/lit/ - Literature

no

life is too fast 20 years 20 years more faster this time old man heart attack dead nothing accomplished

>>10110623
I wasted my life becoming a lawyer. I will never write my book. I will continue working and working and working until suddenly, without warning, I die having accomplished nothing important.

>>10110623

Now that I know magick is real I can't think of anything I want to do with it. It was more interesting to just study it and use my accumulated dilettante points to troll people. I don't want to be a person who actually does things, goddamnit, I'm too lazy.

>>10110657
Better to just leave it alone.

>>10110657
Fly around and shoot fireballs.

>>10110710
Nobody ever listens, such is the way of the world

>>10110710

Better for whom?

>>10110726
(You)

>>10110734

I know that things can always get worse, but part of me is curious to see how much worse. I suppose I already know, more or less, but I hate living with a Sword of Damocles over my head. Part of me would rather it just fall and destroy me.

I've been living in the moment, the now, lately. Happiest I've been in months, maybe years. But why do I feel like such a faggot saying it? Why do these words in this combination, this sentiment expressed, sound effete, hippie, gay, lame? Would the average person from the past look at the average person from the present, and just think "what a pussy bitch"?

>>10110657
>Now that I know magick is real

Ask yourself what else isn't real, and what is.

>>10110800

I've never been receptive to people who try impossible alchemies with me at my expense.

Paddock was set up

I can't stop writing genre fiction please send help.

>>10110623
Pic related has so much meme potential

>>10110657
I know this feel mate, Its mostly pointless.

>>10110623
If guy debord was clarified butter he'd be ghee debord

Could you write a book,a manual that contains universal recipes of listening to music?

Tim Piazza could've been saved had people superseded his will of associating with his murderers and treated him as an ignorant victim BEFORE he died.

>>10110623
I'm thinking about those beans.

>>10111172
https://youtu.be/ozqdqnyusjw

Let the planet fucking boil,
Let the planet fucking boil,
Let the planet booooooooooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiiilllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllll

>>10110623
I like this image a lot

>>10110652
This is why open people should not be lawyers.

>>10111371
Im hungry for beans now.

>>10110719
burning man is so tight

>>10110623
i was doing good but trying to think something to write down here made me sad

>>10111430
Open people? What is that?

>>10111432
Then my mission is accomplished.

>>10111412
Let the bodies hit the floor,
Let the bodies hit the floor,
Let the bodies hit the floooooooooooooooooooarrrrhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

im trying to come up with whats on mind mind, right now, is the only question poping up right now. Other than that, why shouldnt we just an [ ] ourself and GG?

>>10110623
"Protagonist! would you like to go on an epic quest full of adventure, excitement and peril in order to save the world?" exclaimed the herald.
"Not really" said the protagonist.
"W-why not?" asked the herald, visibly shaken.
"I don't feel like it;" moaned the protagonist "I'm tired".

The anti-christ is coming. God is an idealist. Even the minutest of anti-christ crimes represent a great destruction.

>>10110623
I wrote three chapters of my book only to find out it pretty much exists word for word. FML

>>10110623
Angels:
Demons:
Insight:
Confusion:
Memes:
This side UP

I was cast into a void, a void of darkness. The darkness turned to dull light, then again into streaks of blinding white heat as I fell closer. The light singed my eyes, burning them into the sockets. It felt like a grapefruit spoon scraping into the frayed ends of my nerves, sending agonizing needles of light and heat into my brain. I impacted the ground, collapsed to a rough floor, and clamped my hands to the seared pits in which eyes once lay. My fingernails dug into my forehead, and my screams joined the echoing roars of the land into which I was damned. In such a condition, I was forced to yield to the oppressive malevolence and power that had a grasp around my fate, and relinquish any notion of control.

Then, with great discomfort, I felt my sight grow back. The return of my vision melted into my mind again, and I could gradually see the great horror enveloping me. A pitted ground of burnt rock stretched as far as I could see, which in this case was only about 50 feet every direction. The rest was shrouded in a heavy orange fog. The blinding light was gone, but the intense heat still remained, dehydrating my body like a weed in summer heat. In cases like this, you would think one would question the ability to grow a pair of functioning eyeballs back, or at least dwell on the thought for a brief second. Such rational cognitive function was a beyond me however, and animalistic panic was the only remaining system regulating my reactions. So I did what any panicked animal would do, given the circumstances. I ran.

A scalp

I lick the ketchup spoon.

I love posting lesser known edgy copypastas ITT because they always snare a few people. Recently I did Edward Norton's rant from 25th Hour and sometime before that Not Important 's speech from the Hatred game.

Fuuuark, I should probably start my assignment aye?
Due in like 6 hours

I had three revelations while on 1/4 of acid.

One
You can see all the colors inside fire, yet the ashes turn white and black. This is true about everything you want it to be true as well: choices you make (karma) is infinitely diverse, yet they build from the firewood you give it, which eventually turns black, then white and finally to invisible dust only to enter the never ending cycle again (samsara).

Two
I saw a malnourished stray dog on the mountains. It was a mother. Her -we use she/he for animals in my mother tongue, and I will use "her" for this dog because you need to understand it as a "her"- muzzle fixed to the ground, craving for any piece of nutrients she could get.
It was a vision of death, illness and old age (dukkha). It was completely devoid of attention to us, she was only interested in food.
I felt her presence. Black smoke it was.
My mind full of sorrow and compassion for her.

Three
My lids were closed. I can't sleep if I'm not on my bedroom with my own pillows.
I hear birds. It begins as an echo of my mind; I actually create the bird's sound. Only after the sound resonates through my mind the birds come to existence outside my body. Do I have the power to create reality? There is no "reality" neither a "non-reality". I understand emptiness better now.

A long road waits for me.

they love harry potter, they absolutely eat the shit up
in a Godless world fantasy is required to make meaning, and harry potter is one of the grandest escapist fantasies of all time, and perfectly reflects their outlook on life in a few ways:
1. Not only are you special, but you are destined for absolute greatness
2. Most people who don't agree with your world view are just ignorant (muggles)
3. There are a few people who are initiated and understand your worldview but do not agree with it. These are the "alt-righters", the "fascists", and they are evil schemers. In HP, it is voldemort and his suporters.
There's likely more of course, but I can't be bothered to mentally sift through it.

>>10112857
She looked exactly like this, her bones were a lot more visible and her mammary glands were the only hint she had something besides bones under her skin.

Life's going pretty good right now. Starting to think I may be a normie, not a future NEET.

Fucking christ why the fuck im so jealous

>>10112857
>>10112857
really interesting stuff man. I'm also currently using acid to explore my mind and the world. really helps for some accelerated thinking. I'm especially interested in point 3 as of late. I think to a degree, what we perceive is reality. Reality is such a varied construct between different people, it's different for everyone. It's kinda the basis for the "fake it till you make it" cliche. Where you act one way according to a version of reality you have in mind, and reality often shifts accordingly in response to the way that you interact with people or whatever. So if you belive that, for all intents and purposes, what you perceive can influence reality, it's just a question of how much. I believe LSD can be a powerful tool for shifting your perception to shift reality. I've had mild success so far in combining meditation with LSD to try and do it.

>>10112882
Reality always oscillates between existence and non-existence but never touches either of both extremes. This is why I refer to existence as empty (sunyata).
Onw, Two and Three are divided purely for anecdotal purposes. They are collectively one big concept. Reality in Three can be seen through One. Colors are the senses (mind is also a sense). I'm still not sure what firewood and ashes are supposed to be.

I still have to meditate but I'm so tired. I find it so hard to be on schedule without being nervous but being nervous never really helped me being on schedule either. At least reading some of Barthes' life showed me I'm not insane for taking a break every couple half hours and not working like a machine. I don't wanna do anything tomorrow. I don't wanna do anything any day. I've been slacking off so much this week... this month... this semester... all my life. I wish my parents had been stricter, payed attention to me, actually tought me things. Especially dad. I forgot to do that mental torture thing to him today. If things keep going like this he'll never get off his ass and their relationship will get even to the point of no return. Why am I the one that has to solve their relationship? Why can't my parents do the adult thing and solve their problems? I don't want mom to make me throw him out of the house. I'd feel used. I hate being economically dependent. At least I got to write some today. These I've been writing. It's trash but I've been writing. But can't do this and that at the same time. I have to study. I can't waste any more money. But there's only so many hours in a day. No, there's no hours. Damned society and its clocks.

>>10110623
>op pic related

White-glowing headlights dim against the snow,
fade--growing hot in my eyes as cold brushes my leg.
The frigid air slowly creeps up my spine,
sliding it's icy tendrils for the back of my mind.
Snow blankets furs long abandoned by birds;
snowbanks bury firm-planted trunks.

I am alone with death; his reign--all among us.

>>10110748
Sure see how far down you can go. You will lose your reputation but thats bullshit anyways. You'll lose opportunities but that's part of the sacrifice, maybe those opportunities lead towards vain paths. I mean, the whole point of this investigation is to lose everything to the point that what is important begins to shine brightly and enter into your field of awareness as an impenetrable truth, sort of like a dark aceticism, right? How interesting. That is, if there exists anything whose being is somehow graced with 'importance.' Maybe by feeling the weight of those chains and the taunting of the multitude of daemons you'll come to appreciate liberty and life, maybe.

Although friend, thinking about this ive realised there are a few things that you don't come back from. Stresses to your life which you can't undo. having unwanted children, and injuring your body. So don't fry that brain of yours. Have fun! Say hello to death for me if you see him! Bon voyage

>>10112971
every time I read you, quoted anon, I feel we are the same
my head gets clouded with tiredness, restlessness
I can't hate anyone except my dad, but I doubt hate is what I feel
I get so frustrated, he always gets on my nerves so much it makes me want to cry
it's probably low self-steem, this sorrow I feel out of frustration
I just want to rest infinitely, give free rein to time
then I remember it doesn't make any difference; my misery is the same whether I dissociate or focus on reality
then I remember my misery is isn't isn't is; bliss, nirvana

I'll write it out here,because I did not last night. I was thinking that no matter what I do with my life still am a witness to the times. I was here in 2017. I guess I'm looking for a reason to keep on going. I keep falling back into my old ways, My Grandma told me that the fact that I never change is one of the reasons that I piss her off. I've thought about it and I feel like I'm afraid of change, I'm afraid of being judged, despite the fact that it happens all the time without me knowing.now I am thinking back to why I am afraid of being judged. I don't really know. A won't text me back. He says he is busy with midterms but sometimes I get paranoid that maybe he doesn't like me anymore. who would like someone who gets depressed over stupid shit, and may lash out, I wouldn't. It's probably a reason I hate myself.My life is this miserable cycle of being happy, fucking up something, being depressed,and getting over it just to start over again.Regin seems to understand that , but I fear I will push all the people close to me away .it is likely..Fear seems like the most dominate emotion in my had lately. fear of other, fear of myself, fear of failure.I started this hoping just to fill the box to a certain point, but I've surpassed that now. oh well here is a wall of text

>>10110623
Started the STEM meme and failed the first physics test. I just can't bring myself to study properly. Meanwhile I got 100% on a critical essay because it was actually enjoyable. What the fuck do I do. Everyone says English degrees are a waste of money, and I even I make fun of Humanities majors. Is there a job market for writing? The thought of me holding a professional engineering position sounds absurd and yet I've spent about a thousand dollars on the classes.

