/jp/ - Otaku Culture

>>45253922 (7/-)
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Anon recoils as if hit by a trolley, eyes bulging and staring at me as if I had grown another head, utterly foxed. The dolly, confused, looks at us, and the hollow feeling starts to get filled, like a pool, with liquid desperation. "Something happened this past week; one of my students said I was pregnant, then rumors… That's not important—" I notice I'm shaking. "—but now everyone in the village but Suzu thinks I'm pregnant, and I should've cleared the rumors just as they began, but couldn't, and now Mokou believes it and she's so happy with it—but I've got no one to help me, and it's making me go crazy: I'm sick all the times, yet I need to keep on smiling or the lie will blow up and Mokou would know, she would, and-and then she'd get so sad and I—"

"W-Wow, wow, calm down, Keine!" He rounds the kotatsu and keels by my side, strong hands clasping my shaking shoulders.

Looking at me with worried eyes, the doll races to the kitchen. It disgusts me how easily this topic breaks my character, but I've been holding everything inside, it's rotting away…

The dolly returned with a cup of water, which I unsteadily drank, trying to recompose myself and gulp the bloated shame. "Better?"

"Yes—thanks…" The doll doesn't answer, just awkwardly bows. "… I need your help with that, Anon. Please: I want to make Mokou happy, and you're one of the kindest people I know—it reflected on little Hana, and… I have no one else to ask from." The well of desperation reaches its overflows, and I wonder how things got to this point. I'm the protector of the Human village; not even the mikos can answer faster than me if a threat is to befall the village… Yet here I am.

But at least I can be sure; Anon is a good man. He must understand I have no better options here, and— "No."

My thoughts come to a screeching halt, wide eyes on him. "… What?"

"No." He replies calmly. The doll seems anxious. "Kids don't work like that, Keine." The sweet, passive man was gone, his words carrying iron—enormous rage grew in my stomach.

"B-But… your work here is—"

"I know what I do here and won't refuse to have sex with you if it comes to that—but I refuse to get you pregnant." I feel my knuckles going white, my obvious escape rope from this hell of a situation slipping through my fingers. I could look for other men who wouldn't bat an eye about this… But just the thought of a stranger doing this—fathering my kids—makes me sick. I taught this man's daughter, played with her when she was feeling lonely, got her back home safely when neither parent was available—

… That's how I'm repaid? With a 'no'?

If he's not willing to give, then maybe I should outright take what I need—

"I know how it is, Keine," his hand reaches for mine, his grip tight, shutting down the heinous thoughts. "I understand the desire to make someone happy; I caved to that overwhelming pressure… And got 17 years of torture for me and my daughter—you know; you read the news." His voice, firm and up close, hits like a rock and sends shivers through my skin, the thought of just now withering like a witch's ashes. "They aren’t a neatly wrapped-up gifts to be presented to someone. They won't solve issues like a broken person, broken marriage; or bring happiness all by themselves—kids are… More. Much more. Hana, to me, was hope, one that hasn't died out yet… Don't do this to yourself, to Mokou, and mostly to these kids. No one deserves to be an object." The sheer weight of that sentence hurt.

First scolded by a mother, now by a father…

Welled tears start to fall; I'm shaking, looking away from his face—then back—then away again—and then I'm holding my face, my lips quivering—I want to puke. I want to—

His arms, gentle and warm, envelop me. Tiny dolly hands brush my hair…

I cannot contain it anymore.

"I-I'm so sorry… I was trying to make her happy, b-but… I don't want any of this!" I finally puked the truth out, grasping at his clothes as if to save my life. "I don't! I love being a teacher, but a mother…? I don't know anything about that! I don't have a husband to help me support them, and I work too much—I barely have time for myself… Yet, I wanted to make Mokou happy. She'll never experience pregnancy, so she wanted to experience it through me, a-and I wanted her to feel joy… I don't want to disappoint her. I don't want to disappoint my students, their parents… I'm so sorry—I should've stopped when it began—"

"It's not your fault." He whispers.

"It is! It is…" His hold doesn't falter; my words feel weak and weightless. I sigh of relief, not cumbersome with the bottled-up feelings anymore—though a deep chasm lies inside. "… What should I do?"

"Tell the truth. She's your friend. She'll understand—people will have to understand, too."

I close my eyes, think, take a deep breath…

And nod: "I will."

"Just know: you're not alone—you've got me, Suzu… Don't try to live a lie like I did."

"I won't."

For the first time in a week, the voices in my head are silent.