/lit/ - Literature

>>15706170
I'd condense it from here; I like the idea in the first two lines, but they can be smushed together in some way and once you do this for the rest you can start incorporating more complicted themes
>>15704008
>>15704010
aside from the occassional awkward word, the flow is good here and I'm definitely intrigued, but it's not subtle, like, at all.
if you're going for an ironic distance, or a kind of sardonic "tropeyness" then it works, but if you separated a lot of the points being made by description and a little ambiguity it would come off as a lot more mature. just my thoughts.

>>15703894
I actually really like this. tight, poignant, with a good rhyme sceme.
yeah, this is good.

if anyone could read my passage and just tell me if the joke near the end about Henry being invisble is cringey or not, id appreciate