>>10113090
don't do STEM if you can't do the math, you will HATE your life and not even get a good job. STEM is still pretty fucking competitive man.

>>10113090
Wow, I'm literally you. Just got home from bombing a calc 3 test. Problem is, humanities students are too terrible to justify a major. I feel like running away or jumping off a bridge

Smoke coloured sky
Hazel nuts falling
With rising mists, hope dies

>>10113040
It's strange isn't it? How you meet that one person over and over again here. That person that is really you. It's a weird thing.

(But, I've always loved this heaviness. It's not like I disliked the lighter stuff. I just didn't react to it. See see, that's the thing -- over here Shariputra, there's no thing that isn't energy. That which we scoff as nothing is really, what is opposed to us. Repulsion. I've loved the repulsive. The muddied, the dirtied, the deformed, the decayed, the sickly. Just by that I was against society. And I deleted that manifesto detailing this. It was too French. Too happy to be in pain. "The cannibalisation of man by man", that's what I say -- hey, but don't I hate Hobbes!)

Metaxu: But Weil is wrong. As is Anno. Wall builders -- one day they'll meet the wall breakers. Us wall climbers, we only place faith in that one day it'll end. Evola was also misshooting. It's not about getting up there in the mountain and looking down. Because when you look at this perspective from above it's a straight line. So maybe we put walls on walls to forget we're going up, to forget the gravity and say, "life would be bliss without this!"

And Nietzsche too is wrong. You have attained my skin, my flesh, my bones, and then when Huike said nothing it was his marrow. It wasn't that the marrow could exist without the rest. That is silly. He precisely got under the last hardness. Out of this great silence everything grows. It grows because it is allowed to grow. Not out of an absence of God, like Weil says; not because I'm turning away from the tragic reality of the misunderstood, as Nietzsche says. It's okay that things can coexist. They couldn't not coexist. The couldn't honestly be in conflict. There's no need to justify it. And how could you. Are you going to go to the suffering and say it's for their good? What is wrong with you. Go away with your perfect God. Simone, if you had wanted to experience the suffering of war, you would have stuck a knife in your hand. Don't say it wouldn't be the same. You're not above it. Don't go pretend you're an exploited worker -- oh don't! Do not. You're playing the victim. If they were like you, and could just decide to understand others, they wouldn't be where they are; so don't pretend you understand when you have all this authority and security. There's no excuse to it. No embrace of Jesus could suffice. And he would not justify it. Him being there is enough. "It is easy to love the beautiful, the difficult is to love the ugly." A LARPer getting hurt in his stupidity knows more about war than any reading of the Iliad could give you. Oh, but it is the Large Book, the Big Book! You charitable ones, you only know to talk about the big book. You could not peek unto the tiring universes that are in one hair of a Buddha then say "well, it really isn't unlike that cockroach there".

>tfw you will never punch john green in his stupid smug face

>>10110623
It's all absurd. Every note of each moment, the tip of every minute; all falling, spiraling absurdity. I used to write for you, to you, in the hope of you: now I write out of rote habit. I can't even pick a voice. I knew who I was, in the losing of you. It was more defintion than I had before. Now what? I'm going to graduate college this semester, useless degrees, no friends, no connections. I've been uplifted so I can manage a Wendy's. I can't suffer it: I won't. All I want is to write, but I have no voice, and I don't have you. God; what to do?

>>10113135
So, I reject all magic. Anything that tries to turn the near and the far into one is perverted. That's what I have understood.

Y'know I'm almost done with my book. In my head, that is. Now comes the fun part of writing. But I have her and him perfectly delined. I could describe even their elbows. Whole dissertations on the aesthetics of it, gone. I could write a whole book on how much this thing has changed. The scary part is that I remember it all. But no one will ever know this. This must be what Cormac McCarthy feels like.

>>10110623
The itching grows worse. For many years the walls itched, only the walls. As time went by and I neglected the itch, it only grew deeper. Now I push and pull and scratch and tear at the walls but the itch expands and intensifies and digs and digs and digs. I must go deeper, into the black depths of the anus, from where the itch taunts me and drains me of my will to continue.

>>10113143
dreamed men who dream men

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Circular_Ruins
Julio Cortázar - Axolotl

Yes, it was a good idea to make her dark skinned. Her and her too.

>>10113234
Good old Justice League.

My friend from uni made me buy Cortázar's Bestiario. Hopefully I'll like it better than I liked Rayuela.

Well, I'm turning off the PC and go relax and make coffee. I'll prolly fall asleep mid session or get frustrated but hey -- now or never.

See you around friend. And thanks.

Before I have dreamt I'm fist-fighting one of the few people I truly hate in real life. I am not a violent person but in this moment I want to just fucking kill them where they stand. But when I punch their face, the blows don't land. It's as if my fist is going in slow motion and not properly connecting. I can't do anything to hurt them; I'm basically just watching my fists tap their face. Dreams are the royal road to the unconscious, Freud? Cool bro. Then I guess I'm a gigantic pussy (it's not a guess. I mean, I can't even do what I want in my own dreams).

I'm becoming convinced a certain pressure has been building up inside of me for years now. A yoctogram a day (or whatever small order of magnitude I just Googled). I do believe seeing a therapist would help me in some small way, any small way, but I will never go. That isn't a deliberate refusal like when an alcoholic says "I can stop drinking whenever I want" - it's something inside of me. I just know for a fact I will never step into a stranger's office and tell them about my dread, my lack of discipline, the brain aneurism that killed my best friend, which was years ago but something that I think of daily, my ex which, again, was (two) years ago and something I also think of daily (hourly). How we were just lying in bed and I did the bravest thing of my life by saying "I love you" and all I got back was a rushed kiss and the response "Wow that's a lot to say."

Like I said, I'm a gigantic pussy. Thanks for reading my shitty blog.

>>10113138
Why not? Don't be afraid to follow your dreams, anon.

>>10111439
He's probably talking about the big five trait.

Beholden to;
How uncordial is that tether
That suspends this form
Over Lowest Cocytus

>>10110657
why not create world peace, solve world hunger, improve world happiness?

>>10110783
I dunno man, but don't be ashamed of being happy.

>>10111436
iktf

>>10111698
you don't know how much you're worth, anon

>>10111712
Little did you know it's traditional for the protagonist to reject the call to adventure the first few times.

>>10112857
>There is no "reality" neither a "non-reality".
Now anon, you know that just ain't so.

>>10112859
those concepts are present in every hero's journey, you arrogant NIIIIIIG!

>>10112872
Goodluck, anon.

>>10112971
what do you have against Jesus that you act like this?

>>10113032
don't talk about things you know nothing about, you sound like a fucking anime character

>>10113040
your suffering is real, your hatred is real, you're just out of touch with your emotions. stop being such a chinky faggot and do something about it. fucking ACT. read hamlet a few times if you need this message delivered in a more compelling way

>>10113152
shut up

>>10113531
slow motion in dreams represents unconscious resistance... what the fuck dude that second paragraph just suddenly pulled me in. well done man. And I'm sorry. And I'm sorry for putting aesthetic concerns before ethical ones. Everything will be all right in the end.

>>10111712
can relate

>>10111712
>>10113760
The thing is, you guys think that apathy, that inertia, is somehow new and different, a postmodern twist on a naive ancient story. But it's always been that way. The hero never listens the first time, he's always stuck, dull, indolent, stupid (for that's all there is, that's the only reason he would refuse to listen)--all that that means is that the story has higher stakes, that its author is more audacious, that you're going to see higher flights of fancy than you've ever seen before.

The spirit, the original author, is juking you man. You have the psychic equivalent of broken ankles right now. Your time with the ball's gonna come. Just don't waste any time or effort either worrying about an inevitable process or locking in your depression with dumb rationalizations that prevent you from taking action.

>>10113759
>why not create world peace, solve world hunger, improve world happiness?
Because "magick" is the ultimate worship of the self.

>>10110904
Hot damn, so many magicians in this thread. Or, should I say magickians? *tips key*

Why do I work tirelessly to prevent the inevitable? It is much like Sysuphus, in a way—although the rock symbolizes a more complex aspect of my struggle.
Should I have let my father die that night, when he made peace with God and accepted his life's end? For what purpose did I recall him to life, my father, who has fallen from the man whom he will never know again? If he is never to redeem himself, have I, acting in supposed benevolence, prolonged his suffering? I see a gaoler in the mirror, my love a key that confined him in his cell.

>>10112912
you don't make much sense but it's poetic, anon
don't lose your self in lsd tho

I'm a hypocrite. My sex drive is so low that I don't even think that Emma Stone is pretty. Now I don't want anyone to comment saying that she's never pretty. Why she's just as cute as a button and she would, in other ages, awaken the animal in me as rapidly as if someone had dragged a metal cup clanklingly against the bars of his cage. But now, goddam it, he's out. Not even a trace in the straw on the floor that he ever existed, sniff it as much as you will.

Yessir, I'm all outta sex drive. I walk around and look at women, all sorts of women, and I don't feel the slightest thing. For months I was praying for this freedom without ever really considering what it'd be like if it ever came to me. Be careful what you wish for! I scroll through reddit and when I see a porn thread the most I can muster is some kind of disinterested aesthetic appreciation. I find myself answering their rhetorical sex questions, commenting on their indelicacy and un-lady-like behavior. I feel I'm so, so cut off from the opposite sex. But beyond isolation, I just don't feel a damn thing. I feel like the whole circuit is shut off.

I wouldn't be surprised if the US government was fucking with me. They've done as much before. Not to me, but to other US citizens. Why stop now? Maybe libido is at the heart of a bouquet of social ills.

