/jp/ - Otaku Culture

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Muscles ache. Eyes red with tiredness, stomach rumbles and my legs tremble, trying to give up… Yet, I stand at the Torii gate with a gigantic smile reluctant to leave my face. Calloused hand, one that swung the gohei for far too long, gently brushes the repainted and renovated proud red gate, looking as if it were made yesterday. I ignore the encumbering pain as I walk the path, each stone new and polished beforehand with care, the sides pruned. I stop at the Shrine of Offerings, the insides empty—expecting a new offering, an epitaph, for adoration.

… Then I breathe in and breathe out, standing before the Hakurei Shrine in its beautiful totality, not a nail out of place, every broken board replaced and repainted, doors and windows remade from scratch, the roof perfectly capable of standing a thousand storms to come. Impossible to see on the inside, but all rooms were cleaned and repaired, each stain arduously scrubbed from the ceiling and walls, trees and nearby vegetation also pruned, keeping a respectful distance from the house of the Hakurei God.

… I cry tears of joy.

The house of my mother and her mother, then mine and of my family, which I unequivocally pushed away time and time again—left-hand brushes on pylons and walls as I walk around the veranda, following to the back of the shrine—the house I painstakingly re-erected from the umbrageous, sad husk it stood as for decades under me. A selfish desire yearns for their arms around me, for them to bask in my work and be proud and happy about it.

A chance to instill in their heart anything more than despise and bad memories…

Yet, I know that may not be the case—

I stop in front of the pond, glistening with an otherworldly gleam, the sun reflecting on it with might through the heavy clouds of fall… Then, I fall softly on my knees, hands on my thighs—breathe in, breathe out.

—And I don't mind.

I cry, yes, but I don't mind. I don't mind if they never return to see the shrine, or choose to not forgive me, ignore me—not even look me in the eyes.

I'll try, but I won't mind if they don't.

Because my family… will be free.

When this is over, I'll make sure nothing ever bounds them again, and I won't wish for anything in return. The simple thought of them being free to go where they want to go, to be with whomever they want to be and to smile and feel alive… It fills me with such supernatural happiness that it threatens to explode my chest. My smile grows impossibly, heart swelling tenfold as ecstasy washes over me—despite my aching body, my weary soul, I unconsciously get up and march forward, not an ounce of hesitation as I feel the soft, cold breeze rush through my skin, the pond entirely stopping its ripples as if responding to my state of being.

Unceremoniously, I retake my meditation pose on the waters.

I do not sink.

For twelve hours, I do not sink.

As my hand clutches the warm scarf around my neck and I smile, I safely say: "I am happy for them."

A droplet ripples through, be it on the pond or in my mind. My eyes slowly opened. Two Hakurei Yin-Yangs spin in front of me…

I bow respectfully, "… It's an honor, Hakurei-sama."

Waves of… something ripple on the surface of the Yin-Yangs, and it's almost as if it's calling to me—

—I extend my hand forward, and God extends his. Our fingertips touch ever so slightly, and my newfound inner peace blends, morphs, and then electrifies every inch of my flesh, yet my concentration doesn't falter; my resolve does not wave. For who knows how long, I stood there, sharing with the God who gave me my blessings an eternal moment.

His generous gift stays close to my heart. It'll be used accordingly.

God withdraws his hand and starts to fade with the soft wind, uttering a final question without words, one that echoed inside my mind with great weight; "You understand the consequences?"

I stopped, my body relaxed yet unmoved like a rock…

I'm old. I've fought for too long and have grown tired. My body, once a paragon of strength, has been poisoned by years of drinking and lack of discipline, all irreversible at this stage of my life… I'll do whatever I can to regain that lost strength and have better chances to save my family, but I have no doubts about what’ll happen to me after fighting Yukari… Nor do I have qualms.

I am at peace with whatever may befall me.

"I do," I answer without words.

The Yin-Yangs pulse gently one last time before turning into dust fluttering in the wind.

I open my eyes.

When I began meditating, the sun was shining on my scalp. Now, the sun is rising, and the cold of a new autumn day hits my skin.

I breathe in, then I breathe out, and for the first time in decades, my body feels light as a feather. I walk over the pond—carefree, smiling—before stopping by the crate of tools next to the Shrine of Offerings, murmuring a sweet lullaby.

I'll build new furniture to decorate the interior of the shrine.

If it’ll ever be seen, it does not matter. It’ll make me smile anyway.