/jp/ - Otaku Culture

Weird walking down the street and knowing I look nice today and smiling back at people — often old men smile up at me or nod their heads, because I am wearing a flowy dress and have blonde curls and look just charming.

Part of me wants to enjoy this validation of my appearance unabashedly but another part is silently whispering My dear, my dear, how adequately you fit into conventional beauty norms today, how mercilessly you spent your time on pigmenting your face, look at all this approval you are receiving! Is it worth it? Does the fact your nails match your yellow belt make you feel good about your life?

I don’t really have an answer… nor do I think pleasant interactions with other people that involve smiles and eye contact need to necessarily be about my own cisgendered, white sexual attraction… but I don’t think it’s entirely not, either? Man. My thoughts are in a tangle today. It’s weird not being able to derive satisfaction from looking nice anymore, either, but I feel like it is also a step towards my life being more meaningful and creativity-fuelled? Like, I do not win because strangers think I look good. This isn’t a prize that’s going to give me a trophy I can display on my mantel: She was finally hot when she was 26. But it’s so strange and awful how the world around us encourages women into thinking our attractiveness is the pinnacle of what we can achieve: if we can’t do it looking good, we didn’t really do it.