Now I can go most days and even some weeks without worrying, but this lack of sex drive thing is starting to bother me the more I talk to myself about it. Was it because I took too much adderall a few months ago? Did it really permanently fuck up my system in the way I've heard SSRIs can? Honestly, this is not even to myself, to anyone reading this, if you're about to start on an SSRI, fucking don't! There're countless sites online full of people complaining about a sex drive that vanished and never recovered as soon as they took their first pill. Fucked up, man. I don't know why a stimulant, or even a cocktail of stimulants that raised my heart rate to a creepy, yellow-zone level for a few minutes should've burned out my endocrine system. Am I a man, or what? Maybe this is just that thing that happens to me when I'm in school, when my libido goes way down for a while so I can study.

I guess this must strike everybody as so morbid, so overly self-interested and disgusting. Well you ain't heard nothin yet. I went through the whole discord and I was so pleased with myself that not a single story was lacking some big grammar or spelling errors in the first paragraph, at least (many were the first sentence). I felt such a satanic sense of pride in myself. Then I read my own stories and felt oh so superior. Oh diary, pity me, won't you? Every time I try to get back with my muse I end up getting distracted and think what a clever man I must have been to lock down such a lady like her (which is a totally unprofessional thing to think, and moreover, insofar as we even are together, it's because she was assigned to me and not the other way around, it's

>>10113090
>>10113106
learn a trade, faggots

>>10113808
so stupid and arrogant to think otherwise!)

And the worst is that thinking that always leads to the end of it. It's like humility, feeling proud that you're so humble is the ultimate sin, the final obstacle to scrambled over and the most paradoxical and mind-bending. All I know is what I've told myself a hundred times or more.

Goddamn it now these posts are gonna be lopsided, anyone who reads on is just gonna feel disappointed like in MGSV when chapter 2 was way shorter than the first one.

To say sorry for my evil acts and thoughts and words, I'd like to say sorry. I'm sorry. I apologize.

Holy mackerel, it's 3 AM! I really gotta go to bed. Goodnight everyone.

>>10113140
>>>/trv/

>>10113531
thank you for reminding me it's time for a drink

>>10112912
>firewood and ashes
They're supposed to represent your colorful psyche fading into drug-induced insanity which you perceive as enlightenment.

>>10113831
this desu
write about it

I was too stressed to get an erection so I took half a cialis and it just made me sleep for 11 hours

I'm with a stressfull fatigue. I'm going to watch Mother or Blade Runner tomorrow, dunno.

It's hard to admit that I can't control my drinking, that having a sniff of the stuff would just make me crave more and more, when society expects I should be able to enjoy one or two. Simple induction really: I have more than enough examples throughout the years. Can't remember the last time I drank with positive (or neutral) consequences. I blame myself for poor discipline when I could just admit (or fool myself to believe) that it's a chemical reaction bound to happen - not my fault as such - the only fault would be having the first drink, as being of sound mind, I can predict that the results would be dreadful. I avoid the discussion whether it's a disease or not altogether. I don't bloody know. Like I don't know what the nature of transsexuality is. It probably matters but I'm oblivious and can't regard others as much wiser. For some it's the cause, for others the symptom. As with my mental issues and the drink - which came first? But what is dipsomanic addiction? I can manage months sober and physical withdrawal is a matter of days, weeks, top. I've overcome benzo withdrawal and known enough opiate addicts so I see a difference. If I couldn't stop daily drinking, I'd check into rehab, but like I said there's no withdrawal so what can I be rehabitated from - repeated self-destructive behavioral patterns? Sounds like loads and loads of fun.

>>10113759

> why not create world peace, solve world hunger, improve world happiness?

I'm trying desu. I don't appear to have sufficient will for it.

I had this dream that Arnold Schwarzenegger was banging his maid in my grandma's bed. He kept repeating bits of his explanation of "the pump", where he said it feels like coming. He got exponentially more incoherent as he approached orgasm and began sounding like a broken record, he kept repeating "coming" and "i'm coming day and night" and at one point it started to sound contrapuntal. When he came his face got red and his eyes started bulging out of his head like in Total Recall and his semen burst out the maid's mouth and eyes as he kept grunting "COMING" over and over in the stereotypical AHNULD voice.

>>10113759
you seem like a real nice type of guy

>>10113805
The concepts I talk about are heavily influenced by buddhist thought, so it won't make much sense if you are not familiar with it. I put in parenthesis the Buddhist terms for the things I said.
>>10113831
>>10113870
I'd rather think they represent the constant duality of [any thesis with its antithesis] and the inevitability of the passing away of stress (dukkha) that builds up on empty reality (dhammas, sunyata)

I feel I need to make clear that this was not an hallucination. I was actually in a house at the mountains with a group of friends, and we really made a fireplace; then there appeared a stray dog and we went to sleep in an overcrowded room. Only my mind reflected on these three situations that happened with the thoughts I shared with you.
I wouldn't call it insanity.

>>10113090
>>10113106
Do an English/Economics double major. English for your enjoyment and Economics to get a job. It's not a terribly hard major, but still has a healthy dosage of math and is somewhat interesting. Then when you have a real job focus on writing on the side and pursue that career a few years down the road when you have actual money and have written an adequate amount.

This comes from an Economics/Math major whose GPA was crushed by my math classes. I lament not pursuing English.

>>10113782
That’s not magic, man, that’s narcissism

I love being a girl

got called a leech by a mod on a writing critique thread after I put in solid effort on a critique.

Replied with:
Listen buddy don't call me a motherfucking Leach write my first attempt at critiquing was the one with your fellow might respond to me to okay no effort by your standards that's fine alright I am I actually did try but I was comparing my attempt with the other I am politics on that page and so that is maybe also why it was a bit in adequate however however the second post which is perfectly fine alright I put effort into that more than a fucking our mate morning a fucking our right I'm to Donna to my studies to write it right second time round I would like some fucking comment on my shit alright just because I like the fucking night I lock the shutter lock the shed am and you're only give a fuck mate I'm posting this and it's fucking speech to text mate don't call me a leach.


Looking for some validation. He was snarky guys, real snarky.

To be is to exist

Therefore that which exists exists.

Then God existed and was inside Himself.

Slutmounds Sloppycakes Slotminds The Blitz

Anime will never be real.
On a more serious note, I contemplating about how to go about writing a character I created with 1d4chan's creation tables.

I'm gonna kill it
Gonna break it's face
Gonna chop his head off
Gonna shit down his neck
I'm gonna laugh like a motherfucker
Gonna laugh like a mother fucker

the future can't be what's in the future

[heavily exaggerated italian accent] AN EVENING-A IN DE AMERICAS!

>>10116651
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v5VXqHARqFA

>>10113759
>that second paragraph just suddenly pulled me in
Thanks anon. And yeah, I think I'll be fine. How you doing?

>>10113828
sorry anon :(

It might sound trite, but I think I need to take a blind jump and believe in my self, even if it is irrational. I really am just tired of hating myself. I repeat the cycle of barely getting by

I came across a Ligotti interview where he describes his 20s as miserable, characterised by stomach problems and mental illness, and it bothered me because I'm the same way. His life made him pessimistic, but that scares me. I want to cling to the good things, even if they're only fading memories. By giving into those thoughts - living in them - they consume you, and all the good things vanish. You can justify your unhappiness with stuff like "All pleasures are temporary", but you know what? When you're happy, you don't care. Not about meaning. Not about impermanence. It's lovely.

Today sucked, and I nearly passed out in the shower, but I'm still here. I have hope. That's all.

I ghosted several close friends last month, while suffering from poor MH. I don't like telling people about my problems, so I don't know how to talk to them again.

We can not take her with us Maurice!!!

>>10118737
I've ghosted literally all my friends over the past couple of years and I don't quite understand why I'm self-sabotaging

I destroyed every single thing I had and I was in a place between consciousness and the void. I was nothing but pain and hatred, and shame, and I had no control over my life. I lost my identity. I had a thousand addictions. i was tortured by real demons. I know everyone has it hard but I bet most people havent been where I've been. I hit rock bottom and prayed for the first time in probably a decade or more, had a great dream. Feel better. God loves me

>>10117463
Having a sense of impermanence actually makes happy moments more common, not less. By understanding how totally unique every waking moment of your life is, and how the moment we live in will come to pass, you start to entertain the idea of letting go of it and accepting what it is rather than trying to live forever. And eventually you can be honest about nostalgia and simply remember the past good times, rather than cling to them.

Notice how no one who rambles about loving the horror of the body and the misery of life ever starts rolling their own boulders up their own hills. Not even innocuous stuff like eating soup with a fork. The skolexologia surrounding the question of what it is about suffering that makes its worshipers worship it vanishes when considering their behavior and reveals exactly what it is - nothing.

>>10115181
magic isn't real, yo

>>10117463
>tfw you realize the better the refraction is the stronger its binding is and the able-bodied could recur indefinitely into oblivion

>tfw thread deleted when we just got on to grammar in kafka
;_;
>>10119411
>I can't blame you too much for misunderstanding the grammar of this sentence, since it is a bit complex. Karl slaps THE HANDS OF his interlocutor down, and that's why "ihm" (referring to the person to whom the hands belong) is used in this situation.
find me a translator in English who says "knocked his hands" not "knocked him [Robinson] down" and I'll believe you. Yeah he is freaking out about hospital, but ihm is Robinson, not Robinson's hands. It's Karl's hands knocking Robinson down.

Pls find this anon, translation that goes the other way required.

>>10110623

Everybody that pretends to like me secretly hates me and my autism. I'm a unpredictable piece of shit and I can't help it. I would probably be better off with a shotgun in my mouth.

>>10119458
Did I post this?

Im a loser with a fat gf. I like genre pulp and have no interest in lit wank you fags like or pretend to like. Also im fit.

>>10119480
good for you. I was a fat dude with a fit gf

Rate my desktop, /lit/

>>10119998
5/10

Using a clunky apparatus like a vending machine or ATM feels like a more futuristic experience than using a modern laptop or smartphone

>>10121465
Tell me what you dislike about it. I know the spikes, for instance, ruin the aesthetic, but it's the CPU usage and looks somewhat better in movement

>>10119998
3/10

>>10121681
What does a 10/10 desktop look like to you, out of curiosity?

>>10121685
clean

the only thing you did right was zero icons imo,
but as stated above its my subjective opinion, if you like it keep it do not bother with what strangers on a mongolian throat singing board says

>>10121693
I do like it. I'm not looking for validation, just curious. So you like a minimalistic background?

>>10121695
Yes 1 clean wallpaper, 0 icons, and a dock that only comes up when the mouse glides above it at the bottom of the desktop
Remember this is only my personal taste thought

>>10121710
I usually have pretty clean wallpapers too, I just recently tried the tiled "actual wallpaper" look with a few images and I'm really digging it.
The dots in the middle are my "dock", btw. There are a bunch of things on my desktop that are only obvious in usage. I just figured out how to make it appear on mouse-over, thanks for the idea.

