/lit/ - Literature

I am resigned to the fact that I have a gross, masculine body and will never be cute or adored again. It's just lonely winter and toil for the rest of my life. Wish I could have known this is how things would have turned out, maybe I could have done something about it, puberty blockers or something. Oh well, alcohol helps for now

I hate having a male body.
>Receding hairline
>Linebacker shoulders
>Ogrish brow
>Giant head
>Deep voice
>Giant hands
>Small eyes
I've spent so much time on trans forums and learning how to clock AMAB people that I'm hyper aware of every masculine trait I have. I've had to take down all the mirrors in my apartment. I even avoid breathing without having white noise playing because it sounds so gross. Burping, sneezing, and hiccuping too. It's just a hyper consciousness that I can't get out of my head. It's left me an anxious wreck. Alcohol amplifies all of these feelings (and paradoxically numbs then too) so I've quit drinking. Phenibut helps, but that wears off sooner than I'd like. For some reason, I have the mental expectation that my body is supposed to be feminine, no idea where it comes from. I have exclusively male interests and don't kind being a man socially (that much, it's not perfect), I'm attracted to women too, so it's not because I'm a repressing gay or anything like that. I'm seeing a specialist to talk about this soon, but I don't know what they can really help me with. Maybe it's just anxiety about aging or something, my hair has been really going these last few months and I'm getting a lot of body hair I didn't used to have. Ugggh