.

>>10578120
Yes, this is an issue.

You can get round it by rephrasing altogether, for example:

When I was very young and could still understand a bit of German, I overheard my grandfather say to my grandmother that he would not consider it a bad end to die of a heart attack while tending the cattle.

Maybe there's a better way out of it, I dunno.

>>10578189
Actually I just read over that and it doesn't really work because of "tending" clanging with "end". Oh well.

I'm drawing octagons on paper and installing red light-bulbs in all the lamps.

>>10578189
>>10578202

Does this resolve the issue?

"When I was young and could still understand a bit of German, I overheard my grandfather say to my grandmother that he wouldn't mind dying of a heart attack while tending to the cattle one day."

>>10578264
This doesn't really work because it suggests that dying of a heart attack would be just as nice as not dying at all.

What we want to say is:

Given that we have to die some time, having a heart attack whilst feeding the cattle would not be a bad way to go.

>>10578264
desu lad the first sentence sounded fine as it is, if you don't mind being grammatically wrong or whatever. Although if you just changed it to "mind dying" it would resolve that issue, but I know your complaint with that.

>>10578288

Exactly.

"When I was very young and could still understand a bit of German, I overheard my grandfather say to my grandmother that to die of a heart attack while tending the cattle would not be such a bad way to go."

>>10578304
I dislike it, "that" feels more choppy

>>10578312

I kind of agree. I'll leave it as it is now and justify the grammatical flaw as suggesting the child's imprecise understanding of German at the time.

>>10578331
>justify the grammatical flaw as suggesting the child's imprecise understanding of German at the time.

Don't know if you should do that in general. The reader will not know this is your thought process.

>>10578312
You could smooth it out by just changing "...that to die..." to "....that dying...."

But I think this phrasing loses something; it sounds too analytic and impersonal.

The way OP phrased it, the man is talking about HIMSELF dying and there's more emotion.

>>10578339
Yeah, I agree, I'd say emotion trumps grammar in this instance.

>>10578336

Fair enough. And to that point, the story is narrated by an adult relating memories from his childhood, not a child narrating in the present.

I wonder if they ever feel like a vacuum, I do - filled with dust and dirt like a flowerpot waiting to be planted in silence.

She came to face down in a foul smelling puddle.

My testicle was sticking to my thigh..... again.

>>10578626
If I were your editor I would try and sneak a comma in after "to", to make things a bit easier on the reader.
I might also hyphenate "foul-smelling".

Probably you're glad I'm not your editor :)

I liked the opening anyway. WHO IS THIS UNFORTUNATE WOMAN AND HOW CAN WE SAVE HER????

The stench of decay permeates the area

>>10578902
>three complicated words
>no full stop
>starts with 'The'

This is it.

>>10578930

>starts with 'The'
What's wrong with that?

Nowhere is the sense of victory stronger than in the common man who witnesses his politics prevail, and what triumph shines brighter than an uprooting of all established power?

>>10574433
"One enemy remained, two if you counted twice and added both results together."

>>10578626
>she came face down
I feel this is more awkard than it needs to be... just she was, would be best.

Pine trees were never my favourite.

>>10566949
One fine morning in the month of May an elegant young horsewoman might have been riding a handsome sorrel mare along the flowery avenues of the Bois de Boulogne.

>>10579609
You literally could have ctrl+F boulogne just to see if someone had beat you to it

>>10579609
simply embarrassing, delete your post

>>10566949
The vast river murk bore no semblance to the grayscale in loom.

>>10579615
damn i didnt even realize

>>10578930
>complicated
What third world shithole education do you have that ANY of those words are complicated?

>>10569122
"One enemy remained, 11303529 if you count Belgium"

>>10579627
you idiot

No mind was paid to the destruction they had caused, or to the bodies that now littered the street which they marched down.

>>10566949
It was the best of Grimes, it was the worst of Grimes, at last Grimes was officially my commonlaw spouse.

>>10568300
>he thinks an exclamation part is necessarily the conclusion of a sentence.

An angel.

Dignity and honor had fallen out of favor in these times of scarcity, as it also was in times of abundance.

>>10576978
Not that anon. I think your opening is not bad at all but you're sperging too much. Anyway, it's worthless if you don't keep it up.

Varkhan's death was fast and brutal.

>>10580631

This is self-contradictory, isn't it? If dignity and honour were out of favour in times of abundance, they couldn't FALL out of favour when scarcity arose, because they were ALREADY out of favour.

>>10581429

This is a bit more like it.

VARKHAN DESERVED ALL HE GOT

>>10580537
Does this count as a sentence?

There once was a guy from Lyon who loved to polish his schlong.

>>10581537
That doesn't rhyme friend

Chaim groaned schiachly as the camp guard signaled the start of another lampshade shift.

His face was dimly lit by a cigarette in the twilight of the dive bar.