God. Living in the Stone Age never felt so good.

I've seen a few people on here mention meditation, I like you cLits so i'll let you in on a little secret:

If you think you're meditating,
you're not meditating.

Bon Appetit.

>>10121747
holy...I want more

>>10121747
>If you think you're meditating,
>you're not meditating
[citation needed]

I wish I could turn back time. I want to be a teenager again. More precisely, I want to be revert to the state I was in as a teenager. Now I just feel numb. I wish I had meaning again, actual passion, instead of melancholy for lives I never lived and resentment against existence. I feel suicidal yet I dont want to die. If I could just erase myself, if I could have the option to never have lived, then sure. Would be fucking stupid not to do it. I cant kill myself though. My empathy for friends and family stops me. Also this shitty survival instinct. So I guess Ill just soldier on. I tried to seek refuge in the mystical in the past but now I realize that that was a grave mistake. Whats truly of import are the relationships we keep. Reaching out to the other, thats truly beautiful. But I fear that I can never genuinenly feel this again. Who cares about knowledge? Emotion, thats were its at. Yet I realize this far too late. I feel like a ghost, just spectating my own life from the sidelines. I hate it man. Im probably being overdramatic. Im just bored I guess. I have a midlife crisis at age 20, pretty pathetic. I think Im just nostalgic for school. Never thought that would happen. Wild world in which we have to live. Uni starts tommorow so lets see what happens. Maybe I can actually enjoy it before I put an end to my misery.

I dont know if i have to say to my ex (coming to see me tomorrow, we in love and i miss her) that i fuckd the only girl in the world that she wouldnt accept. Last time she said to her friends that I abused her because i was planning moving with this girl for studing. This time maybe i wont see her again. We didnt did anything wrong but this girl wont take it well. I cant keep our relationship with this lie. Advice?

>>10122514
One of the biggest mistakes of occidental thought is the belief that we are rational, that the rational is superior to everything else, that we can explain everything through rational thought. Cogito ergo sum is bullshit.
You sought refuge in the mystical because you knew the rational isn't enough.
This society, these humans fill their mouths with stoic rationalism, yet they are passional; equally or more passional than people who don't take science as the ultimate truth.
This is why you also learned that interaction is what's truly important. The process is almost always more important than the results of it.
Uni will give you something to hold on to if you can focus on it. Studying is fun and makes you forget about your problems momentarily. It will create new problems that can be worse than the ones you are having right now though. Frustration, not being able to fulfill the goals you put to yourself. Watching everyone moving on except you, feeling left behind.
My only advice is this: focus. Concentration and mindfulness are key to people like us.

>>10122594
forgot music rec
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DqdW3YLWeSY

>>10122594
>>10122602
Thanks man, I appreciate it. I think this is why I still visit this website. From time to time you truly meet a kindred soul even if its just for an instant. As cliche as this statement might seem, doesnt that make it even sweeter in some way? Best of luck on your journey, friend.

I tried to warn you. I tried to help you. Why didn't you listen. Why did you destroy me.

>>10122662
Honestly, I did it for the luls

I wish I was born to different parents. I wish I had a role model growing up. Every minute I spend around my parents, it depresses me. My mom still eats a shit diet, she's obese in her 50's, has digestive problems, but does nothing to change it. My father's a pill addict who hasn't had a job since the early 2000's. Even if I try and tell them what's wrong, they may acknowledge it, but they never fucking change. It's infuriating, and it would be heartbreaking too if I had any sentiment left for them. But I can't. They ruined the first twenty years of my life, and I'll have nothing to do with them for the remainder. Call it harsh, but they've given up, and I won't be dragged down with them.

>get told neuromancer is pleb-tier pulpy trash
>decide to read it anyway because cyberpunk is comfy
>have to stop every few seconds to re-read the sentence because the jargon keeps confusing me
>an hour of reading and I've barely gotten anywhere
am I retarded

>>10110623
this cereal tastes good but its probably bad for me. still worth it tho

>>10121747
>If you think you're not meditating,
>you're meditating.
fix'd

yesterday I had sex for the first time


I was always curious about it and I thought I would be sad and stuff but I guess not [Spoiler]I enjoyed it, loved it and I don't feel guilt[/Spoiler]

>>10110623

I want to go on an adventure. But what is an adventure, exactly?

>>10124884
oh well not spoilers :( fuck

They wanted to go out to eat, but I had to study. So they went without me.

God is statistical probability

I briefly talked with a girl that I found attractive a week ago, then I saw her again the other day.

I should have talked to her that day, she walked right in front of me. I didn't realize my enormous error until after the fact. I always grasp every opportunity that is presented to me, but with women I let all of them slip through my fingers. Idiot.

>>10124950
they look like traps

>>10124992
That's what greek dudes always looked like. The women looked like walking anime characters.

Are the people on /his/ actually as stupid as they seem, or are they merely pretending?

>>10110623
My anus was on fire, flaming. Chunk after chunk came spurting as the toilet bowl screamed with roiling furry. I tried to remain silent after I heard chatter outside the door, but I groaned at last, panting for breath. Hot, putrid air kicked the back of my throat, but I closed my mouth just in time to catch the vomit. Still, it came in a river of mud, and I dared to look down into the beef stew under my shriveling nutsack and saw it was high tide.

I panicked as the water rose and my muscles weakened. The hairs on my balls soaked in the flood. I tried to stop the flow, I struggled against the tide, but I wasn't strong enough. My sphincter gave out.

"Lord, take me now!" I whispered.

The laughter outside the stall became quick and concerned murmurs. It was too late. This stew had nuts in it.

Escape was my only option: This was no ordinary bowel movement. If I came out, pants around my legs and an endless stream of brown water filling my shoes, surely someone would help me. Help me.

I pushed off the seat, but my legs felt the sting of needles. I collapsed on the floor, my head slamming against the floor, the fountain stronger than ever. I wept as the onlookers panicked, telling someone to go get help - "I don't know! ANYONE!"

"Thank you," I cried into the warm puddle of tears and poo welling under my face, "Thank you for caring about me."

I felt cold.

I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror.

I've wanted to be an Army Ranger my entire life, and every day I get closer to that goal. Ranger assessment is going to be brutal, and once I'm in Ranger Battalion, life is going to be even harder, but it's the only thing I feel will fill the void.

right now there's mostly depression. i tried to kick it out writing smth but nothing comes out, which only makes me go even lower. but whatevs, it's not like i'm finding resolution here

>>10125126
Write for me, Mr Anon, a very, very short story about a man whose dog was struck by lightning.

I gently rolled her on her side, so she was lying belly towards me. I propped myself up over her, lying belly to belly with her back against the underwater sand. She smelt of fish and salt, but I didn't care.

Aye, I can tell you a think or two about mermaid pussy. It is quite an amazing sensation. Hot, tight and slippery. Mermaids have extremely good control of their vaginal muscles and they try to grip your dick for all shes worth.

It was in the summer of 359 CL, we were on an expeditionary voyage to the rumoured 'spice islands', some months travel off the western coast of the Freelands.

Timmoth, the boatswain, spotted a single tropical island against bright blue waters. We had been at sea for four months and so wanted to give our legs a stretch. A landing party was formed, and when they returned two days later they told tales of tiny blue crab creatures that emerged at night. Indeed, their legs and arms were covered in crab claw cuts. They had killed hundreds, stamping on them, burning them, bayoneting them, shooting them...

Capt'n ordered us to set sail, to continue our journey to find the Spice Islands. Morale was low at this point, we had enough supplies for another month of westward journeying, until we would have to turn around and make a return trip towards the Freelands.

On the dawn of our departure, we saw Mermaids on the coast of the island we had left only a few minutes prior. Mermaids!

We were all young men, many unmarried, and they thought of anything that resembled a women spurred excitement inside our hearts... and our lowerparts. We dived into the water and swam to the shore. Knee-deep in water, I grabbed one beauty and requisitioned her body.

Mermaids live under water. I do not have a vagina, but I am assuming that getting saltwater up in there is probably not a pleasant experience. To avoid this, a mermaid has several lips on the inside to help keep the saltwater out. When mermaids fuck, these lips pull the penis in to give her a better chance of being impregnated, and for the penis, it will feel like the vagina is sucking your penis in.

Their climax is coupled with stiffening, shuddering, sometimesa lot of thrusting, clenching of the vaginal muscles, and sometimes vocalisation.

They are more than welcoming of humans, as no mermaid males exist, they rely on sailors and coastdwellers to impregnate them.

So I fucked my first mermaid in the shallows, with my shipmates doing the same to mermaids of their own.

There was a fair bit of wriggling and shifting to get comfortable. Once ready, she intiated a series of muscular vaginal contractions that rubbed the entire length of my member. She thrusted rhythmically against me, I didn't even last a minute. Just prior to my ejaculation, she sped up the speed of her contractions and thrusts. She consciously timed her orgasm to mine.

cont?

>>10110623
I know what I want to do with my life. I know how to do it. I have the skills to go far with it. I need resources before I can be at the place my skills are useful.

But fuck me if I'm going to sacrifice the next 10-20 years accumulating paltry sums of survival funds in some hack job so I can do the shit I actually give a fuck about.

>Then again, I don't want to go back to the streets. I don't care about discomfort, but that kind of shitty/angsty desperation isn't going to help me get where I want to be, either. Can't be productive or help people while wallowing down there.

The only thing I can think of at this point is diving deeper into Magick and using that somehow to acquire resources.

>>10125064
I came.

>wtf though, double-take on the thumbnail, thought it was a vagina

What kind of monster clips a bird's wings?

Everything I've ever known is a lie.

My entire worldview is reorienting itself around a monumental change is my understanding of my childhood.

I bought into the lie.
The trap.
The code.

It started too young to know better.
I never realized the obvious truth.
Oblivious.

Fuck turkeys.

>>10110623
My rides back "home" on the rare breaks I had were a few hours of peace and quiet I cherished. For the most I hate my mind and my personality, and we'd inevitably bring up the painful reality of our completely miserable existence. But outside of the infrequent pangs of 'stop-thinking-about-this-shit', the slightly-too-loud engine and the shitty radio let me drown everything else out and just zone out for a few hours. But then I was asked for a ride in front of everyone at school and now its all over.

No more solitude. Let's navigate through hours of conversation just because. "Hey, is it cool if I get a ride with you whenever you head back?". There's nothing wrong with them. Am I bastard for wanting the isolation?

Stop.
Sense.
Feel.
Think.

Try to understand the world around you.

Try to understand yourself and others.

It doesn't matter what you do with your life, so long as you are doing it consciously and conscientiously.

Love the cosmos.

>>10110623
The rain will turn to snow tomorrow.

