/ic/ - Artwork/Critique

I'm the depressed NEET meme guy that wants to become an artist.
I've never posted here, but I'm pretty much a stereotype of /ic/.

I've been doing ok: after 6 years of NEETdom, I've started drawing seriously 3 months ago. 2 weeks ago I also started an expensive drawing course after moving out (not in the US, so it's legit for what I'm paying), with no requirements, and now I have to hard force myself to ignore how good everyone else is in the course (except 3-4 people out of 16), because they've all been drawing for decades.

After moving out I've found myself living in an apartment at the 4th floor, and well...
The thought just hit me: "I've never been able to actually kill myself because I've never had the chance to do it quickly in one action -(I've always lived in a shitty countryside town with nothing in it)-. But now if I want I can just quit the game anytime I want: the window is right there."

I've never felt scared at the thought of death; is this what finding a purpose in life feels like? Because I don't want to die, I want to get better at drawing and I'm scared falling back into depression for petty reasons like "sucking dicks" because I'm still learning might get the best of me and push me to the edge.

Sorry for killing a thread for this, it's 5am here and I had no one to talk to.