/jp/ - Otaku Culture

>>46746132
I've even started being jealous when I see some of my friends having fun....

I am literally Parsee.

I don't even think I have anything, aside from the required autism to like an obscure japanese shooter game. I'm just generically mentally unwell.
I had a fucked up early childhood, a fucked up elementary education, a fucked high school life, a fucked social life (I.E. None whatsoever), and my parents bestowed upon me such alluring traits as awful anger management, borderline(?) sociopathy and general misanthropy.
I don't think I've managed to keep up any real friendships longer than a couple years, and the majority of my interactions with people have always been negative. Somehow, against all logic, I have managed to be the guy under a godamn microscope for any failing whatsoever, including social (let me tell you that's not a thing you can fix by willpower), and by the end of my education I think I was a month away from losing it and strangling someone.
I actually started slicing into my thigh with a kitchen knife every day, because somehow the sight of blood and bit of pain it gave managed to ground me enough that I didn't want to hurt people for no reason for a while. Yeah, I'm an emo faggot, sissy whatever, I stopped as soon as I left school since I never had to see all the people I had come to hate ever again in my life. I jammed my thumb into the cuts during the HS graduation day because I was so utterly fucked in the head right then.
I got into touhou a little before that because I wanted something to distract myself from how much I hated myself and my life, and it was that or tearing open my jugular. It wasn't so much a coping mechanism than mind numbing entertainment really, but I consciously went in knowing I probably wouldn't come out the rabbithole.
At the end of all that, I've a short temper and massive attachment issues. I don't think I can form anything close to a healthy relationship even if it fell into my lap, because the second I feel any kind of affection my head goes all funny and I want to do weird things. Not necessarily violent or sex things, but just odd things.
I sort of cycle between a mild mania, periods of depression and the worst is probably when the slightest thing happens and I get irrationally angry about it.

Anyway, I'll probably end up alone from all of that, and I wouldn't blame anyone for it. I'd probably be disgusted at myself if I were someone else.
I somehow never developed any interest other than video games that I get bored of within a day and the endless content machine of touhou, which I can never admit to anyone because I'd be paralytic with the fear that people would be talking shit about me behind my back. So I can't even take any comfort in the knowledge that my life was fucked by poor genetics, it's just every other event and decision in it that ever happened to me.

Forgive the blogpost, but that's my full mental state that I'm willing to share. I kinda need to write it down, but I never kept a diary.
At the very least, if I do end up going to gensokyo there will be some guy on the internet who knows how much life has decided to fuck some other random over for no reason.
I don't really want to answer any questions pertaining to my psychology either, so please don't ask anything intrusive of me.
Especially pity. I wallow in my own misery enough as it is, without other people doing it as well.