I'm going to ask you to coffee,
We've already lived a life in my mind.
You'll say no, maybe;
Or yes, and we'll go,
Talking about our favorite books,
And I'll fall further into naivete,
I can quote Tennyson,
With a hungry heart,
A pedant's bribe,
And then you'll tell me
You're with someome else,
Awkwardly
By the end.

I've been down this road,
Again and again,
Seen fallen leaves blanketed
By the inertial reversal of rain.
I don't fear slipping.
I fear that spring will never come.
I fear that winter will end.
The only thing left unchanged
Is that I'll be alone,
And still,
Fallen then frozen.

My biggest and most potent fetish revolves around women eating themselves to death.

>>10110623
I want to be out west again, adrift on the mesas forever this time.
I miss the emptiness, the wisdom, the clarity and stillness found in in massive silent things.

Do you see this picture? I made this, that's me, that's the man I once was, the man I know I can be again.

Comparisons between east and west. Giant robots. Monsters. Small details that make all the difference. Malcolm X, Borges, to be uprooted. Phoebus or Bacchus. Tranquility or terror. I never choose to turn away--turning away is something I only do in the middle of torpor. It is a strange thing to think about, but it's so familiar. I still can't just sleep however. I wonder why. Even when I'm tired it's hard for me to sleep.

What the judges have called decay might not be decay at all. When a rose blooms, it becomes more chaotic, more dense, not less. I think that's the real question. Is the truth complex or clean cut? I've felt it was either at different times. On the one hand, I really dislike the art deco-like styles: two much separation between light and dark; too simple, too secure, too toyish. On the other, uplifting emotions should be allowed to be free as grounding ones are. I wonder (I've wondered) why artists, writers specially, are so depressing. Why is happiness so hard to make true? Why are words so hard to believe? Perhaps because they belong to everyone. The masses. The hate for the masses. Those people I don't know, but can reach me, can speak to me. Neither foreigners nor family. Cannot be kin, cannot be guests. Must I answer them? Who doesn't long for a time when they could've known every person on earth?

Yet. That is a mistake? Brought on about by human categorization. When humanity become transcendent, then it becomes the problem. Before the world was only what we saw, the rocks and trees were as much our world as the tribe. But now... The strong wish to return to this state in their gardens. The weak dream of a world that is only human. Both are flawed. And, of course, this is all retroactive. I nonetheless refuse to make a choice. Perhaps a great virtue is displayed in not speaking that word which is at the tip of the tongue. To say things "simply". It is to throw oneself against the current. And yet it's more than compassion for the other. In a way, it's a form of pride. Insults and jokes are alike in that they wear off, and are dismantled by being explained--perhaps Benjamin was correct in that explaination is a form of immediacy. Can I do away with myth? I wish to. But it's not easy. Can it even be done? If I've really understood, silence is the base of everything. Then... to leave the base. Can that be done? To leave what is always going on. I wish to be completely new. This isn't because I hate those that came before. But the desire to be only myself still persist. I see the benefits in the ways of old. It's not like I think I can so simply do away with them. But I must be myself. Otherwise, what am I? If I'm not something beside others, how come I am at all? Gestalt, hmm? Yes. Perhaps fabrication is not to be taken pessimistically. That I can be destroyed, die, be torn apart, those are not faults. Rather... they can be the proof that I something more! That I am, indeed, a whole!

You're so easy to talk to, love. Can I keep you?

I am a melancholy song
That blares under the foot of an
Otherworldly
Force of joy
And blasts out a burning blanket of -
I still write in silence

the amount of somatic and psychiatric ailments I have is making me doubt whether I want to live much older, particularly when combined with my poverty

>>10125821
nice

I don't like homosexuals very much

Do not fully understand, one named Kirk, but the holy words will be obeyed. I swear it!

>>10126297
Actually, you're deeply afraid of them. It's a pathology. Pathology is sin. Repent!

>>10110623
Good good study day day up
-Mao Zedong

This quote is on my mind

>>10125205
>>10125205
>>10125205
>>10125205

>literal mermaid erotica
>nobody is replying

>>10126407
> being afraid of tapeworms and other parasites is a sin
Interesting theory, Sherlock.

>>10110623
Firstly, OP's image is absolutely Heavenly and I can't wait for winter to get here. Secondly, this is the 5th day of being sick and I hate it. Thirdly, I want to get back to writing but my brain feels like much. Fourthly, I love being alive.

fall apart from the inside out

I hate shitting after a shower
I hate shitting at work
I hate that I can at times smell my own aura of stench and people around me gag when I'm not looking but pretend it's not there when we speak
I hate that there is no soap to clean it off
Can't tell if I find myself disgusting for not smelling better or if I find general humanity disgusting for not coming clean about it

Fuck

>>10126468
>joke
>
>your head

>>10126463
Because it's terrible, even if it's ironic, which isn't clear

Ohh, she suck me. Ohh she fuck me, but all of this blood that lies upon my hands majes me feel almost as if I'm to blame for her sudden "suicide". I mean come on, the the bitch fell on my blade consecutively regardless of where I positioned it. Maybe she couldn't bare to live with herself after dumping me. Ah, I guess the world may never know. Perhaps those who reside beyond our earthly realm know, but I've lost contact with my DMT provider. Some things were just never meant to be known I guess.

>>10110623
I remember what it was like, how I learned the nature of Beech leaves. I remember going for walks with my father, through the cold grey New England winters. 2015, 2016, yes those seemed especially grey to me, when he would drag me outside for my own good, when I was in withdrawal. My legs would not listen to me. I fell forward onto them through the sleeping forest as if I were on stilts, up the rooted paths towards the water. My thoughts were not my own. My body, burning and crumbling, no longer heard my cries.

What makes the North American Beech Tree distinct is that it comes from the tropics. Long ago these giants wandered into a foreign land, gradually northwards into the cold from warmer climes. Finding themselves in the snow so suddenly, they were forced to adapt, to survive. Unlike the maple or oak with their dark skins and ridged texture to evenly dissipate heat and prevent damage, the Beech is smooth, flat, and light. This is to radiate evenly and escape deadly frost cracks from forming in the heat of New England's low winter sun, that lazy egg yolk in the sky. Though their skin color may be different now, they have maintained their authentic face.

The Beech comes from a land where there is no winter, where leaves may live year round without a care in the world, gathering energy for years on end. Down there they always full, they are always green. No such thing exists in New England, not for these stranded giants. No, their leaves shrivel into pale white nothings.

However fragile they refuse to die, turned downwards on their stems like paper quaking in the wind they are a sore sight indeed. However feeble, the Beech leaf holds a quiet strength. It never lets go, it holds on because in the tropics, because in spring, the leaves do not let go. It refuse to die because it remembers what once was, because it knows what again will be. I remember being in withdrawal, what it means to be paper thin, to flail in the wind and hang pale above the icy ground. I remember how I learned the nature of Beech leaves , how I smiled at them as I trudged on quietly through the snow.

My sexuality has always been anathema to my intellectual and spiritual life, but my inability to make peace with it, and my physical inability to consolidate it into my being are also an indirect point of weakness for my intellectual and spiritual life. Sexuality is surprisingly at the root of many social dynamics, and it's impossible to be asexual in any way without that effecting relationships, even non-sexual ones, in massive and unfortunate ways.

I wish my parents would die already so that I could die. I need to know they won't have the last word.

I should have been a serial killer.

>>10125486
rec me authors that write about this topic

I've got a 700 word bit of exposition on page 14 (A4 pages mind you) of my novel which I'm unsure on keeping in or taking out.
On the one hand my editor thinks it's vital since he feels I haven't stopped at any point during the book to go 'right this technology works like this' to the reader.
But on the other hand it's a first person novel from the eye view of someone that grew up with this technology, they wouldn't stop and give an 'as you know' any more than you or I would when we get into a car, doubly so with it being so early in the novel and my gut tells me that exposition in my sample chapters is going to fuck me out of some literary agents somewhere along the line since some of them froth at the mouth over that sort of thing.
But on the third hand the bit I have written tells you a fair amount about the character and his attitude as well.
It really is a toss up, I'm tempted to send off 50-50 with or without it..
Seriously tempted to just go with my gut and throw it in the fuckit bucket.

>>10110623
So this is the final step, the one that will set up everything up.
i feel much better knowing there is no turning back from this

She would have been 5 today.

I want to try DMT and paint what I see.

>>10127373

*hugs*

>>10127373
Fuck, man. I'm sorry to hear. If I were drinking tonight I'd have one for you.

I wish I had money to fix my laptop and I wish she would come back

I mean I can be tolerant to others in social settings. I can understand they like different things and they have a different world view.
But on an day to day basis? 24/7? It gets really difficult. Even more when I inherited everything from him; even more when up until my teens I thought he was an example to follow; even more when I expected him to change, and I thought he changed, only to be disappointed once again by his attitudes.
I wish I could be blind, deaf and mute only towards his presence. That way I wouldn't have to cope with all of this.
I forget things easily. I'd forget about him in a week.

>>10127198
>go with my gut
Do it, anon

I wonder if she thinks about me as often as I think about her.

There are so many good movies out there, it's astounding. The more I watch, the more there are to watch. A few years ago, before I really got into cinema, I thought there wasn't much besides the blockbusters. Now there's a whole galaxy of pictures out there that I've never heard about even from people who "watch movies". Letterboxd is a pretty great website, it turns out.
I suppose this might as well apply to literature, although that rabbit hole goes so deep it's not even worth the comparison. Not to mention lit takes up way more time. I think it's pointless comparing two distinct arts in any case.
I just got the idea of writing briefly of whatever your captcha compels you to. Might be a good exercise.

i'm embarrassed the novels i write/want to write are historical swashbucklers and not serious fiction...curse my inner elitist.

my life.. yikes

fucking cringe. would not recomend

>>10123885
Yes, but Gibson's prose is somewhat jarring until you grow used to it.

>>10126947
Very nice.

I have a headache again. I really enjoy them. I'd never really thought to wonder why, apart from it giving me an easy excuse for sulkily apathetic behavior. I think I get it now. It makes me more aware of the moment. Alive, present. Mortal. It keeps me concentrated on being, seemingly giving me something I lack in everyday life. Strangely enough, it also helps me think. It appears that sleep deprivation and headaches are the things which most reliably awaken my creativity. If only I knew what to do with it.
I really love the atmosphere this image evokes.

Why are my torrents not downloading properly, it's randomly disconnecting from peers and only downloading, at intervals, for a few minutes at a time, even though there are plenty of people seeding. I should've had them hours ago, this is really annoying

>>10110623
My identity is a writer, but I'm afraid to write because if I'm bad I'll be lost.

