/jp/ - Otaku Culture

(1/3)
—
It's a weird feeling.

Days of everlasting paranoia, of extensive planning and re-planning, making sure no corner is cut, and every question was answered just… Faded away. My problems didn't: who had the gall to tamper with my creation? Hana was swayed by that pitiful woman and her confusing yet oppressing new powers…

Nothing of that doesn't matter anymore.

This newfound certainty makes me feel light as a feather; the ease of mind guides my actions as if natural, ending with a dragon bowing down to me. Why fear when you're above even dragons?

I gently touch my belly as I leave the Gap to the cool breeze of the shrine, a calm smile taking over me. Seiga finished while I was making sure the sword had no more surprises and putting Ibarakasen back in her proper place, meaning Anon should be taking a break right now—

—Faraway laughter answers the question, and I decide to walk to Anon and the girls instead of using the Gap, humming along the way a tender lullaby that a girl a thousand years ago, under a cursed cherry blossom, taught me. Odd how inside these walls of magic I've erected, with a parody of the Hakurei Shrine in its center, it’s the only thing that feels real.

The rest is so… fake.

I brush the feeling aside.

Anon was sitting on the veranda, two knitting needles in hand, giving life to what seemed to be a sweater of red and yellow, simplified bats embroidering the fabric in equal intervals. Three cups on a tray stood by his side, one of bitter tea and the other empty, though I can safely guess they were of hot chocolate. My attention is caught momentarily by the two 'children' playing on the trees circling the pond, a sort of flying tag—Flandre was clearly faster but couldn't for the life of her win against Chen in 'mind games', if you could call them that.

Anon freezes upon hearing me, turning immediately and stumbling to get up. “D-Dear, I wasn't told you—”

I kiss him gently, silencing him and making him return to sitting. It hurts my heart how the mere contact makes his skin shiver and his body jolt back, his years of experience keeping him still and capable of kissing back satisfactorily. “No matter~” He squirms in place, trembling as he fastens his hands, the habitual sensual juban replaced by proper clothing to withstand the cold. I find myself preferring this. “For how long are they at it now?”

He recomposes himself calmly, a shadow of a smile there. “About twenty minutes. Flan is trying to understand the 'language of the trees', though Chen said she's an expert on it since she survived having a tree explode on her face… I couldn't follow the thought process, but it must make sense on a conceptual level.” The smile painting his face is fake, the lightheartedness too, and it pinches my stomach. “Sakuya is cooking inside right now and… Yukari, are you okay?” That worry lacing his eyes is fake too.

I don't know why, but the thought struck me and, frowning by his side, I look at my surroundings. The snow falling is magic, representation; the house an imitation…

Every tender, loving feeling we shared here is also pure lie…

That ease had suddenly vanished and given way to a crushing, unnamed feeling I had never felt before. It made me want to throw up, body cold and tense, Yuyuko's words—begging me to stay by her side, leave all behind, and go have my children in safety—echoing inside like gongs. What's happening all of a sudden?! This is what I wanted! I'm achieving my objectives! I'll have a child to call mine; dragons bow to me! I will win when the time comes, and then I’ll rule supreme, never to be trifled with or have rivals—when everything is said and done, only I'll have power, which I'll use to make the safest, happiest place possible for me and my children… I'll be loved, and I will love without worry.

Happy for once.

Everything I worked so hard for will be achieved…

… Then why…?

I look at Anon's eyes, which appear to be in utter shock; why—? I touched my face, confusedly looking at one solitary tear that' I had shed.

… I'll have everything I've ever wanted when it's all said and done—my hands hold my belly tight, Anon frowning at the gesture…

And, like this worry in Anon's eyes, it'll be all fake.

…

…

“Anon…” I whisper, my teary eyes looking forward, gulping down the block of ice that took hold of my throat, hand knots just as white as my gloves. He keeps silent, staring at me as if I were a stranger… Yet the words struggle to come out, locked inside my throat.

Just say it—just say you’re pregnant!

It might change everything. I-It might make everything okay, it might just be enough; it might just be my only hop—

We stare at each other as the seconds pass, feelings I can't name eating away at my insides, destroying my thoughts and accomplishments from within—the truths cold showers—Yuyuko's words deafening…

After all is said and done, and I reign supreme, my child and I will stand at the top…

… Alone in this fake world I’ve created.

It feels like an abyss.