/jp/ - Otaku Culture

Get out.

99% of the time I just have nightmares or chronic anxiety dreams. Always recurring themes, always blatantly obvious Freudian shit. My mind is not a subtle creature.

Once or twice a year I will sometimes have euphoric dreams that are very full of color and sensations. They're not sexual but there's a similar feeling, I guess euphoric is the right word. I wake up feeling amazing instead of stressed or terrified. They get increasingly rarer with time.

Well, I don't know what to say. Which is something that only rarely
happened in the years I spent on here.
What I would like to say is, I'm going to give living a "normal" life
one final try.

Getting a job, acquire some normal hobbies, spent time outside and
maybe even make friends. Those might not sound like big things to
accomplish, but to me it will be hell. I know some on here can relate.
It might seem paradoxical that I would want to go back to the life
that made me end up like this in the first place, but it's the only
alternative I have to killing myself. I see no hope, no way how this
could work. But I lived this live for too long and it's taking it's
toll.

Since alienating myself from society, I spent way too many days
dwelling on memories of days long past.
Nowadays it isn't that bad; I can avoid thinking about it most of the
time. It's just at certain times of the year that I can't avoid it.
The end of January is particularly bad. Once it comes around, it's
certain that melancholy will set in. It still gets me pretty badly.
You would think that it would hurt less today, well over 10 years
later, but somehow it just doesn't.

I have this box with photographs and movie tickets etc., that I open
at these times, despite knowing I should not. I can't get myself to
throw the thing away, I always end up thinking the remorse of losing
it would be worse than having it around. It's not the missed
opportunities that hurt (I sure had a fair share of those), but the
genuinely happy days I had in my life.

I know very well that things weren't particularly good back then
either, in some aspects it was very similar to what my life is like
now, but living didn't have this sharp edge about it. I still had hope
back then. Not the twisted kind of hope that is only painful and keeps
me from ending it right here, but real and honest hope. Hope that
things would be ok and that I just needed to find my place.