/lit/ - Literature

>>10669588
reminds me of 1st grade when we had to write a poem and some were picked to be put in the paper
I couldn't think of a fucking thing, and everything that was suggested to me A) didn't sound good enough and B) wasn't my idea so I didn't want to write it down
I started crying and the teachers said I could skip it but that just made me want to do it more
eventually I wrote down something like "Spring is the time for baseball, fishing, and rainbows" and they put it in the paper
I forgot about it until I was like 15 and I found a copy of it
I was and kind of still am absolutely furious they put that in the paper
like I know I was crying but you knew that "poem" was shit, that doesn't reflect well on me at all, and you had to know there was a possibility my mom would've saved it and I'd be embarrassed years later
--
even though I forgot it, that feeling came up all through my schooling, the feeling of "I have no creativity and anything I do come up with isn't good enough and anything you come up with is cheating, but I want to finish this regardless", and every year, every month even, that last part would skew more towards "I shouldn't be forced to do this"
and yes, I'm autistic, not even all that autistic, I have a mild case
if anyone tells you actual autism isn't hard, they don't know what the fuck they're talking about
I really did think kind of like a robot, and I knew it, and it was not fun
now I've picked up more experience and more mental pathways to create shit, but I'm still abysmal at it
--
I've been working on a video game and I've made like 5 or 6 tiles total
for music I feel like I have a lot of ideas, but 99% of them are incredibly simple, and every time I look back I see about half are just copies of older ideas, and several of them I recorded three or even four times
people say artists are hard to understand and art is weird, but for me I think it might be impossible to really understand
I know what I like, but even more than the ordinary person, I do not know what art is