>>10127789
Being bad at it is a guarantee. Nobody begins a master.
I think it's a good bet that you'll be more lost at the end of your life if you don't pursue what you feel is your calling. Failing is so much better than never trying. Cliche but true. You'll find some satisfaction even in the struggle.

>>10127849
I'm 27. It's too late

>>10127854
27, too late? Are we talking about ballet dancing here? With that attitude, it's always too late. Until it really is, and looking back, you realize how much time you really had. Get your shit together, you're still so young, you fucking moron.

>>10127789
couldn't you just practise and get better?

>>10127868
Love it thanks for the reasonableness anon, mucho gratifico

>>10127868
This. It's fucking pathetically ignorant for someone to say they're in their 20s or 30s and so it's "too late". The sheer amount of ornery old cunts in their 50s or 60s that WISHED they were in their late teens or 20s, they'd happily bitchslap any 27 year old that says they're too old for something, especially if it's something that takes as little physical effort as writing. I mean, come on. It's like that one fucker I heard about; "I'm getting up there in years you know. I'm 22 years old." Like he's some kind of wise old hermit who is in need of retirement. There's a word for something like that; RETARDED!

>>10127854
27 years old is too late for writing? YOU ARE RETARDED! Now fuck off and start writing or fuck off an commit suicide so that you don't tarnish the gene pool any more than you may have already! MORON! If you had any IDEA how badly you'd love to punch yourself square in the face if you were to read what you've written on this day come 40 years when you're facing 70. In all likelihood, if you're in the west, yes, you will probably still be alive in 2057, and you would think yourself an UNBELIEVABLY NAIVE AND MORONIC little bitch for uttering those 5 words when you're literally in the prime of your life. YOU RETARDED MORON!

>>10110652
No, shut up. You can still change

>>10127906
You're like my angrier counterpart, I like that. Can't disagree

>>10127906
I honestly love you mate

>>10127854
One of the better things about writing/reading is that it's relatively low effort and you don't need no keep appearances much. There's a few cases of writers who peaked young, but most of them didn't get at their best until their mid thirties or fourties, and they still did stuff afterwards. You're not going to be a rockstar so you shouldn't worry about your age that much. Focus on doing a good work instead.

a kindler, gentler form of indentured servitude. that is what the education system has become. we need to rebel against the system and stop going to college

That I know I will regret wasting my life playing video games and masturbating but I really really really want to.

>>10127903
You have to remember that motivation fades very quickly. What I said will still hold true when you no longer quite believe it. Motivation is shit; what you need is some determination. And the funny thing about determination is that it tends to come after you act, not before - unlike motivation, which is easily stifled by failure.
Just keep in mind that you're only at the beginning of all the time there is to waste. Good luck with your life, anon. You only get the one, so they say.

>>10127942
>>10127952
I've worked with enough cranky old bastards back when I was a teen and in my early 20s to know how hateful they all feel for a 27 year old claiming he's "too old." Anyways, a bit of shilling; if you like my writing then you can check out my books if you want. First a link to a free one, a novella. Keep in mind that I wrote it within about 5 days and never edited it so I've been told there's a few grammatical errors but apparently it's well written otherwise.

http://www.lulu.com/shop/j-n-morgan/another-one-please-to-dull-the-pain/ebook/product-23229284.html#productDetails

Then if you feel like actually putting down money, here's my Amazon Author page.

www.amazon.com/author/jnmorgan

Check em out or don't, up to you, glad you enjoyed my angry little tirade there but it really does piss me off when people dare to say shit like that. It shows complete and utter ignorance for their gift of youth. In truth, I myself am only 27 years old, but having dealt with so many older fellows I know good and well how happy and thankful I should be to still be young and in pretty good physical shape. I look forward to my 30s, and if I play my cards right and stay active, I could still be in good physical condition in my 50s as well. I worked with one fellow in his mid-60s and I shit you not, even at my youthful age I couldn't keep up with him. Granted I was a ball of hardcore-gamer-pudding straight out of high school, but none the less, he dressed well, he worked hard, obviously very intelligent and as eager to teach as he was to listen even though I was just a snot-nosed kid of 20 or so at the time. Hearing his stories about the 60s and 70s was awesome. Born in England, he had come to Canada for work, and was a gentleman to all. I have great respect for him and know that even in your 60s you can still very much be a young man at heart. Hell, in many ways, he was still a young man in body, and wouldn't be surprised if he lived to be 100. No word of hyperbole there; he's undoubtedly 70 years old by now and he may very well have another 30+ to go yet, he was healthy as fuck, and even at 70 he's STILL at a good age to start writing.

Fucking 'too old' at 27... if he only fucking knew how foolish he is, and how he's wasting his opportunity to fully enjoy youth. Personally, I'm not even going to entertain the idea of being an 'old man' until I hit my 50s and even then I doubt I'll consider myself one if I'm in the shape as that Englishman was in his 60s. Could still dangle his body by one hand!

>>10127991
i must feel good i must feel good i must feel good

no bad thought no bad feel no bad words

colorful pictures and distractions

>>10125126
I think Morrissey said "melancholy is inspiring, depression is debilitating." And I would have to agree.

Nice!

Yesterday, I got up at 8am but forgot to eat anything at all until shortly after 4pm. I'm afraid I might be developing disordered eating habits.

>>10128611
oats, eggs, steak and GREEN vegetables
don't eat garbage, eat high fat low carbs, drink water and you'll turn out ok

>>10128626
>GREEN vegetables
are you telling him to go easy on the carrots?

>>10128626
I've had ARFID my entire life. Eggs, green things, and steak are all excluded based on colour/taste/texture criteria, and I can't have anything containing oats on account of oats giving me horrific diarrhoea.

I may be already there and in denial.

>>10128017
unoriginal faggot

just went through a mini existential crisis

>>10127665
Thank you

>>10128641
what the fuck is AFRID, do you have some esoteric form of aesthetic autism or are you just a fussy retard?
how can oats give you diarrhea?
>>10128636
non-green vegetables are unnatural and chemically subversive

>>10128663
No such thing

>>10128717
Says who?

>>10127868
Is 27 actually too late for ballet dancing? I'm 23 and I've been wanting to do that but I don't know where to start

>>10128726
It's a contradictory statement

>>10110623
The more I learn about the world and myself, the more I recognize of the true extent to which perverse Jewish ideology has corrupted our society, and the more aware I become of presence of Jewish influences in my everyday life.

>>10110652
Nigga, work your way up to partner and rake in the (((cash))). Fuck the /lit/ lifestyle if you have money and respeck.

>>10128776
Disgusting. Leave this board

>>10119235
good understanding. people who exalt suffering are gay hypocrites--bad people!

>>10128769
Don't dwell on it, and don't blame the jews for everything. We're the ones who fell for it, and remember that. Everything, even a revolution, starts with the self.

Man, it hurts to think about the future. No matter which path my thoughts travel, each outcome looks depressing. Even if I allow myself to fantasize about dream projects like recording an album, it still feels sad. As if I'll always be missing something.

Nevermind it, though. My brain is still healing. Two weeks ago, I felt dead inside; Now, there's a little spirit. When I place my head on a pillow, it feels nice and soft, and it's almost like I could burrow inside of it forever. Jacking off no longer feels like trying to shake a piece of roadkill back to life, and orgasm is an unstoppable force instead of a dull pang. In short, that essential magic is coming back into my veins, and before long I'll be like the rest of you. So, I really should quit worrying.

It's like collecting frogs in a bucket, but no matter how long it takes I'll do it.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8_T5Yq9ou5w

>>10118955

I'm sorry guy.

It's probably not too late to restore at least some of those friendships, if that's what you want.

But maybe you really needed some space.

I'm in a committed relationship with a wonderful girl. Probably going to be married in a few years. I'm not even attracted to other women anymore.

But I have serious gay fantasies. I will almost certainly never experience a male relationship and I don't know how I feel about it.

>>10129117

You sound all over the place. I'm not going to tell you that you should leave her but I am going to politely suggest that you seriously consider it. If you're a gay man then just go be gay bro.

It's wrong to marry a girl and tie her to you for life when you spend most of your time thinking about men. You're not being fair to her and you're also not being fair to yourself and what you actually desire. No one is getting what they really want in that scenario. It's just one big tragedy.

Her.

>>10129169

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ckrj9lYtn28

I recently received a rejection for a short story collection that I submitted to an agency more than six months ago. The agency had a response time of eight weeks, and when that came and went I naturally assumed they'd passed on me.

It feels strange getting a formal rejection so long after I'd resigned myself to a de facto rejection. I'm not really disappointed, since I got over the assumed rejection ages ago. It actually makes me curious about what took so long, and makes me wonder if it means they were seriously considering me for a long while.

Im 99% sure I have some sort of borderline personality disorder and no matter how much self improvement i try to do i end up tearing it all down. I have an extremely avoidant behavior.

This is beginning to look a lot like a GIOYC thread on /adv/...

>>10110623
I like this image.

>>10113733
>he
holy fuck micro-aggression much?

>>10129359
>holy
Stop pushing your religion in me, fucking imperialist

>>10125156
"Bruno!"
he called, from the doorway.
The rain pattered its response.
"Bruno..?"
he called again, with a hint of concern.

>>10129359
>scroll down the entire thread to find my (you)
>it's some frivolous bullshit like this
DON'T reply to me again

>>10128001
this macro really disturbs me, I feel like being attacked when you're that vulnerable would just fucking destroy you infinitely

>>10129763
i dont know why i did it, sorry fellow anon

>>10129765
Never provoke a shrink. They're deeply, deeply sick people.

>>10129765
Or maybe it would (make you stronger)TM

And it just goes to show, you know, that things aren't like *hiccup* they, you know, like they first might seem, you know

They only way I'm ever sleeping with a beautiful woman is by paying her.

>>10130619
Makes me wonder if I've ever fucked a truly beautiful woman...

#1
>Fat Christian(?) chick with Jewish heritage
Maybe a 4/10 (by my own personal judgement), 6/10 on good days (she could be cute sometimes)

#2
>Thin redhead teenager (legal in my country) who was SLIGHTLY emo/goth
Easy 7/10 even at worst, slightly crooked teeth but often 8/10, 10/10 pussy

#3? (These early ones were years ago, hard to remember which came when, no pun intended)
>Fat Christian white chick
Maybe 5/10

#4?
>Relatively thin girl, pretty tomboyish, barely legal even by my country's standards
Decent 6/10 I'd say, maaaaaybe 7/10 if she went the extra mile, also she was pretty decent at sucking cock

#5?
>Chubby Christian half-Native
6/10... actually 5/10 because she had a somewhat odd probem with a patch of skin, but very sweet girl

#6
>Overweight roughly 20-year old chick of Ukrainian descent. Nice ass.
About 6/10, but her paranoia and other mental issues made her decidedly unpleasant and untrustworthy.

