/lit/ - Literature

ever since i lost my virginity and gone thru the myriad of women i did in my, uhm, whore ish period, i haven't given a shit about em. no sex, no dating, nothing. it's not to say i don't necessarily want a gf, but i also don't not want one. sure life would be better(?) with someone to tell me i matter but i want my ego to die. i want to look at the world with the wonder of a child and accept nothing as a gift or positive reinforcement. i want to be completely selfless. i want to continue being physically fit and continue with my ambitions in my career. i want friends to do stuff with and spend time.
but i don't know if i want a girl. the whole idea of "wanting someone" seems so weird to me. i don't deserve another human being, i think. i don't know if i ever will. i have an ideal of what i want from a girl, but i don't know if i want the girl itself. y should i? what have i done to deserve it?
it's all a load of shit. this want for a girl is like death, the only difference being death hangs over all of us like the sky and this ideal that i'm not sure i want sits in front of me like an invisible target on the horizon.
i don't doubt my ability to get a girl, that's easy. do i deserve another human being to be devoted to me? no, i don't think so. that's so outlandish, it'd be nice, but as my own god i cannot allow it for i have failed my own judgement.