/lit/ - Literature

>be me
>late teens, just moved out
>have some course in political philosophy
>start digging deeper
>discover rationalism
>arriving at truths solely based on rational inference
>start contemplating every possibility in earnest
>mind now warps around shifting axioms to make any given potential seem likely
>become isolated and weird
>consider that I have gaslit myself years ago to change my behaviour for some hidden reason and then also induced amnesia to forget that I did so
>ignore that I might just be mentally ill and need help because the other option is a possibility and therefore probably valid
>every positive conclusion I reach to counter this I now believe is actually planned 4d chess cope from my pre-gaslighting self to shield myself and I am not being authentic unless I assume the most miserable option is true
>start believing my neighbours are out to get me
>stop leaving the apartment unless under the cover of darkness lest they spot me
>stop flushing the toilet because they could hear that I am home and harass me
>drive myself to the brink of suicide because I can not reconcile reality with the increasingly complex mental landscape that I have crafted for no discernible reason
pls /lit/ for the love of god don't get into philosophy
don't repeat my mistakes, my mind got poisoned to the point of psychosis
if you absolutely can't resist stick to something practical like ethics but I wouldn't risk it