#7
>Chubby Native teen, at this point it's barely legal but still legal but still sketched me out. Stoner... and juggalo...
I recall about 7/10 looks, pretty youthful, though also quite weird. Questionable trust, but had the hots for me because I owned firearms and bayonets. Fucked once because she wouldn't stop giving me the sex eyes, refused further advances, I regret doing so but probably for the best.

#8
>Short/thin smoker MILF, possibly some Native heritage
Surprisingly 7/10 for looks/body, 2/10 personality

#9
>Fat mid-late 20s teacher of Ukrainian descent, possibly atheist but unknown, could be Christian Orthodox for all I know
6/10 looks even with weight, 9/10 sex drive, we were FWB but had reason to suspect she was fucking other dudes and I wasn't ok with that

#10
>Blatantly obese, early 30s, pussy came with fog horn and though I tried rubbing her feet once they were terribly smelly so never tried again
Around 2/10 or 3/10, but in her defence, she could suck and jerk cock like a champ. Worst sex I've ever had, but fooling around was fun. The only chick who could consistently get me off with just her hand/mouth. Loved anal, but found it so awkward to try and fuck her ridiculously huge body that I quickly gave up the first 2 or 3 attempts to have sex, and after finally managing to have vaginal sex with her I didn't bother pursuing her further. Genuinely a nice woman, will make someone a happy man someday if she could lose weight, but has to work on issues with paranoia and trusting others.

All in all, I've never had to pay for sex, and sadly I did fuck up a chance to get with an 8/10 Korean, a 9/10 Korean, and a solid 7-8/10 Haitian. There was also two fairly cute 7-8/10 white teens that was again barely legal. Anyways, inb4 'pics or it didn't happen' or 'none of this ever happened', I don't care, you can feel free to believe that it never happened, but just sharing my experiences. I guess the best I ever had was that redhead over a decade ago...

>>10130736
That's in chronological order to the best of my memory, not in order of preference or hotness. #2 was easily the overall best I ever had, even though she refused to suck or to have anal. That's perfectly fine. She easily had the sweetest tasting/smelling pussy I've ever had, not to mention the tightest and most shallow; I'm not even all that big but if I went too hard she'd seize up in evident pain and tell me to slow down.

>>10130736
You are a literal piece of human garbage.

>>10110623
Women work worse than niggers.

>>10130772
At what? You make no sense. Neck yourself.

>>10130736
Tell me your secrets, chad.

>>10130838
>chad
kek, nowhere even close. Was a fatass hardcore gamer in my teens, still fat in my early 20s, and oddly enough that's when I fucked most of those women. Just don't be a lying sack of shit, that includes trying to put up some sort of facade just to get some pussy, and a big thing is not to give a fuck. Desperation stinks. If you get laid, cool, if you don't, that's cool too, who cares? It's cliche, but just be yourself, and if she doesn't like it then she can merrily fuck off. If you try to act differently to TRY and get in her panties, well, either she better be a huge slut or you better be one Hell of an actor. If you have neither of those going for you, she'll likely see through your deception and lose interest in a hurry.

So just do your thing and don't be an antisocial little turd. If you find it awkward to talk to chicks, then you need to talk to chicks more. Get used to it, get used to talking to people in general, and you'll become less awkward. Being socially awkward, in my experience (and I was quite socially awkward in my teens and even to an extent in my early 20s), is from a lack of social interaction. If you put on a pair of skates for the first time and try to play hockey, you're going to look awkard. If you get on a field and try to kick around a football (non-American) for the first time then you're going to look awkward. If you try to juggle for the first time, you're going to be dropping balls all over the place and you'll look awkward. For many people, becoming proficient at social interaction is like becoming proficient at anything else; it takes practice. So get out of your comfort zone, and sure you'll experience some cringy moments, but as you interact with more people of both genders you'll become more comfortable with it.

I'm no fucking Chad, I just do my own thing. Sometimes a chick stays around for a few months and we have fun, or sometimes it's just a one-night thing. Sometimes they come in repetition, and sometimes there's months or years between women. So don't actively seek them out, but at the same time you need to get used to talking to them, and through conversing you will come upon opportunities. Men aren't the only ones who enjoy sex, and men aren't the only ones who find certain people of the opposite gender attractive. Women enjoy fucking too, and they occasionally find men attractive as well. Sometimes it's based on looks, but it can be for personality or intelligence as well. Money is another aspect, but most women don't want to be hookers either. They want access to it, but they don't want to get it in exchange for sex. Unless they really are hookers that is. Anyways, hopefully this helps somewhat. Don't be a desperate, deceptive, awkward loser. Honesty CAN get you into trouble, but dishonesty WILL get you into trouble eventually. Be honest, and deal with the consequences. If you're a man whose word isn't worth a damn, then as far as I'm concerned you're not a real man.

>>10110623
Africans really do sicken me. I don't much care for insectoids either but they seem to do well enough that they don't need to cash in all their chips to come to the West and be saved. But "lazy Africans" is not a meme whatsoever. The slowest people I've ever worked with have all been African.

>>10130890
>So don't actively seek them out, but at the same time you need to get used to talking to them, and through conversing you will come upon opportunities
Not him but I want you to realize that with regard to some people's mode of life such a suggestion as to "just be yourself" is a pseudo-condemnation of their hopes. I literally have no idea how to break the ice with strange girls, like a cold approach in a shop or a market, but I am still a fine conversationalist. I talk to the girls I work with just fine, it's quite fun. But if you were to tell me to just be myself? Well, myself doesn't approach strangers, works night shifts, and has no desire to "go out" (in my free time) with the sole desire of starting conversations with strangers, men or women. I was alone for 8 years and it wasn't because I was trying so desperately they could see right through my act, but because I WASN'T trying (to get ANYTHING) which means I was just sitting by myself in a room because I lived alone.

Just be yourself is advice for people who integrate into any group dynamic well, and so aren't averse to finding new groups of people. Meanwhile it's a condemnation to people who can't seamlessly integrate with new groups of people and hence they being themselves means avoiding new groups of people. Just consider this when you want to dole out shitty subjective advice. Introverts specifically have to NOT be themselves in order to find even a friend, nevermind a girlfriend.

>>10130926
This guy literally just preys on underage girls, he will be in prison one day. Do not take his advice man.

>>10130926
You might be a shut-in, but I should hope you're at least not a liar or deceptive. You can just accept that you're not socially compatible if you want, but if you push yourself out of your comfort zone and speak to more people then you'll get better at it. Don't put up a facade, but if you think you're fucked from the get-go then just stay home. I'm not going to tell people to go out there and start lying just to get pussy though, fuck that, it's weak and ineffective.

>>10130998
Not that anon, but what the fuck are you talking about?

Theodicy is pathetic in general but affirmation of Aesthetics is really scraping the bottom of the barrel. Even if Phenomena were interesting in any way, their affirmation as proof of God's greatness is the affirmation of the generic tyrant's architectural achievements as proof of his greatness. Even Atheists would struggle to top such mockery. Can Christians paint a portrait so repulsive that Yaldabaoth himself recoils?

>>10131085
My candidness and charismatic delivery of otherwise seemingly offensive diatribe seems to be very attractive to all types of people. It's been many a time that people have suggested I be in some sort of profession that consists of speech or oration (comedy, politics, blogger, are probably the big three). It still doesn't mean that I have a desire to talk to people. That's the fundamental schism that PUA (for lack of a better term) advice ails to reconcile, because it's a purely personal problem that those types don't have any tangible experience with to advise upon it. I've been with my gf for five years, though I still don't know how to walk up to strange pussy and say, "How are you?" And so even sharing in the experience I still myself wander blindly. So if I lack any sense of orientation, I'd need a damn good snake-oil salesman extrovert to be able to sell me on "just being yourself". It's a really strange thing to have to grapple with in life because for the majority of the population they can't actually empathize with how social-cold feet could even be an issue, a possibility. (It's also why therapists are generally worthless: they tend to be overwhelmingly extroverted, and especially females, the latter of which bears its own complication of confirmation biases of which they don't even seem to be aware.)

>>10131371
Can't say I know what PUA means. Oh, pick-up artist? I'm not one of those. Either I get pussy or I don't, there is no try... strange twist on a Yoda quote. Well hey, if you've got a girl for that long then stick with her. See how things turn out, hopefully it'll be a lifelong thing. The best recipe for the highest chance for success in life: finish high school, work a job for at least one full year, get married, and stay married. The two middle bits don't necessarily have to be in that order, but things are a Hell of a lot harder with a divorce.

I've actually been told that I'm good at speaking too. First time was while playing Rising Storm, it was quite a long session in Campaign mode, which has actual objectives, land to lose and take, etc. I was with a team for a good wihle, Commander (I suppose basically Lieutenant or Captain or something like that) for the most part which is the highest rank available, and as such a lot was dependant on me keeping up communication. Call in air strikes, call in recon, let the troops know where they were strong, make sure my Squad Leaders (I guess they were Sergeants) were doing their jobs, and also trying to be fair in a variety of ways while also being stern. Told me I've got a good voice for radio or something like that, but I've also been told repeatedly that I'm very good in that role. I've also been told I'd make a good teacher, but as for comedian/politician/blogger, nah.

Anyways, stick to the girl you've got. Better than jumping from woman to woman. I'm hoping to find the right one eventually, but I'm in no rush. I've been burned once before, and it's made me wary. VERY easy to lose my trust, and once lost it is not regained easily, if it's even possible to do so.

>>10110623
i hate niggers and the media more and more every week. i have also hit the point of no return with sexism.

>>10131459
Only one last step to make; convert to Islam and go to the Middle East where you belong, you fucking animal.

>>10131459

>>10110623
1. Is attempting to write a masterwork a vain pursuit.
2. Is writing a masterwork easier if one is vain.
3. What is a masterwork, what effect do they have on their audience.
4. Is the effect of a masterwork always and in all cases negative.
5. Does the negativity of a masterwork correspond to the vanity of its author.
6. Is writing a masterwork immoral.
7. Is immorality a valid reason for writing a masterwork.

I really hate where I'm living. I hope the next year goes by quickly while I wait to start university. While I'm waiting I guess I'm going to try and improve myself as much as I can.

I have friends but I lack friendship.

I'm gone past tilt into some sort of negative dimension of psychological despondency.

>>10110623
I'm a self-condescending loser that's throwing his life away but doesn't know how to stop.

>>10132520
One word: purpose.
>Find yours.