Arma virumque canō, Trōiae quī prīmus ab orīs
Ītaliam, fātō profugus, Lāvīniaque vēnit
lītora, multum ille et terrīs iactātus et altō
vī superum saevae memorem Iūnōnis ob īram;
multa quoque et bellō passūs, dum conderet urbem,
inferretque deōs Latiō, genus unde Latīnum,
Albānīque patrēs, atque altae moenia Rōmae.

>>10571968
Bit surprised no-one commented on this already. It's good.

"Let me ask this, how are we supposed to smuggle him out of St. Helena?"

>The narrow alleyways of Morn, dripping with rain, twisted and merged into each other in the storm.

it's the first sentence of my fantasy novel

it sounds better in my native language I swear

>>10581577

there's always room for more light-hearted chick-lit in the world

>>10581639

Yes, there's a bit of a clang "Morn" ... "storm" here which you probably didn't have originally.

>>10568442

>>10568660
>The dictionary is the ultimate authority on words

>>10576892

This is what you get with neoliberalism as the dominant ideology.

There is no smell like home than the landfill where I killed my daughter.

It was 2008 again, the day I crashed Lehman Brothers.

>>10566949

After fleeing from my home in Syria I was accepted by what the press called a "notorious homosexual drinking establishment", I called it home.

CUT MY LIFE IN TO PIECES THIS IS MY LAST RESORT

He was all gay and shit. It was raining. He looked out the window like a fag.

I am seated in a Baskin-Robbins, surrounded by 31 flavors.

>>10581781
Is "Fatass" the title of the book you're writing?

>>10581790
Infinite Ass

>>10581791
It will be a masterpiece!

>>10570174
> being this thick

>>10575110
Long live the city.

>>10566949
Everything inside the office seemed to be anachronisms from man's bygone eras: a decadently dark and polished wood desk, bookshelves to match stuffed with a library of leather or paper bound books, stacks of notebooks filled with inky black, flowing script, and a man dressed in the superfluous finery of an icy gray three piece suit.

>>10581790
Someone should write Raymond Carver's "Fat" from the point of view of the fat man.

>>10575110
>>10581831
Long live the city of God, and let the city of Man die

>>10581781
This is bad, but I like it

The car is on fire, and there's no driver at the wheel

>>10581844
R8 YOU DEGENERATE BASTARDS

>>10581844

I liked this but a lot of the details seem a bit "off".

>decadently
Yeah, no. Can't say "decadently". Even if you could, would you really, really want to?

>leather or paper bound
Shouldn't that be "leather- and paper-bound books"?
Changing "or" to "and" is debatable, but the hyphen is necessary.

>notebooks filled with inky black, flowing script
This really sounds a false note because you're describing the office as it would appear to someone just standing there ("seemed") - but such a person can't see INSIDE the notebooks.
You have to restrict yourself to things accessible to the "narrative camera".

>the superfluous finery of an icy gray three piece suit
"Finery" fights against "icy". What emotion are you trying to convey? Is the man dressing in an elaborate, dandyish way or a restrained, conservative, slightly-menacing way?

Also, "three-piece suit" is hyphenated. You need to make your peace with the hyphen!

>>10566949
An everlasting memory, a pool of dreams, the boy sipped from the fountain of youth.

Ashes are a poor substitute for toilet paper.

>>10581913
I think you're trying too hard. Maybe you might try restructuring the sentence or maybe choose different descriptive phrases that actually connect with the subject of the sentence.

>>10581901
Thanks. Good feedback. Overall this sentence is meant for a book taking place for the future so some of the strange juxtapositions we're intended. Like in my future no will wear suits without it seeming overly formal like fedoras today. I see what you mean about the notebooks. In my mind's eye I was kinda thinking of legal pads instead I suppose. And to the hyphen thing I never really consider them, I don't know why. What's their importance exactly?

>>10581927

I went to India and saw a man eating Tiger.

I went to India and saw a man-eating Tiger.

PUNCTUATION MATTERS

>>10581918

hahaha, this is good.

>>10581913
I think this would be better if it were a completely different sentence.
But what do I know?

>>10581939
Yeah I see your point. That sentence was off the dome. I haven't put really any of the book into writing yet because I'm fleshing out ideas still, but in general I struggle with punctuation as a writer. Probably because I'm a lazy editor so I don't spend much time refining my prose like I should. I see a scene in my mind and I just try to get it all on paper because I'm afraid I'll lose it.

>>10581976

Writing stuff fast when it's fresh in your mind is the way to go.

Punctuation, etc - that's what rewrites (and editors) are for.

Here is mine

> You don't smell asphalt any better than when you're being pounded into the ground.

>>10581939

I would read a novel about a quid pro quo born out of this punctuation mistake.

"Holy..... I want more....."

>>10566949
>I heard a voice, calling from far away