/jp/ - Otaku Culture

The people who would be able to best respond to this thread are from the /x/ side of /jp/. I would post this on /x/ or /r9k/, but I don't feel any real connection to those boards, and /jp/ feels like family, so I post here. If you don't like the thread, hide it instead of complaining.
Earlier this year, when I was pacing around a room in a mental facility, a part of my ongoing thought process ended with "if I get nothing out of life, at least I'll get Gensokyo", and as I thought this, and for a few moments afterwards, I felt a very unique medium-powered feeling in my head. I've come to take this feeling as being some kind of acknowledgement of my thought/wish by some power beyond or maybe of my capability of understanding, and I've come to be afraid that they or it took my wording literally. I'm not happy with my life currently, but I have it in my power to make it a life I can look back on at the end and say "that was alright", but because of the previously-mentioned potential acknowledgement, I'm scared that, by the literal wording, the entity or whatever may grant the wish only if I look back on my life at the end and think, "what a waste of life". I hope they knew what I meant when I thought it, but with my luck, they didn't, or so I fear. I'm going to be getting access to my firearms back within the next two months, and I'm faced with a conundrum: should I kill myself at a place in life where I can say I've gotten nothing substantial out of my life, or do I continue on, and risk no Gensokyo? I don't know what to do. I'm sad all the time. Most of what I've envisioned for the afterlife is cope for what I want but don't have out of life, and I'm afraid these plans would be rendered redundant and therefore void if I get them for real. It's a scary thought. I honestly feel like there's something out there that doesn't want me to have more than a moment of peace at a time for a long time, probably why I consider this an issue. Help me figure this out /jp/, I want to go to Gensokyo, there may never be advanced enough tech in our lifetimes to create VR full-dive life-surrogate imaginational perma-dimensions so that I can just spend the remainder of my time journeying to Genoskyo and than living a lifetime there before moving on to the next life in the cycle of reincarnation, there might not even be reincarnation, Buddha could've been wrong and we'll all get eternal nothingness, there's no way to know, which stresses me out because if I don't do everything I want in this lifetime, a lot of these wants requiring advanced tech we may never get, then there's the possibility I never will be able to. AAAAAA.

This one is my favourite.