How do you stop thinking and start acting according to your instinct?
I want to jump over the abyss of uncertainty but I can't right now because I'm insecure as fuck. I just want to not give a fuck about consequences.

my death feels imminent

"shoot him again"
"what for"
"his spirit is still dancing"

"shoot him again"
"what for"
"his soul is still dancing"

i'm sick and i'm ready to die unless i get better. been writing some good suicide notes and getting my shit in order. also I don't have anything that weird on my computer, nothing illegal, but I don't want my family to go through my chats. what should I do? It would look weird if i smashed it, they might think i had something to hide

>>10132246
what's a masterwork

You know that feeling like wanting to throw up after not getting enough sleep? And then you find yourself browsing 4chan and remember what a sick place it is; and that you'll be here forever, not even joking.
And then you remember you have things to do in the next couple of days that you definitely won't get done in time.
You write what's on your mind to see if anyone ever went through this, but then everything seems so stupid. Everyone is sick except you. You are the only sick one. How do I stop alienating? How do I stop detaching myself from reality? Do I have some kind of psychiatric disease?
But then I remember I'm a perfectly functional human being from time to time. Everyone would say I'm even successful.
They fucking killed themselves. They must've felt this same feeling. Like throwing up. Throwing up your existence. That puke that's your existence. That bile that's your mind. Hell, it wouldn't even be enough to be disgusting; rather it'd seem like a bad joke everyone would laugh to out of pity.
I feel pity for them, compassion to them. Why? The obvious answer would be because I can relate to them. Funny thing is they wouldn't relate to me at all. They'd just laugh at my [to them] banal problems.
I'm clogged up, choked, obstructed. I never say I'm sorry. At least not when it really matters; then every time I didn't say it gets cleaned with that same dirty rag.
All hope I had been accumulating these last weeks it's consumed. This very instant I'm everything I didn't want to become once again.
I think I'll lay down, these words are like rubbing that dirty rag with a little bit of soap.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3t1Qm89DDYw

I don't wanna write my essays tomorrow and also I wish my shoes had gotten here today I need to send those back if they don't fit.

I don't know if it's sad or good how quickly we get over things.
The things we've perceived as tragedies, sometimes life changing, all gone after a few years. The people we meet and care for, all the feelings gone given time.

My father died when I was 12. I felt pain, I felt lost, I missed him. There's nothing now, not even a void to fill.

I remember the first day of high school, thinking, these guys are pretty cool, I'll have such a good time. I did have a good time. Then we graduated, and I talk to 2 of my former classmates. The rest have vanished from my life. I used to miss them, but enough time has passed to not think about them that way.

I met a girl when I was 18. We were together for 4 years. I still have my notebooks and I still remember what I felt and thought. Not giving in to emotions at first, being afraid. Then letting go, being in love. Meeting her mother, meeting her friends, introducing her to mine, all the anxiety and rush of emotions and feeling like I've swallowed a rock. The problems we had, the problems I was desperate to solve, the genuine caring; "is she alright? Does she need me right now?" The warmth when she acted upon the same thoughts and cared for me. Then the break up, the agony of loneliness, heartbreak. For months I thought I'd never recover.

Here I am now, years later, and I rarely think about her despite 4 years of intense emotions and spending time with each other on a daily basis. When I do think about her, it's not love, not genuine care. Just a picture of her, the way I remember her, and the thought: "Does she still think about me sometimes?" Then it vanishes as fast as it came.


It's the same with all things. The expectations, the goals, the disappointments, the sadness, the joy. As I look at my life, the memory of dancing in a nightclub is the same as the first kiss with the girl I loved the most. The anxiety of my fathers funeral is the same as the anxiety of my final math exam.
It's all temporary. I can describe the events and the emotions they caused, but I can't feel them again. They all fade into objectivity as the time goes on. I hated this, I hated that, I loved X more than I loved Y, but the months pass and there's just hate and love, washed together.

On one hand this is what makes me feel free, that no matter what I suffer, it will be obscured by time. But then it makes me feel sad, because everything I hold dear, everything that makes me feel intense emotions will be destroyed by the wheels of time. I'll never feel the loss of my father the same way again, but I also won't feel that first kiss.

I feel the same in short term. I will kiss my girlfriend this afternoon. I will kiss her in the evening. I will still remember the afternoon kiss and acknowledge that it's not the same, it's gone. When I look back years later, I can still make the distinction, but from the distance of objectivity.

Then, I ask from myself, isn't life about chasing the permanent and settling with temporary?

>>10113043
Go talk to a therapist. You sound a lot like me. It'll take a few years, but it'll be worth it.
t. fixing my life and rooting out behavioral issues I never recognized as insidious

>>10133418
I like this

>>10126463
Just another day here.

The Great Anxiety is at my heels and does not tire.

"Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored"

And indulging in hedonistic activities does not truly banish the obligation to become a better person.

>>10110623
Having a month left shitposting until I die is quite hard.

What does a mirror look like when there is nothing in front of it?

Once I get money (if I get money), I'm gonna go travel on my own. I'm tired of working on myself. I wanna change what's around me instead. I want to be cold and wet somewhere I don't know how to get back from.

>>10133489
What are you dying from, Anon?

>>10133528
Once you're cold and wet you'll want to be dry and warm. And versus vice adding infinatilly.

>>10133528

I want to go hiking in the Caucasus. I have no real idea why, I just think it would be interesting and not swarming with Chinese tourists.

>>10133542
That's where the "don't know how to get back from" kicks in.

>>10133553
Aren't there terrorists there?

>>10133553
>>10133560
Hey! There's a catchy title for the global condition: "Tourists or Terrorists"

>>10133418
Everything happens once. You can remember, and writing those moments is the core of writing itself

>>10131332
you saved that image so obviously some part of the rust bucket of your mind still feels appreciation for pretty things or things that are in line with the world

stop being such an edgy faggot, nature wasn't created by slave armies and it wasn't created in line with some dumb ideology, it's clear that the whole thing is glowing with the truth.

I honestly think your problem could be solved with more intense study of worldly phenomena. like look at really HD images of bee wings or microscopic pictures or stuff like that. photos of beautiful noble huskies... you'll see how shit really be

>>10132246
why don't you cross that bridge when you come to it, you megalomaniacal buffoon

also

8. why aren't you using question marks.

>>10132811
acting isn't about no longer thinking, it's about your thoughts actually making themselves useful by goading you into action (more like coital congress than divorce, more like harmony than one note playing)

>>10132911
can you delete your chats?

>>10133305
dam man, iktf. try to get some sleep.

I feel that you and I are both weak in the same way, and that weakness is lucky. I'm not being paradoxical for its own sake, here.

I see a lot of young men who are so strong that they get themselves into disgusting, painful situations. Or they spend their time writing stories that are as disgusting and soul-poisoning as possible. I've never had the strength of disposition to be like that...

And also, a lot of people go around forever saying awful things, not even understanding how awful they are because they're so tough.

But you and I, I believe, when we get up at like 8 AM or 5 AM and we just feel like shit, when there's music looping through our heads like madness... in those moments, I can say, at least, that I can see clearly. When I am really weak and tired, I can really see clearly how things should be, or at least how they shouldn't be. What people shouldn't say. Because my skin isn't so thick that nothing can break through it. Do you understand?

Sisyphus -must- be happy, or otherwise he'd kill himself.

>>10133489
What's wrong, anon?

>>10110623
with no intent to see replies
tomorrow, hopefully, off on a new kind of journey
no longer hopelessly tied to cheap thrills, easy nuggets of connection offered by technology

it's always been a substitute for the better reality
its so hard to do something you dont care about or even hate for eight hours every day
come home and get some dose of whatever to even things out
that's a viscous cycle

I'm minimizing

everything, I don't need whatever people think they need
I dont need a tv or cellphone or even a home
I just need a tent and a sleeping bag and a corner of some woods, but yes always a job

that won't keep the thoughts of my mind from coming alive

there are primordial outlets we've forgotten
succumb to the machine if you want and feel the pain

I am swimming in the same river as everyone else, but my direction is towards shore

It's funny that pornography addiction is the least sexy addiction.

>>10132911
What sort of chats? Just smashing your computer almost definitely won't make it difficult to recover them and if anything will just make them curious, like you said.

>>10133781
Some of these are decent competition
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/My_Strange_Addiction
if they even qualify as addictions and not just circus freak TV.

>>10133781
>tfw choked it to the most disturbing thing so now every time i think of doing it the memory makes me feel like vomiting
ain't it wonderful when stuff fixes itself?

I fucking hate the fact that shitty musicans get all the exposure, and spotlight. Ethnic woman raps about being ethnic, being woman, and being an ethinc woman. They want to make me believe this is groundbreaking, this is bullshit, skrewdrivers lyrics are too about their identity, where is the fucking praise?

I want to create a piece that outlasts me. Something that has impact, something that will cause change. I want my echo ripple through the waters. I want the universe to bow and not deny my existence.

But we won't always get what we want do we? Quess I'll still create that piece, even if it will beever used just to steady a bookshelf.

>>10113531
dude, the punching someone you hate in your dreams but nothing happening? The putting all your energy in that punch because you want to fucking kill them for how they made you suffer, yet absolutely nothing happens to them? That happens in my dreams too. I don't know what it means. I used to think it means I'm a good person because even though I cried and prayed to be able to kill them, in my dreams where it could finally happen, I just can't do it. But I don't know if I'm a good person. Because nothing truly bad has happened in my life. All these other people have genuine hardships to lament over and I'm wasting air by talking to myself about how I was bullied in middle school or I had a couple of unfortunate sexual encounters that are undeserving of attention because I wasn't molested so it doesn't matter. And I was the perpetrator so I'm the villain but I want to feel sorry for myself? And now it causes me to be uncomfortable with sexuality and feeling and caring for someone? But on the internet someone will inevitably reply with something along the lines of "oh I did that and it's no big deal, I have a gf and make 6 figures lol" but why did it hurt me so much?

I feel sad all the time and I just wish I could get a do-over sometimes. But then some days I feel hope that there's someone and something here for me. I get lost in pretending to be someone in my head that my reality can never match. Why am I always so tired. I won't kill myself because I don't want to hurt the less than a handful of people who actually care, and because I'm afraid. More than anything I feel out of place. Like I never belonged here.

>>10133718
>nature wasn't created by slave armies and it wasn't created in line with some dumb ideology

By everyone's thinking, including mine, the Cosmic wheel is a breaking wheel. Nothing ever happens for any reason other than its own suffering for its own sake.

>>10133739

Happiness is not conducive to the Good.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/System_justification

>>10125663
Leaving the West was the biggest mistake I've made in life.
But I did it for love.