/lit/ - Literature

I fell for the hermit meme. I canceled my internet when I got my first job out of college in 2014. I was living alone in a 1br apartment in a small ski resort town. I waged, then lifted, then trained jiu jitsu 5 days a week. I put on 10 lbs of muscle. By the time I had cooked and eaten dinner every night it was 10pm. I maintained this for about a year and a half when the mania turned to depression. My body and mind were at their breaking points. Tyler Durden was right: self improvement is masturbation. The meaninglessness of this lifestyle finally overwhelmed me. There was a painful and confusing relationship with a girl. I thought about killing myself every night for 9 months. I would sneak with my laptop, like a junky, into the grocery store to get a fix of internet. Somehow I managed to keep my job as a functioning depressive. Philosophy was the only thing that I could focus on, it was the only thing that felt meaningful. Finally I had a dream that broke the spell. The climax of the dream was when, in the form a child, I asked a demon whether or not it thought life was "strange and terrible or OK." In a loud, quick, and droning voice that came from inside my ears it responded, "STRANG AND TERRIBLE." The child (me) was surprised, paused for a moment, gave the demon a hug and said, "im sorry." When I woke up, I shaved my beard and emerged from the darkness over the next few weeks. I had to allow myself to become a child again.
I discovered Schopenhauer's philosophy and it was a huge relief.
It aligned my thoughts and feelings towards life. I went vegan and have been so for about a year. Asceticism still appeals to me, but isolation is inhuman. And the ideal of "I just want to create" is another lifestyle trap that is being marketed. Suffering and working are given in this life. The only possibility for redemption is if these are in service to others. I recently discovered Tolstoy's writings on Christianity and I have been tossing them around in my head this week. I've been following Christ's commandments for a week so far. Giving to charity, signing up to volunteer at a homeless shelter, and denying desires of the flesh. It's difficult, but putting insights into action feels right. I wonder how far I can take it....